第2章

AndIhaven”tacent。That”smytaleofwoe。”

“Toughluck，“saidThomas。“Amanalonecanpullthroughallright。ButIhatetoseethewomenandkidsgettheworstofit。”

JustthentherehummedupFifthAvenueamotorcarsosplendid，sored，sosmoothlyrunning，socraftilydemolishingthespeedregulationsthatitdrewtheattentionevenofthelistlessBedLiners。Suspendedandpinionedonitsleftsidewasanextratire。

Whenoppositetheunfortunatecompanythefasteningsofthistirebecameloosed。Itfelltotheasphalt，boundedandrolledrapidlyinthewakeoftheflyingcar。

ThomasMcQuade，scentinganopportunity，dartedfromhisplaceamongthePreacher”sgoats。Inthirtysecondshehadcaughttherollingtire，swungitoverhisshoulder，andwastrottingsmartlyafterthecar。Onbothsidesoftheavenuepeoplewereshouting，whistling，andwavingcanesattheredcar，pointingtotheenterprisingThomascomingupwiththelosttire。

Onedollar，Thomashadestimated，wasthesmallestguerdonthatsograndanautomobilistcouldofferfortheservicehehadrendered，andsavehispride。

Twoblocksawaythecarhadstopped。Therewasalittle，brown，muffledchauffeurdriving，andanimposinggentlemanwearingamagnificentsealskincoatandasilkhatonarearseat。

Thomasprofferedthecapturedtirewithhisbestex-coachmanmannerandalookinthebrighterofhisreddenedeyesthatwasmeanttobesuggestivetotheextentofasilvercoinortwoandreceptiveuptohigherdenominations。

Butthelookwasnotsoconstrued。Thesealskinnedgentlemanreceivedthetire，placeditinsidethecar，gazedintentlyattheex-

coachman，andmutteredtohimselfinscrutablewords。

“Strange——strange！“saidhe。“OnceortwiceevenI，myself，havefanciedthattheChaldeanChiroscopehasavailed。Coulditbepossible？“

ThenheaddressedlessmysteriouswordstothewaitingandhopefulThomas。

“Sir，Ithankyouforyourkindrescueofmytire。AndIwouldaskyou，ifImay，aquestion。DoyouknowthefamilyofVanSmuytheslivinginWashingtonSquareNorth？“

“Oughtn”tIto？“repliedThomas。“Ilivedthere。WishIdidyet。”

Thesealskinnedgentlemanopenedadoorofthecar。

“Stepinplease，“hesaid。“Youhavebeenexpected。”

ThomasMcQuadeobeyedwithsurprisebutwithouthesitation。A

seatinamotorcarseemedbetterthanstandingroomintheBedLine。Butafterthelap-robehadbeentuckedabouthimandtheautohadspedonitscourse，thepeculiarityoftheinvitationlingeredinhismind。

“Maybetheguyhasn”tgotanychange，“washisdiagnosis。“Lotsoftheseswellroundersdon”tlugaboutanyreadymoney。Guesshe”lldumpmeoutwhenhegetstosomejointwherehecangetcashonhismug。Anyhow，it”sacinchthatI”vegotthatopen-airbedconventionbeattoafinish。”

Submergedinhisgreatcoat，themysteriousautomobilistseemed，himself，tomarvelatthesurprisesoflife。“Wonderful！amazing！

strange！“herepeatedtohimselfconstantly。

WhenthecarhadwellenteredthecrosstownSeventies，itswungeastwardahalfblockandstoppedbeforearowofhigh-stooped，brownstone-fronthouses。

“Bekindenoughtoentermyhousewithme，“saidthesealskinnedgentlemanwhentheyhadalighted。“He”sgoingtodigup，sure，“

reflectedThomas，followinghiminside。

Therewasadimlightinthehall。Hishostconductedhimthroughadoortotheleft，closingitafterhimandleavingtheminabsolutedarkness。Suddenlyaluminousglobe，strangelydecorated，shonefaintlyinthecentreofanimmenseroomthatseemedtoThomasmoresplendidlyappointedthananyhehadeverseenonthestageorreadofinfairytales。

Thewallswerehiddenbygorgeousredhangingsembroideredwithfantasticgoldfigures。Attherearendoftheroomweredrapedporti`eresofdullgoldspangledwithsilvercrescentsandstars。

Thefurniturewasofthecostliestandrareststyles。Theex-

coachman”sfeetsankintorugsasfleecyanddeepassnowdrifts。

Therewerethreeorfouroddlyshapedstandsortablescoveredwithblackvelvetdrapery。

ThomasMcQuadetookinthesplendorsofthispalatialapartmentwithoneeye。Withtheotherhelookedforhisimposingconductor——tofindthathehaddisappeared。

“B”gee！“mutteredThomas，“thislistenslikeaspookshop。

Shouldn”twonderifitain”toneoftheseMoravianNights”

adventuresthatyoureadabout。Wonderwhatbecameofthefurryguy。”

Suddenlyastuffedowlthatstoodonanebonyperchneartheilluminatedglobeslowlyraisedhiswingsandemittedfromhiseyesabrilliantelectricglow。

Withafright-bornimprecation，ThomasseizedabronzestatuetteofHebefromacabinetnearbyandhurleditwithallhismightattheterrifyingandimpossiblefowl。Theowlandhisperchwentoverwithacrash。Withthesoundtherewasaclick，andtheroomwasfloodedwithlightfromadozenfrostedglobesalongthewallsandceiling。Thegoldporti`erespartedandclosed，andthemysteriousautomobilistenteredtheroom。Hewastallandworeeveningdressofperfectcutandaccuratetaste。AVandykebeardofglossy，goldenbrown，ratherlongandwavyhair，smoothlyparted，andlarge，magnetic，orientallyocculteyesgavehimamostimpressiveandstrikingappearance。IfyoucanconceiveaRussianGrandDukeinaRajah”sthroneroomadvancingtogreetavisitingEmperor，youwillgathersomethingofthemajestyofhismanner。

ButThomasMcQuadewastoonearhis_dt”s_tobemindfulofhis_p”s_and_q”s_。Whenheviewedthissilken，polished，andsomewhatterrifyinghosthethoughtvaguelyofdentists。

“Say，doc，“saidheresentfully，“that”sahotbirdyoukeepontap。I

hopeIdidn”tbreakanything。ButI”venearlygotthewilliwalloos，andwhenhethrewthem32-candle-power-lampsofhisonme，I

tookasnap-shotathimwiththatlittlebrassFlatironGirlthatstoodonthesideboard。”

“Thatismerelyamechanicaltoy，“saidthegentlemanwithawaveofhishand。“MayIaskyoutobeseatedwhileIexplainwhyI

broughtyoutomyhouse。Perhapsyouwouldnotunderstandnorbeinsympathywiththepsychologicalpromptingthatcausedmetodoso。SoIwillcometothepointatoncebyventuringtorefertoyouradmissionthatyouknowtheVanSmuythefamily，ofWashingtonSquareNorth。”

“Anysilvermissing，“askedThomastartly。“Anyjoolrydisplaced？

OfcourseIknow”em。Anyoftheoldladies”sunshadesdisappeared？Well，Iknow”em。Andthenwhat？“

TheGrandDukerubbedhiswhitehandstogethersoftly。

“Wonderful！“hemurmured。“Wonderful！ShallIcometobelieveintheChaldeanChiroscopemyself？Letmeassureyou，“hecontinued，“thatthereisnothingforyoutofear。Instead，IthinkI

canpromiseyouthatverygoodfortuneawaitsyou。Wewillsee。”

“Dotheywantmeback？“askedThomas，withsomethingofhisoldprofessionalprideinhisvoice。“I”llpromisetocutouttheboozeanddotherightthingifthey”lltrymeagain。Buthowdidyougetwise，doc？B”gee，it”stheswellestemploymentagencyI

waseverin，withitsflashlightowlsandsoforth。”

Withanindulgentsmilethegracioushostbeggedtobeexcusedfortwominutes。Hewentouttothesidewalkandgaveanordertothechauffeur，whostillwaitedwiththecar。Returningtothemysteriousapartment，hesatbyhisguestandbegantoentertainhimsowellbyhiswittyandgenialconversethatthepoorBedLineralmostforgotthecoldstreetsfromwhichhehadbeensorecentlyandsosingularlyrescued。Aservantbroughtsometendercoldfowlandteabiscuitsandaglassofmiraculouswine；andThomasfelttheglamourofArabiaenvelophim。Thushalfanhourspedquickly；andthenthehonkofthereturnedmotorcaratthedoorsuddenlydrewtheGrandDuketohisfeet，withanothersoftpetitionforabriefabsence。

Twowomen，wellmuffledagainstthecold，wereadmittedatthefrontdoorandsuavelyconductedbythemasterofthehousedownthehallthroughanotherdoortotheleftandintoasmallerroom，whichwasscreenedandsegregatedfromthelargerfrontroombyheavy，doubleporti`eres。herethefurnishingswereevenmoreelegantandexquisitelytastefulthanintheother。Onagold-inlaidrosewoodtablewerescatteredsheetsofwhitepaperandaqueer，triangularinstrumentortoy，apparentlyofgold，standingonlittlewheels。

Thetallerwomanthrewbackherblackveilandloosenedhercloak。Shewasfifty，withawrinkledandsadface。Theother，youngandplump，tookachairalittledistanceawayandtotherearasaservantoranattendantmighthavedone。

“Yousentforme，ProfessorCherubusco，“saidtheelderwoman，wearily。“Ihopeyouhavesomethingmoredefinitethanusualtosay。I”veaboutlostthelittlefaithIhadinyourart。Iwouldnothaverespondedtoyourcallthiseveningifmysisterhadnotinsisteduponit。”

“Madam，“saidtheprofessor，withhisprinceliestsmile，“thetrueArtcannotfail。Tofindthetruepsychicandpotentialbranchsometimesrequirestime。Wehavenotsucceeded，Iadmint，withthecards，thecrystal，thestars，themagicformulaeofZarazin，northeOracleofPo。Butwehaveatlastdiscoveredthetruepsychicroute。TheChaldeanChiroscopehasbeensuccessfulinoursearch。”

Theprofessor”svoicehadaringthatseemedtoproclaimhisbeliefinhisownwords。Theelderlyladylookedathimwithalittlemoreinterest。

“Why，therewasnosenseinthosewordsthatitwrotewithmyhandsonit，“shesaid。“Whatdoyoumean？“

“Thewordswerethese，“saidProfessorCherubusco，risingtohisfullmagnificentheight：_“Bythefifthwheelofthechariotheshallcome。”_

“Ihaven”tseenmanychariots，“saidthelady，“butIneversawonewithfivewheels。”

“Progress，“saidtheprofessor”progressinscienceandmechanicshasaccomplishedit——though，tobeexact，wemayspeakofitonlyasanextratire。Progressinoccultarthasadvancedinproportion。

Madam，IrepeatthattheChaldeanChiroscopehassucceeded。I

cannotonlyanswerthequestionthatyouhavepropounded，butI

canproducebeforeyoureyestheproofthereof。”

Andnowtheladywasdisturbedbothinherdisbeliefandinherpoise。

“Oprofessor！“shecriedanxiously”When？——where？Hashebeenfound？Donotkeepmeinsuspense。”

“Ibegyouwillexcusemeforaveryfewminutes，“saidProfessorCherubusco，“andIthinkIcandemonstratetoyoutheefficacyofthetrueArt。”

Thomaswascontentedlymunchingthelastcrumbsofthebreadandfowlwhentheenchanterappearedsuddenlyathisside。

“Areyouwillingtoreturntoyouroldhomeifyouareassuredofawelcomeandrestorationtofavor？“heasked，withhiscourteous，royalsmile。

“DoIlookbughouse？“answeredThomas。“Enoughofthefootbacklifeforme。Butwilltheyhavemeagain？Theoldladyisasfixedinherwaysasanutonanewaxle。”

“Mydearyoungman，“saidtheother，“shehasbeensearchingforyoueverywhere。”

“Great！“saidThomas。“I”monthejob。Thatteamofdropsicaldomedariestheycallhorsesisahandicapforafirst-classcoachmanlikemyself；butI”lltakethejobback，sure，doc。They”regoodpeopletobewith。”

Andnowachangecameo”erthesuavecountenanceoftheCaliphofBagdad。Helookedkeenlyandsuspiciouslyattheex-

coachman。

“MayIaskwhatyournameis？“hesaidshortly。

“You”vebeenlookingforme，“saidThomas，“anddon”tknowmyname？You”reafunnykindofsleuth。YoumustbeoneoftheCentralOfficegumshoers。I”mThomasMcQuade，ofcourse；andI”vebeenchauffeuroftheVanSmuytheelephantteamforayear。

Theyfiredmeamonthagofor——well，doc，yousawwhatIdidtoyouroldowl。Iwentbrokeonbooze，andwhenIsawthetiredropoffyourwhizwagonIwasstandinginthatsquadofhoboesattheWorthmonumentwaitingforafreebed。Now，what”stheprizeforthebestanswertoallthis？“

TohisintensesurpriseThomasfelthimselfliftedbythecollaranddragged，withoutawordofexplanation，tothefrontdoor。Thiswasopened，andhewaskickedforciblydownthestepswithoneheavy，disillusionizing，humiliatingimpactofthestupendousArabian”sshoe。

Assoonastheex-coachmanhadrecoveredhisfeetandhiswitshehastenedasfastashecouldeastwardtowardBroadway。

“Crazyguy，“washisestimateofthemysteriousautomobilist。

“Justwantedtohavesomefunkiddin”，Iguess。Hemighthavedugupadollar，anyhow。NowI”vegottohurryupandgetbacktothatgangofbumbedhuntersbeforetheyallgetpreachedtosleep。”

WhenThomasreachedtheendofhistwo-milewalkhefoundtheranksofthehomelessreducedtoasquadofperhapseightorten。

Hetooktheproperplaceofanewcomerattheleftendoftherearrank。Inafileinfrontofhimwastheyoungmanwhohadspokentohimofhospitalsandsomethingofawifeandchild。

“Sorrytoseeyoubackagain，“saidtheyoungman，turningtospeaktohim。“Ihopedyouhadstrucksomethingbetterthanthis。”

“Me？“saidThomas。“Oh，Ijusttookarunaroundtheblocktokeepwarm！Iseethepublicain”tlendingtotheLordveryfastto-

night。”

“Inthiskindofweather，“saidtheyoungman，“charityavailsitselfoftheproverb，andbothbeginsandendsathome。”

AndthePreacherandhisvehementlieutenantstruckupalasthymnofpetitiontoProvidenceandman。ThoseoftheBedLinerswhosewindpipesstillregisteredabove32degreeshopelesslyandtunelesslyjoinedin。

InthemiddleofthesecondverseThomassawasturdygirlwithwind-tosseddraperybattlingagainstthebreezeandcomingstraighttowardhimfromtheoppositesidewalk。“Annie！“heyelled，andrantowardher。

“Youfool，youfool！“shecried，weepingandlaughing，andhanginguponhisneck，“whydidyoudoit？“

“TheStuff，“explainedThomasbriefly。“Youknow。Butsubsequentlynit。Notadrop。”Heledhertothecurb。“Howdidyouhappentoseeme？“

“Icametofindyou，“saidAnnie，holdingtighttohissleeve。“Oh，youbigfool！ProfessorCherubuscotoldusthatwemightfindyouhere。”

“ProfessorCh——Dont”knowtheguy。Whatsaloondoesheworkin？“

“He”saclairvoyant，Thomas；thegreatestintheworld。HefoundyouwiththeChaldeantelescope，hesaid。”

“He”saliar，“saidThomas。“Ineverhadit。Heneversawmehaveanybody”stelescope。”

“Andhesaidyoucameinachariotwithfivewheelsorsomething。”

“Annie，“saidThomssolicitously，“you”regivingmethewheelsnow。IfIhadachariotI”dhavegonetobedinitlongago。Andwithoutanysingingandpreachingforanightcap，either。”

“Listen，youbigfool。TheMississaysshe”lltakeyouback。I

beggedherto。Butyoumustbehave。Andyoucangouptothehouseto-night；andyouroldroomoverthestableisready。”

“Great！“saidThomasearnestly。“YouareIt，Annie。Butwhendidthesestuntshappen？“

“To-nightatProfessorCherubusco”s。HesenthisautomobilefortheMissis，andshetookmealong。I”vebeentherewithherbefore。”

“What”stheprofessor”sline？“

“He”saclairvoyantandawitch。TheMissisconsultshim。Heknowseverything。Buthehasn”tdonetheMissisanygoodyet，thoughshe”spaidhimhundredsofdollars。Buthetoldusthatthestarstoldhimwecouldfindyouhere。”

“What”stheoldladywantthischerry-bustertodo？“

“That”safamilysecret，“saidAnnie。“Andnowyou”veaskedenoughquestions。Comeonhome，youbigfool。”

TheyhadmovedbutalittlewayupthestreetwhenThomasstopped。

“Gotanydoughwithyou，Annie？“heasked。

Annielookedathimsharply。

“Oh，Iknowwhatthatlookmeans，“saidThomas。“You”rewrong。

Notanotherdrop。Butthere”saguythatwasstandingnexttomeinthebedlineovertherethat”sinbadshape。He”stherightkind，andhe”sgotwivesorkidsorsomething，andhe”sonthesicklist。

Nobooze。IfyoucoulddiguphalfadollarforhimsohecouldgetadecentbedI”dlikeit。”

Annie”sfingersbegantowiggleinherpurse。

“Sure，I”vegotmoney，“saidshe。“Lotsofit。Twelvedollars。”

Andthensheadded，withwoman”sineradicablesuspicionofvicariousbenevolence：“Bringhimhereandletmeseehimfirst。”

Thomaswentonhismission。ThewanBedLinercamereadilyenough。Asthetwodrewnear，Annielookedupfromherpurseandscreamed：

“Mr。Walter——Oh——Mr。Walter！：

“Isthatyou，Annie？“saidtheyoungmanmeekly。

“Oh，Mr。Walter！——andtheMissishuntinghighandlowforyou！“

“Doesmotherwanttoseeme？“heasked，withaflushcomingoutonhispalecheek。

“She”sbeenhuntingforyouhighandlow。Sure，shewantstoseeyou。Shewantsyoutocomehome。She”striedpoliceandmorguesandlawyersandadvertisinganddetectivesandrewardsandeverything。Andthenshetookupclearvoyants。You”llgorighthome，won”tyou，Mr。Walter？“

“Gladly，ifshewantsme，“saidtheyoungman。“Threeyearsisalongtime。IsupposeI”llhavetowalkup，though，unlessthestreetcarsaregivingfreerides。Iusedtowalkandbeatthatoldplugteamofbaysweusedtodrivetothecarriage。Havetheygotthemyet？“

“Theyhave，“saidThomas，feelingly。“Andthey”llhave”emtenyearsfromnow。Thelifeoftheroyalelephantibustruckhorseibusisonehundredandforty-nineyears。I”mthecoachman。Justgotmyreappointmentfiveminutesago。Let”sallrideupinasurfacecar——thatis——er——ifAnniewillpaythefares。”

OntheBroadwaycarAnniehandedeachoneoftheprodigalsanickeltopaytheconductor。

“Seemstomeyouaremightyrecklessthewayyouthrowlargesumsofmoneyaround，“saidThomassarcastically。

“Inthatpurse，“saidAnniedecidedly，“isexactly$11。85。Ishalltakeeverycentofitto-morrowandgiveittoprofessorCherubusco，thegreatestmanintheworld。”

“Well，“saidThomas，“Iguesshemustbeaprettyflyguytopipeoffthingsthewayhedoes。I”mgladhisspookstoldhimwhereyoucouldfindme。Ifyou”llgivemehisaddress，somedayI”llgoupthere，myself，andshakehishand。”

PresentlyThomasmovedtentativelyinhisseat，andthoughtfullyfeltanabrasionortwoonhiskneesandhiselbows。

“Say，Annie，“saidheconfidentially，maybeit”soneofthelastdreamsofbooze，butI”veakindofarecollectionofridinginauthomobilewithaswellguythattookmetoahousefullofeaglesandarclights。Hefedmeonbiscuitsandhotair，andthenkickedmedownthefrontsteps。Ifitwasthe_dt”s_，whyamIsosore？“

“Shutup，youfool，“saidAnnie。

“IfIcouldfindthatfunnyguy”shouse，saidThomas，inconclusion，“I”dgouptheresomedayandpunchhisnoseforhim。”

VI

THEPOETANDTHEPEASANT

Theotherdayapoetfriendofmine，whohaslivedinclosecommunionwithnatureallhislife，wroteapoemandtookittoaneditor。

Itwasalivingpastoral，fullofthegenuinebreathofthefields，thesongofbirds，andthepleasantchatteroftricklingstreams。

Whenthepoetcalledagaintoseeaboutit，withhopesofabeefsteakdinnerinhisheart，itwashandedbacktohimwiththecomment：

“Tooartificial。”

SeveralofusmetoverspaghettiandDutchessCountychianti，andswallowedindignationwithslipperyforkfuls。

Andtherewedugapitfortheeditor。WithuswasConant，awell-

arrivedwriteroffiction——amanwhohadtrodonasphaltallhislife，andwhohadneverlookeduponbucolicscenesexceptwithsensationsofdisgustfromthewindowsofexpresstrains。

Conantwroteapoemandcalledit“TheDoeandtheBrook。”ItwasafinespecimenofthekindofworkyouwouldexpectfromapoetwhohadstrayedwithAmaryllisonlyasfarastheflorist”swindows，andwhosesoleornithologicaldiscussionhadbeencarriedonwithawaiter。Conantsignedthispoem，andwesentittothesameeditor。

Butthishasverylittletodowiththestory。

Justastheeditorwasreadingthefirstlineofthepoem，onthenextmorning，abeingstumbledofftheWestShoreferryboat，andlopedslowlyupForty-secondStreet。

Theinvaderwasayoungmanwithlightblueeyes，ahanginglipandhairtheexactcolorofthelittleorphan”s(afterwarddiscoveredtobetheearl”sdaughter)inoneofMr。Blaney”splays。Histrouserswerecorduroy，hiscoatshort-sleeved，withbuttonsinthemiddleofhisback。Onebootlegwasoutsidethecorduroys。Youlookedexpectantly，thoughinvain，athisstrawhatforearholes，itsshapeinauguratingthesuspicionthatithadbeenravagedfromaformerequinepossessor。Inhishandwasavalise——descriptionofitisanimpossibletask；aBostonmanwouldnothavecarriedhislunchandlawbookstohisofficeinit。Andaboveoneear，inhishair，wasawispofhay——therustic”sletterofcredit，hisbadgeofinnocence，thelastclingingtouchoftheGardenofEdenlingeringtoshamethegold-brickmen。

Knowingly，smilingly，thecitycrowdspassedhimby。Theysawtherawstrangerstandinthegutterandstretchhisneckatthetallbuildings。Atthistheyceasedtosmile，andeventolookathim。Ithadbeendonesooften。AfewglancedattheantiquevalisetoseewhatConey“attraction“orbrandofchewinggumhemightbethusdinningintohismemory。Butforthemostparthewasignored。Eventhenewsboyslookedboredwhenhescamperedlikeacircusclownoutofthewayofcabsandstreetcars。

AtEighthAvenuestood“BuncoHarry，“withhisdyedmustacheandshiny，good-naturedeyes。Harrywastoogoodanartistnottobepainedatthesightofanactoroverdoinghispart。Heedgeduptothecountryman，whohadstoppedtoopenhismouthatajewelrystorewindow，andshookhishead。

“Toothick，pal，“hesaid，critically”toothickbyacoupleofinches。Idon”tknowwhatyourlayis；butyou”vegotthepropertiestoothick。Thathay，now——why，theydon”tevenallowthatonProctor”scircuitanymore。”

“Idon”tunderstandyou，mister，“saidthegreenone。“I”mnotlookin”foranycircus。I”vejustrundownfromUlsterCountytolookatthetown，bein”thatthehayin”soverwith。Gosh！butit”sawhopper。IthoughtPoughkeepsiewassomepunkins；butthisheretownisfivetimesasbig。”

“Oh，well，“said“BuncoHarry，“raisinghiseyebrows，“Ididn”tmeantobuttin。Youdon”thavetotell。Ithoughtyououghttotonedownalittle，soItriedtoputyouwise。Wishyousuccessatyourgraft，whateveritis。Comeandhaveadrink，anyhow。”

“Iwouldn”tmindhavingaglassoflagerbeer，“acknowledgedtheother。

Theywenttoacaf”efrequentedbymenwithsmoothfacesandshiftyeyes，andsatattheirdrinks。

“I”mgladIcomeacrossyou，mister，“saidHaylocks。“How”dyouliketoplayagameortwoofseven-up？I”vegotthekeerds。”

HefishedthemoutofNoah”svalise——arare，inimitabledeck，greasywithbaconsuppersandgrimywiththesoilofcornfields。

“BuncoHarry“laughedloudandbriefly。

“Notforme，sport，“hesaid，firmly。“Idon”tgoagainstthatmake-

upofyoursforacent。ButIstillsayyou”veoverdoneit。TheReubshaven”tdressedlikethatsince”79。IdoubtifyoucouldworkBrooklynforakey-windingwatchwiththatlayout。”

“Oh，youneedn”tthinkIain”tgotthemoney，“boastedHaylocks。

Hedrewforthatightlyrolledmassofbillsaslargeasateacup，andlaiditonthetable。

“Gotthatformyshareofgrandmother”sfarm，“heannounced。

“There”s$950inthatroll。ThoughtI”dcometothecityandlookaroundforalikelybusinesstogointo。”

“BuncoHarry“tookuptherollofmoneyandlookedatitwithalmostrespectinhissmilingeyes。

“I”veseenworse，“hesaid，critically。“Butyou”llneverdoitinthemclothes。Youwanttogetlighttanshoesandablacksuitandastrawhatwithacoloredband，andtalkagooddealaboutPittsburgandfreightdifferentials，anddrinksherryforbreakfastinordertoworkoffphonystufflikethat。”

“What”shisline？“askedtwoorthreeshifty-eyedmenof“BuncoHarry“afterHaylockshadgathereduphisimpugnedmoneyanddeparted。

“Thequeer，Iguess，“saidHarry。“Orelsehe”soneofJerome”smen。Orsomeguywithanewgraft。He”stoomuchhayseed。

Maybethathis——Iwondernow——oh，no，itcouldn”thavebeenrealmoney。”

Haylockswanderedon。Thirstprobablyassailedhimagain，forhedivedintoadarkgroggeryonasidestreetandboughtbeer。Atfirstsightofhimtheireyesbrightened；butwhenhisinsistentandexaggeratedrusticitybecameapparenttheirexpressionschangedtowarysuspicion。

Haylocksswunghisvaliseacrossthebar。

“Keepthatawhileforme，mister，“hesaid，chewingattheendofavirulentclaybankcigar。“I”llbebackafterIknockaroundaspell。

Andkeepyoureyeonit，forthere”s$950insideofit，thoughmaybeyouwouldn”tthinksotolookatme。”

Somewhereoutsideaphonographstruckupabandpiece，andHaylockswasoffforit，hiscoat-tailbuttonsfloppinginthemiddleofhisback。

“Divvy，Mike，“saidthemenhanginguponthebar，winkingopenlyatoneanother。

“Honest，now，“saidthebartender，kickingthevalisetooneside。

“Youdon”tthinkI”dfalltothat，doyou？Anybodycanseeheain”tnojay。OneofMcAdoo”scome-onsquad，Iguess。He”sashineifhemadehimselfup。Thereain”tnopartsofthecountrynowwheretheydresslikethatsincetheyrunruralfreedeliverytoProvidence，RhodeIsland。Ifhe”sgotnine-fiftyinthatvaliseit”saninety-eightcentWaterburythat”sstoppedattenminutestoten。”

WhenHaylockshadexhaustedtheresourcesofMr。Edisontoamusehereturnedforhisvalise。AndthendownBroadwayhegallivanted，cullingthesightswithhiseagerblueeyes。ButstillandevermoreBroadwayrejectedhimwithcurtglancesandsardonicsmiles。Hewastheoldestofthe“gags“thatthecitymustendure。Hewassoflagrantlyimpossible，soultrarustic，soexaggeratedbeyondthemostfreakishproductsofthebarnyard，thehayfieldandthevaudevillestage，thatheexcitedonlywearinessandsuspicion。Andthewispofhayinhishairwassogenuine，sofreshandredolentofthemeadows，soclamorouslyruralthatevenashellgamemanwouldhaveputuphispeasandfoldedhistableatthesightofit。

Haylocksseatedhimselfuponaflightofstonestepsandoncemoreexhumedhisrollofyellow-backsfromthevalise。Theouterone，atwenty，heshuckedoffandbeckonedtoanewsboy。

“Son，“saidhe，“runsomewhereandgetthischangedforme。I”mmightynighoutofchickenfeed。Iguessyou”llgetanickelifyou”llhurryup。”

Ahurtlookappearedthroughthedirtonthenewsy”sface。

“Aw，watchert”ink！G”wanandgetyerfunnybillchangedyerself。

Deyain”tnofarmclothesyergoton。G”wanwityerstagemoney。”

Onacornerloungedakeen-eyedsteererforagambling-house。HewasHaylocks，andhisexpressionsuddenlygrewcoldandvirtuous。

“Mister，“saidtheruralone。“I”veheardofplacesinthisheretownwhereafellowcouldhaveagoodgameofoldsledgeorpegacardatkeno。Igot$950inthisvalise，andIcomedownfromoldUlstertoseethesights。Knowwhereafellowcouldgetactiononabout$9or$10？I”mgoin”tohavesomesport，andthenmaybeI”llbuyoutabusinessofsomekind。”

Thesteererlookedpained，andinvestigatedawhitespeckonhisleftforefingernail。

“Cheeseit，oldman，“hemurmured，reproachfully。“TheCentralOfficemustbebughousetosendyououtlookinglikesuchagillie。

Youcouldn”tgetwithintwoblocksofasidewalkcrapgameinthemTonyPastorprops。TherecentMr。ScottyfromDeathValleyhasgotyoubeatacrosstownblockinthewayofElizabethansceneryandmechanicalaccessories。Letitbeskiddooforyours。

Nay，Iknowofnogildedhallswhereonemaybetapatrolwagonontheace。”

Rebuffedonceagainbythegreatcitythatissoswifttodetectartificialities，Haylockssatuponthecurbandpresentedhisthoughtstoholdaconference。

“It”smyclothes，“saidhe；“durnedifitain”t。TheythinkI”mahayseedandwon”thavenothin”todowithme。NobodynevermadefunofthishatinUlsterCounty。IguessifyouwantfolkstonoticeyouinNewYorkyoumustdressupliketheydo。”

SoHaylockswentshoppinginthebazaarswheremenspakethroughtheirnosesandrubbedtheirhandsandranthetapelineecstaticallyoverthebuldgeinhisinsidepocketwherereposedarednubbinofcornwithanevennumberofrows。AndmessengersbearingparcelsandboxesstreamedtohishotelonBroadwaywithinthelightsofLongAcre。

At9o”clockintheeveningonedescendedtothesidewalkwhomUlsterCountywouldhaveforesworn。Brighttanwerehisshoes；

hishatthelatestblock。Hislightgraytrousersweredeeplycreased；agaybluesilkhandkerchiefflappedfromthebreastpocketofhiselegantEnglishwalkingcoat。Hiscollarmighthavegracedalaundrywindow；hisblondhairwastrimmedclose；thewispofhaywasgone。

Foraninstanthestood，resplendent，withtheleisurelyairofaboulevardierconcoctinginhismindtherouteforhiseveningpleasures。Andthenheturneddownthegay，brightstreetwiththeeasyandgracefultreadofamillionaire。

Butintheinstantthathehadpausedthewisestandkeenesteyesinthecityhadenvelopedhimintheirfieldofvision。Astoutmanwithgrayeyespickedtwoofhisfriendswithaliftofhiseyebrowsfromtherowofloungersinfrontofthehotel。

“ThejuiciestjayI”veseeninsixmonths，“saidthemanwithgrayeyes。“Comealong。”

Itwashalf-pastelevenwhenamangallopedintotheWestForty-

seventhStreetPoliceStationwiththestoryofhiswrongs。

“Ninehundredandfiftydollars，“hegasped，“allmyshareofgrandmother”sfarm。”

ThedeskseargeantwrungfromhimthenameJabezBulltongue，ofLocustValleyfarm，UlsterCounty，andthenbagantotakedescriptionsofthestrong-armgentlemen。

WhenConantwenttoseetheeditoraboutthefateofhispoem，hewasreceivedovertheheadoftheofficeboyintotheinnerofficethatisdecoratedwiththestatuettesbyRodinandJ。G。Brown。

“WhenIreadthefirstlineof”TheDoeandtheBrook”“saidtheeditor，“IknewittobetheworkofonewhoselifehasbeenhearttoheartwithNature。Thefinishedartofthelinedidnotblindmetothatfact。Touseasomewhathomelycomparison，itwasasifawild，freechildofthewoodsandfieldsweretodonthegarboffashionandwalkdownBroadway。Beneaththeapparelthemanwouldshow。”

“Thanks，“saidConant。“IsupposethecheckwillberoundonThursday，asusual。”

Themoralsofthisstoryhavesomehowgottenmixed。Youcantakeyourchoiceof“StayontheFarm“or“Don”tWritePoetry。”

VII

THEROBEOFPEACE

MysteriesfollowoneanothersocloselyinagreatcitythatthereadingpublicandthefriendsofJohnnyBellchambershaveceasedtomarvelathissuddenandunexplaineddisappearancenearlyayearago。Thisparticularmysteryhasnowbeenclearedup，butthesolutionissostrangeandincredibletothemindoftheaveragemanthatonlyaselectfewwhowereinclosetouchwithBellchamberswillgiveitfullcredence。

JohnnyBellchambers，asiswellknown，belongedtotheintrinsicallyinnercircleofthe_”elite_。Withoutanyoftheostentationofthefashionableoneswhoendeavortoattractnoticebyeccentricdisplayofwealthandshowhestillwas_aufait_ineverythingthatgavedeservedlustretohishighpositionintheranksofsociety。

Especiallydidheshineinthematterofdress。Inthishewasthedespairofimitators。Alwayscorrect，exquisitelygroomed，andpossessedofanunlimitedwardrobe，hewasconcededtobethebest-dressedmaninNewYork，and，therefore，inAmerica。TherewasnotatailorinGothamwhowouldnothavedeemeditapreciousboontohavebeengrantedtheprivilegeofmakingBellchambers”clotheswithoutacentofpay。Asheworethem，theywouldhavebeenapricelessadvertisement。Trouserswerehisspecialpassion。Herenothingbutperfectionwouldhenotice。Hewouldhavewornapatchasquicklyashewouldhaveoverlookedawrinkle。Hekeptamaninhisapartmentsalwaysbusypressinghisamplesupply。Hisfriendssaidthatthreehourswasthelimitoftimethathewouldwearthesegarmentswithoutexchanging。

Bellchambersdisappearedverysuddenly。Forthreedayshisabsencebroughtnoalarmtohisfriends，andthentheybegantooperatetheusualmethodsofinquiry。Allofthemfailed。Hehadleftabsolutelynotracebehind。Thenthesearchforamotivewasinstituted，butnonewasfound。Hehadnoenemies，hehadnodebts，therewasnowoman。Therewereseveralthousanddollarsinhisbanktohiscredit。Hehadnevershowedanytendencytowardmentaleccentricity；infact，hewasofaparticularlycalmandwell-balancedtemperament。Everymeansoftracingthevanishedmanwasmadeuseof，butwithoutavail。Itwasoneofthosecases——morenumerousinlateyears——wheremenseemtohavegoneoutliketheflameofacandle，leavingnotevenatrailofsmokeasawitness。

InMay，TomEyresandLancelotGilliam，twoofBellchambers”

oldfriends，wentforalittlerunontheotherside。WhilepotteringaroundinItalyandSwitzerland，theyhappened，oneday，tohearofamonasteryintheSwissAlpsthatpromisedsomethingoutsideoftheordinarytourist-beguilingattractions。Themonasterywasalmostinaccessibletotheaveragesightseer，beingonanextremelyruggedandprecipitousspurofthemountains。Theattractionsitpossessedbutdidnotadvertisewere，first，anexclusiveanddivinecordialmadebythemonksthatwassaidtofarsurpassbenedictineandchartreuse。Nextahugebrassbellsopurelyandaccuratelycastthatithadnotceasedsoundingsinceitwasfirstrungthreehundredyearsago。Finally，itwasassertedthatnoEnglishmanhadeversetfootwithinitswalls。EyresandGilliamdecidedthatthesethreereportscalledforinvestigation。

IttookthemtwodayswiththeaidoftwoguidestoreachthemonasteryofSt。Gondrau。Itstooduponafrozen，wind-sweptcragwiththesnowpiledaboutitintreacherous，driftingmasses。

Theywerehospitablyreceivedbythebrotherswhosedutyitwastoentertaintheinfrequentguest。Theydrankofthepreciouscordial，findingitrarelypotentandreviving。Theylistenedtothegreat，ever-echoingbell，andlearnedthattheywerepioneertravelers，inthosegraystonewalls，overtheEnglishmanwhoserestlessfeethavetroddennearlyeverycorneroftheearth。

Atthreeo”clockontheafternoontheyarrived，thetwoyoungGothamitesstoodwithgoodBrotherCristoferinthegreat，coldhallwayofthemonasterytowatchthemonksmarchpastontheirwaytotherefectory。Theycameslowly，pacingbytwos，withtheirheadsbowed，treadingnoiselesslywithsandaledfeetupontheroughstoneflags。Astheprocessionslowlyfiledpast，EyressuddenlygrippedGilliambythearm。“Look，“hewhispered，eagerly，“attheonejustoppositeyounow——theoneonthisside，withhishandathiswaist——ifthatisn”tJohnnyBellchambersthenI

neversawhim！“

Gilliamsawandrecognizedthelostglassoffashion。

“Whatthedeuce，“saidhe，wonderingly，“isoldBelldoinghere？

Tommy，itsurelycan”tbehe！NeverheardofBellhavingaturnforthereligious。Factis，I”veheardhimsaythingswhenafour-in-

handdidn”tseemtotieupjustrightthatwouldbringhimupforcourt-martialbeforeanychurch。”

“It”sBell，withoutadoubt，“saidEyres，firmly，“orI”mprettybadlyinneedofanoculist。ButthinkofJohnnyBellchambers，theRoyalHighChancellorofswelltogsandtheMahatmaofpinkteas，uphereincoldstoragedoingpenanceinasnuff-coloredbathrobe！Ican”tgetitstraightinmymind。Let”saskthejollyoldboythat”sdoinghonors。”

BrotherCristoferwasappealedtoforinformation。Bythattimethemonkshadpassedintotherefectory。Hecouldnottelltowhichonetheyreferred。Bellchambers？Ah，thebrothersofSt。

Gondrauabandonedtheirworldlynameswhentheytookthevows。

Didthegentlemenwishtospeakwithoneofthebrothers？Iftheywouldcometotherefectoryandindicatetheonetheywishedtosee，thereverendabbotinauthoritywould，doubtless，permitit。

EyresandGilliamwentintothedininghallandpointedouttoBrotherCristoferthemantheyhadseen。Yes，itwasJohnnyBellchambers。Theysawhisfaceplainlynow，ashesatamongthedingybrothers，neverlookingup，eatingbrothfromacoarse，brownbowl。

Permissiontospeaktooneofthebrotherswasgrantedtothetwotravelersbytheabbot，andtheywaitedinareceptionroomforhimtocome。Whenhedidcome，treadingsoftlyinhissandals，bothEyresandGilliamlookedathiminperplexityandastonishment。

ItwasJohnnyBellchambers，buthehadadifferentlook。Uponhissmooth-shavenfacewasanexpressionofineffablepeace，ofrapturousattainment，ofperfectandcompletehappiness。Hisformwasproudlyerect，hiseyesshonewithasereneandgraciouslight。

Hewasasneatandwell-groomedasintheoldNewYorkdays，buthowdifferentlywasheclad！Nowheseemedclothedinbutasinglegarment——alongrobeofroughbrowncloth，gatheredbyacordatthewaist，andfallinginstraight，loosefoldsnearlytohisfeet。Heshookhandswithhisvisitorswithhisoldeaseandgraceofmanner。IftherewasanyembarrassmentinthatmeetingitwasnotmanifestedbyJohnnyBellchambers。Theroomhadnoseats；

theystoodtoconverse。

“Gladtoseeyou，oldman，“saidEyres，somewhatawkwardly。

“Wasn”texpectingtofindyouuphere。Notabadideathough，afterall。Society”sanawfulsham。Mustbearelieftoshakethegiddywhirlandretireto——er——contemplationand——er——prayerandhymns，andthosethings。

“Oh，cutthat，Tommy，“saidBellchambers，cheerfully。“Don”tbeafraidthatI”llpassaroundtheplate。Igothroughthesething-um-

bobswiththerestoftheseoldboysbecausetheyaretherules。I”mBrotherAmbrosehere，youknow。I”mgivenjusttenminutestotalktoyoufellows。That”sratheranewdesigninwaistcoatsyouhaveon，isn”tit，Gilliam？AretheywearingthosethingsonBroadwaynow？“

“It”sthesameoldJohnny，“saidGilliam，joyfully。“Whatthedevil——

Imeanwhy——Oh，confoundit！whatdidyoudoitfor，oldman？“

“Peelthebathrobe，“pleadedEyres，almosttearfully，“andgobackwithus。Theoldcrowd”llgowildtoseeyou。Thisisn”tinyourline，Bell。Iknowhalfadozengirlsthatworethewillowonthequietwhenyoushookusinthatunaccountableway。Handinyourresignation，orgetadispensation，orwhateveryouhavetodotogetareleasefromthisicefactory。You”llgetcatarrhhere，Johnny——

and——MyGod！youhaven”tanysockson！“

Bellchamberslookeddownathissandaledfeetandsmiled。

“Youfellowsdon”tunderstand，“hesaid，soothingly。“It”sniceofyoutowantmetogoback，buttheoldlifewillneverknowmeagain。Ihavereachedherethegoalofallmyambitions。Iamentirelyhappyandcontented。HereIshallremainfortheremainderofmydays。YouseethisrobethatIwear？“

Bellchamberscaressinglytouchedthestraight-hanginggarment：

“AtlastIhavefoundsomethingthatwillnotbagattheknees。I

haveattained”

Atthatmomentthedeepboomofthegreatbrassbellreverberatedthroughthemonastery。Itmusthavebeenasummonstoimmediatedevotions，forBrotherAmbrosebowedhishead，turnedandleftthechamberwithoutanotherword。Aslightwaveofhishandashepassedthroughthestonedoorwayseemedtosayafarewelltohisoldfriends。Theyleftthemonasterywithoutseeinghimagain。

AndthisisthestorythatTommyEyresandLancelotGilliambroughtbackwiththemfromtheirlatestEuropeantour。

VIII

THEGIRLANDTHEGRAFT

TheotherdayIranacrossmyoldfriendFergusonPogue。Pogueisaconscientiousgrafterofthehighesttype。HisheadquartersistheWesternHemisphere，andhislineofbusinessisanythingfromspeculatingintownlotsontheGreatStakedPlainstosellingwoodentoysinConnecticut，madebyhydraulicpressurefromnutmegsgroundtoapulp。

NowandthenwhenPoguehasmadeagoodhaulhecomestoNewYorkforarest。HesaysthejugofwineandloafofbreadandThouinthewildernessbusinessisaboutasmuchrestandpleasuretohimasslidingdownthebumpsatConeywouldbetoPresidentTaft。“Giveme，“saysPogue，“abigcityformyvacation。

EspeciallyNewYork。I”mnotmuchfondofNewYorkers，andManhattanisabouttheonlyplaceontheglobewhereIdon”tfindany。”

WhileinthemetropolisPoguecanalwaysbefoundatoneoftwoplaces。Oneisalittlesecond-handbookshoponFourthAvenue，wherehereadsbooksabouthishobbies，Mahometanismandtaxidermy。Ifoundhimattheother——hishallbedroominEighteenthStreet——wherehesatinhisstockingfeettryingtopluck“TheBanksoftheWabash“outofasmallzither。Fouryearshehaspractisedthistunewithoutarrivingnearenoughtocastthelongesttroutlinetothewater”sedge。Onthedresserlayablued-

steelColt”sforty-fiveandatightrolloftensandtwentieslargeenougharoundtobelongtothespringrattlesnake-storyclass。A

chambermaidwitharoom-cleaningairflutterednearbyinthehall，unabletoenterortoflee，scandalizedbythestockingfeet，aghastattheColt”s，yetpowerless，withhermetropolitaninstincts，toremoveherselfbeyondthemagicinfluenceoftheyellow-huedroll。

IsatonhistrunkwhileFergusonPoguetalked。Noonecouldbefrankerormorecandidinhisconversation。BesidehisexpressionthecryofHenryJamesforlactealnourishmentattheageofonemonthwouldhaveseemedlikeaChaldeancryptogram。Hetoldmestoriesofhisprofessionwithpride，forheconsidereditanart。

AndIwascuriousenoughtoaskhimwhetherhehadknownanywomenwhofollowedit。

“Ladies？“saidPogue，withWesternchivalry。“Well，nottoanygreatextent。Theydon”tamounttomuchinspeciallinesofgraft，becausethey”reallsobusyingenerallines。What？Why，theyhaveto。Who”sgotthemoneyintheworld？Themen。Didyoueverknowamantogiveawomanadollarwithoutanyconsideration？Amanwillshellouthisdusttoanothermanfreeandeasyandgratis。ButifhedropsapennyinoneofthemachinesrunbytheMadamEve”sDaughters”AmalgamatedAssociationandthepineapplechewinggumdon”tfalloutwhenhepullstheleveryoucanhearhimkicktothesuperintendentfourblocksaway。Manisthehardestpropositionawomanhastogoupagainst。He”sthelow-gradeone，andshehastoworkovertimetomakehimpay。Twotimesoutoffiveshe”ssalted。Shecan”tputincrushersandcostlymachinery。He”dnotice”emandbeontothegame。Theyhavetopanoutwhattheyget，andithurtstheirtenderhands。Someof”emarenaturalsluicetroughsandcancarryout$1，000totheton。Thedry-eyedoneshavetodependonsignedletters，falsehair，sympathy，thekangaroowalk，cowhidewhips，abilitytocook，sentimentaljuries，conversationalpowers，silkunderskirts，ancestry，rouge，anonymousletters，violetsachetpowders，witnesses，revolvers，pneumaticforms，carbolicacid，moonlight，coldcreamandtheeveningnewspapers。”

“Youareoutrageous，Ferg，“Isaid。“Surelythereisnoneofthis”graft”asyoucallit，inaperfectandharmoniousmatrimonialunion！“

“Well，“saidPogue，“nothingthatwouldjustifyyoueverytimeincallingPoliceHeadquartersandorderingoutthereservesandavaudevillemanageronadeadrun。Butit”sthisway：Supposeyou”reaFifthAvenuemillionaire，soaringhigh，ontherightsideofcopperandcappers。

“Youcomehomeatnightandbringa$9，000，000diamondbroochtotheladywho”sstakedyourforaclaim。Youhanditover。Shesays，”Oh，George！”andlookstoseeifit”sbacked。Shecomesupandkissesyou。You”vewaitedforit。Yougetit。Allright。It”sgraft。

“ButI”mtellingyouaboutArtemisiaBlye。ShewasfromKansasandshesuggestedcorninallofitsphases。Herhairwasasyellowasthesilk；herformwasastallandgracefulasastalkinthelowgroundsduringawetsummer；hereyeswereasbigandstartlingasbunions，andgreenwasherfavoritecolor。

“OnmylasttripintothecoolrecessesofyoursequesteredcityI

metahumannamedVaucross。Hewasworth——thatis，hehadamillion。Hetoldmehewasinbusinessonthestreet。”Asidewalkmerchant？”saysI，sarcastic。”Exactly”sayshe，”Seniorpartnerofapavingconcern。”

“Ikindoftooktohim。Forthisreason，ImethimonBroadwayonenightwhenIwasoutofheart，luck，tobaccoandplace。Hewasallsilkhat，diamondsandfront。Hewasallfront。Ifyouhadgonebehindhimyouwouldhaveonlylookedyourselfintheface。

IlookedlikeacrossbetweenCountTolstoyandaJunelobster。I

wasoutofluck。Ihad——butletmelaymyeyesonthatdealeragain。

“Vaucrossstoppedandtalkedtomeafewminutesandthenhetookmetoahigh-tonedrestauranttoeatdinner。Therewasmusic，andthensomeBeethoven，andBordelaisesauce，andcussinginFrench，andfrangipangi，andsomehauteurandcigarettes。WhenI

amflushIknowthemplaces。

“Ideclare，ImusthavelookedasbadasamagazineartistsittingtherewithoutanymoneyandmyhairallrumpledlikeIwasbookedtoreadachapterfrom”Elsie”sSchoolDays”ataBrooklynBohemiansmoker。ButVaucrosstreatedmelikeabearhunter”sguide。Hewasn”tafraidofhurtingthewaiter”sfeelings。

“”Mr。Pogue”heexplainstome，”Iamusingyou。”

“”Goon”saysI；”Ihopeyoudon”twakeup。”

“Andthenhetellsme，youknow，thekindofmanhewas。HewasaNewYorker。Hiswholeambitionwastobenoticed。Hewantedtobeconspicuous。Hewantedpeopletopointhimoutandbowtohim，andtellotherswhohewas。Hesaidithadbeenthedesireofhislifealways。Hedidn”thavebutamillion，sohecouldn”tattractattentionbyspendingmoney。Hesaidhetriedtogetintopublicnoticeonetimebyplantingalittlepublicsquareontheeastsidewithgarlicforfreeuseofthepoor；butCarnegieheardofit，andcovereditoveratoncewithalibraryintheGaeliclanguage。

Threetimeshehadjumpedinthewayofautomibiles；buttheonlyresultwasfivebrokenribsandanoticeinthepapersthatanunknownman，fivefeetten，withfouramalgam-filledteeth，supposedtobethelastofthefamousRedLearyganghadbeenrunover。

“”Evertrythereporters”Iaskedhim。

“”Lastmonth”saysMr。Vaucross，”myexpenditureforlunchestoreporterswas$124。80。”

“”Getanythingoutofthat？”Iasks。

“”Thatremindsme”sayshe；”add$8。50forperpsin。Yes，Igotindigestion。”

“”HowamIsupposedtopushalongyourscrambleforprominence？”

Iinquires。”Contrast？”

“”Somethingofthatsortto-night”saysVaucross。”Itgrievesme；

butIamforcedtoresorttoeccentricity。”Andherehedropshisnapkininhissoupandrisesupandbowstoagentwhoisdevastatingapotatounderapalmacrosstheroom。

“”ThePoliceCommissioner”saysmyclimber，gratified。”Friend”，saysI，inahurry，”haveambitionsbutdon”tkickarungoutofyourladder。WhenyouusemeasasteppingstonetosalutethepoliceyouspoilmyappetiteonthegroundsthatImaybedegradedandincriminated。Bethoughtful。”

“AttheQuakerCitysquabencasseroletheideaaboutArtemisiaBlyecomestome。

“”SupposeIcanmanagetogetyouinthepapers”saysI——”acolumnortwoeverydayinallof”emandyourpictureinmostof”emforaweek。Howmuchwoulditbeworthtoyou？”

“”Tenthousanddollars”saysVaucross，warminaminute。”Butnomurder”sayshe；”andIwon”twearpinkpantsatacotillon。”

“”Iwouldn”taskyouto”saysI。”Thisishonorable，stylishanduneffiminate。Tellthewaitertobringademitasseandsomeotherbeans，andIwilldisclosetoyoutheopusmoderandi。”

“Weclosedthedealanhourlaterintherococorougeetnoiseroom。ItelegraphedthatnighttoMissArtemisiainSalina。ShetookacoupleofphotographsandanautographlettertoanelderintheFourthPresbyterianChurchinthemorning，andgotsometransportationand$80。ShestoppedinTopekalongenoughtotradeaflashlightinteriorandavalentinetothevice-presidentofatrustcompanyforamileagebookandapackageoffive-dollarnoteswith$250scrawledontheband。

“Thefiftheveningaftershegotmywireshewaswaiting，alld”ecollet”eeanddressedup，formeandVaucrosstotakehertodinnerinoneoftheseNewYorkfeminineapartmenthouseswhereamancan”tgetinunlessheplaysbeziqueandsmokesdepilatorypowdercigarettes。

“”She”sastunner”saysVaucrosswhenhesawher。”They”llgiveheratwo-columncutsure。”

“Thiswastheschemethethreeofusconcocted。Itwasbusinessstraightthrough。VaucrosswastorushMissBlyewithallthestyleanddisplayandemotionhecouldforamonth。Ofcourse，thatamountedtonothingasfarashisambitionswereconcerned。Thesightofamaninawhitetieandpatentleatherpumpspouringgreenbacksthroughthelargeendofacornucopiatopurchasenutrimentandheartseasefortall，willowyblondesinNewYorkisascommonasightasblueturtlesindeliriumtremens。Buthewastowriteherloveletters——theworstkindofloveletters，suchasyourwifepublishesafteryouaredead——everyday。Attheendofthemonthhewastodropher，andshewouldbringsuitfor$100，000

forbreachofpromise。

“MissArtemisiawastoget$10，000。Ifshewonthesuitthatwasall；andifshelostshewastogetitanyhow。Therewasasignedcontracttothateffect。

“Sometimestheyhadmeoutwith”em，butnotoften。Icouldn”tkeepuptotheirstyle。Sheusedtopullouthisnotesandcriticizethemlikebillsoflading。

“”Say，you！”she”dsay。”Whatdoyoucallthis——lettertoaHardwareMerchantfromHisNephewonLearningthatHisAuntHasNettlerash？YouEasternduffersknowasmuchaboutwritinglovelettersasaKansasgrasshopperdoesabouttugboats。“MydearMissBlye！“——wouldn”tthatputpinkicingandalittleredsugarbirdonyourbridalcake？Howlongdoyouexpecttoholdanaudienceinacourt-roomwiththatkindofstuff？Youwanttogetdowntobusiness，andcallme“TweedlumsBabe“and“Honeysuckle，“andsingyourself“Mama”sOwnBigBadPuggyWuggyBoy“ifyouwantanylimelighttoconcentrateuponyoursparsegrayhairs。Getsappy。”

“AfterthatVaucrossdippedhispenintheindelibletabasco。Hisnotesreadlikesomethingorotherintheoriginal。Icouldseeajurysittingup，andwomentearingoneanother”shatstohear”emread。AndIcouldseepilingupforMr。VaucrossasmuchnotoriousnessasArchbishopCrammerortheBrooklynBridgeorcheese-on-saladeverenjoyed。Heseemedmightypleasedattheprospects。

“Theyagreedonanight；andIstoodonFifthAvenueoutsideasolemnrestaurantandwatched”em。Aprocess-serverwalkedinandhandedVaucrossthepapersatthistable。Everybodylookedat”em；andhelookedasproudasCicero。Iwentbacktomyroomandlitafive-centcigar，forIknewthe$10，000wasasgoodasours。

“Abouttwohourslatersomebodyknockedatmydoor。TherestoodVaucrossandMissArtemisia，andshewasclinging——yes，sir，clinging——tohisarm。Andtheytellsmethey”dbeenoutandgotmarried。Andtheyarticulatedsometrivialcadencesaboutloveandsuch。Andtheylaiddownabundleonthetableandsaid”Goodnight”andleft。

“Andthat”swhyIsay，“concludedFergusonPogue，“thatawomanistoobusyoccupiedwithhernaturalvocationandinstinctofgraftsuchasisgivenherforself-preservationandamusementtomakeanygreatsuccessinspeciallines。”

“Whatwasinthebundletheyleft？“Iasked，withmyusualcuriosity。

“Why，“saidFerguson，“therewasascalper”srailroadticketasfarasKansasCityandtwopairsofMr。Vaucross”soldpants。”

IX

THECALLOFTHETAME

Whentheinaugurationwasaccomplished——theproceedingsweremadesmoothbythepresenceoftheRoughRiders——itiswellknownthataherdofthosecompetentandloyalex-warrriorspaidavisittothebigcity。Thenewspaperreportersdugoutoftheirtrunkstheoldbroad-brimmedhatsandleatherbeltsthattheyweartoNorthBeachfishfries，andmixedwiththevisitors。Nodamagewasdonebeyondtheemploymentofthewonderfulplural“tenderfeet“

ineachofthescribe”sstories。TheWesternersmildlycontemplatedtheskyscrapersashighasthethirdstory，yawnedatBroadway，huncheddowninthebigchairsinhotelcorridors，andaltogetherlookedasboredanddejectedasamemberofYeAncientandHonorableArtilleryseparatedduringashambattlefromhisvalet。

OutofthissightseeingdelegationsofgoodKingTeddy”sGentlemenoftheRoyalBear-houndsdroppedoneGreenbrierNye，ofPinFeather，Ariz。

ThedailycycloneofSixthAvenue”srushhourswepthimawayfromthecompanyofhispardnerstrue。Thedustfromathousandrustlingskirtsfilledhiseyes。Themightyroaroftrainsrushingacrosstheskydeafenedhim。Thelightning-flashoftwicetenhundredbeamingeyesconfusedhisvision。

ThestormwassosuddenandtremendousthatGreenbrier”sfirstimpulsewastoliedownandgrabaroot。Andthenherememberedthatthedisturbancewashuman，andnotelemental；andhebackedoutofitwithagrinintoadoorway。

ThereportershadwrittenthatbutforthewidebrimmedhatstheWestwasnotvisibleuponthesegauchosoftheNorth。Heavensharpentheireyes！Thesuitofblackdiagonal，wrinkledinimpossibleplaces；thebrightbluefour-in-hand，factorytied；thelow，turned-downcollar，patternofthedaysofSeymourandBlair，whiteglazedasthelettersonthewindowoftheopen-day-and-

night-except-Sundayrestaurants；theout-curveatthekneesfromthesaddlegrip；thepeculiarspreadofthehalf-closedrightthumbandfingersfromthestiffholduponthecirclinglasso；thedeeplyabsorbedweathertanthatthehottestsunofCapeMaycanneverequal；theseldom-winkingblueeyesthatunconsciouslydividedtherushingcrowdsintofours，asthoughtheywerebeingcountedoutofacorral；thesegregatedlonelinessandsolemnityofexpression，asofanEmperororofonewhosehorizonshavenotintrudeduponhimnearerthanaday”sride——thesebrandsoftheWestweresetuponGreenbrierNye。Oh，yes；heworeabroadbrimmedhat，gentlereader——justlikethosetheMadisonSquarePostOfficemailcarrierswearwhentheygouptoBronxParkonSundayafternoons。

SuddenlyGreenbrierNyejumpedintothedriftingherdofmetropolitancattle，seizeduponaman，draggedhimoutofthestreamandgavehimabuffetuponhiscollarbonethatsenthimreelingagainstawall。

Thevictimrecoveredhishat，withtheangrylookofaNewYorkerwhohassufferedanoutrageandintendstowritetotheTrib。aboutit。Buthelookedathisassailant，andknewthattheblowwasinconsiderationofloveandaffectionafterthemanneroftheWest，whichgreetsitsfriendswithcontumelyanduproarandpoundingfists，andreceivesitsenemiesindecorumandorder，suchasthejudiciousplacingofthewelcomingbulletdemands。

“Godinthemountains！“criedGreenbrier，holdingfasttotheforelegofhiscull。“CanthisbeLonghornMerritt？“

Theothermanwas——oh，lookonBroadwayanydayforthepattern——

businessman——latestrolled-brimderby——goodbarber，business，digestionandtailor。

“GreenbrierNye！“heexclaimed，graspingthehandthathadsmittenhim。“Mydearfellow！Sogladtoseeyou！Howdidyoucometo——oh，tobesure——theinauguralceremonies——IrememberyoujoinedtheRoughRiders。Youmustcomeandhaveluncheonwithme，ofcourse。”

Greenbrierpinnedhimsadlybutfirmlytothewallwithahandthesize，shapeandcolorofaMcClellansaddle。

“Longy，“hesaid，inamelancholyvoicethatdisturbedtraffic，“whathavetheybeendoingtoyou？Youactjustlikeacitizen。

Theydonemadeyouintoaninmateofthecitydirectory。YounevermadenosuchJohnnyBranchexecrationofyourselfasthatoutontheGila。”Comeandhavelunchingwithme！”Youneverdefinedgrubbyanysuchtermsofreproachinthemdays。”

“I”vebeenlivinginNewYorksevenyears，“saidMerritt。“It”sbeeneightsincewepunchedcowstogetherinOldManGarcia”soutfit。Well，let”sgotoacaf”e，anyhow。Itsoundsgoodtohearitcalled”grub”again。”

Theypickedtheirwaythroughthecrowdtoahotel，anddrifted，asbyanaturallaw，tothebar。

“Speakup，“invitedGreenbrier。

“AdryMartini，“saidMerritt。

“Oh，Lord！“criedGreenbrier；“andyetmeandyouoncesawthesamepinkGilamonsterscrawlingupthewallsofthesamehotelinCa~nonDiablo！Adry——butletthatpass。Whiskeystraight——andthey”reonyou。”

Merrittsmiled，andpaid。

Theylunchedinasmallextensionofthediningroomthatconnectedwiththecaf”e。Merrittdexterouslydivertedhisfriend”schoice，thathoveredoverhamandeggs，toapur”eeofcelery，asalmoncutlet，apartridgepieandadesirablesalad。

“Ontheday，“saidGreenbrier，grievedandthunderous，“whenI

can”tholdbutonedrinkbeforeeatingwhenImeetafriendIain”tseenineightyearsata2by4tableinathirty-centtownat1

o”clockonthethirddayoftheweek，Iwantninebroncostokickmefortytimesovera640-acresectionofland。Getthemstatistics？“

“Right，oldman，“laughedMerritt。“Waiter，bringanabsinthefrapp”eand——what”syours，Greenbrier？“

“Whiskeystraight，“mournedNye。“Outoftheneckofabottleyouusedtotakeit，Longy——straightoutoftheneckofabottleonagallopingpony——Arizonaredeye，notthisab——oh，what”stheuse？

They”reonyou。”

Merrittslippedthewinecardunderhisglass。

“Allright。IsupposeyouthinkI”mspoiledbythecity。I”masgoodaWesternerasyouare，Greenbrier；but，somehow，Ican”tmakeupmymindtogobackoutthere。NewYorkiscomfortable——

comfortable。Imakeagoodliving，andIliveit。Nomorewetblanketsandridingherdinsnowstorms，andbaconandcoldcoffee，andblowoutsonceinsixmonthsforme。IreckonI”llhangouthereinthefuture。We”lltakeinthetheatreto-night，Greenbrier，andafterthatwe”lldineat”

“I”lltellyouwhatyouare。Merritt，“saidGreenbrier，layingoneelbowinhissaladandtheotherinhisbutter。“Youareaconcentrated，effete，unconditional，short-sleeved，gotch-earedMissSallyWalker。Godmadeyouperpendicularandsuitabletoridestraddleandusecusswordsintheoriginal。WhereforeyouhavesufferedhishandiworktoelapsebyremovingyourselftoNewYorkandputtingonlittleshoestiedwithstrings，andmakingfaceswhenyoutalk。I”veseenyouropeandtieasteerin421/2。

Ifyouwastoseeonenowyou”dwritetothePoliceCommissioneraboutit。Andtheseflapdoodledrinksthatyouinoculateyoursystemwith——theselittleessencesofcowslipwithacornsin”em，andparegoricflip——theyain”tanywaysinassentwiththecordialityofmanhood。Ihatetoseeyouthisway。”

“Well，Mr。Greenbrier，“saidMerritt，withapologyinhistone，“inawayyouareright。SometimesIdofeellikeIwasbeingraisedonthebottle。But，Itellyou，NewYorkiscomfortable——comfortable。

There”ssomethingaboutit——thesightsandthecrowds，andthewayitchangeseveryday，andtheveryairofitthatseemstotieaone-

mile-longstakeropearoundaman”sneck，withtheotherendfastenedsomewhereaboutThirty-fourthStreet。Idon”tknowwhatitis。”

“Godknows，“saidGreenbriersadly，“andIknow。TheEasthasgobbledyouup。Youwasvenison，andnowyou”reveal。Youputmeinmindofajaponicainawindow。You”vebeensigned，sealedanddiskivered。Requiescatinhocsigno。Youmakemethirsty。”

“Agreenchartreusehere，“saidMerritttothewaiter。

“Whiskeystraight，“sighedGreenbrier，“andthey”reonyou，yourenegadeoftheround-ups。”

“Guilty，withanapplicationformercy，“saidMerritt。“Youdon”tknowhowitis，Greenbrier。It”ssocomfortableherethat”

“Pleaseloanmeyoursmellingsalts，“pleadedGreenbrier。“IfI

hadn”tseenyouoncebluffthreebluffersfromMazatzalCitywithanemptyguninPhoenix”

Greenbrier”svoicediedawayinpuregrief。

“Cigars！“hecalledharshlytothewaiter，tohidehisemotion。

“ApackofTurkishcigarettesformine，“saidMerritt。

“They”reonyou，“chantedGreenbrier，strugglingtoconcealhiscontempt。

AtseventheydinedintheWhere-to-Dine-Wellcolumn。

Thateveningagalaxyhadassembledthere。Brightshonethelightso”erfairwomenandbr——letitgo，anyhow——bravemen。Theorchestraplayedcharmingly。Hardlyhadatipfromadinerbeenplacedinitshandsbyawaiterwhenitwouldburstforthintosoniferousness。ThemorebeeryoucontributedtoitthemoreMeyerbeeritgaveyou。Whichisreciprocity。

Merrittputforthexertionsonthedinner。Greenbrierwashisoldfriend，andhelikedhim。Hepersuadedhimtodrinkacocktail。

“Itakethehorehoundtea，“saidGreenbrier，“foroldtimes”sake。

ButI”dpreferwhiskeystraight。They”reonyou。”

“Right！“saidMerritt。“Now，runyoureyedownthatbilloffareandseeifitseemstohitchonanyoftheseitems。”

“Laymeonmylavabed！“saidGreenbrier，withbulgingeyes。“Allthesespecimensofnutrimentinthegrubwagon！What”sthis？

Horsewiththeheaves？Ipass。Butlookalong！Here”struckfortwentyroundupsallspelledoutindifferentdirections。WaittillI

see。”

Theviandsordered，Merrittturnedtothewinelist。

“ThisMedocisn”tbad，“hesuggested。

“You”rethedoc，“saidGreenbrier。“I”dratherhavewhiskeystraight。It”sonyou。”

Greenbrierlookedaroundtheroom。Thewaiterbroughtthingsandtookdishesaway。Hewasobserving。HesawaNewYorkrestaurantcrowdenjoyingitself。

“HowwastherangewhenyoulefttheGila？“askedMerritt。

“Fine，“saidGreenbrier。“Youseethatladyintheredspeckledsilkatthattable。Well，shecouldwarmoverherbeansatmycampfire。

Yes，therangewasgood。ShelooksasniceasawhitemustangI

seeonceonBlackRiver。”

Whenthecoffeecame，Greenbrierputonefootontheseatofthechairnexttohim。

“Yousaiditwasacomfortabletown，Longy，“hesaid，meditatively。

“Yes，it”sacomfortabletown。It”sdifferentfromtheplainsinabluenorther。Whatdidyoucallthatmessinthecrockwiththehandle，Longy？Oh，yes，squabsinacashroll。They”reworththeroll。Thatwhitemustanghadjustsuchawayofturninghisheadandshakinghismane——lookather，Longy。IfIthoughtIcouldselloutmyranchatafairprice，IbelieveI”d——

“Gyar——song！“hesuddenlycried，inavoicethatparalyzedeveryknifeandforkintherestaurant。

Thewaiterdivedtowardthetable。

“Twomoreofthemcocktaildrinks，“orderedGreenbrier。

Merrittlookedathimandsmiledsignificantly。

“They”reonme，“saidGreenbrier，blowingapuffofsmoketotheceiling。