下载辰思小说免费APP
OnedayIenteredthebilliard-roomwherethesethreegentlemenwerehighinwords。”Thethingshallnotbedone，”IheardCaptainTagragsay:”Iwon’tstandit。””Vat，begauseyouwouldhavedebirdalltoyourzelf，hey？”saidtheBaron。”Yousallnothaveasinglefezareofhim，begar，”saidtheCount:”vevillblowyou，M。deTaguerague；paroled’honneur，vevill。””What’sallthis，gents，”saysI，steppingin，”aboutbirdsandfeathers？””Oh，”saysTagrag，”weweretalkingabout——about——pigeon-shooting；
theCountheresayshewillblowabirdalltopiecesattwentyyards，andIsaidIwouldn’tstandit，becauseitwasregularmurder。””Oh，yase，itwasbidgeon-shooting，”criestheBaron:”andIknownobettersbort。Haveyoubeenbidgeon-shooting，mydearSquire？
Defonisgabidal。””Nodoubt，”saysI，”fortheshooters，butmightybadsportforthePIGEON。”Andthisjokesetthemalla-laughingreadytodie。I
didn’tknowthenwhatagoodjokeitWAS，neither；butIgaveMasterBaron，thatday，apreciousgoodbeating，andwalkedoffwithnolessthanfifteenshillingsofhismoney。
Asasportingman，andamanoffashion，IneednotsaythatItookintheFlare-upregularly；ay，andwroteoneortwotriflesinthatcelebratedpublication(oneofmypapers，whichTagragsubscribedforme，Philo-pestitiaeamicus，onthepropersaucefortealandwidgeon——andtheother，signedScru-tatos，onthebestmeansofcultivatingthekidneyspeciesofthatvegetable——madenosmallnoiseatthetime，andgotmeinthepaperacomplimentfromtheeditor)。IwasaconstantreaderoftheNoticestoCorrespondents，and，myearlyeducationhavingbeenraytherneglected(forIwastakenfrommystudiesandset，asisthecustominourtrade，topractiseonasheep’sheadatthetenderageofnineyears，beforeIwasallowedtoventureonthehumanecountenance，)——Isay，beingthuscurtailedandcutoffinmyclassicallearning，ImustconfessImanagedtopickupaprettysmatteringofgenteelinformationfromthattreasuryofallsortsofknowledge；atleastsufficienttomakemeamatchinlearningforallthenoblemenandgentlemenwhocametoourhouse。Well，onlookingovertheFlare-upnoticestocorrespondents，Iread，onedaylastApril，amongthenotices，asfollows:——”’Automodon。’WedonotknowthepreciseageofMr。BakerofCoventGardenTheatre；norareweawareifthatcelebratedsonofThespisisamarriedman。”’DucksandGreen-peas’isinformed，thatwhenAplayshisrooktoB’ssecondKnight’ssquare，andB，movingtwosquareswithhisQueen’spawn，giveschecktohisadversary’sQueen，thereisnoreasonwhyB’sQueenshouldnottakeA’spawn，ifBbesoinclined。”’F。L。S。’WehaverepeatedlyansweredthequestionaboutMadameVestris:hermaidennamewasBartolozzi，andshemarriedthesonofCharlesMathews，thecelebratedcomedian。”’FairPlay。’ThebestamateurbilliardandecarteplayerinEngland，isCoxeTuggeridgeCoxe，Esq。，ofPortlandPlace，andTuggeridgeville:Jonathan，whoknowshisplay，canonlygivehimtwoinagameofahundred；and，atthecards，NOmanishissuperior。Verbumsap。”’ScipioAmericanus’isablockhead。”
IreadthisouttotheCountandTagrag，andbothofthemwonderedhowtheEditorofthattremendousFlare-upshouldgetsuchinformation；andbothagreedthattheBaron，whostillpiquedhimselfabsurdlyonhisplay，wouldbevastlyannoyedbyseeingmepreferredthustohimself。Wereadhimtheparagraph，andpreciouslyangryhewas。”Idis，”hecried，”thetables”(or”deDABELS，”ashecalledthem)，——”dehorriddabels；gomvizmetoLondon，anddryaslate-table，andIvillbeatyou。”Weallroaredatthis；andtheendofthedisputewas，that，justtosatisfythefellow，IagreedtoplayhisExcellencyatslate-tables，oranytableshechose。”Gut，”sayshe，”gut；Ilif，youknow，atAbednego’s，indeQuadrant；hisdabelsisgoot；vevillblaydere，ifyouvill。”AndIsaidIwould:anditwasagreedthat，oneSaturdaynight，whenJemmywasattheOpera，weshouldgototheBaron’srooms，andgivehimachance。
Wewent，andthelittleBaronhadasfineasupperaseverIsaw:
lotsofChampang(andIdidn’tminddrinkingit)，andplentyoflaughingandfun。Afterwards，downwewenttobilliards。”IsdishMistherCoxsh，deshelebratedplayer？”saysMr。Abednego，whowasintheroom，withoneortwogentlemenofhisownpersuasion，andseveralforeignnoblemen，dirty，snuffy，andhairy，asthemforeignersare。”IsdishMistherCoxsh？bleshmyhart，itisahonortoseeyou；Ihaveheardsomuchofyourplay。””Come，come，”saysI，”sir”——forI’mprettywideawake——”noneofyourgammon；you’renotgoingtobookME。””No，begar，disfishyounotcatch，”saysCountMace。”Datisgut！——haw！haw！”snortedtheBaron。”Hookhim！LieberHimmel，youmightdryandhookmeaswell。Haw！haw！”
Well，wewenttoplay。”FivetofouronCoxe，”screamsouttheCount——”Doneanddone，”saysanothernobleman。”Ponays，”saystheCount——”Done，”saysthenobleman。”Ivilltakeyoursixcrownstofour，”saystheBaron——”Done，”saysI。And，inthetwinklingofaneye，Ibeathimoncemakingthirteenofftheballswithoutstopping。
Wehadsomemorewineafterthis；andifyoucouldhaveseenthelongfacesoftheothernoblemen，astheypulledouttheirpencilsandwroteI。O。U。’sfortheCount！”Vatoujours，moncher，”sayshetome，”youhavevonformethreehundredpounds。””I’llblayyouguineasdistime，”saystheBaron。”Zeventofouryoumustgivemethough。”AndsoIdid:andintenminutesTHAT
gamewaswon，andtheBaronhandedoverhispounds。”Twohundredandsixtymore，mydear，dearCoxe，”saystheCount:”youaremonangegardien！””WotaflatMistherCoxshis，nottobackhisluck，”IhoardAbednegowhispertooneoftheforeignnoblemen。”I’lltakeyourseventofour，intens，”saidItotheBaron。”Givemethree，”sayshe，”anddone。”Igavehimthree，andlostthegamebyone。”Dobbel，orquits，”sayshe。”Goit，”saysI，uptomymettle:”SamCoxeneversaysno；”andtoitwewent。Iwentin，andscoredeighteentohisfive。”HolyMoshesh！”saysAbednego，”datlittleCoxshisavonder！who’lltakeodds？””I’llgivetwentytoone，”saysI，”inguineas。””Ponays；yase，done，”screamsouttheCount。”BONIES，done，”roarsouttheBaron:and，beforeIcouldspeak，wentin，and——wouldyoubelieveit？——intwominuteshesomehowmadethegame！……
Oh，whatafigureIcutwhenmydearJemmyheardofthisafterwards！
InvainIsworeitwasguineas:theCountandtheBaronsworetoponies；andwhenIrefused，theybothsaidtheirhonorwasconcerned，andtheymusthavemylife，ortheirmoney。SowhentheCountshowedmeactuallythat，inspiteofthisbet(whichhadbeentoogoodtoresist)wonfromme，hehadbeenaveryheavyloserbythenight；andbroughtmethewordofhonorofAbednego，hisJewishfriend，andtheforeignnoblemen，thatponieshadbeenbetted；——why，Ipaidthemonethousandpoundssterlingofgoodandlawfulmoney——ButI’venotplayedformoneysince:no，no；catchmeatTHATagainifyoucan。
ANEWDROP-SCENEATTHEOPERA。
NoladyisaladywithouthavingaboxattheOpera:somyJemmy，whoknewasmuchaboutmusic，——blessher！——asIdoaboutSanscrit，algebra，oranyotherforeignlanguage，tookaprimeboxonthesecondtier。Itwaswhattheycalledadoublebox；itreallyCOULD
holdtwo，thatis，verycomfortably；andwegotitagreatbargain——
forfivehundredayear！Here，TuesdaysandSaturdays，weusedregularlytotakeourplaces，JemmyandJemimarannsittinginfront；me，behind:butasmydearwifeusedtowearalargefantailgauzehatwithostrichfeathers，birds-of-paradise，artificialflowers，andtagsofmuslinorsatin，scatteredalloverit，I’mblestifshedidn’tfillthewholeofthefrontofthebox；anditwasonlybyjumpinganddodging，threeorfourtimesinthecourseofthenight，thatIcouldmanagetogetasightoftheactors。Bykneelingdown，andlookingsteadyundermydarlingJemmy’ssleeve，IDIDcontrive，everynowandthen，tohaveapeepofSeniorLablash’sboots，inthe”Puritanny，”andonceactuallysawMadameGreasi’scrownandhead-dressin”Annybalony。”
WhataplacethatOperais，tobesure！andwhatenjoymentsusaristocracyusedtohave！Justasyouhaveswalloweddownyourthreecourses(threecursesIusedtocallthem；——forso，indeed，theyare，causingadealofheartburns，headaches，doctor’sbills，pills，wantofsleep，andsuchlike)——just，Isay，asyougetdownyourthreecourses，whichIdefyanymantoenjoyproperlyunlesshehastwohoursofdrinkandquietafterwards，upcomesthecarriage，inburstsmyJemmy，asfineasaduchess，andscentedlikeourshop。”Come，mydear，”saysshe，”it’s’Normy’to——night”
(or”Annybalony，”orthe”NoseydiFigaro，”orthe”Gazzylarder，”
asthecasemaybe)。”Mr。Fosterstrikesoffpunctuallyateight，andyouknowit’sthefashiontobealwayspresentattheveryfirstbaroftheaperture。”Andsooffweareobligedtobudge，tobemiserableforfivehours，andtohaveaheadacheforthenexttwelve，andallbecauseit’sthefashion！
Aftertheaperture，astheycallit，comestheopera，which，asI
amgiventounderstand，istheItalianforsinging。WhytheyshouldsinginItalian，Ican’tconceive；orwhytheyshoulddonothingBUTsing。Blessus！howIusedtolongforthewoodenmagpieinthe”Gazzylarder”toflyuptothetopofthechurch-
steeple，withthesilverspoons，andseethechapswiththepitchforkscomeinandcarryoffthatwickedDonJune。NotthatI
don’tadmireLablash，andRubini，andhisbrother，Tomrubini:himwhohasthatfinebassvoice，Imean，andactstheCorporalinthefirstpiece，andDonJuneinthesecond；butthreehoursisaLITTLEtoomuch，foryoucan’tsleeponthoselittlericketyseatsintheboxes。
Theoperaisbadenough；butwhatisthattothebally？YouSHOULD
haveseenmyJemmythefirstnightwhenshestoppedtoseeit；andwhenMadamsallsFannyandTheresaHustlercameforward，alongwithagentleman，todance，youshouldhaveseenhowJemmystared，andourgirlblushed，whenMadamsallFanny，comingforward，stoodonthetipsofonlyfiveofhertoes，andraisinguptheotherfive，andthefootbelongingtothem，almosttohershoulder，twirledround，andround，andround，likeateetotum，foracoupleofminutesormore；andasshesettleddown，atlast，onbothfeet，inanaturaldecentposture，youshouldhaveheardhowthehouseroaredwithapplause，theboxesclappingwithalltheirmight，andwavingtheirhandkerchiefs；thepitshouting，”Bravo！”Somepeople，who，Isuppose，wereratherangryatsuchanexhibition，threwbunchesofflowersather；andwhatdoyouthinkshedid？
Why，hangme，ifshedidnotcomeforward，asthoughnothinghadhappened，gatherupthethingstheyhadthrownather，smile，pressthemtoherheart，andbeginwhirlingroundagainfasterthanever。
Talkaboutcoolness，IneversawsuchinallMYborndays。”Nastything！”saysJemmy，startingupinafury；”ifwomenWILL
actso，itservesthemrighttobetreatedso。””Oh，yes！sheactsbeautifully，”saysourfriendhisExcellency，whoalongwithBaronvonPunterandTagrag，usedveryseldomtomisscomingtoourbox。”Shemayactverybeautifully，Munseer，butshedon’tdressso；andIamverygladtheythrewthatorange-peelandallthosethingsather，andthatthepeoplewavedtohertogetoff。”
HerehisExcellency，andtheBaronandTag，setuparoaroflaughter。”MydearMrs。Coxe，”saysTag，”thosearethemostfamousdancersintheworld；andwethrowmyrtle，geraniums，andliliesandrosesatthem，intokenofourimmenseadmiration！””Well，Inever！”saidmywife；andpoorJemimarannslunkbehindthecurtain，andlookedasredasitalmost。Aftertheonehaddonethenextbegun；butwhen，allofasudden，asomebodycameskippingandboundingin，likeanIndian-rubberball，flingingitselfup，atleastsixfeetfromthestage，andthereshakingaboutitslegslikemad，weweremoreastonishedthanever！”That’sAnatole，”saysoneofthegentlemen。”Annawho？”saysmywife；andshemightwellbemistaken:forthispersonhadahatandfeathers，abareneckandarms，greatblackringlets，andalittlecalicofrock，whichcamedowntotheknees。”Anatole。Youwouldnotthinkhewassixty-threeyearsold，he’sasactiveasamanoftwenty。””HE！”shriekedoutmywife；”what，isthatthereaman？Forshame！
Munseer。Jemimarann，dear，getyourcloak，andcomealong；andI’llthankyou，mydear，tocallourpeople，andletusgohome。”
Youwouldn’tthink，afterthis，thatmyJemmy，whohadshownsuchahorroratthebally，astheycallit，shouldevergrowaccustomedtoit；butshelikedtohearhernameshoutedoutinthecrush-
room，andsowouldstoptilltheendofeverything；and，lawblessyou！inthreeweeksfromthattime，shecouldlookattheballetasshewouldatadancing-doginthestreets，andwouldbringherdouble-barrelledopera-glassuptohereyesascoollyasifshehadbeenabornduchess。Asforme，IdidatRomeasRomedoes；andpreciousfunitusedtobe，sometimes。
MyfriendtheBaroninsistedonenightonmygoingbehindthescenes；where，beingasubscriber，hesaidIhadwhattheycallmyONTRAY。Behind，then，Iwent；andsuchaplaceyouneversawnorheardof！Fancylotsofyoungandoldgentsofthefashioncrowdingroundandstaringattheactressespractisingtheirsteps。
Fancyyellowsnuffyforeigners，chatteringalways，andsmellingfearfullyoftobacco。FancyscoresofJews，withhooked-nosesandblackmuzzles，coveredwithrings，chains，shamdiamonds，andgoldwaistcoats。Fancyoldmendressedinoldnightgowns，withknock-
knees，anddirtyflesh-coloredcottonstockings，anddabsofbrick-
dustontheirwrinkledoldchops，andtow-wigs(suchwigs！)forthebaldones，andgreattinspearsintheirhandsmayhap，orelseshepherds’crooks，andfustygarlandsofflowersmadeofredandgreenbaize。Fancytroopsofgirlsgiggling，chattering，pushingtoandfro，amidstoldblackcanvas，Gothichalls，thrones，pasteboardCupids，dragons，andsuchlike。Suchdirt，darkness，crowd，confusionandgabbleofallconceivablelanguageswasneverknown！
IfyouCOULDbuthaveseenMunseerAnatole！Insteadoflookingtwenty，helookedathousand。Theoldman’swigwasoff，andabarberwasgivingitatouchwiththetongs；Munseerwastakingsnuffhimself，andaboywasstandingbywithapintofbeerfromthepublic-houseatthecornerofCharlesStreet。
Imetwithalittleaccidentduringthethree-quartersofanhourwhichtheyallowfortheentertainmentofusmenoffashiononthestage，beforethecurtaindrawsupforthebally，whiletheladiesintheboxesaregaping，andthepeopleinthepitaredrummingwiththeirfeetandcanesintherudestmannerpossible，asthoughtheycouldn’twait。
Justatthemomentbeforethelittlebellringsandthecurtainfliesup，andwescuffleofftothesides(forwealwaysstaytilltheverylastmoment)，Iwasinthemiddleofthestage，makingmyselfveryaffabletothefairfiggerantyswhichwasspinningandtwirlingaboutme，andaskingthemiftheywasn’tcold，andsuchlikepoliteness，inthemostcondescendingwaypossible，whenaboltwassuddenlywithdrawn，anddownIpopped，throughatrapinthestage，intotheplacebelow。LuckilyIwasstoppedbyapieceofmachinery，consistingofaheapofgreenblanketsandayoungladycomingupasVenusrisingfromthesea。IfIhadnotfallensosoft，Idon’tknowwhatmighthavebeentheconsequenceofthecollusion。InevertoldMrs。Coxe，forshecan’tbeartohearofmypayingtheleastattentiontothefairsex。
STRIKINGABALANCE。
Nextdoortous，inPortlandPlace，livedtheRightHonorabletheEarlofKilblazes，ofKilmacrasyCastle，CountyKildare，andhismothertheDowagerCountess。LadyKilblazeshadadaughter，LadyJulianaMatildaMacTurk，oftheexactageofourdearJemimarann；
andason，theHonorableArthurWellingtonAngleseaBlucherBulowMacTurk，onlytenmonthsolderthanourboyTug。
MydarlingJemmyisawomanofspirit，and，asbecomeherstation，madeeverypossibleattempttobecomeacquaintedwiththeDowagerCountessofKilblazes，whichherladyship(because，forsooth，shewasthedaughteroftheMinister，andPrinceofWales’sgreatfriend，theEarlofPortansherry)thoughtfittoreject。Idon’twonderatmyJemmygrowingsoangrywithher，anddetermining，ineveryway，toputherladyshipdown。TheKilblazes’estateisnotsolargeastheTuggeridgepropertybytwothousandayearatleast；andsomywife，whenourneighborskeptonlytwofootmen，wasquiteauthorizedinhavingthree；andshemadeitapoint，assoonasevertheKilblazes’carriage-and-paircameround，tohaveoutherowncarriage-and-four。
Well，ourboxwasnexttotheirsattheOpera；onlytwiceasbig。
WhatevermasterswenttoLadyJuliana，cametomyJemimarann；andwhatdoyouthinkJemmydid？shegothercelebratedgoverness，MadamedeFlicflac，awayfromtheCountess，byofferingadoublesalary。Itwasquiteatreasure，theysaid，tohaveMadameFlicflac:shehadbeen(tosupportherfather，theCount，whenheemigrated)aFRENCHdancerattheITALIANOpera。Frenchdancing，andItalian，therefore，wehadatonce，andinthebeststyle:itisastonishinghowquickandwellsheusedtospeak——theFrenchespecially。
MasterArthurMacTurkwasatthefamousschooloftheReverendClementCoddler，alongwithahundredandtenotheryoungfashionables，fromtheageofthreetofifteen；andtothisestablishmentJemmysentourTug，addingfortyguineastothehundredandtwentypaideveryyearfortheboarders。IthinkI
foundoutthedearsoul’sreason；for，oneday，speakingabouttheschooltoamutualacquaintanceofoursandtheKilblazes，shewhisperedtohimthat”sheneverwouldhavethoughtofsendingherdarlingboyattheratewhichhernext-doorneighborspaid；THEIR
lad，shewassure，mustbestarved:however，poorpeople，theydidthebesttheycouldontheirincome！”
Coddler’s，infact，wasthetip-topschoolnearLondon:hehadbeentutortotheDukeofBuckminster，whohadsethimupintheschool，and，asItellyou，allthepeerageandrespectablecommonerscametoit。Youreadinthebill，(thesnopsis，Ithink，Coddlercalledit，)aftertheaccountofthechargesforboard，masters，extras，&c——”Everyyoungnobleman(orgentleman)isexpectedtobringaknife，fork，spoon，andgobletofsilver(topreventbreakage)，whichwillnotbereturned；adressing-gownandslippers；toilet-
box，pomatum，curling-irons，&c。&c。ThepupilmustonNOACCOUNT
beallowedtohavemorethantenguineasofpocket-money，unlesshisparentsparticularlydesireit，orhebeabovefifteenyearsofage。WINEwillbeanextracharge；asarewarm，vapor，anddouchebaths。CARRIAGEEXERCISEwillbeprovidedattherateoffifteenguineasperquarter。ItisEARNESTLYREQUESTEDthatnoyoungnobleman(orgentleman)beallowedtosmoke。InaplacedevotedtoTHECULTIVATIONOFPOLITELITERATURE，suchanignobleenjoymentwereprofane。”CLEMENTCODDLER，M。A。，”ChaplainandlatetutortohisGracetheDukeofBuckminster。”MOUNTPARNASSUS，RICHMOND，SURREY。”
TothisestablishmentourTugwassent。”Recollect，mydear，”saidhismamma，”thatyouareaTuggeridgebybirth，andthatIexpectyoutobeatalltheboysintheschool；especiallythatWellingtonMacTurk，who，thoughheisalord’sson，isnothingtoyou，whoaretheheirofTuggeridgeville。”
Tugwasasmartyoungfellowenough，andcouldcutandcurlaswellasanyyoungchapofhisage:hewasnotabadhandatawigeither，andcouldshave，too，veryprettily；butthatwasintheoldtime，whenwewerenotgreatpeople:whenhecametobeagentleman，hehadtolearnLatinandGreek，andhadadealoflosttimetomakeupfor，ongoingtoschool。
However，wehadnofear；fortheReverendMr。Coddlerusedtosendmonthlyaccountsofhispupil’sprogress，andifTugwasnotawonderoftheworld，Idon’tknowwhowas。ItwasGeneralbehaviorexcellent。
Englishverygood。
Frenchtresbien。
Latinoptime。
Andsoon:——hepossessedallthevirtues，andwrotetouseverymonthformoney。MydearJemmyandIdeterminedtogoandseehim，afterhehadbeenatschoolaquarter；wewent，andwereshownbyMr。Coddler，oneofthemeekest，smilingestlittlemenIeversaw，intothebedroomsandeating-rooms(thedromitariesandrefractorieshecalledthem)，whichwereallascomfortableascomfortablemightbe。”Itisaholiday，today，”saidMr。Coddler；andaholidayitseemedtobe。Inthedining-roomwerehalfadozenyounggentlemenplayingatcards(”Alltip-topnobility，”observedMr。Coddler)；——inthebedroomstherewasonlyonegent:hewaslyingonhisbed，readingnovelsandsmokingcigars。”Extraordinarygenius！”whisperedCoddler。”HonorableTomFitz-Warter，cousinofLordByron’s；
smokesallday；andhaswrittentheSWEETESTpoemsyoucanimagine。
Genius，mydearmadam，youknow——geniusmusthaveitsway。””Well，UPONmyword，”saysJemmy，”ifthat’sgenius，IhadratherthatMasterTuggeridgeCoxeTuggeridgeremainedadullfellow。””Impossible，mydearmadam，”saidCoddler。”Mr。TuggeridgeCoxeCOULDN’TbestupidifheTRIED。”
JustthenupcomesLordClaudeLollypop，thirdsonoftheMarquisofAllycompane。Wewereintroducedinstantly:”LordClaudeLollypop，Mr。andMrs。Coxe。”Thelittlelordwaggedhishead，mywifebowedverylow，andsodidMr。Coddler；who，ashesawmylordmakingfortheplayground，beggedhimtoshowustheway——”Comealong，”saysmylord；andashewalkedbeforeus，whistling，wehadleisuretoremarkthebeautifulholesinhisjacket，andelsewhere。
Abouttwentyyoungnoblemen(andgentlemen)weregatheredroundapastry-cook’sshopattheendofthegreen。”That’sthegrub-
shop，”saidmylord，”whereweyounggentlemenwothasmoneybuysourwittles，andthemyounggentlemenwothasnone，goestick。”
Thenwepassedapoorred-hairedushersittingonabenchalone。”That’sMr。Hicks，theHusher，ma’am，”saysmylord。”Wekeephim，forhe’sveryusefultothrowstonesat，andhekeepsthechaps’
coatswhenthere’safight，oragameatcricket——Well，Hicks，how’syourmother？what’stherownow？””Ibelieve，mylord，”saidtheusher，verymeekly，”thereisapugilisticencountersomewhereonthepremises——theHonorableMr。Mac——””Oh！COMEalong，”saidLordLollypop，”comealong:thisway，ma’am！
Goit，yecripples！”AndmylordpulledmydearJemmy’sgowninthekindestandmostfamiliarway，shetrottingonafterhim，mightilypleasedtobesotakennoticeof，andIafterher。A
littleboywentrunningacrossthegreen。”Whoisit，Petitoes？”
screamsmylord。”Turkandthebarber，”pipesPetitoes，andrunstothepastry-cook’slikemad。”Turkandtheba——，”laughsoutmylord，lookingatus。”HURRA！THISway，ma’am！”Andturningroundacorner，heopenedadoorintoacourt-yard，whereanumberofboyswerecollected，andagreatnoiseofshrillvoicesmightbeheard。”Goit，Turk！”saysone。”Goit，barber！”saysanother。”PUNCHHITHLIFEOUT！”roarsanother，whosevoicewasjustcracked，andhisclotheshalfayardtooshortforhim！
Fancyourhorrorwhen，onthecrowdmakingway，wesawTugpummellingawayattheHonorableMasterMacTurk！MydearJemmy，whodon’tunderstandsuchthings，pounceduponthetwoatonce，and，withonehandtearingawayTug，senthimspinningbackintothearmsofhisseconds，while，withtheother，sheclawedholdofMasterMacTurk’sredhair，and，assoonasshegothersecondhandfree，bangeditabouthisfaceandearslikeagoodone。”Younasty——wicked——quarrelsome——aristocratic”(eachwordwasabang)——”aristocratic——oh！oh！oh！”——Herethewordsstopped；forwhatwiththeagitation，maternalsolicitude，andadreadfulkickontheshinswhich，Iamashamedtosay，MasterMacTurkadministered，mydearJemmycouldbearitnolonger，andsunkfaintingawayinmyarms。
DOWNATBEULAH。
Althoughtherewasaregularcutbetweenthenext-doorpeopleandus，yetTugandtheHonorableMasterMacTurkkeptuptheiracquaintanceovertheback-gardenwall，andinthestables，wheretheywerefighting，makingfriends，andplayingtricksfrommorningtonight，duringtheholidays。Indeed，itwasfromyoungMacthatwefirstheardofMadamedeFlicflac，ofwhommyJemmyrobbedLadyKilblazes，asIbeforehaverelated。WhenourfriendtheBaronfirstsawMadame，averytendergreetingpassedbetweenthem；fortheyhad，asitappeared，beenoldfriendsabroad。”Sapristie，”
saidtheBaron，inhislingo，”quefais-tuici，Amenaide？””Ettoi，monpauvreChicot，”saysshe，”est-cequ’ont’amisalaretraite？Ilparaitquetun’esplusGeneralchezFranco——”
CHUT！”saystheBaron，puttinghisfingertohislips。”Whataretheysaying，mydear？”saysmywifetoJemimarann，whohadaprettyknowledgeofthelanguagebythistime。”Idon’tknowwhat’Sapristie’means，mamma；buttheBaronaskedMadamewhatshewasdoinghere？andMadamesaid，’Andyou，Chicot，youarenomoreaGeneralatFranco。’——HaveInottranslatedrightly，Madame？””Oui，monchou，monange。Yase，myangel，mycabbage，quiteright。
Figureyourself，IhaveknownmydearChicotdistwentyyears。””Chicotismynameofbaptism，”saystheBaron；”BaronChicotdePunterismyname。””AndbeingaGeneralatFranco，”saysJemmy，”means，Isuppose，beingaFrenchGeneral？””Yes，Ivas，”saidhe，”GeneralBarondePunter——n’est’apas，Amenaide？””Oh，yes！”saidMadameFlicflac，andlaughed；andIandJemmylaughedoutofpoliteness:andaprettylaughingmatteritwas，asyoushallhear。
AboutthistimemyJemmybecameoneoftheLady-Patronessesofthatadmirableinstitution，”TheWasherwoman’s-Orphans’Home；”LadydeSudleywasthegreatprojectorofit；andthemanagerandchaplain，theexcellentandReverendSidneySlopper。Hissalary，aschaplain，andthatofDoctorLeitch，thephysician(bothcousinsofherladyship’s)，drewawayfivehundredpoundsfromthesixsubscribedtotheCharity:andLadydeSudleythoughtafeteatBeulahSpa，withtheaidofsomeoftheforeignprinceswhowereintownlastyear，mightbringalittlemoremoneyintoitstreasury。
Atenderappealwasaccordinglydrawnup，andpublishedinallthepapers:——”APPEAL。”BRITISHWASHERWOMAN’S-ORPHANS’HOME。”The’Washerwoman’s-Orphans’Home’hasnowbeenestablishedsevenyears:andthegoodwhichithaseffectedis，itmaybeconfidentlystated，INCALCULABLE。Ninety-eightorphanchildrenofWasherwomenhavebeenlodgedwithinitswalls。OnehundredandtwoBritishWasherwomenhavebeenrelievedwheninthelaststateofdecay。
ONEHUNDREDANDNINETY-EIGHTTHOUSANDarticlesofmaleandfemaledresshavebeenwashed，mended，buttoned，ironed，andmangledintheEstablishment。And，byanarrangementwiththegovernorsoftheFoundling，itishopedthatTHEBABY-LINENOFTHATHOSPITAL
willbeconfidedtotheBritishWasherwoman’sHome！”Withsuchprospectsbeforeit，isitnotsad，isitnotlamentabletothink，thatthePatronessesoftheSocietyhavebeencompelledtorejecttheapplicationsofnolessthanTHREETHOUSANDEIGHT
HUNDREDANDONEBRITISHWASHERWOMEN，fromlackofmeansfortheirsupport？LadiesofEngland！MothersofEngland！toyouweappeal。
Isthereoneofyouthatwillnotrespondtothecryinbehalfofthesedeservingmembersofoursex？”IthasbeendeterminedbytheLadies-PatronessestogiveafeteatBeulahSpa，onThursday，July25；whichwillbegracedwiththefirstforeignandnativeTALENT；bythefirstforeignandnativeRANK；andwheretheybegfortheattendanceofeveryWASHERWOMAN’S
FRIEND。”
HerHighnessthePrincessofSchloppenzollernschwigmaringen，theDukeofSacks-Tubbingen，HisExcellencyBaronStrumpff，HisExcellencyLootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah，thePersianAmbassador，PrinceFuttee-Jaw，EnvoyfromtheKingofOude，HisExcellencyDonAlonzodiCachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castanete，theSpanishAmbassador，CountRavioli，fromMilan，theEnvoyoftheRepublicofTopinambo，andahostofotherfashionables，promisedtohonorthefestival:andtheirnamesmadeafamousshowinthebills。Besidesthese，wehadthecelebratedbandofMoscow-musiks，theseventy-sevenTransylvaniantrumpeters，andthefamousBohemianMinnesingers；withalltheleadingartistsofLondon，Paris，theContinent，andtherestofEurope。
IleaveyoutofancywhatasplendidtriumphfortheBritishWasherwoman’sHomewastocomeoffonthatday。Abeautifultentwaserected，inwhichtheLadies-Patronessesweretomeet:itwashungroundwithspecimensoftheskillofthewasherwomen’sorphans；ninety-sixofwhomweretobefeastedinthegardens，andwaitedonbytheLadies-Patronesses。
Well，Jemmyandmydaughter，MadamedeFlicflac，myself，theCount，BaronPunter，Tug，andTagrag，allwentdowninthechariotandbarouche-and-four，quiteeclipsingpoorLadyKilblazesandhercarriage-and-two。
Therewasafinecoldcollation，towhichthefriendsoftheLadies-Patronesseswereadmitted；afterwhich，myladiesandtheirbeauxwentstrollingthroughthewalks；TagragandtheCounthavingeachanarmofJemmy；theBarongivinganarmapiecetoMadameandJemimarann。Whilsttheywerewalking，whomshouldtheylightuponbutpoorOrlandoCrump，mysuccessorintheperfumeryandhair-
cutting。”Orlando！”saysJemimarann，blushingasredasalabel，andholdingoutherhand。”Jemimar！”sayshe，holdingouthis，andturningaswhiteaspomatum。”SIR！”saysJemmy，asstatelyasaduchess。”What！madam，”sayspoorCrump，”don’tyourememberyourshopboy？””Dearestmamma，don’tyourecollectOrlando？”whimpersJemimarann，whosehandhehadgotholdof。”MissTuggeridgeCoxe，”saysJemmy，”I’msurprisedofyou。
Remember，sir，thatourpositionisaltered，andobligemebynomorefamiliarity。””Insolentfellow！”saystheBaron，”vatisdiscanaille？””Canalyourself，Mounseer，”saysOrlando，nowgrownquitefurious:
hebrokeaway，quiteindignant，andwassoonlostinthecrowd。
Jemimarann，assoonashewasgone，begantolookverypaleandill；andhermamma，therefore，tookhertoatent，wheresheleftheralongwithMadameFlicflacandtheBaron；goingoffherselfwiththeothergentlemen，inordertojoinus。
Itappearstheyhadnotbeenseatedverylong，whenMadameFlicflacsuddenlysprungup，withanexclamationofjoy，andrushedforwardtoafriendwhomshesawpass。
TheBaronwasleftalonewithJemimarann；and，whetheritwasthechampagne，orthatmydeargirllookedmorethancommonlypretty，I
don’tknow；butMadameFlicflachadnotbeengoneaminute，whentheBarondroppedonhisknees，andmadeheraregulardeclaration。
PoorOrlandoCrumphadfoundmeoutbythistime，andwasstandingbymyside，listening，asmelancholyaspossible，tothefamousBohemianMinnesingers，whoweresingingthecelebratedwordsofthepoetGothy:——”Ichbinyahupplilylee，dubistyahupplilylee。
Wirsinddochhupplilylee，hupplalilylee。””Chorus——Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odlehupp！yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o！”
Theywerestandingwiththeirhandsintheirwaistcoats，asusual，andhadjustcometothe”o-o-o，”attheendofthechorusoftheforty-seventhstanza，whenOrlandostarted:”That’sascream！”sayshe。”Indeeditis，”saysI；”and，butforthefashionofthething，averyuglyscreamtoo:”whenIheardanothershrill”Oh！”
asIthought；andOrlandoboltedoff，crying，”Byheavens，it’sHER
voice！””Whosevoice？”saysI。”Comeandseetherow，”saysTag。
Andoffwewent，withaconsiderablenumberofpeople，whosawthisstrangemoveonhispart。
Wecametothetent，andtherewefoundmypoorJemimarannfainting；hermammaholdingasmelling-bottle；theBaron，ontheground，holdingahandkerchieftohisbleedingnose；andOrlandosquaringathim，andcallingonhimtofightifhedared。
MyJemmylookedatCrumpveryfierce。”Takethatfelleraway，”
saysshe；”hehasinsultedaFrenchnobleman，anddeservestransportation，attheleast。”
PoorOrlandowascarriedoff。”I’venopatiencewiththelittleminx，”saysJemmy，givingJemimarannapinch。”ShemightbeaBaron’slady；andshescreamsoutbecausehisExcellencydidbutsqueezeherhand。””Oh，mamma！mamma！”sobspoorJemimarann，”buthewast-t-tipsy。””T-t-tipsy！andthemoreshameforyou，youhussy，tobeoffendedwithanoblemanwhodoesnotknowwhatheisdoing。”
ATOURNAMENT。”Isay，Tug，”saidMacTurk，onedaysoonafterourflareupatBeulah，”KilblazescomesofageinOctober，andthenwe’llcutyouout，asItoldyou:theoldbarberesswilldieofspitewhenshehearswhatwearegoingtodo。Whatdoyouthink？we’regoingtohaveatournament！””What’satournament？”saysTug，andsosaidhismammawhensheheardthenews；andwhensheknewwhatatournamentwas，Ithink，really，sheWASasangryasMacTurksaidshewouldbe，andgaveusnopeacefordaystogether。”What！”saysshe，”dressupinarmor，likeplay-actors，andrunateachotherwithspears？TheKilblazesmustbemad！”AndsoIthought，butI
didn’tthinktheTuggeridgeswouldbemadtoo，astheywere:for，whenJemmyheardthattheKilblazes’festivalwastobe，asyet，aprofoundsecret，whatdoesshedo，butsenddowntotheMorningPostaflamingaccountof”THEPASSAGEOFARMSATTUGGERIDGEVIILLE！”ThedaysofchivalryareNOTpast。ThefairCastellaneofT-gg-r-dgeville，whosesplendidentertainmentshavesooftenbeenalludedtointhispaper，hasdeterminedtogiveone，whichshallexceedinsplendoreventhemagnificenceoftheMiddleAges。Wearenotatlibertytosaymore；butatournament，atwhichHisEx-l-ncyB-r-ndeP-nt-randThomasT-gr-g，Esq。，eldestsonofSirTh——sT-gr-g，aretobetheknights-defendantsagainstallcomers；aQUEEN
OFBEAUTY，ofwhoselovelinesseveryfrequenteroffashionhasfeltthepower；abanquet，unexampledintheannalsofGunter；andaball，inwhichtherecollectionsofancientchivalrywillblendsweetlywiththesofttonesofWeippertandCollinet，areamongtheentertainmentswhichtheLadyeofT-gg-ridgevillehaspreparedforherdistinguishedguests。”
TheBaronwasthelifeofthescheme；helongedtobeonhorseback，andinthefieldatTuggeridgeville，wherehe，Tagrag，andanumberofourfriendspractised:hewastheverybesttilterpresent；hevaultedoverhishorse，andplayedsuchwonderfulantics，asneverweredoneexceptatDucrow’s。
Andnow——ohthatIhadtwentypages，insteadofthisshortchapter，todescribethewondersoftheday！——Twenty-fourknightscamefromAshley’sattwoguineasahead。WewereinhopestohavehadMissWoolfordinthecharacterofJoanofArc，butthatladydidnotappear。Wehadatentforthechallengers，ateachsideofwhichhungwhattheycalledESCOACHINGS，(likehatchments，whichtheyputupwhenpeopledie，)andunderneathsattheirpages，holdingtheirhelmetsforthetournament。Tagragwasinbrassarmor(myCityconnectionsgothimthatfamoussuit)；hisExcellencyinpolishedsteel。Mywifeworeacoronet，modelledexactlyafterthatofQueenCatharine，in”HenryV。；”atightgiltjacket，whichsetoffdearJemmy’sfigurewonderfully，andatrainofatleastfortyfeet。DearJemimarannwasinwhite，herhairbraidedwithpearls。
MadamedeFlicflacappearedasQueenElizabeth；andLadyBlancheBluenoseasaTurkishprincess。AnaldermanofLondonandhislady；twomagistratesofthecounty，andtheverypinkofCroydon；
severalPolishnoblemen；twoItaliancounts(besidesourCount)；
onehundredandtenyoungofficers，fromAddiscombeCollege，infulluniform，commandedbyMajor-GeneralSirMilesMulligatawney，K。C。B。，andhislady；theMissesPimminy’sFinishingEstablishment，andfourteenyoungladies，allinwhite:theReverendDoctorWapshot，andforty-nineyounggentlemen，ofthefirstfamilies，underhischarge——wereSOMEonlyofthecompany。Ileaveyoutofancythat，ifmyJemmydidseekforfashion，shehadenoughofitonthisoccasion。Theywantedmetohavemountedagain，butmyhunting-dayhadbeensufficient；besides，Iain’tbigenoughforarealknight:so，asMrs。CoxeinsistedonmyopeningtheTournament——andIknewitwasinvaintoresist——theBaronandTagraghadundertakentoarrangesothatImightcomeoffwithsafety，ifIcameoffatall。TheyhadprocuredfromtheStrandTheatreafamousstudofhobby-horses，whichtheytoldmehadbeentrainedfortheuseofthegreatLordBateman。Ididnotknowexactlywhattheyweretilltheyarrived；butastheyhadbelongedtoalord，Ithoughtitwasallright，andconsented；andIfounditthebestsortofriding，afterall，toappeartobeonhorsebackandwalksafelya-footatthesametime；anditwasimpossibletocomedownaslongasIkeptonmyownlegs:besides，IcouldcuffandpullmysteedaboutasmuchasIliked，withoutfearofhisbitingorkickinginreturn。AsLordoftheTournament，theyplacedinmyhandsalance，ornamentedspirally，inblueandgold:
Ithoughtofthepoleovermyoldshopdoor，andalmostwishedmyselfthereagain，asIcapereduptothebattleinmyhelmetandbreastplate，withallthetrumpetsblowinganddrumsbeatingatthetime。CaptainTagragwasmyopponent，andpreciouslywepokedeachother，till，prancingabout，Iputmyfootonmyhorse’spetticoatbehind，anddownIcame，gettingathrustfromtheCaptain，atthesametime，thatalmostbrokemyshoulder-bone。”Thiswassufficient，”theysaid，”forthelawsofchivalry；”andIwasgladtogetoffso。
Afterthatthegentlemenriders，ofwhomtherewerenolessthanseven，incompletearmor，andtheprofessionals，nowranatthering；andtheBaronwasfar，farthemostskilful。”HowsweetlythedearBaronrides，”saidmywife，whowasalwaysoglingathim，smirking，smiling，andwavingherhandkerchieftohim。”Isay，Sam，”saysaprofessionaltooneofhisfriends，as，aftertheircourse，theycamecanteringup，andrangedunderJemmy’sbower，asshecalledit:——”Isay，Sam，I’mblowedifthatchapinharmermustn’thavebeenoneofhus。”AndthisonlymadeJemmythemorepleased；forthefactis，theBaronhadchosenthebestwayofwinningJemimarannbycourtinghermother。
TheBaronwasdeclaredconqueroratthering；andJemmyawardedhimtheprize，awreathofwhiteroses，whichsheplacedonhislance；
hereceivingitgracefully，andbowing，untiltheplumesofhishelmetmingledwiththemaneofhischarger，whichbackedtotheotherendofthelists；thengallopingbacktotheplacewhereJemimarannwasseated，hebeggedhertoplaceitonhishelmet。
Thepoorgirlblushedverymuch，anddidso。Asallthepeoplewereapplauding，Tagragrushedup，and，layinghishandontheBaron’sshoulder，whisperedsomethinginhisear，whichmadetheotherveryangry，Isuppose，forheshookhimoffviolently。”Chacunpoursoi，”sayshe，”MonsieurdeTaguerague，”——whichmeans，Iamtold，”Everymanforhimself。”Andthenherodeaway，throwinghislanceintheair，catchingit，andmakinghishorsecaperandprance，totheadmirationofallbeholders。
Afterthiscamethe”PassageofArms。”TagragandtheBaronrancoursesagainsttheotherchampions；ay，andunhorsedtwoapiece；
whereupontheotherthreerefusedtoturnout；andpreciouslywelaughedatthem，tobesure！”Now，it’sOURturn，Mr。CHICOT，”saysTagrag，shakinghisfistattheBaron:”looktoyourself，youinfernalmountebank，for，byJupiter，I’lldomybest！”AndbeforeJemmyandtherestofus，whowerequitebewildered，couldsayaword，thesetwofriendswerechargingaway，spearsinhand，readytokilleachother。InvainJemmyscreamed；invainIthrewdownmytruncheon:theyhadbrokentwopolesbeforeIcouldsay”JackRobinson，”andweredrivingateachotherwiththetwonewones。TheBaronhadtheworstofthefirstcourse，forhehadalmostbeencarriedoutofhissaddle。”Harkyou，Chicot！”screamedoutTagrag，”nexttimelooktoyourhead！”Andnexttime，sureenough，eachaimedattheheadoftheother。
Tagrag’sspearhittherightplace；foritcarriedofftheBaron’shelmet，plume，rose-wreathandall；buthisExcellencyhittruerstill——hislancetookTagragontheneck，andsenthimtothegroundlikeastone。”He’swon！he’swon！”saysJemmy，wavingherhandkerchief；
Jemimarannfainted，LadyBlanchescreamed，andIfeltsosickthatIthoughtIshoulddrop。Allthecompanywereinanuproar:onlytheBaronlookedcalm，andbowedverygracefully，andkissedhishandtoJemmy；when，allofasudden，aJewish-lookingmanspringingoverthebarrier，andfollowedbythreemore，rushedtowardstheBaron。”Keepthegate，Bob！”heholloasout。”Baron，Iarrestyou，atthesuitofSamuelLevison，for——”
Butheneversaidforwhat；shoutingout，”Aha！”and”Sapprrrristie！”
andIdon’tknowwhat，hisExcellencydrewhissword，dughisspursintohishorse，andwasoverthepoorbailiff，andoffbeforeanotherword。Hehadthreatenedtorunthroughoneofthebailiff’sfollowers，Mr。Stubbs，onlythatgentlemanmadewayforhim；andwhenwetookupthebailiff，andbroughthimroundbytheaidofalittlebrandy-and-water，hetoldusall。”Ihadawritagainshthim，MishterCoxsh，butIdidn’tvanttoshpoilshport；and，beshidesh，Ididn’tknowhimuntildeyknockedoffhisshteelcap！”……
Herewasaprettybusiness！
OVER-BOARDEDANDUNDER-LODGED。
WehadnogreatreasontobragofourtournamentatTuggeridgeville:
but，afterall，itwasbetterthantheturn-outatKilblazes，wherepoorLordHeydownderrywentaboutinablackvelvetdressing-gown，andtheEmperorNapoleonBonypartappearedinasuitofarmorandsilkstockings，likeMr。Pell’sfriendinPickwick；we，havingemployedthegentlemenfromAstley’sAntitheatre，hadsomedecentsportforourmoney。
WeneverheardawordfromtheBaron，whohadsodistinguishedhimselfbyhishorsemanship，andhadknockeddown(andveryjustly)
Mr。Nabb，thebailiff，andMr。Stubbs，hisman，whocametolayhandsuponhim。MysweetJemmyseemedtobeverylowinspiritsafterhisdeparture，andasadthingitistoseeherinlowspirits:ondaysofillnessshenomoremindsgivingJemimarannaboxontheear，orsendingaplateofmuffinsacrossatableatpoorme，thanshedoestakinghertea。
Jemmy，Isay，wasverylowinspirits；but，oneday(IrememberitwasthedayafterCaptainHigginscalled，andsaidhehadseentheBaronatBoulogne)，shevowedthatnothingbutchangeofairwoulddohergood，anddeclaredthatsheshoulddieunlessshewenttotheseasideinFrance。Iknewwhatthismeant，andthatImightaswellattempttoresistherastoresistherGraciousMajestyinParliamentassembled；soItoldthepeopletopackupthethings，andtookfourplacesonboardthe”GrandTurk”steamerforBoulogne。
Thetravelling-carriage，which，withJemmy’sthirty-sevenboxesandmycarpet-bag，wasprettywellloaded，wassentonboardthenightbefore；andwe，afterbreakfastinginPortlandPlace(littledidI
thinkitwasthe——but，poh！nevermind)，wentdowntotheCustomHouseintheothercarriage，followedbyahackney-coachandacab，withtheservants，andfourteenbandboxesandtrunksmore，whichweretobewantedbymydeargirlinthejourney。
TheroaddownCheapsideandThamesStreetneednotbedescribed:wesawtheMonument，amementoofthewickedPopishmassacreofSt。
Bartholomew；——whyerectedhereIcan’tthink，asSt。BartholomewisinSmithfield；——wehadaglimpseofBillingsgate，andoftheMansionHouse，wherewesawthetwo-and-twenty-shilling-coalsmokecomingoutofthechimneys，andwerelandedattheCustomHouseinsafety。Ifeltmelancholy，forweweregoingamongapeopleofswindlers，asallFrenchmenarethoughttobe；and，besidesnotbeingabletospeakthelanguage，leavingourowndearcountryandhonestcountrymen。
Fourteenporterscameout，andeachtookapackagewiththegreatestcivility；callingJemmyherladyship，andmeyourhonor；
ay，andyourhonoringandmyladyshippingevenmymanandthemaidinthecab。Isomehowfeltalloverquitemelancholyatgoingaway。”Here，myfinefellow，”saysItothecoachman，whowasstandingveryrespectful，holdinghishatinonehandandJemmy’sjewel-caseintheother——”Here，myfinechap，”saysI，”here’ssixshillingsforyou；”forIdidnotcareforthemoney。”Sixwhat？”sayshe。”Sixshillings，fellow，”shrieksJemmy，”andtwiceasmuchasyourfare。””Feller，marm！”saysthisinsolentcoachman。”Felleryourself，marm:doyouthinkI’ma-goingtokillmyhorses，andbreakmypreciousback，andbustmycarriage，andcarryyou，andyourkids，andyourtrapsforsixhog？”Andwiththisthemonsterdroppedhishat，withmymoneyinit，anddoublinghisfistputitsoverynearmynosethatIreallythoughthewouldhavemadeitbleed。”Myfare’sheighteenshillings，”sayshe，”hain’tit？——haskhanyofthesegentlemen。””Why，itain’tmorethanseventeen-and-six，”saysoneofthefourteenporters；”butifthegen’l’manISagen’l’man，hecan’tgivenolessthanasufferinganyhow。”
Iwantedtoresist，andJemmyscreamedlikeaTurk；but，”Holloa！”
saysone。”What’stherow？”saysanother。”Come，dubup！”roarsathird。AndIdon’tmindtellingyou，inconfidence，thatIwassofrightenedthatItookoutthesovereignandgaveit。MymanandJemmy’smaidhaddisappearedbythistime:theyalwaysdowhenthere’sarobberyorarowgoingon。
Iwasgoingafterthem。”Stop，Mr。Ferguson，”pipesayounggentlemanofaboutthirteen，witharedliverywaistcoatthatreachedtohisankles，andeveryvarietyofbutton，pin，string，tokeepittogether。”Stop，Mr。Heff，”sayshe，takingasmallpipeoutofhismouth，”anddon’tforgitthecabman。””What’syourfare，mylad？”saysI。”Why，let’ssee——yes——ho！——myfare’sseven-and-thirtyandeightpenceeggs——acly。”
Thefourteengentlemenholdingtheluggage，hereburstoutandlaughedveryrudelyindeed；andtheonlypersonwhoseemeddisappointedwas，Ithought，thehackney-coachman。”Why，YOU
rascal！”saysJemmy，layingholdoftheboy，”doyouwantmorethanthecoachman？””Don’trascalME，marm！”shrieksthelittlechapinreturn。”What’sthecoachtome？Vy，youmaygoinanomlibusforsixpenceifyoulike；vydon’tyougoandbussit，marm？Vydidyoucallmycab，marm？VyamItocomefortymile，fromScarlotStreet，Po’tl’ndStreet，Po’tl’ndPlace，andnotgitmyfare，marm？Come，givemeasufferingandahalf，anddon’tkeepmyhossavaitingallday。”Thisspeech，whichtakessometimetowritedown，wasmadeinaboutthefifthpartofasecond；and，attheendofit，theyounggentlemanhurleddownhispipe，and，advancingtowardsJemmy，doubledhisfist，andseemedtochallengehertofight。
MydearestgirlnowturnedfromredtobeaspaleaswhiteWindsor，andfellintomyarms。WhatwasItodo？Icalled”Policeman！”
butapolicemanwon’tinterfereinThamesStreet；robberyislicensedthere。WhatwasItodo？Oh！myheartbeatswithpaternalgratitudewhenIthinkofwhatmyTugdid！
Assoonasthisyoungcab-chapputhimselfintoafightingattitude，MasterTuggeridgeCoxe——whohadbeenstandingbylaughingveryrudely，Ithought——MasterTuggeridgeCoxe，Isay，flunghisjacketsuddenlyintohismamma’sface(thebrassbuttonsmadeherstartandrecoveredheralittle)，and，beforewecouldsayawordwasintheringinwhichwestood(formedbytheporters，nineorangemenandwomen，Idon’tknowhowmanynewspaper-boys，hotel-
cads，andold-clothesmen)，and，whirlingabouttwolittlewhitefistsinthefaceofthegentlemanintheredwaistcoat，whobroughtupagreatpairofblackonestobearontheenemy，wasengagedinaninstant。
Butlablessyou！Tughadn’tbeenatRichmondSchoolfornothing；
andMILLEDawayone，two，rightandleft——likealittleheroasheis，withallhisdearmother’sspiritinhim。Firstcameacrackwhichsentalongduskywhitehat——thatlookeddampanddeeplikeawell，andhadalongblackcrape-ragtwistedroundit——firstcameacrackwhichsentthiswhitehatspinningoverthegentleman’scabandscatteredamongthecrowdavastnumberofthingswhichthecabmankeptinit，——suchasaballofstring，apieceofcandle，acomb，awhip-lash，alittlewarbler，asliceofbacon，&c。&c。
Thecabmanseemedsadlyashamedofthisdisplay，butTuggavehimnotime:anotherblowwasplantedonhischeekbone；andathird，whichhithimstraightonthenose，sentthisrudecabmanstraightdowntotheground。”Brayvo，mylord！”shoutedallthepeoplearound。”Iwon’thavenomore，thankyer，”saidthelittlecabman，gatheringhimselfup。”Giveusovermyfare，vilyer，andletmegitaway？””What’syourfare，NOW，youcowardlylittlethief？”saysTug。”Vy，then，two-and-eightpence，”sayshe。”Goalong，——youKNOWitis！”andtwo-and-eightpencehehad；andeverybodyapplaudedTug，andhissedthecab-boy，andaskedTugforsomethingtodrink。Weheardthepacket-bellringing，andallrundownthestairstobeintime。
Inowthoughtourtroubleswouldsoonbeover；minewere，verynearlyso，inonesenseatleast:forafterMrs。CoxeandJemimarann，andTug，andthemaid，andvalet，andvaluableshadbeenhandedacross，itcametomyturn。IhadoftenheardofpeoplebeingtakenupbyaPLANK，butseldomoftheirbeingsetdownbyone。JustasIwasgoingover，thevesselrodeoffalittle，theboardslipped，anddownIsousedintothewater。YoumighthaveheardMrs。Coxe’sshriekasfarasGravesend；itrunginmyearsasIwentdown，allgrievedatthethoughtofleavingheradisconsolatewidder。Well，upIcameagain，andcaughtthebrimofmybeaver-hat——thoughIhaveheardthatdrowningmencatchatstraws:——Ifloated，andhopedtoescapebyhookorbycrook；and，luckily，justthen，Ifeltmyselfsuddenlyjerkedbythewaistbandofmywhites，andfoundmyselfhauledupintheairattheendofaboat-hook，tothesoundof”Yeho！yeho！yehoi！yehoi！”andsoIwasdraggedaboard。Iwasputtobed，andhadswallowedsomuchwaterthatittookaveryconsiderablequantityofbrandytobringittoapropermixtureinmyinside。Infact，forsomehoursIwasinaverydeplorablestate。
NOTICETOQUIT。
Well，wearrivedatBoulogne；andJemmy，aftermakinginquiries，rightandleft，abouttheBaron，foundthatnosuchpersonwasknownthere；andbeingbent，Isuppose，atallevents，onmarryingherdaughtertoalord，shedeterminedtosetoffforParis，where，ashehadoftensaid，hepossessedamagnificent——hotelhecalledit；——andIrememberJemmybeingmightilyindignantattheidea；buthotel，wefoundafterwards，meansonlyahouseinFrench，andthisreconciledher。NeedIdescribetheroadfromBoulognetoParis？orneedIdescribethatCapitolitself？Sufficeittosay，thatwemadeourappearancethere，at”Murisse’sHotel，”asbecamethefamilyofCoxeTuggeridge；andsaweverythingworthseeinginthemetropolisinaweek。Itnearlykilledme，tobesure；but，whenyou’reonapleasure-partyinaforeigncountry，youmustnotmindalittleinconvenienceofthissort。
Well，thereis，nearthecityofParis，asplendidroadandrowoftrees，which——Idon’tknowwhy——iscalledtheShandeleezy，orElysianFields，inFrench:others，Ihaveheard，callittheShandeleery；butmineIknowtobethecorrectpronunciation。InthemiddleofthisShandeleezyisanopenspaceofground，andatentwhere，duringthesummer，Mr。Franconi，theFrenchAshley，performswithhishorsesandthings。Aseverybodywentthere，andweweretolditwasquitethething，Jemmyagreedthatweshouldgotoo；andgowedid。
It’sjustlikeAshley’s:there’samanjustlikeMr。Piddicombe，whogoesroundtheringinahuzzah-dress，crackingawhip；thereareadozenMissWoolfords，whoappearlikePolishprincesses，Dihannas，Sultannas，Cachuchas，andheavenknowswhat！There’sthefatman，whocomesinwiththetwenty-threedresseson，andturnsouttobethelivingskeleton！There’stheclowns，thesawdust，thewhitehorsethatdancesahornpipe，thecandlesstuckinhoops，justasinourowndearcountry。
Mydearwife，inherveryfinestclothes，withalltheworldlookingather，wasreallyenjoyingthisspectacle(whichdoesn’trequireanyknowledgeofthelanguage，seeingthatthedumbanimalsdon’ttalkit)，whentherecamein，presently，”thegreatPolishactoftheSarmatianhorse-tamer，oneightsteeds，”whichwewereallofuslongingtosee。Thehorse-tamer，tomusictwentymilesanhour，rushedinonfourofhishorses，leadingtheotherfour，andskurriedroundthering。Youcouldn’tseehimforthesawdust，buteverybodywasdelighted，andapplaudedlikemad。Presently，yousawtherewereonlythreehorsesinfront:hehadslippedonemorebetweenhislegs，anotherfollowed，anditwasclearthattheconsequenceswouldbefatal，ifheadmittedanymore。Thepeopleapplaudedmorethanever；andwhen，atlast，sevenandeightweremadetogoin，notwholly，butslidingdexterouslyinandout，withtheothers，sothatyoudidnotknowwhichwaswhich，thehouse，I
thought，wouldcomedownwithapplause；andtheSarmatianhorse-
tamerbowedhisgreatfeatherstotheground。Atlastthemusicgrewslower，andhecanteredleisurelyroundthering；bending，smirking，seesawing，wavinghiswhip，andlayinghishandonhisheart，justaswehaveseentheAshley’speopledo。Butfancyourastonishmentwhen，suddenly，thisSarmatianhorse-tamer，comingroundwithhisfourpairatacanter，andbeingoppositeourbox，gaveastart，anda——hupp！whichmadeallhishorsesstopstock-
stillataninstant。”Albert！”screamedmydearJemmy:”Albert！Bahbahbah——baron！”TheSarmatianlookedatherforaminute；andturningheadoverheels，threetimes，boltedsuddenlyoffhishorses，andawayoutofoursight。
ItwasHISEXCELLENCYTHEBARONDEPUNTER！
Jemmywentoffinafitasusual，andweneversawtheBaronagain；
butweheard，afterwards，thatPunterwasanapprenticeofFranconi’s，andhadrunawaytoEngland，thinkingtobetterhimself，andhadjoinedMr。Richardson’sarmy；butMr。Richardson，andthenLondon，didnotagreewithhim；andwesawthelastofhimashesprungoverthebarriersattheTuggeridgevilletournament。”Well，Jemimarann，”saysJemmy，inafury，”youshallmarryTagrag；
andifIcan’thaveabaronessforadaughter，atleastyoushallbeabaronet’slady。”PoorJemimarannonlysighed:sheknewitwasofnousetoremonstrate。
Parisgrewdulltousafterthis，andweweremoreeagerthanevertogobacktoLondon:forwhatshouldwehear，butthatthatmonster，Tuggeridge，oftheCity——oldTug’sblackson，forsooth！——
wasgoingtocontestJemmy’sclaimtotheproperty，andhadfiledI
don’tknowhowmanybillsagainstusinChancery！Hearingthis，wesetoffimmediately，andwearrivedatBoulogne，andsetoffinthatverysame”GrandTurk”whichhadbroughtustoFrance。
Ifyoulookinthebills，youwillseethatthesteamersleaveLondononSaturdaymorning，andBoulogneonSaturdaynight；sothatthereisoftennotanhourbetweenthetimeofarrivalanddeparture。Blessus！blessus！IpitythepoorCaptainthat，fortwenty-fourhoursatatime，isonapaddle-box，roaringout，”Easeher！Stopher！”andthepoorservants，whoarelayingoutbreakfast，lunch，dinner，tea，supper；——breakfast，lunch，dinner，tea，supperagain；——forlayersuponlayersoftravellers，asitwere；andmostofall，Ipitythatunhappysteward，withthoseunfortunatetin-basinsthathemustalwayskeepaneyeover。
Littledidweknowwhatastormwasbroodinginourabsence；andlittlewerewepreparedfortheawful，awfulfatethathungoverourTuggeridgevilleproperty。
Biggs，ofthegreathouseofHiggs，Biggs，andBlatherwick，wasourmanofbusiness:whenIarrivedinLondonIheardthathehadjustsetofftoParisafterme。SowestarteddowntoTuggeridgevilleinsteadofgoingtoPortlandPlace。Aswecamethroughthelodge-
gates，wefoundacrowdassembledwithinthem；andtherewasthathorridTuggeridigeonhorseback，withashabby-lookingman，calledMr。Scapgoat，andhismanofbusiness，andmanymore。”Mr。
Scapgoat，”saysTuggeridge，grinning，andhandinghimoverasealedpaper，”here’sthelease；Ileaveyouinpossession，andwishyougoodmorning。””Inpossessionofwhat？”saystherightfulladyofTuggeridgeville，leaningoutofthecarriage-window。ShehatedblackTuggeridge，asshecalledhim，likepoison:theveryfirstweekofourcomingtoPortlandPlace，whenhecalledtoaskrestitutionofsomeplatewhichhesaidwashisprivateproperty，shecalledhimabase-bornblackamoor，andtoldhimtoquitthehouse。Sincethentherehadbeenlawsquabblesbetweenuswithoutend，andallsortsofwritings，meetings，andarbitrations。”PossessionofmyestateofTuggeridgeville，madam，”roarshe，”leftmebymyfather’swill，whichyouhavehadnoticeofthesethreeweeks，andknowaswellasIdo。””OldTugleftnowill，”shriekedJemmy；”hedidn’tdietoleavehisestatestoblackamoors——tonegroes——tobase-bornmulattostory-
tellers；ifhedidmayIbe——””Oh，hush！dearestmamma，”saysJemimarann。”Goitagain，mother！”
saysTug，whoisalwayssniggering。”Whatisthisbusiness，Mr。Tuggeridge？”criedTagrag(whowastheonlyoneofourpartythathadhissenses)。”Whatisthiswill？””Oh，it’smerelyamatterofform，”saidthelawyer，ridingup。”Forheaven’ssake，madam，bepeaceable；letmyfriends，Higgs，Biggs，andBlatherwick，arrangewithme。Iamsurprisedthatnoneoftheirpeoplearehere。Allthatyouhavetodoistoejectus；
andtherestwillfollow，ofcourse。””Whohastakenpossessionofthishereproperty？”roarsJemmy，again。”MyfriendMr。Scapgoat，”saidthelawyer——Mr。Scapgoatgrinned。”Mr。Scapgoat，”saidmywife，shakingherfistathim(forsheisawomanofnosmallspirit)，”ifyoudon’tleavethisgroundI’llhaveyoupushedoutwithpitchforks，Iwill——youandyourbeggarlyblackamooryonder。”And，suitingtheactiontotheword，sheclappedastableforkintothehandsofoneofthegardeners，andcalledanother，armedwitharake，tohishelp，whileyoungTugsetthedogattheirheels，andIhurrahedforjoytoseesuchvillanysoproperlytreated。”That’ssufficient，ain’tit？”saidMr。Scapgoat，withthecalmestairintheworld。”Oh，completely，”saidthelawyer。”Mr。
Tuggeridge，we’vetenmilestodinner。Madam，yourveryhumbleservant。”Andthewholeposseofthemrodeaway。
LAWLIFEASSURANCE。
Weknewnotwhatthismeant，untilwereceivedastrangedocumentfromHiggs，inLondon——whichbegun，”Middlesextowit。SamuelCox，lateofPortlandPlace，inthecityofWestminster，inthesaidcounty，wasattachedtoanswerSamuelScapgoat，ofaplea，wherefore，withforceandarms，heenteredintoonemessuage，withtheappurtenances，whichJohnTuggeridge，Esq。，demisedtothesaidSamuelScapgoat，foratermwhichisnotyetexpired，andejectedhim。”Anditwentontosaythat”we，withforceofarms，viz，withswords，knives，andstaves，hadejectedhim。”Wasthereeversuchamonstrousfalsehood？whenwedidbutstandindefenceofourown；andisn’titasinthatweshouldhavebeenturnedoutofourrightfulpossessionsuponsucharascallyplea？
Higgs，Biggs，andBlatherwickhadevidentlybeenbribed；forwouldyoubelieveit？——theytoldustogiveuppossessionatonce，asawillwasfound，andwecouldnotdefendtheaction。MyJemmyrefusedtheirproposalwithscorn，andlaughedatthenotionofthewill:shepronouncedittobeaforgery，avileblackamoorforgery；
andbelieves，tothisday，thatthestoryofitshavingbeenmadethirtyyearsago，inCalcutta，andlefttherewitholdTug’spapers，andfoundthere，andbroughttoEngland，afterasearchmadebyorderofTuggeridgejunior，isascandalousfalsehood。
Well，thecausewastried。WhyneedIsayanythingconcerningit？
WhatshallIsayoftheLordChiefJustice，butthatheoughttobeashamedofthewighesitsin？WhatofMr——andMr——，whoexertedtheireloquenceagainstjusticeandthepoor？Onourside，too，wasnolessamanthanMr。SerjeantBinks，who，ashamedIam，forthehonoroftheBritishbar，tosayit，seemedtohavebeenbribedtoo:forheactuallythrewuphiscase！HadhebehavedlikeMr。Mulligan，hisjunior——andtowhom，inthishumbleway，Ioffermythanks——allmighthavebeenwell。Ineverknewsuchaneffectproduced，aswhenMr。Mulligan，appearingforthefirsttimeinthatcourt，said，”StandinghereuponthepidestalofsecredThamis；seeingaroundmethearnymintsofaprofissionIrispict；
havingbeforemeavinnerablejudge，andanenlightenedjury——thecounthry’sglory，thenetion’scheapdefender，thepoorman’spricelesspalladium:howmustIthrimble，mylard，howmusttheblushbejewmycheek——”(somebodycriedout，”OCHEEKS！”Inthecourttherewasadreadfulroaroflaughing；andwhenorderwasestablished，Mr。Mulligancontinued:)——”Mylard，Iheedthemnot；I
comefromacounthryaccustomedtoopprission，andasthatcounthry——yes，mylard，THATIRELAND——(donotlaugh，Iamproudofit)——isever，inspiteofhertyrants，green，andlovely，andbeautiful:myclient’scause，likewise，willriseshuperiortothemalignantimbecility——Irepeat，theMALIGNANTIMBECILITY——ofthosewhowouldthrampleitdown；andinwhoseteeth，inmyclient’sname，inmycounthry’s——ay，andMYOWN——I，withfoldedarrums，hurlascarnfulandeternaldefiance！””Forheaven’ssake，Mr。Milligan”——(”MULLIGAN，MELARD，”criedmydefender)——”Well，Mulligan，then，becalm，andkeeptoyourbrief。”
Mr。Mulligandid；andforthreehoursandaquarter，inaspeechcrammedwithLatinquotations，andunsurpassedforeloquence，heexplainedthesituationofmeandmyfamily；theromanticmannerinwhichTuggeridgetheeldergainedhisfortune，andbywhichitafterwardscametomywife；thestateofIreland；theoriginalandvirtuouspovertyoftheCoxes——fromwhichheglancedpassionately，forafewminutes(untilthejudgestoppedhim)，tothepovertyofhisowncountry；myexcellenceasahusband，father，landlord；mywife’s，asawife，mother，landlady。Allwasinvain——thetrialwentagainstus。Iwassoontakeninexecutionforthedamages；
fivehundredpoundsoflawexpensesofmyown，andasmuchmoreofTuggeridge’s。Hewouldnotpayafarthing，hesaid，togetmeoutofamuchworseplacethantheFleet。Ineednottellyouthatalongwiththelandwentthehouseintown，andthemoneyinthefunds。Tuggeridge，hewhohadthousandsbefore，haditall。AndwhenIwasinprison，whodoyouthinkwouldcomeandseeme？
NoneoftheBarons，norCounts，norForeignAmbassadors，norExcellencies，whousedtofillourhouse，andeatanddrinkatourexpense，——noteventheungratefulTagrag！
Icouldnothelpnowsayingtomydearwife，”See，mylove，wehavebeengentlefolksforexactlyayear，andaprettylifewehavehadofit。Inthefirstplace，mydarling，wegavegranddinners，andeverybodylaughedatus。””Yes，andrecollecthowilltheymadeyou，”criesmydaughter。”Weaskedgreatcompany，andtheyinsultedus。””Andspoiltmamma’stemper，”saidJemimarann。”Hush！Miss，”saidhermother；”wedon’twantYOURadvice。””Thenyoumustmakeacountrygentlemanofme。””AndsendPaintodunghills，”roaredTug。”Thenyoumustgotooperas，andpickupforeignBaronsandCounts。””Oh，thankheaven，dearestpapa，thatweareridofthem，”criesmylittleJemimarann，lookingalmosthappy，andkissingheroldpappy。”AndyoumustmakeafinegentlemanofTugthere，andsendhimtoafineschool。””AndIgiveyoumyword，”saysTug，”I’masignorantachapaseverlived。””You’reaninsolentsaucebox，”saysJemmy；”you’velearnedthatatyourfineschool。””I’velearnedsomethingelse，too，ma’am；asktheboysifI
haven’t，”grumblesTug。”Youhawkyourdaughterabout，andjustescapemarryinghertoaswindler。””AnddriveoffpoorOrlando，”whimperedmygirl。”Silence！Miss，”saysJemmy，fiercely。”Youinsultthemanwhosefather’spropertyyouinherited，andbringmeintothisprison，withouthopeofleavingit:forhenevercanhelpusafterallyourbadlanguage。”Isaidallthisverysmartly；forthefactis，mybloodwasupatthetime，andI
determinedtoratemydeargirlsoundly。”Oh！Sammy，”saidshe，sobbing(forthepoorthing’sspiritwasquitebroken)，”it’salltrue；I’vebeenvery，veryfoolishandvain，andI’vepunishedmydearhusbandandchildrenbymyfollies，andIdoso，sorepentthem！”HereJemimarannatonceburstoutcrying，andflungherselfintohermamma’sarms，andthepairroaredandsobbedfortenminutestogether。EvenTuglookedqueer:
andasforme，it’samostextraordinarything，butI’mblestifseeingthemsomiserabledidn’tmakemequitehappy——Idon’tthink，forthewholetwelvemonthsofourgoodfortune，IhadeverfeltsogayasinthatdismalroomintheFleet，whereIwaslockedup。
PoorOrlandoCrumpcametoseeuseveryday；andwe，whohadnevertakentheslightestnoticeofhiminPortlandPlace，andtreatedhimsocruellythatdayatBeulahSpa，wereonlytoogladofhiscompanynow。Heusedtobringbooksformygirl，andabottleofsherryforme；andheusedtotakehomeJemmy’sfrontsanddressthemforher；andwhenlocking-uptimecame，heusedtoseetheladieshometotheirlittlethree-pairbedroominHolborn，wheretheysleptnow，Tugandall。”Canthebirdforgetitsnest？”
Orlandousedtosay(hewasaromanticyoungfellow，that’sthetruth，andblewthefluteandreadLordByronincessantly，sincehewasseparatedfromJemimarann)。”Canthebird，letlooseineasternclimes，forgetitshome？Cantheroseceasetorememberitsbelovedbulbul？——Ah，no！Mr。Cox，youmademewhatIam，andwhatIhopetodie——ahairdresser。Ineverseeacurling-ironsbeforeIenteredyourshop，orknewNaplesfrombrownWindsor。Didyounotmakeoveryourhouse，yourfurniture，youremporiumofperfumery，andnine-and-twentyshavingcustomers，tome？Arethesetrifles？IsJemimarannatrifle？ifshewouldallowmetocallherso。Oh，Jemimarann，yourPafoundmeintheworkhouse，andmademewhatIam。Conductmetomygrave，andInever，nevershallbedifferent！”Whenhehadsaidthis，Orlandowassomuchaffected，thatherushedsuddenlyonhishatandquittedtheroom。
ThenJemimarannbegantocrytoo。”Oh，Pa！”saidshe，”isn’the——
isn’theaniceyoungman？””I’mHANGEDifheain’t，”saysTug。”Whatdoyouthinkofhisgivingmeeighteenpenceyesterday，andabottleoflavender-waterforMimarann？””Hemightaswelloffertogiveyoubacktheshopatanyrate，”
saysJemmy。”What！topayTuggeridge’sdamages？Mydear，I’dsoonerdiethangiveTuggeridgethechance。”
FAMILYBUSTLE。
TuggeridgevowedthatIshouldfinishmydaysthere，whenheputmeinprison。Itappearsthatwebothhadreasontobeashamedofourselves；andwere，thankGod！Ilearnedtobesorryformybadfeelingstowardhim，andheactuallywrotetometosay——”SIR，——Ithinkyouhavesufferedenoughforfaultswhich，I
believe，donotliewithyou，somuchasyourwife；andIhavewithdrawnmyclaimswhichIhadagainstyouwhileyouwereinwrongfulpossessionofmyfather’sestates。Youmustrememberthatwhen，onexaminationofmyfather’spapers，nowillwasfound，I
yieldeduphisproperty，withperfectwillingness，tothosewhoI
fanciedwerehislegitimateheirs。ForthisIreceivedallsortsofinsultsfromyourwifeandyourself(whoacquiescedinthem)；
andwhenthediscoveryofawill，inIndia，provedMYjustclaims，youmustrememberhowtheyweremet，andthevexatiousproceedingswithwhichyousoughttoopposethem。”Ihavedischargedyourlawyer’sbill；and，asIbelieveyouaremorefittedforthetradeyouformerlyexercisedthanforanyother，Iwillgivefivehundredpoundsforthepurchaseofastockandshop，whenyoushallfindonetosuityou。”Iencloseadraftfortwentypoundstomeetyourpresentexpenses。
Youhave，Iamtold，ason，aboyofsomespirit:ifhelikestotryhisfortuneabroad，andgoonboardanIndiaman，Icangethimanappointment；andam，Sir，yourobedientservant，”JOHNTUGGERIDGE”
ItwasMrs。Breadbasket，thehousekeeper，whobroughtthisletter，andlookedmightycontemptuousasshegaveit。”Ihope，Breadbasket，thatyourmasterwillsendmemythingsatanyrate，”criesJemmy。”There’sseventeensilkandsatindresses，andawholeheapoftrinkets，thatcanbeofnoearthlyusetohim。””Don’tBreadbasketme，mem，ifyouplease，mem。Mymastersaysthatthemthingsisquiteobnoxioustoyoursphereoflife。
Breadbasket，indeed！”Andsoshesailedout。
Jemmyhadn’taword；shehadgrownmightyquietsincewehavebeeninmisfortune:butmydaughterlookedashappyasaqueen；andTug，whenheheardoftheship，gaveajumpthatnearlyknockeddownpoorOrlando。”Ah，Isupposeyou’llforgetmenow？”sayshewithasigh；andseemedtheonlyunhappypersonincompany。”Why，youconceive，Mr。Crump，”saysmywife，withagreatdealofdignity，”that，connectedasweare，ayoungmanborninawork——””Woman！”criedI(foronceinmylifedeterminedtohavemyownway)，”holdyourfoolishtongue。Yourabsurdpridehasbeentheruinofushitherto；and，fromthisday，I’llhavenomoreofit。
Harkye，Orlando，ifyouwilltakeJemimarann，youmayhaveher；
andifyou’lltakefivehundredpoundsforahalf-shareoftheshop，they’reyours；andTHAT’Sforyou，Mrs。Cox。”
Andhereweare，backagain。AndIwritethisfromtheoldbackshop，whereweareallwaitingtoseethenewyearin。Orlandositsyonder，plaitingawigformyLordChiefJustice，ashappyasmaybe；andJemimarannandhermotherhavebeenasbusyasyoucanimaginealldaylong，andarejustnowgivingthefinishingtouchestothebridal-dresses:fortheweddingistotakeplacethedayafterto-morrow。I’vecutseventeenheadsoff(asIsay)thisveryday；andasforJemmy，InomoremindherthanIdotheEmperorofChinaandallhisTambarins。Lastnightwehadamerrymeetingofourfriendsandneighbors，tocelebrateourreappearanceamongthem；andverymerryweallwere。Wehadacapitalfiddler，andwekeptituptillaprettytidyhourthismorning。Webegunwithquadrills，butInevercoulddo’emwell；andafterthat，topleaseMr。Crumpandhisintended，wetriedagallopard，whichIfoundanythingbuteasy:forsinceIamcomebacktoalifeofpeaceandcomfort，it’sastonishinghowstoutI’mgetting。SoweturnedatoncetowhatJemmyandmeexcelsin——acountrydance；whichisrathersurprising，aswewasbothbroughtuptoatownlife。AsforyoungTug，heshowedoffinasailor’shornpipe:whichMrs。Coxsaysisveryproperforhimtolearn，nowheisintendedforthesea。Butstop！herecomesinthepunchbowls；andifwearenothappy，whois？IsayIamliketheSwishpeople，forIcan’tflourishoutofmynativeHAIR。
End
