第2章

Besides，myfatherhadagreatmanytheories;hepridedhimselfonhisconservativeopinions;hethoughttheusualAmericanlaisser—

allerineducationwasaveryvulgarpractice，andthatchildrenwerenottogrowuplikedustythornsbythewayside。"Soyousee，"

Pickeringwenton，smilingandblushing，andyetwithsomethingoftheironyofvainregret，"Iamaregulargardenplant。Ihavebeenwatchedandwateredandpruned，andifthereisanyvirtueintendingIoughttotaketheprizeataflowershow。Somethreeyearsagomyfather’shealthbrokedown，andhewaskeptverymuchwithindoors。

So，althoughIwasamangrown，Ilivedaltogetherathome。IfIwasoutofhissightforaquarterofanhourhesentsomeoneafterme。

Hehadsevereattacksofneuralgia，andheusedtositathiswindow，baskinginthesun。Hekeptanopera—glassathand，andwhenIwasoutinthegardenheusedtowatchmewithit。AfewdaysbeforehisdeathIwastwenty—sevenyearsold，andthemostinnocentyouth，I

suppose，onthecontinent。AfterhediedImissedhimgreatly，"

Pickeringcontinued，evidentlywithnointentionofmakinganepigram。"Istayedathome，inasortofdullstupor。Itseemedasiflifeoffereditselftomeforthefirsttime，andyetasifI

didn’tknowhowtotakeholdofit。"

Heutteredallthiswithafrankeagernesswhichincreasedashetalked，andtherewasasingularcontrastbetweenthemeagreexperiencehedescribedandacertainradiantintelligencewhichI

seemedtoperceiveinhisglanceandtone。Evidentlyhewasacleverfellow，andhisnaturalfacultieswereexcellent。Iimaginedhehadreadagreatdeal，andrecovered，insomedegree，inrestlessintellectualconjecture，thefreedomhewascondemnedtoignoreinpractice。Opportunitywasnowofferingameaningtotheemptyformswithwhichhisimaginationwasstored，butitappearedtohimdimly，throughtheveilofhispersonaldiffidence。

"Ihavenotsailedroundtheworld，asyousuppose，"Isaid，"butI

confessIenvyyouthenoveltiesyouaregoingtobehold。ComingtoHomburgyouhaveplungedinmediasres。"

Heglancedatmetoseeifmyremarkcontainedanallusion，andhesitatedamoment。"Yes，Iknowit。IcametoBremeninthesteamerwithaveryfriendlyGerman，whoundertooktoinitiatemeintothegloriesandmysteriesoftheFatherland。Atthisseason，hesaid，ImustbeginwithHomburg。Ilandedbutafortnightago，andhereIam。"Againhehesitated，asifheweregoingtoaddsomethingaboutthesceneattheKursaalbutsuddenly，nervously，hetookuptheletterwhichwaslyingbesidehim，lookedhardatthesealwithatroubledfrown，andthenflungitbackonthegrasswithasigh。

"HowlongdoyouexpecttobeinEurope？"Iasked。

"SixmonthsIsupposedwhenIcame。Butnotsolong——now！"Andhelethiseyeswandertotheletteragain。

"Andwhereshallyougo——whatshallyoudo？"

"Everywhere，everything，Ishouldhavesaidyesterday。Butnowitisdifferent。"

Iglancedattheletter——interrogatively，andhegravelypickeditupandputitintohispocket。Wetalkedforawhilelonger，butIsawthathehadsuddenlybecomepreoccupied;thathewasapparentlyweighinganimpulsetobreaksomelastbarrierofreserve。Atlasthesuddenlylaidhishandonmyarm，lookedatmeamomentappealingly，andcried，"Uponmyword，Ishouldliketotellyoueverything！"

"Tellmeeverything，byallmeans，"Ianswered，smiling。"Idesirenothingbetterthantoliehereintheshadeandheareverything。"

"Ah，butthequestionis，willyouunderstandit？Nomatter;youthinkmeaqueerfellowalready。It’snoteasy，either，totellyouwhatIfeel——noteasyforsoqueerafellowasItotellyouinhowmanywaysheisqueer！"Hegotupandwalkedawayamoment，passinghishandoverhiseyes，thencamebackrapidlyandflunghimselfonthegrassagain。"IsaidjustnowIalwayssupposedIwashappy;

it’strue;butnowthatmyeyesareopen，IseeIwasonlystultified。Iwaslikeapoodle—dogthatisledaboutbyablueribbon，andscouredandcombedandfedonslops。Itwasnotlife;

lifeislearningtoknowone’sself，andinthatsenseIhavelivedmoreinthepastsixweeksthaninalltheyearsthatprecededthem。

Iamfilledwiththisfeverishsenseofliberation;itkeepsrisingtomyheadlikethefumesofstrongwine。IfindIamanactive，sentient，intelligentcreature，withdesires，withpassions，withpossibleconvictions——evenwithwhatIneverdreamedof，apossiblewillofmyown！Ifindthereisaworldtoknow，alifetolead，menandwomentoformathousandrelationswith。Itallliestherelikeagreatsurgingsea，wherewemustplungeanddiveandfeelthebreezeandbreastthewaves。Istandshiveringhereonthebrink，staring，longing，wondering，charmedbythesmellofthebrineandyetafraidofthewater。Theworldbeckonsandsmilesandcalls，butanamelessinfluencefromthepast，thatIcanneitherwhollyobeynorwhollyresist，seemstoholdmeback。Iamfullofimpulses，but，somehow，Iamnotfullofstrength。Lifeseemsinspiringatcertainmoments，butitseemsterribleandunsafe;andIaskmyselfwhyIshouldwantonlymeasuremyselfwithmercilessforces，whenI

havelearnedsowellhowtostandasideandletthempass。Whyshouldn’tIturnmybackuponitallandgohometo——whatawaitsme？—

—tothatsightless，soundlesscountrylife，andlongdaysspentamongoldbooks？ButifamanISweak，hedoesn’twanttoassentbeforehandtohisweakness;hewantstotastewhateversweetnesstheremaybeinpayingfortheknowledge。Soitisthatitcomesback——thisirresistibleimpulsetotakemyplunge——toletmyselfswing，togowherelibertyleadsme。"Hepausedamoment，fixingmewithhisexcitedeyes，andperhapsperceivedinmyownanirrepressiblesmileathisperplexity。"’Swingahead，inHeaven’sname，’youwanttosay，’andmuchgoodmayitdoyou。’Idon’tknowwhetheryouarelaughingatmyscruplesoratwhatpossiblystrikesyouasmydepravity。Idoubt，"hewentongravely，"whetherIhaveaninclinationtowardwrong—doing;ifIhave，IamsureIshallnotprosperinit。IhonestlybelieveImaysafelytakeoutalicensetoamusemyself。Butitisn’tthatIthinkof，anymorethanIdreamof，playingwithsuffering。Pleasureandpainareemptywordstome;

whatIlongforisknowledge——someotherknowledgethancomestousinformal，colourless，impersonalprecept。Youwouldunderstandallthisbetterifyoucouldbreatheforanhourthemustyin—dooratmosphereinwhichIhavealwayslived。Tobreakawindowandletinlightandair——IfeelasifatlastImustACT！"

"Act，byallmeans，nowandalways，whenyouhaveachance，"I

answered。"Butdon’ttakethingstoohard，noworever。Yourlongconfinementmakesyouthinktheworldbetterworthknowingthanyouarelikelytofindit。Amanwithasgoodaheadandheartasyourshasaveryampleworldwithinhimself，andIamnobelieverinartforart，norinwhat’scalled’life’forlife’ssake。Nevertheless，takeyourplunge，andcomeandtellmewhetheryouhavefoundthepearlofwisdom。"Hefrownedalittle，asifhethoughtmysympathyatriflemeagre。Ishookhimbythehandandlaughed。"Thepearlofwisdom，"Icried，"islove;honestloveinthemostconvenientconcentrationofexperience！Iadviseyoutofallinlove。"Hegavemenosmileinresponse，butdrewfromhispockettheletterofwhichIhavespoken，helditup，andshookitsolemnly。"Whatisit？"I

asked。

"Itismysentence！"

"Notofdeath，Ihope！"

"Ofmarriage。"

"Withwhom？"

"WithapersonIdon’tlove。"

Thiswasserious。Istoppedsmiling，andbeggedhimtoexplain。

"Itisthesingularpartofmystory，"hesaidatlast。"Itwillremindyouofanold—fashionedromance。SuchasIsithere，talkinginthiswildway，andtossingoffprovocationstodestiny，mydestinyissettledandsealed。Iamengaged，Iamgiveninmarriage。It’sabequestofthepast——thepastIhadnohandin！Themarriagewasarrangedbymyfather，yearsago，whenIwasaboy。Theyounggirl’sfatherwashisparticularfriend;hewasalsoawidower，andwasbringinguphisdaughter，onhisside，inthesamesevereseclusioninwhichIwasspendingmydays。TothisdayIamunacquaintedwiththeoriginofthebondofunionbetweenourrespectiveprogenitors。

Mr。Vernorwaslargelyengagedinbusiness，andIimaginethatonceuponatimehefoundhimselfinafinancialstraitandwashelpedthroughitbymyfather’scomingforwardwithaheavyloan，onwhich，inhissituation，hecouldoffernosecuritybuthisword。Ofthismyfatherwasquitecapable。Hewasamanofdogmas，andhewassuretohavearuleoflife——asclearasifithadbeenwrittenoutinhisbeautifulcopper—platehand——adaptedtotheconductofagentlemantowardafriendinpecuniaryembarrassment。Whatismore，hewassuretoadheretoit。Mr。Vernor，Ibelieve，gotonhisfeet，paidhisdebt，andvowedmyfatheraneternalgratitude。Hislittledaughterwastheappleofhiseye，andhepledgedhimselftobringheruptobethewifeofhisbenefactor’sson。Soourfatewasfixed，parentally，andwehavebeeneducatedforeachother。Ihavenotseenmybetrothedsinceshewasaveryplain—facedlittlegirlinastickypinafore，huggingaone—armeddoll——ofthemalesex，I

believe——asbigasherself。Mr。VernorisinwhatiscalledtheEasterntrade，andhasbeenlivingthesemanyyearsatSmyrna。

Isabelhasgrownupthereinawhite—walledgarden，inanorangegrove，betweenherfatherandhergoverness。Sheisagooddealmyjunior;sixmonthsagoshewasseventeen;whensheiseighteenwearetomarry。"

Herelatedallthiscalmlyenough，withouttheaccentofcomplaint，drilyratheranddoggedly，asifhewerewearyofthinkingofit。

"It’saromance，indeed，forthesedulldays，"Isaid，"andI

heartilycongratulateyou。It’snoteveryyoungmanwhofinds，onreachingthemarryingage，awifekeptinaboxofrose—leavesforhim。AthousandtooneMissVernorischarming;Iwonderyoudon’tpostofftoSmyrna。"

"Youarejoking，"heanswered，withawoundedair，"andIamterriblyserious。Letmetellyoutherest。Ineversuspectedthissuperiorconspiracytillsomethinglessthanayearago。Myfather，wishingtoprovideagainsthisdeath，informedmeofitverysolemnly。Iwasneitherelatednordepressed;Ireceivedit，asIremember，withasortofemotionwhichvariedonlyindegreefromthatwithwhichI

couldhavehailedtheannouncementthathehadorderedmeasetofnewshirts。Isupposedthatwasthewaythatallmarriagesweremade;Ihadheardoftheirbeingmadeinheaven，andwhatwasmyfatherbutadivinity？Novelsandpoems，indeed，talkedaboutfallinginlove;butnovelsandpoemswereonethingandlifewasanother。Ashorttimeafterwardsheintroducedmetoaphotographofmypredestined，whohasapretty，butanextremelyinanimate，face。

Afterthishishealthfailedrapidly。OnenightIwassitting，asI

habituallysatforhours，inhisdimly—lightedroom，nearhisbed，towhichhehadbeenconfinedforaweek。Hehadnotspokenforsometime，andIsupposedhewasasleep;buthappeningtolookathimI

sawhiseyeswideopen，andfixedonmestrangely。Hewassmilingbenignantly，intensely，andinamomenthebeckonedtome。Then，onmygoingtohim——’IfeelthatIshallnotlastlong，’hesaid;’butI

amwillingtodiewhenIthinkhowcomfortablyIhavearrangedyourfuture。’Hewastalkingofdeath，andanythingbutgriefatthatmomentwasdoubtlessimpiousandmonstrous;buttherecameintomyheartforthefirsttimeathrobbingsenseofbeingover—governed。I

saidnothing，andhethoughtmysilencewasallsorrow。’Ishallnotlivetoseeyoumarried，’hewenton，’butsincethefoundationislaid，thatlittlesignifies;itwouldbeaselfishpleasure，andI

haveneverthoughtofmyselfbutinyou。Toforeseeyourfuture，initsmainoutline，toknowtoacertaintythatyouwillbesafelydomiciledhere，withawifeapprovedbymyjudgment，cultivatingthemoralfruitofwhichIhavesowntheseed——thiswillcontentme。

But，myson，Iwishtoclearthisbrightvisionfromtheshadowofadoubt。Ibelieveinyourdocility;IbelieveImaytrustthesalutaryforceofyourrespectformymemory。ButImustrememberthatwhenIamremovedyouwillstandherealone，facetofacewithahundrednamelesstemptationstoperversity。Thefumesofunrighteouspridemayriseintoyourbrainandtemptyou，intheinterestofavulgartheorywhichitwillcallyourindependence，toshattertheedificeIhavesolaboriouslyconstructed。SoImustaskyouforapromise——thesolemnpromiseyouowemycondition。’Andhegraspedmyhand。’YouwillfollowthepathIhavemarked;youwillbefaithfultotheyounggirlwhomaninfluenceasdevotedasthatwhichhasgovernedyourownyounglifehasmouldedintoeverythingamiable;youwillmarryIsabelVernor。’Thiswaspretty’steep，’asweusedtosayatschool。Iwasfrightened;Idrewawaymyhandandaskedtobetrustedwithoutanysuchterriblevow。Myreluctancestartledmyfatherintoasuspicionthatthevulgartheoryofindependencehadalreadybeenwhisperingtome。Hesatupinhisbedandlookedatmewitheyeswhichseemedtoforeseealifetimeofodiousingratitude。

Ifeltthereproach;Ifeelitnow。Ipromised！AndevennowI

don’tregretmypromisenorcomplainofmyfather’stenacity。I

feel，somehow，asiftheseedsofultimatereposehadbeensowninthoseunsuspectingyears——asifaftermanydaysImightgatherthemellowfruit。Butaftermanydays！Iwillkeepmypromise，Iwillobey;butIwanttoLIVEfirst！"

"Mydearfellow，youarelivingnow。Allthispassionateconsciousnessofyoursituationisaveryardentlife。IwishI

couldsayasmuchformyown。"

"Iwanttoforgetmysituation。Iwanttospendthreemonthswithoutthinkingofthepastorthefuture，graspingwhateverthepresentoffersme。YesterdayIthoughtIwasinafairwaytosailwiththetide。Butthismorningcomesthismemento！"Andhehelduphisletteragain。

"Whatisit？"

"AletterfromSmyrna。"

"Iseeyouhavenotyetbrokentheseal。"

"No;nordoImeanto，forthepresent。Itcontainsbadnews。"

"Whatdoyoucallbadnews？"

"NewsthatIamexpectedinSmyrnainthreeweeks。NewsthatMr。

Vernordisapprovesofmyrovingabouttheworld。Newsthathisdaughterisstandingexpectantatthealtar。"

"Isnotthispureconjecture？"

"Conjecture，possibly，butsafeconjecture。AssoonasIlookedatthelettersomethingsmotemeattheheart。Lookatthedeviceontheseal，andIamsureyouwillfindit’sTARRYNOT！"Andheflungtheletteronthegrass。

"Uponmyword，youhadbetteropenit，"Isaid。

"IfIweretoopenitandreadmysummons，doyouknowwhatIshoulddo？IshouldmarchhomeandasktheOberkellnerhowonegetstoSmyrna，packmytrunk，takemyticket，andnotstoptillIarrived。

IknowIshould;itwouldbethefascinationofhabit。Theonlyway，therefore，towandertomyrope’sendistoleavetheletterunread。"

"Inyourplace，"Isaid，"curiositywouldmakemeopenit。"

Heshookhishead。"Ihavenocuriosity！Foralongtimenowtheideaofmymarriagehasceasedtobeanovelty，andIhavecontemplateditmentallyineverypossiblelight。Ifearnothingfromthatside，butIdofearsomethingfromconscience。Iwantmyhandstied。Willyoudomeafavour？Pickuptheletter，putitintoyourpocket，andkeepittillIaskyouforit。WhenIdo，youmayknowthatIamatmyrope’send。"

Itooktheletter，smiling。"Andhowlongisyourropetobe？TheHomburgseasondoesn’tlastforever。"

"Doesitlastamonth？Letthatbemyseason！Amonthhenceyouwillgiveitbacktome。"

"To—morrowifyousayso。Meanwhile，letitrestinpeace！"AndI

consignedittothemostsacredintersticeofmypocket—book。TosaythatIwasdisposedtohumourthepoorfellowwouldseemtobesayingthatIthoughthisrequestfantastic。Itwashissituation，bynofaultofhisown，thatwasfantastic，andhewasonlytryingtobenatural。Hewatchedmeputawaytheletter，andwhenithaddisappearedgaveasoftsighofrelief。Thesighwasnatural，andyetitsetmethinking。Hisgeneralrecoilfromanimmediateresponsibilityimposedbyothersmightbewholesomeenough;butiftherewasanoldgrievanceononeside，wastherenotpossiblyanew—

borndelusionontheother？Itwouldbeunkindtowithholdareflectionthatmightserveasawarning;soItoldhim，abruptly，thatIhadbeenanundiscoveredspectator，thenightbefore，ofhisexploitsatroulette。

Heblusheddeeply，buthemetmyeyeswiththesamecleargood