第2章

"What’sonyourmind，Mr。Chops？"

"Theydon’tusemewell。Theyan’tgratefultome。Theyputsmeonthemantel—piecewhenIwon’thaveinmoreChampagne—wine，andtheylocksmeinthesideboardwhenIwon’tgiveupmyproperty。"

"Getridof’em，Mr。Chops。"

"Ican’t。We’reinSocietytogether，andwhatwouldSocietysay？"

"ComeoutofSociety！"saysI。

"Ican’t。Youdon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout。WhenyouhaveoncegoneintoSociety，youmustn’tcomeoutofit。"

"Thenifyou’llexcusethefreedom，Mr。Chops，"weremyremark，shakingmyheadgrave，"Ithinkit’sapityyoueverwentin。"

Mr。ChopsshookthatdeepEdofhis，toasurprisinextent，andslappedithalfadozentimeswithhishand，andwithmoreWicethanIthoughtwereinhim。Then，hesays，"You’reagoodfellow，butyoudon’tunderstand。Good—night，goalong。Magsman，thelittlemanwillnowwalkthreetimesroundtheCairawan，andretirebehindthecurtain。"ThelastIseeofhimonthatoccasionwashistryin，ontheextremestwergeofinsensibility，toclimbupthestairs，onebyone，withhishandsandknees。They’dhavebeenmuchtoosteepforhim，ifhehadbeensober;buthewouldn’tbehelped。

Itwarn’tlongafterthat，thatIreadinthenewspaperofMr。

Chops’sbeingpresentedatcourt。Itwasprinted，"Itwillberecollected"——andI’venoticedinmylife，thatitissuretobeprintedthatitWILLberecollected，wheneveritwon’t——"thatMr。

Chopsistheindividualofsmallstature，whosebrilliantsuccessinthelastStateLotteryattractedsomuchattention。"Well，Isaystomyself，SuchisLife！Hehasbeenanddoneitinearnestatlast。HehasastonishedGeorgetheFourth！

（Onaccountofwhich，Ihadthatcanvassnew—painted，himwithabagofmoneyinhishand，apresentinittoGeorgetheFourth，andaladyinOstrichFeathersfallininlovewithhiminabag—wig，sword，andbucklescorrect。）

ItooktheHouseasisthesubjectofpresentinquiries——thoughnotthehonourofbeinacquainted——andIrunMagsman’sAmusementsinitthirteenmonths——sometimesonething，sometimesanother，sometimesnothinparticular，butalwaysallthecanvassesoutside。Onenight，whenwehadplayedthelastcompanyout，whichwasashycompany，throughitsrainingHeavenshard，Iwastakinapipeintheonepairbackalongwiththeyoungmanwiththetoes，whichIhadtakenonforamonth（thoughheneverdrawed——exceptonpaper），andIheardakickinatthestreetdoor。"Halloa！"Isaystotheyoungman，"what’sup！"Herubshiseyebrowswithhistoes，andhesays，"I

can’timagine，Mr。Magsman"——whichhenevercouldimaginenothin，andwasmonotonouscompany。

Thenoisenotleavinoff，Ilaiddownmypipe，andItookupacandle，andIwentdownandopenedthedoor。Ilookedoutintothestreet;butnothincouldIsee，andnothinwasIawareof，untilI

turnedroundquick，becausesomecreeturrunbetweenmylegsintothepassage。TherewasMr。Chops！

"Magsman，"hesays，"takeme，ontheoldterms，andyou’vegotme;

ifit’sdone，saydone！"

Iwasallofamaze，butIsaid，"Done，sir。"

"Donetoyourdone，anddoubledone！"sayshe。"Haveyougotabitofsupperinthehouse？"

Bearininmindthemsparklinwarietiesofforeigndrainsaswe’dguzzledawayatinPallMall，Iwasashamedtoofferhimcoldsassagesandgin—and—water;buthetook’embothandtook’emfree;

havinachairforhistable，andsittindownatitonastool，likeholdtimes。I，allofamazeallthewhile。

Itwasarterhehadmadeacleansweepofthesassages（beef，andtothebestofmycalculationstwopoundandaquarter），thatthewisdomaswasinthatlittlemanbegantocomeoutofhimlikeprespiration。

"Magsman，"hesays，"lookuponme！Youseeaforeyou，OneashasbothgoneintoSocietyandcomeout。"

"O！YouAREoutofit，Mr。Chops？Howdidyougetout，sir？"

"SOLDOUT！"sayshe。YouneversawthelikeofthewisdomashisEdexpressed，whenhemadeuseofthemtwowords。

"MyfriendMagsman，I’llimparttoyouadiscoveryI’vemade。It’swallable;it’scosttwelvethousandfivehundredpound;itmaydoyougoodinlife——Thesecretofthismatteris，thatitain’tsomuchthatapersongoesintoSociety，asthatSocietygoesintoaperson。"

Notexactlykeepinupwithhismeanin，Ishookmyhead，putonadeeplook，andsaid，"You’rerightthere，Mr。Chops。"

"Magsman，"hesays，twitchinmebytheleg，"Societyhasgoneintome，tothetuneofeverypennyofmyproperty。"

IfeltthatIwentpale，andthoughnat’rallyaboldspeaker，I

couldn’thardlysay，"Where’sNormandy？"

"Bolted。Withtheplate，"saidMr。Chops。

"Andt’otherone？"meaninghimasformerlyworethebishop’smitre。

"Bolted。Withthejewels，"saidMr。Chops。

Isatdownandlookedathim，andhestoodupandlookedatme。

"Magsman，"hesays，andheseemedtomyselftogetwiserashegothoarser;"Society，takeninthelump，isalldwarfs。AtthecourtofSt。James’s，theywasalladoingmyoldbusiness——allagointhreetimesroundtheCairawan，intheholdcourt—suitsandproperties。Elsewheres，theywasmostof’emringintheirlittlebellsoutofmake—believes。Everywheres，thesarserwasagoinround。Magsman，thesarseristheuniwersalInstitution！"

Iperceived，youunderstand，thathewassouredbyhismisfortunes，andIfeltforMr。Chops。

"AstoFatLadies，"hesays，givinghisheadatremendiousoneaginthewall，"there’slotsofTHEMinSociety，andworsethantheoriginal。HERSwasaoutrageuponTaste——simplyaoutrageuponTaste——awakenincontempt——carryinitsownpunishmentintheformofaIndian。"Herehegivhimselfanothertremendiousone。"ButTHEIRS，Magsman，THEIRSismercenaryoutrages。LayinCashmeershawls，buybracelets，strew’emandalotof’andsomefansandthingsaboutyourrooms，letitbeknownthatyougiveawaylikewatertoallascometoadmire，andtheFatLadiesthatdon’texhibitforsomuchdownuponthedrum，willcomefromallthepintsofthecompasstoflockaboutyou，whateveryouare。They’lldrillholesinyour’art，Magsman，likeaCullender。Andwhenyou’venomorelefttogive，they’lllaughatyoutoyourface，andleaveyoutohaveyourbonespickeddrybyWulturs，likethedeadWildAssofthePrairiesthatyoudeservetobe！"Herehegivhimselfthemosttremendiousoneofall，anddropped。

Ithoughthewasgone。HisEdwassoheavy，andheknockeditsohard，andhefellsostoney，andthesassagerialdisturbanceinhimmusthavebeensoimmense，thatIthoughthewasgone。But，hesooncomeroundwithcare，andhesatuponthefloor，andhesaidtome，withwisdomcominoutofhiseyes，ifeveritcome:

"Magsman！Themostmaterialdifferencebetweenthetwostatesofexistencethroughwhichyourunhappyfriendhaspassed;"hereachedouthispoorlittlehand，andhistearsdroppeddownonthemoustachiowhichitwasacredittohimtohavedonehisbesttogrow，butitisnotinmortalstocommandsuccess，——"thedifferencethis。WhenIwasoutofSociety，Iwaspaidlightforbeingseen。

WhenIwentintoSociety，Ipaidheavyforbeingseen。Iprefertheformer，evenifIwasn’tforceduponit。Givemeoutthroughthetrumpet，intheholdway，to—morrow。"

Arterthat，heslidintothelineagainaseasyasifhehadbeeniledallover。Buttheorganwaskepfromhim，andnoallusionswasevermade，whenacompanywasin，tohisproperty。Hegotwisereveryday;hisviewsofSocietyandthePublicwasluminous，bewilderin，awful;andhisEdgotbiggerandbiggerashisWisdomexpandedit。

Hetookwell，andpulled’eminmostexcellentfornineweeks。Attheexpirationofthatperiod，whenhisEdwasasight，heexpressedoneevenin，thelastCompanyhavinbeenturnedout，andthedoorshut，awishtohavealittlemusic。

"Mr。Chops，"Isaid（Ineverdroppedthe"Mr。"withhim;theworldmightdoit，butnotme）;"Mr。Chops，areyousureasyouareinastateofmindandbodytositupontheorgan？"

Hisanswerwasthis:"Toby，whennextmetwithonthetramp，I

forgiveherandtheIndian。AndIam。"

ItwaswithfearandtremblingthatIbegantoturnthehandle;buthesatlikealamb。Iwillbemybelieftomydyingday，thatIseehisEdexpandashesat;youmaythereforejudgehowgreathisthoughtswas。Hesatoutallthechanges，andthenhecomeoff。

"Toby，"hesays，withaquietsmile，"thelittlemanwillnowwalkthreetimesroundtheCairawan，andretirebehindthecurtain。"

Whenwecalledhiminthemorning，wefoundhimgoneintoamuchbetterSocietythanmineorPallMall’s。IgivMr。Chopsascomfortableafuneralaslayinmypower，followedmyselfasChief，andhadtheGeorgetheFourthcanvasscarriedfirst，intheformofabanner。But，theHousewassodismalarterwards，thatIgivitup，andtooktotheWanagain。

"Idon’ttriumph，"saidJarber，foldingupthesecondmanuscript，andlookinghardatTrottle。"Idon’ttriumphoverthisworthycreature。Imerelyaskhimifheissatisfiednow？"

"Howcanhebeanythingelse？"Isaid，answeringforTrottle，whosatobstinatelysilent。"Thistime，Jarber，youhavenotonlyreadusadelightfullyamusingstory，butyouhavealsoansweredthequestionabouttheHouse。Ofcourseitstandsemptynow。Whowouldthinkoftakingitafterithadbeenturnedintoacaravan？"I

lookedatTrottle，asIsaidthoselastwords，andJarberwavedhishandindulgentlyinthesamedirection。

"Letthisexcellentpersonspeak，"saidJarber。"Youwereabouttosay，mygoodman？"—

"Ionlywishedtoask，sir，"saidTrottledoggedly，"ifyoucouldkindlyobligemewithadateortwoinconnectionwiththatlaststory？"

"Adate！"repeatedJarber。"Whatdoesthemanwantwithdates！"

"Ishouldbegladtoknow，withgreatrespect，"persistedTrottle，"ifthepersonnamedMagsmanwasthelasttenantwholivedintheHouse。It’smyopinion——ifImaybeexcusedforgivingit——thathemostdecidedlywasnot。"

Withthosewords，Trottlemadealowbow，andquietlylefttheroom。

ThereisnodenyingthatJarber，whenwewerelefttogether，lookedsadlydiscomposed。Hehadevidentlyforgottentoinquireaboutdates;and，inspiteofhismagnificenttalkabouthisseriesofdiscoveries，itwasquiteasplainthatthetwostorieshehadjustread，hadreallyandtrulyexhaustedhispresentstock。Ithoughtmyselfbound，incommongratitude，tohelphimoutofhisembarrassmentbyatimelysuggestion。SoIproposedthatheshouldcometoteaagain，onthenextMondayevening，thethirteenth，andshouldmakesuchinquiriesinthemeantime，asmightenablehimtodisposetriumphantlyofTrottle’sobjection。

Hegallantlykissedmyhand，madeaneatlittlespeechofacknowledgment，andtookhisleave。FortherestoftheweekI

wouldnotencourageTrottlebyallowinghimtorefertotheHouseatall。Isuspectedhewasmakinghisowninquiriesaboutdates，butI

putnoquestionstohim。

OnMondayevening，thethirteenth，thatdearunfortunateJarbercame，punctualtotheappointedtime。Helookedsoterriblyharassed，thathewasreallyquiteaspectacleoffeeblenessandfatigue。Isaw，ataglance，thatthequestionofdateshadgoneagainsthim，thatMr。MagsmanhadnotbeenthelasttenantoftheHouse，andthatthereasonofitsemptinesswasstilltoseek。

"WhatIhavegonethrough，"saidJarber，"wordsarenoteloquentenoughtotell。OSophonisba，Ihavebegunanotherseriesofdiscoveries！Acceptthelasttwoasstorieslaidonyourshrine;

andwaittoblamemeforleavingyourcuriosityunappeased，untilyouhaveheardNumberThree。"

NumberThreelookedlikeaveryshortmanuscript，andIsaidasmuch。Jarberexplainedtomethatweweretohavesomepoetrythistime。InthecourseofhisinvestigationshehadsteppedintotheCirculatingLibrary，toseekforinformationontheoneimportantsubject。AlltheLibrary—peopleknewabouttheHousewas，thatafemalerelativeofthelasttenant，astheybelieved，had，justafterthattenantleft，sentalittlemanuscriptpoemtothemwhichshedescribedasreferringtoeventsthathadactuallypassedintheHouse;andwhichshewantedtheproprietoroftheLibrarytopublish。Shehadwrittennoaddressonherletter;andtheproprietorhadkeptthemanuscriptreadytobegivenbacktoher（thepublishingofpoemsnotbeinginhisline）whenshemightcallforit。Shehadnevercalledforit;andthepoemhadbeenlenttoJarber，athisexpressrequest，toreadtome。

Beforehebegan，IrangthebellforTrottle;beingdeterminedtohavehimpresentatthenewreading，asawholesomecheckonhisobstinacy。TomysurprisePeggyansweredthebell，andtoldme，thatTrottlehadsteppedoutwithoutsayingwhere。Iinstantlyfeltthestrongestpossibleconvictionthathewasathisoldtricks:

andthathissteppingoutintheevening，withoutleave，meant——

Philandering。

Controllingmyselfonmyvisitor’saccount，IdismissedPeggy，stifledmyindignation，andprepared，aspolitelyasmightbe，tolistentoJarber。