第23章

out，Idrovestraighttothepublic—house，whereIbaitedmyhorses，andwhereIfoundsomeofthechaisesanddriverswhohaddriventhefolkstothelunatic—lookingmansion，andwerenowwaitingtotakethemupagain。Whilstmyhorseswereeatingtheirbait，Isatmedown，astheweatherwaswarm，atatableoutside，andsmokedapipe，anddranksomeale，incompanywiththecoachmanoftheoldgentlemanwhohadgonetothehousewithhisson，andthecoachmanthentoldmethatthehousewasaPapisthouse，andthatthepresentwasagrandmeetingofallthefoolsandrascalsinthecountry，whocametobowdowntoimages，andtoconcertschemes—

prettyschemesnodoubt—foroverturningthereligionofthecountry，andthatforhisparthedidnotapproveofbeingconcernedwithsuchdoings，andthathewasgoingtogivehismasterwarningnextday。So，asweweredrinkinganddiscoursing，updrovethechariotoftheScotchman，anddowngothisvaletandthedriver，andwhilstthedriverwasseeingafterthehorses，thevaletcameandsatdownatthetablewherethegentleman’scoachmanandIweredrinking。I

knewthefellowwell，aScotchmanlikehismaster，andjustofthesamekidney，withwhitekidgloves，redhairfrizzled，apatchofpaintonhisface，andhishandscoveredwithrings。Thisveryfellow，Imusttellyou，wasoneofthosemostbusyinendeavouringtogetmeturnedoutoftheservants’clubinParkLane，becauseIhappenedtoservealiteraryman；sohesatdown，andinakindofaffectedtonecriedout，’Landlord，bringmeaglassofcoldnegus。’Thelandlord，however，toldhimthattherewasnonegus，butthatifhepleased，hecouldhaveajugofasgoodbeerasanyinthecountry。’Confoundthebeer，’saidthevalet，’doyouthinkthatIamaccustomedtosuchvulgarbeverage？’

However，ashefoundtherewasnothingbettertobehad，heletthemanbringhimsomebeer，andwhenhehadgotit，soonshowedthathecoulddrinkiteasilyenough；so，whenhehaddrunktwoorthreedraughts，heturnedhiseyesinacontemptuousmanner，first，onthecoachman，andthenonme：

Isawthescamprecollectedme，forafterstaringatmeandmydressforabouthalfaminute，heputonabroadgrin，andflinginghisheadback，heutteredaloudlaugh。Well，Ididnotlikethis，asyoumaywellbelieve，andtakingthepipeoutofmymouth，Iaskedhimifhemeantanythingpersonal，towhichheanswered，thathehadsaidnothingtome，andthathehadarighttolookwherehepleased，andlaughwhenhepleased。Well，astoacertainextenthewasright，astolookingandlaughing；andasIhaveoccasionallylookedatafoolandlaughed，thoughIwasnotthefoolinthisinstance，Iputmypipeintomymouthandsaidnomore。Thisquietandwell—regulatedbehaviourofmine，however，thefellowinterpretedintofear；so，afterdrinkingalittlemore，hesuddenlystartedup，andstridingonceortwicebeforethetable，heaskedmewhatImeantbythatimpertinentquestionofmine，sayingthathehadagoodmindtowringmynoseformypresumption。’Youhave？’saidI，gettingup，andlayingdownmypipe。’Well，I’llnowgiveyouanopportunity。’SoIputmyselfinanattitude，andwentuptohim，saying’I

haveanoldscoretosettlewithyou，youscamp；youwantedtogetmeturnedoutoftheclub，didn’tyou？’Andthereupon，rememberingthathehadthreatenedtowringmynose，Igavehimasnorteruponhisown。Iwishyoucouldhaveseenthefellowwhenhefeltthesmart；sofarfromtryingtodefendhimself，heturnedround，andwithhishandtohisface，attemptedtorunaway；butIwasnowinaregularpassion，andfollowinghimup，gotbeforehim，andwasgoingtopummelawayathim，whenheburstintotears，andbeggedmenottohurthim，sayingthathewassorryifhehadoffendedme，andthat，ifIpleased，hewouldgodownonhisknees，ordoanythingelseIwanted。Well，whenIheardhimtalkinthismanner，I，ofcourse，lethimbe；Icouldhardlyhelplaughingatthefigurehecut；hisfaceallblubberedwithtears，andbloodandpaint；butIdidnotlaughatthepoorcreatureeither，butwenttothetableandtookupmypipe，andsmokedanddrankasifnothinghadhappened；andthefellow，afterhavingbeentothepump，cameandsatdown，crying，andtryingtocurryfavourwithmeandthecoachman；presently，however，puttingonaconfidentiallook，hebegantotalkofthePopishhouse，andofthedoingsthere，andsaidhesupposedashowwewereoftheparty，andthatitwasallright；andthenhebegantotalkofthePopeofRome，andwhatanicemanhewas，andwhatafinethingitwastobeofhisreligion，especiallyiffolkswentovertohim；andhowitadvancedthemintheworld，andgavethemconsideration；andhowhismaster，whohadbeenabroadandseenthePope，andkissedhistoe，wasgoingovertothePopishreligion，andhadpersuadedhimtoconsenttodoso，andtoforsakehisown，whichIthinkthescoundrelcalledthe’PiscopalChurchofScotland，andhowmanyothersofthatchurchweregoingover，thinkingtobettertheirconditioninlifebysodoing，andtobemorethoughton；andhowmanyoftheEnglishChurchwerethinkingofgoingovertoo—andthathehadnodoubtthatitwouldallendrightandcomfortably。

Well，ashewasgoingoninthisway，theoldcoachmanbegantospit，andgettingup，flungallthebeerthatwasinhisjugupontheground，andgoingaway，orderedanotherjugofbeer，andsatdownatanothertable，sayingthathewouldnotdrinkinsuchcompany；andItoogotup，andflungwhatbeerremainedinmyjug，therewasn’tmorethanadrop，inthefellow’sface，saying，Iwouldscorntodrinkanymoreinsuchcompany；andthenIwenttomyhorses，putthemto，paidmyreckoning，anddrovehome。"

Thepostillionhavingrelatedhisstory，towhichIlistenedwithalldueattention，musedforamoment，andthensaid，"I

daresayyourememberhow，sometimesince，whenoldBillhadbeentellingushowtheGovernmentalongtimeago，haddoneawaywithrobbingonthehighway，byputtingdownthepublic—

housesandplaceswhichthehighwaymenfrequented，andbysendingagoodmountedpolicetohuntthemdown，IsaidthatitwasashamethatthepresentGovernmentdidnotemploysomewhatthesamemeansinordertostoptheproceedingsofMumboJumboandhisgangnow—a—daysinEngland。Howsomever，sinceIhavedrivenafaretoaPopishrendezvous，andseensomethingofwhatisgoingonthere，IshouldconceivethattheGovernmentarejustifiedinallowingthegangthefreeexerciseoftheircalling。Anybodyiswelcometostoopandpickupnothing，orworsethannothing，andifMumboJumbo’speople，aftertheirexpeditions，returntotheirhauntswithnobetterplunderintheshapeofconvertsthanwhatIsawgoingintoyonderplaceofcall，Ishouldsaytheyarewelcometowhattheyget；forifthat’sthekindofrubbishtheystealoutoftheChurchofEngland，oranyotherchurch，whoinhissensesbutwouldsayagoodriddance，andmanythanksforyourtrouble：atanyrate，thatismyopinionofthematter。"

CHAPTERXXIX

DeliberationswithSelf—Resolution—InvitationtoDinner—

TheCommercialTraveller—TheLandlord’sOffer—TheCometWine。

ITwasnowthatIhadfrequentdeliberationswithmyself。

ShouldIcontinueattheinninmypresentposition？Iwasnotverymuchcaptivatedwithit；therewaslittlepoetryinkeepinganaccountofthecorn，hay，andstrawwhichcamein，andwasgivenout，andIwasfondofpoetry；moreover，therewasnogloryatalltobeexpectedindoingso，andIwasfondofglory。ShouldIgiveupthatsituation，andremainingattheinn，becomeostlerunderoldBill？Therewasmorepoetryinrubbingdownhorsesthaninkeepinganaccountofstraw，hay，andcorn；therewasalsosomeprospectofgloryattachedtothesituationofostler，forthegroomsandstable—boysoccasionallytalkedofanostler，agreatwaydowntheroad，whohadbeenpresentedbysomesportingpeople，notwithasilvervase，asourgovernorhadbeen，butwithasilvercurrycomb，intestimonyoftheiradmirationforhisskill；butIconfessthatthepoetryofrubbingdownhadbecome，asallotherpoetrybecomes，ratherprosybyfrequentrepetition，andwithrespecttothechanceofderivinggloryfromtheemployment，Ientertained，intheeventofmydeterminingtostay，veryslighthopeofeverattainingskillintheostlerartsufficienttoinducesportingpeopletobestowuponmeasilvercurrycomb。IwasnothalfsogoodanostlerasoldBill，whohadneverbeenpresentedwithasilvercurrycomb，andIneverexpectedtobecomeso，thereforewhatchancehadI？Itwastrue，therewasaprospectofsomepecuniaryemolumenttobederivedbyremainingineithersituation。Itwasveryprobablet