第23章

takewarningbyit。Thewildestwordsthatfellfromhimwere，oneandall，thefaithfulechoofwhathesaidtomeinthebestdaysofhishealthandhisstrength。WhathopehaveIthathewillrecoverwithanalteredmindtowardme？Absencehasnotchangedit；sufferinghasnotchangedit。Inthedeliriumoffever，andinthefullpossessionofhisreason，hehasthesamedreadfuldoubtofme。Iseebutonewayofwinninghimback：I

mustdestroyatitsroothismotiveforleavingme。ItishopelesstopersuadehimthatIbelieveinhisinnocence：Imustshowhimthatbeliefisnolongernecessary；Imustprovetohimthathispositiontowardmehasbecomethepositionofaninnocentman！"

"Valeria！Valeria！youarewastingtimeandwords。Youhavetriedtheexperiment；andyouknowaswellasIdothatthethingisnottobedone。"

Ihadnoanswertothat。IcouldsaynomorethanIhadsaidalready。

"SupposeyougobacktoDexter，outofsheercompassionforamadandmiserablewretchwhohasalreadyinsultedyou，"proceededmymother—in—law。"Youcanonlygobackaccompaniedbyme，orbysomeothertrustworthyperson。Youcanonlystaylongenoughtohumorthecreature’swaywardfancy，andtokeephiscrazybrainquietforatime。Thatdone，allisdone——youleavehim。EvensupposingDextertobestillcapableofhelpingyou，howcanyoumakeuseofhimbutbyadmittinghimtotermsofconfidenceandfamiliarity——bytreatinghim，inshort，onthefootingofanintimatefriend？Answermehonestly：canyoubringyourselftodothat，afterwhathappenedatMr。Benjamin’shouse？"

IhadtoldherofmylastinterviewwithMiserrimusDexter，inthenaturalconfidencethatsheinspiredinmeasrelativeandfellow—traveler；andthiswastheusetowhichsheturnedherinformation！IsupposeIhadnorighttoblameher；Isupposethemotivesanctionedeverything。Atanyrate，Ihadnochoicebuttogiveoffenseortogiveananswer。Igaveit。IacknowledgedthatIcouldneveragainpermitMiserrimusDextertotreatmeontermsoffamiliarityasatrustedandintimatefriend。

Mrs。Macallanpitilesslypressedtheadvantagethatshehadwon。

"Verywell，"shesaid，"thatresourcebeingnolongeropentoyou，whathopeisleft？Whichwayareyoutoturnnext？"

Therewasnomeetingthosequestions，inmypresentsituation，byanyadequatereply。Ifeltstrangelyunlikemyself——Isubmittedinsilence。Mrs。Macallanstruckthelastblowthatcompletedhervictory。

"MypoorEustaceisweakandwayward，"shesaid；"butheisnotanungratefulman。Mychild，youhavereturnedhimgoodforevil——youhaveprovedhowfaithfullyandhowdevotedlyyoulovehim，bysufferingallhardshipsandriskingalldangersforhissake。Trustme，andtrusthim！Hecannotresistyou。Lethimseethedearfacethathehasbeendreamingoflookingathimagainwithalltheoldloveinit，andheisyoursoncemore，mydaughter——yoursforlife。"Sheroseandtouchedmyforeheadwithherlips；hervoicesanktotonesoftendernesswhichIhadneverheardfromheryet。"Sayyes，Valeria，"shewhispered；"andbedearertomeanddearertohimthanever！"

Myheartsidedwithher。Myenergieswerewornout。NoletterhadarrivedfromMr。Playmoretoguideandtoencourageme。Ihadresistedsolongandsovainly；Ihadtriedandsufferedsomuch；

Ihadmetwithsuchcrueldisastersandsuchreiterateddisappointments——andhewasintheroombeneathme，feeblyfindinghiswaybacktoconsciousnessandtolife——howcouldI

resist？Itwasallover。InsayingYes（ifEustaceconfirmedhismother’sconfidenceinhim），Iwassayingadieutotheonecherishedambition，theonedearandnoblehopeofmylife。I

knewit——andIsaidYes。

Andsogood—bytothegrandstruggle！AndsowelcometothenewresignationwhichownedthatIhadfailed。

Mymother—in—lawandIslepttogetherundertheonlyshelterthattheinncouldoffertous——asortofloftatthetopofthehouse。Thenightthatfollowedourconversationwasbitterlycold。Wefeltthechillytemperature，inspiteoftheprotectionofourdressing—gownsandourtraveling—wrappers。Mymother—in—lawslept，butnorestcametome。Iwastooanxiousandtoowretched，thinkingovermychangedposition，anddoubtinghowmyhusbandwouldreceiveme，tobeabletosleep。

Somehours，asIsuppose，musthavepassed，andIwasstillabsorbedinmyownmelancholythoughts，whenIsuddenlybecameconsciousofanewandstrangesensationwhichastonishedandalarmedme。Istartedupinthebed，breathlessandbewildered。

ThemovementawakenedMrs。Macallan。"Areyouill？"sheasked。

"Whatisthematterwithyou？"Itriedtotellher，aswellasI

could。SheseemedtounderstandmebeforeIhaddone；shetookmetenderlyinherarms，andpressedmetoherbosom。"Mypoorinnocentchild，"shesaid，"isitpossibleyoudon’tknow？MustI

reallytellyou？"Shewhisperedhernextwords。ShallIeverforgetthetumultoffeelingswhichthewhisperarousedinme——thestrangemedleyofjoyandfear，andwonderandrelief，andprideandhumility，whichfilledmywholebeing，andmadeanewwomanofmefromthatmoment？Now，forthefirsttime，Iknewit！IfGodsparedmeforafewmonthsmore，themostenduringandthemostsacredofallhumanjoysmightbemine——thejoyofbeingamother。

Idon’tknowhowtherestofthenightpassed。Ionlyfindmymemoryagainwhenthemorningcame，andwhenIwentoutbymyselftobreathethecrispwintryairontheopenmoorbehindtheinn。

IhavesaidthatIfeltlikeanewwoman。Themorningfoundmewithanewresolutionandanewcourage。WhenIthoughtofthefuture，Ihadnotonlymyhusbandtoconsidernow。Hisgoodnamewasnolongerhisownandmine——itmightsoonbecomethemostpreciousinheritancethathecouldleavetohischild。WhathadI

donewhileIwasinignoranceofthis？Ihadresignedthehopeofcleansinghisnamefromthestainthatrestedonit——astainstill，nomatterhowlittleitmightlookintheeyeoftheLaw。

Ourchildmightlivetohearmalicioustonguessay，"Yourfatherwastriedforthevilestofallmurders，andwasneverabsolutelyacquittedofthecharge。"CouldIfacethegloriousperilsofchildbirthwiththatpossibilitypresenttomymind？No！notuntilIhadmadeonemoreefforttolaytheconscienceofMiserrimusDexterbaretomyview！notuntilIhadonceagainrenewedthestruggle，andbroughtthetruththatvindicatedthehusbandandthefathertothelightofday！

Iwentbacktothehouse，withmynewcouragetosustainme。I

openedmyhearttomyfriendandmother，andtoldherfranklyofthechangethathadcomeovermesincewehadlastspokenofEustace。

Shewasmorethandisappointed——shewasalmostoffendedwithme。

Theonethingneedfulhadhappened，shesaid。Thehappinessthatmightsooncometouswouldformanewtiebetweenmyhusbandandme。Everyotherconsiderationbutthisshetreatedaspurelyfanciful。IfIleftEustacenow，Ididaheartlessthingandafoolishthing。Ishouldregret，totheendofmydays，havingthrownawaytheonegoldenopportunityofmymarriedlife。

Itcostmeahardstruggle，itoppressedmewithmanyapainfuldoubt；butIheldfirmthistime。Thehonorofthefather，theinheritanceofthechild——Ikeptthesethoughtsasconstantlyaspossiblebeforemymind。Sometimestheyfailedme，andleftmenothingbetterthanapoorfoolwhohadsomefitfulburstsofcrying，andwasalwaysashamedofherselfafterward。Butmynativeobstinacy（asMrs。Macallansaid）carriedmethrough。NowandthenIhadapeepatEustace，whilehewasasleep；andthathelpedmetoo。Thoughtheymademyheartacheandshookmesadlyatthetimesthosefurtivevisitstomyhusbandfortifiedmeafterward。Icannotexplainhowthishappened（itseemssocontradictory）；Icanonlyrepeatitasoneofmyexperiencesatthattroubledtime。

ImadeoneconcessiontoMrs。Macallan——IconsentedtowaitfortwodaysbeforeItookanystepsforreturningtoEngland，onthechancethatmymindmightchangeintheinterval。

ItwaswellformethatIyieldedsofar。Ontheseconddaythedirectorofthefield—hospitalsenttothepost—officeatournearesttownforlettersaddressedtohimortohiscare。Themessengerbroughtbackaletterforme。IthoughtIrecognizedthehandwriting，andIwasright。Mr。Playmore’sanswerhadreachedmeatlast！

IfIhadbeeninanydangerofchangingmymind，thegoodlawyerwouldhavesavedmeinthenickoftime。Theextractthatfollowscontainsthepithofhisletter；andshowshowheencouragedmewhenIstoodinsoreneedofafewcheeringandfriendlywords。

"Letmenowtellyou，"hewrote，"whatIhavedonetowardverifyingtheconclusiontowhichyourletterpoints。

"IhavetracedoneoftheservantswhowasappointedtokeepwatchinthecorridoronthenightwhenthefirstMrs。EustacediedatGleninch。Themanperfe