The Voyage Out

第36章

ItwasRachel’sturnnowtofeeldepressed。Ashetalkedofwritinghehadbecomesuddenlyimpersonal。Hemightnevercareforanyone;

allthatdesiretoknowherandgetather,whichshehadfeltpressingonheralmostpainfully,hadcompletelyvanished。

“Areyouagoodwriter?“sheasked。

“Yes,“hesaid。“I’mnotfirst-rate,ofcourse;I’mgoodsecond-rate;

aboutasgoodasThackeray,Ishouldsay。“

Rachelwasamazed。ForonethingitamazedhertohearThackeraycalledsecond-rate;andthenshecouldnotwidenherpointofviewtobelievethattherecouldbegreatwritersinexistenceatthepresentday,oriftherewere,thatanyonesheknewcouldbeagreatwriter,andhisself-confidenceastoundedher,andhebecamemoreandmoreremote。

“Myothernovel,“Hewetcontinued,“isaboutayoungmanwhoisobsessedbyanidea——theideaofbeingagentleman。

HemanagestoexistatCambridgeonahundredpoundsayear。

Hehasacoat;itwasonceaverygoodcoat。Butthetrousers——

they’renotsogood。Well,hegoesuptoLondon,getsintogoodsociety,owingtoanearly-morningadventureonthebanksoftheSerpentine。Heisledintotellinglies——myidea,yousee,istoshowthegradualcorruptionofthesoul——callshimselfthesonofsomegreatlandedproprietorinDevonshire。Meanwhilethecoatbecomesolderandolder,andhehardlydarestowearthetrousers。

Can’tyouimaginethewretchedman,aftersomesplendideveningofdebauchery,contemplatingthesegarments——hangingthemovertheendofthebed,arrangingthemnowinfulllight,nowinshade,andwonderingwhethertheywillsurvivehim,orhewillsurvivethem?

Thoughtsofsuicidecrosshismind。Hehasafriend,too,amanwhosomehowsubsistsuponsellingsmallbirds,forwhichhesetstrapsinthefieldsnearUxbridge。They’rescholars,bothofthem。

IknowoneortwowretchedstarvingcreatureslikethatwhoquoteAristotleatyouoverafriedherringandapintofporter。

Fashionablelife,too,Ihavetorepresentatsomelength,inordertoshowmyherounderallcircumstances。LadyTheoBinghamBingley,whosebaymarehehadthegoodfortunetostop,isthedaughterofaveryfineoldTorypeer。I’mgoingtodescribethekindofpartiesIoncewentto——thefashionableintellectuals,youknow,wholiketohavethelatestbookontheirtables。

Theygiveparties,riverparties,partieswhereyouplaygames。

There’snodifficultyinconceivingincidents;thedifficultyistoputthemintoshape——nottogetrunawaywith,asLadyTheowas。

Itendeddisastrouslyforher,poorwoman,forthebook,asI

plannedit,wasgoingtoendinprofoundandsordidrespectability。

Disownedbyherfather,shemarriesmyhero,andtheyliveinasnuglittlevillaoutsideCroydon,inwhichtownheissetupasahouseagent。Heneversucceedsinbecomingarealgentlemanafterall。

That’stheinterestingpartofit。Doesitseemtoyouthekindofbookyou’dliketoread?“heenquired;“orperhapsyou’dlikemyStuarttragedybetter,“hecontinued,withoutwaitingforhertoanswerhim。

“Myideaisthatthere’sacertainqualityofbeautyinthepast,whichtheordinaryhistoricalnovelistcompletelyruinsbyhisabsurdconventions。ThemoonbecomestheRegentoftheSkies。

Peopleclapspurstotheirhorses,andsoon。I’mgoingtotreatpeopleasthoughtheywereexactlythesameasweare。Theadvantageisthat,detachedfrommodernconditions,onecanmakethemmoreintenseandmoreabstractthenpeoplewholiveaswedo。“

Rachelhadlistenedtoallthiswithattention,butwithacertainamountofbewilderment。Theybothsatthinkingtheirownthoughts。

“I’mnotlikeHirst,“saidHewet,afterapause;hespokemeditatively;

“Idon’tseecirclesofchalkbetweenpeople’sfeet。IsometimeswishIdid。Itseemstomesotremendouslycomplicatedandconfused。

Onecan’tcometoanydecisionatall;one’slessandlesscapableofmakingjudgments。D’youfindthat?Andthenoneneverknowswhatanyonefeels。We’reallinthedark。Wetrytofindout,butcanyouimagineanythingmoreludicrousthanoneperson’sopinionofanotherperson?Onegoesalongthinkingoneknows;

butonereallydoesn’tknow。“

AshesaidthishewasleaningonhiselbowarrangingandrearranginginthegrassthestoneswhichhadrepresentedRachelandherauntsatlunch

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