第38章

“Nevermind。Iwasyoungthen，andIkissedthem。IwonderedhowIcouldmakethemostofmytrouvaille，anddecidedthatIwouldcallatyourhotelwiththemthatafternoon。Itrained，andI

waitedtillnextday。Icalled，andyouweregone。”

“Yes。”answeredshe，withdrymelancholy。“Mymother，knowingmydisposition，saidshehadnowishforsuchachitasmetogofallinginlovewithanimpecuniousstudent，andspiritedmeawaytoBaden。AsitisalloverandpastI’lltellyouonething：I

shouldhavesentyoualinepassingwarmhadIknownyourname。

ThatnameIneverknewtillmymaidsaid，asyoupassedupthehotelstairsamonthago，’There’sDr。Fitzpiers。’“

“GoodHeaven！”saidFitzpiers，musingly。“Howthetimecomesbacktome！Theevening，themorning，thedew，thespot。WhenIfoundthatyoureallyweregoneitwasasifacoldironhadbeenpasseddownmyback。IwentuptowhereyouhadstoodwhenIlastsawyou——Iflungmyselfonthegrass，and——beingnotmuchmorethanaboy——myeyeswereliterallyblindedwithtears。Nameless，unknowntomeasyouwere，Icouldn’tforgetyourvoice。”

“Forhowlong？”

“Oh——eversolong。Daysanddays。”

“Daysanddays！ONLYdaysanddays？Oh，theheartofaman！Daysanddays！”

“But，mydearmadam，Ihadnotknownyoumorethanadayortwo。

Itwasnotafull-blownlove——itwasthemerestbud——red，fresh，vivid，butsmall。Itwasacolossalpassioninposse，agiantinembryo。Itnevermatured。”

“Somuchthebetter，perhaps。”

“Perhaps。Butseehowpowerlessisthehumanwillagainstpredestination。Wewerepreventedmeeting；wehavemet。Onefeatureofthecaseremainsthesameamidmanychanges。Youarestillrich，andIamstillpoor。Betterthanthat，youhave(judgingbyyourlastremark)outgrownthefoolish，impulsivepassionsofyourearlygirl-hood。Ihavenotoutgrownmine。”

“Ibegyourpardon。”saidshe，withvibrationsofstrongfeelinginherwords。“Ihavebeenplacedinapositionwhichhinderssuchoutgrowings。Besides，Idon’tbelievethatthegenuinesubjectsofemotiondooutgrowthem；Ibelievethattheoldersuchpeoplegettheworsetheyare。Possiblyatninetyorahundredtheymayfeeltheyarecured；butamerethreescoreandtenwon’tdoit——atleastforme。”

Hegazedatherinundisguisedadmiration。Herewasasoulofsouls！

“Mrs。Charmond，youspeaktruly。”heexclaimed。“Butyouspeaksadlyaswell。Whyisthat？”

“IalwaysamsadwhenIcomehere。”shesaid，droppingtoalowtonewithasenseofhavingbeentoodemonstrative。

“ThenmayIinquirewhyyoucame？”

“Amanbroughtme。Womenarealwayscarriedaboutlikecorksuponthewavesofmasculinedesires。IhopeIhavenotalarmedyou；

butHintockhasthecuriouseffectofbottlinguptheemotionstillonecannolongerholdthem；Iamoftenobligedtoflyawayanddischargemysentimentssomewhere，orIshoulddieoutright。”

“Thereisverygoodsocietyinthecountyforthosewhohavetheprivilegeofenteringit。”

“Perhapsso。Butthemiseryofremotecountrylifeisthatyourneighborshavenotolerationfordifferenceofopinionandhabit。

MyneighborsthinkIamanatheist，exceptthosewhothinkIamaRomanCatholic；andwhenIspeakdisrespectfullyoftheweatherorthecropstheythinkIamablasphemer。”

Shebrokeintoalowmusicallaughattheidea。

“Youdon’twishmetostayanylonger？”heinquired，whenhefoundthatsheremainedmusing。

“No——Ithinknot。”

“ThentellmethatIamtobegone。”

“Why？Cannotyougowithout？”

“Imayconsultmyownfeelingsonly，iflefttomyself。”

“Well，ifyoudo，whatthen？Doyousupposeyou’llbeinmyway？”

“Ifeareditmightbeso。”

“Thenfearnomore。Butgood-night。Cometo-morrowandseeifI

amgoingonright。Thisrenewalofacquaintancetouchesme。I

havealreadyafriendshipforyou。”

“Ifitdependsuponmyselfitshalllastforever。”

“Mybesthopesthatitmay。Good-by。”

Fitzpierswentdownthestairsabsolutelyunabletodecidewhethershehadsentforhiminthenaturalalarmwhichmighthavefollowedhermishap，orwiththesingleviewofmakingherselfknowntohimasshehaddone，forwhichthecapsizehadaffordedexcellentopportunity。Outsidethehousehemusedo