第24章

Mr.WestonhadaccompaniedhertoMrs.Bates\'s,andgonethroughhisshareofthisessentialattentionmosthandsomely;butshehavingtheninducedMissFairfaxtojoinherinanairing,wasnowreturnedwithmuchmoretosay,andmuchmoretosaywithsatisfaction,thanaquarterofanhourspentinMrs.Bates\'sparlour,withalltheencumbranceofawkwardfeelings,couldhaveafforded.

AlittlecuriosityEmmahad;andshemadethemostofitwhileherfriendrelated.Mrs.Westonhadsetofftopaythevisitinagooddealofagitationherself;andinthefirstplacehadwishednottogoatallatpresent,tobeallowedmerelytowritetoMissFairfaxinstead,andtodeferthisceremoniouscalltillalittletimehadpassed,andMr.Churchillcouldbereconciledtotheengagement\'sbecomingknown;as,consideringeverything,shethoughtsuchavisitcouldnotbepaidwithoutleadingtoreports:-butMr.Westonhadthoughtdifferently;hewasextremelyanxioustoshewhisapprobationtoMissFairfaxandherfamily,anddidnotconceivethatanysuspicioncouldbeexcitedbyit;orifitwere,thatitwouldbeofanyconsequence;for`suchthings,\'heobserved,`alwaysgotabout.\'Emmasmiled,andfeltthatMr.Westonhadverygoodreasonforsayingso.Theyhadgone,inshort-andverygreathadbeentheevidentdistressandconfusionofthelady.Shehadhardlybeenabletospeakaword,andeverylookandactionhadshewnhowdeeplyshewassufferingfromconsciousness.Thequiet,heart-feltsatisfactionoftheoldlady,andtherapturousdelightofherdaughter-whoprovedeventoojoyoustotalkasusual,hadbeenagratifying,yetalmostanaffecting,scene.Theywerebothsotrulyrespectableintheirhappiness,sodisinterestedineverysensation;thoughtsomuchofJane;somuchofeverybody,andsolittleofthemselves,thateverykindlyfeelingwasatworkforthem.MissFairfax\'srecentillnesshadofferedafairpleaforMrs.Westontoinvitehertoanairing;shehaddrawnbackanddeclinedatfirst,but,onbeingpressedhadyielded;and,inthecourseoftheirdrive,Mrs.Westonhad,bygentleencouragement,overcomesomuchofherembarrassment,astobringhertoconverseontheimportantsubject.Apologiesforherseeminglyungracioussilenceintheirfirstreception,andthewarmestexpressionsofthegratitudeshewasalwaysfeelingtowardsherselfandMr.Weston,mustnecessarilyopenthecause;butwhentheseeffusionswereputby,theyhadtalkedagooddealofthepresentandofthefuturestateoftheengagement.Mrs.Westonwasconvincedthatsuchconversationmustbethegreatestrelieftohercompanion,pentupwithinherownmindaseverythinghadsolongbeen,andwasverymuchpleasedwithallthatshehadsaidonthesubject.

`Onthemiseryofwhatshehadsuffered,duringtheconcealmentofsomanymonths,\'continuedMrs.Weston,`shewasenergetic.Thiswasoneofherexpressions.``Iwillnotsay,thatsinceIenteredintotheengagementIhavenothadsomehappymoments;butIcansay,thatIhaveneverknowntheblessingofonetranquilhour:\'\'-andthequiveringlip,Emma,whichutteredit,wasanattestationthatIfeltatmyheart.\'

`Poorgirl!\'saidEmma.`Shethinksherselfwrong,then,forhavingconsentedtoaprivateengagement?\'

`Wrong!Noone,Ibelieve,canblamehermorethansheisdisposedtoblameherself.``Theconsequence,\'\'saidshe,``hasbeenastateofperpetualsufferingtome;andsoitought.Butafterallthepunishmentthatmisconductcanbring,itisstillnotlessmisconduct.Painisnoexpiation.Inevercanbeblameless.Ihavebeenactingcontrarytoallmysenseofright;andthefortunateturnthateverythinghastaken,andthekindnessIamnowreceiving,iswhatmyconsciencetellsmeoughtnottobe.\'\'``Donotimagine,madam,\'\'shecontinued,``thatIwastaughtwrong.Donotletanyreflectionfallontheprinciplesorthecareofthefriendswhobroughtmeup.Theerrorhasbeenallmyown;andIdoassureyouthat,withalltheexcusethatpresentcircumstancesmayappeartogive,IshallyetdreadmakingthestoryknowntoColonelCampbell.\'\'\'

`Poorgirl!\'saidEmmaagain.`Sheloveshimthenexcessively,Isuppose.Itmusthavebeenfromattachmentonly,thatshecouldbeledtoformtheengagement.Heraffectionmusthaveoverpoweredherjudgment.\'

`Yes,Ihavenodoubtofherbeingextremelyattachedtohim.\'

`Iamafraid,\'returnedEmma,sighing,`thatImustoftenhavecontributedtomakeherunhappy.\'

`Onyourside,mylove,itwasveryinnocentlydone.Butsheprobablyhadsomethingofthatinherthoughts,whenalludingtothemisunderstandingswhichhehadgivenushintsofbefore.Onenaturalconsequenceoftheevilshehadinvolvedherselfin,\'shesaid,`wasthatofmakingherunreasonable.Theconsciousnessofhavingdoneamiss,hadexposedhertoathousandinquietudes,andmadehercaptiousandirritabletoadegreethatmusthavebeen-thathadbeen-hardforhimtobear.``Ididnotmaketheallowances,\'\'saidshe,``whichIoughttohavedone,forhistemperandspirits-hisdelightfulspirits,andthatgaiety,thatplayfulnessofdisposition,which,underanyothercircumstances,would,Iamsure,havebeenasconstantlybewitchingtome,astheywereatfirst.\'\'Shethenbegantospeakofyou,andofthegreatkindnessyouhadshewnherduringherillness;andwithablushwhichshewedmehowitwasallconnected,desiredme,wheneverIhadanopportunity,tothankyou-Icouldnotthankyoutoomuch-foreverywishandeveryendeavourtodohergood.Shewassensiblethatyouhadneverreceivedanyproperacknowledgmentfromherself.\'

`IfIdidnotknowhertobehappynow,\'saidEmma,seriously,`which,inspiteofeverylittledrawbackfromherscrupulousconscience,shemustbe,Icouldnotbearthesethanks;-for,oh!Mrs.Weston,iftherewereanaccountdrawnupoftheevilandthegoodIhavedoneMissFairfax!-Well(checkingherself,andtryingtobemorelively),thisisalltobeforgotten.Youareverykindtobringmetheseinterestingparticulars.Theyshewhertothegreatestadvantage.Iamsuresheisverygood-Ihopeshewillbeveryhappy.Itisfitthatthefortuneshouldbeonhisside,forIthinkthemeritwillbeallonhers.\'

SuchaconclusioncouldnotpassunansweredbyMrs.Weston.ShethoughtwellofFrankinalmosteveryrespect;and,whatwasmore,shelovedhimverymuch,andherdefencewas,therefore,earnest.Shetalkedwithagreatdealofreason,andatleastequalaffection-butshehadtoomuchtourgeforEmma\'sattention;itwassoongonetoBrunswickSquareortoDonwell;sheforgottoattempttolisten;andwhenMrs.Westonendedwith,`Wehavenotyethadtheletterwearesoanxiousfor,youknow,butIhopeitwillsooncome,\'shewasobligedtopausebeforesheanswered,andatlastobligedtoansweratrandom,beforeshecouldatallrecollectwhatletteritwaswhichtheyweresoanxiousfor.

`Areyouwell,myEmma?\'wasMrs.Weston\'spartingquestion.

`Oh!perfectly.Iamalwayswell,youknow.Besuretogivemeintelligenceoftheletterassoonaspossible.\'

Mrs.Weston\'scommunicationsfurnishedEmmawithmorefoodforunpleasantreflection,byincreasingheresteemandcompassion,andhersenseofpastinjusticetowardsMissFairfax.Shebitterlyregrettednothavingsoughtacloseracquaintancewithher,andblushedfortheenviousfeelingswhichhadcertainlybeen,insomemeasure,thecause.HadshefollowedMr.Knightley\'sknownwishes,inpayingthatattentiontoMissFairfax,whichwaseverywayherdue;hadshetriedtoknowherbetter;hadshedoneherparttowardsintimacy;hadsheendeavouredtofindafriendthereinsteadofinHarrietSmith;shemust,inallprobability,havebeensparedfromeverypainwhichpressedonhernow-Birth,abilities,andeducation,hadbeenequallymarkingoneasanassociateforher,tobereceivedwithgratitude;andtheother-whatwasshe?-Supposingeventhattheyhadneverbecomeintimatefriends;thatshehadneverbeenadmittedintoMissFairfax\'sconfidenceonthisimportantmatter-whichwasmostprobable-still,inknowingherassheought,andasshemight,shemusthavebeenpreservedfromtheabominablesuspicionsofanimproperattachmenttoMr.Dixon,whichshehadnotonlysofoolishlyfashionedandharbouredherself,buthadsounpardonablyimparted;anideawhichshegreatlyfearedhadbeenmadeasubjectofmaterialdistresstothedelicacyofJane\'sfeelings,bythelevityorcarelessnessofFrankChurchill\'s.Ofallthesourcesofevilsurroundingtheformer,sincehercomingtoHighbury,shewaspersuadedthatshemustherselfhavebeentheworst.Shemusthavebeenaperpetualenemy.Theynevercouldhavebeenallthreetogether,withoutherhavingstabbedJaneFairfax\'speaceinathousandinstances;andonBoxHill,perhaps,ithadbeentheagonyofamindthatwouldbearnomore.

Theeveningofthisdaywasverylong,andmelancholy,atHartfield.Theweatheraddedwhatitcouldofgloom.Acoldstormyrainsetin,andnothingofJulyappearedbutinthetreesandshrubs,whichthewindwasdespoiling,andthelengthoftheday,whichonlymadesuchcruelsightsthelongervisible.

TheweatheraffectedMr.Woodhouse,andhecouldonlybekepttolerablycomfortablebyalmostceaselessattentiononhisdaughter\'sside,andbyexertionswhichhadnevercostherhalfsomuchbefore.Itremindedheroftheirfirstforlorntete-a-tete,ontheeveningofMrs.Weston\'swedding-day;butMr.Knightleyhadwalkedinthen,soonaftertea,anddissipatedeverymelancholyfancy.Alas!suchdelightfulproofsofHartfield\'sattraction,asthosesortofvisitsconveyed,mightshortlybeover.Thepicturewhichshehadthendrawnoftheprivationsoftheapproachingwinter,hadprovederroneous;nofriendshaddesertedthem,nopleasureshadbeenlost-Butherpresentforebodingsshefearedwouldexperiencenosimilarcontradiction.Theprospectbeforehernow,wasthreateningtoadegreethatcouldnotbeentirelydispelled-thatmightnotbeevenpartiallybrightened.Ifalltookplacethatmighttakeplaceamongthecircleofherfriends,Hartfieldmustbecomparativelydeserted;andshelefttocheerherfatherwiththespiritsonlyofruinedhappiness.

ThechildtobebornatRandallsmustbeatiethereevendearerthanherself;andMrs.Weston\'sheartandtimewouldbeoccupiedbyit.Theyshouldloseher;and,probably,ingreatmeasure,herhusbandalso-FrankChurchillwouldreturnamongthemnomore;andMissFairfax,itwasreasonabletosuppose,wouldsoonceasetobelongtoHighbury.Theywouldbemarried,andsettledeitheratornearEnscombe.Allthatweregoodwouldbewithdrawn;andiftotheselosses,thelossofDonwellweretobeadded,whatwouldremainofcheerfulorofrationalsocietywithintheirreach?Mr.Knightleytobenolongercomingthereforhiseveningcomfort!-Nolongerwalkinginatallhours,asifeverwillingtochangehisownhomefortheir\'s!-Howwasittobeendured?AndifheweretobelosttothemforHarriet\'ssake;ifheweretobethoughtofhereafter,asfindinginHarriet\'ssocietyallthathewanted;ifHarrietweretobethechosen,thefirst,thedearest,thefriend,thewifetowhomhelookedforallthebestblessingsofexistence;whatcouldbeincreasingEmma\'swretchednessbutthereflectionneverfardistantfromhermind,thatithadbeenallherownwork?

Whenitcametosuchapitchasthis,shewasnotabletorefrainfromastart,oraheavysigh,orevenfromwalkingaboutthe