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ItwasRachel’sturnnowtofeeldepressed。Ashetalkedofwritinghehadbecomesuddenlyimpersonal。Hemightnevercareforanyone;
allthatdesiretoknowherandgetather,whichshehadfeltpressingonheralmostpainfully,hadcompletelyvanished。
“Areyouagoodwriter?“sheasked。
“Yes,“hesaid。“I’mnotfirst-rate,ofcourse;I’mgoodsecond-rate;
aboutasgoodasThackeray,Ishouldsay。“
Rachelwasamazed。ForonethingitamazedhertohearThackeraycalledsecond-rate;andthenshecouldnotwidenherpointofviewtobelievethattherecouldbegreatwritersinexistenceatthepresentday,oriftherewere,thatanyonesheknewcouldbeagreatwriter,andhisself-confidenceastoundedher,andhebecamemoreandmoreremote。
“Myothernovel,“Hewetcontinued,“isaboutayoungmanwhoisobsessedbyanidea——theideaofbeingagentleman。
HemanagestoexistatCambridgeonahundredpoundsayear。
Hehasacoat;itwasonceaverygoodcoat。Butthetrousers——
they’renotsogood。Well,hegoesuptoLondon,getsintogoodsociety,owingtoanearly-morningadventureonthebanksoftheSerpentine。Heisledintotellinglies——myidea,yousee,istoshowthegradualcorruptionofthesoul——callshimselfthesonofsomegreatlandedproprietorinDevonshire。Meanwhilethecoatbecomesolderandolder,andhehardlydarestowearthetrousers。
Can’tyouimaginethewretchedman,aftersomesplendideveningofdebauchery,contemplatingthesegarments——hangingthemovertheendofthebed,arrangingthemnowinfulllight,nowinshade,andwonderingwhethertheywillsurvivehim,orhewillsurvivethem?
Thoughtsofsuicidecrosshismind。Hehasafriend,too,amanwhosomehowsubsistsuponsellingsmallbirds,forwhichhesetstrapsinthefieldsnearUxbridge。They’rescholars,bothofthem。
IknowoneortwowretchedstarvingcreatureslikethatwhoquoteAristotleatyouoverafriedherringandapintofporter。
Fashionablelife,too,Ihavetorepresentatsomelength,inordertoshowmyherounderallcircumstances。LadyTheoBinghamBingley,whosebaymarehehadthegoodfortunetostop,isthedaughterofaveryfineoldTorypeer。I’mgoingtodescribethekindofpartiesIoncewentto——thefashionableintellectuals,youknow,wholiketohavethelatestbookontheirtables。
Theygiveparties,riverparties,partieswhereyouplaygames。
There’snodifficultyinconceivingincidents;thedifficultyistoputthemintoshape——nottogetrunawaywith,asLadyTheowas。
Itendeddisastrouslyforher,poorwoman,forthebook,asI
plannedit,wasgoingtoendinprofoundandsordidrespectability。
Disownedbyherfather,shemarriesmyhero,andtheyliveinasnuglittlevillaoutsideCroydon,inwhichtownheissetupasahouseagent。Heneversucceedsinbecomingarealgentlemanafterall。
That’stheinterestingpartofit。Doesitseemtoyouthekindofbookyou’dliketoread?“heenquired;“orperhapsyou’dlikemyStuarttragedybetter,“hecontinued,withoutwaitingforhertoanswerhim。
“Myideaisthatthere’sacertainqualityofbeautyinthepast,whichtheordinaryhistoricalnovelistcompletelyruinsbyhisabsurdconventions。ThemoonbecomestheRegentoftheSkies。
Peopleclapspurstotheirhorses,andsoon。I’mgoingtotreatpeopleasthoughtheywereexactlythesameasweare。Theadvantageisthat,detachedfrommodernconditions,onecanmakethemmoreintenseandmoreabstractthenpeoplewholiveaswedo。“
Rachelhadlistenedtoallthiswithattention,butwithacertainamountofbewilderment。Theybothsatthinkingtheirownthoughts。
“I’mnotlikeHirst,“saidHewet,afterapause;hespokemeditatively;
“Idon’tseecirclesofchalkbetweenpeople’sfeet。IsometimeswishIdid。Itseemstomesotremendouslycomplicatedandconfused。
Onecan’tcometoanydecisionatall;one’slessandlesscapableofmakingjudgments。D’youfindthat?Andthenoneneverknowswhatanyonefeels。We’reallinthedark。Wetrytofindout,butcanyouimagineanythingmoreludicrousthanoneperson’sopinionofanotherperson?Onegoesalongthinkingoneknows;
butonereallydoesn’tknow。“
AshesaidthishewasleaningonhiselbowarrangingandrearranginginthegrassthestoneswhichhadrepresentedRachelandherauntsatlunch