第8章

Foranhourhesatthere，talkingon，mostofitaprettydullkindofdrivel。Mrs。Brindleylistenedpatiently，becauseshelikedhimandbecauseshehadnothingelsetodountilbedtime。Atlastherosewithalongsighandsaid：

``IguessImightaswellbegoing。’’

``She’llnotcomeinto-nightagain，’’saidCyrillaslyly。

Helaughed。``Youareagoodone。I’llownup，I’vebeenstayingonpartlyinthehopethatshe’dcomeback。Butit’sbeenagreatjoytotalktoyouabouther。Iknowyouloveher，too。’’

``Yes，I’mextremelyfondofher，’’saidshe。``I’venotknownmanywomen——manypeoplewithoutpettymeantricks。She’sone。’’

``Isn’tshe，though？’’exclaimedhe。

``Idon’tmeanshe’sperfect，’’saidMrs。Brindley。

``Idon’tevenmeanthatshe’sasangelicasyouthinkher。I’dnotlikeher，ifshewere。Butshe’sasuperiorkindofhuman。’’

Shewastiredofhimnow，andgothimoutspeedily。

Assheclosedthefrontdooruponhim，Mildred’sdoor，downthehall，opened。Herheadappeared，aninquiringlookuponherface。Mrs。Brindleynodded。Mil-

dred，herhairdoneclosetoherhead，adressing-robeoverhernightgownandherbarefeetinlittleslippers，camedownthehall。Shecoiledherselfupinabigchairinthelibraryandlitacigarette。Shelookedlikeahandsomeyoungboy。

``Hetoldyou？’’shesaidtoMrs。Brindley。

``Yes，’’repliedCyrilla。

Silence。Inalltheirintimateacquaintancetherehadneverbeenanapproachtotheconfidentialoneitherside。ItwasCyrilla’snotionthatconfidenceswereamistake，andthatthemorecloselypeoplewerethrowntogetherthemoreresolutelytheyoughttokeepcertainbarriersbetweenthem。SheandMildredgotontooadmirably，likedeachothertoowell，fortheretobeanytriflingwiththeirrelations——andover-intimacyinevitablyledtotrifling。MildredhadrestrainedherselfbecauseMrs。Brindleyhadcompelleditbyrigidexample。Oftenshehadlongedtotalkthingsover，toaskadvice。butshehadneverventuredfurtherthangeneralities，andMrs。Brindleyhadneverprofferedadvice，hadneveracceptedopportunitiestogiveitexceptinthevaguestway。ShehadtaughtMildredagreatdeal，butalwaysbyexample，bydoing，neverbysayingwhatoughtoroughtnottobedone。Thus，suchdevelopmentofMildred’scharacterastherehadbeenwasnaturalandpermanent。

``Hehasputmeinapeculiarposition，’’saidMildred。``Or，rather，Ihaveletmyselfdriftintoapeculiarposition。ForIthinkyou’rerightinsayingthatoneselfisalwaystoblame。Won’tyouletmetalkaboutittoyou，please？Iknowyouhateconfidences。

ButI’vegotto——totalk。I’dlikeyoutoadviseme，ifyoucan。Butevenifyoudon’t，it’lldomegoodtosaythingsaloud。’’

``Oftenoneseesmoreclearly，’’wasCyrilla’sreply——

noncommittal，yetnotdiscouraging。

``I’mfreetomarryhim，’’Mildredwenton。``Thatis，I’mnotmarried。I’drathernotexplain——’’

``Don’t，’’saidMrs。Brindley。``It’sunnecessary。’’

``Youknowthatit’sStanleywhohasbeenlendingmethemoneytoliveonwhileIstudy。Well，fromthebeginningI’vebeenafraidI’dfindmyselfinadifficultposition。’’

``Naturally，’’saidMrs。Brindley，asshepaused。

``ButI’vealwaysexpectedittocomeinanotherway——notaboutmarriage，but——’’

``Iunderstand，’’saidMrs。Brindley。``Youfearedyou’dbecalledontopayinthewaywomenusuallypaydebtstomen。’’

Mildrednodded。``ButthisisworsethanIexpected——muchworse。’’

``Ihadn’tthoughtofthat，’’saidCyrilla。``Yes，you’reright。Ifhehadhintedtheotherthing，youcouldhavepretendednottounderstand。Ifhehadsuggestedit，youcouldhavemadehimfeelcheapandmean。’’

``Idid，’’saidMildred。``Hehasbeen——reallywonderful——betterthanalmostanymanwouldhavebeen——

moreconsideratethanIdeserved。AndItookadvantageofit。’’

``Awomanhasto，’’saidCyrilla。``Thefightbetweenmenandwomenissounequal。’’

``Itookadvantageofhim，’’repeatedMildred。

``Andheapologized，andI——Iwentontakingthemoney。Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo。Isn’tthatdreadful？’’

``Nothingtobeproudof，’’saidCyrilla。``Butaveryusualtransaction。’’

``Andthen，’’pursuedMildred，``IdiscoveredthatI——thatI’dnotbeabletomakeacareer。ButstillIkepton，thoughI’vebeentryingtoforcemyselfto——

toshowsomeprideandself-respect。Idiscovereditonlyashorttimeago，anditwasn’treallyuntilto-daythatIwasabsolutelysure。’’

``YouAREsure？’’

``There’shardlyadoubt，’’repliedMildred。``Butnevermindthatnow。I’vegottomakealivingatsomething，andwhileI’mlearningwhateveritis，I’vegottohavemoneytoliveon。AndIcangetitonlyfromhim。Now，heasksmetomarryhim。Hewouldn’taskmeifhedidn’tthinkIwasgoingtobeagreatsinger。Hedoesn’tknowit，butIdo。’’

Mrs。Brindleysmiledsweetly。

``AndhethinksthatIlovehim，also。IfIaccepthim，itwillbeunderdoublyfalsepretenses。IfIrefusehimI’vegottostoptakingthemoney。’’

Alongsilence。thenMrs。Brindleysaid：``Women——

thegoodones，too——oftenfeelthatthey’vearighttotreatmenasmentreatthem。Ithinkalmostanywomanwouldfeeljustifiedinputtingoffthecrisis。’’

``Youmean，ImighttellhimI’dgivehimmyanswerwhenIwasindependentandhadpaidback。’’

Cyrillanodded。Mildredrelithercigarette，whichshehadletgoout。``Ihadthoughtofthat，’’saidshe。

``But——Idoubtifhe’dtolerateit。Also’’——shelaughedwiththepeculiarintonationthataccompaniestheliftingoftheveiloveradeeplyandcarefullyhiddencornerofone’ssecretself——``Iamafraid。IfIdon’tmarryhim，inafewweeks，ormonthsatmost，he’llprobablyfindoutthatIshallneverbeagreatsinger，andthenI’dnotbeabletomarryhimifIwishedto。’’

``HeISatemptation，’’saidCyrilla。``Thatis，hismoneyis——andhepersonallyisverynice。’’

``ImarriedamanIdidn’tcarefor，’’pursuedMildred。``Idon’twantevertodothatagain。Itis——

eveninthebestcircumstances——notagreeable，notassimpleasitlookstotheinexperiencedgirlswhoarealwaysdoingit。’’

``Still，awomancanendurethatsortofthing，’’saidMrs。Brindley，``unlessshehappenstobeinlovewithanotherman。’’ShewasobservingtheunconsciousMildrednarrowly，astateofinwardtensionandexcitementhintedinherface，butnotinhervoice。

``That’sjustit？’’saidMildred，herfacecarefullyaverted。``I——Ihappentobeinlovewithanotherman。’’

AspasmofpaincrossedCyrilla’sface。

``Amanwhocaresnothingaboutme——andneverwill。He’sjustafriend——somuchthefriendthathecouldn’tpossiblythinkofmeas——asawoman，needinghimandwantinghim’’——hereyeswereonfirenow，andasoftglowhadcomeintohercheeks——``andneverdaringtoshowitbecauseifIdidhewouldflyandneverletmeseehimagain。’’

CyrillaBrindley’sfacewastragicasshelookedatthebeautifulgirl，sogracefullyadjustedtothebigchair。Shesighedcovertly。``Youarelovely，’’shesaid，``andyoung——aboveall，young。’’

``Thismanispeculiar，’’repliedMildredforlornly。

``Anyhow，hedoesn’twantME。Heknowsmeforthefutile，weak，worthlesscreatureIam。Hesawthroughmybluff，evenbeforeIsawthroughitmyself。Ifitweren’tforhim，Icouldgoahead——dothesensiblething——doaswomenusuallydo。But——’’Shecametoafullstop。

``Loveisawoman’ssenseofhonor，’’saidCyrillasoftly。``We’remercilessandunscrupulous——anything——

everything——wherewedon’tlove。Butwherewedolove，we’llgofartherforhonorthanthemosthonorableman。That’swhywe’rebothworseandbetterthanmen——andseemtobesocontradictoryandpuzzling。’’

``I’ddoanythingforhim，’’saidMildred。Shesmileddrearily。``Andhewantsnothing。’’

Shehadnothingmoretosay。ShehadtalkedherselfoutaboutStanley，andhermindwasnowfilledwiththoughtsthatcouldnotbespoken。Assherosetogotobed，shelookedappealinglyatCyrilla。Then，withasuddenandshyrushsheflungherarmsroundherandkissedher。``Thankyou——somuch，’’shesaid。

``You’vedonemeaworldofgood。SayingitalloutloudbeforeYOUhasmademesee。Iknowmyownmind，now。’’

ShedidnotnotethepathetictendernessofCyrilla’sfaceasshesaid，``Goodnight，Mildred。’’Butshedidnotetheuseofherfirstname——andherownrightfirstname——forthefirsttimesincetheyhadknowneachother。Sheembracedandkissedheragain。``Goodnight，Cyrilla，’’shesaidgratefully。

AssheenteredJennings’sstudiothenextdayhelookedather。andwhenJenningslooked，hesaw——asmustanyonewholiveswellbyplayinguponhumannature。

Hedidnotlikeherexpression。Shedidnothabituallysmile。herlight-heartedness，heroptimism，didnotshowthemselvesinthatinaneway。Butthisseriousnessofherswasofanewkind，ofthekindthatbespeakssobrietyandsanenessofsoul。Andthatkindofseriousness——

thedeep，inwardgravityofapersonwhosedaysoftriflingwiththemselvesandwiththefactsoflife，andofbeingtrifledwith，areover——wouldhaveimpressedJenningsequallyhadshecomeinlaughing，hadhereverywordbeenajest。

``No，Ididn’tcomeforalesson——atleastnottheusualkind，’’saidshe。

Hewasnotonetoyieldwithoutastruggle。Alsohewishedtofeelhiswaytothemeaningofthisnewmood。Heputhermusicontherack。``We’llbeginwherewe——’’

``Thishalf-hourofyourtimeismine，isitnot？’’

saidshequietly。``Let’snotwasteanyofit。YesterdayyoutoldmethatIcouldnothopetomakeacareerbecausemyvoiceisunreliable。Whyisitunreliable？’’

``Becauseyouhaveadelicatethroat，’’repliedhe，yieldingatoncewhereheinstinctivelyknewhecouldnotwin。

``ThenwhycanIsingsowellsometimes？’’

``Becauseyourthroatisingoodconditionsomedays——inperfectcondition。’’

``It’sthecoldsthen——andtheslightattacksofcolds？’’

``Certainly。’’

``IfIdidnotcatchcolds——ifIkeptperfectlywell——couldIrelyonmyvoice？’’

``Butthat’simpossible，’’saidhe。

``Why？’’

``You’renotstrongenough。’’

``ThenIhaven’tthephysicalstrengthforacareer？’’

``That——andalsoyouarelackinginmusculardevelopment。Butafterseveralyearsoflessons——’’

``IfIdevelopedmymuscles——ifIbecamestrong——’’

``Mostofthegreatsingerscomefromthelowerclasses——frompeoplewhodomanuallabor。Theydidmanuallaborintheiryouth。Yougirlsofthebetterclasshavetoovercomethathandicap。’’

``Butsomanyofthegreatsingersarefat。’’

``Yes，andunderthatfatyou’llfindgreatropesofmuscle——likeablacksmith。’’

``WhatKeithmeant，’’shesaid。``Iwonder——

WhydoIcatchcoldsoeasily？WhydoIalmostalwayshaveaslightcatchinthethroat？HaveyounoticedthatInearlyalwayshavetoclearmythroatjustalittle？’’

Herexpressionheldhim。Hehesitated，triedtoevade，gaveitup。``Untilthatpasses，youcanneverhopetobeathoroughlyreliablesinger，’’saidhe。

``Thatis，Ican’thopetomakeacareer？’’

Hissilencewasassent。

``ButIhavethevoice？’’

``Youhavethevoice。’’

``Anunusualvoice？’’

``Yes，butnotsounusualasmightbethought。Asamatteroffact，therearethousandsoffinevoices。

Thetroubleisinreliability。Onlyafewarereliable。’’

Shenoddedslowlyandthoughtfully。``IbegintounderstandwhatMr。Keithmeant，’’shesaid。``I

begintoseewhatIhavetodo，andhow——howimpossibleitis。’’

``Bynomeans，’’declaredJennings。``IfIdidnotthinkotherwise，I’dnotbegivingmytimetoyou。’’

Shelookedathimgravely。Hiseyesshifted，thenreturneddefiantly，aggressively。Shesaid：

``Youcan’thelpmetowhatIwant。Sothisismylastlesson——forthepresent。Imaycomebacksomeday——whenIamreadyforwhatyouhavetogive。’’

``Youaregoingtogiveup？’’

``Oh，no——oh，dearme，no，’’repliedshe。``Irealizethatyou’relaughinginyoursleeveasIsayso，becauseyouthinkI’llnevergetanywhere。Butyou——andMr。Keith——maybemistaken。’’Shedrewfromhermuffapieceofmusic——the``BattiBatti，’’from``DonGiovanni。’’``Ifyouplease，’’saidshe，``we’llspendtherestofmytimeingoingoverthis。Iwanttobeabletosingitaswellaspossible。’’

Helookedsearchinglyather。``Ifyouwish，’’saidhe。``ButIdoubtifyou’llbeabletosingatall。’’

``Onthecontrary，mycold’sentirelygone，’’repliedshe。``Ihadanexcitingevening，IdoctoredmyselfbeforeIwenttobed，andthreeorfourtimesinthenight。

Ifound，thismorning，thatIcouldsing。’’

Anditwasso。Neverhadshesungbetter。``Likeatrueartist！’’hedeclaredwithanenthusiasmthathadafoundationofsincerity。``Youknow，MissStevens，youcameveryneartohavingthatrarestofallgifts——

anaturallyplacedvoice。Ifyouhadn’thadsingingteachersasagirltomakeyouself-consciousandtoteachyouwrong，you’dhavebeenawonder。’’

``Imaygetitback，’’saidMildred。

``Thatneverhappens，’’repliedhe。``ButIcanalmostdoit。’’

Hecoachedherforhalfanhourstraightahead，sendingthenextpupilintotheadjoiningroom——anunprecedentedtransgressionofroutine。Heshowedherforthefirsttimewhatateacherhecouldbe，whenhewished。Therewasanastonishingdifferencebetweenherfirstsingingofthesongandhersixthandlast——fortheywentthroughitcarefullyfivetimes。Shethankedhimandthenputoutherhand，saying：

``Thisisalonggood-by。’’

``To-morrow，’’repliedhe，ignoringherhand。

``No。Mymoneyisallgone。Besides，Ihavenotimeforamateurtrifling。’’

``Yourlessonsarepaidforuntiltheendofthemonth。Thisisonlythenineteenth。’’

``Thenyouaresomuchin。’’Againsheputoutherhand。

Hetookit。``Youowemeanexplanation。’’

Shesmiledmockingly。``Asafriendofminesays，don’taskquestionstowhichyoualreadyknowtheanswer。’’

Andshedeparted，thesmilestillonhercharmingface，butthenewseriousnessbeneathit。Asshehadanticipated，shefoundStanleyBairdwaitingforherinthedrawing-roomoftheapartment。Beingbyhabitmuchinterestedinhisownemotionsandnotatallintheemotionsofothers，hesawonlythehealthfulradiancethesharpOctoberairhadputintohercheeksandeyes。Certainly，tolookatMildredGowerwastogetnoimpressionoflackofhealthandstrength。Herglancewaveredalittleatsightofhim，thentheexpressionoffirmnesscameback。

``Youlooklikethatpictureyougavemealongtimeago，’’saidhe。``Doyourememberit？’’

Shedidnot。

``Ithasa——differentexpression，’’hewenton。``I

don’tthinkI’dhavenoticeditbutforKeith。Ihappenedtoshowittohimoneday，andhestaredatitinthatwayhehas——youknow？’’

``Yes，Iknow，’’saidMildred。Shewasseeingthoseuncanny，brilliant，penetratingeyes，insuchstartlingcontrasttothecalm，lifelesscoloringandclassicchiselingoffeatures。

``Andafterawhilehesaid，`So，THAT’SMissStevens！’AndIaskedhimwhathemeant，andhetookoneofyourlaterphotosandputthetwosidebyside。

Tomynotionthelaterwasalotthemoreattractive，forthefacewasrounderandsofteranddidn’thaveacertainkindof——well，hardness，asifyouhadawillandcouldrideroughshod。Notthatyoulooksofrightfullyunattractive。’’

``Irememberthepicture，’’interruptedMildred。``ItwastakenwhenIwastwenty——justafteranillness。’’

``ThefaceWASthin，’’saidStanley。``Keithcalledita`giveaway。’’’

``I’dliketoseeit，’’saidMildred。

``I’lltrytofindit。ButI’mafraidIcan’t。I

haven’tseenitsinceIshowedittoKeith，andwhenI

huntedforittheotherday，itdidn’tturnup。I’vechangedvaletsseveraltimesinthelastsixmonths——’’

ButMildredhadceasedlistening。Keithhadseenthepicture，hadcalledita``giveaway，’’hadbeeninterestedinit——andthepicturehaddisappeared。Shelaughedatherownfolly，yetshewasgladStanleyhadgivenherthischancetomakeupasillyday-dream。

Shewaiteduntilhehadexhaustedhimselfonthesubjectofvalets，theirdrunkenness，theirthievishhabits，theirincompetence，thenshesaid：

``ItookmylastlessonfromJenningsto-day。’’

``What’sthematter？Doyouwanttochange？

Youdidn’tsayanythingaboutit？Isn’thegood？’’

``Goodenough。ButI’vediscoveredthatmyvoiceisn’treliable，andunlessonehasareliablevoicethere’snochanceforagrand-operacareer——orforcomicopera，either。’’

Stanleywasstraightwayallagitationandprotest。

``Whoputthatnotioninyourhead？There’snothinginit，Mildred。Jenningsiscrazyaboutyourvoice，andheknows。’’

``Jenningsisafterthemoney，’’repliedMildred。

``WhatI’msayingisthetruth。Stanley，ourbeautifuldreamofacareerhaswinkedout。’’

Hisexpressionwasmostrevealing。

``And，’’shewenton，``I’mnotgoingtotakeanymoreofyourmoney——and，ofcourse，I’llpaybackwhatI’veborrowedwhenIcan’’——shesmiled——``whichmaynotbeverysoon。’’

``What’sallthisabout，anyhow？’’demandedhe。``I

don’tseeanysignofitinyourface。Youwouldn’ttakeitsocoollyifitwereso。’’

``Idon’tunderstandwhyI’mnotwringingmyhandsandweeping，’’repliedshe。``EveryfewminutesItellmyselfthatIoughttobe。ButIstayquitecalm。I

supposeI’m——sortofstupefied。’’

``Doyoureallymeanthatyou’vegivenup？’’criedhe。

``It’snousetowastethemoney，Stanley。I’vegotthevoice，andthat’swhatdeceivedusall。Butthere’snothingBEHINDthevoice。Withagreatsingerthegreatnessisinwhat’sbehindthevoice，notinthevoiceitself。’’

``Idon’tbelieveawordofit，’’criedheviolently。

``You’vebeendiscouragedbyalittlecold。Everybodyhascolds。Why，inthisclimatethecoldsarealwaysgettingtheMetropolitansingersdown。’’

``Butthey’vegotstrongthroats，andmythroat’sdelicate。’’

``Youmustgotoabetterclimate。Yououghttobeabroad，anyhow。Thatwaspartofmyplan——forustogoabroad——’’Hestoppedinconfusion，reddened，wentbravelyon——``andyoutostudythereandmakeyourdebut。’’

Mildredshookherhead。``That’sallover，’’saidshe。

``I’vegottochangemyplansentirely。’’

``You’realittledepressed，that’sall。Foraminuteyoualmostconvincedme。Whataturnyoudidgiveme！IforgothowyourvoicesoundedthelasttimeIheardit。No，you’dnotbesocalm，ifyoudidn’tknoweverythingwasallright。’’

Hereyeslitupwithslyhumor。``PerhapsI’mcalmbecauseIfeelthatmyfuture’ssecureasyourwife。

Whatmorecouldawomanask？’’

Heforcedanuncomfortablelaugh。``Ofcourse——

ofcourse，’’hesaidwithapainfulefforttobeeasyandjocose。

``Iknewyou’dmarryme，evenifIcouldn’tsinganote。Iknewyourbeliefinmycareerhadnothingtodowithit。’’

Hehesitated，blurtedoutthetruth。``Speakingseriously，thatisn’tquiteso，’’saidhe。``I’vegotmyheartsetonyourmakingagreattear——andIknowyou’lldoit。’’

``AndifyouknewIwouldn’t，you’dnotwanttomarryme？’’

``Idon’tsaythat，’’protestedhe。``HowcanIsayhowI’dfeelifyouweredifferent？’’

Shenodded。``That’ssensible，andit’scandid，’’shesaid。Shelaidherhandimpulsivelyonhisarm。``I

DOlikeyou，Stanley。Youhavegotsuchalotofgoodqualities。Don’tworry。I’mnotgoingtoinsistonyourmarryingme。’’

``Youdon’thavetodothat，Mildred，’’saidhe。

``I’mstaring，ravingcrazyaboutyou，thoughI’madamnfooltoletyouknowit。’’

``Yes，itisfoolish，’’saidshe。``Ifyou’dkeptmeworrying——Still，Iguessnot。Butitdoesn’tmatter。

Youcanprotestandurgeallyouplease，quitesafely。

I’mnotgoingtomarryyou。Nowlet’stalkbusiness。’’

``Let’stalkmarriage，’’saidhe。``Iwantthisthingsettled。Youknowyouintendtomarryme，Mildred。

Whynotsayso？Whykeepmegaspingonthehook？’’

Theyheardthefrontdooropen，andtherustlingofskirtsdownthehall。Mildredcalled：

``Mrs。Brindley！Cyrilla！’’

AninstantandCyrillaappearedinthedoorway。

WhensheandBairdhadshakenhands，Mildredsaid：

``Cyrilla，Iwantyoutotelltheexact，honesttruth。

Isthereanyhopeforawomanwithadelicatethroattomakeagrand-operacareer？’’

Cyrillapaled，lookedpleadinglyatMildred。

``Tellhim，’’commandedMildred。

``Verylittle，’’saidMrs。Brindley。``But——’’

``Don’ttrytosoftenit，’’interruptedMildred。

``Thetruth，theplaintruth。’’

``You’venorighttodrawmeintothis，’’criedCyrillaindignantly，andshestartedtoleavetheroom。

``Iwanthimtoknow，’’saidMildred。``Andhewantstoknow。’’

``Irefusetobedrawnintoit，’’Cyrillasaid，anddisappeared。

ButMildredsawthatStanleyhadbeenshaken。Sheproceededtoexplaintohimatlengthwhatasinger’scareermeant——thehardships，thedraftsonhealthandstrength，theabsolutenecessityofbeingreliable，ofsingingtrue，ofnotdisappointingaudiences——whatadelicatethroatmeant——howdelicateherthroatwas——howdeficientshewasinthekindofphysicalstrengthneeded——muscularpowerwithendurancebackofit。

Whenshefinishedheunderstood。

``I’dalwaysthoughtofitasanart，’’hesaidruefully。``Why，it’smostlyhealthandmusclesandthingsthathavenothingtodowithmusic。’’Hewasdazedandoffendedbythisuncoveringofthemechanismoftheart——bythediscoveryofthecoarseandpainfultoil，thegrosslyphysicalbasis，ofwhathadseemedtohimallidealism。Hehadbeenfullofthedelusionsofspontaneityandinspiration，likealllaymen，andallartists，too，exceptthoseofthehigherranks——thosewhohavefoughttheirwayuptotheheightsand，so，havelearnedthatonedoesnotachievethembybeingcaughtuptothemgloriouslyinafierycloud，butbydoggedlyanddirtilyandsweatilytoilingovereveryinchofthecruelclimb。

Hesatsilentwhenshehadfinished。Shewaited，thensaid：

``Now，yousee。Ireleaseyou，andI’lltakenomoremoneytowaste。’’

Helookedatherwithdumbmiserythatsmoteherheart。Thenhisexpressionchanged——totheshining，hungryeyes，theswollenveins，thereddenedcountenance，thewateringlipsofdesire。Heseizedherinhisarms，andinavoicetremblingwithpassion，hecried：

``Youmustmarryme，anyhow！I’veGOTtohaveyou，Mildred。’’

Ifshehadlovedhim，hisexpression，hisimpassionedvoicewouldhavethrilledher。Butshedidnotlovehim。

Ittookallherlikingforhim，andthememoryofallsheowedhim——thatunpaiddebt！——toenablehertopushhimawaygentlyandtosaywithoutanyshowoftherepulsionshefelt：

``Stanley，youmustn’tdothat。Andit’suselesstotalkofmarriage。You’regenerous，soyouaretakingpityonme。Butbelieveme，I’llgetalongsomehow。’’

``Pity？ItellyouIloveyou，’’hecried，catchingdesperatelyatherhandsandholdingtheminagripshecouldnotbreak。``You’venorighttotreatmelikethis。’’

Itwasoneofthoseveiledandstealthyremindersofobligationhabituallyindulgedinbydelicatepeopleseekingrepaymentofthedebt，butshunningthecoarsenessofdirectdemand。Mildredsawheropportunity。

Saidshequietly：

``Youmeanyouwantmetogivemyselftoyouinpayment，orpartpayment，forthemoneyyou’veloanedme？’’

Hereleasedherhandsandsprangup。Hehadmeantjustthat，buthehadnothadthecourage，orthemeanness，orboth，toadmitboldlyhisownsecretwish。

Shehadcalculatedonthis——hadcalculatedwell。

``Mildred！’’hecriedinashockedvoice。``YOUsolackingindelicacyastosaysuchathing！’’

``Ifyoudidn’tmeanthat，Stanley，whatDIDyoumean？’’

``Iwasappealingtoourfriendship——our——ourloveforeachother。’’

``ThenyoushouldhavewaiteduntilIwasfree。’’

``GoodGod！’’hecried，``don’tyouseethat’shopeless？Mildred，besensible——bemerciful。’’

``IshallnevermarryamanwhenhecouldjustlysuspectIdidittoliveoffhim。’’

``Whatanidea！It’saman’splacetosupportawoman！’’

``Iwasspeakingonlyofmyself。_I_can’tdoit。

Andit’sabsurdforyouandmetobetalkingaboutloveandmarriagewhenanyonecanseeI’dbemarryingyouonlybecauseIwasafraidtofacepovertyandastruggle。’’

Hermannercalmedhimsomewhat。``Ofcourseit’sobviousthatyou’vegottohavemoney，’’saidhe，``andthattheonlywayyoucangetitisbymarriage。Butthere’ssomethingelse，too，andinmyopinionit’stheprincipalthing——wecareforeachother。Whynotbesensible，Mildred？WhynotthankGodthataslongasyouhavetomarry，youcanmarrysomeoneyoucarefor。’’

``CouldyoufeelthatIcaredforyou，ifImarriedyounow？’’inquiredshe。

``Whynot？I’mnotsoentirelylackinginself-

esteem。IfeelthatImustcountforsomething。’’

Mildredsatsilentlywonderingatthisphenomenonsoastounding，yetacommonplaceofmasculineegotism。

Shehadnoconceptionofthisvanitywhichcausestheman，atwhomthestreetwomansmiles，tofeelflattered，thoughheknowsfullwellwhatsheisandherdirene-

cessity。Shecouldnotdoubtthathewasspeakingthetruth，yetshecouldnotbelievethatconceitcouldsobefogcommonsenseinamanwho，forallhisslownessandshallowness，wasmorethanordinarilyshrewd。

``EvenifIthoughtIlovedyou，’’saidshe，``I

couldn’tbesureinthesecircumstancesthatIwasn’tafteryourmoney。’’

``Don’tworryaboutthat，’’repliedhe。``I

understandyoubetterthanyouunderstandyourself。’’

``Let’sstoptalkingaboutit，’’saidsheimpatiently。

``Iwanttoexplaintoyouthebusinesssideofthis。’’

Shetookherpursefromthetable。``Herearethepapers。’’Shehandedhimacheckandanote。``I

madethemoutatthebankthismorning。ThenoteisforwhatIoweyou——anddrawsinterestatfourpercent。ThecheckisforallthemoneyIhaveleftexceptaboutfourhundreddollars。I’vesomebillsImustpay，andalsoIdidn’tdarequitestripmyself。Thenotemaynotbeworththepaperit’swrittenon，butIhope——’’

Beforeshecouldpreventhimhetookthetwopapers，and，holdingthemoutofherreach，torethemtobits。

Hereyesgleamedangrily。``Iseeyoudespiseme——asmuchasI’veinvited。But，I’llmakethemoutagainandmailthemtoyou。’’

``You’reasillychild，’’saidhegruffly。``We’regoingtobemarried。’’

Sheeyedhimwithamusedexasperation。``It’stooabsurd！’’shecried。``AndifIyielded，you’dbetryingtogetoutofit。’’Shehesitatedwhethertotellhimfranklyjusthowshefelttowardhim。Shedecidedagainstit，notthroughconsideration——forawomanfeelsnoconsiderationforamanshedoesnotlove，ifhehasirritatedher——butthroughbeingashamedtosayharshthingstoonewhomsheowedsomuch。``It’suselessforyoutopretendandtoplead，’’shewenton。``I

shallnotyield。You’llhavetowaituntilI’mfreeandindependent。’’

``You’llmarrymethen？’’

``No，’’repliedshe，laughing。``ButI’llbeabletorefuseyouinsuchawaythatyou’llbelieve。’’

``Butyou’vegottomarry，Mildred，andrightaway。’’

Asuspicionenteredhismindandinstantlygleamedinhiseyes。``Areyouinlovewithsomeoneelse？’’

Shesmiledmockingly。

``Itlooksasifyouwere，’’hewenton，arguingwithhimselfaloud。``Forifyouweren’tyou’dmarryme，eventhoughyoudidn’tlikeme。Awomaninyourfixsimplycouldn’tkeepherselffromit。IsTHATwhyyou’resocalm？’’

``I’mnotmarryinganybody，’’saidshe。

``Thenwhatareyougoingtodo？’’

``You’llsee。’’

Oncemorethepassionatesideofhisnatureshowed——notmerelygrotesque，unattractive，repellent，asinthemoodoflonging，buthideous。AmongmenStanleyBairdpassedforamanofratherarrogantandviolenttemper，butthatmanwhohadseenhimathismostviolentwouldhavebeenamazed。Thetempermenshowtowardmenbearssmallresemblanceeitherinkindorindegreetothetemperofjealouspassiontheyshowtowardthewomanwhobafflesthemorarousestheirsuspicions。andnomanwouldrecognizehismostintimatemanfriend——orhimself——wheninthatparoxysm。

Mildredhadseenthismood，gleamingatherthroughamask，inGeneralSiddall。Ithadmadehersickwithfearandrepulsion。InStanleyBairditfirstastoundedher，thenfilledherwithhate。

``Stanley！’’shegasped。

``WHOisit？’’hegroundoutbetweenhisteeth。

Andheseizedhersavagely。

``Ifyoudon’treleasemeatonce，’’saidshecalmly，``IshallcallMrs。Brindley，andhaveyouputoutofthehouse。NomatterifIdooweyouallthatmoney。’’

``Stop！’’hecried，releasingher。``You’reveryclever，aren’tyou？——turningthatagainstmeandmakingmepowerless。’’

``Butforthat，wouldyoudarepresumetotouchme，toquestionme？’’saidshe。

Heloweredhisgaze，stoodpantingwiththeefforttosubduehisfury。

Shewentbacktoherownroom。Afewhourslatercamealetterofapologyfromhim。Sheanswereditfriendlily，saidshewouldlethimknowwhenshecouldseehimagain，andenclosedanoteandacheck。

VIII

MILDREDwenttobedthatnightproudofherstrengthofcharacter。Weretheremanywomen——

wasthereanyotherwomanshekneworknewabout——

whoinherdesperatecircumstanceswouldhavedonewhatshehaddone？Shecouldhavemarriedamanwhowouldhavegivenherwealthandtheverybestsocialposition。Shehadrefusedhim。Shecouldhavecontinuedto``borrow’’fromhimthewherewithaltokeepherinluxuriouscomfortwhileshelookedaboutathereaseforapositionthatmeantindependence。

Shehadthrustthetemptationfromher。Allthisfrompurelyhigh-mindedmotives。forothermotivetherecouldbenone。Shewenttosleep，confidentthatonthemorrowshewouldcontinuetotreadthepathofself-

respectwithunfalteringfeet。Butwhenmorningcameherthroatwasoncemoreslightlyoff——enoughtomakeitwisetopostponetheexcursioninsearchofatrialformusicalcomedy。Theexcitementorthereactionfromexcitement——itmustbetheoneortheother——

hadresultedinweaknessshowingitself，naturally，atherweakestpoint——thatdelicatethroat。Whenlifewascalmandorderly，andhermindwasatpeace，thetroublewouldpass，andshecouldgetapositionofsomekind。Notthecareershehaddreamed。thatwasimpossible。Butshehadvoiceenoughforalittlepart，wherealivingcouldbemade。andperhapsshewouldpresentlyfathomthesecretofthecauseofherdelicatethroatandwouldbeabletogofar——possiblyasfarasshehaddreamed。

Thedelayofafewdayswasirritating。Shewouldhavepreferredtopushstraighton，whilehercouragewastaut。Still，thedelayhadoneadvantage——shecouldpreparethedetailsofherplan。So，insteadofgoingtotheofficeofthetheatricalmanager——Crossley，themostsuccessfulproduceroflight，musicalpiecesofallkinds——shewenttocallonseveralofthegirlssheknewwhoweremoreorlessintouchwithmatterstheatrical。Andshefoundoutjusthowtoproceedtowardaccomplishingapurposewhichoughtnottobedifficultforonewithsuchavoiceashersandwithphysicalcharmspeculiarlyfittedforstageexhibition。

NotuntilSaturdaywashervoiceatitsbestagain。

She，naturally，decidednottogotothetheatricalofficeonMonday，buttowaituntilshehadseenandtalkedwithKeith。Onemoredaydidnotmatter，andKeithmightbestimulating，mightevenhavesomeusefulsuggestionstooffer。Shereceivedhimwithamannerthatwasaversion，andamostcharmingversion，ofhisowntranquilindifference。Buthisfirstremarkthrewherintoapanic。Saidhe：

``I’veonlyafewminutes。No，thanks，I’llnotsit。’’

``Youneedn’thavebotheredtocome，’’saidshecoldly。

``Ialwayskeepmyengagements。Bairdtellsmeyouhavegivenupthearrangementyouhadwithhim。

You’llprobablybemovingfromhere，asyou’llnothavethemoneytostayon。Sendmeyournewaddress，please。’’Hetookapaperfromhispocketandgaveittoher。``Youwillfindthisuseful——ifyouareinearnest，’’saidhe。``Good-by，andgoodluck。I’llhopetoseeyouinafewweeks。’’

Beforeshehadrecoveredherselfintheleast，shewasstandingtherealone，thepaperinherhand，herstupefiedgazeuponthedoorthroughwhichhehaddisappeared。

Allhismovementsandhisspeechhadbeenofhiscustomary，hisinvariable，deliberateness。butshehadtheimpressionofwhirlingandrushinghaste。

Withalonggaspingsighshefelltotremblingallover。

Shespedtoherroom，gotitsdoorsafelyclosedjustintime。Downshesankuponthebed，togivewaytoanattackofhysterics。

Weareconstantlyfindingourselvesputtingforththelovelyflowersandfruitofthevirtueswhereoftheheroesandheroinesofromancearesoprolific。Usuallynothingoccurstodisillusionusaboutourselves。Butnowandthenfate，inunusuallybrutalironicmood，forcesustoseetherealreasonwhywedidthisorthatvirtuous，self-sacrificingaction，orblossomedforthinthisorthatnobilityofcharacter。Mildredwasdestinednowtosufferoneofthesesavageblowsofdisillusionmentaboutselfthatthrustusdownfromtheexaltedmoralheightswherewehavebeenpreeningintohumblekinshipwiththeweakandfrailhumanrace。ShesawwhyshehadrefusedStanley，whyshehadstopped``borrowing，’’whyshehadputoffgoingtothetheatricalmanagers，whyshehaddelayedmovingintoquarterswithinherdiminishedandrapidlydiminishingmeans。ShehadbeencountingonDonaldKeith。Shehadconvincedherselfthathelovedherevenasshelovedhim。Hewouldflingawayhiscoldreserve，wouldburstintorapturesoverhervirtueandhercourage，wouldaskhertomarryhim。Or，ifheshouldputoffthat，hewouldatleastundertaketheresponsibilityofgettingherstartedinhercareer。Well！Hehadcome。hehadshownthatStanleyhadtoldhimallorpracticallyall。andhehadgone，withoutaskingasympatheticquestionormakinganencouragingremark。Asindifferentasheseemed。Burntout，cold，heartless。

Shehadleaneduponhim。hehadslippedaway，leavinghertofallpainfully，andludicrously，totheground。

Shehadbeenboastingtoherselfthatshewasstrong，thatshewouldofherownstrengthestablishherselfinindependence。Shehadnotdreamedthatshewouldbecalleduponto``makegood。’’SheravedagainstKeith，againstherself，againstfate。Andabovethechaosandthewreckwithinher，roundandround，hitherandyon，flappedandshiedtheblackthought，``WhatSHALLIdo？’’

Whenshesatupanddriedhereyes，shechancedtoseethepaperKeithhadleft。withwonderatherhavingforgottenitandwithathrobofhopesheopenedandbegantoreadhissmall，difficultwriting：

Acareermeansself-denial。Notoccasional，intermittent，butsteady，constant，daily，hourly——apurposethatneverrelaxes。

Acareerasasingermeansnotonlytheroutine，thepatienttediouswork，thecuttingoutoftime-wastingpeopleandtime-wastingpleasuresthatarenecessarytoanyandallcareers。Itmeansinaddition——forsuchaperson——

sacrificesfarbeyondacharactersoundisciplinedandsocorruptedbyconventionallifeasisyours。Thebasisofasingingcareerishealthandstrength。Youmusthavegreatphysicalstrengthtobeabletosingoperas。Youmusthaveperfecthealth。

Dietandexercise。Aroutinelife，itsroutinerigidlyadheredto，dayinanddayout，monthaftermonth，yearafteryear。Smallanduninterestingandmonotonousfood，nothingtodrink，and，ofcourse，nocigarettes。Suchisthesecretofareliablevoiceforyouwhohavea``delicatethroat’’——whichisthesilly，shallow，andmisleadingwayofsayingadelicatedigestion，forsorethroatalwaysmeansindigestion，nevermeansanythingelse。Tosing，theinstrument，theabsolutelymaterialmachine，mustbeinperfectorder。Therestiseasy。

Somesingerscancommitindiscretionsofdietandoflackofexercise。Butnotyou，becauseyoulackthisnaturalstrength。Donotbedeceivedandmisledbytheirexample。

Exercise。Youmustmakeyourbodystrong，powerful。

Youhavenotthemusclesbynature。Youmustacquirethem。

Thefollowingroutineofdietandexercisemadeoneofthegreatsingers，andkepthergreatforaquarterofacentury。

Ifyouadoptit，withoutvariation，youcanmakeacareer。

Ifyoudonot，youneednothopeforanythingbutfailureandhumiliation。Withinmyknowledgesixty-eightyoungmenandyoungwomenhavestartedinonthissystem。Notonehadthecharactertopersisttosuccess。Thismaysuggestwhy，excepttwowhoareattheverytop，allofthegreatsingersaremenandwomenwhomnaturehasmadepowerfulofbodyandofdigestion——sopowerfulthattheirindiscretionsonlyoccasionallymakethemunreliable。

ThereMildredstoppedandflungthepaperaside。

Shedidnotcareeventoglanceattheexercisespre-

scribedoratthedietandtheroutineofdailywork。

Howdullanduninspired！Howgrosslymaterial！

Stomach！Chewing！Exercisingmachines！Ploddingdrearymilesdaily，rainorshine！Whatcouldsuchthingshavetodowiththefreeandgloriouscareerofaninspiredsinger？Keithwaslaughingatherashehastenedaway，abandoninghertoherfate。

Sheexaminedherselfintheglasstomakesurethattheravagesofherattackofrageandgriefanddespaircouldbeeffacedwithinafewhours，thenshewroteanote——formalyetfriendly——toStanleyBaird，informinghimthatshewouldreceivehimthatevening。HecamewhileCyrillaandMildredwerehavingtheirafter，dinnercoffeeandcigarettes。Hewasamanwhotookgreatpainswithhisclothes，andgotthemwherepainswasnotinvain。Thateveninghehadarrayedhimselfwithunusualcare，andtheresultwasafine，manlyfigureofthewell-bredNew-Yorkertype。CertainlyStanleyhadgroundforhisfeelingthathedeservedandgotlikingforhimself。Thethreesatinthelibraryforperhapshalfanhour，thenMrs。Brindleyrosetoleavetheothertwoalone。Mildredurgedhertostay——MildredwhohadbeenimpatientofherpresencewhenStanleywasannounced。UrgedhertostayinsuchatonethatCyrillacouldnotpersist，buthadtositdownagain。

Asthethreetalkedonandon，MildredcontinuedtopicturelifewithStanley——continuedthevividpicturingshehadbegunwithintenminutesofStanley’sentering，thepicturingthathadcausedhertoinsistonCyrilla’sremainingaschaperon。AyounggirlcandonosuchpicturingasMildredcouldnotavoiddoing。Totheyounggirlmarriedlife，itstete-a-tetes，itsintimacies，itsroutine，areallablank。Anyattemptshemakestofillindetailsgoesfarastray。ButMildred，withStanleytherebeforeher，couldseeherlifeasitwouldbe。

Towardhalf-pastten，Stanleysaid，shame-facedandpleading，``Mildred，IshouldliketoseeyoualoneforjustaminutebeforeIgo。’’

MildredsaidtoCyrilla：``No，don’tmove。We’llgointothedrawing-room。’’

Hefollowedherthere，andwhenthesoundofMrs。

Brindley’sstepinthehallhaddiedaway，hebegan：

``IthinkIunderstandyoualittlenow。Ishan’tinsultyoubyreturningordestroyingthatnoteorthecheck。Iacceptyourdecision——unlessyouwishtochangeit。’’Helookedatherwitheagerappeal。Hisheartwastrembling，wassickwithapprehension，withthesenseofweakness，ofdangerandgloomahead。

``Whyshouldn’tIhelpyou，atleast，Mildred？’’heurged。

Whencethecouragecamesheknewnot，butthroughherchokingthroatsheforcedapositive，``No。’’

``And，’’hewenton，``ImeantwhatIsaid。Iloveyou。I’mwretchedwithoutyou。Iwantyoutomarryme，careerornocareer。’’

Herfearswereclamorous，butsheforcedherselftosay，``Ican’tchange。’’

``Ihoped——alittle——thatyousentmethenoteto-

daybecauseyou——Youdidn’t？’’

``No，’’saidMildred。``Iwantustobefriends。

Butyoumustkeepaway。’’

Hebenthishead。``ThenI’llgo’wayoffsomewhere。

Ican’tbearbeinghereinNewYorkandnotseeingyou。AndwhenI’vebeenawayayearorso，perhapsI’llgetcontrolofmyselfagain。’’

Goingaway！——totrytoforget！——nodoubt，tosucceedinforgetting！Thenthiswasherlastchance。

``MustIgo，Mildred？Won’tyourelent？’’

``Idon’tloveyou——andInevercan。’’Shewasdeathlywhiteandtrembling。Sheliftedhereyestobeginaretreat，forhercouragehadquiteoozedaway。

Hewaslookingather，hisfacedistortedwithaminglingofthepassionofdesireandthepassionofjealousy。

Sheshrank，caughtatthebackofachairforsupport，feltsuddenlystronganddefiant。Tobethisman’splaything，tosubmittohismoods，tohisjealousies，tohiscaprices——tobehistofumbleandcaress，histohavethefuryofhispassionwreakitselfuponherwithnoresponsefromherbutonlyrepulsionandloathing——andthelongdrearyhoursanddaysandyearsalonewithhim，listeningtohiscommonplaces，oftensotedious，forcedtotrytoamusehimandtokeephiminagoodhumorbecauseheheldthepurse-

strings——

``Pleasego，’’shesaid。

Shewasstillveryyoung，stillhadyearsandyearsofyouthunspent。Surelyshecouldfindsomethingbetterthanthis。Surelylifemustmeansomethingmorethanthis。Atleastitwasworthatrial。

Heheldouthishand。Shegavehimherreluctantandcoldfingers。Hesaidsomething，whatshedidnothear，forthebloodwasroaringinherearsastheroomswamround。Hewasgone，andthenextthingshedefinitelyknewshewasatthethresholdofCyrilla’sroom。Cyrillagaveheratenderlysympatheticglance。

Shesawherselfinamirrorandknewwhy。herfacewasgrayanddrawn，andhereyeslaydullydeepwithindarkcircles。

``Icouldn’tdoit，’’shesaid。``Isentforhimtomarryhim。ButIcouldn’t。’’

``I’mglad，’’saidCyrilla。``Marriagewithoutloveisalastresort。Andyou’realongwayfromlastresorts。’’

``Youdon’tthinkI’mcrazy？’’

``Ithinkyou’vewonagreatvictory。’’

``Victory！’’AndMildredlaugheddolefully。``Ifthisisvictory，IhopeI’llneverknowdefeat。’’

WhydidMildredrefuseStanleyBairdandcutherselfofffromhim，evenafterherhopesofDonaldKeithdiedthroughlackoffood，realorimaginary？Itwouldbegratifyingtoofferthisasacaseofpurecourageandhighprinciple，untaintedofthemotiveswhichgovernordinaryhumanactions。Butunluckilythisisabiography，notaromance，ahistoryandnotaeulogy。

AndMildredGowerisahumanbeing，evenasyouandI，notagalvanizedembodimentofsuperhumanvirtuessuchasyouandIarepretendingtobe，perhapseventoourselves。Theexplanationofherstrangeaberration，whichwillbedoubtedorsecretlycondemnedbyeverywomanoftheshelteredclasseswholovesherdependenceandseekstodisguiseitassomethingsweetandfineand``womanly’’——theexplanationofheralmostinsaneactofrenunciationofallthataladyholdsmostdearissimpleenough，puzzlingthoughshefoundit。Ignorance，whichaccountsforsomuchofthesqualidfailureinhumanlife，accountsalsoformuchifnotallthemostsplendidaudaciousachievement。Veryoften——very，veryoften——theimpossibilitiesareachievedbythosewhointheirignoranceadvancenotboldlybutunconcernedlywhereawisermanorwomanwouldshrinkandretreat。Fortunateindeedisheorshewhoinacrisisisbychanceequippedwithneithertoolittlenortoomuchknowledge——whoknowsenoughtoenablehimtoadvance，butdoesnotknowenoughtoappreciatehowperilous，howfoolhardy，howharshandcruel，advancewillbe。Mildredwasinthisinstancethusfortunate——unfortunate，shewaspresentlytothinkit。

Sheknewenoughaboutlovelessmarriagetoshrinkfromit。Shedidnotknowenoughaboutwhatpoverty，moneylessness，andfriendlessnessmeanintheactualitytoawomanbredasshehadbeen。Sheimaginedsheknew——andsickathearthernotionofpovertymadeher。Butimaginationwasonlyfaintestforeshadowingofactuality。Ifshehadknown，shewouldhaveyieldedtothetemptationthatwasalmosttoostrongforher。Andifshehadyielded——whatthen？

Notsucharepulsivelot，asourcomfortableclasseslookatit。Plentytoeatanddrinkandtowear，servantsandequipagesandfinehousesandfinesociety，theenvyofhergapingkind——acomfortablelifeforthebody，acomfortabledeathformindandheart，slowlyandsoftlysuffocatedinluxury。Partlythroughknowledgethatstronglyaffectedhercharacter，whichwasonthewholeaspiringandsensitivebeyondtheaveragetothetrueandthebeautiful，partlythroughignorancethatveiledthefuturefromhernonetoovalorousandhardyheart，shedidnotyieldtothetemptation。Andthus，insteadofdying，shebegantolive，forwhatislifebutgrowthinexperience，instrengthandknowledgeandcapability？

Ababyenterstheworldscreamingwithpain。Thefirstsensationsoflivingareagonizing。Itisthesamewiththebirthofsouls，forasoulisnotreallybornuntilthatdaywhenitisofferedchoicebetweenlifeanddeathandchooseslife。InMildredGower’scasethisbirthwasanagony。Sheawokethefollowingmorningwithadullheadache，afaintingheart，andathroatsosorethatshefeltapainfulcatchwhenevershetriedtoswallow。Sheusedthespray。shemassagedherthroatandneckvigorously。Invain。itwasfollytothinkofgoingwhereshemighthavetoriskatrialofhervoicethatday。Thesunwasbrilliantandtheairsharpwithoutbeinghumidortoocold。Shedressed，breakfasted，wentoutforawalk。Thethroatgrewworse，thenbetter。Shereturnedforluncheon，andafterwardbegantothinkofpacking，notthatshehadchosenanewplace，butbecauseshewishedtohavesomesortofasenseofaction。Butherunhappinessdroveheroutagain——totheparkwheretheairwasfineandshecouldwalkincomparativesolitude。

``WhatasillyfoolIam！’’thoughtshe。``WhydidIdothisintheworst，thehardestpossibleway？I

shouldhaveheldontoStanleyuntilIhadaposition。

No，I’msuchapoorcreaturethatIcouldneverhavedoneitinthatway。I’dsimplyhavekeptonbluffing，foolingmyself，puttingoffandputtingof。Ihadtojumpintothewaterwithnobodyneartohelpme，orI’dneverhavebeguntolearntoswim。Ihaven’tbegunyet。Imayneverlearntoswim。Imaydrown。

Yes，Iprobablyshalldrown。’’

Shewanderedaimlesslyon——aroundtheupperreservoirwherethestrongbreezefreshenedherthroughandthroughandmadeherfeellessforlorninspiteofherchickenheart。ShecrossedthebridgeatthelowerendandcamedowntowardtheEastDrive。Ataxicabrushedby，notsofast，however，thatshefailedtorecognizeDonaldKeithandCyrillaBrindley。Theyweretalkingsoearnestly——Keithwastalking，forawonder，andMrs。Brindleylistening——thattheydidnotseeher。Shewentstraighthome。Butasshewasafoot，thejourneytookabouthalfanhour。Cyrillawasalreadythere，inanegligee，lookingasifshehadnotbeenoutofthelittlelibraryforhours。Shewaswritingaletter。Mildredstrolledinandseatedherself。

Cyrillawentonwriting。Mildredwatchedherimpatiently。Shewishedtotalk，tobetalkedto，tobeconsoledandcheered，tohearaboutDonaldKeith。Wouldthatletterneverbefinished？Atlastitwas，andCyrillatookabookandsettledherselftoreading。Therewasavaguesomethinginhermanner——achange，anattitudetowardMildred——thatdisturbedMildred。Or，wasthatnotionofachangemerelytheoffspringofherownsombermood？SeeingthatMrs。Brindleywouldnotbegin，shebrokethesilenceherself。Saidsheawkwardly：

``I’vedecidedtomove。Infact，I’vegottomove。’’

Cyrillalaiddownthebookandregardedhertran-

quilly。``Ofcourse，’’saidshe。``I’vealreadybeguntoarrangeforsomeoneelse。’’

Mildredchoked，andthetearswelledintohereyes。

Shehadnotbeenmistaken。Cyrillahadchangedtowardher。Nowthatshehadnoprospectsforabrilliantcareer，nowthathermoneywasgone，Cyrillahadbegunto——tobehuman。Nodoubt，inthecourseofthatdrive，CyrillahaddiscoveredthatKeithhadnointerestinhereither。MildredbeatdownheremotionandwassoonabletosayinavoiceasunconcernedasCyrilla’s：

``I’llfindaplaceto-morrowornextday，andgoatonce。’’

``I’llbesorrytoloseyou，’’saidMrs。Brindley，``butIagreewithyouthatyoucan’tgetsettledanytoosoon。’’

``Youdon’thappentoknowofanycheap，goodplace？’’saidMildred。

``Ifit’scheap，Idon’tthinkit’slikelytobegood——

inNewYork，’’repliedCyrilla。``You’llhavetoputupwithinconveniences——andworse。I’doffertohelpyoufindaplace，butIthinkeverythingself-reliantonedoeshelpsonetolearn。Don’tyou？’’

``Yes，indeed，’’assentedMildred。Thethingwasself-evidentlytrue。stillshebegantohateCyrilla。

Thiscold-heartedNewYork！HowshewouldgrinddownherheelwhenshegotitontheneckofNewYork！

Friendship，love，helpfulness——whatdidNewYorkandNew-Yorkersknowofthesethings？``OrHangingRock，either，’’reflectedshe。Whatacoldandlonelyworld！

``Haveyoubeentoseeaboutaposition？’’inquiredCyrilla。

Mildredwasthrownintoconfusion。``Ican’tgo——

fora——dayorso，’’shestammered。``Thechangeableweatherhasratherupsetmythroat。Nothingserious，butIwanttobeatmybest。’’

``Certainly，’’saidMrs。Brindley。HerdirectgazemadeMildreduncomfortable。Shewenton：``You’resureit’stheweather？’’

``Whatelsecoulditbe？’’demandedMildredwithalatentresentmentwhoseinterestingoriginshedidnotpausetoinquireinto。

``Well，salad，orsauces，ordesserts，orcafeaulaitinthemorning，orcandy，ortea，’’saidCyrilla。``Oritmightbecigarettes，orallthosethings——andthinstockingsandlowshoes——mightn’tit？’’

NeverbeforehadsheknownCyrillatosayanythingmeddlesomeorcattish。SaidMildredwithafaintsneer，``ThatsoundslikeMr。Keith’scrankiness。’’

``Itis，’’repliedCyrilla。``Iusedtothinkhewasacrankonthesubjectofsingingandstomachs，andsingingandankles。ButI’vebeenconvinced，partlybyhim，mostlybywhatI’veobserved。’’

Mildredmaintainedanicysilence。

``IseeyouareresentingwhatIsaid，’’observedCyrilla。

``Notatall，’’saidMildred。``Nodoubtyoumeantwell。’’

``Youwillpleaserememberthatyouaskedmeaquestion。’’

Soshehad。Butthediscoverythatshewasclearlyinthewrong，thatshehadinvitedthedisguisedlecture，onlyaggravatedhersenseofresentmentagainstMrs。

Brindley。Shespenttherestoftheafternooninsortingandpackingherbelongings——andincrying。ShecameuponthepaperDonaldKeithhadleft。Shereaditthroughcarefully，thoughtfully，readittothelastdirectionastoexercisewiththemachine，thelastarrangementforadailyroutineoflife，thelastsuggestionastodiet。

``Fortunatelyallthatisn’tnecessary，’’saidshetoherself，whenshehadfinished。``Ifitwere，Icouldnevermakeacareer。I’mnotstupidenoughtobeabletoleadthatkindoflife。Why，I’dnotcaretomakeacareer，atthatprice。Slavery——plainslavery。’’

Whenshewentintodinner，shesawinstantlythatCyrillatoohadbeencrying。Cyrilladidnotlookold，anythingbutthat，indeedwasnotoldandwouldnotbegintobeformanyayear。Still，afterthirty-fiveorfortyawomancannotindulgeagoodcrywithoutitsleavingserioustracesthatwillshowhoursafterward。

AtsightoftheevidencesofCyrilla’sgriefMildredstraightwayforgotherresentment。TheremusthavebeensomeothercauseforCyrilla’speculiarconduct。

Nomatterwhat，sinceitwasnothardnessofheart。

Itwasasad，evenagloomydinner。Butthetwowomenwereoncemoreinperfectsympathy。AndafterwardMildredbroughttheKeithpaperandaskedCyrilla’sopinion。Cyrillareadslowlyandwithoutcomment。Atlastshesaid：

``Hegotthisfromhismother，LuciaRivi。Haveyoureadherlife？’’

``No。I’veheardalmostnothingabouther，exceptthatshewasfamous。’’

``Shewasmorethanthat，’’saidMrs。Brindley。

``Shewasgreat，agreatpersonality。Shewasanalmostsicklychildandgirl。Herfirstattemptsonthestagewerehumiliatingfailures。Shehadnohealth，noendurance，nothingbutasmallvoiceofrarequality。’’