第54章

Monstrousassuchafaithmayseeminonewhowasqualifyinghimselfforahighmissionbyatermofimprisonment，hecouldnomorehelpitthanhecouldhelpbreathing；itwasinnateinhim，anditwasevenmorewithaviewtothisthanforotherreasonsthathewishedtosevertheconnectionbetweenhimselfandhisparents；forheknewthatifeverthedaycameinwhichitshouldappearthatbeforehimtootherewasaracesetinwhichitmightbeanhonourtohaverunamongtheforemost，hisfatherandmotherwouldbethefirsttolethimandhinderhiminrunningit。Theyhadbeenthefirsttosaythatheoughttorunsucharace；theywouldalsobethefirsttotriphimupifhetookthemattheirword，andthenafterwardsupbraidhimfornothavingwon。Achievementofanykindwouldbeimpossibleforhimunlesshewasfreefromthosewhowouldbeforeverdragginghimbackintotheconventional。Theconventionalhadbeentriedalreadyandhadbeenfoundwanting。

Hehadanopportunitynow，ifhechosetotakeit，ofescapingonceforallfromthosewhoatoncetormentedhimandwouldholdhimearthwardshouldachanceofsoaringopenbeforehim。Heshouldneverhavehaditbutforhisimprisonment；butforthistheforceofhabitandroutinewouldhavebeentoostrongforhim；heshouldhardlyhavehaditifhehadnotlostallhismoney；thegapwouldnothavebeensowidebutthathemighthavebeeninclinedtothrowaplankacrossit。Herejoicednow，therefore，overhislossofmoneyaswellasoverhisimprisonment，whichhadmadeitmoreeasyforhimtofollowhistruestandmostlastinginterests。

Attimeshewavered，whenhethoughtofhowhismother，whoinherway，ashethought，hadlovedhim，wouldweepandthinksadlyoverhim，orhowperhapsshemightevenfallillanddie，andhowtheblamewouldrestwithhim。Atthesetimeshisresolutionwasnearbreaking，butwhenhefoundIapplaudedhisdesign，thevoicewithin，whichbadehimseehisfather’sandmother’sfacesnomore，grewlouderandmorepersistent。Ifhecouldnotcuthimselfadriftfromthosewhoheknewwouldhamperhim，whensosmallaneffortwaswanted，hisdreamofadestinywasidle；whatwastheprospectofahundredpoundsfromhisfatherincomparisonwithjeopardytothis？

Hestillfeltdeeplythepainhisdisgracehadinflicteduponhisfatherandmother，buthewasgettingstronger，andreflectedthatashehadrunhischancewiththemforparents，sotheymustruntheirswithhimforason。

Hehadnearlysettleddowntothisconclusionwhenhereceivedaletterfromhisfatherwhichmadehisdecisionfinal。Iftheprisonruleshadbeeninterpretedstrictly，hewouldnothavebeenallowedtohavethisletterforanotherthreemonths，ashehadalreadyheardfromme，butthegovernortookalenientview，andconsideredtheletterfrommetobeabusinesscommunicationhardlycomingunderthecategoryofaletterfromfriends。Theobald’sletterthereforewasgiventohisson。Itranasfollows：-

“MydearErnest，Myobjectinwritingisnottoupbraidyouwiththedisgraceandshameyouhaveinflicteduponyourmotherandmyself，tosaynothingofyourbrotherJoey，andyoursister。Sufferofcoursewemust，butweknowtowhomtolookinouraffliction，andarefilledwithanxietyratheronyourbehalfthanourown。Yourmotheriswonderful。Sheisprettywellinhealth，anddesiresmetosendyouherlove。

“Haveyouconsideredyourprospectsonleavingprison？IunderstandfromMrOvertonthatyouhavelostthelegacywhichyourgrandfatherleftyou，togetherwithalltheinterestthataccruedduringyourminority，inthecourseofspeculationupontheStockExchange！Ifyouhaveindeedbeenguiltyofsuchappallingfollyitisdifficulttoseewhatyoucanturnyourhandto，andIsupposeyouwilltrytofindaclerkshipinanoffice。Yoursalarywilldoubtlessbelowatfirst，butyouhavemadeyourbedandmustnotcomplainifyouhavetolieuponit。Ifyoutakepainstopleaseyouremployerstheywillnotbebackwardinpromotingyou。

“WhenIfirstheardfromMrOv