第17章

havebeenratherabsurdinmyavoidanceofwomen。Ihavenevergivenawomanakissinmylife，exceptyourselfandmymother。\'

Themanoftwoandthirtywiththeexperiencedmindwarmedalloverwithaboy\'singenuousshameashemadetheconfession。

\'What，notone？\'shefaltered。

\'No；notone。\'

\'Howverystrange!\'

\'Yes，thereverseexperiencemaybecommoner。Andyet，tothosewhohaveobservedtheirownsex，asIhave，mycaseisnotremarkable。Menabouttownarewomen\'sfavourites——that\'sthepostulate——andsuperficialpeopledon\'tthinkfarenoughtoseethattheremaybereserved，lonelyexceptions。\'

\'Areyouproudofit，Harry？\'

\'No，indeed。OflateyearsIhavewishedIhadgonemywaysandtrodoutmymeasurelikelighter-heartedmen。IhavethoughtofhowmanyhappyexperiencesImayhavelostthroughnevergoingtowoo。\'

\'Thenwhydidyouholdaloof？\'

\'Icannotsay。Idon\'tthinkitwasmynatureto:circumstancehinderedme，perhaps。Ihaveregretteditforanotherreason。

Thisgreatremissnessofminehashaditseffectuponme。TheolderIhavegrown，themoredistinctlyhaveIperceivedthatitwasabsolutelypreventingmefromlikinganywomanwhowasnotasunpractisedasI；andIgaveuptheexpectationoffindinganineteenth-centuryyoungladyinmyownrawstate。ThenIfoundyou，Elfride，andlfeltforthefirsttimethatmyfastidiousnesswasablessing。Andithelpedtomakemeworthyofyou。Ifeltatoncethat，differingaswedidinotherexperiences，inthismatterIresembledyou。Well，aren\'tyougladtohearit，Elfride？\'

\'Yes，Iam，\'sheansweredinaforcedvoice。\'ButIalwayshadthoughtthatmenmadelotsofengagementsbeforetheymarried——

especiallyiftheydon\'tmarryveryyoung。\'

\'Soallwomenthink，Isuppose——andrightly，indeed，ofthemajorityofbachelors，asIsaidbefore。Butanappreciableminorityofslow-coachmendonot——anditmakesthemveryawkwardwhentheydocometothepoint。However，itdidn\'tmatterinmycase。\'

\'Why？\'sheaskeduneasily。

\'Becauseyouknowevenlessoflove-makingandmatrimonialprearrangementthanI，andsoyoucan\'tdrawinvidiouscomparisonsifIdomyengagingimproperly。\'

\'Ithinkyoudoitbeautifully!\'

\'Thankyou，dear。But，\'continuedKnightlaughingly，\'youropinionisnotthatofanexpert，whichaloneisofvalue。\'

Hadsheanswered，\'Yes，itis，\'halfasstronglyasshefeltit，Knightmighthavebeenalittleastonished。

\'Ifyouhadeverbeenengagedtobemarriedbefore，\'hewenton，\'Iexpectyouropinionofmyaddresseswouldbedifferent。Butthen，Ishouldnot——\'

\'Shouldnotwhat，Harry？\'

\'Oh，IwasmerelygoingtosaythatinthatcaseIshouldneverhavegivenmyselfthepleasureofproposingtoyou，sinceyourfreedomfromthatexperiencewasyourattraction，darling。\'

\'Youaresevereonwomen，areyounot？\'

\'No，Ithinknot。Ihadarighttopleasemytaste，andthatwasforuntriedlips。Othermenthanthoseofmysortacquirethetasteastheygetolder——butdon\'tfindanElfride——\'

\'Whathorridsoundisthatwehearwhenwepitchforward？\'

\'Onlythescrew——don\'tfindanElfrideasIdid。TothinkthatI

shouldhavediscoveredsuchanunseenflowerdownthereintheWest——towhomamanisasmuchasamultitudetosomewomen，andatripdowntheEnglishChannellikeavoyageroundtheworld!\'

\'Andwouldyou，\'shesaid，andhervoicewastremulous，\'havegivenupalady——ifyouhadbecomeengagedtoher——andthenfoundshehadhadONEkissbeforeyours——andwouldyouhave——goneawayandlefther？\'

\'Onekiss，——no，hardlyforthat。\'

\'Two？\'

\'Well——Icouldhardlysayinventoriallylikethat。Toomuchofthatsortofthingcertainlywouldmakemedislikeawoman。Butletusconfineourattentiontoourselves，notgothinkingofmighthavebeens。\'

SoElfridehadallowedherthoughtsto\'dallywithfalsesurmise，\'

andeveryoneofKnight\'swordsfelluponherlikeaweight。

Afterthistheyweresilentforalongtime，gazingupontheblackmysterioussea，andhearingthestrangevoiceoftherestlesswind。Arockingtoandfroonthewaves，whenthebreezeisnottooviolentandcold，producesasoothingeffectevenuponthemosthighly-wroughtmind。ElfrideslowlysankagainstKnight，andlookingdown，hefoundbyhersoftregularbreathingthatshehadfallenasleep。Notwishingtodisturbher，hecontinuedstill，andtookanintensepleasureinsupportingherwarmyoungformasitroseandfellwithhereverybreath。

Knightfelltodreamingtoo，thoughhecontinuedwideawake。Itwaspleasanttorealizetheimplicittrustsheplacedinhim，andtothinkofthecharminginnocenceofonewhocouldsinktosleepinsosimpleandunceremoniousamanner。Morethanall，themusingunpracticalstudentfelttheimmenseresponsibilityhewastakinguponhimselfbybecomingtheprotectorandguideofsuchatrustingcreature。Thequietslumberofhersoullentaquietnesstohisown。Thenshemoaned，andturnedherselfrestlessly。

Presentlyhermutteringsbecamedistinct:

\'Don\'ttellhim——hewillnotloveme……Ididnotmeananydisgrace——indeedIdidnot，sodon\'ttellHarry。Weweregoingtobemarried——thatwaswhyIranaway……Andhesayshewillnothaveakissedwoman……Andifyoutellhimhewillgoaway，andI

shalldie。Iprayhavemercy——Oh!\'

Elfridestartedupwildly。

Thepreviousmomentamusicalding-donghadspreadintotheairfromtheirrighthand，andawakenedher。

\'Whatisit？\'sheexclaimedinterror。

\'Only"eightbells，"\'saidKnightsoothingly。\'Don\'tbefrightened，littlebird，youaresafe。Whathaveyoubeendreamingabout？\'

\'Ican\'ttell，Ican\'ttell!\'shesaidwithashudder。\'Oh，I

don\'tknowwhattodo!\'

\'Stayquietlywithme。Weshallsoonseethedawnnow。Look，themorningstarislovelyoverthere。Thecloudshavecompletelyclearedoffwhilstyouhavebeensleeping。Whathaveyoubeendreamingof？\'

\'Awomaninourparish。\'

\'Don\'tyoulikeher？\'

\'Idon\'t。Shedoesn\'tlikeme。Wherearewe？\'

\'AboutsouthoftheExe。\'

Knightsaidnomoreonthewordsofherdream。TheywatchedtheskytillElfridegrewcalm，andthedawnappeared。Itwasmerewanlightnessfirst。Thenthewindblewinachangedspirit，anddiedawaytoazephyr。Thestardissolvedintotheday。

\'That\'showIshouldliketodie，\'saidElfride，risingfromherseatandleaningoverthebulwarktowatchthestar\'slastexpiringgleam。

\'Asthelinessay，\'Knightreplied——

\'"Tosetassetsthemorningstar，whichgoesNotdownbehindthedarken\'dwest，norhidesObscuredamongthetempestsofthesky，Butmeltsawayintothelightofheaven。”\'

\'Oh，otherpeoplehavethoughtthesamething，havethey？That\'salwaysthecasewithmyoriginalities——theyareoriginaltonobodybutmyself。\'

\'Notonlythecasewithyours。WhenIwasayounghandatreviewingIusedtofindthatafrightfulpitfall——dilatinguponsubjectsImetwith，whichwerenoveltiestome，andfindingafterwardstheyhadbeenexhaustedbythethinkingworldwhenI

wasinpinafores。\'

\'Thatisdelightful。WheneverIfindyouhavedoneafoolishthingIamglad，becauseitseemstobringyoualittlenearertome，whohavedonemany。\'AndElfridethoughtagainofherenemyasleepunderthedecktheytrod。

Allupthecoast，prominencessingledthemselvesoutfromrecesses。Thenarosyskyspreadovertheeasternseaandbehindthelowlineofland，flingingitsliveryindashesuponthethinairycloudsinthatdirection。Everyprojectiononthelandseemednowsomanyfingersanxioustocatchalittleoftheliquidlightthrownsoprodigallyoverthesky，andafterafantastictimeoflustrousyellowsintheeast，thehigherelevationsalongtheshorewerefloodedwiththesamehues。ThebluffandbarecontoursofStartPointcaughtthebrightest，earliestglowofall，andsoalsodidthesidesofitswhitelighthouse，percheduponashelfinitsprecipitousfrontlikeamediaevalsaintinaniche。TheirloftyneighbourBoltHeadontheleftremainedasyetungilded，andretaineditsgray。

Thenupcamethesun，asitwereinjerks，justtoseawardoftheeasternmostpointofland，flingingoutaJacob\'s-ladderpathoflightfromitselftoElfrideandKnight，andcoatingthemwithraysinafewminutes。Theinferiordignitariesoftheshore——

FrowardPoint，BerryHead，andPrawle——allhadacquiredtheirshareoftheilluminationerethis，andatlengththeverysmallestprotuberanceofwave，cliff，orinlet，eventotheinnermostrecessesofthelovelyvalleyoftheDart，haditsportion；andsunlight，nowthecommonpossessionofall，ceasedtobethewonderfulandcovetedthingithadbeenashorthalfhourbefore。

Afterbreakfast，Plymoutharoseintoview，andgrewdistinctertotheirnearingvision，theBreakwaterappearinglikeastreakofphosphoriclightuponthesurfaceofthesea。ElfridelookedfurtivelyaroundforMrs。Jethway，butcoulddiscernnoshapelikehers。Afterwards，inthebustleoflanding，shelookedagainwiththesameresult，bywhichtimethewomanhadprobablyglideduponthequayunobserved。Expandingwithasenseofrelief，ElfridewaitedwhilstKnightlookedtotheirluggage，andthensawherfatherapproachingthroughthecrowd，twirlinghiswalking-sticktocatchtheirattention。Elbowingtheirwaytohimtheyallenteredthetown，whichsmiledassunnyasmileuponElfrideasithaddonebetweenoneandtwoyearsearlier，whenshehadentereditatpreciselythesamehourasthebride-electofStephenSmith。

ChapterXXX

\'VassaluntoLove。\'

ElfrideclungclosertoKnightasdaysucceededday。Whateverelsemightadmitofquestion，therecouldbenodisputethattheallegiancesheborehimabsorbedherwholesoulandexistence。A

greaterthanStephenhadarisen，andshehadleftalltofollowhim。

Theunreservedgirlwasnevercharyoflettingherloverdiscoverhowmuchsheadmiredhim。Sheneveronceheldanideainoppositiontoanyoneofhis，orinsistedonanypointwithhim，orshowedanyindependence，orheldherownonanysubject。Hislightestwhimsherespectedandobeyedaslaw，andif，expressingheropiniononamatter，hetookupthesubjectanddifferedfromher，sheinstantlythrewdownherownopinionaswronganduntenable。Evenherambiguitiesandespiegleriewerebutmediaofthesamemanifestation；actedcharades，embodyingthewordsofherprototype，thetenderandsusceptibledaughter-in-lawofNaomi:

\'Letmefindfavourinthysight，mylord；forthatthouhastcomfortedme，andforthatthouhastspokenfriendlyuntothinehandmaid。\'

Shewassyringingtheplantsonewetdayinthegreenhouse。

Knightwassittingunderagreatpassion-flowerobservingthescene。Sometimeshelookedoutattherainfromthesky，andthenatElfride\'sinnerrainoflargerdrops，whichfellfromtreesandshrubs，afterhavingpreviouslyhungfromthetwigslikesmallsilverfruit。

\'Imustgiveyousomethingtomakeyouthinkofmeduringthisautumnatyourchambers，\'shewassaying。\'Whatshallitbe？

Portraitsdomoreharmthangood，byselectingtheworstexpressionofwhichyourfaceiscapable。Hairisunlucky。Andyoudon\'tlikejewellery。\'

\'Somethingwhichshallbringbacktomymindthemanysceneswehaveenactedinthisconservatory。IseewhatIshouldprizeverymuch。Thatdwarfmyrtletreeinthepot，whichyouhavebeensocarefullytending。\'

Elfridelookedthoughtfullyatthemyrtle。

\'Icancarryitcomfortablyinmyhatbox，\'saidKnight。\'AndI

willputitinmywindow，andso，itbeingalwaysbeforemyeyes，Ishallthinkofyoucontinually。\'

ItsohappenedthatthemyrtlewhichKnighthadsingledouthadapeculiarbeginningandhistory。IthadoriginallybeenatwigworninStephenSmith\'sbutton-hole，andhehadtakenitthence，stuckitintothepot，andtoldherthatifitgrew，shewastotakecareofit，andkeepitinremembranceofhimwhenhewasfaraway。

Shelookedwistfullyattheplant，andasenseoffairnesstoSmith\'smemorycausedherapangofregretthatKnightshouldhaveaskedforthatveryone。Itseemedexceedingacommonheartlessnesstoletitgo。

\'Istherenotanythingyoulikebetter？\'shesaidsadly。\'Thatisonlyanordinarymyrtle。\'

\'No:Iamfondofmyrtle。\'Seeingthatshedidnottakekindlytotheidea，hesaidagain，\'Whydoyouobjecttomyhavingthat？\'

\'Ohno——Idon\'tobjectprecisely——itwasafeeling——Ah，here\'sanothercuttinglatelystruck，andjustassmall——ofabetterkind，andwithprettierleaves——myrtusmicrophylla。\'

\'Thatwilldonicely。Letitbeputinmyroom，thatImaynotforgetit。Whatromanceattachestotheother？\'

\'Itwasagifttome。\'

Thesubjectthendropped。Knightthoughtnomoreofthemattertill，onenteringhisbedroomintheevening，hefoundthesecondmyrtleplaceduponhisdressing-tableashehaddirected。Hestoodforamomentadmiringthefreshappearanceoftheleavesbycandlelight，andthenhethoughtofthetransactionoftheday。

Maleloversaswellasfemalecanbespoiltbytoomuchkindness，andElfride\'suniformsubmissivenesshadgivenKnightaratherexactingmanneratcrises，attachedtoherashewas。\'WhyshouldshehaverefusedtheoneIfirstchose？\'henowaskedhimself。

Evensuchslightoppositionasshehadshownthenwasexceptionalenoughtomakeitselfnoticeable。Hewasnotvexedwithherintheleast:themerevariationofherwayto-dayfromherusualwayskepthimmusingonthesubject，becauseitperplexedhim。

\'Itwasagift\'——thosewereherwords。Admittingittobeagift，hethoughtshecouldhardlyvalueamerefriendmorethanshevaluedhimasalover，andgivingtheplantintohischargewouldhavemadenodifference。\'Except，indeed，itwasthegiftofalover，\'hemurmured。

\'IwonderifElfridehaseverhadaloverbefore？\'hesaidaloud，asanewidea，quite。Thisandcompanionthoughtswereenoughtooccupyhimcompletelytillhefellasleep——ratherlaterthanusual。

Thenextday，whentheywereagainalone，hesaidtoherrathersuddenly——

\'Doyoulovememoreorless，Elfie，forwhatItoldyouonboardthesteamer？\'

\'Youtoldmesomanythings，\'shereturned，liftinghereyestohisandsmiling。

\'Imeantheconfessionyoucoaxedoutofme——thatIhadneverbeeninthepositionofloverbefore。\'

\'Itisasatisfaction，Isuppose，tobethefirstinyourheart，\'

shesaidtohim，withanattempttocontinuehersmiling。

\'Iamgoingtoaskyouaquestionnow，\'saidKnight，somewhatawkwardly。\'Ionlyaskitinawhimsicalway，youknow:notwithgreatseriousness，Elfride。Youmaythinkitodd，perhaps。\'

Elfridetrieddesperatelytokeepthecolourinherface。Shecouldnot，thoughdistressedtothinkthatgettingpaleshowedconsciousnessofdeeperguiltthanmerelygettingred。

\'Ohno——Ishallnotthinkthat，\'shesaid，becauseobligedtosaysomethingtofillthepausewhichfollowedherquestioner\'sremark。

\'Itisthis:haveyoueverhadalover？Iamalmostsureyouhavenot；but，haveyou？\'

\'Not，asitwere，alover；Imean，notworthmentioning，Harry，\'

shefaltered。

Knight，overstrainedinsentimentasheknewthefeelingtobe，feltsomesicknessofheart。

\'Still，hewasalover？\'

\'Well，asortoflover，Isuppose，\'sherespondedtardily。

\'Aman，Imean，youknow。\'

\'Yes；butonlyamereperson，and——\'

\'Buttrulyyourlover？\'

\'Yes；alovercertainly——hewasthat。Yes，hemighthavebeencalledmylover。\'

Knightsaidnothingtothisforaminuteormore，andkeptsilenttimewithhisfingertothetickoftheoldlibraryclock，inwhichroomthecolloquywasgoingon。

\'Youdon\'tmind，Harry，doyou？\'shesaidanxiously，nestlingclosetohim，andwatchinghisface。

\'Ofcourse，Idon\'tseriouslymind。Inreason，amancannotobjecttosuchatrifle。Ionlythoughtyouhadn\'t——thatwasall。\'

However，oneraywasabstractedfromthegloryaboutherhead。

Butafterwards，whenKnightwaswanderingbyhimselfoverthebareandbreezyhills，andmeditatingonthesubject，thatraysuddenlyreturned。Forshemighthavehadalover，andneverhavecaredintheleastforhim。Shemighthaveusedthewordimproperly，andmeant\'admirer\'allthetime。Ofcourseshehadbeenadmired；andonemanmighthavemadehisadmirationmoreprominentthanthatoftherest——averynaturalcase。

Theyweresittingononeofthegardenseatswhenhefoundoccasiontoputthesuppositiontothetest。\'Didyoulovethatloveroradmirerofyourseversolittle，Elfie？\'

Shemurmuredreluctantly，\'Yes，IthinkIdid。\'

Knightfeltthesamefainttouchofmisery。\'Onlyaverylittle？\'

hesaid。

\'Iamnotsurehowmuch。\'

\'Butyouaresure，darling，youlovedhimalittle？\'

\'IthinkIamsureIlovedhimalittle。\'

\'Andnotagreatdeal，Elfie？\'

\'Mylovewasnotsupportedbyreverenceforhispowers。\'

\'But，Elfride，didyoulovehimdeeply？\'saidKnightrestlessly。

\'Idon\'texactlyknowhowdeepyoumeanbydeeply。\'

\'That\'snonsense。\'

\'Youmisapprehend；andyouhaveletgomyhand!\'shecried，hereyesfillingwithtears。\'Harry，don\'tbeseverewithme，anddon\'tquestionme。IdidnotlovehimasIdoyou。AndcoulditbedeeplyifIdidnotthinkhimclevererthanmyself？ForIdidnot。Yougrievemesomuch——youcan\'tthink。\'

\'Iwillnotsayanotherwordaboutit。\'

\'Andyouwillnotthinkaboutit，either，willyou？IknowyouthinkofweaknessesinmeafterIamoutofyoursight；andnotknowingwhattheyare，Icannotcombatthem。Ialmostwishyouwereofagrossernature，Harry；intruthIdo!Orrather，IwishIcouldhavetheadvantagessuchanatureinyouwouldaffordme，andyethaveyouasyouare。\'

\'Whatadvantageswouldtheybe？\'

\'Lessanxiety，andmoresecurity。Ordinarymenarenotsodelicateintheirtastesasyou；andwheretheloverorhusbandisnotfastidious，andrefined，andofadeepnature，thingsseemtogoonbetter，Ifancy——asfarasIhavebeenabletoobservetheworld。\'

\'Yes；Isupposeitisright。Shallownesshasthisadvantage，thatyoucan\'tbedrownedthere。\'

\'ButIthinkI\'llhaveyouasyouare；yes，Iwill!\'shesaidwinsomely。\'Thepracticalhusbandsandwiveswhotakethingsphilosophicallyareveryhumdrum，aretheynot？Yes，itwouldkillmequite。Youpleasemebestasyouare。\'