第47章

hadalwaysknownitwasnoniceway。Imusthavegonetosleepafterawhile，butwhenIwokeupIwasstillthinkingaboutit，andtosaveme，Icouldn’tquit。Allday，whereverIwent，thatquestionoffather’skeptgoingoverinmyhead。IthoughtaboutituntilIwasalmostcrazy，andIjustcouldn’tseewhereanythingaboutshamecamein。

Shewasonlymistaken。SheTHOUGHThelovedher，andhedidn’t。

Shenevercouldhavebeensobloomy，sofilledwithsong，laughter，andlovelylikeshewas，ifshehadn’ttrulybelievedwithallherheartthathelovedher。Ofcourseitwouldalmostfinishhertogivehimup，whenshefeltlikethat；andmaybeshedidwrongtoletherselfcaresomuch，beforeshewassureabouthim；butthatwouldonlybefoolish，therewouldn’tbeevenashadowofshameaboutit。Besides，Laddiehaddoneexactlythesamething。HelovedthePrincessuntilitnearlykilledhimwhenhethoughthehadtogiveherup，andhelovedherashardaseverhecould，whenhehadn’tanideawhethershewouldlovehimback，evenatinyspeck；andthepersonwhowasn’tfoolish，andneverwouldbe，wasLaddie。

ThemoreIthought，theworseIgotworkedup，andIcouldn’tseehowShelleywastoblameforanythingatall。Lovejustcametoher，likeitcametoLaddie。ShewouldhardlyhavekneltdownandbeseechedtheLordtomakeherfallinlovewithamanshescarcelyknew，andwhenshecouldn’tbesurewhathewasgoingtodoaboutit——nottheLord，theman，Imean。Youcouldseeforyourselfshewouldn’tdothat。Ifinishedmywork，andthenI

triedtodothingsforher，andshewouldn’tletme。MothertoldmetoaskhertomakeGraceGreenwoodthedressshehadpromisedwhenIwassosick；soItooktheScotchplaidtoherandremindedher，andshepushedmeawayandsaid：“Sometime！“

IevengotGrace，andshowedShelleythespillsonherdress，andhowbadlysheneededanewone，butsheneverlooked，shesaid：

“Ohbother！Myheadaches。Doletmebe！“

Motherwaslistening。Icouldseeherstandingoutsidethedoor。

Shemotionedtometocomeaway，soIwenttoherandshewaswhiteasShelley。Shewassicktoo，shecouldn’tsayawordforaminute，butafterawhileshekissedme，Icouldfeelthequiversinherlips，andshesaidstifflike：“Nevermind，she’llbebettersoon，thenshewill！Runplaynow！“

SometimesIwanderedaroundlookingatthingsandlivingdully。

Ididn’ttrytostudyoutanything，butImusthavewatchedcloserthanIknew，foreverysinglethingIsawthen，overthatwholefarm，Icanshutmyeyesandseeto-day；everything，fromtheoldhawktiltinghistailtosteerhiminsoaring，toasnakecatchingfieldmiceinthegrass，lichensonthefence，flowers，butterflies，everysinglething。MostlyIsattowatchsomethingthatpromisedtobecomeinteresting，andbeforeIknewit，Iwasbackontheshamequestion。That’sthemostdreadfulwordinthedictionary。There’ssomethingaboutitthatmakesyourfaceburn，onlytohaveitinyourmind。

Laddiesaidheneverhadmetanymanwhoknewtheoriginofmorewordsthanfather。Hecouldeventelleveryclipwhatnationalityamanwasfromhisname。HundredsoftimeIhaveheardhimsaytostrangerpeople，“Fromyournameyou’dbeofScotchextraction，“orIrish，orwhateveritwas，andeverytimethepersonhewastalkingwithwouldsay，“Yes。“Somedayawayoutinthefield，alone，IthoughtIwouldaskhimwhatpeoplefirstusedtheword“shame，“andjustexactlywhatitdidmean，andwhatthethingswerethatyoucoulddothatwouldmakethepeoplewholovedyouuntiltheywoulddieforyou，ashamedofyou。

ThinkingaboutthatandplanningoutwhatitwasthatIwantedtoknow，gavemeanotheridea。Whynotaskher？Shewastheonlyonewhoknewwhatshehaddoneawaythereinthecity，aloneamongstrangers；Iwasn’tsurewhetherallthemusicagirlcouldlearnwasworthlettinghertakethechancesshewouldhavetoinabigcity。FromthewayLaddieandfatherhatedthem，theywereapoorplaceformen，andtheymusthavebeenmuchworseforgirls。Shelleyknew，whynotaskHER？MaybeIcouldcoaxhertotellme，anditwouldmakemylifemucheasiertoknow；andonlythinkwhatwasgoingoninfather’sandmother’sheadsandhearts，whenIfeltthatway，anddidn’tevenknowwhattherewastobeashamedabout。Shewouldn’tanymorethanslapme；andsickasshewas，Imadeupmymindnottogetangryather，orevertotell，ifshedid。I’dratherhaveherhitmewhenshewassosickthantohaveSallybeatmeuntilshecouldn’tstrikeanotherlick，justbecauseshewasangry。ButIforgaveherthat，andIwasnevergoingtothinkofitagain——onlyIdid。

MotherkeptsendingLeontothepost-office，andshemethimatthegatehalfthetimeherselfandfairlysnatchedthelettersfromhishands。Hum！Shecouldn’tpullthewoolo

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