第2章

Jonesarrivedpromptly，andwhenIgotreadytodothecowhidinghetookthejoboffmyhands。Inanencounterwithastranger，notinthebilloffare，Ihadlostmyscalp。Anotherstranger，bythenameofThompson，leftmeamerewreckandruinofchaoticrags。Andatlast，atbayinthecorner，andbesetbyaninfuriatedmobofeditors，blacklegs，politicians，anddesperadoes，whoravedandsworeandflourishedtheirweaponsaboutmyheadtilltheairshimmeredwithglancingflashesofsteel，Iwasintheactofresigningmyberthonthepaperwhenthechiefarrived，andwithhimarabbleofcharmedandenthusiasticfriends。Thenensuedasceneofriotandcarnagesuchasnohumanpen，orsteeloneeither，coulddescribe。Peoplewereshot，probed，dismembered，blownup，thrownoutofthewindow。Therewasabrieftornadoofmurkyblasphemy，withaconfusedandfranticwar-danceglimmeringthroughit，andthenallwasover。Infiveminutestherewassilence，andthegorychiefandI

sataloneandsurveyedthesanguinaryruinthatstrewedtheflooraroundus。

Hesaid，“You’lllikethisplacewhenyougetusedtoit。”

Isaid，“I’llhavetogetyoutoexcuseme;IthinkmaybeImightwritetosuityouafterawhile;assoonasIhadhadsomepracticeandlearnedthelanguageIamconfidentIcould。But，tospeaktheplaintruth，thatsortofenergyofexpressionhasitsinconveniences，anda，manisliabletointerruption。

Youseethatyourself。Vigorouswritingiscalculatedtoelevatethepublic，nodoubt，butthenIdonotliketoattractsomuchattentionasitcallsforth。Ican’twritewithcomfortwhenIaminterruptedsomuchasIhavebeento-day。Ilikethisberthwellenough，butIdon’tliketobeleftheretowaitonthecustomers。Theexperiencesarenovel，Igrantyou，andentertaining，too，afterafashion，buttheyarenotjudiciouslydistributed。Agentlemanshootsatyouthroughthewindowandcripplesme;abombshellcomesdownthestovepipeforyourgratificationandsendsthestovedoordownmythroat;afrienddropsintoswapcomplimentswithyou，andfrecklesmewithbullet-holestillmyskinwon’tholdmyprinciples;yougotodinner，andJonescomeswithhiscowhide，Gillespiethrowsmeoutofthewindow，Thompsontearsallmyclothesoff，andanentirestrangertakesmyscalpwiththeeasyfreedomofanoldacquaintance;andinlessthanfiveminutesalltheblackguardsinthecountryarriveintheirwar-paint，andproceedtoscaretherestofmetodeathwiththeirtomahawks。Takeitaltogether，IneverhadsuchaspiritedtimeinallmylifeasIhavehadto-day。No;Ilikeyou，andIlikeyourcalmunruffledwayofexplainingthingstothecustomers，butyouseeIamnotusedtoit。TheSouthernheartistooimpulsive;Southernhospitalityistoolavishwiththestranger。TheparagraphswhichIhavewrittento-day，andintowhosecoldsentencesyourmasterlyhandhasinfusedtheferventspiritofTennesseeanjournalism，willwakeupanothernestofhornets。Allthatmobofeditorswillcome——andtheywillcomehungry，too，andwantsomebodyforbreakfast。Ishallhavetobidyouadieu。Ideclinetobepresentatthesefestivities。IcameSouthformyhealth，Iwillgobackonthesameerrand，andsuddenly。Tennesseeanjournalismistoostirringforme。”

Afterwhichwepartedwithmutualregret，andItookapartmentsatthehospital。

THESTORYOFTHEBADLITTLEBOY——[Writtenabout1865]

OncetherewasabadlittleboywhosenamewasJim——though，ifyouwillnotice，youwillfindthatbadlittleboysarenearlyalwayscalledJamesinyourSunday-schoolbooks。Itwasstrange，butstillitwastrue，thatthisonewascalledJim。

Hedidn’thaveanysickmother，either——asickmotherwhowaspiousandhadtheconsumption，andwouldbegladtoliedowninthegraveandbeatrestbutforthestronglovesheboreherboy，andtheanxietyshefeltthattheworldmightbeharshandcoldtowardhimwhenshewasgone。

MostbadboysintheSundaybooksarenamedJames，andhavesickmothers，whoteachthemtosay，“Now，Ilaymedown，“etc。andsingthemtosleepwithsweet，plaintivevoices，andthenkissthemgoodnight，andkneeldownbythebedsideandweep。Butitwasdifferentwiththisfellow。

HewasnamedJim，andtherewasn’tanythingthematterwithhismother——noconsumption，noranythingofthatkind。Shewasratherstoutthanotherwise，andshewasnotpious;moreover，shewasnotanxiousonJim’saccount。Shesaidifheweretobreakhisneckitwouldn’tbemuchloss。

ShealwaysspankedJimtosleep，andsheneverkissedhimgoodnight;onthecontrary，sheboxedhisearswhenshewasreadytoleavehim。

Oncethislittlebadboystolethekeyofthepantry，andslippedinthereandhelpedhimselftosomejam，andfilledupthevesselwithtar，sothathismotherwouldneverknowthedifference;butallatonceaterriblefeelingdidn’tcomeoverhim，andsomethingdidn’tseemtowhispertohim，“Isitrighttodisobeymymother？，Isn’titsinfultodothis？，Wheredobadlittleboysgowhogobbleuptheirgoodkindmother’sjam？”andthenhedidn’tkneeldownallaloneandpromisenevertobewickedanymore，andriseupwithalight，happyheart，andgoandtellhismotherallaboutit，andbegherforgiveness，andbeblessedbyherwithtearsofprideandthankfulnessinhereyes。No;thatisthewaywithallotherbadboysinthebooks;butithappenedotherwisewiththisJim，strangelyenough。Heatethatjam，andsaiditwasbully，inhissinful，vulgarway;andheputinthetar，andsaidthatwasbullyalso，andlaughed，andobserved“thattheoldwomanwouldgetupandsnort“

whenshefounditout;andwhenshedidfinditout，hedeniedknowinganythingaboutit，andshewhippedhimseverely，andhedidthecryinghimself。Everythingaboutthisboywascurious——everythingturnedoutdifferentlywithhimfromthewayitdoestothebadJamesesinthebooks。

OnceheclimbedupinFarmerAcorn’sappletreetostealapples，andthelimbdidn’tbreak，andhedidn’tfallandbreakhisarm，andgettornbythefarmer’sgreatdog，andthenlanguishonasickbedforweeks，andrepentandbecomegood。Oh，no;hestoleasmanyapplesashewantedandcamedownallright;andhewasallreadyforthedog，too，andknockedhimendwayswithabrickwhenhecametotearhim。Itwasverystrange——nothinglikeiteverhappenedinthosemildlittlebookswithmarbledbacks，andwithpicturesinthemofmenwithswallow-tailedcoatsandbell-crownedhats，andpantaloonsthatareshortinthelegs，andwomenwiththewaistsoftheirdressesundertheirarms，andnohoopson。

NothinglikeitinanyoftheSunday-schoolbooks。

Oncehestoletheteacher’spenknife，and，whenhewasafraiditwouldbefoundoutandhewouldgetwhipped，heslippeditintoGeorgeWilson’scappoorWidowWilson’sson，themoralboy，thegoodlittleboyofthevillage，whoalwaysobeyedhismother，andnevertoldanuntruth，andwasfondofhislessons，andinfatuatedwithSunday-school。Andwhentheknifedroppedfromthecap，andpoorGeorgehunghisheadandblushed，asifinconsciousguilt，andthegrievedteacherchargedthetheftuponhim，andwasjustintheveryactofbringingtheswitchdownuponhistremblingshoulders，awhite-haired，improbablejusticeofthepeacedidnotsuddenlyappearintheirmidst，andstrikeanattitudeandsay，“Sparethisnobleboy——therestandsthecoweringculprit！，Iwaspassingtheschooldooratrecess，and，unseenmyself，Isawthetheftcommitted！”AndthenJimdidn’tgetwhaled，andthevenerablejusticedidn’treadthetearfulschoolahomily，andtakeGeorgebythehandandsaysuchboydeservedtobeexalted，andthentellhimcomeandmakehishomewithhim，andsweepouttheoffice，andmakefires，andrunerrands，andchopwood，andstudylaw，andhelphiswifedohouseholdlabors，andhaveallthebalanceofthetimetoplayandgetfortycentsamonth，andbehappy。Noitwouldhavehappenedthatwayinthebooks，butdidn’thappenthatwaytoJim。Nomeddlingoldclamofajusticedroppedintomaketrouble，andsothemodelboyGeorgegotthrashed，andJimwasgladofitbecause，youknow，Jimhatedmoralboys。Jimsaidhewas“downonthemmilksops。”，Suchwasthecoarselanguageofthisbad，neglectedboy。

ButthestrangestthingthateverhappenedtoJimwasthetimehewentboatingonSunday，anddidn’tgetdrowned，andthatothertimethathegotcaughtoutinthestormwhenhewasfishingonSundayanddidn’tgetstruckbylightning。Why，youmightlook，andlook，allthroughtheSunday-schoolbooksfromnowtillnextChristmas，andyouwouldnevercomeacrossanythinglikethis。Oh，no;youwouldfindthatallthebadboyswhogoboatingonSundayinvariablygetdrowned;andallthebadboyswhogetcaughtoutinstormswhentheyarefishingonSundayinfalliblygetstruckbylightning。BoatswithbadboysinthemalwaysupsetonSunday，anditalwaysstormswhenbadboysgofishingontheSabbath。HowthisJimeverescapedisa，mysterytome。

ThisJimboreacharmedlife——thatmusthavebeenthewayofit。Nothingcouldhurthim。Heevengavetheelephantinthemenagerieaplugoftobacco，andtheelephantdidn’tknockthetopofhisheadoffwithhistrunk。Hebrowsedaroundthecupboardafteressence-ofpeppermint，anddidn’tmakeamistakeanddrinkaquafortis。Hestolehisfather’sgunandwenthuntingontheSabbath，anddidn’tshootthreeorfourofhisfingersoff。Hestruckhislittlesisteronthetemplewithhisfistwhenhewasangry，andshedidn’tlingerinpainthroughlongsummerdays，anddiewithsweetwordsofforgivenessuponherlipsthatredoubledtheanguishofhisbreakingheart。No;shegotoverit。Heranoffandwenttoseaatlast，anddidn’tcomebackandfindhimselfsadandaloneintheworld，hislovedonessleepinginthequietchurchyard，andthevine-emboweredhomeofhisboyhoodtumbleddownandgonetodecay。Ah，no;hecamehomeasdrunkasapiper，andgotintothestation-housethefirstthing。

Andhegrewupandmarried，andraisedalargefamily，andbrainedthemallwithanaxonenight，andgotwealthybyallmannerofcheatingandrascality;andnowheistheinfernalestwickedestscoundrelinhisnativevillage，andisuniversallyrespected，andbelongstothelegislature。

SoyouseethereneverwasabadJamesintheSunday-schoolbooksthathadsuchastreakofluckasthissinfulJimwiththecharmedlife。

THESTORYOFTHEGOODLITTLEBOY——[Wittenabout1865]

OncetherewasagoodlittleboybythenameofJacobBlivens。Healwaysobeyedhisparents，nomatterhowabsurdandunreasonabletheirdemandswere;andhealwayslearnedhisbook，andneverwaslateatSabbath-

school。Hewouldnotplayhookey，evenwhenhissoberjudgmenttoldhimitwasthemostprofitablethinghecoulddo。Noneoftheotherboyscouldevermakethatboyout，heactedsostrangely。Hewouldn’tlie，nomatterhowconvenientitwas。Hejustsaiditwaswrongtolie，andthatwassufficientforhim。Andhewassohonestthathewassimplyridiculous。ThecuriouswaysthatthatJacobhad，surpassedeverything。

Hewouldn’tplaymarblesonSunday，hewouldn’trobbirds’nests，hewouldn’tgivehotpenniestoorgan-grinders’monkeys;hedidn’tseemtotakeanyinterestinanykindofrationalamusement。Sotheotherboysusedtotrytoreasonitoutandcometoanunderstandingofhim，buttheycouldn’tarriveatanysatisfactoryconclusion。AsIsaidbefore，theycouldonlyfigureoutasortofvagueideathathewas“afflicted，“

andsotheytookhimundertheirprotection，andneverallowedanyharmtocometohim。

ThisgoodlittleboyreadalltheSunday-schoolbooks;theywerehisgreatestdelight。Thiswasthewholesecretofit。HebelievedinthegoldlittleboystheyputintheSunday-schoolbook;hehadeveryconfidenceinthem。Helongedtocomeacrossoneofthemaliveonce;

butheneverdid。Theyalldiedbeforehistime，maybe。Wheneverhereadaboutaparticularlygoodoneheturnedoverquicklytotheendtoseewhatbecameofhim，becausehewantedtotravelthousandsofmilesandgazeonhim;butitwasn’tanyuse;thatgoodlittleboyalwaysdiedinthelastchapter，andtherewasapictureofthefuneral，withallhisrelationsandtheSunday-schoolchildrenstandingaroundthegraveinpantaloonsthatweretooshort，andbonnetsthatweretoolarge，andeverybodycryingintohandkerchiefsthathadasmuchasayardandahalfofstuffinthem。Hewasalwaysheadedoffinthisway。Henevercouldseeoneofthosegoodlittleboysonaccountofhisalwaysdyinginthelastchapter。

JacobhadanobleambitiontobeputinaSundayschoolbook。Hewantedtobeputin，withpicturesrepresentinghimgloriouslydecliningtolietohismother，andherweepingforjoyaboutit;andpicturesrepresentinghimstandingonthedoorstepgivingapennytoapoorbeggar-womanwithsixchildren，andtellinghertospenditfreely，butnottobeextravagant，becauseextravaganceisasin;andpicturesofhimmagnanimouslyrefusingtotellonthebadboywhoalwayslayinwaitforhimaroundthecornerashecamefromschool，andweltedhimsoovertheheadwithalath，andthenchasedhimhome，saying，“Hi！hi！”asheproceeded。ThatwastheambitionofyoungJacobBlivens。HewishedtobeputinaSunday-schoolbook。Itmadehimfeelalitheuncomfortablesometimeswhenhereflectedthatthegoodlittleboysalwaysdied。Helovedtolive，youknow，andthiswasthemostunpleasantfeatureaboutbeingaSunday-school-booboy。Heknewitwasnothealthytobegood。

Heknewitwasmorefatalthanconsumptiontobesosupernaturallygoodastheboysinthebookswereheknewthatnoneofthemhadeverbeenabletostanditlong，anditpainedhimtothinkthatiftheyputhiminabookhewouldn’teverseeit，oreveniftheydidgetthebookoutbeforehedieditwouldn’tbepopularwithoutanypictureofhisfuneralinthebackpartofit。Itcouldn’tbemuchofaSunday-schoolbookthatcouldn’ttellabouttheadvicehegavetothecommunitywhenhewasdying。Soatlast，ofcourse，hehadtomakeuphismindtodothebesthecouldunderthecircumstances——toliveright，andhangonaslongashecouldandhavehisdyingspeechallreadywhenhistimecame。

Butsomehownothingeverwentrightwiththegoodlittleboy;nothingeverturnedoutwithhimthewayitturnedoutwiththegoodlittleboysinthebooks。Theyalwayshadagoodtime，andthebadboyshadthebrokenlegs;butinhiscasetherewasascrewloosesomewhere，anditallhappenedjusttheotherway。WhenhefoundJimBlakestealingapples，andwentunderthetreetoreadtohimaboutthebadlittleboywhofelloutofaneighbor’sappletreeandbrokehisarm，Jimfelloutofthetree，too，buthefellonhimandbrokehisarm，andJimwasn’thurtatall。Jacobcouldn’tunderstandthat。Therewasn’tanythinginthebookslikeit。

Andonce，whensomebadboyspushedablindmanoverinthemud，andJacobrantohelphimupandreceivehisblessing，theblindmandidnotgivehimanyblessingatall，butwhackedhimovertheheadwithhisstickandsaidhewouldliketocatchhimshovinghimagain，andthenpretendingtohelphimup。Thiswasnotinaccordancewithanyofthebooks。Jacoblookedthemallovertosee。

OnethingthatJacobwantedtodowastofindalamedogthathadn’tanyplacetostay，andwashungryandpersecuted，andbringhimhomeandpethimandhavethatdog’simperishablegratitude。Andatlasthefoundoneandwashappy;andhebroughthimhomeandfedhim，butwhenhewasgoingtopethimthedogflewathimandtorealltheclothesoffhimexceptthosethatwereinfront，andmadeaspectacleofhimthatwasastonishing。Heexaminedauthorities，buthecouldnotunderstandthematter。Itwasofthesamebreedofdogsthatwasinthebooks，butitactedverydifferently。Whateverthisboydidhegotintotrouble。Theverythingstheboysinthebooksgotrewardedforturnedouttobeaboutthemostunprofitablethingshecouldinvestin。

Once，whenhewasonhiswaytoSunday-school，hesawsomebadboysstartingoffpleasuringinasailboat。Hewasfilledwithconsternation，becauseheknewfromhisreadingthatboyswhowentsailingonSundayinvariablygotdrowned。Soheranoutonarafttowarnthem，butalogturnedwithhimandslidhimintotheriver。Amangothimoutprettysoon，andthedoctorpumpedthewateroutofhim，andgavehimafreshstartwithhisbellows，buthecaughtcoldandlaysickabednineweeks。

Butthemostunaccountablethingaboutitwasthatthebadboysintheboathadagoodtimeallday，andthenreachedhomealiveandwellinthemostsurprisingmanner。JacobBlivenssaidtherewasnothinglikethesethingsinthebooks。Hewasperfectlydumfounded。

Whenhegotwellhewasalittlediscouraged，butheresolvedtokeepontryinganyhow。Heknewthatsofarhisexperienceswouldn’tdotogoinabook，buthehadn’tyetreachedtheallottedtermoflifeforgoodlittleboys，andhehopedtobeabletomakearecordyetifhecouldholdontillhistimewasfullyup。Ifeverythingelsefailedhehadhisdyingspeechtofallbackon。

Heexaminedhisauthorities，andfoundthatitwasnowtimeforhimtogotoseaasacabin-boy。Hecalledonaship-captainandmadehisapplication，andwhenthecaptainaskedforhisrecommendationsheproudlydrewoutatractandpointedtotheword，“ToJacobBlivens，fromhisaffectionateteacher。”，Butthecaptainwasacoarse，vulgarman，andhesaid，“Oh，thatbeblowed！thatwasn’tanyproofthatheknewhowtowashdishesorhandleaslush-bucket，andheguessedhedidn’twanthim。”

ThiswasaltogetherthemostextraordinarythingthateverhappenedtoJacobinallhislife。Acomplimentfromateacher，onatract，hadneverfailedtomovethetenderestemotionsofship-captains，andopenthewaytoallofficesofhonorandprofitintheirgiftitneverhadinanybookthateverhehadread。Hecouldhardlybelievehissenses。

Thisboyalwayshadahardtimeofit。Nothingevercameoutaccordingtotheauthoritieswithhim。Atlast，oneday，whenhewasaroundhuntingupbadlittleboystoadmonish，hefoundalotofthemintheoldiron-foundryfixingupalittlejokeonfourteenorfifteendogs，whichtheyhadtiedtogetherinlongprocession，andweregoingtoornamentwithemptynitroglycerincansmadefasttotheirtails。Jacob’sheartwastouched。Hesatdownononeofthosecans(forhenevermindedgreasewhendutywasbeforehim)，andhetookholdoftheforemostdogbythecollar，andturnedhisreprovingeyeuponwickedTomJones。ButjustatthatmomentAldermanMcWelter，fullofwrath，steppedin。Allthebadboysranaway，butJacobBlivensroseinconsciousinnocenceandbeganoneofthosestatelylittleSunday-school-bookspeecheswhichalwayscommencewith“Oh，sir！”indeadoppositiontothefactthatnoboy，goodorbad，everstartsaremarkwith“Oh，sir。”，Butthealdermanneverwaitedtoheartherest。HetookJacobBlivensbytheearandturnedhimaround，andhithimawhackintherearwiththeflatofhishand;andinaninstantthatgoodlittleboyshotoutthroughtheroofandsoaredawaytowardthesunwiththefragmentsofthosefifteendogsstringingafterhimlikethetailofakite。Andtherewasn’tasignofthataldermanorthatoldiron-foundryleftonthefaceoftheearth;and，asforyoungJacobBlivens，henevergotachancetomakehislastdyingspeechafterallhistroublefixingitup，unlesshemadeittothebirds;because，althoughthebulkofhimcamedownallrightinatree-topinanadjoiningcounty，therestofhimwasapportionedaroundamongfourtownships，andsotheyhadtoholdfiveinquestsonhimtofindoutwhetherhewasdeadornot，andhowitoccurred。Youneversawaboyscatteredso——[Thisglycerincatastropheisborrowedfromafloatingnewspaperitem，whoseauthor’snameIwouldgiveifIknewit——M。T。]

Thusperishedthegoodlittleboywhodidthebesthecould，butdidn’tcomeoutaccordingtothebooks。Everyboywhoeverdidashedidprosperedexcepthim。Hiscaseistrulyremarkable。Itwillprobablyneverbeaccountedfor。

ACOUPLEOFPOEMSBYTWAINANDMOORE——[Writtenabout1865]

THOSEEVENINGBELLS

BYTHOMASMOORE

Thoseeveningbells！，thoseeveningbells！

HowmanyataletheirmusictellsOfyouth，andhome，andthatsweettimeWhenlastIheardtheirsoothingchime。

Thosejoyoushoursarepassedaway;

Andmanyaheartthatthenwasgay，Withinthetombnowdarklydwells，Andhearsnomorethoseeveningbells。

Andso’twillbewhenIamgoneThattunefulpealwillstillringon;

Whileotherbardsshallwalkthesedells，Andsingyourpraise，sweeteveningbells。

THOSEANNUALBILLS

BYMARKTWAIN

Theseannualbills！theseannualbills！

HowmanyasongtheirdiscordtrillsOf“truck“consumed，enjoyed，forgot，SinceIwasskinnedbylastyear’slot！

Thosejoyousbeansarepassedaway;

Thoseonionsblithe，Owherearethey？

Onceloved，lost，mourned——nowvexingILLS

Yourshadestroopbackinannualbills！

Andso’twillbewhenI’magroundTheseyearlydunswillstillgoround，Whileotherbards，withfranticquills，Shalldamnanddamntheseannualbills！

NIAGARA[Writtenabout1871。]

NiagaraFallsisamostenjoyableplaceofresort。Thehotelsareexcellent，andthepricesnotatallexorbitant。Theopportunitiesforfishingarenotsurpassedinthecountry;infact，theyarenotevenequaledelsewhere。Because，inotherlocalities，certainplacesinthestreamsaremuchbetterthanothers;butatNiagaraoneplaceisjustasgoodasanother，forthereasonthatthefishdonotbiteanywhere，andsothereisnouseinyourwalkingfivemilestofish，whenyoucandependonbeingjustasunsuccessfulnearerhome。Theadvantagesofthisstateofthingshaveneverheretoforebeenproperlyplacedbeforethepublic。

Theweatheriscoolinsummer，andthewalksanddrivesareallpleasantandnoneofthemfatiguing。Whenyoustartoutto“do“theFallsyoufirstdrivedownaboutamile，andpayasmallsumfortheprivilegeoflookingdownfromaprecipiceintothenarrowestpartoftheNiagaraRiver。Arailway“cut“throughahillwouldbeascomelyifithadtheangryrivertumblingandfoamingthroughitsbottom。Youcandescendastaircasehereahundredandfiftyfeetdown，andstandattheedgeofthewater。Afteryouhavedoneit，youwillwonderwhyyoudidit;butyouwillthenbetoolate。

Theguidewillexplaintoyou，inhisblood-curdlingway，howhesawthelittlesteamer，MaidoftheMist，descendthefearfulrapids——howfirstonepaddle-boxwasoutofsightbehindtheragingbillowsandthentheother，andatwhatpointitwasthathersmokestacktoppledoverboard，andwhereherplankingbegantobreakandpartasunder——andhowshedidfinallylivethroughthetrip，afteraccomplishingtheincrediblefeatoftravelingseventeenmilesinsixminutes，orsixmilesinseventeenminutes，Ihavereallyforgottenwhich。Butitwasveryextraordinary，anyhow。Itisworththepriceofadmissiontoheartheguidetellthestoryninetimesinsuccessiontodifferentparties，andnevermissawordoralterasentenceoragesture。

ThenyoudriveovertoSuspensionBridge，anddivideyourmiserybetweenthechancesofsmashingdowntwohundredfeetintotheriverbelow，andthechancesofhavingtherailway-trainoverheadsmashingdownontoyou。

Eitherpossibilityisdiscomfortingtakenbyitself，but，mixedtogether，theyamountintheaggregatetopositiveunhappiness。

OntheCanadasideyoudrivealongthechasmbetweenlongranksofphotographersstandingguardbehindtheircameras，readytomakeanostentatiousfrontispieceofyouandyourdecayingambulance，andyoursolemncratewithahideonit，whichyouareexpectedtoregardinthelightofahorse，andadiminishedandunimportantbackgroundofsublimeNiagara;andagreatmanypeoplehavetheincredibleeffronteryorthenativedepravitytoaidandabetthissortofcrime。

Anyday，inthehandsofthesephotographers，youmayseestatelypicturesofpapaandmamma，JohnnyandBubandSisoracoupleofcountrycousins，allsmilingvacantly，andalldisposedinstudiedanduncomfortableattitudesintheircarriage，andallloomingupintheirawe-inspiringimbecilitybeforethesnubbedanddiminishedpresentmentofthatmajesticpresencewhoseministeringspiritsaretherainbows，whosevoiceisthethunder，whoseawfulfrontisveiledinclouds，whowasmonarchheredeadandforgottenagesbeforethishackfulofsmallreptileswasdeemedtemporarilynecessarytofillacrackintheworld’sunnotedmyriads，andwillstillbemonarchhereagesanddecadesofagesaftertheyshallhavegatheredthemselvestotheirblood-relations，theotherworms，andbeenmingledwiththeunrememberingdust。

ThereisnoactualharminmakingNiagaraabackgroundwhereontodisplayone’smarvelousinsignificanceinagoodstronglight，butitrequiresasortofsuperhumanself-complacencytoenableonetodoit。

WhenyouhaveexaminedthestupendousHorseshoeFalltillyouaresatisfiedyoucannotimproveonit，youreturntoAmericabythenewSuspensionBridge，andfollowupthebanktowheretheyexhibittheCaveoftheWinds。

HereIfollowedinstructions，anddivestedmyselfofallmyclothing，andputonawaterproofjacketandoveralls。Thiscostumeispicturesque，butnotbeautiful。Aguide，similarlydressed，ledthewaydownaflightofwindingstairs，whichwoundandwound，andstillkeptonwindinglongafterthethingceasedtobeanovelty，andthenterminatedlongbeforeithadbeguntobeapleasure。Wewerethenwelldownundertheprecipice，butstillconsiderablyabovetheleveloftheriver。

Wenowbegantocreepalongflimsybridgesofasingleplank，ourpersonsshieldedfromdestructionbyacrazywoodenrailing，towhichIclungwithbothhands——notbecauseIwasafraid，butbecauseIwantedto。

Presentlythedescentbecamesteeperandthebridgeflimsier，andspraysfromtheAmericanFallbegantoraindownonusinfastincreasingsheetsthatsoonbecameblinding，andafterthatourprogresswasmostlyinthenatureofgroping。Novaafuriouswindbegantorushoutfrombehindthewaterfall，whichseemeddeterminedtosweepusfromthebridge，andscatterusontherocksandamongthetorrentsbelow。IremarkedthatI

wantedtogohome;butitwastoolate。Wewerealmostunderthemonstrouswallofwaterthunderingdownfromabove，andspeechwasinvaininthemidstofsuchapitilesscrashofsound。

Inanothermomenttheguidedisappearedbehindthedeluge，andbewilderedbythethunder，drivenhelplesslybythewind，andsmittenbythearrowytempestofrain，Ifollowed。Allwasdarkness。Suchamadstorming，roaring，andbellowingofwarringwindandwaternevercrazedmyearsbefore。Ibentmyhead，andseemedtoreceivetheAtlanticonmyback。

Theworldseemedgoingtodestruction。Icouldnotseeanything，thefloodpoureddownsavagely。Iraisedmyhead，withopenmouth，andthemostoftheAmericancataractwentdownmythroat。IfIhadsprungaleaknowIhadbeenlost。AndatthismomentIdiscoveredthatthebridgehadceased，andwemusttrustforafootholdtotheslipperyandprecipitousrocks。Ineverwassoscaredbeforeandsurvivedit。Butwegotthroughatlast，andemergedintotheopenday，wherewecouldstandinfrontofthelacedandfrothyandseethingworldofdescendingwater，andlookatit。WhenIsawhowmuchofittherewas，andhowfearfullyinearnestitwas，IwassorryIhadgonebehindit。

ThenobleRedManhasalwaysbeenafriendanddarlingofmine。Ilovetoreadabouthimintalesandlegendsandromances。Ilovetoreadofhisinspiredsagacity，andhisloveofthewildfreelifeofmountainandforest，andhisgeneralnobilityofcharacter，andhisstatelymetaphoricalmannerofspeech，andhischivalrouslovefortheduskymaiden，andthepicturesquepompofhisdressandaccoutrements。

Especiallythepicturesquepompofhisdressandaccoutrements。WhenI

foundtheshopsatNiagaraFallsfullofdaintyIndianbeadwork，andstunningmoccasins，andequallystunningtoyfiguresrepresentinghumanbeingswhocarriedtheirweaponsinholesboredthroughtheirarmsandbodies，andhadfeetshapedlikeapie，Iwasfilledwithemotion。

Iknewthatnow，atlast，IwasgoingtocomefacetofacewiththenobleRedMan。

Aladyclerkinashoptoldme，indeed，thatallhergrandarrayofcuriositiesweremadebytheIndians，andthattheywereplentyabouttheFalls，andthattheywerefriendly，anditwouldnotbedangeroustospeaktothem。Andsureenough，asIapproachedthebridgeleadingovertoLunaIsland，IcameuponanobleSonoftheForestsittingunderatree，diligentlyatworkonabeadreticule。Heworeaslouchhatandbrogans，andhadashortblackpipeinhismouth。ThusdoesthebanefulcontactwithoureffeminatecivilizationdilutethepicturesquepompwhichissonaturaltotheIndianwhenfarremovedfromusinhisnativehaunts。Iaddressedtherelicasfollows：

“IstheWawhoo-Wang-WangoftheWhack-a-Whackhappy？，DoesthegreatSpeckledThundersighforthewar-path，orishisheartcontentedwithdreamingoftheduskymaiden，thePrideoftheForest？，DoesthemightySachemyearntodrinkthebloodofhisenemies，orishesatisfiedtomakebeadreticulesforthepappoosesofthepaleface？，Speak，sublimerelicofbygonegrandeur——venerableruin，speak！”

Therelicsaid：

“An’isitmesilf，DennisHooligan，thatye’dbetakon’foradirtyInjin，yedrawlin’，lantern-jawed，spider-leggeddivil！，BythepiperthatplayedbeforeMoses，I’llateye！”

Iwentawayfromthere。

Byandby，intheneighborhoodoftheTerrapinTower，Icameuponagentledaughteroftheaboriginesinfringedandbeadedbuckskinmoccasinsandleggins，seatedonabenchwithherprettywaresabouther。

Shehadjustcarvedoutawoodenchiefthathadastrongfamilyresemblancetoaclothes-pin，andwasnowboringaholethroughhisabdomentoputhisbowthrough。Ihesitatedamoment，andthenaddressedher：

“Istheheartoftheforestmaidenheavy？，IstheLaughingTadpolelonely？，Doesshemournovertheextinguishedcouncil-firesofherrace，andthevanishedgloryofherancestors？，Ordoeshersadspiritwanderafartowardthehunting-groundswhitherherbraveGobbler-of-the-

Lightningsisgone？，Whyismydaughtersilent？，Hassheoughtagainstthepalefacestranger？”

Themaidensaid：

“Faix，an’isitBiddyMaloneyedaretobecallin’names？，Lavethis，orI’llshyyourleancarcassoverthecataract，yesnivelingblaggard！”

Iadjournedfromtherealso。

“ConfoundtheseIndians！”Isaid。”Theytoldmetheyweretame;but，ifappearancesgoforanything，Ishouldsaytheywereallonthewarpath。”

Imadeonemoreattempttofraternizewiththem，andonlyone。Icameuponacampofthemgatheredintheshadeofagreattree，makingwampumandmoccasins，andaddressedtheminthelanguageoffriendship：

“NobleRedMen，Braves，GrandSachems，WarChiefs，Squaws，andHighMuck-

a-Mucks，thepalefacefromthelandofthesettingsungreetsyou！You，BeneficentPolecat——you，DevourerofMountains——you，RoaringThundergust——you，BullyBoywithaGlasseye——thepalefacefrombeyondthegreatwatersgreetsyouall！Warandpestilencehavethinnedyourranksanddestroyedyouronceproudnation。Pokerandseven-up，andavainmodernexpenseforsoap，unknowntoyourgloriousancestors，havedepletedyourpurses。Appropriating，inyoursimplicity，thepropertyofothershasgottenyouintotrouble。Misrepresentingfacts，inyoursimpleinnocence，hasdamagedyourreputationwiththesoullessusurper。

Tradingforforty-rodwhisky，toenableyoutogetdrunkandhappyandtomahawkyourfamilies，hasplayedtheeverlastingmischiefwiththepicturesquepompofyourdress，andhereyouare，inthebroadlightofthenineteenthcentury，gottenupliketheragtagandbobtailofthepurlieusofNewYork。Forshame！，Rememberyourancestors！，Recalltheirmightydeeds！，RememberUncas！——andRedjacket！andHoleintheDay！——

andWhoopdedoodledo！，Emulatetheirachievements！，Unfurlyourselvesundermybanner，noblesavages，illustriousguttersnipes——“

“Downwidhim！”“Scooptheblaggard！”“Burnhim！”“Banghim！”

“Dhroundhim！”

Itwasthequickestoperationthateverwas。Isimplysawasuddenflashintheairofclubs，brickbats，fists，bead-baskets，andmoccasins——asingleflash，andtheyallappearedtohitmeatonce，andnotwooftheminthesameplace。Inthenextinstanttheentiretribewasuponme。

Theytorehalftheclothesoffme;theybrokemyarmsandlegs;theygavemeathumpthatdentedthetopofmyheadtillitwouldholdcoffeelikeasaucer;and，tocrowntheirdisgracefulproceedingsandaddinsulttoinjury，theythrewmeovertheNiagaraFalls，andIgotwet。

Aboutninetyorahundredfeetfromthetop，theremainsofmyvestcaughtonaprojectingrock，andIwasalmostdrownedbeforeIcouldgetloose。Ifinallyfell，andbroughtupinaworldofwhitefoamatthefootoftheFall，whosecelledandbubblymassestoweredupseveralinchesabovemyhead。OfcourseIgotintotheeddy。Isailedroundandroundinitforty-fourtimes——chasingachipandgainingonit——eachroundtripahalf-mile——reachingforthesamebushonthebankforty-fourtimes，andjustexactlymissingitbyahair’s-breadtheverytime。

Atlastamanwalkeddownandsatdownclosetothatbush，andputapipeinhismouth，andlitamatch，andfollowedmewithoneeyeandkepttheotheronthematch，whilehesheltereditinhishandsfromthewind。

Presentlyapuffofwindblewitout。ThenexttimeIsweptaroundhesaid：

“Gotamatch？”

“Yes;inmyothervest。Helpmeout，please。”

“NotforJoe。”

WhenIcameroundagain，Isaid：

“Excusetheseeminglyimpertinentcuriosityofadrowningman，butwillyouexplainthissingularconductofyours？”

“Withpleasure。Iamthecoroner。Don’thurryonmyaccount。Icanwaitforyou。ButIwishIhadamatch。”

Isaid：“Takemyplace，andI’llgoandgetyouone。”

Hedeclined。Thislackofconfidenceonhispartcreatedacoldnessbetweenus，andfromthattimeforwardIavoidedhim。Itwasmyidea，incaseanythinghappenedtome，tosotimetheoccurrenceastothrowmycustomintothehandsoftheoppositioncoronerontheAmericanside。

Atlastapolicemancamealong，andarrestedmefordisturbingthepeacebyyellingatpeopleonshoreforhelp。Thejudgefinedme，buthadtheadvantageofhim。Mymoneywaswithmypantaloons，andmypantaloonswerewiththeIndians。

ThusIescaped。Iamnowlyinginaverycriticalcondition。AtleastI

amlyinganyway——criticalornotcritical。Iamhurtallover，butI

cannottellthefullextentyet，becausethedoctorisnotdonetakinginventory。Hewillmakeoutmymanifestthisevening。However，thusfarhethinksonlysixteenofmywoundsarefatal。Idon’tmindtheothers。

Uponregainingmyrightmind，Isaid：

“ItisanawfulsavagetribeofIndiansthatdothebeadworkandmoccasinsforNiagaraFalls，doctor。Wherearetheyfrom？”

“Limerick，myson。”

ANSWERSTOCORRESPONDENTS——[Writtenabout1865。]

“MORALSTATISTICIAN。”——Idon’twantanyofyourstatistics;Itookyourwholebatchandlitmypipewithit。Ihateyourkindofpeople。Youarealwayscipheringouthowmuchaman’shealthisinjured，andhowmuchhisintellectisimpaired，andhowmanypitifuldollarsandcentshewastesinthecourseofninety-twoyears’indulgenceinthefatalpracticeofsmoking;andintheequallyfatalpracticeofdrinkingcoffee;andinplayingbilliardsoccasionally;andintakingaglassofwineatdinner，etc。etc。etc。Andyouarealwaysfiguringouthowmanywomenhavebeenburnedtodeathbecauseofthedangerousfashionofwearingexpansivehoops，etc。etc。etc。Youneverseemorethanonesideofthequestion。YouareblindtothefactthatmostoldmeninAmericasmokeanddrinkcoffee，although，accordingtoyourtheory，theyoughttohavediedyoung;andthatheartyoldEnglishmendrinkwineandsurviveit，andportlyoldDutchmenbothdrinkandsmokefreely，andyetgrowolderandfatterallthetime。Andyouneverbytofindouthowmuchsolidcomfort，relaxation，andenjoymentamanderivesfromsmokinginthecourseofalifetime(whichisworthtentimesthemoneyhewouldsavebylettingitalone)，northeappallingaggregateofhappinesslostinalifetimeyourkindofpeoplefromnotsmoking。Ofcourseyoucansavemoneybydenyingyourselfallthelittleviciousenjoymentsforfiftyyears;butthenwhatcanyoudowithit？，Whatusecanyouputitto？，Moneycan’tsaveyourinfinitesimalsoul。Alltheusethatmoneycanbeputtoistopurchasecomfortandenjoymentinthislife;

therefore，asyouareanenemytocomfortandenjoyment，whereistheuseofaccumulatingcash？，Itwon’tdoforyousaythatyoucanuseittobetterpurposeinfurnishingagoodtable，andincharities，andinsupportingtractsocieties，becauseyouknowyourselfthatyoupeoplewhohavenopettyvicesareneverknowntogiveawayacent，andthatyoustintyourselvessointhematteroffoodthatyouarealwaysfeebleandhungry。Andyouneverdaretolaughinthedaytimeforfearsomepoorwretch，seeingyouinagoodhumor，willtrytoborrowadollarofyou;

andinchurchyouarealwaysdownonyourknees，withyoureyesburiedinthecushion，whenthecontribution-boxcomesaround;andyounevergivetherevenueofficer：fullstatementofyourincome。Nowyouknowthesethingsyourself，don’tyou？，Verywell，thenwhatistheuseofyourstringingoutyourmiserablelivestoaleanandwitheredoldage？，Whatistheuseofyoursavingmoneythatissoutterlyworthlesstoyou？，Inaword，whydon’tyougooffsomewhereanddie，andnotbealwaystryingtoseducepeopleintobecomingas“ornery“andunlovableasyouareyourselves，byyourvillainous“moralstatistics“？，NowIdon’tapproveofdissipation，andIdon’tindulgeinit，either;butIhaven’taparticleofconfidenceinamanwhohasnoredeemingpettyvices，andsoIdon’twanttohearfromyouanymore。Ithinkyouaretheverysamemanwhoreadmealonglecturelastweekaboutthedegradingviceofsmokingcigars，andthencameback，inmyabsence，withyourreprehensiblefireproofgloveson，andcarriedoffmybeautifulparlorstove。

“YOUNGAUTHOR。”——Yes，Agassizdoesrecommendauthorstoeatfish，becausethephosphorusinitmakesbrain。Sofaryouarecorrect。ButIcannothelpyoutoadecisionabouttheamountyouneedtoeat——atleast，notwithcertainty。Ifthespecimencompositionyousendisaboutyourfairusualaverage，Ishouldjudgethatperhapsacoupleofwhaleswouldbeallyouwouldwantforthepresent。Notthelargestkind，butsimplygood，middling-sizedwhales。

“SIMONWHEELER，“Sonora——Thefollowingsimpleandtouchingremarksandaccompanyingpoemhavejustcometohandfromtherichgold-miningregionofSonora：

ToMr。MarkTwain：Thewithinparson，whichIhavesettopoetryunderthenameandstyleof“HeDoneHisLevelBest，“wasoneamongthewhitestmenIeversee，anditain’teverymanthatknowedhimthatcanfinditinhishearttosayhe’sgladthepoorcussisbustedandgonehometotheStates。Hewashereinanearlyday，andhewasthehandyestmanabouttakin’holtofanythingthatcomealongyoumosteversee，Ijudge。Hewasacheerful，stirnn’

cretur，alwaysdoin’somethin’，andnomancansayheeverseehimdoanythingbyhalvers。Preachinwashisnateralgait，buthewarn’tamantolaybackatwidlehisthumbsbecausetheredidn’thappentobenothin’doinhisownespecialline——no，sir，hewasamanwhowouldmeanderforthandstirupsomethingforhisself。Hislastactswastogohispileon“Kings-and“(calkatin’tofill，butwhichhedidn’tfill)，whentherewasa“flush“outaginhim，andnaterally，yousee，hewentunder。Andsohewascleanedoutasyoumaysay，andhestruckthehome-trail，cheerfulbutflatbroke。I

knowedthistalontedmaninArkansaw，andifyouwouldprintthishumblytributetohisgorgisabilities，youwouldgreatlyobleegehisonhappyfriend。

HEDONEHISLEVELBEST

Washeaminingontheflat——

Hedoneitwithazest;

Washealeadingofthechoir——

Hedonehislevelbest。

Ifhe’dareg’lartasktodo，Henevertooknorest;

Orif’twasoff-and-on-thesame——

Hedonehislevelbest。

Ifhewaspreachin’onhisbeat，He’dtrampfromeasttowest，Andnorthtosouth-incoldandheatHedonehislevelbest。

He’dyankasinnerouten(Hades)，**

Andlandhimwiththeblest;

Thensnatchaprayer’nwaltzinagain，Anddohislevelbest。

**HereIhavetakenaslightlibertywiththeoriginalMS。”Hades“

doesnotmakesuchgoodmeterastheotherwordofonesyllable，butitsoundsbetter。

He’dcussandsingandhowlandpray，Anddanceanddrinkandjest，Andlieandsteal-allonetohim——

Hedonehislevelbest。

Whate’erthismanwassottodo，Hedoneitwithazest;

Nomatterwhathiscontractwas，HE’DDOHISLEVELBEST。

Verily，thismanwasgiftedwith“gorgisabilities，“anditisahappinesstometoembalmthememoryoftheirlusterinthesecolumns。

IfitwerenotthatthepoetcropisunusuallylargeandrankinCaliforniathisyear，Iwouldencourageyoutocontinuewriting，SimonWheeler;but，asitis，perhapsitmightbetooriskyinyoutoenteragainstsomuchopposition。

“PROFESSIONALBEGGAR。”——NO;youarenotobligedtotakegreenbacksatpar。

“MELTONMOWBRAY，“DutchFlat——Thiscorrespondentsendsalotofdoggerel，andsaysithasbeenregardedasverygoodinDutchFlat。I

giveaspecimenverse：

TheAssyriancamedownlikeawolfonthefold，Andhiscohortsweregleamingwithpurpleandgold;

Andthesheenofhisspearswaslikestarsonthesea，WhenthebluewaverollsnightlyondeepGalilee。**

**Thispieceofpleasantry，publishedinaSanFranciscopaper，wasmistakenbythecountryjournalsforseriousness，andmanyandloudwerethedenunciationsoftheignoranceofauthorandeditor，innotknowingthatthelinesinquestionwere“writtenbyByron。”

There，thatwilldo。ThatmaybeverygoodDutchFlatpoetry，butitwon’tdointhemetropolis。Itistoosmoothandblubbery;itreadslikebuttermilkgurglingfromajug。Whatthepeopleoughttohaveissomethingspirited——somethinglike“JohnnyComesMarchingHome。”，Howeverkeeponpractising，andyoumaysucceedyet。Thereisgeniusinyou，buttoomuchblubber。

“ST。CLAIRHIGGINS。”LosAngeles——“Mylifeisafailure;Ihaveadored，wildly，madly，andshewhomIlovehasturnedcoldlyfrommeandshedheraffectionsuponanother。Whatwouldyouadvisemetodo？”

Youshouldsetyouraffectionsonanotheralso——oronseveral，ifthereareenoughtogoround。Also，doeverythingyoucantomakeyourformerflameunhappy。Thereisanabsurdideadisseminatedinnovels，thatthehappieragirliswithanotherman，thehappieritmakestheoldlovershehasblighted。Don’tallowyourselftobelieveanysuchnonsenseasthat。Themorecausethatgirlfindstoregretthatshedidnotmarryyou，themorecomfortableyouwillfeeloverit。Itisn’tpoetical，butitismightysounddoctrine。

“ARITIIMETICUS。”Virginia，Nevada——“Ifitwouldtakeacannon-ball3and1/3secondstotravelfourmiles，and3and3/8secondstotravelthenextfour，and3and5/8totravelthenextfour，andifitsrateofprogresscontinuedtodiminishinthesameratio，howlongwouldittakeittogofifteenhundredmillionmiles？”

Idon’tknow。

“AMBITIOUSLEARNER，“Oakland——Yes;youarerightAmericawasnotdiscoveredbyAlexanderSelkirk。

“DISCARDEDLOVER。”——“Iloved，andstilllove，thebeautifulEdwithaHoward，andintendedtomarryher。Yet，duringmytemporaryabsenceatBenicia，lastweek，alas！shemarriedJones。Ismyhappinesstobethusblastedforlife？HaveInoredress？”

Ofcourseyouhave。Allthelaw，writtenandunwritten，isonyourside。

Theintentionandnottheactconstitutescrime——inotherwords，constitutesthedeed。Ifyoucallyourbosomfriendafool，andintenditforaninsult，itisaninsult;butifyoudoitplayfully，andmeaningnoinsult，itisnotaninsult。Ifyoudischargeapistolaccidentally，andkillaman，youcangofree，foryouhavedonenomurder;butifyoutrytokillaman，andmanifestlyintendtokillhim，butfailutterlytodoit，thelawstillholdsthattheintentionconstitutedthecrime，andyouareguiltyofmurder。Ergo，ifyouhadmarriedEdwithaaccidentally，andwithoutreallyintendingtodoit，youwouldnotactuallybemarriedtoheratall，becausetheactofmarriagecouldnotbecompletewithouttheintention。Andergo，inthestrictspiritofthelaw，sinceyoudeliberatelyintendedtomarryEdwitha，anddidn’tdoit，youaremarriedtoherallthesame——because，asIsaidbefore，theintentionconstitutesthecrime。ItisasclearasdaythatEdwithaisyourwife，andyourredressliesintakingaclubandmutilatingJoneswithitasmuchasyoucan。Anymanhasarighttoprotecthisownwifefromtheadvancesofothermen。Butyouhaveanotheralternative——youweremarriedtoEdwithafirst，becauseofyourdeliberateintention，andnowyoucanprosecuteherforbigamy，insubsequentlymarryingJones。Butthereisanotherphaseinthiscomplicatedcase：，YouintendedtomarryEdwitha，andconsequently，accordingtolaw，sheisyourwife——thereisnogettingaroundthat;butshedidn’tmarryyou，andifsheneverintendedtomarryyou，youarenotherhusband，ofcourse。Ergo，inmarryingJones，shewasguiltyofbigamy，becauseshewasthewifeofanothermanatthetime;whichisallverywellasfarasitgoes——butthen，don’tyousee，shehadnootherhusbandwhenshemarriedJones，andconsequentlyshewasnotguiltyofbigamy。Now，accordingtothisviewofthecase，Jonesmarriedaspinster，whowasawidowatthesametimeandanotherman’swifeatthesametime，andyetwhohadnohusbandandneverhadone，andneverhadanyintentionofgettingmarried，andtherefore，ofcourse，neverhadbeenmarried;andbythesamereasoningyouareabachelor，becauseyouhaveneverbeenanyone’shusband;andamarriedman，becauseyouhaveawifeliving;andtoallintentsandpurposesawidower，becauseyouhavebeendeprivedofthatwife;andaconsummateassforgoingofftoBeniciainthefirstplace，whilethingsweresomixed。AndbythistimeIhavegotmyselfsotangledupintheintricaciesofthisextraordinarycasethatIshallhavetogiveupanyfurtherattempttoadviseyou——Imightgetconfusedandfailtomakemyselfunderstood。IthinkIcouldtakeuptheargumentwhereIleftoff，andbyfollowingitcloselyawhile，perhapsIcouldprovetoyoursatisfaction，eitherthatyouneverexistedatall，orthatyouaredeadnow，andconsequentlydon’tneedthefaithlessEdwitha——IthinkIcoulddothat，ifitwouldaffordyouanycomfort。

“ARTHURAUGUSTUS。”——No;youarewrong;thatistheproperwaytothrowabrickbatoratomahawk;butitdoesn’tanswersowellforabouquet;youwillhurtsomebodyifyoukeepitup。Turnyournosegayupsidedown，takeitbythestems，andtossitwithanupwardsweep。Didyoueverpitchquoits？thatistheidea。Thepracticeofrecklesslyheavingimmensesolidbouquets，ofthegeneralsizeandweightofprizecabbages，fromthedizzyaltitudeofthegalleries，isdangerousandveryreprehensible。Now，nightbeforelast，attheAcademyofMusic，justafterSignorinahadfinishedthatexquisitemelody，“TheLastRoseofSummer，“oneofthesefloralpile-driverscamecleavingdownthroughtheatmosphereofapplause，andifshehadn’tdeployedsuddenlytotheright，itwouldhavedrivenherintothefloorlikeashinglenail。Ofcoursethatbouquetwaswellmeant;buthowwouldyouliketohavebeenthetarget？，Asincerecomplimentisalwaysgratefultoalady，solongasyoudon’ttrytoknockherdownwithit。

“YOUNGMOTHER。”——Andsoyouthinkababyisathingofbeautyandajoyforever？，Well，theideaispleasing，butnotoriginal;everycowthinksthesameofitsowncalf。Perhapsthecowmaynotthinkitsoelegantly，butstillshethinksitnevertheless。Ihonorthecowforit。Weallhonorthistouchingmaternalinstinctwhereverwefindit，beitinthehomeofluxuryorinthehumblecove-shed。Butreally，madam，whenI

cometoexaminethematterinallitsbearings，Ifindthatthecorrectnessofyourassertiondoesnotassertitselfinallcases。

Asoiledbaby，withaneglectednose，cannotbeconscientiouslyregardedasathingofbeauty;andinasmuchasbabyhoodspansbutthreeshortyears，nobabyiscompetenttobeajoy“forever。”，Itpainsmethustodemolishtwo-thirdsofyourprettysentimentinasinglesentence;butthepositionIholdinthischairrequiresthatIshallnotpermityoutodeceiveandmisleadthepublicwithyourplausiblefiguresofspeech。

Iknowafemalebaby，agedeighteenmonths，inthiscity，whichcannotholdoutasa“joy“twenty-fourhoursonastretch，letalone“forever。”

Anditpossessessomeofthemostremarkableeccentricitiesofcharacterandappetitethathaveeverfallenundermynotice。Iwillsetdownhereastatementofthisinfant’soperations(conceived，planned，andearnedoutbyitself，andwithoutsuggestionorassistancefromitsmotheroranyoneelse)，duringasingleday;andwhatIshallsaycanbesubstantiatedbythesworntestimonyofwitnesses。

Itcommencedbyeatingonedozenlargeblue-masspills，boxandall;thenitfelldownaflightofstairs，andarosewithablueandpurpleknotonitsforehead，afterwhichitproceededinquestoffurtherrefreshmentandamusement。Itfoundaglasstrinketornamentedwithbrass-work——smashedupandatetheglass，andthenswallowedthebrass。

Thenitdrankabouttwentydropsoflaudanum，andmorethanadozentablespoonfulsofstrongspiritsofcamphor。Thereasonwhyittooknomorelaudanumwasbecausetherewasnomoretotake。Afterthisitlaydownonitsback，andshovedfiveorsix，inchesofasilver-headedwhalebonecanedownitsthroat;gotitfastthere，anditwasallitsmothercoulddotopullthecaneoutagain，withoutpullingoutsomeofthechildwithit。Then，beinghungryforglassagain，itbrokeupseveralwineglasses，andfelltoeatingandswallowingthefragments，notmindingacutortwo。Thenitateaquantityofbutter，pepper，salt，andCaliforniamatches，actuallytakingaspoonfulofbutter，aspoonfulofsalt，aspoonfulofpepper，andthreeorfourlucifermatchesateachmouthful。(IwillremarkherethatthisthingofbeautylikespaintedGermanlucifers，andeatsallshecangetofthem;butsheprefersCaliforniamatches，whichIregardasacomplimenttoourhomemanufacturesofmorethanordinaryvalue，coming，asitdoes，fromonewhoistooyoungtoflatter。)，Thenshewashedherheadwithsoapandwater，andafterwardatewhatsoapwasleft，anddrankasmuchofthesudsasshehadroomfor;afterwhichshesalliedforthandtookthecowfamiliarlybythetail，andgotkickedheelsoverhead。Atoddtimesduringtheday，whenthisjoyforeverhappenedtohavenothingparticularonhand，sheputinthetimebyclimbinguponplaces，andfallingdownoffthem，uniformlydamagingherselfintheoperation。Asyoungassheis，shespeaksmanywordstolerablydistinctly;andbeingplainspokeninotherrespects，bluntandtothepoint，sheopensconversationwithallstrangers，maleorfemale，withthesameformula，“Howdo，Jim？”

Notbeingfamiliarwiththewaysofchildren，itispossiblethatIhavebeenmagnifyingintomatterofsurprisethingswhichmaynotstrikeanyonewhoisfamiliarwithinfancyasbeingatallastonishing。However，I

cannotbelievethatsuchisthecase，andsoIrepeatthatmyreportofthisbaby’sperformancesisstrictlytrue;andifanyonedoubtsit，Icanproducethechild。Iwillfurtherengagethatshewilldevouranythingthatisgivenher(reservingtomyselfonlytherighttoexcludeanvils)，andfalldownfromanyplacetowhichshemaybeelevated(merelystipulatingthatherpreferenceforalightingonherheadshallberespected，and，therefore，thattheelevationchosenshallbehighenoughtoenablehertoaccomplishthistohersatisfaction)。ButIfindIhavewanderedfrommysubject;so，withoutfurtherargument，Iwillreiteratemyconvictionthatnotallbabiesarethingsofbeautyandjoysforever。

“ARITHMETICUS。”Virginia，Nevada——“Iamanenthusiasticstudentofmathematics，anditissovexatioustometofindmyprogressconstantlyimpededbythesemysteriousarithmeticaltechnicalities。

Nowdotellmewhatthedifferenceisbetweengeometryandconchology？”

Hereyoucomeagainwithyourarithmeticalconundrums，whenIamsufferingdeathwithacoldinthehead。Ifyoucouldhaveseentheexpressionofscornthatdarkenedmycountenanceamomentago，andwasinstantlysplitfromthecenterineverydirectionlikeafracturedlooking-glassbymylastsneeze，youneverwouldhavewrittenthatdisgracefulquestion。Conchologyisasciencewhichhasnothingtodowithmathematics;itrelatesonlytoshells。Atthesametime，however，amanwhoopensoystersforahotel，orshellsafortifiedtown，orsuckseggs，isnot，strictlyspeaking，aconchologist-afinestrokeofsarcasmthat，butitwillbelostonsuchanunintellectualclamasyou。Nowcompareconchologyandgeometrytogether，andyouwillseewhatthedifferenceis，andyourquestionwillbeanswered。Butdon’ttorturemewithanymorearithmeticalhorrorsuntilyouknowIamridofmycold。I

feelthebitterestanimositytowardyouatthismoment-botheringmeinthisway，whenIcandonothingbutsneezeandrageandsnortpocket-

handkerchiefstoatoms。IfIhadyouinrangeofmynosenowIwouldblowyourbrainsout。

TORAISEPOULTRY——

[BeingaletterwrittentoaPoultrySocietythathadconferredacomplimentarymembershipupontheauthor。Writtenabout1870。]

Seriously，fromearlyyouthIhavetakenanespecialinterestinthesubjectofpoultry-raising，andsothismembershiptouchesareadysympathyinmybreast。Evenasaschoolboy，poultry-raisingwasastudywithme，andImaysaywithoutegotismthatasearlyastheageofseventeenIwasacquaintedwithallthebestandspeediestmethodsofraisingchickens，fromraisingthemoffaroostbyburninglucifermatchesundertheirnoses，downtoliftingthemoffafenceonafrostynightbyinsinuatingtheendofawarmboardundertheirheels。BythetimeIwastwentyyearsold，IreallysupposeIhadraisedmorepoultrythananyoneindividualinallthesectionroundaboutthere。Theverychickenscametoknowmytalentbyandby。Theyouthofbothsexesceasedtopawtheearthforworms，andoldroostersthatcametocrow，“remainedtopray，“whenIpassedby。

IhavehadsomuchexperienceintheraisingoffowlsthatIcannotbutthinkthatafewhintsfrommemightbeusefultothesociety。ThetwomethodsIhavealreadytoucheduponareverysimple，andareonlyusedintheraisingofthecommonestclassoffowls;oneisforsummer，theotherforwinter。Intheonecaseyoustartoutwithafriendalongabouteleveno’clock’on-asummer’snight(notlater，becauseinsomestates——

especiallyinCaliforniaandOregon——chickensalwaysrouseupjustatmidnightandcrowfromtentothirtyminutes，accordingtotheeaseordifficultytheyexperienceingettingthepublicwakedup)，andyourfriendcarrieswithhimasack。Arrivedatthehenroost(yourneighbor’s，notyourown)，youlightamatchandholditunderfirstoneandthenanotherpullet’snoseuntiltheyarewillingtogointothatbagwithoutmakinganytroubleaboutit。Youthenreturnhome，eithertakingthebagwithyouorleavingitbehind，accordingascircumstancesshalldictate。N。B——Ihaveseenthetimewhenitwaseligibleandappropriatetoleavethesackbehindandwalkoffwithconsiderablevelocity，withouteverleavinganywordwheretosendit。

Inthecaseoftheothermethodmentionedforraisingpoultry，yourfriendtakesalongacoveredvesselwithacharcoalfireinit，andyoucarryalongslenderplank。Thisisafrostynight，understand。Arrivedatthetree，orfence，orotherhenroost(yourownifyouareanidiot)，youwarmtheendofyourplankinyourfriend’sfirevessel，andthenraiseitaloftandeaseitupgentlyagainstaslumberingchicken’sfoot。

Ifthesubjectofyourattentionsisatruebird，hewillinfalliblyreturnthankswithasleepycluckortwo，andstepoutandtakeupquartersontheplank，thusbecomingsoconspicuouslyaccessorybeforethefacttohisownmurderastomakeitagravequestioninourmindsasitoncewasinthemindofBlackstone，whetherheisnotreallyanddeliberately，committingsuicideintheseconddegree。[Butyouenterintoacontemplationoftheselegalrefinementssubsequentlynotthen。]

Whenyouwishtoraiseafine，large，donkeyvoicedShanghairooster，youdoitwithalasso，justasyouwouldabull。Itisbecausehemustchoked，andchokedeffectually，too。Itistheonlygood，certainway，forwheneverhementionsamatterwhichheiscordiallyinterestedin，thechancesareninety-nineinahundredthathesecuressomebodyelse’simmediateattentiontoittoo，whetheritdayornight。

TheBlackSpanishisanexceedinglyfinebirdandacostlyone。Thirty-

fivedollarsistheusualfigureandfiftyanotuncommonpriceforaspecimen。Evenitseggsareworthfromadollartoadollarandahalfapiece，andyetaresounwholesomethatthecityphysicianseldomorneverordersthemfortheworkhouse。StillIhaveonceortwiceprocuredashighasadozenatatimefornothing，inthedarkofthemoon。ThebestwaytoraisetheBlackSpanishfowlistogolateintheeveningandraisecoopandall。ThereasonIrecommendthismethodisthat，thebirdsbeingsovaluable，theownersdonotpermitthemtoroostaroundpromiscuously，theyputtheminacoopasstrongasafireproofsafeandkeepitinthekitchenatnight。ThemethodIspeakofisnotalwaysabrightandsatisfyingsuccess，andyettherearesomanylittlearticlesofvertuaboutakitchen，thatifyoufailonthecoopyoucangenerallybringawaysomethingelse。Ibroughtawayanicesteeltraponenight，worthninetycents。

Butwhatistheuseinmypouringoutmywholeintellectonthissubject？

IhaveshowntheWesternNewYorkPoultrySocietythattheyhavetakentotheirbosomapartywhoisnotaspringchickenbyanymeans，butamanwhoknowsallaboutpoultry，andisjustashighupinthemostefficientmethodsofraisingitasthepresidentoftheinstitutionhimself。

Ithankthesegentlemenforthehonorarymembershiptheyhaveconferreduponme，andshallstandatalltimesreadyandwillingtotestifymygoodfeelingandmyofficialzealbydeedsaswellasbythishastilypennedadviceandinformation。Whenevertheyarereadytogotoraisingpoultry，letthemcallformeanyeveningaftereleveno’clock，EXPERIENCEOFTHEMcWILLIAMSESWITHMEMBRANOUSCROUP

[AsrelatedtotheauthorofthisbookbyMr。McWilliams，apleasantNewYorkgentlemanwhomthesaidauthormetbychanceonajourney。]

Well，togobacktowhereIwasbeforeIdigressedtoexplaintoyouhowthatfrightfulandincurabledisease，membranouscroup，[DiphtheriaD。W。]

wasravagingthetownanddrivingallmothersmadwithterror，IcalledMrs。McWilliams’sattentiontolittlePenelope，andsaid：

“Darling，Iwouldn’tletthatchildbechewingthatpinestickifIwereyou。”

“Precious，whereistheharminit？”saidshe，butatthesametimepreparingtotakeawaythestickforwomencannotreceiveeventhemostpalpablyjudicioussuggestionwithoutarguingit，thatismarriedwomen。

Ireplied：

“Love，itisnotoriousthatpineistheleastnutritiouswoodthatachildcaneat。”

Mywife’shandpaused，intheactoftakingthestick，andreturneditselftoherlap。Shebridledperceptibly，andsaid：

“Hubby，youknowbetterthanthat。Youknowyoudo。Doctorsallsaythattheturpentineinpinewoodisgoodforweakbackandthekidneys。”

“Ah——Iwasunderamisapprehension。Ididnotknowthatthechild’skidneysandspinewereaffected，andthatthefamilyphysicianhadrecommended——“

“Whosaidthechild’sspineandkidneyswereaffected？”

“Mylove，youintimatedit。”

“Theidea！，Ineverintimatedanythingofthekind。”

“Why，mydear，ithasn’tbeentwominutessinceyousaid——“

“BotherwhatIsaid！，Idon’tcarewhatIdidsay。Thereisn’tanyharminthechild’schewingabitofpinestickifshewantsto，andyouknowitperfectlywell。Andsheshallchewit，too。Sothere，now！”

“Saynomore，mydear。Inowseetheforceofyourreasoning，andIwillgoandordertwoorthreecordsofthebestpinewoodto-day。NochildofmineshallwantwhileI——“

“Oh，pleasegoalongtoyourofficeandletmehavesomepeace。Abodycannevermakethesimplestremarkbutyoumusttakeitupandgotoarguingandarguingandarguingtillyoudon’tknowwhatyouaretalkingabout，andyouneverdo。”

“Verywell，itshallbeasyousay。Butthereisawantoflogicinyourlastremarkwhich——“

However，shewasgonewithaflourishbeforeIcouldfinish，andhadtakenthechildwithher。Thatnightatdinnersheconfrontedmewithafaceawhiteasasheet：

“Oh，Mortimer，there’sanother！，LittleGeorgiGordonistaken。”

“Membranouscroup？”

“Membranouscroup。”

“Isthereanyhopeforhim？”

“Noneinthewideworld。Oh，whatistobecomeofus！”

ByandbyanursebroughtinourPenelopetosaygoodnightandofferthecustomaryprayeratthemother’sknee。Inthemidstof“NowIlaymedowntosleep，“shegaveaslightcough！，Mywifefellbacklikeonestrickenwithdeath。Butthenextmomentshewasupandbrimmingwiththeactivitieswhichterrorinspires。

Shecommandedthatthechild’scribberemovedfromthenurserytoourbedroom;andshewentalongtoseetheorderexecuted。Shetookmewithher，ofcourse。Wegotmattersarrangedwithspeed。Acot-bedwasputupinmywife’sdressingroomforthenurse。ButnowMrs。McWilliamssaidweweretoofarawayfromtheotherbaby，and(whatifheweretohavethesymptomsinthenight——andsheblanchedagain，poorthing。

Wethenrestoredthecribandthenursetothenurseryandputupabedforourselvesinaroomadjoining。

Presently，however，Mrs。McWilliamssaidsupposethebabyshouldcatchitfromPenelope？，Thisthoughtstruckanewpanictoherheart，andthetribeofuscouldnotgetthecriboutofthenurseryagainfastenoughtosatisfymywife，thoughsheassistedinherownpersonandwell-nighpulledthecribtopiecesinherfrantichurry。

Wemoveddown-stairs;buttherewasnoplacetheretostowthenurse，andMrs。McWilliamssaidthenurse’sexperiencewouldbeaninestimablehelp。

Sowereturned，bagandbaggage，toourownbedroomoncemore，andfeltagreatgladness，likestorm-buffetedbirdsthathavefoundtheirnestagain。

Mrs。McWilliamsspedtothenurserytoseehowthingsweregoingonthere。Shewasbackinamomentwithanewdread。Shesaid：

“WhatcanmakeBabysleepso？”

Isaid：

“Why，mydarling，Babyalwayssleepslikeagravenimage。”

“Iknow。Iknow;butthere’ssomethingpeculiarabouthissleepnow。

Heseemsto——to——heseemstobreathesoregularly。Oh，thisisdreadful。”

“But，mydear，healwaysbreathesregularly。”

“Oh，Iknowit，butthere’ssomethingfrightfulaboutitnow。Hisnurseistooyoungandinexperienced。Mariashallstaytherewithher，andbeonhandifanythinghappens。”

“Thatisagoodidea，butwhowillhelpyou？”

“YoucanhelpmeallIwant。Iwouldn’tallowanybodytodoanythingbutmyself，anyhow，atsuchatimeasthis。”

IsaidIwouldfeelmeantolieabedandsleep，andleavehertowatchandtoiloverourlittlepatientallthewearynight。Butshereconciledmetoit。SooldMariadepartedandtookupherancientquartersinthenursery。

Penelopecoughedtwiceinhersleep。

“Oh，whydon’tthatdoctorcome！，Mortimer，thisroomistoowarm。Thisroomiscertainlytoowarm。Turnofftheregister-quick！”

Ishutitoff，glancingatthethermometeratthesametime，andwonderingtomyselfif70wastoowarmforasickchild。

Thecoachmanarrivedfromdown-townnowwiththenewsthatourphysicianwasillandconfinedtohisbed。Mrs。McWilliamsturnedadeadeyeuponme，andsaidinadeadvoice：

“ThereisaProvidenceinit。Itisforeordained。Heneverwassickbefore。Never。Wehavenotbeenlivingasweoughttolive，Mortimer。

TimeandtimeagainIhavetoldyouso。Nowyouseetheresult。Ourchildwillnevergetwell。Bethankfulifyoucanforgiveyourself;I

nevercanforgivemyself。”

Isaid，withoutintenttohurt，butwithheedlesschoiceofwords，thatI

couldnotseethatwehadbeenlivingsuchanabandonedlife。

“Mortimer！，DoyouwanttobringthejudgmentuponBaby，too！”

Thenshebegantocry，butsuddenlyexclaimed：

“Thedoctormusthavesentmedicines！”

Isaid：

“Certainly。Theyarehere。Iwasonlywaitingforyoutogivemeachance。”

“Welldogivethemtome！，Don’tyouknowthateverymomentispreciousnow？，Butwhatwastheuseinsendingmedicines，whenheknowsthatthediseaseisincurable？”

Isaidthatwhiletherewaslifetherewashope。