第3章

“Hope！，Mortimer，youknownomorewhatyouaretalkingaboutthanthechildunborn。Ifyouwould——，AsIlive，thedirectionssaygiveoneteaspoonfulonceanhour！，Onceanhour！——asifwehadawholeyearbeforeustosavethechildin！，Mortimer，pleasehurry。Givethepoorperishingthingatablespoonful，andtrytobequick！”

“Why，mydear，atablespoonfulmight——“

“Don’tdrivemefrantic！，……There，there，there，myprecious，myown;it’snastybitterstuff，butit’sgoodforNelly——goodformother’spreciousdarling;anditwillmakeherwell。There，there，there，putthelittleheadonmamma’sbreastandgotosleep，andprettysoon——oh，Iknowshecan’tlivetillmorning！，Mortimer，atablespoonfuleveryhalf-hourwill——Oh，thechildneedsbelladonna，too;Iknowshedoes——andaconite。Getthem，Mortimer。Nowdoletmehavemyway。Youknownothingaboutthesethings。”

Wenowwenttobed，placingthecribclosetomywife’spillow。Allthisturmoilhadwornuponme，andwithintwominutesIwassomethingmorethanhalfasleep。Mrs。McWilliamsrousedme：

“Darling，isthatregisterturnedon？”

“No。”

“Ithoughtasmuch。Pleaseturnitonatonce。Thisroomiscold。”

Iturnediton，andpresentlyfellasleepagain。Iwasarousedoncemore：

“Dearie，wouldyoumindmovingthecribtoyoursideofthebed？，Itisnearertheregister。”

Imovedit，buthadacollisionwiththerugandwokeupthechild。I

dozedoffoncemore，whilemywifequietedthesufferer。Butinalittlewhilethesewordscamemurmuringremotelythroughthefogofmydrowsiness：

“Mortimer，ifweonlyhadsomegoosegrease——willyouring？”

Iclimbeddreamilyout，andsteppedonacat，whichrespondedwithaprotestandwouldhavegotaconvincingkickforitifachairhadnotgotitinstead。

“Now，Mortimer，whydoyouwanttoturnupthegasandwakeupthechildagain？”

“BecauseIwanttoseehowmuchIamhurt，Caroline。”

“Well，lookatthechair，too——Ihavenodoubtitisruined。Poorcat，supposeyouhad——“

“NowIamnotgoingtosupposeanythingaboutthecat。ItneverwouldhaveoccurredifMariahadbeenallowedtoremainhereandattendtotheseduties，whichareinherlineandarenotinmine。”

“Now，Mortimer，Ishouldthinkyouwouldbeashamedtomakearemarklikethat。ItisapityifyoucannotdothefewlittlethingsIaskofyouatsuchanawfultimeasthiswhenourchild——“

“There，there，Iwilldoanythingyouwant。ButIcan’traiseanybodywiththisbell。They’reallgonetobed。Whereisthegoosegrease？”

“Onthemantelpieceinthenursery。Ifyou’llstepthereandspeaktoMaria——“

Ifetchedthegoosegreaseandwenttosleepagain。OncemoreIwascalled：

“Mortimer，Isohatetodisturbyou，buttheroomisstilltoocoldformetotrytoapplythisstuff。Wouldyoumindlightingthefire？，Itisallreadytotouchamatchto。”

Idraggedmyselfoutandlitthefire，andthensatdowndisconsolate。

“Mortimer，don’tsitthereandcatchyourdeathofcold。Cometobed。”

AsIwassteppinginshesaid：

“Butwaitamoment。Pleasegivethechildsomemoreofthemedicine。”

WhichIdid。Itwasamedicinewhichmadeachildmoreorlesslively;

somywifemadeuseofitswakingintervaltostripitandgreaseitalloverwiththegooseoil。Iwassoonasleeponcemore，butoncemoreI

hadtogetup。

“Mortimer，Ifeeladraft。Ifeelitdistinctly。Thereisnothingsobadforthisdiseaseasadraft。Pleasemovethecribinfrontofthefire。”

Ididit;andcollidedwiththerugagain，whichIthrewinthefire。

Mrs。McWilliamssprangoutofbedandrescueditandwehadsomewords。

Ihadanothertriflingintervalofsleep，andthengotup，byrequest，andconstructedaflax-seedpoultice。Thiswasplaceduponthechild’sbreastandlefttheretodoitshealingwork。

Awood-fireisnotapermanentthing。Igotupeverytwentyminutesandrenewedours，andthisgaveMrs。McWilliamstheopportunitytoshortenthetimesofgivingthemedicinesbytenminutes，whichwasagreatsatisfactiontoher。Nowandthen，betweentimes，Ireorganizedtheflax-seedpoultices，andappliedsinapismsandothersortsofblisterswhereunoccupiedplacescouldbefounduponthechild。Well，towardmorningthewoodgaveoutandmywifewantedmetogodowncellarandgetsomemore。Isaid：

“Mydear，itisalaboriousjob，andthechildmustbenearlywarmenough，withherextraclothing。Nowmightn’tweputonanotherlayerofpoulticesand——“

Ididnotfinish，becauseIwasinterrupted。Iluggedwoodupfrombelowforsomelittletime，andthenturnedinandfelltosnoringasonlyamancanwhosestrengthisallgoneandwhosesouliswornout。JustatbroaddaylightIfeltagriponmyshoulderthatbroughtmetomysensessuddenly。Mywifewasglaringdownuponmeandgasping。Assoonasshecouldcommandhertongueshesaid：

“Itisallover！，Allover！，Thechild’sperspiring！，Whatshallwedo？”

“Mercy，howyouterrifyme！，Idon’tknowwhatweoughttodo。Maybeifwescrapedherandputherinthedraftagain——“

“Oh，idiot！，Thereisnotamomenttolose！，Goforthedoctor。

Goyourself。Tellhimhemustcome，deadoralive。”

Idraggedthatpoorsickmanfromhisbedandbroughthim。Helookedatthechildandsaidshewasnotdying。Thiswasjoyunspeakabletome，butitmademywifeasmadasifhehadofferedherapersonalaffront。

Thenhesaidthechild’scoughwasonlycausedbysometriflingirritationorotherinthethroat。AtthisIthoughtmywifehadamindtoshowhimthedoor。Nowthedoctorsaidhewouldmakethechildcoughharderanddislodgethetrouble。Sohegavehersomethingthatsentherintoaspasmofcoughing，andpresentlyupcamealittlewoodsplinterorso。

“Thischildhasnomembranouscroup，“saidhe。”Shehasbeenchewingabitofpineshingleorsomethingofthekind，andgotsomelittlesliversinherthroat。Theywon’tdoheranyhurt。”

“No，“saidI，“Icanwellbelievethat。Indeed，theturpentinethatisinthemisverygoodforcertainsortsofdiseasesthatarepeculiartochildren。Mywifewilltellyouso。”

Butshedidnot。Sheturnedawayindisdainandlefttheroom;andsincethattimethereisoneepisodeinourlifewhichweneverreferto。

Hencethetideofourdaysflowsbyindeepanduntroubledserenity。

[VeryfewmarriedmenhavesuchanexperienceasMcWilliams’s，andsotheauthorofthisbookthoughtthatmaybethenoveltyofitwouldgiveitapassinginteresttothereader。]

MYFIRSTLITERARYVENTURE

Iwasaverysmartchildattheageofthirteen——anunusuallysmartchild，Ithoughtatthetime。ItwasthenthatIdidmyfirstnewspaperscribbling，andmostunexpectedlytomeitstirredupafinesensationinthecommunity。Itdid，indeed，andIwasveryproudofit，too。Iwasaprinter’s“devil，“andaprogressiveandaspiringone。Myunclehadmeonhispaper(theWeeklyHannibaljournal，twodollarsayearinadvance——fivehundredsubscribers，andtheypaidincordwood，cabbages，andunmarketableturnips)，andonaluckysummer’sdayhelefttowntobegoneaweek，andaskedmeifIthoughtIcouldeditoneissueofthepaperjudiciously。Ah！didn’tIwanttotry！，Higginswastheeditorontherivalpaper。Hehadlatelybeenjilted，andonenightafriendfoundanopennoteonthepoorfellow’sbed，inwhichhestatedthathecouldnotlongerendurelifeandhaddrownedhimselfinBearCreek。ThefriendrandownthereanddiscoveredHigginswadingbacktoshore。Hehadconcludedhewouldn’t。Thevillagewasfullofitforseveraldays，butHigginsdidnotsuspectit。Ithoughtthiswasafineopportunity。

Iwroteanelaboratelywretchedaccountofthewholematter，andthenillustrateditwithvillainouscutsengravedonthebottomsofwoodentypewithajackknife——oneofthemapictureofHigginswadingoutintothecreekinhisshirt，withalantern，soundingthedepthofthewaterwithawalking-stick。Ithoughtitwasdesperatelyfunny，andwasdenselyunconsciousthattherewasanymoralobliquityaboutsuchapublication。BeingsatisfiedwiththiseffortIlookedaroundforotherworldstoconquer，anditstruckmethatitwouldmakegood，interestingmattertochargetheeditorofaneighboringcountrypaperwithapieceofgratuitousrascalityand“seehimsquirm。”

Ididit，puttingthearticleintotheformofaparodyonthe“BurialofSirJohnMoore“——andaprettycrudeparodyitwas，too。

ThenIlampoonedtwoprominentcitizensoutrageously——notbecausetheyhaddoneanythingtodeserve，butmerelybecauseIthoughtitwasmydutytomakethepaperlively。

NextIgentlytoucheduptheneweststranger——thelionoftheday，thegorgeousjourneymantailorfromQuincy。Hewasasimperingcoxcombofthefirstwater，andthe“loudest“dressedmaninthestate。Hewasaninveteratewoman-killer。Everyweekhewrotelushy“poetry“forthejournal，abouthisnewestconquest。Hisrhymesformyweekwereheaded，“ToMARYINH——l，“meaningtoMaryinHannibal，ofcourse。ButwhilesettingupthepieceIwassuddenlyrivenfromheadtoheelbywhatI

regardedasaperfectthunderboltofhumor，andIcompresseditintoasnappyfootnoteatthebottom——thus：“Wewillletthisthingpass，justthisonce;butwewishMr。J。GordonRunnelstounderstanddistinctlythatwehaveacharactertosustain，andfromthistimeforthwhenhewantstocommunewithhisfriendsinh——l，hemustselectsomeothermediumthanthecolumnsofthisjournal！”

Thepapercameout，andIneverknewanylittlethingattractsomuchattentionasthoseplayfultriflesofmine。

ForoncetheHannibalJournalwasindemand——anoveltyithadnotexperiencedbefore。Thewholetownwasstirred。Higginsdroppedinwithadouble-barreledshotgunearlyintheforenoon。Whenhefoundthatitwasaninfant(ashecalledme)thathaddonehimthedamage，hesimplypulledmyearsandwentaway;buthethrewuphissituationthatnightandlefttownforgood。Thetailorcamewithhisgooseandapairofshears;buthedespisedme，too，anddepartedfortheSouththatnight。

Thetwolampoonedcitizenscamewiththreatsoflibel，andwentawayincensedatmyinsignificance。Thecountryeditorprancedinwithawar-

whoopnextday，sufferingforbloodtodrink;butheendedbyforgivingmecordiallyandinvitingmedowntothedrugstoretowashawayallanimosityinafriendlybumperof“Fahnestock’sVermifuge。”，Itwashislittlejoke。Myunclewasveryangrywhenhegotback——unreasonablyso，Ithought，consideringwhatanimpetusIhadgiventhepaper，andconsideringalsothatgratitudeforhispreservationoughttohavebeenuppermostinhismind，inasmuchasbyhisdelayhehadsowonderfullyescapeddissection，tomahawking，libel，andgettinghisheadshotoff。

ButhesoftenedwhenhelookedattheaccountsandsawthatIhadactuallybookedtheunparallelednumberofthirty-threenewsubscribers，andhadthevegetablestoshowforit，cordwood，cabbage，beans，andunsalableturnipsenoughtorunthefamilyfortwodears！

HOWTHEAUTHORWASSOLDINNEWARK——[Writtenabout1869。]

Itisseldompleasanttotellononeself，butsometimesitisasortofrelieftoamantomakeaconfession。Iwishtounburdenmymindnow，andyetIalmostbelievethatIammovedtodoitmorebecauseIlongtobringcensureuponanothermanthanbecauseIdesiretopourbalmuponmywoundedheart。(Idon’tknowwhatbalmis，butIbelieveitisthecorrectexpressiontouseinthisconnection——neverhavingseenanybalm。)YoumayrememberthatIlecturedinNewarklatelyfortheyounggentlemenofthe——Society？，Ididatanyrate。DuringtheafternoonofthatdayIwastalkingwithoneoftheyounggentlemenjustreferredto，andhesaidhehadanunclewho，fromsomecauseorother，seemedtohavegrownpermanentlybereftofallemotion。Andwithtearsinhiseyes，thisyoungmansaid，“Oh，ifIcouldonlyseehimlaughoncemore！

Oh，ifIcouldonlyseehimweep！”Iwastouched。Icouldneverwithstanddistress。

Isaid：“Bringhimtomylecture。I’llstarthimforyou。”

“Oh，ifyoucouldbutdoit！，Ifyoucouldbutdoit，allourfamilywouldblessyouforevermore——forheissoverydeartous。Oh，mybenefactor，canyoumakehimlaugh？canyoubringsoothingtearstothoseparchedorbs？”

Iwasprofoundlymoved。Isaid：“Myson，bringtheoldpartyround。

Ihavegotsomejokesinthatlecturethatwillmakehimlaughifthereisanylaughinhim;andiftheymissfire，Ihavegotsomeothersthatwillmakehimcryorkillhim，oneortheother。”，Thentheyoungmanblessedme，andweptonmyneck，andwentafterhisuncle。Heplacedhiminfullview，inthesecondrowofbenches，thatnight，andIbeganonhim。Itriedhimwithmildjokes，thenwithsevereones;Idosedhimwithbadjokesandriddledhimwithgoodones;Ifiredoldstalejokesintohim，andpepperedhimforeandaftwithred-hotnewones;Iwarmeduptomywork，andassaultedhimontherightandleft，infrontandbehind;IfumedandsweatedandchargedandrantedtillIwashoarseandsickandfranticandfurious;butInevermovedhimonce——Ineverstartedasmileoratear！，Neveraghostofasmile，andneverasuspicionofmoisture！，Iwasastounded。Iclosedthelectureatlastwithonedespairingshriek——withonewildburstofhumor，andhurledajokeofsupernaturalatrocityfullathim！

ThenIsatdownbewilderedandexhausted。

Thepresidentofthesocietycameupandbathedmyheadwithcoldwater，andsaid：“Whatmadeyoucarryonsotowardthelast？”

Isaid：“Iwastryingtomakethatconfoundedoldfoollaugh，inthesecondrow。”

Andhesaid：“Well，youwerewastingyourtime，becauseheisdeafanddumb，andasblindasabadger！”

Now，wasthatanywayforthatoldman’snephewtoimposeonastrangerandorphanlikeme？，Iaskyouasamanandbrother，ifthatwasanywayforhimtodo？

THEOFFICEBORE——[Writtenabout1869]

Hearrivesjustasregularlyastheclockstrikesnineinthemorning。

Andsoheevenbeatstheeditorsometimes，andtheportermustleavehisworkandclimbtwoorthreepairsofstairstounlockthe“Sanctum“doorandlethimin。Helightsoneoftheofficepipes——notreflecting，perhaps，thattheeditormaybeoneofthose“stuck-up“peoplewhowouldassoonhaveastrangerdefilehistooth-brushashispipe-stem。Thenhebeginstololl——forapersonwhocanconsenttoloafhisuselesslifeawayinignominiousindolencehasnottheenergytositupstraight。

Hestretchesfulllengthonthesofaawhile;thendrawsuptohalflength;thengetsintoachair，hangshisheadbackandhisarmsabroad，andstretcheshislegstilltherimsofhisboot-heelsrestuponthefloor;byandbysitsupandleansforward，withonelegorbothoverthearmofthechair。Butitisstillobservablethatwithallhischangesofposition，heneverassumestheuprightorafraudfulaffectationofdignity。Fromtimetotimeheyawns，andstretches，andscratcheshimselfwithatranquil，mangyenjoyment，andnowandthenhegruntsakindofstuffy，overfedgrunt，whichisfullofanimalcontentment。Atrareandlongintervals，however，hesighsasighthatistheeloquentexpressionofasecretconfession，towit“Iamuselessandanuisance，acumbereroftheearth。”，Theboreandhiscomrades——forthereareusuallyfromtwotofouronhand，dayandnight——mixintotheconversationwhenmencomeintoseetheeditorsforamomentonbusiness;theyholdnoisytalksamongthemselvesaboutpoliticsinparticular，andallothersubjectsingeneral——evenwarmingup，afterafashion，sometimes，andseemingtotakealmostarealinterestinwhattheyarediscussing。Theyruthlesslycallaneditorfromhisworkwithsucharemarkas：“Didyouseethis，Smith，intheGazette？”andproceedtoreadtheparagraphwhilethesuffererreinsinhisimpatientpenandlistens;theyoftenlollandsprawlroundtheofficehourafterhour，swappinganecdotesandrelatingpersonalexperiencestoeachother——

hairbreadthescapes，socialencounterswithdistinguishedmen，electionreminiscences，sketchesofoddcharacters，etc。Andthroughallthosehourstheyneverseemtocomprehendthattheyarerobbingtheeditorsoftheirtime，andthepublicofjournalisticexcellenceinnextday’spaper。Atothertimestheydrowse，ordreamilyporeoverexchanges，ordrooplimpandpensiveoverthechair-armsforanhour。Eventhissolemnsilenceissmallrespitetotheeditor，forthenextuncomfortablethingtohavingpeoplelookoverhisshoulders，perhaps，istohavethemsitbyinsilenceandlistentothescratchingofhispen。Ifabodydesirestotalkprivatebusinesswithoneoftheeditors，hemustcallhimoutside，fornohintmilderthanblasting-powderornitroglycerinwouldbelikelytomovetheboresoutoflistening-distance。Tohavetositandendurethepresenceofaboredayafterday;tofeelyourcheerfulspiritsbegintosinkashisfootstepsoundsonthestair，andutterlyvanishawayashistiresomeformentersthedoor;tosufferthroughhisanecdotesanddieslowlytohisreminiscences;tofeelalwaysthefettersofhiscloggingpresence;tolonghopelesslyforonesingleday’sprivacy;tonotewithashudder，byandby，thattocontemplatehisfuneralinfancyhasceasedtosoothe，toimaginehimundergoinginstrictandfearfuldetailthetorturesoftheancientInquisitionhaslostitspowertosatisfytheheart，andthateventowishhimmillionsandmillionsandmillionsofmilesinTophetisabletobringonlyafitfulgleamofjoy;

tohavetoendureallthis，dayafterday，andweekafterweek，andmonthaftermonth，isanafflictionthattranscendsanyotherthatmensuffer。

Physicalpainispastimetoit，andhangingapleasureexcursion。

JOHNNYGREER

“ThechurchwasdenselycrowdedthatlovelysummerSabbath，“saidtheSunday-schoolsuperintendent，“andall，astheireyesresteduponthesmallcoffin，seemedimpressedbythepoorblackboy’sfate。Abovethestillnessthepastor’svoicerose，andchainedtheinterestofeveryearashetold，withmanyanenviedcompliment，howthatthebrave，noble，daringlittleJohnnyGreer，whenhesawthedrownedbodysweepingdowntowardthedeeppartoftheriverwhencetheagonizedparentsnevercouldhaverecovereditinthisworld，gallantlysprangintothestream，and，attheriskofhislife，towedthecorpsetoshore，andhelditfasttillhelpcameandsecuredit。JohnnyGreerwassittingjustinfrontofme。

Araggedstreet-boy，witheagereye，turneduponhiminstantly，andsaidinahoarsewhisper，“’No;butdidyou，though？’

“’Yes。’

“’Towedthecarkissashoreandsavedityo’self？’

“’Yes。’

“’Cracky！，Whatdidtheygiveyou？’

“’Nothing。’

“’W-h-a-t[withintensedisgust]！，D’youknowwhatI’d’a’done？，I’d’a’

anchoredhimoutinthestream，andsaid，Fivedollars，gents，oryoucarn’thaveyo’nigger。’“

THEFACTSINTHECASEOFTHEGREATBEEFCONTRACT——[Writtenabout1867。]

InasfewwordsaspossibleIwishtolaybeforethenationwhat’shere，howsoeversmall，Ihavehadinthismatter——thismatterwhichhassoexercisedthepublicmind，engenderedsomuchill-feeling，andsofilledthenewspapersofbothcontinentswithdistortedstatementsandextravagantcomments。

Theoriginofthisdistressfulthingwasthis——andIassertherethateveryfactinthefollowingresumecanbeamplyprovedbytheofficialrecordsoftheGeneralGovernment。

JohnWilsonMackenzie，ofRotterdam，ChemungCounty，NewJersey，deceased，contractedwiththeGeneralGovernment，onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober，1861，tofurnishtoGeneralShermanthesumtotalofthirtybarrelsofbeef。

Verywell。

HestartedafterShermanwiththebeef，butwhenhegottoWashingtonShermanhadgonetoManassas;sohetookthebeefandfollowedhimthere，butarrivedtoolate;hefollowedhimtoNashville，andfromNashvilletoChattanooga，andfromChattanoogatoAtlanta——buthenevercouldovertakehim。AtAtlantahetookafreshstartandfollowedhimclearthroughhismarchtothesea。Hearrivedtoolateagainbyafewdays;buthearingthatShermanwasgoingoutintheQuakerCityexcursiontotheHolyLand，hetookshippingforBeirut，calculatingtoheadofftheothervessel。

WhenhearrivedinJerusalemwithhisbeef，helearnedthatShermanhadnotsailedintheQuakerCity，buthadgonetothePlainstofighttheIndians。HereturnedtoAmericaandstartedfortheRockyMountains。

Aftersixty-eightdaysofarduoustravelonthePlains，andwhenhehadgotwithinfourmilesofSherman’sheadquarters，hewastomahawkedandscalped，andtheIndiansgotthebeef。Theygotallofitbutonebarrel。Sherman’sarmycapturedthat，andso，evenindeath，theboldnavigatorpartlyfulfilledhiscontract。Inhiswill，whichhehadkeptlikeajournal，hebequeathedthecontracttohissonBartholomewW。

BartholomewW。madeoutthefollowingbill，andthendied：

THEUNITEDSTATES

InaccountwithJOHNWILSONMACKENZIE，ofNewJersey，deceased，……，Dr。

TothirtybarrelsofbeefforGeneralSherman，at$100，$3，000

Totravelingexpensesandtransportation……14，000

Total……$17，000

Rec’dPay’t。

Hediedthen;butheleftthecontracttoWm。J。Martin，whotriedtocollectit，butdiedbeforehegotthrough。HeleftittoBarkerJ。

Allen，andhetriedtocollectitalso。Hedidnotsurvive。BarkerJ。

AllenleftittoAnsonG。Rogers，whoattemptedtocollectit，andgotalongasfarastheNinthAuditor’sOffice，whenDeath，thegreatLeveler，cameallunsummoned，andforeclosedonhimalso。HeleftthebilltoarelativeofhisinConnecticut，VengeanceHopkinsbyname，wholastedfourweeksandtwodays，andmadethebesttimeonrecord，comingwithinoneofreachingtheTwelfthAuditor。Inhiswillhegavethecontractbilltohisuncle，bythenameofO-be-joyfulJohnson。Itwastoounderminingforjoyful。Hislastwordswere：“Weepnotforme——Iamwillingtogo。”，Andsohewas，poorsoul。Sevenpeopleinheritedthecontractafterthat;buttheyalldied。Soitcameintomyhandsatlast。Itfelltomethrougharelativebythenameof，Hubbard——

BethlehemHubbard，ofIndiana。Hehadhadagrudgeagainstmeforalongtime;butinhislastmomentshesentforme，andforgavemeeverything，and，weeping，gavemethebeefcontract。

ThisendsthehistoryofituptothetimethatIsucceededtotheproperty。Iwillnowendeavortosetmyselfstraightbeforethenationineverythingthatconcernsmyshareinthematter。Itookthisbeefcontract，andthebillformileageandtransportation，tothePresidentoftheUnitedStates。

Hesaid，“Well，sir，whatcanIdoforyou？”

Isaid，“Sire，onoraboutthel0thdayofOctober，1861，JohnWilsonMackenzie，ofRotterdam，ChemungCounty，NewJersey，deceased，contractedwiththeGeneralGovernmenttofurnishtoGeneralShermanthesumtotalofthirtybarrelsofbeef——“

Hestoppedmethere，anddismissedmefromhipresence——kindly，butfirmly。ThenextdaycalledontheSecretaryofState。

Hesaid，“Well，sir？”

Isaid，“YourRoyalHighness：onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober，1861，JohnWilsonMackenzieofRotterdam，ChemungCounty，NewJersey，deceased，contractedwiththeGeneralGovernmenttofurnishtoGeneralShermanthesumtotalofthirtybarrelsofbeef——“

“Thatwilldo，sir——thatwilldo;thisofficehasnothingtodowithcontractsforbeef。”

Iwasbowedout。Ithoughtthematteralloverandfinally，thefollowingday，IvisitedtheSecretaryoftheNavy，whosaid，“Speakquickly，sir;donotkeepmewaiting。”

Isaid，“YourRoyalHighness，onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober，1861，JohnWilsonMackenzieofRotterdam，ChemungCounty，NewJersey，deceased，contractedwiththeGeneralGovernmenttoGeneralShermanthesumtotalofthirtybarrelsofbeef——“

Well，itwasasfarasIcouldget。HehadnothingtodowithbeefcontractsforGeneralShermaneither。Ibegantothinkitwasacuriouskindofgovernment。Itlookedsomewhatasiftheywantedtogetoutofpayingforthatbeef。ThefollowingdayIwenttotheSecretaryoftheInterior。

Isaid，“YourImperialHighness，onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober——“

“Thatissufficient，sir。Ihaveheardofyoubefore。Go，takeyourinfamousbeefcontractoutofthisestablishment。TheInteriorDepartmenthasnothingwhatevertodowithsubsistenceforthearmy。”

Iwentaway。ButIwasexasperatednow。IsaidIwouldhauntthem;

Iwouldinfesteverydepartmentofthisiniquitousgovernmenttillthatcontractbusinesswassettled。Iwouldcollectthatbill，orfall，asfellmypredecessors，trying。IassailedthePostmaster-General;

IbesiegedtheAgriculturalDepartment;IwaylaidtheSpeakeroftheHouseofRepresentatives。Theyhadnothingtodowitharmycontractsforbeef。ImovedupontheCommissionerofthePatentOffice。

Isaid，“YourAugustExcellency，onorabout——“

“Perdition！haveyougotherewithyourincendiarybeefcontract，atlast？，Wehavenothingtodowithbeefcontractsforthearmy，mydearsir。”

“Oh，thatisallverywell——butsomebodyhasgottopayforthatbeef。

Ithasgottobepaidnow，too，orI’llconfiscatethisoldPatentOfficeandeverythinginit。”

“But，mydearsir——“

“Itdon’tmakeanydifference，sir。ThePatentOfficeisliableforthatbeef，Ireckon;and，liableornotliable，thePatentOfficehasgottopayforit。”

Nevermindthedetails。Itendedinafight。ThePatentOfficewon。

ButIfoundoutsomethingtomyadvantage。IwastoldthattheTreasuryDepartmentwastheproperplaceformetogoto。Iwentthere。Iwaitedtwohoursandahalf，andthenIwasadmittedtotheFirstLordoftheTreasury。

Isaid，“Mostnoble，grave，andreverendSignor，onoraboutthe10thdayofOctober，1861，JohnWilsonMacken——“

“Thatissufficient，sir。Ihaveheardofyou。GototheFirstAuditoroftheTreasury。”

Ididso。HesentmetotheSecondAuditor。TheSecondAuditorsentmetotheThird，andtheThirdsentmetotheFirstComptrolleroftheCorn-

BeefDivision。Thisbegantolooklikebusiness。Heexaminedhisbooksandallhisloosepapers，butfoundnominuteofthebeefcontract。I

wenttotheSecondComptrolleroftheCorn-BeefDivision。Heexaminedhisbooksandhisloosepapers，butwithnosuccess。Iwasencouraged。

DuringthatweekIgotasfarastheSixthComptrollerinthatdivision;

thenextweekIgotthroughtheClaimsDepartment;thethirdweekIbeganandcompletedtheMislaidContractsDepartment，andgotafootholdintheDeadReckoningDepartment。Ifinishedthatinthreedays。Therewasonlyoneplaceleftforitnow。IlaidsiegetotheCommissionerofOddsandEnds。Tohisclerk，rather——hewasnottherehimself。Thereweresixteenbeautifulyoungladiesintheroom，writinginbooks，andthereweresevenwell-favoredyoungclerksshowingthemhow。Theyoungwomensmiledupovertheirshoulders，andtheclerkssmiledbackatthem，andallwentmerryasamarriagebell。Twoorthreeclerksthatwerereadingthenewspaperslookedatmeratherhard，butwentonreading，andnobodysaidanything。However，IhadbeenusedtothiskindofalacrityfromFourthAssistantJuniorClerksallthroughmyeventfulcareer，fromtheverydayIenteredthefirstofficeoftheCorn-BeefBureaucleartillI

passedoutofthelastoneintheDeadReckoningDivision。IhadgotsoaccomplishedbythistimethatIcouldstandononefootfromthemomentIenteredanofficetillaclerkspoketome，withoutchangingmorethantwo，ormaybethree，times。

SoIstoodtheretillIhadchangedfourdifferenttimes。ThenIsaidtooneoftheclerkswhowasreading：

“IllustriousVagrant，whereistheGrandTurk？”

“Whatdoyoumean，sir？whomdoyoumean？，IfyoumeantheChiefoftheBureau，heisout。”

“Willhevisittheharemto-day？”

Theyoungmanglareduponmeawhile，andthenwentonreadinghispaper。

ButIknewthewaysofthoseclerks。IknewIwassafeifhegotthroughbeforeanotherNewYorkmailarrived。Heonlyhadtwomorepapersleft。

Afterawhilehefinishedthem，andthenheyawnedandaskedmewhatI

wanted。

“RenownedandhonoredImbecile：onorabout——“

“Youarethebeef-contractman。Givemeyourpapers。”

Hetookthem，andforalongtimeheransackedhisoddsandends。

FinallyhefoundtheNorthwestPassage，asIregardedit——hefoundthelonglostrecordofthatbeefcontract——hefoundtherockuponwhichsomanyofmyancestorshadsplitbeforetheyevergottoit。Iwasdeeplymoved。AndyetIrejoiced——forIhadsurvived。Isaidwithemotion，“Giveitme。Thegovernmentwillsettlenow。”，Hewavedmeback，andsaidtherewassomethingyettobedonefirst。

“WhereisthisJohnWilsonMackenzie？”saidhe。

“Dead。”

“Whendidhedie？”

“Hedidn’tdieatall——hewaskilled。”

“How？”

“Tomahawked。”

“Whotomahawkedhim？”

“Why，anIndian，ofcourse。Youdidn’tsupposeitwasthesuperintendentofaSunday-school，didyou？”

“No。AnIndian，wasit？”

“Thesame。”

“NameoftheIndian？”

“Hisname？，Idon’tknowhisname。”

“Musthavehisname。Whosawthetomahawkingdone？”

“Idon’tknow。”

“Youwerenotpresentyourself，then？”

“Whichyoucanseebymyhair。Iwasabsent。

“ThenhowdoyouknowthatMackenzieisdead？”

“Becausehecertainlydiedatthattime，andhaveeveryreasontobelievethathehasbeendeadeversince。Iknowhehas，infact。”

“Wemusthaveproofs。HaveyougotthisIndian？”

“Ofcoursenot。”

“Well，youmustgethim。Haveyougotthetomahawk？”

“Ineverthoughtofsuchathing。”

“Youmustgetthetomahawk。YoumustproducetheIndianandthetomahawk。IfMackenzie’sdeathcanbeprovenbythese，youcanthengobeforethecommissionappointedtoauditclaimswithsomeshowofgettingyourbillundersuchheadwaythatyourchildrenmaypossiblylivetoreceivethemoneyandenjoyit。Butthatman’sdeathmustbeproven。

However，ImayaswelltellyouthatthegovernmentwillneverpaythattransportationandthosetravelingexpensesofthelamentedMackenzie。

ItmaypossiblypayforthebarrelofbeefthatSherman’ssoldierscaptured，ifyoucangetareliefbillthroughCongressmakinganappropriationforthatpurpose;butitwillnotpayforthetwenty-ninebarrelstheIndiansate。”

“Thenthereisonlyahundreddollarsdueme，andthatisn’tcertain！

AfterallMackenzie’stravelsinEurope，Asia，andAmericawiththatbeef;afterallhistrialsandtribulationsandtransportation;aftertheslaughterofallthoseinnocentsthattriedtocollectthatbill！，Youngman，whydidn’ttheFirstComptrolleroftheCorn-BeefDivisiontellmethis？”

“Hedidn’tknowanythingaboutthegenuinenessofyourclaim。”

“Whydidn’ttheSecondtellme？whydidn’tthe，Third？whydidn’tallthosedivisionsanddepartmentstellme？”

“Noneofthemknew。Wedothingsbyroutinehere。Youhavefollowedtheroutineandfoundoutwhatyouwantedtoknow。Itisthebestway。

Itistheonlyway。Itisveryregular，andveryslow，butitisverycertain。”

“Yes，certaindeath。Ithasbeen，tothemostofourtribe。IbegintofeelthatI，too，amcalled。

Youngman，youlovethebrightcreatureyonderwiththegentleblueeyesandthesteelpensbehindherears——Iseeitinyoursoftglances;youwishtomarryher——butyouarepoor。Here，holdoutyourhand——hereisthebeefcontract;go，takeherandbehappyHeavenblessyou，mychildren！”

ThisisallIknowaboutthegreatbeefcontractthathascreatedsomuchtalkinthecommunity。TheclerktowhomIbequeatheditdied。Iknownothingfurtheraboutthecontract，oranyoneconnectedwithit。IonlyknowthatifamanliveslongenoughhecantraceathingthroughtheCircumlocutionOfficeofWashingtonandfindout，aftermuchlaborandtroubleanddelay，thatwhichhecouldhavefoundoutonthefirstdayifthebusinessoftheCircumlocutionOfficewereasingeniouslysystematizedasitwouldbeifitwereagreatprivatemercantileinstitution。

THECASEOFGEORGEFISHER——

[Someyearsago，about1867，whenthiswasfirstpublished，fewpeoplebelievedit，butconsidereditamereextravaganza。Intheselatterdaysitseemshardtorealizethattherewaseveratimewhentherobbingofourgovernmentwasanovelty。TheverymanwhoshowedmewheretofindthedocumentsforthiscasewasatthatverytimespendinghundredsofthousandsofdollarsinWashingtonforamailsteamshipconcern，intheefforttoprocureasubsidyforthecompany-afactwhichwasalongtimeincomingtothesurface，butleakedoutatlastandunderwentCongressionalinvestigation。]

Thisishistory。Itisnotawildextravaganza，like“JohnWilsonMackenzie’sGreatBeefContract，“butisaplainstatementoffactsandcircumstanceswithwhichtheCongressoftheUnitedStateshasinteresteditselffromtimetotimeduringthelongperiodofhalfacentury。

IwillnotcallthismatterofGeorgeFisher’sagreatdeathlessandunrelentingswindleuponthegovernmentandpeopleoftheUnitedStates-

forithasneverbeensodecided，andIholdthatitisagraveandsolemnwrongforawritertocastslursorcallnameswhensuchisthecase——butwillsimplypresenttheevidenceandletthereaderdeducehisownverdict。Thenweshalldonobodyinjustice，andourconsciencesshallbeclear。

Onoraboutthe1stdayofSeptember，1813，theCreekwarbeingtheninprogressinFlorida，thecrops，herds，andhousesofMr。GeorgeFisher，acitizen，weredestroyed，eitherbytheIndiansorbytheUnitedStatestroopsinpursuitofthem。Bythetermsofthelaw，iftheIndiansdestroyedtheproperty，therewasnoreliefforFisher;butifthetroopsdestroyedit，theGovernmentoftheUnitedStateswasdebtortoFisherfortheamountinvolved。

GeorgeFishermusthaveconsideredthattheIndiansdestroyedtheproperty，because，althoughhelivedseveralyearsafterward，hedoesnotappeartohaveevermadeanyclaimuponthegovernment。

InthecourseoftimeFisherdied，andhiswidowmarriedagain。

Andbyandby，nearlytwentyyearsafterthatdimlyrememberedraiduponFisher’scorn-fields，thewidowFisher’snewhusbandpetitionedCongressforpayfortheproperty，andbackedupthepetitionwithmanydepositionsandaffidavitswhichpurportedtoprovethatthetroops，andnottheIndians，destroyedtheproperty;thatthetroops，forsomeinscrutablereason，deliberatelyburneddown“houses“(orcabins)valuedat$600，thesamebelongingtoapeaceableprivatecitizen，andalsodestroyedvariousotherpropertybelongingtothesamecitizen。ButCongressdeclinedtobelievethatthetroopsweresuchidiots(afterovertakingandscatteringabandofIndiansprovedtohavebeenfounddestroyingFisher’sproperty)astocalmlycontinuetheworkofdestructionthemselves;andmakeacompletejobofwhattheIndianshadonlycommenced。SoCongressdeniedthepetitionoftheheirsofGeorgeFisherin1832，anddidnotpaythemacent。

Wehearnomorefromthemofficiallyuntil1848，sixteenyearsaftertheirfirstattemptontheTreasury，andafullgenerationafterthedeathofthemanwhosefieldsweredestroyed。ThenewgenerationofFisherheirsthencameforwardandputinabillfordamages。TheSecondAuditorawardedthem$8，873，beinghalfthedamagesustainedbyFisher。

TheAuditorsaidthetestimonyshowedthatatleasthalfthedestructionwasdonebytheIndians“beforethetroopsstartedinpursuit，“andofcoursethegovernmentwasnotresponsibleforthathalf。

2。ThatwasinApril，1848。InDecember，1848，theheirsofGeorgeFisher，deceased，cameforwardandpleadedfora“revision“oftheirbillofdamages。Therevisionwasmade，butnothingnewcouldbefoundintheirfavorexceptanerrorof$100intheformercalculation。However，inordertokeepupthespiritsoftheFisherfamily，theAuditorconcludedtogobackandallowinterestfromthedateofthefirstpetition(1832)tothedatewhenthebillofdamageswasawarded。ThissenttheFishershomehappywithsixteenyears’intereston$8，873——thesameamountingto$8，997。94。Total，$17，870。94。

3。ForanentireyearthesufferingFisherfamilyremainedquiet——evensatisfied，afterafashion。Thentheyswoopeddownuponthegovernmentwiththeirwrongsoncemore。Thatoldpatriot，Attorney-GeneralToucey，burrowedthroughthemustypapersoftheFishersanddiscoveredonemorechanceforthedesolateorphans——interestonthatoriginalawardof$8，873fromdateofdestructionoftheproperty(1813)upto1832！

Result，$110，004。89fortheindigentFishers。Sonowwehave：First，$8，873damages;second，interestonitfrom1832to1848，$8997。94;

third，interestonitdatedbackto1813，$10，004。89。Total，$27，875。83！

Whatbetterinvestmentforagreat-grandchildthantogettheIndianstoburnacorn-fieldforhimsixtyorseventyyearsbeforehisbirth，andplausiblylayitonlunaticUnitedStatestroops？

4。Strangeasitmayseem，theFishersletCongressaloneforfiveyears——or，whatisperhapsmorelikely，failedtomakethemselvesheardbyCongressforthatlengthoftime。Butatlast，in1854，theygotahearing。TheypersuadedCongresstopassanactrequiringtheAuditortore-examinetheircase。ButthistimetheystumbleduponthemisfortuneofanhonestSecretaryoftheTreasury(Mr。JamesGuthrie)，andhespoiledeverything。HesaidinveryplainlanguagethattheFisherswerenotonlynotentitledtoanothercent，butthatthosechildrenofmanysorrowsandacquaintedwithgriefhadbeenpaidtoomuchalready。

5。Thereforeanotherintervalofrestandsilentensued-anintervalwhichlastedfouryears——viztill1858。The“rightmanintherightplace“wasthenSecretaryofWar——JohnB。Floyd，ofpeculiarrenown！

Herewasamasterintellect;herewastheverymantosuccorthesufferingheirsofdeadandforgottenFisher。TheycameupfromFloridawitharush——agreattidalwaveofFishersfreightedwiththesameoldmustydocumentsaboutthesameinimmortalcorn-fieldsoftheirancestor。

Theystraight-waygotanactpassedtransferringtheFishermatterfromthedullAuditortotheingeniousFloyd。WhatdidFloyddo？，Hesaid，“ITWASPROVEDthattheIndiansdestroyedeverythingtheycouldbeforethetroopsenteredinpursuit。”，Heconsidered，therefore，thatwhattheydestroyedmusthaveconsistedof“thehouseswithalltheircontents，andtheliquor“(themosttriflingpartofthedestruction，andsetdownatonly$3，200alltold)，andthatthegovernmenttroopsthendrovethemoffandcalmlyproceededtodestroy——

Twohundredandtwentyacresofcorninthefield，thirty-fiveacresofwheat，andninehundredandeighty-sixheadoflivestock！，[Whatasingularlyintelligentarmywehadinthosedays，accordingtoMr。Floyd——thoughnotaccordingtotheCongressof1832。]

SoMr。FloyddecidedthattheGovernmentwasnotresponsibleforthat$3，200worthofrubbishwhichtheIndiansdestroyed，butwasresponsibleforthepropertydestroyedbythetroops——whichpropertyconsistedof(I

quotefromtheprintedUnitedStatesSenatedocument)：

DollarsCornatBassett’sCreek，……3，000

Cattle，……5，000

Stockhogs，……1，050

Drovehogs，……1，204

Wheat，……350

Hides，……4，000

CornontheAlabamaRiver，……3，500

Total，……18，104

Thatsum，inhisreport，Mr。Floydcallsthe“fullvalueofthepropertydestroyedbythetroops。”

HeallowsthatsumtothestarvingFishers，TOGETHERWITHINTERESTFROM

1813。FromthisnewsumtotaltheamountsalreadypaidtotheFisherswerededucted，andthenthecheerfulremainder(afractionunderfortythousanddollars)washandedtothenandagaintheyretiredtoFloridainaconditionoftemporarytranquillity。Theirancestor’sfarmhadnowyieldedthemaltogethernearlysixty-seventhousanddollarsincash。

6。Doesthereadersupposethatthatwastheendofit？，DoeshesupposethosediffidentFisherswe：satisfied？，Lettheevidenceshow。TheFisherswerequietjusttwoyears。ThentheycameswarmingupoutofthefertileswampsofFloridawiththeirsameolddocuments，andbesiegedCongressoncemore。Congresscapitulatedonthe1stofJune，1860，andinstructedMr。Floydtooverhaulthosepapersagain，andpaythatbill。

ATreasuryclerkwasorderedtogothroughthosepapersandreporttoMr。

FloydwhatamountwasstillduethemaciatedFishers。Thisclerk(Icanproducehimwheneverheiswanted)discoveredwhatwasapparentlyaglaringandrecentforgeryinthepaper;wherebyawitness’stestimonyastothepriceofcorninFloridain1813wasmadetonamedoubletheamountwhichthatwitnesshadoriginallyspecifiedastheprice！，Theclerknotonlycalledhissuperior’sattentiontothisthing，butinmakinguphisbriefofthecasecalledparticularattentiontoitinwriting。ThatpartofthebriefnevergotbeforeCongress，norhasCongresseveryethadahintofforgeryexistingamongtheFisherpapers。

Nevertheless，onthebasisofthedoubleprices(andtotallyignoringtheclerk’sassertionthatthefiguresweremanifestlyandunquestionablyarecentforgery)，Mr。Floydremarksinhisnewreportthat“thetestimony，particularlyinregardtothecorncrops，DEMANDSAMUCHHIGHERALLOWANCE

thananyheretoforemadebytheAuditorormyself。”，Soheestimatesthecropatsixtybushelstotheacre(doublewhatFloridaacresproduce)，andthenvirtuouslyallowspayforonlyhalfthecrop，butallowstwodollarsandahalfabushelforthathalf，whentherearerustyoldbooksanddocumentsintheCongressionallibrarytoshowjustwhattheFishertestimonyshowedbeforetheforgery——viz。thatinthefallof1813cornwasonlyworthfrom$1。25to$1。50abushel。Havingaccomplishedthis，whatdoesMr。Floyddonext？，Mr。Floyd(“withanearnestdesiretoexecutetrulythelegislativewill，“ashepiouslyremarks)goestoworkandmakesoutanentirelynewbillofFisherdamages，andinthisnewbillheplacidlyignorestheIndiansaltogetherputsnoparticleofthedestructionoftheFisherpropertyuponthem，but，evenrepentinghimofchargingthemwithburningthecabinsanddrinkingthewhiskyandbreakingthecrockery，laystheentiredamageatthedooroftheimbecileUnitedStatestroopsdowntotheverylastitem！，Andnotonlythat，butusestheforgerytodoublethelossofcornat“Bassett’sCreek，“andusesitagaintoabsolutelytreblethelossofcornonthe“AlabamaRiver。”，ThisnewandablyconceivedandexecutedbillofMr。Floyd’sfiguresupasfollows(IcopyagainfromtheprintedUnitedStatesSenatedocument)：

TheUnitedStatesinaccountwiththelegalrepresentativesofGeorgeFisher，deceased。

DOL。C

1813——To550headofcattle，at10dollars，……5，500。00

To86headofdrovehogs，……1，204。00

To350headofstockhogs，……1，750。00

To100ACRESOFCORNONBASSETT’SCREEK，……6，000。00

To8barrelsofwhisky，……350。00

To2barrelsofbrandy，……280。00

To1barrelofrum，……，70。00

Todry-goodsandmerchandiseinstore，……1，100。00

To35acresofwheat，……350。00

To2，000hides，……4，000。00

Tofursandhatsinstore，……600。00

Tocrockerywareinstore，……100。00

Tosmith’sandcarpenter’stools，……250。00

Tohousesburnedanddestroyed，……600。00

To4dozenbottlesofwine，……，48。00

1814——To120acresofcornonAlabamaRiver，……9，500。00

Tocropsofpeas，fodder，etc……3，250。00

Total，……34，952。00

Tointereston$22，202，fromJuly1813

toNovember1860，47yearsand4months，……63，053。68

Tointereston$12，750，fromSeptember1814toNovemberI86o，46yearsand2months，……35，317。50

Total，……133，323。18

Heputseverythinginthistime。HedoesnotevenallowthattheIndiansdestroyedthecrockeryordrankthefourdozenbottlesof(currant)wine。

Whenitcametosupernaturalcomprehensivenessin“gobbling，“JohnB。

Floydwaswithouthisequal，inhisownoranyothergeneration。

Subtractingfromtheabovetotalthe$67，000alreadypaidtoGeorgeFisher’simplacableheirs，Mr。Floydannouncedthatthegovernmentwasstillindebtedtotheminthesumofsixty-sixthousandfivehundredandnineteendollarsandeighty-fivecents，“which，“Mr。Floydcomplacentlyremarks，“willbepaid，accordingly，totheadministratoroftheestateofGeorgeFisher，deceased，ortohisattorneyinfact。”

But，sadlyenoughforthedestituteorphans，anewPresidentcameinjustatthistime，BuchananandFloydwentout，andtheynevergottheirmoney。ThefirstthingCongressdidin1861wastorescindtheresolutionofJune1，1860，underwhichMr。Floydhadbeenciphering。

ThenFloyd(anddoubtlesstheheirsofGeorgeFisherlikewise)hadtogiveupfinancialbusinessforawhile，andgointotheConfederatearmyandservetheircountry。

WeretheheirsofGeorgeFisherkilled？，No。Theyarebacknowatthisverytime(July，1870)，beseechingCongressthroughthatblushinganddiffidentcreature，GarrettDavis，tocommencemakingpaymentsagainontheirinterminableandinsatiablebillofdamagesforcornandwhiskydestroyedbyagangofirresponsibleIndians，solongagothatevengovernmentred-tapehasfailedtokeepconsistentandintelligenttrackofit。

Nowtheabovearefacts。Theyarehistory。AnyonewhodoubtsitcansendtotheSenateDocumentDepartmentoftheCapitolforH。R。Ex。Doc。

No。21，36thCongress，2dSession;andforS。Ex。Doc。No。106，41stCongress，2dSession，andsatisfyhimself。ThewholecaseissetforthinthefirstvolumeoftheCourtofClaimsReports。

ItismybeliefthataslongasthecontinentofAmericaholdstogether，theheirsofGeorgeFisher，deceased，willstillmakepilgrimagestoWashingtonfromtheswampsofFlorida，topleadforjustalittlemorecashontheirbillofdamages(evenwhentheyreceivedthelastofthatsixty-seventhousanddollars，theysaiditwasonlyonefourthwhatthegovernmentowedthemonthatfruitfulcorn-field)，andaslongastheychoosetocometheywillfindGarrettDavisestodragtheirvampireschemesbeforeCongress。Thisisnottheonlyhereditaryfraud(iffrauditis——whichIhavebeforerepeatedlyremarkedisnotproven)thatisbeingquietlyhandeddownfromgenerationtogenerationoffathersandsons，throughthepersecutedTreasuryoftheUnitedStates。

DISGRACEFULPERSECUTIONOFABOY

InSanFrancisco，theotherday，“Awell-dressedboy，onhiswaytoSunday-school，wasarrestedandthrownintothecityprisonforstoningChinamen。”

Whatacommentaryisthisuponhumanjustice！，Whatsadprominenceitgivestoourhumandispositiontotyrannizeovertheweak！，SanFranciscohaslittlerighttotakecredittoherselfforhertreatmentofthispoorboy。Whathadthechild’seducationbeen？，HowshouldhesupposeitwaswrongtostoneaChinaman？，Beforewesideagainsthim，alongwithoutragedSanFrancisco，letusgivehimachance——letushearthetestimonyforthedefense。

Hewasa“well-dressed“boy，andaSunday-schoolscholar，andthereforethechancesarethathisparentswereintelligent，well-to-dopeople，withjustenoughnaturalvillainyintheircompositiontomakethemyearnafterthedailypapers，andenjoythem;andsothisboyhadopportunitiestolearnallthroughtheweekhowtodoright，aswellasonSunday。

ItwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatthegreatcommonwealthofCaliforniaimposesanunlawfulmining-taxuponJohntheforeigner，andallowsPatricktheforeignertodiggoldfornothing——probablybecausethedegradedMongolisatnoexpenseforwhisky，andtherefinedCeltcannotexistwithoutit。

Itwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatarespectablenumberofthetax-gatherers——itwouldbeunkindtosayallofthem——collectthetaxtwice，insteadofonce;andthat，inasmuchastheydoitsolelytodiscourageChineseimmigrationintothemines，itisathingthatismuchapplauded，andlikewiseregardedasbeingsingularlyfacetious。

Itwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatwhenawhitemanrobsasluice-

box(bythetermwhitemanismeantSpaniards，Mexicans，Portuguese，Irish，Hondurans，Peruvians，Chileans，etc。etc。)，theymakehimleavethecamp;andwhenaChinamandoesthatthing，theyhanghim。

ItwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatinmanydistrictsofthevastPacificcoast，sostrongisthewild，freeloveofjusticeintheheartsofthepeople，thatwheneveranysecretandmysteriouscrimeiscommitted，theysay，“Letjusticebedone，thoughtheheavensfall，“andgostraightwayandswingaChinaman。

Itwasinthiswaythathefoundoutthatbystudyingonehalfofeachday’s“localitems，“itwouldappearthatthepoliceofSanFranciscowereeitherasleepordead，andbystudyingtheotherhalfitwouldseemthatthereportersweregonemadwithadmirationoftheenergy，thevirtue，thehigheffectiveness，andthedare-devilintrepidityofthatverypolice-makingexultantmentionofhow“theArgus-eyedofficerSo-

and-so“capturedawretchedknaveofaChinamanwhowasstealingchickens，andbroughthimgloriouslytothecityprison;andhow“thegallantofficerSuch-and-such-a-one“quietlykeptaneyeonthemovementsofan“unsuspecting，almond-eyedsonofConfucius“(yourreporterisnothingifnotfacetious)，followinghimaroundwiththatfar-offlook。

ofvacancyandunconsciousnessalwayssofinelyaffectedbythatinscrutablebeing，theforty-dollarpoliceman，duringawakinginterval，andcapturedhimatlastintheveryactofplacinghishandsinasuspiciousmanneruponapaperoftacks，leftbytheownerinanexposedsituation;andhowoneofficerperformedthisprodigiousthing，andanotherofficerthat，andanothertheother——andprettymucheveryoneoftheseperformanceshavingforadazzlingcentralincidentaChinamanguiltyofashilling’sworthofcrime，anunfortunate，whosemisdemeanormustbehurrahedintosomethingenormousinordertokeepthepublicfromnoticinghowmanyreallyimportantrascalswentuncapturedinthemeantime，andhowoverratedthoseglorifiedpolicemenactuallyare。

Itwasinthiswaythattheboyfoundoutthatthelegislature，beingawarethattheConstitutionhasmadeAmerica，anasylumforthepoorandtheoppressedofallnations，andthat，therefore，thepoorandoppressedwhoflytooursheltermustnotbechargedadisablingadmissionfee，madealawthateveryChinaman，uponlanding，mustbevaccinateduponthewharf，andpaytothestate’sappointedofficertendollarsfortheservice，whenthereareplentyofdoctorsinSanFranciscowhowouldbegladenoughtodoitforhimforfiftycents。

ItwasinthiswaythattheboyfoundoutthataChinamanhadnorightsthatanymanwasboundtorespect;thathehadnosorrowsthatanymanwasboundtopity;thatneitherhislifenorhislibertywasworththepurchaseofapennywhenawhitemanneededascapegoat;thatnobodylovedChinamen，nobodybefriendedthem，nobodysparedthemsufferingwhenitwasconvenienttoinflictit;everybody，individuals，communities，themajestyofthestateitself，joinedinhating，abusing，andpersecutingthesehumblestrangers。

And，therefore，whatcouldhavebeenmorenaturalthanforthissunny-

hearted-boy，trippingalongtoSunday-school，withhismindteemingwithfreshlylearnedincentivestohighandvirtuousaction，tosaytohimself：

“Ah，theregoesaChinaman！，GodwillnotlovemeifIdonotstonehim。”

Andforthishewasarrestedandputinthecityjail。

EverythingconspiredtoteachhimthatitwasahighandholythingtostoneaChinaman，andyethenosoonerattemptstodohisdutythanheispunishedforit——he，poorchap，whohasbeenawareallhislifethatoneoftheprincipalrecreationsofthepolice，outtowardtheGoldRefinery，istolookonwithtranquilenjoymentwhilethebutchersofBrannanStreetsettheirdogsonunoffendingChinamen，andmakethemfleefortheirlives——

[Ihavemanysuchmemoriesinmymind，butamthinkingjustatpresentofoneparticularone，wheretheBrannanStreetbutcherssettheirdogsonaChinamanwhowasquietlypassingwithabasketofclothesonhishead;andwhilethedogsmutilatedhisflesh，abutcherincreasedthehilarityoftheoccasionbyknockingsomeoftheChinaman’steethdownhisthroatwithhalfabrick。Thisincidentsticksinmymemorywithamoremalevolenttenacity，perhaps，onaccountofthefactthatIwasintheemployofaSanFranciscojournalatthetime，andwasnotallowedtopublishitbecauseitmightoffendsomeofthepeculiarelementthatsubscribedforthepaper。]

Keepinginmindthetuitioninthehumanitieswhichtheentire“Pacificcoast“givesitsyouth，thereisaverysublimityofincongruityinthevirtuousflourishwithwhichthegoodcityfathersofSanFranciscoproclaim(astheyhavelatelydone)that“Thepolicearepositivelyorderedtoarrestallboys，ofeverydescriptionandwhereverfound，whoengageinassaultingChinamen。”

Still，letusbetrulygladtheyhavemadetheorder，notwithstandingitsinconsistency;andletusrestperfectlyconfidentthepoliceareglad，too。Becausethereisnopersonalperilinarrestingboys，providedtheybeofthesmallkind，andthereporterswillhavetolaudtheirperformancesjustasloyallyasever，orgowithoutitems。

ThenewformforlocalitemsinSanFranciscowillnowbe：“Theever-

vigilantandefficientofficerSo-and-sosucceeded，yesterdayafternoon，inarrestingMasterTommyJones，afteradeterminedresistance，“etc。etc。followedbythecustomarystatisticsandfinalhurrah，withitsunconscioussarcasm：“Wearehappyinbeingabletostatethatthisistheforty-seventhboyarrestedbythisgallantofficersincethenewordinancewentintoeffect。Themostextraordinaryactivityprevailsinthepolicedepartment。Nothinglikeithasbeenseensincewecanremember。”

THEJUDGE’S“SPIRITEDWOMAN“

“Iwassittinghere，“saidthejudge，“inthisoldpulpit，holdingcourt，andweweretryingabig，wicked-lookingSpanishdesperadoforkillingthehusbandofabright，prettyMexicanwoman。Itwasalazysummerday，andanawfullylongone，andthewitnessesweretedious。Noneofustookanyinterestinthetrialexceptthatnervous，uneasydevilofaMexicanwomanbecauseyouknowhowtheyloveandhowtheyhate，andthisonehadlovedherhusbandwithallhermight，andnowshehadboileditalldownintohate，andstoodherespittingitatthatSpaniardwithhereyes;

andItellyoushewouldstirmeup，too，withalittleofhersummerlightning，occasionally。Well，Ihadmycoatoffandmyheelsup，lollingandsweating，andsmokingoneofthosecabbagecigarstheSanFranciscopeopleusedtothinkweregoodenoughforusinthosetimes;

andthelawyerstheyallhadtheircoatsoff，andweresmokingandwhittling，andthewitnessesthesame，andsowastheprisoner。Well，thefactis，therewarn’tanyinterestinamurdertrialthen，becausethefellowwasalwaysbroughtin’notguilty，’thejuryexpectinghimtodoasmuchforthemsometime;and，althoughtheevidencewasstraightandsquareagainstthisSpaniard，weknewwecouldnotconvicthimwithoutseemingtoberatherhigh-handedandsortofreflectingoneverygentlemaninthecommunity;fortherewarn’tanycarriagesandliveriesthen，andsotheonly’style’therewas，wastokeepyourprivategraveyard。ButthatwomanseemedtohaveherheartsetonhangingthatSpaniard;andyou’doughttohaveseenhowshewouldglareonhimaminute，andthenlookupatmeinherpleadingway，andthenturnandforthenextfiveminutessearchthejury’sfaces，andbyandbydropherfaceinherhandsforjustalittlewhileasifshewasmostreadytogiveup;butoutshe’dcomeagaindirectly，andbeasliveandanxiousasever。Butwhenthejuryannouncedtheverdict——NotGuilty——andItoldtheprisonerhewasacquittedandfreetogo，thatwomanroseuptillsheappearedtobeastallandgrandasaseventy-four-gunship，andsaysshe：

“’Judge，doIunderstandyoutosaythatthismanisnotguiltythatmurderedmyhusbandwithoutanycausebeforemyowneyesandmylittlechildren’s，andthatallhasbeendonetohimthateverjusticeandthelawcando？’

“’Thesame，’saysI。

“Andthenwhatdoyoureckonshedid？，Why，sheturnedonthatsmirkingSpanishfoollikeawildcat，andoutwitha’navy’andshothimdeadinopencourt！”

“Thatwasspirited，Iamwillingtoadmit。”

“Wasn’tit，though？”saidthejudgeadmiringly。

“Iwouldn’thavemisseditforanything。Iadjournedcourtrightonthespot，andweputonourcoatsandwentoutandtookupacollectionforherandhercubs，andsentthemoverthemountainstotheirfriends。

Ah，shewasaspiritedwench！”

INFORMATIONWANTED

“WASHINGTON，December10，1867。

“Couldyougivemeanyinformationrespectingsuchislands，ifany，asthegovernmentisgoingtopurchase？”

Itisanuncleofminethatwantstoknow。Heisanindustriousmanandwelldisposed，andwantstomakealivinginanhonest，humbleway，butmoreespeciallyhewantstobequiet。Hewishestosettledown，andbequietandunostentatious。HehasbeentothenewislandSt。Thomas，buthesayshethinksthingsareunsettledthere。HewentthereearlywithanattacheoftheStateDepartment，whowassentdownwithmoneytopayfortheisland。Myunclehadhismoneyinthesamebox，andsowhentheywentashore，gettingareceipt，thesailorsbrokeopentheboxandtookallthemoney，notmakinganydistinctionbetweengovernmentmoney，whichwaslegitimatemoneytobestolen，andmyuncle’s，whichwashisownprivateproperty，andshouldhavebeenrespected。Buthecamehomeandgotsomemoreandwentback。Andthenhetookthefever。Therearesevenkindsoffeverdownthere，youknow;and，ashisbloodwasoutoforderbyreasonoflossofsleepandgeneralwearandtearofmind，hefailedtocurethefirstfever，andthensomehowhegottheothersix。

Heisnotakindofmanthatenjoysfevers，thoughheiswellmeaningandalwaysdoeswhathethinksisright，andsohewasagooddealannoyedwhenitappearedhewasgoingtodie。

Butheworriedthrough，andgotwellandstartedafarm。Hefenceditin，andthenextdaythatgreatstormcameonandwashedthemostofitovertoGibraltar，oraroundtheresomewhere。Heonlysaid，inhispatientway，thatitwasgone，andhewouldn’tbotherabouttryingtofindoutwhereitwentto，thoughitwashisopinionitwenttoGibraltar。

Thenheinvestedinamountain，andstartedafarmupthere，soastobeoutofthewaywhentheseacameashoreagain。Itwasagoodmountain，andagoodfarm，butitwasn’tanyuse;anearthquakecamethenextnightandshookitalldown。Itwasallfragments，youknow，andsomixedupwithanotherman’spropertythathecouldnottellwhichwerehisfragmentswithoutgoingtolaw;andhewouldnotdothat，becausehismainobjectingoingtoSt。Thomaswastobequiet。Allthathewantedwastosettledownandbequiet。

Hethoughtitallover，andfinallyheconcludedtotrythelowgroundagain，especiallyashewantedtostartabrickyardthistime。Heboughtaflat，andputoutahundredthousandbrickstodrypreparatorytobakingthem。Butluckappearedtobeagainsthim。Avolcanoshoveditselfthroughtherethatnight，andelevatedhisbrickyardabouttwothousandfeetintheair。Itirritatedhimagooddeal。Hehasbeenupthere，andhesaysthebricksareallbakedrightenough，buthecan’tgetthemdown。Atfirst，hethoughtmaybethegovernmentwouldgetthebricksdownforhim，becausesincegovernmentboughttheisland，itoughttoprotectthepropertywhereamanhasinvestedingoodfaith;butallhewantsisquiet，andsoheisnotgoingtoapplyforthesubsidyhewasthinkingabout。

Hewentbacktherelastweekinacoupleofshipsofwar，toprospectaroundthecoastforasafeplaceforafarmwherehecouldbequiet;

butagreat“tidalwave“came，andhoistedbothoftheshipsoutintooneoftheinteriorcounties，andhecamenearlosinghislife。Sohehasgivenupprospectinginaship，andisdiscouraged。

Well，nowhedon’tknowwhattodo。HehastriedAlaska;butthebearskeptafterhimsomuch，andkepthimsomuchonthejump，asitwere，thathehadtoleavethecountry。Hecouldnotbequiettherewiththosebearsprancingafterhimallthetime。Thatishowhecametogotothenewislandwehavebought——St。Thomas。ButheisgettingtothinkSt。

Thomasisnotquietenoughforamanofhisturnofmind，andthatiswhyhewishesmetofindoutifgovernmentislikelytobuysomemoreislandsshortly。HehasheardthatgovernmentisthinkingaboutbuyingPortoRico。Ifthatistrue，hewishestotryPortoRico，ifitisaquietplace。HowisPortoRicoforhisstyleofman？，Doyouthinkthegovernmentwillbuyit？

SOMELEARNEDFABLES，FORGOODOLDBOYSANDGIRLS

INTHREEPARTS

PARTFIRST

HOWTHEANIMALSOFTHEWOODSENTOUTASCIENTIFICEXPEDITION

Oncethecreaturesoftheforestheldagreatconventionandappointedacommissionconsistingofthemostillustriousscientistsamongthemtogoforth，clearbeyondtheforestandoutintotheunknownandunexploredworld，toverifythetruthofthemattersalreadytaughtintheirschoolsandcollegesandalsotomakediscoveries。Itwasthemostimposingenterpriseofthekindthenationhadeverembarkedin。True，thegovernmenthadoncesentDr。BullFrog，withapickedcrew，tohuntforanorthwesterlypassagethroughtheswamptotheright-handcornerofthewood，andhadsincesentoutmanyexpeditionstohuntforDr。BullFrog;

buttheynevercouldfindhim，andsogovernmentfinallygavehimupandennobledhismothertoshowitsgratitudefortheserviceshersonhadrenderedtoscience。AndoncegovernmentsentSirGrassHoppertohuntforthesourcesoftherillthatemptiedintotheswamp;andafterwardsentoutmanyexpeditionstohuntforSirGrass，andatlasttheyweresuccessful——theyfoundhisbody，butifhehaddiscoveredthesourcesmeantime，hedidnotleton。Sogovernmentactedhandsomelybydeceased，andmanyenviedhisfuneral。

Buttheseexpeditionsweretriflescomparedwiththepresentone;forthisonecomprisedamongitsservantstheverygreatestamongthelearned;andbesidesitwastogototheutterlyunvisitedregionsbelievedtoliebeyondthemightyforest——aswehaveremarkedbefore。

Howthememberswerebanqueted，andglorified，andtalkedabout！

Everywherethatoneofthemshowedhimself，straightwaytherewasacrowdtogapeandstareathim。

Finallytheysetoff，anditwasasighttoseethelongprocessionofdry-landTortoisesheavilyladenwithsavants，scientificinstruments，Glow-WormsandFire-Fliesforsignalservice，provisions，AntsandTumble-Bugstofetchandcarryanddelve，Spiderstocarrythesurveyingchainanddootherengineeringduty，andsoforthandsoon;andaftertheTortoisescameanotherlongtrainofironclads——statelyandspaciousMudTurtlesformarinetransportationservice;andfromeveryTortoiseandeveryTurtleflauntedaflaminggladiolusorothersplendidbanner;

attheheadofthecolumnagreatbandofBumble-Bees，Mosquitoes，Katy-Dids，andCricketsdiscoursedmartialmusic;andtheentiretrainwasundertheescortandprotectionoftwelvepickedregimentsoftheArmyWorm。

AttheendofthreeweekstheexpeditionemergedfromtheforestandlookeduponthegreatUnknownWorld。Theireyesweregreetedwithanimpressivespectacle。Avastlevelplainstretchedbeforethem，wateredbyasinuousstream;andbeyondtheretoweredupagainsttheskyalongandloftybarrierofsomekind，theydidnotknowwhat。TheTumble-Bugsaidhebelieveditwassimplylandtilteduponitsedge，becauseheknewhecouldseetreesonit。ButProfessorSnailandtheotherssaid：

“Youarehiredtodig，sir——thatisall。Weneedyourmuscle，notyourbrains。Whenwewantyouropiniononscientificmatters，wewillhastentoletyouknow。Yourcoolnessisintolerable，too——loafingaboutheremeddlingwithaugustmattersoflearning，whentheotherlaborersarepitchingcamp。Goalongandhelphandlethebaggage。”

TheTumble-Bugturnedonhisheeluncrushed，unabashed，observingtohimself，“Ifitisn’tlandtiltedup，letmediethedeathoftheunrighteous。”

ProfessorBullFrog(nephewofthelateexplorer)saidhebelievedtheridgewasthewallthatinclosedtheearth。Hecontinued：

“Ourfathershaveleftusmuchlearning，buttheyhadnottraveledfar，andsowemaycountthisanoblenewdiscovery。Wearesafeforrenownnow，eventhoughourlaborsbeganandendedwiththissingleachievement。