第11章

Leavingthesofawithasigh。asifhewastiredofit，hebeganwalkingupanddown。Heseemedtobestillingoodspirits。

"Well，mydear，"hesaid，"whatcanIdoforyou？"

"Icamehere，papatoseeiftherewasanythingIcoulddoforYou。"

Helookedatsomesheetsofpaper，strungtogether，andlaidonthetable。Theywerecoveredwithwriting（fromhisdictation）inmysister’shand。"Ioughttogetonwithmywork，"hesaid。

"WhereisHelena？"

Itoldhimthatshehadgoneout，andbeggedleavetotrywhatI

coulddotosupplyherplace。

Therequestseemedtopleasehim；buthewantedtimetothink。I

waited；noticingthathisfacegrewgraduallyworriedandanxious。Therecameavacantlookintohiseyeswhichitgrievedmetosee；heappearedtohavequitelosthimselfagain。"Readthelastpage，"hesaid，pointingtothemanuscriptonthetable；

"Idon’trememberwhereIleftoff。"

Iturnedtothelastpage。AswellasIcouldtell，itrelatedtosomepublication，whichhewasrecommendingtoreligiouspersonsofourwayofthinking。

BeforeIhadreadhalf—waythroughit，hebegantodictate，speakingsorapidlythatmypenwasnotalwaysabletofollowhim。MyhandwritingisasbadasbadcanbewhenIamhurried。Tomakemattersworsestill，Iwasconfused。WhathewasnowsayingseemedtohavenothingtodowithwhatIhadbeenreading。

LetmetryifIcancalltomindthesubstanceofit。

Hebeganinthemoststrangelysuddenwaybyasking："Whyshouldtherebeanyfearofdiscovery，wheneverypossiblecarehadbeentakentopreventit？Thedangerfromunexpectedeventswasfarmoredisquieting。Amanmightfindhimselfboundinhonortodisclosewhatithadbeenthechiefanxietyofhislifetoconceal。Forexample，couldheletaninnocentpersonbethevictimofdeliberatesuppressionofthetruth——nomatterhowjustifiablethatsuppressionmightappeartobe？Ontheotherhand，dreadfulconsequencesmightfollowanhonorableconfession。

Theremightbeacruelsacrificeoftenderaffection；theremightbeashockingbetrayalofinnocenthopeandtrust。"

Irememberthoselastwords，justashedictatedthem，becausehesuddenlystoppedthere；looking，poordear，distressedandconfused。Heputhishandtohishead，andwentbacktothesofa。

"I’mtired，"hesaid。"WaitformewhileIrest。"

Inafewminuteshefellasleep。Itwasadeepreposethatcametohimnow；and，thoughIdon’tthinkitlastedmuchlongerthanhalfanhour，itproducedawonderfulchangeinhimforthebetterwhenhewoke。Hespokequietlyandkindly；andwhenhereturnedtomeatthetableandlookedatthepageonwhichIhadbeenwriting，hesmiled。

"Oh，mydear，whatbadwriting！IdeclareIcan’treadwhatI

myselftoldyoutowrite。No！no！don’tbedownheartedaboutit。

Youarenotusedtowritingfromdictation；andIdaresayIhavebeentooquickforyou。"Hekissedmeandencouragedme。"YouknowhowfondIamofmylittlegirl，"hesaid；"IamafraidI

likemyEunicejusttheleastintheworldmorethanIlikemyHelena。Ah，youarebeginningtolookalittlehappiernow！"

HehadfilledmewithsuchconfidenceandsuchpleasurethatI

couldnothelpthinkingofmysweetheart。Ohdear，whenshallI

learntobedistrustfulofmyownfeelings？ThetemptationtosayagoodwordforPhilipquitemasteredanylittlediscretionthatIpossessed。

Isaidtopapa："IfyouknewhowtomakemehappierthanIhaveeverbeeninallmylifebefore，wouldyoudoit？"

"OfcourseIwould。"

"ThensendforPhilip，dear，andbealittlekindertohim，thistime。"

Hispalefaceturnedredwithanger；hepushedmeawayfromhim。

"Thatmanagain！"heburstout。"AmInevertohearthelastofhim？Goaway，Eunice。Youareofnousehere。"Hetookupmyunfortunatepageofwritingandridiculeditwithabitterlaugh。

"Whatisthisfitfor？"Hecrumpleditupinhishandandtosseditintothefire。

IranoutoftheroominsuchastateofmortificationthatI

hardlyknewwhatIwasabout。Ifsomehard—heartedpersonhadcometomewithacupofpoison，andhadsaid："Eunice，youarenotfittoliveanylonger；takethis，"IdobelieveIshouldhavetakenit。IfIthoughtofanything，IthoughtofgoingbacktoSelina。Myillluckstillpursuedme；shehaddisappeared。I

lookedaboutinahelplessway，completelyatalosswhattodonext——sostupefied，Imayevensay，thatitwassometimebeforeInoticedalittlethree—cornerednoteonthetablebywhichI

wasstanding。Thenotewasaddressedtome：

"EVER—DEARESTEUNEECE——Ihavetriedtomakemyselfusefultoyou，andhavefailed。ButhowcanIseethesadsightofyourwretchedness，andnotfeeltheimpulsetotryagain？IhavegonetothehoteltofindPhilip，andtobringhimbacktoyouapenitentandfaithfulman。Waitforme，andhopeforgreatthings。A。hundredthousandkissestomysweetEuneece。

"S。J。"

Waitforher，afterreadingthatnote！Howcouldsheexpectit？I

hadonlytofollowher，andtofindPhilip。Inanotherminute，I

wasonmywaytothehotel。

CHAPTERXXVIII。

HELENA’SDIARY。

LOOKINGatthelastentryinmyJournal，Iseemyselfanticipatingthattheeventofto—daywilldecidePhilip’sfutureandmine。Thishasprovedprophetic。Allfurtherconcealmentisnowatanend。

Forcedtoitbyfate，orhelpedtoitbychance，Eunicehasmadethediscoveryofherlover’sinfidelity。"Inallhumanprobability"（asmyfathersaysinhissermons），wetwosistersareenemiesforlife。

Iamnotsuspected，asEuniceis，ofmakingappointmentswithasweetheart。SoIamfreetogooutalone，andtogowhereI

please。PhilipandIwerepunctualtoourappointmentthisafternoon。

Ourplaceofmeetingwasinasecludedcornerofthetownpark。

Wefoundarusticseatinourretirement，setup（onewouldsuppose）asaconcessiontothetasteofvisitorswhoarefondofsolitude。Theviewinfrontofuswasboundedbytheparkwallandrailings，andourseatwasprettilyapproachedononesidebyaplantationofyoungtrees。Noentrancegatewasnear；nocarriageroadcrossedthegrass。Amoresafeandmoresolitarynookforconversation，betweentwopersonsdesiringtobealone，itwouldbehardtofindinmostpublicparks。Loversaresaidtoknowitwell，andtobeespeciallyfondofittowardevening。Wewerethereinbroaddaylight，andwehadtheseattoourselves。

Mymemoryofwhatpassedbetweenusis，insomedegree，disturbedbytheformidableinterruptionwhichbroughtourtalktoanend。

Butamongotherthings，IrememberthatIshowedhimnomercyattheoutset。AtonetimeIwasindignant；atanotherIwasscornful。Ideclared，inregardtomyobjectinmeetinghim，thatIhadchangedmymind，Andhaddecidedtoshortenadisagreeableinterviewbywaivingmyrighttoanexplanation，andbiddinghimfarewell。Eunice，asIpointedout，hadthefirstclaimtohim；

Eunicewasmuchmorelikelytosuithim，asacompanionforlife，thanIwas。"Inshort，"Isaid，inconclusion，"myinclinationforoncetakessideswithmyduty，andleavesmysisterinundisturbedpossessionofyoungMr。Dunboyne。"Withthissatiricalexplanation，Irosetosaygood—by。

Ihadmerelyintendedtoirritatehim。HeshowedasuperioritytoangerforwhichIwasnotprepared。

"Besokindastositdownagain，"hesaidquietly。

Hetookmyletterfromhispocket，andpointedtothatpartofitwhichalludedtohisconduct，whenwehadmetinmyfather’sstudy。

"Youhaveofferedmetheopportunityofsayingawordinmyowndefense，"hewenton。"Iprizethatprivilegefartoohighlytoconsenttoyourwithdrawingit，merelybecauseyouhavechangedyourmind。Letmeatleasttellyouwhatmyerrandwas，whenI

calledonyourfather。Lovingyou，andyouonly，Ihadforcedmyselftomakealastefforttobetruetoyoursister。Rememberthat，Helena，andthensay——isitwonderfulifIwasbesidemyself，whenIfoundYouinthestudy？"

"Whenyoutellmeyouwerebesideyourself，"Isaid，"doyoumean，ashamedofyourself？"

Thattouchedhim。"Imeannothingofthekind，"heburstout。

"AfterthehellonearthinwhichIhavebeenlivingbetweenyoutwosisters，amanhasn’tvirtueenoughleftinhimtobeashamed。He’shalfmad——that’swhatheis。Lookatmyposition！I

hadmadeupmymindnevertoseeyouagain；Ihadmadeupmymind（ifImarriedEunice）toridmyselfofmyownmiserablelifewhenIcouldendureitnolonger。Inthatstateoffeeling，whenmysenseofdutydependedonmyspeakingwithMr。Gracedieualone，whosewasthefirstfaceIsawwhenIenteredtheroom？IfIhaddaredtolookatyou，ortospeaktoyou，whatdoyouthinkwouldhavebecomeofmyresolutiontosacrificemyself？"

"Whathasbecomeofitnow？"Iasked。

"TellmefirstifIamforgiven，"hesaid——"andyoushallknow。"

"Doyoudeservetobeforgiven？"

Ithasbeendiscoveredbywiserheadsthanminethatweakpeoplearealwaysinextremes。Sofar，IhadseenPhilipinthevainandviolentextreme。Henowshiftedsuddenlytothesadandsubmissiveextreme。WhenIaskedhimifhedeservedtobeforgiven，hemadethehumblestofallreplies——hesighedandsaidnothing。

"IfIdidmydutytomysister，"Iremindedhim，"Ishouldrefusetoforgiveyou，andsendyoubacktoEunice。"

"Yourfather’slanguageandyourfather’sconduct，"heanswered，"havereleasedmefromthatentanglement。IcannevergobacktoEunice。Ifyourefusetoforgiveme，neitheryounorshewillseeanythingmoreofPhilipDunboyne；Ipromiseyouthat。Areyousatisfiednow？"

Afterholdingoutagainsthimresolutely，Ifeltmyselfbeginningtoyield。Whenamanhasoncetakentheirfancy，whathelplesslyweakcreatureswomenare！Isawthroughhisvacillatingweakness——andyetItrustedhim，withbotheyesopen。Mylooking—glassisoppositetomewhileIwrite。ItshowsmeacontemptibleHelena。Ilied，andsaidIwassatisfied——toplease_him。_

"AmIforgiven？"heasked。

Itisabsurdtoputitonrecord。Ofcourse，Iforgavehim。WhatagoodChristianIam，afterall！

Hetookmywillinghand。"Mylovelydarling，"hesaid，"ourmarriagerestswithyou。Whetheryourfatherapprovesofitornot，saytheword；claimme，andIamyoursforlife。"

Imusthavebeeninfatuatedbyhisvoiceandhislook；myheartmusthavebeenburningunderthepressureofhishandonmine。

Wasitmymodestyormyself—controlthatdesertedme？Ilethimtakemeinhisarms。Again，andagain，andagainIkissedhim。Weweredeaftowhatweoughttohaveheard；wewereblindtowhatweoughttohaveseen。Beforewewereconsciousofamovementamongthetrees，wewerediscovered。Mysisterflewatmelikeawildanimal。Herfurioushandsfastenedthemselvesonmythroat。

Philipstartedtohisfeet。Whenhetouchedher，intheactofforcingherbackfromme，Eunice’sragingstrengthbecameutterweaknessinaninstant。Herarmsfellhelplessathersides——herheaddrooped——shelookedathiminsilencewhichwasdreadful，atsuchamomentasthat。Heshrankfromtheunendurablereproachinthosetearlesseyes。Meanly，heturnedawayfromher。Meanly，I

followedhim。Lookingbackforaninstant，Isawherstepforward；perhapstostophim，perhapstospeaktohim。Theeffortwastoomuchforherstrength；shestaggeredbackagainstthetrunkofatree。Likestrangers，walkingseparateonefromtheother，welefthertohercompanion——thehideoustraitresswhowasmyenemyandherfriend。

CHAPTERXXIX。

HELENA’SDIARY。

ONreachingthestreetwhichledtoPhilip’shotel，wespoketoeachotherforthefirsttime。

"Whatarewetodo？"Isaid。

"Leavethisplace，"heanswered。

"Together？"Iasked。

"Yes。"

Toleaveus（forawhile），afterwhathadhappened，mightbethewisestthingwhichaman，inPhilip’scriticalposition，coulddo。ButifIwentwithhim——unprovidedasIwaswithanyfriendofmyownsex，whosecharacterandpresencemightsanctionthestepIhadtaken——Ishouldbelostbeyondredemption。Isanymanthateverlivedworththatsacrifice？Ithoughtofmyfather’shouseclosedtome，andofourfriendsashamedofme。Ihaveowned，insomeearlierpartofmyJournal，thatIamnotverypatientunderdomesticcares。ButthepossibilityofEunicebeingappointedhousekeeper，withmypower，inmyplace，wasmorethanIcouldcalmlycontemplate。"No，"IsaidtoPhilip。"Yourabsence，atsuchatimeasthis，mayhelpusboth；but，comewhatmayofit，Imustremainathome。"

Heyielded，withoutanattempttomakemealtermymind。Therewasasullensubmissioninhismannerwhichitwasnotpleasanttosee。Washedespairingalreadyofhimselfandofme？HadEunicearousedthewatchfuldemonsofshameandremorse？

"Perhapsyouareright，"hesaid，gloomily。"Good—by。"

Myanxietyputtheall—importantquestiontohimwithouthesitation。

"Isitgood—byforever，Philip？"

Hisreplyinstantlyrelievedme："Godforbid！"

ButIwantedmore："Youstillloveme？"Ipersisted。

"Moredearlythanever！"

"Andyetyouleaveme！"

Heturnedpale。"IleaveyoubecauseIamafraid。"

"Afraidofwhat？"

"AfraidtofaceEuniceagain。"

TheonlypossiblewayoutofourdifficultythatIcouldsee，nowoccurredtome。"Supposemysistercanbeprevailedontogiveyouup？"Isuggested。"Wouldyoucomebacktousinthatcase？"

"Certainly！"

"Andyouwouldaskmyfathertoconsenttoourmarriage？"

"Onthedayofmyreturn，ifyoulike。"

"Supposeobstaclesgetinourway，"Isaid——"supposetimepassesandtriesyourpatience——willyoustillconsideryourselfengagedtome？"

"Engagedtoyou，"heanswered，"inspiteofobstaclesandinspiteoftime。"

"Andwhileyouareawayfromme，"Iventuredtoadd，"weshallwritetoeachother？"

"GowhereImay，"hesaid，"youshallalwayshearfromme。"

Icouldasknomore，andhecouldconcedenomore。TheimpressionevidentlyleftonhimbyEunice’sterribleoutbreak，wasfarmoreseriousthanIhadanticipated。Iwasmyselfdepressedandillatease。Noexpressionsoftendernesswereexchangedbetweenus。

Therewassomethinghorribleinourbarrenfarewell。Wemerelyclaspedhands，atparting。Hewenthisway——andIwentmine。

Therearesomeoccasionswhenwomensetanexampleofcouragetomen。Iwasreadytoendurewhatevermighthappentome，whenI

gothome。Whatadesperatewretch！somepeoplemightsay，iftheycouldlookintothisdiary！

Mariaopenedthedoor；shetoldmethatmysisterhadalreadyreturned，accompaniedbyMissJillgall。Therehadbeenapparentlysomedifferenceofopinionbetweenthem，beforetheyenteredthehouse。Eunicehadattemptedtogoontosomeotherplace；andMissJillgallhadremonstrated。Mariahadheardhersay："No，youwoulddegradeyourself"——and，withthat，shehadledEuniceindoors。Iunderstood，ofcourse，thatmysisterhadbeenpreventedfromfollowingPhiliptothehotel。Therewasprobablyaseriousquarrelinstoreforme。Iwentstraighttothebedroom，expectingtofindEunicethere，andpreparedtobravethestormthatmightburstonme。TherewasawomanatEunice’sendoftheroom，removingdressesfromthewardrobe。Icouldonlyseeherback，butitwasimpossibletomistake_that_

figure——MissJillgall。

ShelaidthedressesonEunice’sbed，withouttakingtheslightestnoticeofme。InsignificantsilenceIpointedtothedoor。Shewentonascoollywithheroccupationasiftheroomhadbeen，notminebuthers；Isteppeduptoher，andspokeplainly。

"Youobligemetoremindyou，"Isaid，"thatyouarenotinyourownroom。"There，Iwaitedalittle，andfoundthatIhadproducednoeffect。"Witheverydisposition，"Iresumed，"tomakeallowanceforthedisagreeablepeculiaritiesofyourcharacter，I

cannotconsenttooverlookanactofintrusion，committedbyaSpy。Now，doyouunderstandme？"

Shelookedroundher。"Iseenothirdpersonhere，"shesaid。

"MayIaskifyoumeanme？"

"Imeanyou。"

"Willyoubesogood，MissHelena，astoexplainyourself？"

Moderationoflanguagewouldhavebeenthrownawayonthiswoman。

"Youfollowedmetothepark，"Isaid。"ItwasyouwhofoundmewithMr。Dunboyne，andbetrayedmetomysister。YouareaSpy，andyouknowit。Atthisverymomentyoudaren’tlookmeintheface。"

Herinsolenceforceditswayoutofheratlast。Letmerecordit——andrepayit，whenthetimecomes。

"Quitetrue，"shereplied。"IfIventuredtolookyouintheface，IamafraidImightforgetmyself。Ihavealwaysbeenbroughtuplikealady，andIwishtoshowiteveninthecompanyofsuchawretchasyouare。Thereisnotonewordoftruthinwhatyouhavesaidofme。IwenttothehoteltofindMr。

Dunboyne。Ah，youmaysneer！Ihaven’tgotyourgoodlooks——andavileuseyouhavemadeofthem。MyobjectwastorecallthatbaseyoungmantohisdutytomydearcharminginjuredEuneece。ThehotelservanttoldmethatMr。Dunboynehadgoneout。Oh，Ihadthemeansofpersuasioninmypocket！Themandirectedmetothepark，ashehadalreadydirectedMr。Dunboyne。ItwasonlywhenI

hadfoundtheplace，thatIheardsomeonebehindme。PoorinnocentEuneecehadfollowedmetothehotel，andhadgotherdirections，asIhadgotmine。GodknowshowhardItriedtopersuadehertogoback，andhowhorriblyfrightenedIwas——No！I

won’tdistressmyselfbysayingawordmore。Itwouldbetoohumiliatingtolet_you_seeanhonestwomanintears。Yoursisterhasaspiritofherown，thankGod！Shewon’tinhabitthesameroomwithyou；sheneverdesirestoseeyourfalsefaceagain。Itakethepoorsoul’sdressesandthingsaway——andasareligiouspersonIwait，confidentlywait，forthejudgmentthatwillfallonyou！"

Shecaughtupthedressesalltogether；someofthemwereinherarms，someofthemfellonhershoulders，andoneofthemtoweredoverherhead。Smotheredingowns，shebouncedoutoftheroomlikeawalkingmilliner’sshop。Ihavetothankthewretchedoldcreatureforamomentofgenuineamusement，atatimeofdevouringanxiety。Themeanestinsect，theysay，hasitsuseinthisworld——andwhynotMissJillgall？

Inhalfanhourmore，anunexpectedeventraisedmyspirits。I

heardfromPhilip。

Onhisreturntothehotelhehadfoundatelegramwaitingforhim。Mr。DunboynetheelderhadarrivedinLondon；andPhiliphadarrangedtojoinhisfatherbythenexttrain。Hesentmetheaddress，andbeggedthatIwouldwriteandtellhimmynewsfromhomebythenextday’spost。

Welcome，thricewelcome，toMr。Dunboynetheelder！IfPhilipcanmanage，undermyadvice，toplacemefavorablyintheestimationofthisricholdman，hispresenceandauthoritymaydoforuswhatwecannotdoforourselves。Hereissurelyaninfluencetowhichmyfathermustsubmit，nomatterhowunreasonableorhowangryhemaybewhenhehearswhathashappened。Ibeginalreadytofeelhopefulofthefuture。

CHAPTERXXX。

EUNICE’SDIARY。

THROUGHtheday，andthroughthenight，Ifeelamiserythatneverleavesme——Imeanthemiseryoffear。

Iamtryingtofindoutsomeharmlessmeansofemployingmyself，whichwillkeepevilremembrancesfromme。IfIdon’tsucceed，myfeartellsmewhatwillhappen。Ishallbeindangerofgoingmad。

Idarenotconfideinanylivingcreature。Idon’tknowwhatotherpersonsmightthinkofme，orhowsoonImightfindmyselfperhapsinanasylum。Inthishelplesscondition，doubtandfrightseemtobedrivingmebacktomyJournal。IwonderwhetherIshallfindharmlessemploymenthere。

Ihaveheardofoldpeoplelosingtheirmemories。WhatwouldI

notgivetobeold！Iremember！oh，howIremember！OnedayafteranotherIseePhilip，IseeHelena，asIfirstsawthemwhenI

wasamongthetreesinthepark。Mysweetheart’sarms，thatonceheldme，holdmysisternow。Shekisseshim，kisseshim，kisseshim。

Istherenowayofmakingmyselfseesomethingelse？Iwanttogetbacktoremembrancesthatdon’tburninmyheadandtearatmyheart。Howisittobedone？

Ihavetriedbooks——no！Ihavetriedgoingouttolookattheshops——no！Ihavetriedsayingmyprayers——no！AndnowIammakingmylasteffort；tryingmypen。Myblacklettersfallfromit，andtaketheirplacesonthewhitepaper。Willmyblacklettershelpme？WherecanIfindsomethingconsolingtowritedown？Where？Where？

Selina——poorSelina，sofondofme，sosorryforme。WhenIwashappy，shewashappy，too。Itwasalwaysamusingtohearhertalk。Oh，mymemory，begoodtome！SavemefromPhilipandHelena。IwanttorememberthepleasantdayswhenmykindlittlefriendandIusedtogossipinthegarden。

No：thedaysinthegardenwon’tcomeback。WhatelsecanIthinkof？

TherecollectionsthatItrytoencouragekeepawayfromme。TheotherrecollectionsthatIdread，comecrowdingback。StillPhilip！StillHelena！

ButSelinamixesherselfupwiththem。LetmetryagainifIcanthinkofSelina。

Howdelightfullygoodtomeandpatientwithmeshewas，onourdismalwayhomefromthepark！Andhowaffectionatelysheexcusedherselffornothavingwarnedmeofit，whenshefirstsuspectedthatmyownsisterandmyworstenemywereoneandthesame！

"IknowIwaswrong，mydear，toletmyloveandpityclosemylips。Butrememberhowhappyyouwereatthetime。ThethoughtofmakingyoumiserablewasmorethanIcouldendure——Iamsofondofyou！Yes；Ibegantosuspectthem，onthedaywhentheyfirstmetatthestation。And，Iamafraid，IthoughtitjustlikelythatyoumightbeascunningasIwas，andhavenoticedthem，too。"

Oh，howignorantshemusthavebeenofmytruethoughtsandfeelings！Howstrangelypeopleseemtomisunderstandtheirdearestfriends！knowing，asIdid，thatIcouldneverloveanymanbutPhilip，couldIbewickedenoughtosupposethatPhilipwouldloveanywomanbutme？

IexplainedtoSelinahowhehadspokentome，whenwewerewalkingtogetheronthebankoftheriver。ShallIeverforgetthoseexquisitewords？"IwishIwasabetterman，Eunice；IwishIwasgoodenoughtobeworthyofyou。"IaskedSelinaifshethoughthewasdeceivingmewhenhesaidthat。Shecomfortedmebyowningthathemusthavebeeninearnest，atthetime——andthenshedistressedmebygivingthereasonwhy。

"Mylove，youmusthaveinnocentlysaidsomethingtohim，whenyouandhewerealone，whichtouchedhisconscience（whenhe_had_aconscience），andmadehimashamedofhimself。Ah，youweretoofondofhimtoseehowhechangedfortheworse，whenyourvilesisterjoinedyou，andtookpossessionofhimagain。Itmademyheartachetoseeyousounsuspiciousofthem。Youaskedme，mypoordear，iftheyhadquarreled——youbelievedtheyweretiredofwalkingbytheriver，whenitwasyoutheyweretiredof——andyouwonderedwhyHelenatookhimtoseetheschool。Mychild！shewastheleadingspiritattheschool，andyouwerenobody。Hervanitysawthechanceofmakinghimcompareyouatadisadvantagewithyourcleversister。Ideclare，Euneece，IlosemyheadifIonlythinkofit！Allthestrongpointsinmycharacterseemtoslipawayfromme。Wouldyoubelieveit？——I

haveneglectedthatsweetinfantatthecottage；IhaveevenletMrs。Mollyhaveherbabybackagain。IfIhadthemakingofthelaws，PhilipDunboyneandHelenaGracedieushouldbehangedtogetheronthesamegallows。IseeIshockyou。Don’tletustalkofit！Oh，don’tletustalkofit！"

AndhereamIwritingofit！WhatIhaddeterminednottodo，iswhatIhavedone。AmIlosingmysensesalready？TheverynamesthatIwasmostanxioustokeepoutofmymemorystaremeinthefaceinthelinesthatIhavejustwritten。Philipagain！Helenaagain！