第14章

Thesearethekindofmenwewant；these，thenearestpossibleapproximationtothese，arethemenwemustfindandhave，orgobankruptaltogether；fortheconcernasitiswillevidentlynotholdlongtogether。HowtrueisthisofCrabbe：“MensitinParliamenteighty-threehoursperweek，debatingaboutmanythings。MensitinDowningStreet，doingprotocols，Syriantreaties，Greekquestions，Portuguese，Spanish，French，EgyptianandAEthiopianquestions；dexterouslywritingdespatches，andhavingthehonortobe。NotaquestionofthemisatallpressingincomparisonwiththeEnglishquestion。PacificothemiraculousGibraltarJewhasbeenhustledbysomepopulaceinGreece：——uponhimlettheBritishLiondrop，veryrapidlyindeed，aconstitutionaltear。RadetzkyissaidtobeadvancinguponMilan；——Iamsorrytohearit，andperhapsitdoesdeserveadespatch，orfriendlyletter，onceandaway：buttheIrishGiant，namedofDespair，isadvancinguponLondonitself，layingwasteallEnglishcities，townsandvillages；thatistheinterestingGovernmentdespatchoftheday！InoticehiminPiccadilly，blue-visaged，thatchedinrags，abluechildoneacharm；hunger-driven，wide-mouthed，seekingwhomhemaydevour：

he，missionedbythejustHeavens，tootrulyandtoosadlytheir’divinemissionary’comeatlastinthisauthoritativemanner，willthrowusallintoDoubtingCastle，Iperceive！Thatisthephenomenonworthprotocollingabout，andwritingdespatchesupon，andthinkingofwithallone’sfacultydayandnight，ifonewishestohavethehonortobe——anythingbutaPhantasmGovernorofEnglandjustnow！IentreatyourLordship’sallbutundividedattentiontothatDomesticIrishGiant，namedofDespair，foragreatmanyyearstocome。Prophecyofhimtherehaslongbeen；

butnowbytherotofthepotato(blessedbethejustgods，whosenduseitherswiftdeathorsomebeginningofcureatlast！)，heishereinperson，andthereisnodenyinghim，ordisregardinghimanymore；andwoetothepublicwatchmanthatignoreshim，andseesPacificotheGibraltarJewinstead！“

WhatthesestrangeEntitiesinDowningStreetintrinsicallyare；

whomadethem，whytheyweremade；howtheydotheirfunction；

andwhattheirfunction，sohugeinappearance，mayinnet-resultamountto，——isprobablyknowntonomortal。Theunofficialmindpassesbyindarkwonder；notpretendingtoknow。Theofficialmindmustnotblab；——theofficialmind，restrictedtoitsownsquarefootofterritoryinthevastlabyrinth，isprobablyitselfdark，andunabletoblab。Weseetheoutcome；themechanismwedonotsee。Howthetailorsclipandsew，inthatsublimesweatingestablishmentoftheirs，weknownot：thatthecoattheybringusoutisthesorrowfulestfantasticmockeryofacoat，amereintricateartisticnetworkoftraditionsandformalities，anembroiledreticulationmadeofweb-listingsandsuperannuatedthrumsandtatters，endurabletonogrownNationasacoat，ismournfullyclear！——

TwokindsoffundamentalerroraresupposableinsuchasetofOffices；thesetwo，actingandreacting，aretheviceofallinefficientOfficeswhatever——_First_，thatthework，suchasitmaybe，isilldoneintheseestablishments。Thatitisdelayed，neglected，slurredover，committedtohandsthatcannotdoitwell；that，inaword，thequestionssentthitherarenotwiselyhandled，butunwisely；notdecidedtrulyandrapidly，butwithdelaysandwrongatlast：whichistheprincipalcharacter，andtheinfallibleresult，ofaninsufficientIntellectbeingsettodecidethem。Or_second_，whatisstillfataler，theworkdonetheremayitselfbequitethewrongkindofwork。NotthekindofsupervisionanddirectionwhichColonies，andothersuchinterests，HomeorForeign，dobythenatureofthemrequirefromtheCentralGovernment；notthat，butaquiteotherkind！TheSotomayorcorrespondence，forexample，isconsideredbymanypersonsnottobemismanagedmerely，buttobeathingwhichshouldneverhavebeenmanagedatall；aquitesuperfluousconcern，whichandthelikeofwhichtheBritishGovernmenthasalmostnocalltogetinto，atthisnewepochoftime。AndnotSotomayoronly，norSapienzaonly，inregardtothatForeignOffice，butinnumerableotherthings，ifourwittyfriendofthe“livecoal“havereasoninhim！OftheColonialOffice，too，itisurgedthatthequestionstheydecideandoperateuponare，inverygreatpart，questionswhichtheynevershouldhavemeddledwith，butalmostallofwhichshouldhavebeendecidedintheColoniesthemselves，——MotherCountryorColonialOfficereservingitsenergyforaquiteotherclassofobjects，whichareterriblyneglectedjustnow。

ThesearethetwovicesthatbesetGovernmentOffices；bothofthemoriginatingininsufficientIntellect，——thatsadinsufficiencyfromwhich，directlyorindirectly，allevilwhatsoeversprings！Andthesetwovicesactandreact，sothatwheretheoneis，theotherissuretobe；andeachencouragingthegrowthoftheother，both(ifsomecleaningoftheAugeasstablehavenotintervenedforalongwhile)willbefoundinfrightfuldevelopment。Youcannothaveyourworkwelldone，iftheworkbenotofarightkind，ifitbenotworkprescribedbythelawofNatureaswellasbytherulesoftheoffice。

Laziness，whichliesinwaitroundallhumanlabor-offices，willinthatcaseinfalliblyleakin，andvitiatethedoingofthework。Theworkisbutidle；ifthedoingofitwillbutpass，whatneedofmore？Theessentialproblem，astherulesofofficeprescribeitforyou，ifNatureandFactsaynothing，isthatyourworkbegottopass；iftheworkitselfisworthnothing，orlittleoranuncertainquantity，whatmorecangodsormenrequireofit，or，aboveall，canIwhoamthedoerofitrequire，butthatitbegottopass？

Andnowentersanotherfataleffect，themotherofever-newmischiefs，whichrenderswell-doingorimprovementimpossible，anddrivesbadeverywherecontinuallyintoworse。Theworkbeingwhatwesee，astupidsubalternwilldoaswellasagiftedone；

theessentialpointis，thathebeaquietone，anddonotbothermewhohavethedrivingofhim。Nay，forthislatterobject，isnotacertainheightofintelligenceevendangerous？IwantnomettledArabhorse，withhisflashingglances，arched，neckandelasticstep，todrawmywretchedsand-cartthroughthestreets；

abroken，grass-fedgalloway，Irishgarron，orpainfulasswithnothinginthebellyofhimbutpatienceandfurze，willdoitsafelierforme，ifmoreslowly。NayImyself，amItheworseforbeingofafeebleorderofintelligence；whattheirreverentspeculative，worldcallsbarren，red-tapish，limited，andevenintrinsicallydarkandsmall，andifitmustbesaid，stupid？——TosuchaclimaxdoesitcomeinallGovernmentandotherOffices，whereHumanStupidityhasonceintroduceditself(asitwilleverywheredo)，andnoScavengerGodintervenes。Thework，atfirstofsomeworth，isilldone，andbecomesoflessworthandofeverless，andfinallyofnone：theworthlessworkcannow_afford_tobeilldone；andHumanStupidity，atadoublegeometricalratio，withfrightfulexpansiongrowsandaccumulates，——towardstheunendurable。

ThereformingHercules，SirRobertPeelorwhoeverheistobe，thatentersDowningStreet，willaskhimselfthisquestionfirstofall，Whatworkisnownecessary，notinformandbytraditionaryuseandwont，butinveryfact，forthevitalinterestsoftheBritishNation，tobedonehere？Thesecondquestion，Howtogetitwelldone，andtokeepthebesthandsdoingitwell，willbegreatlysimplifiedbyagoodanswertothat。Ohforaneyethatcouldseeinthosehideousmazes，andaheartthatcoulddareanddo！Strenuousfaithfulscrutiny，notofwhatis_thought_tobewhatinthered-taperegions，butofwhatreallyiswhatintherealmsofFactandNatureherself；

deep-seeing，wiseandcourageouseyes，thatcouldlookthroughinnumerablecobwebveils，anddetectwhatfactorno-factliesatheartofthem，——howinvaluablethese！For，alas，itislongsincesucheyesweremuchinthehabitoflookingsteadfastlyatanydepartmentofouraffairs；andpoorcommonplacecreatures，helpingthemselvesalong，inthewayofmakeshift，fromyeartoyear，insuchanelement，dowonderfulworksindeed。Suchcreatures，likemoles，aresafeonlyunderground，andtheirengineeringstherebecomeverydaedalean。Infact，suchunfortunatepersonshavenoresourcebuttobecomewhatwecallPedants；toensconcethemselvesinasafeworldofhabitudes，ofapplicableorinapplicabletraditions；notcoveting，ratheravoidingthegeneraldaylightofcommon-sense，asveryextraneoustothemandtheirprocedure；bylongpersistenceinwhichcoursetheybecomeCompletedPedants，hidebound，impenetrable，ableto_defy_thehostileextraneouselement；analarmingkindofmen，Suchmen，lefttothemselvesforacenturyortwo，inanyColonial，Foreign，orotherOffice，willmakeaterribleaffairofit！

FortheoneenemywehaveinthisUniverseisStupidity，DarknessofMind；ofwhichdarkness，again，therearemanysources，every_sin_asource，andprobablyself-conceitthechiefsource。

Darknessofmind，ineverykindandvariety，doestoareallytragicextentabound：butofallthekindsofdarkness，surelythePedantdarkness，whichassertsandbelievesitselftobelight，isthemostformidabletomankind！Forempiresorforindividualsthereisbutoneclassofmentobetrembledat；andthatistheStupidClass，theclassthatcannotsee，whoalasaretheymainlythatwillnotsee。Aclassofmortalsunderwhichasadministrators，kings，priests，diplomatists，&c。，theinterestsofmankindineveryEuropeancountryhavesunkoverloaded，asunderuniversalnightmare，neartoextinction；andindeedareatthismomentconvulsivelywrithing，decidedeithertothrowofftheunblessedsuperincumbentnightmare，orrollthemselvesandittotheAbyss。VaintoreformParliament，toinventballot-boxes，toreformthisorthat；therealAdministration，practicalManagementoftheCommonwealth，goesallawry；chokedupwithlong-accumulatedpedantries，sothatyourappointedworkershavebeenreducedtoworkasmoles；anditisonevastboringandcounter-boring，onthepartofeyelesspersonsirreverentlycalledstupid；andadaedaleanbewilderment，writing“impossible“

onalleffortsorproposals，supervenes。

TheStateitself，notinDowningStreetalonebutineverydepartmentofit，hasalteredmuchfromwhatitwasinpasttimes；anditwillagainhavetoalterverymuch，toalterI

thinkfromtoptobottom，ifitmeanstocontinueexistinginthetimesthatarenowcomingandcome！

TheState，lefttoshapeitselfbydimpedantriesandtraditions，withoutdistinctnessofconviction，orpurposebeyondthatofhelpingitselfoverthedifficultyofthehour，hasbecome，insteadofaluminousvitalitypermeatingwithitslightallprovincesofouraffairs，amostmonstrousagglomerateofinanities，aslittleadaptedfortheactualwantsofamoderncommunityastheworstcitizenneedwish。Thethingitisdoingisbynomeansthethingwewanttohavedone。Whatwewant！

LetthedullestBritishmanendeavortoraiseinhismindthisquestion，andaskhimselfinsinceritywhattheBritishNationwantsatthistime。Isittohave，withendlessjargoning，debating，motioningandcounter-motioning，asettlementeffectedbetweentheHonorableMr。ThisandtheHonorableMr。That，astotheirrespectivepretensionstoridethehighhorse？Reallyitisunimportantwhichofthemrideit。Goinguponpastexperiencelongcontinuednow，Ishouldsaywithbrevity，“Eitherofthem——Neitherofthem。“IfourGovernmentistobeaNo-Government，whatisthematterwhoadministersit？Flinganorange-skinintoSt。James’sStreet；letthemanithitsbeyourman。He，ifyoubreedhimalittletoit，andtiethedueofficialbladderstohisankles，willdoaswellasanotherthissublimeproblemofbalancinghimselfuponthevortexes，withthelongloaded-poleinhishands；andwill，withstraddlingpainfulgestures，floathitherandthither，walkingthewatersinthatsingularmannerforalittlewhile，aswellashisforegoersdid，tillhealsocapsize，andbeleftfloatingfeetuppermost；afterwhichyouchooseanother。

Whatanimmensepother，byparliamentingandpalaveringinallcornersofyourempire，todecidesuchaquestionasthat！I

say，ifthatisthefunction，almostanyhumancreaturecanlearntodischargeit：flingoutyourorange-skinagain；andsaveanincalculablelabor，andanemissionofnonsenseandfalsity，andelectioneeringbeerandbriberyandbalderdash，whichisterribletothinkof，indeciding。YourNationalParliament，insofarasithasonlythatquestiontodecide，maybeconsideredasanenormousNationalPalaverexistingmainlyforimaginarypurposes；

andcertain，inthesedaysofabbreviatedlabor，togetitselfsenthomeagaintoitspartridge-shootings，fox-huntings，andaboveall，toitsrat-catchings，ifitcouldbutunderstandthetimeofday，andknow(asourindignantCrabberemarks)that“therealNimrodofthisera，whoalonedoesanygoodtotheera，istherat-catcher！“

ThenotionthatanyGovernmentisorcanbeaNo-Government，withoutthedeadliestperiltoallnobleinterestsoftheCommonwealth，andbydegreesslowerorswiftertoallignobleonesalso，andtotheverygully-drains，andthieflodging-houses，andMosaicsweatingestablishments，andatlastwithoutdestructiontosuchNo-Governmentitself，——wasnevermynotion；andIhopeitwillsoonceasealtogethertobetheworld’sortobeanybody’s。Butifitbethecorrectnotion，astheworldseemsatpresenttoflatteritself，Ipointoutimprovementsandabbreviations。DismissyourNationalPalaver；

makethe_Times_NewspaperyourNationalPalaver，whichneedsnobeer-barrelsorhustings，andis_cheaper_inexpenseofmoneyandoffalsityathousandandamillionfold；haveaneconomicalred-tapedrillingestablishment(itwereeasiertodevisesuchathingthanaright_ModernUniversity_)；——andflingoutyourorange-skinamongthegraduates，whenyouwantanewPremier。