第26章

"AndwhyIwas，"addedLaigledeMeaux。

"Idonotunderstandyou，"saidMarius。

Laigleresumed:——

"Nothingismoresimple。Iwasclosetothedesktoreply，andclosetothedoorforthepurposeofflight。Theprofessorgazedatmewithacertainintensity。Allofasudden，Blondeau，whomustbethemaliciousnosealludedtobyBoileau，skippedtotheletterL。Lismyletter。IamfromMeaux，andmynameisLesgle。"

"L’Aigle！"interruptedMarius，"whatfinename！"

"Monsieur，Blondeaucametothisfinename，andcalled:

`Laigle！’Ireply:`Present！’ThenBlondeaugazesatme，withthegentlenessofatiger，andsaystome:`lfyouarePontmercy，youarenotLaigle。’Aphrasewhichhasadisobligingairforyou，butwhichwaslugubriousonlyforme。Thatsaid，hecrossedmeoff。"

Mariusexclaimed:——

"Iammortified，sir——"

"Firstofall，"interposedLaigle，"IdemandpermissiontoembalmBlondeauinafewphrasesofdeeplyfelteulogium。Iwillassumethatheisdead。Therewillbenogreatchangerequiredinhisgauntness，inhispallor，inhiscoldness，andinhissmell。

AndIsay:`Erudiminiquijudicatisterram。HereliesBlondeau，BlondeautheNose，BlondeauNasica，theoxofdiscipline，bosdisciplinae，thebloodhoundofthepassword，theangeloftheroll—call，whowasupright，squareexact，rigid，honest，andhideous。

Godcrossedhimoffashecrossedmeoff。’"

Mariusresumed:——

"Iamverysorry——"

"Youngman，"saidLaigledeMeaux，"letthisserveyouasalesson。

Infuture，beexact。"

"Ireallybegyouathousandpardons。"

"Donotexposeyourneighbortothedangerofhavinghisnameerasedagain。"

"Iamextremelysorry——"

Laigleburstoutlaughing。

"AndIamdelighted。Iwasonthebrinkofbecomingalawyer。

Thiserasuresavesme。Irenouncethetriumphsofthebar。

Ishallnotdefendthewidow，andIshallnotattacktheorphan。

Nomoretoga，nomorestage。Hereismyerasureallreadyforme。

ItistoyouthatIamindebtedforit，MonsieurPontmercy。

Iintendtopayasolemncallofthanksuponyou。Wheredoyoulive？"

"Inthiscab，"saidMarius。

"Asignofopulence，"retortedLaiglecalmly。"Icongratulateyou。

Youhavetherearentofninethousandfrancsperannum。"

Atthatmoment，Courfeyracemergedfromthecafe。

Mariussmiledsadly。

"Ihavepaidthisrentforthelasttwohours，andIaspiretogetridofit；butthereisasortofhistoryattachedtoit，andIdon’tknowwheretogo。"

"Cometomyplace，sir，"saidCourfeyrac。

"Ihavethepriority，"observedLaigle，"butIhavenohome。"

"Holdyourtongue，Bossuet，"saidCourfeyrac。

"Bossuet，"saidMarius，"butIthoughtthatyournamewasLaigle。"

"DeMeaux，"repliedLaigle；"bymetaphor，Bossuet。"

Courfeyracenteredthecab。

"Coachman，"saidhe，"hoteldelaPorte—Saint—Jacques。"

Andthatveryevening，MariusfoundhimselfinstalledinachamberofthehoteldelaPorte—Saint—JacquessidebysidewithCourfeyrac。

CHAPTERIII

MARIUS’ASTONISHMENTS

Inafewdays，MariushadbecomeCourfeyrac’sfriend。Youthistheseasonforpromptweldingandtherapidhealingofscars。

MariusbreathedfreelyinCourfeyrac’ssociety，adecidedlynewthingforhim。Courfeyracputnoquestionstohim。Hedidnoteventhinkofsuchathing。Atthatage，facesdiscloseeverythingonthespot。Wordsaresuperfluous。Thereareyoungmenofwhomitcanbesaidthattheircountenanceschatter。Onelooksatthemandoneknowsthem。

Onemorning，however，Courfeyracabruptlyaddressedthisinterrogationtohim:——

"Bytheway，haveyouanypoliticalopinions？"

"Theidea！"saidMarius，almostaffrontedbythequestion。

"Whatareyou？"

"Ademocrat—Bonapartist。"

"Thegrayhueofareassuredrat，"saidCourfeyrac。

Onthefollowingday，CourfeyracintroducedMariusattheCafeMusain。

Thenhewhisperedinhisear，withasmile:"Imustgiveyouyourentrytotherevolution。"AndheledhimtothehalloftheFriendsoftheABC。Hepresentedhimtotheothercomrades，sayingthissimplewordwhichMariusdidnotunderstand:"Apupil。"

Mariushadfallenintoawasps’—nestofwits。However，althoughhewassilentandgrave，hewas，nonetheless，bothwingedandarmed。

Marius，uptothattimesolitaryandinclinedtosoliloquy，andtoasides，bothbyhabitandbytaste，wasalittleflutteredbythiscoveyofyoungmenaroundhim。Allthesevariousinitiativessolicitedhisattentionatonce，andpulledhimabout。

Thetumultuousmovementsofthesemindsatlibertyandatworksethisideasinawhirl。Sometimes，inhistrouble，theyfledsofarfromhim，thathehaddifficultyinrecoveringthem。

Heheardthemtalkofphilosophy，ofliterature，ofart，ofhistory，ofreligion，inunexpectedfashion。Hecaughtglimpsesofstrangeaspects；and，ashedidnotplacetheminproperperspective，hewasnotaltogethersurethatitwasnotchaosthathegrasped。

Onabandoninghisgrandfather’sopinionsfortheopinionsofhisfather，hehadsupposedhimselffixed；henowsuspected，withuneasiness，andwithoutdaringtoavowittohimself，thathewasnot。

Theangleatwhichhesaweverythingbegantobedisplacedanew。

Acertainoscillationsetallthehorizonsofhisbrainsinmotion。

Anoddinternalupsetting。Healmostsufferedfromit。

Itseemedasthoughtherewereno"consecratedthings"

forthoseyoungmen。Mariusheardsingularpropositionsoneverysortofsubject，whichembarrassedhisstilltimidmind。

Atheatreposterpresenteditself，adornedwiththetitleofatragedyfromtheancientrepertorycalledclassic:"Downwithtragedydeartothebourgeois！"criedBahorel。AndMariusheardCombeferrereply:——

"Youarewrong，Bahorel。Thebourgeoisielovestragedy，andthebourgeoisiemustbeleftatpeaceonthatscore。

Bewiggedtragedyhasareasonforitsexistence，andIamnotoneofthosewho，byorderofAEschylus，contestitsrighttoexistence。

Thereareroughoutlinesinnature；thereare，increation，ready—madeparodies；abeakwhichisnotabeak，wingswhicharenotwings，gillswhicharenotgills，pawswhicharenotpaws，acryofpainwhicharousesadesiretolaugh，thereistheduck。

Now，sincepoultryexistsbythesideofthebird，Idonotseewhyclassictragedyshouldnotexistinthefaceofantiquetragedy。"

OrchancedecreedthatMariusshouldtraverseRueJean—JacquesRousseaubetweenEnjolrasandCourfeyrac。

Courfeyractookhisarm:——

"Payattention。ThisistheRuePlatriere，nowcalledRueJean—JacquesRousseau，onaccountofasingularhouseholdwhichlivedinitsixtyyearsago。ThisconsistedofJean—JacquesandTherese。

Fromtimetotime，littlebeingswerebornthere。Theresegavebirthtothem，Jean—Jacquesrepresentedthemasfoundlings。"

AndEnjolrasaddressedCourfeyracroughly:——

"SilenceinthepresenceofJean—Jacques！Iadmirethatman。

Hedeniedhisownchildren，thatmaybe；butheadoptedthepeople。"

Notoneoftheseyoungmenarticulatedtheword:TheEmperor。

JeanProuvairealonesometimessaidNapoleon；alltheotherssaid"Bonaparte。"Enjolraspronouncedit"Buonaparte。"

Mariuswasvaguelysurprised。Initiumsapientiae。

CHAPTERIV

THEBACKROOMOFTHECAFEMUSAIN

Oneoftheconversationsamongtheyoungmen，atwhichMariuswaspresentandinwhichhesometimesjoined，wasaveritableshocktohismind。

ThistookplaceinthebackroomoftheCafeMusain。NearlyalltheFriendsoftheABChadconvenedthatevening。Theargandlampwassolemnlylighted。Theytalkedofonethingandanother，withoutpassionandwithnoise。WiththeexceptionofEnjolrasandMarius，whoheldtheirpeace，allwereharanguingratherathap—hazard。Conversationsbetweencomradessometimesaresubjecttothesepeaceabletumults。Itwasagameandanuproarasmuchasaconversation。Theytossedwordstoeachotherandcaughtthemupinturn。Theywerechatteringinallquarters。

Nowomanwasadmittedtothisbackroom，exceptLouison，thedish—washerofthecafe，whopassedthroughitfromtimetotime，togotoherwashinginthe"lavatory。"

Grantaire，thoroughlydrunk，wasdeafeningthecornerofwhichhehadtakenpossession，reasoningandcontradictingatthetopofhislungs，andshouting:——

"Iamthirsty。Mortals，Iamdreaming:thatthetunofHeidelberghasanattackofapoplexy，andthatIamoneofthedozenleecheswhichwillbeappliedtoit。Iwantadrink。Idesiretoforgetlife。

LifeisahideousinventionofIknownotwhom。Itlastsnotimeatall，andisworthnothing。Onebreaksone’sneckinliving。

Lifeisatheatresetinwhichtherearebutfewpracticableentrances。

Happinessisanantiquereliquarypaintedononesideonly。

Ecclesiastessays:`Allisvanity。’Iagreewiththatgoodman，whoneverexisted，perhaps。Zeronotwishingtogostarknaked，clothedhimselfinvanity。Ovanity！Thepatchingupofeverythingwithbigwords！akitchenisalaboratory，adancerisaprofessor，anacrobatisagymnast，aboxerisapugilist，anapothecaryisachemist，awigmakerisanartist，ahodmanisanarchitect，ajockeyisasportsman，awood—louseisapterigybranche。Vanityhasarightandawrongside；therightsideisstupid，itisthenegrowithhisglassbeads；thewrongsideisfoolish，itisthephilosopherwithhisrags。IweepovertheoneandIlaughovertheother。

Whatarecalledhonorsanddignities，andevendignityandhonor，aregenerallyofpinchbeck。Kingsmakeplaythingsofhumanpride。

Caligulamadeahorseaconsul；CharlesII。madeaknightofasirloin。Wrapyourselfupnow，then，betweenConsulIncitatusandBaronetRoastbeef。Asfortheintrinsicvalueofpeople，itisnolongerrespectableintheleast。Listentothepanegyricwhichneighbormakesofneighbor。Whiteonwhiteisferocious；

ifthelilycouldspeak，whatasettingdownitwouldgivethedove！

Abigotedwomanpratingofadevoutwomanismorevenomousthantheaspandthecobra。ItisashamethatIamignorant，otherwiseIwouldquotetoyouamassofthings；butIknownothing。

Forinstance，Ihavealwaysbeenwitty；whenIwasapupilofGros，insteadofdaubingwretchedlittlepictures，Ipassedmytimeinpilferingapples；rapin[24]isthemasculineofrapine。Somuchformyself；asfortherestofyou，youareworthnomorethanIam。

Iscoffatyourperfections，excellencies，andqualities。

Everygoodqualitytendstowardsadefect；economybordersonavarice，thegenerousmanisnextdoortotheprodigal，thebravemanrubselbowswiththebraggart；hewhosaysverypioussaysatriflebigoted；

therearejustasmanyvicesinvirtueasthereareholesinDiogenes’cloak。Whomdoyouadmire，theslainortheslayer，CaesarorBrutus？Generallymenareinfavoroftheslayer。

LongliveBrutus，hehasslain！Thereliesthevirtue。Virtue，granted，butmadnessalso。Therearequeerspotsonthosegreatmen。

TheBrutuswhokilledCaesarwasinlovewiththestatueofalittleboy。

ThisstatuewasfromthehandoftheGreeksculptorStrongylion，whoalsocarvedthatfigureofanAmazonknownastheBeautifulLeg，Eucnemos，whichNerocarriedwithhiminhistravels。ThisStrongylionleftbuttwostatueswhichplacedNeroandBrutusinaccord。

Brutuswasinlovewiththeone，Nerowiththeother。Allhistoryisnothingbutwearisomerepetition。Onecenturyistheplagiaristoftheother。ThebattleofMarengocopiesthebattleofPydna；

theTolbiacofClovisandtheAusterlitzofNapoleonareaslikeeachotherastwodropsofwater。Idon’tattachmuchimportancetovictory。

Nothingissostupidastoconquer；truegloryliesinconvincing。

Buttrytoprovesomething！Ifyouarecontentwithsuccess，whatmediocrity，andwithconquering，whatwretchedness！Alas，vanityandcowardiceeverywhere。Everythingobeyssuccess，evengrammar。

Sivoletusus，saysHorace。ThereforeIdisdainthehumanrace。

Shallwedescendtothepartyatall？Doyouwishmetobeginadmiringthepeoples？Whatpeople，ifyouplease？ShallitbeGreece？

TheAthenians，thoseParisiansofdaysgoneby，slewPhocion，aswemightsayColigny，andfawnedupontyrantstosuchanextentthatAnacephorussaidofPisistratus:"Hisurineattractsthebees。"

ThemostprominentmaninGreeceforfiftyyearswasthatgrammarianPhiletas，whowassosmallandsothinthathewasobligedtoloadhisshoeswithleadinordernottobeblownawaybythewind。

TherestoodonthegreatsquareinCorinthastatuecarvedbySilanionandcataloguedbyPliny；thisstatuerepresentedEpisthates。

WhatdidEpisthatesdo？Heinventedatrip。ThatsumsupGreeceandglory。Letuspassontoothers。ShallIadmireEngland？

ShallIadmireFrance？France？Why？BecauseofParis？IhavejusttoldyoumyopinionofAthens。England？Why？BecauseofLondon？

IhateCarthage。Andthen，London，themetropolisofluxury，istheheadquartersofwretchedness。ThereareahundreddeathsayearofhungerintheparishofCharing—Crossalone。SuchisAlbion。

Iadd，astheclimax，thatIhaveseenanEnglishwomandancinginawreathofrosesandbluespectacles。AfigthenforEngland！

IfIdonotadmireJohnBull，shallIadmireBrotherJonathan？

Ihavebutlittletasteforthatslave—holdingbrother。TakeawayTimeismoney，whatremainsofEngland？TakeawayCottonisking，whatremainsofAmerica？Germanyisthelymph，Italyisthebile。

ShallwegointoecstasiesoverRussia？Voltaireadmiredit。HealsoadmiredChina。IadmitthatRussiahasitsbeauties，amongothers，astoutdespotism；butIpitythedespots。Theirhealthisdelicate。

AdecapitatedAlexis，apoignardedPeter，astrangledPaul，anotherPaulcrushedflatwithkicks，diversIvansstrangled，withtheirthroatscut，numerousNicholasesandBasilspoisoned，allthisindicatesthatthepalaceoftheEmperorsofRussiaisinaconditionofflagrantinsalubrity。Allcivilizedpeoplesofferthisdetailtotheadmirationofthethinker；war；now，war，civilizedwar，exhaustsandsumsupalltheformsofruffianism，fromthebrigandageoftheTrabucerosinthegorgesofMontJaxatothemaraudingoftheComancheIndiansintheDoubtfulPass。

`Bah！’youwillsaytome，`butEuropeiscertainlybetterthanAsia？’

IadmitthatAsiaisafarce；butIdonotpreciselyseewhatyoufindtolaughatintheGrandLama，youpeoplesofthewest，whohavemingledwithyourfashionsandyourelegancesallthecomplicatedfilthofmajesty，fromthedirtychemiseofQueenIsabellatothechamber—chairoftheDauphin。Gentlemenofthehumanrace，Itellyou，notabitofit！ItisatBrusselsthatthemostbeerisconsumed，atStockholmthemostbrandy，atMadridthemostchocolate，atAmsterdamthemostgin，atLondonthemostwine，atConstantinoplethemostcoffee，atParisthemostabsinthe；

therearealltheusefulnotions。Pariscarriestheday，inshort。

InParis，eventherag—pickersaresybarites；Diogeneswouldhavelovedtobearag—pickerofthePlaceMaubertbetterthantobeaphilosopheratthePiraeus。Learnthisinaddition；thewineshopsoftheragpickersarecalledbibines；themostcelebratedaretheSaucepanandTheSlaughter—House。Hence，tea—gardens，goguettes，caboulots，bouibuis，mastroquets，bastringues，manezingues，bibinesoftherag—pickers，caravanseriesofthecaliphs，Icertifytoyou，Iamavoluptuary，IeatatRichard’satfortysousahead，ImusthavePersiancarpetstorollnakedCleopatrain！WhereisCleopatra？Ah！Soitisyou，Louison。Goodday。"

[24]Theslangtermforapainter’sassistant。

ThusdidGrantaire，morethanintoxicated，launchintospeech，catchingatthedish—washerinherpassage，fromhiscornerinthebackroomoftheCafeMusain。

Bossuet，extendinghishandtowardshim，triedtoimposesilenceonhim，andGrantairebeganagainworsethanever:——

"AigledeMeaux，downwithyourpaws。YouproduceonmenoeffectwithyourgestureofHippocratesrefusingArtaxerxes’bric—a—brac。I

excuseyoufromthetaskofsoothingme。Moreover，Iamsad。

Whatdoyouwishmetosaytoyou？Manisevil，manisdeformed；

thebutterflyisasuccess，manisafailure。Godmadeamistakewiththatanimal。Acrowdoffersachoiceofugliness。

Thefirstcomerisawretch，Femme——woman——rhymeswithinfame，——

infamous。Yes，Ihavethespleen，complicatedwithmelancholy，withhomesickness，plushypochondria，andIamvexedandIrage，andIyawn，andIambored，andIamtiredtodeath，andIamstupid！

LetGodgotothedevil！"

"Silencethen，capitalR！"resumedBossuet，whowasdiscussingapointoflawbehindthescenes，andwhowasplungedmorethanwaisthighinaphraseofjudicialslang，ofwhichthisistheconclusion:——

"——Andasforme，althoughIamhardlyalegist，andatthemost，anamateurattorney，Imaintainthis:that，inaccordancewiththetermsofthecustomsofNormandy，atSaint—Michel，andforeachyear，anequivalentmustbepaidtotheprofitofthelordofthemanor，savingtherightsofothers，andbyallandseveral，theproprietorsaswellasthoseseizedwithinheritance，andthat，forallemphyteuses，leases，freeholds，contractsofdomain，mortgages——"

"Echo，plaintivenymph，"hummedGrantaire。

NearGrantaire，analmostsilenttable，asheetofpaper，aninkstandandapenbetweentwoglassesofbrandy，announcedthatavaudevillewasbeingsketchedout。

Thisgreataffairwasbeingdiscussedinalowvoice，andthetwoheadsatworktouchedeachother:"Letusbeginbyfindingnames。

Whenonehasthenames，onefindsthesubject。"

"Thatistrue。Dictate。Iwillwrite。"

"MonsieurDorimon。"

"Anindependentgentleman？"

"Ofcourse。"

"Hisdaughter，Celestine。"

"——tine。Whatnext？"

"ColonelSainval。"

"Sainvalisstale。IshouldsayValsin。"

Besidethevaudevilleaspirants，anothergroup，whichwasalsotakingadvantageoftheuproartotalklow，wasdiscussingaduel。

Anoldfellowofthirtywascounsellingayoungoneofeighteen，andexplainingtohimwhatsortofanadversaryhehadtodealwith。

"Thedeuce！Lookoutforyourself。Heisafineswordsman。Hisplayisneat。Hehastheattack，nowastedfeints，wrist，dash，lightning，ajustparade，mathematicalparries，bigre！andheisleft—handed。"

IntheangleoppositeGrantaire，JolyandBahorelwereplayingdominoes，andtalkingoflove。

"Youareinluck，thatyouare，"Jolywassaying。"Youhaveamistresswhoisalwayslaughing。"

"Thatisafaultofhers，"returnedBahorel。"One’smistressdoeswrongtolaugh。Thatencouragesonetodeceiveher。Toseehergayremovesyourremorse；ifyouseehersad，yourconsciencepricksyou。"

"Ingrate！awomanwholaughsissuchagoodthing！Andyouneverquarr

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