第8章

HowdifficultitwastothinkofaGashwilercreepinginandoutofthoseenfilingcolumns，orcrawlingbeneaththatportico，withoutwonderingthatyonmajesticfigurecamenotdownwithflatofswordtosmitethefatrotundityoftheintruder。HowdifficulttothinkthatparricidalhandshaveeverbeenliftedagainsttheGreatMother，typifiedhereinthegracefulwhitechastityofhergarments，inthenobletranquillityofherface，inthegatheringupherwhite-robedchildrenwithinhershadow。

ThisledmetothinkofDobbs，when，suddenlyafaceflashedbymycarriagewindow。Icalledtothedrivertostop，and，lookingagain，sawthatitwasawomanstandingbewilderedandirresoluteonthestreetcorner。AssheturnedheranxiousfacetowardmeI

sawthatitwasMrs。Dobbs。

Whatwasshedoinghere，andwherewasExpectant？

Shebegananincoherentapology，andthenburstintoexplanatorytears。WhenIhadgotherinthecarriageshesaid，betweenhersobs，thatExpectanthadnotreturned；thatshehadreceivedaletterfromafriendheresayinghewassick，——ohvery，verysick，——

andfathercouldnotcomewithher，soshecamealone。Shewassofrightened，solonely，somiserable。

Hadshehisaddress？

Yes，justhere！ItwasontheoutskirtsofWashington，nearGeorgetown。ThenIwouldtakeherthere，ifIcould，forsheknewnobody。

OnourwayItriedtocheerherupbypointingoutsomeofthechildrenoftheGreatMotherbeforealludedto，butsheonlyshuthereyesaswerolleddownthelongavenues，andmurmured，"Oh，thesecruel，crueldistances！"

Atlastwereachedthelocality，anegroquarter，yetcleanandneatinappearance。Isawthepoorgirlshudderslightlyaswestoppedatthedoorofalow，two-storyframehouse，fromwhichtheunwontedspectacleofacarriagebroughtacrowdofhalf-nakedchildrenandacomely，cleanly，kind-facedmulattowoman。

Yes，thiswasthehouse。Hewasupstairs，ratherpoorly，butasleep，shethought。

Wewentupstairs。Inthefirstchamber，clean，thoughpoorlyfurnished，layDobbs。Onapinetablenearhisbedwerelettersandmemorialstothevariousdepartments，andonthebed-quilt，unfinished，butjustasthewearyfingershadrelaxedtheirgraspuponit，layalettertotheTapeDepartment。

Asweenteredtheroomheliftedhimselfonhiselbow。"Fanny！"hesaid，quickly，andashadeofdisappointmentcrossedhisface。"I

thoughtitwasamessagefromthesecretary，"headded，apologetically。

Thepoorwomanhadsufferedtoomuchalreadytoshrinkfromthislastcrushingblow。Butshewalkedquietlytohissidewithoutawordorcry，knelt，placedherlovingarmsaroundhim，andIleftthemsotogether。

WhenIcalledagainintheeveninghewasbetter；somuchbetterthat，againstthedoctor’sorders，hehadtalkedtoherquitecheerfullyandhopefullyforanhour，untilsuddenlyraisingherbowedheadinhistwohands，hesaid，"Doyouknow，dear，thatinlookingforhelpandinfluencetherewasone，dear，Ihadforgotten；onewhoisverypotentwithkingsandcouncilors，andI

think，love，IshallaskHimtointerestHimselfinmybehalf。Itisnottoolateyet，darling，andIshallseekHimto-morrow。"

AndbeforethemorrowcamehehadsoughtandfoundHim，andIdoubtnotgotagoodplace。

ASLEEPING-CAREXPERIENCE

ItwasinaPullmansleeping-caronaWesternroad。Afterthatfirstplungeintounconsciousnesswhichthewearytravelertakesongettingintohisberth，IawakenedtothedreadfulrevelationthatIhadbeenasleeponlytwohours。Thegreaterpartofalongwinternightwasbeforemetofacewithstaringeyes。

Findingitimpossibletosleep，Ilaytherewonderinganumberofthings：why，forinstance，thePullmansleeping-carblanketswereunlikeotherblankets；whytheywerelikesquarescutoutofcoldbuckwheatcakes，andwhytheyclungtoyouwhenyouturnedover，andlayheavyonyouwithoutwarmth；whythecurtainsbeforeyoucouldnothavebeenmadeopaque，withoutbeingsothickandsuffocating；whyitwouldnotbeaswelltositupallnighthalfasleepinanordinarypassenger-carastolieawakeallnightinaPullman。Butthesnoringofmyfellow-passengersansweredthisquestioninthenegative。

Withtherecollectionoflastnight’sdinnerweighingonmeasheavilyandcoldlyastheblankets，Ibeganwonderingwhy，overthewholeextentofthecontinent，therewasnolocaldish；whythebilloffareatrestaurantandhotelwasinvariablyonlyaweakreflexofthemetropolitanhostelries；whytheentreeswerealwaysthesame，onlymoreorlessbadlycooked；whythetravelingAmericanalwayswassupposedtodemandturkeyandcoldcranberrysauce；whytheprettywaiter-girlapparentlyshuffledyourplatesbehindyourback，andthendealtthemoveryourshoulderinasemicircle，asiftheywereahandatcards，andnotalwaysagoodone？Why，havingdonethis，sheinstantlyretiredtothenearestwall，andgazedatyouscornfully，asonewhowouldsay，"Fairsir，thoughlowly，Iamproud；ifthoudostimaginethatIwouldpermitunduefamiliarityofspeech，beware！"AndthenIbegantothinkofanddreadthecomingbreakfast；towonderwhythehamwasalwayscuthalfaninchthick，andwhythefriedeggalwaysresembledaglasseyethatvisiblywinkedatyouwithdiabolicaldyspepticsuggestions；towonderifthebuckwheatcakes，theeatingofwhichrequiresacertaindegreeofartisticpreparationanddeliberation，wouldbebroughtinasusualoneminutebeforethetrainstarted。

AndthenIhadavividrecollectionofafellow-passengerwho，atacertainbreakfaststationinIllinois，franticallyenwrappedhisportionofthisnationalpastryinhisredbandanahandkerchief，tookitintothesmoking-car，andquietlydevoureditenroute。

Lyingbroadawake，IcouldnothelpmakingsomeobservationswhichIthinkarenotnoticedbythedaytraveler。First，thatthespeedofatrainisnotequalorcontinuous。Thatatcertaintimestheengineapparentlystartsup，andsaystothebaggagetrainbehindit，"Come，come，thiswon’tdo！Why，it’snearlyhalf-pasttwo；

howinh-llshallwegetthrough？Don’tyoutalktoME。Pooh，pooh！"deliveredinthatrhythmicalfashionwhichallmeditationassumesonarailwaytrain。Exempligratia：Onenight，havingraisedmywindow-curtaintolookoveramoonlitsnowylandscape，asIpulleditdownthelinesofapopularcomicsongflashedacrossme。Fatalerror！Thetraininstantlytookitup，andduringtherestofthenightIwashauntedbythisawfulrefrain："Pulldownthebel-lind，pulldownthebel-lind；simebody’sklinkklink，O

don’tbeshoo-shoo！"Naturallythisdiffersonthedifferentrailways。OntheNewYorkCentral，wheretheroad-bedisquiteperfectandthesteelrailscontinuous，Ihaveheardthisirreverenttraingivethewordsofacertainpopularrevivalhymnafterthisfashion："Holdthefort，forIamSankey；Moodyslingersstill。Wavetheswishswashbackfromklinky，klinkyklankykill。"

OntheNewYorkandNewHaven，wheretherearemanyswitches，andtheenginewhistlesateverycrossroad，Ihaveoftenheard，"Tommymakeroomforyourwhooopy！that’salittleclang；bumpity，bumpity，boopy，clikitty，clikitty，clang。"Poetry，Ifear，faredlittlebetter。Onestarlitnight，comingfromQuebec，asweslippedbyavirginforest，theopeninglinesofEvangelineflasheduponme。ButallIcouldmakeofthemwasthis："Thisistheforestprimeval-eval；thegrovesofthepinesandthehemlocks-

locks-locks-locks-loooock！"Thetrainwasonly"slowing"or"braking"upatastation。Hencethejarinthemetre。

IhadnoticedapeculiarAeolianharp-likecrythatranthroughthewholetrainaswesettledtorestatlastafteralongrun——analmostsighofinfiniterelief，amusicalsighthatbeganinCandrangraduallyuptoFnatural，whichIthinkmostobservanttravelershavenoticeddayandnight。Norailwayofficialhasevergivenmeasatisfactoryexplanationofit。Asthecar，inarapidrun，isalwaysslightlyprojectedforwardofitstrucks，apracticalfriendoncesuggestedtomethatitwasthegradualsettlingbackofthecarbodytoastateofinertia，which，ofcourse，everypoeticaltravelerwouldreject。Fouro’clockthesoundofboot-blackingbytheporterfaintlyapparentfromthetoilet-room。Whynottalktohim？But，fortunately，Irememberedthatanyattemptatextendedconversationwithconductororporterwasalwaysresentedbythemasimplieddisloyaltytothecompanytheyrepresented。IrecalledthatonceIhadendeavoredtoimpressuponaconductortheabsolutefollyofamidnightinspectionoftickets，andhadbeentreatedbyhimasanescapedlunatic。No，therewasnorelieffromthissuffocatingandinsupportablelonelinesstobegainedthen。Iraisedthewindow-blindandlookedout。Wewerepassingafarm-house。Alight，evidentlythelanternofafarm-hand，wasswungbesideabarn。Yes，thefaintesttingeofroseinthefarhorizon。Morning，surely，atlast。

Wehadstoppedatastation。Twomenhadgotintothecar，andhadtakenseatsintheonevacantsection，yawningoccasionallyandconversinginalanguid，perfunctorysortofway。Theysatoppositeeachother，occasionallylookingoutofthewindow，butalwaysgivingthestrongimpressionthattheyweretiredofeachother’scompany。AsIlookedoutofmycurtainsatthem，theOneMansaid，withafeeblyconcealedyawn：——

"Yes，well，IreckonhewasatonetimeaspoplaranondertakerezIknew。"

TheOtherMan（inventingaquestionratherthangivingananswer，outofsomelanguid，socialimpulse）："Butwashe——thisyerondertaker——aChristian——hedhejinedthechurch？"

TheOneMan（reflectively）："Well，Idon’tknowezyoumightcallhimapurfessin’Christian；buthehed——yes，hehedconviction。I

thinkDr。Wyliehedhimunderconviction。EtleastthatwasthewayIgotitfromHIM。"

Along，drearypause。TheOtherMan（feelingitwasincumbentuponhimtosaysomething）："Butwhywashepoplarezanondertaker？"

TheOneMan（lazily）："Well，hewaskinderpoplarwithwiddersandwidderers——sortersoothen’emakinder，keerlessway；slung’emsuthin’hereandthere，sometimesoutertheBook，sometimesouterhisself，ezamanofexperienceashedhedsorror。Hed，theysay（VERYCAUTIOUSLY），lostthreewiveshisself，andfivechildrenbythisyernewdisease——dipthery——outinWisconsin。Idon’tknowthefacts，butthat’swhat’sgotround。"

TheOtherMan："Buthowdidhelosehispoplarity？"

TheOneMan："Well，that’sthequestion。Youseeheinterducedsomethingsintoondertakingthatwaznew。Hehed，forinstance，away，ashecalledit，ofmanniperlatingthefeaturesofthedeceased。"

TheOtherMan（quietly）："Howmanniperlating？"

TheOneMan（struckwithabrightandaggressivethought）："Lookyer，didyeevernotisshow，generallyspeakin’，onhandsomeacorpseis？"

TheOtherManhadnoticedthisfact。

TheOneMan（returningtohisfact）："WhytherewasMaryPeebles，ezwasdaughterofmywife’sbosomfriend——amightypootygirlandaprofessingChristian——diedofscarletfever。Well，thatgal——I

wasoneofthemourners，beingmywife’sfriend——well，thatgal，thoughIhedn’t，perhaps，oughtersay——lyinginthatcasket，fetchedallthewayfromsomeA1establishmentinChicago，filledwithflowersandfurbelows——didn’treallyseemtobeofmuchaccount。Well，althoughmywife’sfriend，andmeamourner——well，now，Iwas——disappointedanddiscouraged。"

TheOtherMan（inpalpablyaffectedsympathy）："Sho！now！"

"Yes，SIR！Well，yousee，thisyerondertaker，thisWilkins，hedawayofcorrectin’allthet。Andjustbymanniperlation。Heworkedoverthefaceofthedeceasedontilheperducedwhatthesurvivin’

relativescalledalookofresignation，——youknow，asortofsmile，like。Whenhewantedtoputinanyextrys，heperducedwhathecalled——hevin’reglarchargesforthiskindofwork——aChristian’shope。"

TheOtherMan："Iwanttoknow。"

"Yes。Well，Iadmit，attimesitwasalittlestartlin’。AndI’veallerssaid（alittleconfidentially）thatIhadmydoubtsofitsbeingScriptoorl，orsacred，webeing，ezyouknow，wormsoftheyearth；andIrelievedmymindtoourpastor，buthedidn’tfeellikeinterferin’，ezlongezitwasconfinedtochurchmembership。

Buttheotherday，whenCyDunhamdied——youdisrememberCyDunham？"

Alongintervalofsilence。TheOtherManwaslookingoutofthewindow，andhadapparentlyforgottenhiscompanioncompletely。ButasIstretchedmyheadoutofthecurtainIsawfourotherheadsaseagerlyreachedoutfromotherberthstoheartheconclusionofthestory。Onehead，afemaleone，instantlydisappearedonmylookingaround，butacertaintremulousnessofherwindow-curtainshowedanunabatedinterest。TheonlytwoutterlydisinterestedmenweretheOneManandtheOtherMan。

TheOtherMan（detachinghimselflanguidlyfromthewindow）："CyDunham？"

"Yes；Cyneverhedhedeitherconvictionsorpurfessions。Ustergetdrunkandgoroundwithpermiscouswomen。Sorterliketheprodigalson，onlyalittlemoreso，ezfurezIkinjudgefromthefacksezstatedtome。Well，CyonedaypeteredoutdownatLittleRock，andwassentupyerforinterment。Thefammerly，beingproud-like，ofcoursedidn’tsparenomoneyonthatfuneral，anditwaz——nowbetweenyouandme——aboutezshapelyandfirst-classandprime-messaffairezIeversaw。Wilkinshedputinhisextrys。

Hehedputontothatprodigal’sfacetheA1touch，——hedhimfixedupwitha’Christian’shope。’Well，itwasabouttheturning-

point，fortharwazsomeofthemembersandthepastorhisselfthoughtthatthelineoughtertobedrawnsomewhere，andtharwassometalkatDeaconTibbet’saboutareg’larconferencemeetin’

regardin’it。Butitwasn’tthetwhichmadehimonpoplar。"

Anothersilence；noexpressionnorreflectionfromthefaceoftheOtherManoftheleastdesiretoknowwhatultimatelysettledtheunpopularityoftheundertaker。Butfromthecurtainsofthevariousberthsseveraleagerandoneortwoevenwrathfulfaces，anxiousfortheresult。

TheOtherMan（lazilyrecurringtothefadingtopic）："Well，whatmadehimonpoplar？"

TheOneMan（quietly）："Extrys，Ithink——thatis，Isuppose，notknowin’"（cautiously）"allthefacts。WhenMrs。Widdecombelostherhusband，’bouttwomonthsago，thoughshe’dbeenthroughthevalleyoftheshadderofdeathtwice——thisbein’herthirdmarriage，hevin’beenJohnBarker’swidder——"

TheOtherMan（withanintenseexpressionofinterest）："No，you’refoolin’me！"

TheOneMan（solemnly）："EfIwastoappearbeforemyMakerto-

morrow，yes！shewasthewidderofBarker。"

TheOtherMan："Well，Iswow。"

TheOneMan："Well，thisWidderWiddecombe，sheputupabigfuneralforthedeceased。ShehedWilkins，andthetondertakerjustlaidhisselfout。Justspreadhisself。Onfort’natly，——

perhapsfort’natlyinthewaysofProvidence，——oneofWiddecombe’soldfriends，adoctoruptharinChicago，comesdowntothefuneral。Hegoesupwiththefriendstolookatthedeceased，smilin’apeacefulsorto’heavinlysmile，andeverybodysayin’

he’sgonetomeethisreward，andthisyerfriendturnsround，shortandsuddenonthewiddersettin’inherpew，andkinderenjoyin，aswimenwill，allthecomplimentspaidthecorpse，andhesays，sayshe：——

"’Whatdidyousayyourhusbanddiedof，marm？’

"’Consumption，’shesays，wipinghereyes，poorcritter。

’Consumption——gallopin’consumption。’

"’Consumptionbed——d，’sezhe，bein’aprofanekindofChicagodoctor，andnotbein’everunderconviction。’Thetmandiedofstrychnine。Lookatthetface。Lookatthetcontortionofthemfashalmuscles。Thet’sstrychnine。Thet’srisersSardonikus’

（thet’swhathesaid；hewasalwayssorterprofane）。

"’Why，doctor，’saysthewidder，’thet——thetishislastsmile。

It’saChristian’sresignation。’

"’Thetbeblowed；don’ttellme，’sezhe。’Hellisfullofthetkindofresignation。It’spizon。AndI’ll——’Why，dernmyskin，yesweare；yes，it’sJoliet。Wall，now，who’dheythoughtwe’dbeennighontoanhour。"

Twoorthreeanxiouspassengersfromtheirberths："Say；lookyer，stranger！Oldman！Whatbecameof——"

ButtheOneManandtheOtherManhadvanished。

MORNINGONTHEAVENUE

NOTESBYANEARLYRISER。

Ihavealwaysbeenanearlyriser。Thepopularlegendthat"Earlytobedandearlytorise，"invariablyandrhythmicallyresultedinhealthfulness，opulence，andwisdom，Ibegheretosolemnlyprotestagainst。Asan"unhealthy"man，asan"unwealthy"man，anddoubtlessbyvirtueofthisprotestan"unwise"man，Iam，Ithink，aglaringexampleoftheuntruthoftheproposition。

Forinstance，itismymisfortune，asanearlyriser，toliveuponacertainfashionableavenue，wherethepracticeofearlyrisingisconfinedexclusivelytodomestics。Consequently，whenIissueforthonthisbroad，beautifulthoroughfareatsixA。M。，IcannothelpthinkingthatIam，toacertainextent，desecratingitstraditionalcustoms。

IhavemorethanoncedetectedthemilkmanwinkingatthemaidwithadiabolicalsuggestionthatIwasreturningfromacarouse，andRoundsman9999hasonceortwicefollowedmeablockortwowiththeevidentimpressionthatIwasaburglarreturningfromasuccessfuleveningout。Nevertheless，thesevariousindiscretionshavebroughtmeintocontactwithakindofcharacterandphenomenawhoseexistenceImightotherwisehavedoubted。

First，letmespeakofalargeclassofworking-peoplewhosepresenceis，Ithink，unknowntomanyofthosegentlemenwhoareinthehabitoflegislatingorwritingaboutthem。AmajorityoftheseearlyrisersintheneighborhoodofwhichImaycallmy"beat"carrywiththemunmistakableevidencesoftheAmericantype。

Ihaveseensolittleofthatforeignelementthatispopularlysupposedtobetherealworkingclassofthegreatmetropolis，thatIhaveoftenbeeninclinedtodoubtstatistics。ThegroundthatmymorningramblescoverextendsfromTwenty-thirdStreettoWashingtonPark，andlaterallyfromSixthAvenuetoBroadway。TheearlyrisingartisansthatImeethere，crossingthreeavenues，——

themilkmen，thetruck-drivers，theworkman，eventheoccasionaltramp，——wherevertheymaycomefromorgoto，orwhattheirrealhabitatmaybe，——areinvariablyAmericans。Igiveitasanhonestrecord，whateveritssignificanceorinsignificancemaybe，thatduringthelastyear，betweenthehoursofsixandeightA。M。，inandaboutthelocalityIhavementioned，Ihavemetwithbuttwounmistakableforeigners，anIrishmanandaGerman。PerhapsitmaybenecessarytoaddtothisstatementthatthepeopleIhavemetatthoseearlyhoursIhaveneverseenatanyothertimeinthesamelocality。

Astotheirquality，theartisanswerealwayscleanlydressed，intelligent，andrespectful。Iremember，however，onemorning，whentheicestormoftheprecedingnighthadmadethesidewalksglistening，smilingandimpassable，tohavejourneyeddownthemiddleofTwelfthStreetwithamechanicsosootyastoabsolutelyleavealegibletrackinthesnowypathway。Hewasthefiremanattendingtheengineinanotedmanufactory，andinourbriefconversationhetoldmemanyfactsregardinghisprofessionwhichI

fearinterestedmemorethantheafter-dinnerspeechesofsomedistinguishedgentlemenIhadheardtheprecedingnight。I

rememberthathespokeofhisengineas"she，"andrelatedcertaincircumstancesregardingherinconsistency，heraberrations，herpettishnesses，thatseemedtojustifythefemininegender。Ihaveagratefulrecollectionofhimasbeingonewhointroducedmetoarestaurantwherechicory，thinlydisguisedascoffee，wasservedwithbreadatfivecentsacup，andthathehonorablyinsistedonbeingthehost，andpaidhistencentsforourmutualentertainmentwiththegraceofaBarmecide。Iremember，inamoregenialseason，——Ithinkearlysummer，——tohavefounduponthebenchesofWashingtonParkagentlemanwhoinformedmethathisprofessionwasthatofa"pigeoncatcher"；thathecontractedwithcertainpartiesinthiscitytofurnishthesebirdsforwhathecalledtheir"pigeon-shoots"；andthatinfulfillingthiscontractheoftenwasobligedtogoasfarwestasMinnesota。Thedetailshegave——hismethodsofentrappingthebirds，hisstudyoftheirhabits，hisevidentbeliefthatthecitypigeon，howeverwellprovidedforbypartieswhofondlybelievedthebirdtobetheirown，wasreallyferaenaturae，andconsequently"game"forthepigeon-catcher——wereallsointerestingthatIlistenedtohimwithundisguiseddelight。

Whenhehadfinished，however，hesaid，"Andnow，sir，beingapoorman，withalargefamily，andworkbein’ratherslackthisyear，ifyecouldobligemewiththeloanofadollarandyouraddress，untilremittanceswhatI’mexpectingcomeinfromChicago，you’llbedoin’meagreatservice，"etc。，etc。Hegotthedollar，ofcourse（hisinformationwasworthtwicethemoney），butIimaginehelostmyaddress。Yetitisonlyfairtosaythatsomedaysafter，relatinghisexperiencetoaprominentsportingman，hecorroboratedallitsdetails，andsatisfiedmethatmypigeon-

catchingfriend，althoughunfortunate，wasnotanimpostor。

Andthisleadsmetospeakofthebirds。Ofallearlyrisers，mymostimportunate，aggressive，andobtrusivecompanionsaretheEnglishsparrows。BetweensixandsevenA。M。theyseemtopossesstheavenue，andresentmyintrusion。Iremember，onechillymorning，whenIcameuponaflurryofthem，chattering，quarreling，skimming，andalightingjustbeforeme。Istoppedatlast，fearfulofsteppingonthenearest。Tomygreatsurprise，insteadofflyingaway，hecontestedthegroundinchbyinchbeforemyadvancingfoot，withhiswingsoutspreadandopenbilloutstretched，verymuchlikethatridiculousburlesqueoftheAmericaneaglewhichthecommoncanary-birdassumeswhenteased。

"Didyoueversee’emwashinthefountaininthesquare？"saidRoundsman9999，earlyonesummermorning。Ihadnot。"Iguessthey’rethereyet。Comeandsee’em，"hesaid，andcomplacentlyaccompaniedmetwoblocks。Idon’tknowwhichwasthefinersight，——thethirtyorfortywingedsprites，dashinginandoutofthebasin，eachtheveryimpersonationofalight-hearted，mischievouspuck，orthisgravepoliceman，withbadgeandclubandshield，lookingonwithdelight。Perhapsmyvisibleamusement，orthespectacleofabrotherpolicemanjustthengoingpastwithacoupleof"drunkanddisorderlies，"recalledhisofficialresponsibilitiesandduties。"Theysaythemforeignsparrowsdrivealltheotherbirdsaway，"headded，severely；andthenwalkedoffwithacertainreservedmanner，asifitwerenotimpossibleforhimtobecalleduponsomemorningtotaketheentirefeatheredassemblyintocustody，andifsocalleduponheshoulddoit。

Next，Ithink，inprocessionamongtheearlyrisers，andsurelynextinfreshandinnocentexterior，werethework-womenorshop-

girls。Ihaveseenthisfineavenueongalaafternoonsbrightwiththebeautyandeleganceofanopulentcity，butIhaveseenomorebeautifulfacesthanIhaveseenamongthesehumblersisters。AsthemerehabitsofdressinAmerica，excepttoaveryacutecritic，givenosuggestionoftherankofthewearer，Icanimagineaninexperiencedforeignerutterlymystifiedandconfoundedbythesegirls，whoperhapsworkasewing-machineorwalkthelongfloorsofafashionabledry-goodsshop。Irememberonefaceandfigure，faultlessandcomplete，——modestlyyetmostbecominglydressed，——

indeed，afigurethatCompte-Calixmighthavetakenforoneofhisexquisitestudies，which，betweensevenandeightA。M。passedthroughEleventhStreet，betweenSixthAvenueandBroadway。Soexceptionallyfinewashercarriage，sochasteandvirginalherpresence，andsorefinedandevenspiritualherfeatures，that，asaliteraryman，Iwouldhavebeenjustifiedintakingherfortheheroineofasocietynovel。Indeed，Ihadalreadywovenalittleromanceabouther，whenonemorningsheovertookme，accompaniedbyanothergirl——pretty，butofadifferenttype——withwhomshewasearnestlyconversing。Asthetwopassedme，therefellfromherfaultlesslipsthefollowingastoundingsentence："AndItoldhim，ifhedidn’tlikeithemightlumpit，andhetraveledoffonhisleftear，youbet！"Heavenknowswhatindiscretionthisspeechsavedmefrom；butthereaderwillunderstandwhatastingthepainofrejectionmighthaveaddedtoitbytheaboveformula。

The"morning-cocktail"mencomenextinmyexperienceofearlyrising。Iusedtotakemyearlycupofcoffeeinthecafeofacertainfashionablerestaurantthathadabarattached。Icouldnothelpnoticingthat，unliketheusualsociallibationsofmycountrymen，theactoftakingamorningcocktailwasasolitaryone。InthecourseofmyexperienceIcannotrecallthefactoftwomentakinganante-breakfastcocktailtogether。Onthecontrary，Ihaveobservedthemaleanimalrushsavagelyatthebar，demandhisdrinkofthebar-keeper，swallowit，andhastenfromthesceneofhisearlydebauchery，orelsetakeitinalanguid，perfunctorymanner，which，Ithink，musthavebeeninsultingtothebar-keeper。Ihaveobservedtwomen，whomIhadseendrinkingamicablytogethertheprecedingnight，standinggloomilyattheoppositecornersofthebar，evidentlytryingnottoseeeachotherandmakingthematteraconfidentialonewiththebar-keeper。I

haveseenevenathindisguiseofsimplicityassumed。Irememberanelderlygentleman，ofmostrespectableexterior，whousedtoenterthecafeasifhehadstrayedthereaccidentally。Afterlookingaroundcarefully，andyetunostentatiously，hewouldwalktothebar，and，withanairofaffectedcarelessness，statethat"notfeelingwellthismorning，heguessedhewouldtake——well，hewouldleaveittothebar-keeper。"Thebar-keeperinvariablygavehimastiffbrandycocktail。Whentheoldgentlemanhaddonethishalfadozentimes，IthinkIlostfaithinhim。Itriedafterwardstogleanfromthebar-keepersomefactsregardingthoseexperiences，butIamproudtosaythathewashonorablyreticent。

Indeed，Ithinkitmaybesaidtruthfullythatthereisnorecordofabar-keeperwhohasbeen"interviewed。"Clergymenanddoctorshave，butitiswellfortheweaknessofhumanitythatthelineshouldbedrawnsomewhere。

Andthisremindsmethatonedistressingphaseofearlyrisingistheincongruousandunpleasantcontactoftheprecedingnight。ThesocialyesterdayisnotfairlyoverbeforenineA。M。to-day，andthereisalwaysahumorous，sometimesapathetic，lappingovertheedges。Irememberonemorningatsixo’clocktohavebeenovertakenbyacarriagethatdrewupbesideme。Irecognizedthecoachman，whotouchedhishatapologetically，asifhewishedmetounderstandthathewasnotatallresponsiblefortheconditionofhismaster，andIwenttothedoorofthecarriage。Iwasastonishedtofindtwoyoungfriendsofmine，incorrecteveningdress，recliningoneachother’sshouldersandsleepingthesleepofthejustlyinebriated。Istatedthisfacttothecoachman。Notamuscleofhiswell-trainedfaceansweredtomysmile。Buthesaid："Yousee，sir，we’vebeenoutallnight，andmorethanfourblocksbelowtheysawyou，andwantedmetohailyou，butyouknowyoustoppedtospeaktoagentleman，andsoIsorterlingered，andIdroveroundtheblockonceortwice，andIguessI’vegot’emquietagain。"IlookedinthecarriagedooroncemoreonthesesonsofBelial。Theyweresleepingquiteunconsciously。A

bouttonniereinthelappeloftheyoungerone’scoathadsheditsleaves，whichwerescatteredoverhimwitharidiculoussuggestionofthe"BabesintheWood，"andIclosedthecarriagedoorsoftly。

"IsupposeI’dbettertake’emhome，sir？"queriedthecoachman，gravely。"Well，yes，John，perhapsyouhad。"

ThereisanotherpictureinmyearlyrisingexperiencethatIwishwasassimplyandhonestlyludicrous。Itwasatatimewhenthemoralsentimentofthemetropolis，expressedthroughordinanceandspeciallegislation，haddeclareditselfagainstacertainformof"variety"entertainment，andhad，asusual，proceededagainsttheperformers，andnotthepeoplewhoencouragedthem。Iremember，onefrostymorning，tohaveencounteredinWashingtonParkmyhonestfriendSergeantX。andRoundsman9999conveyingapartyofthesederelictstothestation。Oneofthewomen，evidently，hadnothadtimetochangeherapparel，andhadthinlydisguisedtheflowingrobeandloosecestusofVenusunderaragged"waterproof"；

whiletheother，whohaddoubtlessposedforMercury，hidhershapelytightsinaplaidshawl，andchangedherwingedsandalsforapairof"arctics。"Theirrougedfaceswerestreakedandstainedwithtears。Themanwhowaswiththem，themaleoftheirspecies，hadbuthastilywashedhimselfofhisEthiopianpresentment，andwasstillblackbehindtheears；whileanexaggeratedshirtcollarandfrilledshirtmadehisoccasionalindignantprofanityirresistiblyludicrous。Sotheyfaredonovertheglitteringsnow，againsttherosysunlightofthesquare，thegrayfrontoftheUniversitybuilding，withafewtwitteringsparrowsintheforeground，besidethetwopolicemen，quietandimpassiveasfate。

IcouldnothelpthinkingofthedistinguishedA。，themostfashionableB。，thewealthyandrespectableC。，thesentimentalD。，andthemanoftheworldE。，whowerepresentattheperformance，whosedistinguishedpatronagehadcalleditintolife，andwhowerethenrestingquietlyintheirbeds，whilethesehaggardservantsoftheirpleasauncewerehaledoverthesnowtopunishmentandignominy。

Letmefinishbyrecallingonebrighterpictureofthatsameseason。Itwasearly；soearlythatthecrossofGraceChurchhad，whenIlookedup，justcaughtthemorningsun，andforamomentflamedlikeacrusader’ssymbol。Andthenthegraceandgloryofthatexquisitespirebecameslowlyvisible。Fretbyfretthesunlightstoleslowlydown，quiveringanddroppingfromeach，untilatlastthewholechurchbeamedinrosyradiance。Upanddownthelongavenuethestreetlayinshadow；bysomestrangetrickoftheatmospherethesunseemedtohavesoughtoutonlythatgracefulstructureforitsblessing。Andthentherewasadullrumble。Itwasthefirstomnibus，——thefirstthrobinthegreatarteryoftherevivingcity。Ilookedup。Thechurchwasagaininshadow。

WITHTHEENTREES

"Once，whenIwasapirate——！"

Thespeakerwasanelderlygentlemanincorrecteveningdress，theroomatastefulone，thecompanyofinfiniterespectability，thelocalityatoncefashionableandexclusive，theoccasionanunexceptionabledinner。Tothisshouldbeaddedthatthespeakerwasalsothehost。

Withtheseconditionsself-evident，allthatgoodbreedingcoulddowastoreceivethestatementwithavaguesmilethatmightpassforgood-humoredincredulityorcourteousacceptationofasimplefact。

Indeed，Ithinkweallrathertriedtoconveytheimpressionthatourhost，whenheWASapirate，——ifheeverreallywasone，——wasallthataself-respectingpirateshouldbe，andneverviolatedthecanonsofgoodsociety。Thisideawas，tosomeextent，crystallizedbytheyoungestMissJonesintheexclamation，"Oh，hownice！"

"Itwas，ofcourse，manyyearsago，whenIwasquitealad。"

Weallmurmured"Certainly，"asifpiracywereanaturalexpressionoftheexuberanceofyouth。

"Iought，perhaps，explainthecircumstancesthatledmeintothiswayoflife。"

HereLegrande，acourteousattacheofthePatagonianlegation，interposedinFrenchandanexcessofpoliteness，"thatitwasnotofanecessity，"astatementtowhichhisEnglishneighborhurriedlyresponded，"Oui，oui。"

"Thereessaboke，"hecontinued，inawell-bred，rapidwhisper，"fromCaptainCanot，——aFrenchman，——mosteenteresting——hewas——oh，afinemanofeducation——andwhatyoucalla’slavair，’"butherehewasquietlynudgedintorespectfulsilence。

"Iranawayfromhome，"continuedourhost。Hepaused，andthenadded，appealingly，tothetwodistinguishedforeignerspresent："I

donotknowifIcanmakeyouunderstandthatthisisapeculiarlyAmericanpredilection。TheexodusoftheyoungermalesofanAmericanfamilyagainsttheparents’wishesdoesnot，withus，necessarilycarryanyobloquywithit。TotheaverageAmericantheprospectoffortuneandabetterconditionliesOUTSIDEofhishome；withyouthehomemeanstheestate，thesuccessionofhonorsortitles，thesuretythattheconditionsoflifeshallallbekeptintact。Withusthechildrenwhodonotexpect，andgenerallysucceedinimprovingthefortunesofthehouse，aremarkedexceptions。DoImakemyselfclear？"

TheFrench-Patagonianattachethoughtitwas"charmingandprogressif。"TheBaronVonPretzelthoughthehadnoticedamovementofthatkindinGermany，whichwasexpressedinasinglewordofseventeensyllables。ViscountPiccadillysaidtohisneighbor："That，youknownow，theyoungersons，don’tyousee，gotoAustralia，youknowinsomebeastlytrade——stock-raisingorsheep——youknow；but，byJove！themfellahs——"

"Myfatheralwaystreatedmewell，"continuedourhost。"IsharedequallywithmybrotherstheprivilegesandlimitationsofourNewEnglandhome。Nevertheless，Iranawayandwenttosea——"

"Tosee——what？"askedLegrande。

"Allersurmer，"saidhisneighbor，hastily。

"Goonwithyourpiracy！"saidMissJones。

ThedistinguishedforeignerslookedateachotherandthenatMissJones。Eachmadeamentalnoteoftheaveragecold-bloodedferocityoftheyoungAmericanfemale。

"IshippedonboardofaLiverpool’liner，’"continuedourhost。

"Whatessa’liner’？"interruptedLegrande，sottovoce，tohisnextneighbor，whopretendednottohearhim。

"Ineednotsaythatthesewerethedayswhenwehadnotlostourcarryingtrade，whenAmericanbottoms——"

"Queestce，’bottoom’？"saidLegrande，imploringly，tohisotherfriend。

"WhenAmericanbottomsstillcarriedthebulkoffreight，andthesupremacyofourflag——"

HereLegranderecognizedapatrioticsentimentandrespondedtoitwithwildrepublicanenthusiasm，noddinghisheadviolently。

Piccadillynoticedit，too，and，seeinganopeningforsomegeneraldiscussiononfreetrade，beganhalfaudiblytoHISneighbor："Mostextraordinarything，youknow，yourAmericanstatesmen——"

"IdesertedtheshipatLiverpool——"

Butheretwoperfunctorylistenerssuddenlyturnedtowardtheotherendofthetable，whereanotherguest，ourNevadaBonanzalion，wasevidentlyinthefullfloodofpioneeranecdoteandnarration。

Calmlydisregardingthedefection，hewenton：——

"IdesertedtheshipatLiverpoolinconsequenceofmyill-

treatmentbythesecondmate，——amanselectedforhispositionbyreasonofhissuperiorphysicalstrengthandrecognizedbrutality。

Ihavebeensincetoldthathegraduatedfromthestateprison。OntheseconddayoutIsawhimstrikeamansenselesswithabelayingpinforsometriflingbreachofdiscipline。Isawhimrepeatedlybeatandkicksickmen——"

"DidyoueverreadDana’s’TwoYearsbeforetheMast’？"askedLightbody，ourheavyliteraryman，turningtoHISneighbor，inadistinctlyaudiblewhisper。"Ah！there’sabook！Gotallthissortofthinginit。Dev’lishlywellwritten，too。"

ThePatagonian（aliveforinformation）："WhatessthisDana，eh？"

Hislefthandneighbor（shortly）："Oh，thatman！"

Hisrighthandneighbor（curtly）："ThefellahwhowrotetheEncyclopaediaandedits’TheSun’？thatwasputupinBostonfortheEnglishmissionanddidn’tgetit。"

ThePatagonian（makingamentaldiplomaticnoteofthefactthattheseveredisciplineoftheeditorof"TheSun，"oneofAmerica’sprofoundestscholars，whileactingfrompatrioticmotives，asthesecondmateofanAmerican"bottom，"hadunfittedhimfordiplomaticserviceabroad）："Ah，ciel！"

"Iwanderedonthequaysforadayortwo，untilIwaspickedupbyaPortuguesesailor，who，interestinghimselfinmystory，offeredtoprocuremeapassagetoFayalandLisbon，where，heassuredme，Icouldfindmorecomfortableandprofitablemeansofreturningtomyownland。Letmesayherethatthisman，althoughIknewhimafterwardasoneofthemostunscrupulousandheartlessofpirates，——infactthetypicalbuccaneerofthebooks，——wastomealwayskind，considerate，and，attimes，eventender。Hewasacapitalseaman。Igivethisevidenceinfavorofamuchridiculedrace，whohavebeenableseamenforcenturies。"

"DidyoueverreadthatPortugueseGuide-book？"askedLightbodyofhisneighbor；"it’sthemostexquisitelyridiculousthing——"

"WillthegreatAmericanpiratekindlygoon，orresumehisoriginalfunctions，"saidMissJones，overthetable，withasignificantlookinthedirectionofLightbody。Butheranxietywasinstantlymisinterpretedbythepoliteandfair-playlovingEnglishman："Isay，now，don’tyouknowthatthefactisthesePortuguesefellahsarealwaysaheadofusinthediscoverybusiness？Why，youknow——"

"Ishippedwithhimonabrig，ostensiblyboundtoSt。Kittsandamarket。WehadscarcelyleftportbeforeIdiscoveredthetruecharacterofthevessel。Iwillnotterrifyyouwithuselessdetails。Enoughthatallthattraditionandromancehasgivenyouofthepirate’slifewasours。Happily，throughthekindnessofmyPortuguesefriend，IwaskeptfrombeinganactiveparticipantinscenesofwhichIwasanunwillingwitness。ButImustalwaysbearmytestimonytoonefact。Ourdiscipline，ourespritdecorps，ifImaysotermit，wasperfect。Nobenevolentsociety，nomoralorganization，waseversopersonallyself-sacrificing，sohonestlyloyaltoonevirtuouspurpose，asweweretoouronevice。Theindividualwasalwaysmergedinthepurpose。Whenourcaptainblewoutthebrainsofourquartermaster，oneday——"

"Thatremindsme——DIDyoureadofthatGeorgiamurder？"beganLightbody；"itwasinallthepapersIthink。Oh，Ibegpardon——"

"Forsimplyinterruptinghiminaconversationwithoursecondofficer，"continuedourhost，quietly。"Theact，althoughharshandperhapsunnecessarilyfinal，was，Ithink，indorsedbythecrew。James，passthechampagnetoMr。Lightbody。"

Hepausedamomentfortheusualcasualinterruption，buteventheactiveLegrandewassilent。

Alas！fromtheotherendofthetablecamethevoiceoftheBonanzaman：——

"Theropewasaroundherneck。Well，gentlemen，thatMexicanwomanstandingthere，withthatcrowdaroundher，eagerforherblood，dernmyskin！ifshedidn’tcallouttothesherifftoholdonaminit。Andwhatfer？Yecan’tguess！Why，oneofthemlongbraidssheworewasunderthenoose，andkinderintheway。I

rememberherraisingherhandtoherneckandgivin’aspitefulsortofjerktothebraidthatfetcheditoutsidetheslip-knot，andthensayingtothesheriff：’There，d——nye，goon。’Therewasasorto’thoughtfulnessintheact，akindo’keerless，easyway，thatjistfetchedtheboys——eventhemthethedtheropeintheirhands，andthey——"（suddenlyrecognizingthesilence）："Oh，begpardon，oldman；didn’tknowI’dchippedintoyouryarn——heaveahead；don’tmindme。"

"WhatIamtryingtotellyouisthis：Onenight，intheCaribbeanSea，weranintooneoftheLeewardIslands，thathadbeeninoldentimearendezvousforourship。WewerepilotedtoouranchorageoutsidebymyPortuguesefriend，whoknewthelocalitythoroughly，andonwhosedexterityandskillweplacedthegreatestreliance。

Ifanythingmorehadbeennecessarytofixthiscircumstanceinmymind，itwouldhavebeenthefactthattwoorthreedaysbeforehehadassuredmethatIshouldpresentlyhavethemeansofhonorabledischargefromthepirate’screw，andareturntomynativeland。

Alaunchwassentfromtheshiptocommunicatewithourfriendsontheisland，whosupplieduswithstores，provisions，andgeneralinformation。Thelaunchwasmannedbyeightmen，andofficeredbythefirstmate，——agrim，Puritanical，practicalNewEnglander，ifI

mayusesuchatermtodescribeapirate，ofgreatcourage，experience，andphysicalstrength。MyPortuguesefriend，actingaspilot，prevaileduponthemtoallowmetoaccompanythepartyascoxswain。Iwasnaturallyanxious，youcanreadilycomprehend，tosee——"

"Certainly，""Ofcourse，""Whyshouldn’tyou？"wentroundthetable。

"Twotrustworthymenweresentashorewithinstructions。We，meanwhile，layoffthelow，palm-fringedbeach，ourcrewlyingontheiroars，orgivingwayjustenoughtokeeptheboat’sheadtothebreakers。Themateandmyselfsatinthesternsheets，lookingshorewardforthesignal。Thenightwasintenselyblack。PerhapsforthisreasonneverbeforehadIseenthephosphorescenceofatropicalseasostronglymarked。Fromthegreatopenbeyond，luminouscrestsandplumesofpalefireliftedthemselves，ghost-

like，atourbows，sank，sweptbyuswithlong，shimmering，undulatingtrails，brokeonthebeachinsilverycrescents，orshatteredtheirbrightnessontheblackrocksofthepromontory。

Thewholevastseashoneandtwinkledlikeanotherfirmament，againstwhichthefiguresofourmen，sittingwiththeirfacestowardus，wereoutlineddarkly。Thegrim，setfeaturesofourfirstmate，sittingbesideme，werefaintlyilluminated。Therewasnosoundbutthewhisperofpassingwavesagainstourlap-streak，andthelow，murmuringconversationofthemen。Ihadmyfacetowardtheshore。AsIlookedovertheglimmeringexpanse，I

suddenlyheardthewhisperednameofourfirstmate。Assuddenly，bythephosphorescentlightthatsurroundedit，Isawthelongtrailinghairandgleamingshouldersofawomanfloatingbesideus。

Legrande，youarepositivelydrinkingnothing。Lightbody，youareshirkingtheBurgundy——youusedtolikeit！"

Hepaused，butnoonespoke。

"I——letmesee！wherewasI？Oh，yes！Well，Isawthewoman，andwhenIturnedtocalltheattentionofthefirstmatetothisfact，Iknewinstantly，bysomestrangeinstinct，thathehadseenandheardher，too。So，fromthatmomenttotheconclusionofourlittledrama，weweresilent，butenforcedspectators。

"Sheswamgracefully——silently！Iremembernoticingthroughthatodd，half-weird，phosphorescentlightwhichbrokeoverhershouldersassheroseandfellwitheachquietstrokeofhersplendidlyroundedarms，thatshewasamature，perfectly-formedwoman。Iremember，also，thatwhenshereachedtheboat，and，supportingherselfwithonesmallhandonthegunwale，shesoftlycalledthemateinawhisperbyhisChristianname，Ihadaboyishideathatshewas——the——er——er——femaleofhisspecies——his——er——

naturalwife！I’mboringyou——amInot？"

Twoorthreeheadsshookviolentlyandnegatively。Theyoungest，and，Iregrettosay，theOLDEST，MissJonesutteredtogethersympathetically，"Goon——please；do！"

"The——womantoldhiminafewrapidwordsthathehadbeenbetrayed；thatthetwomensentashorewerenowinthehandsoftheauthorities；thataforcewasbeingorganizedtocapturethevessel；thatinstantflightwasnecessary，andthatthebetrayerandtraitorwas——myfriend，thePortuguese，Fernandez！

"Themateraisedthedripping，littlebrownhandtohislips，andwhisperedsomeundistinguishablewordsinherear。Irememberseeingherturnalookofineffableloveandhappinessuponhisgrim，setface，andthenshewasgone。Shedoveasaduckdives，andIsawhershapelyhead，afteramoment’ssuspense，reappearacable’slengthawaytowardtheshore。

"Iventuredtoraisemyeyestothemate’sface；itwascoldandimpassive。Iturnedmyfacetowardthecrew；theywereconversinginwhisperswitheachother，withtheirfacestowardus，yetapparentlyutterlyobliviousofthescenethathadjusttakenplaceinthestern。Therewasamomentofsilence，andthenthemate’svoicecameoutquiteimpassively，butdistinctly：——

"’Fernandez！’

"’Aye，aye，sir！’

"’Comeaftand——bringyouroarwithyou。’

"Hedidso，stumblingoverthemen，who，engagedintheirwhisperedyarns，didn’tseemtonoticehim。

"’Seeifyoucanfindsoundingshere。’

"Fernandezleanedoverthesternanddroppedhisoartoitsshaftinthephosphorescentwater。Buthetouchednobottom；thecurrentbroughttheoaratrightanglespresentlytothesurface。

"’Senditdown，man，’saidthemate，imperatively；’down，down。

Reachoverthere。Whatareyouafraidof？So；steadythere；I’llholdyou。’

"Fernandezleanedoverthesternandsenttheoarandhalfofhisbaredbrownarmintothewater。Inaninstantthematecaughthimwithonetremendouspotentialgripathiselbows，andforcedhimandhisoarheaddownwardinthewaters。Theactwassosudden，yetsocarefullypremeditated，thatnooutcryescapedthedoomedman。Eventhelaunchscarcelydippedhersterntotheact。InthatawfulmomentIheardalightlaughfromoneofthemeninresponsetoawantonyarnfromhiscomrade，——James，bringthevichytoMr。Lightbody！You’llfindthatadashofcognacwillimproveitwonderfully。

"Well——togoon——afewbubblesarosetothesurface。Fernandezseemedunreasonablypassive，untilIsawthatwhenthematehadgrippedhiselbowswithhishandshehadalsofirmlylockedthetraitor’skneeswithinhisown。Inafewmoments——itseemedtome，then，acentury——themate’sgrasprelaxed；thebodyofFernandez，amerelimp，leadenmass，slippednoiselesslyandheavilyintothesea。Therewasnosplash。Theoceantookitcalmlyandquietlytoitsdepths。Themateturnedtothemen，withoutdeigningtocastaglanceonme。

"’Oars！’Themenraisedtheiroarsapeak。

"’Letfall！’Therewasasplashinthewater，encirclingtheboatinconcentriclinesofmoltensilver。

"’Giveway！’

"Well，ofcourse，that’sall。WEgotawayintime。IknewIboredyouawfully！Eh？Oh，youwanttoknowwhatbecameofthewoman——

really，Idon’tknow！Andmyself——oh，IgotawayatHavana！Eh？

Certainly；James，you’llfindsomesmellingsaltsinmybureau。

Gentlemen，Ifearwehavekepttheladiestoolong。"

Buttheyhadalreadyrisen，andwereslowlyfilingoutoftheroom。

Onlyonelingered——theyoungestMissJones。

"Thatwasacapitalstory，"shesaid，pausingbesideourhost，withaspecialsignificanceinherusualaudacity。"Doyouknowyouabsolutelysentcoldchillsdownmyspineamomentago。Really，now，yououghttowriteforthemagazines！"

Ourhostlookedupatthepretty，audaciousface。Thenhesaid，sottovoce，——

"Ido！"