第25章

`Ihavethegreatestpleasure,mydearEmma,inforwardingtoyoutheenclosed.Iknowwhatthoroughjusticeyouwilldoit,andhavescarcelyadoubtofitshappyeffect-Ithinkweshallnevermateriallydisagreeaboutthewriteragain;butIwillnotdelayyoubyalongpreface-Wearequitewell-ThisletterhasbeenthecureofallthelittlenervousnessIhavebeenfeelinglately-IdidnotquitelikeyourlooksonTuesday,butitwasanungenialmorning;andthoughyouwillneverownbeingaffectedbyweather,Ithinkeverybodyfeelsanorth-eastwind-IfeltforyourdearfatherverymuchinthestormofTuesdayafternoonandyesterdaymorning,buthadthecomfortofhearinglastnight,byMr.Perry,thatithadnotmadehimill.`Yoursever,`A.W.\'

[ToMrs.Weston.]WINDSOR-JULY.MYDEARMADAM,

`IfImademyselfintelligibleyesterday,thisletterwillbeexpected;butexpectedornot,Iknowitwillbereadwithcandourandindulgence-Youareallgoodness,andIbelievetherewillbeneedofevenallyourgoodnesstoallowforsomepartsofmypastconduct-ButIhavebeenforgivenbyonewhohadstillmoretoresent.MycourageriseswhileIwrite.Itisverydifficultfortheprosperoustobehumble.Ihavealreadymetwithsuchsuccessintwoapplicationsforpardon,thatImaybeindangerofthinkingmyselftoosureofyours,andofthoseamongyourfriendswhohavehadanygroundofoffence-YoumustallendeavourtocomprehendtheexactnatureofmysituationwhenIfirstarrivedatRandalls;youmustconsidermeashavingasecretwhichwastobekeptatallhazards.Thiswasthefact.Myrighttoplacemyselfinasituationrequiringsuchconcealment,isanotherquestion.Ishallnotdiscussithere.Formytemptationtothinkitaright,Irefereverycavillertoabrickhouse,sashedwindowsbelow,andcasementsabove,inHighbury.Idarednotaddressheropenly;mydifficultiesinthethenstateofEnscombemustbetoowellknowntorequiredefinition;andIwasfortunateenoughtoprevail,beforewepartedatWeymouth,andtoinducethemostuprightfemalemindinthecreationtostoopincharitytoasecretengagement-Hadsherefused,Ishouldhavegonemad-Butyouwillbereadytosay,whatwasyourhopeindoingthis?-Whatdidyoulookforwardto?-Toanything,everything-totime,chance,circumstance,sloweffects,suddenbursts,perseveranceandweariness,healthandsickness.Everypossibilityofgoodwasbeforeme,andthefirstofblessingssecured,inobtainingherpromisesoffaithandcorrespondence.Ifyouneedfartherexplanation,Ihavethehonour,mydearmadam,ofbeingyourhusband\'sson,andtheadvantageofinheritingadispositiontohopeforgood,whichnoinheritanceofhousesorlandscaneverequalthevalueof-Seeme,then,underthesecircumstances,arrivingonmyfirstvisittoRandalls;-andhereIamconsciousofwrong,forthatvisitmighthavebeensoonerpaid.YouwilllookbackandseethatIdidnotcometillMissFairfaxwasinHighbury;andasyouwerethepersonslighted,youwillforgivemeinstantly;butImustworkonmyfather\'scompassion,byremindinghim,thatsolongasIabsentedmyselffromhishouse,solongIlosttheblessingofknowingyou.Mybehaviour,duringtheveryhappyfortnightwhichIspentwithyou,didnot,Ihope,laymeopentoreprehension,exceptingononepoint.AndnowIcometotheprincipal,theonlyimportantpartofmyconductwhilebelongingtoyou,whichexcitesmyownanxiety,orrequiresverysolicitousexplanation.Withthegreatestrespect,andthewarmestfriendship,doImentionMissWoodhouse;myfatherperhapswillthinkIoughttoadd,withthedeepesthumiliation-Afewwordswhichdroppedfromhimyesterdayspokehisopinion,andsomecensureIacknowledgemyselfliableto-MybehaviourtoMissWoodhouseindicated,Ibelieve,morethanitought-Inordertoassistaconcealmentsoessentialtome,Iwasledontomakemorethananallowableuseofthesortofintimacyintowhichwewereimmediatelythrown-IcannotdenythatMissWoodhousewasmyostensibleobject-butIamsureyouwillbelievethedeclaration,thathadInotbeenconvincedofherindifference,Iwouldnothavebeeninducedbyanyselfishviewstogoon-AmiableanddelightfulasMissWoodhouseis,shenevergavemetheideaofayoungwomanlikelytobeattached;andthatshewasperfectlyfreefromanytendencytobeingattachedtome,wasasmuchmyconvictionasmywish-Shereceivedmyattentionswithaneasy,friendly,goodhumouredplayfulness,whichexactlysuitedme.Weseemedtounderstandeachother.Fromourrelativesituation,thoseattentionswereherdue,andwerefelttobeso-WhetherMissWoodhousebeganreallytounderstandmebeforetheexpirationofthatfortnight,Icannotsay;-whenIcalledtotakeleaveofher,IrememberthatIwaswithinamomentofconfessingthetruth,andIthenfanciedshewasnotwithoutsuspicion;butIhavenodoubtofherhavingsincedetectedme,atleastinsomedegree-Shemaynothavesurmisedthewhole,butherquicknessmusthavepenetratedapart.Icannotdoubtit.Youwillfind,wheneverthesubjectbecomesfreedfromitspresentrestraints,thatitdidnottakeherwhollybysurprize.Shefrequentlygavemehintsofit.Irememberhertellingmeattheball,thatIowedMrs.EltongratitudeforherattentionstoMissFairfax-Ihopethishistoryofmyconducttowardsherwillbeadmittedbyyouandmyfatherasgreatextenuationofwhatyousawamiss.WhileyouconsideredmeashavingsinnedagainstEmmaWoodhouse,Icoulddeservenothingfromeither.Acquitmehere,andprocureforme,whenitisallowable,theacquittalandgoodwishesofthatsaidEmmaWoodhouse,whomIregardwithsomuchbrotherlyaffection,astolongtohaveherasdeeplyandashappilyinloveasmyself-WhateverstrangethingsIsaidordidduringthatfortnight,youhavenowakeyto.MyheartwasinHighbury,andmybusinesswastogetmybodythitherasoftenasmightbe,andwiththeleastsuspicion.Ifyourememberanyqueernesses,setthemalltotherightaccount-Ofthepianofortesomuchtalkedof,Ifeelitonlynecessarytosay,thatitsbeingorderedwasabsolutelyunknowntoMissF-,whowouldneverhaveallowedmetosendit,hadanychoicebeengivenher-Thedelicacyofhermindthroughoutthewholeengagement,mydearmadam,ismuchbeyondmypowerofdoingjusticeto.Youwillsoon,Iearnestlyhope,knowherthoroughlyyourself-Nodescriptioncandescribeher.Shemusttellyouherselfwhatsheis-yetnotbyword,forneverwasthereahumancreaturewhowouldsodesignedlysuppressherownmerit-SinceIbeganthisletter,whichwillbelongerthanIforesaw,Ihaveheardfromher-Shegivesagoodaccountofherownhealth;butasshenevercomplains,Idarenotdepend.Iwanttohaveyouropinionofherlooks.Iknowyouwillsooncallonher;sheislivingindreadofthevisit.Perhapsitispaidalready.Letmehearfromyouwithoutdelay;Iamimpatientforathousandparticulars.RememberhowfewminutesIwasatRandalls,andinhowbewildered,howmadastate:andIamnotmuchbetteryet;stillinsaneeitherfromhappinessormisery.WhenIthinkofthekindnessandfavourIhavemetwith,ofherexcellenceandpatience,andmyuncle\'sgenerosity,Iammadwithjoy:butwhenIrecollectalltheuneasinessIoccasionedher,andhowlittleIdeservetobeforgiven,Iammadwithanger.IfIcouldbutseeheragain!-ButImustnotproposeityet.Myunclehasbeentoogoodformetoencroach-Imuststilladdtothislongletter.Youhavenotheardallthatyououghttohear.Icouldnotgiveanyconnecteddetailyesterday;butthesuddenness,and,inonelight,theunseasonablenesswithwhichtheaffairburstout,needsexplanation;forthoughtheeventofthe26thult.,asyouwillconclude,immediatelyopenedtomethehappiestprospects,Ishouldnothavepresumedonsuchearlymeasures,butfromtheveryparticularcircumstances,whichleftmenotanhourtolose.Ishouldmyselfhaveshrunkfromanythingsohasty,andshewouldhavefelteveryscrupleofminewithmultipliedstrengthandrefinement-ButIhadnochoice.Thehastyengagementshehadenteredintowiththatwoman-Here,mydearmadam,Iwasobligedtoleaveoffabruptly,torecollectandcomposemyself-Ihavebeenwalkingoverthecountry,andamnow,Ihope,rationalenoughtomaketherestofmyletterwhatitoughttobe-Itis,infact,amostmortifyingretrospectforme.Ibehavedshamefully.AndhereIcanadmit,thatmymannerstoMissW.,inbeingunpleasanttoMissF.,werehighlyblameable.Shedisapprovedthem,whichoughttohavebeenenough-Mypleaofconcealingthetruthshedidnotthinksufficient-Shewasdispleased;Ithoughtunreasonablyso:Ithoughther,onathousandoccasions,unnecessarilyscrupulousandcautious:Ithoughtherevencold.Butshewasalwaysright.IfIhadfollowedherjudgment,andsubduedmyspiritstothelevelofwhatshedeemedproper,IshouldhaveescapedthegreatestunhappinessIhaveeverknown-Wequarrelled-DoyourememberthemorningspentatDonwell?-Thereeverylittledissatisfactionthathadoccurredbeforecametoacrisis.Iwaslate;Imetherwalkinghomebyherself,andwantedtowalkwithher,butshewouldnotsufferit.Sheabsolutelyrefusedtoallowme,whichIthenthoughtmostunreasonable.Now,however,Iseenothinginitbutaverynaturalandconsistentdegreeofdiscretion.WhileI,toblindtheworldtoourengagement,wasbehavingonehourwithobjectionableparticularitytoanotherwoman,wasshetobeconsentingthenexttoaproposalwhichmighthavemadeeverypreviouscautionuseless?-HadwebeenmetwalkingtogetherbetweenDonwellandHighbury,thetruthmusthavebeensuspected-Iwasmadenough,however,toresent-Idoubtedheraffection.IdoubteditmorethenextdayonBoxHill;when,provokedbysuchconductonmyside,suchshameful,insolentneglectofher,andsuchapparentdevotiontoMissW.,asitwouldhavebeenimpossibleforanywomanofsensetoendure,shespokeherresentmentinaformofwordsperfectlyintelligibletome-Inshort,mydearmadam,itwasaquarrelblamelessonherside,abominableonmine;andIreturnedthesameeveningtoRichmond,thoughI