第1章

Atoneperiodofitsreverses，theHousefellintotheoccupationofaShowman。Hewasfoundregisteredasitsoccupier，ontheparishbooksofthetimewhenherentedtheHouse，andtherewasthereforenoneedofanycluetohisname。But，hehimselfwaslesseasytobefound;for，hehadledawanderinglife，andsettledpeoplehadlostsightofhim，andpeoplewhoplumedthemselvesonbeingrespectablewereshyofadmittingthattheyhadeverknownanythingofhim。Atlast，amongthemarshlandsneartheriver’slevel，thatlieaboutDeptfordandtheneighbouringmarket—gardens，aGrizzledPersonageinvelveteen，withafacesocutupbyvarietiesofweatherthathelookedasifhehadbeentattooed，wasfoundsmokingapipeatthedoorofawoodenhouseonwheels。Thewoodenhousewaslaidupinordinaryforthewinter，nearthemouthofamuddycreek;andeverythingnearit，thefoggyriver，themistymarshes，andthesteamingmarket—gardens，smokedincompanywiththegrizzledman。Inthemidstofthissmokingparty，thefunnel—chimneyofthewoodenhouseonwheelswasnotremiss，buttookitspipewiththerestinacompanionablemanner。

OnbeingaskedifitwerehewhohadoncerentedtheHousetoLet，GrizzledVelveteenlookedsurprised，andsaidyes。ThenhisnamewasMagsman？Thatwasit，TobyMagsman——whichlawfullychristenedRobert;butcalledintheline，fromainfant，Toby。TherewasnothingaginTobyMagsman，hebelieved？Iftherewassuspicionofsuch——mentionit！

Therewasnosuspicionofsuch，hemightrestassured。But，someinquiriesweremakingaboutthatHouse，andwouldheobjecttosaywhyheleftit？

Notatall;whyshouldhe？Heleftit，alongofaDwarf。

AlongofaDwarf？

Mr。Magsmanrepeated，deliberatelyandemphatically，AlongofaDwarf。

MightitbecompatiblewithMr。Magsman’sinclinationandconveniencetoenter，asafavour，intoafewparticulars？

Mr。Magsmanenteredintothefollowingparticulars。

Itwasalongtimeago，tobeginwith;——aforelotteriesandadealmorewasdoneawaywith。Mr。Magsmanwaslookingaboutforagoodpitch，andheseethathouse，andhesaystohimself，"I’llhaveyou，ifyou’retobehad。Ifmoney’llgetyou，I’llhaveyou。"

Theneighbourscutuprough，andmadecomplaints;butMr。Magsmandon’tknowwhattheyWOULDhavehad。Itwasalovelything。Firstofall，therewasthecanvass，representinthepicteroftheGiant，inSpanishtrunksandaruff，whowashimselfhalftheheighthofthehouse，andwasrunupwithalineandpulleytoapoleontheroof，sothathisEdwascoevalwiththeparapet。Then，therewasthecanvass，representinthepicteroftheAlbinalady，showingherwhiteairtotheArmyandNavyincorrectuniform。Then，therewasthecanvass，representinthepicteroftheWildIndianascalpinamemberofsomeforeignnation。Then，therewasthecanvass，representinthepicterofachildofaBritishPlanter，seizedbytwoBoaConstrictors——notthatWEneverhadnochild，nornoConstrictorsneither。Similarly，therewasthecanvass，representinthepicteroftheWildAssofthePrairies——notthatWEneverhadnowildasses，norwouldn’thavehad’ematagift。Last，therewasthecanvass，representinthepicteroftheDwarf，andlikehimtoo（considerin），withGeorgetheFourthinsuchastateofastonishmentathimasHisMajestycouldn’twithhisutmostpolitenessandstoutnessexpress。ThefrontoftheHousewassocoveredwithcanvasses，thattherewasn’tasparkofdaylightevervisibleonthatside。"MAGSMAN’SAMUSEMENTS，"fifteenfootlongbytwofoothigh，ranoverthefrontdoorandparlourwinders。ThepassagewasaArbourofgreenbaizeandgardenstuff。Abarrel—organperformedthereunceasing。Andastorespectability，——ifthreepenceain’trespectable，whatis？

But，theDwarfistheprincipalarticleatpresent，andhewasworththemoney。HewaswroteupasMAJORTPSCHOFFKI，OFTHEIMPERIAL

BULGRADERIANBRIGADE。Nobodycouldn’tpronouncethename，anditneverwasintendedanybodyshould。Thepublicalwaysturnedit，asaregularrule，intoChopski。InthelinehewascalledChops;

partlyonthataccount，andpartlybecausehisrealname，ifheeverhadanyrealname（whichwasverydubious），wasStakes。

Hewasaun—commonsmallman，hereallywas。Certainlynotsosmallashewasmadeouttobe，butwhereISyourDwarfasis？Hewasamostuncommonsmallman，withamostuncommonlargeEd;andwhathehadinsidethatEd，nobodyeverknowedbuthimself:evensupposinhimselftohaveevertookstockofit，whichitwouldhavebeenastiffjobforevenhimtodo。

Thekindestlittlemanasnevergrowed！Spirited，butnotproud。

WhenhetravelledwiththeSpottedBaby——thoughheknowedhimselftobeanat’ralDwarf，andknowedtheBaby’sspotstobeputuponhimartificial，henursedthatBabylikeamother。Youneverheerdhimgiveaill—nametoaGiant。HeDIDallowhimselftobreakoutintostronglanguagerespectintheFatLadyfromNorfolk;butthatwasanaffairofthe’art;andwhenaman’s’arthasbeentrifledwithbyalady，andthepreferencegivtoaIndian，heain’tmasterofhisactions。

Hewasalwaysinlove，ofcourse;everyhumannat’ralphenomenonis。

Andhewasalwaysinlovewithalargewoman;IneverknowedtheDwarfascouldbegottoloveasmallone。Whichhelpstokeep’emtheCuriositiestheyare。

Onesing’lerideahehadinthatEdofhis，whichmusthavemeantsomething，oritwouldn’thavebeenthere。Itwasalwayshisopinionthathewasentitledtoproperty。Heneverwouldputhisnametoanything。Hehadbeentaughttowrite，bytheyoungmanwithoutarms，whogothislivingwithhistoes（quiteawritingmasterHEwas，andtaughtscoresintheline），butChopswouldhavestarvedtodeath，aforehe’dhavegainedabitofbreadbyputtinghishandtoapaper。Thisisthemorecurioustobearinmind，becauseHEhadnoproperty，norhopeofproperty，excepthishouseandasarser。WhenIsayhishouse，Imeanthebox，paintedandgotupoutsidelikeareg’larsix—roomer，thatheusedtocreepinto，withadiamondring（orquiteasgoodtolookat）onhisforefinger，andringalittlebelloutofwhatthePublicbelievedtobetheDrawing—roomwinder。AndwhenIsayasarser，ImeanaChaneysarserinwhichhemadeacollectionforhimselfattheendofeveryEntertainment。Hiscueforthat，hetookfromme:"Ladiesandgentlemen，thelittlemanwillnowwalkthreetimesroundtheCairawan，andretirebehindthecurtain。"Whenhesaidanythingimportant，inprivatelife，hemostlywounditupwiththisformofwords，andtheywasgenerallythelastthinghesaidtomeatnightaforehewenttobed。

HehadwhatIconsiderafinemind——apoeticmind。Hisideasrespectinhispropertynevercomeuponhimsostrongaswhenhesatuponabarrel—organandhadthehandleturned。Arterthewibrationhadrunthroughhimalittletime，hewouldscreechout，"Toby，I

feelmypropertycoming——grindaway！I’mcountingmyguineasbythousands，Toby——grindaway！Toby，Ishallbeamanoffortun！I

feeltheMintajinglinginme，Toby，andI’mswellingoutintotheBankofEngland！"Suchistheinfluenceofmusiconapoeticmind。

Notthathewaspartialtoanyothermusicbutabarrel—organ;onthecontrary，hatedit。

HehadakindofaeverlastinggrudgeaginthePublic:whichisathingyoumaynoticeinmanyphenomenonsthatgettheirlivingoutofit。Whatriledhimmostinthenaterofhisoccupationwas，thatitkephimoutofSociety。Hewascontiniwallysaying，"Toby，myambitionis，togointoSociety。ThecurseofmypositiontowardsthePublicis，thatitkeepsmehoutofSociety。Thisdon’tsignifytoalowbeastofaIndian;hean’tformedforSociety。Thisdon’tsignifytoaSpottedBaby;HEan’tformedforSociety。——Iam。"

NobodynevercouldmakeoutwhatChopsdonewithhismoney。Hehadagoodsalary，downonthedrumeverySaturdayasthedaycameround，besideshavingtherunofhisteeth——andhewasaWoodpeckertoeat——butallDwarfsare。Thesarserwasalittleincome，bringinghiminsomanyhalfpencethathe’dcarry’emforaweektogether，tiedupinapocket—handkercher。Andyetheneverhadmoney。Anditcouldn’tbetheFatLadyfromNorfolk，aswasoncesupposed;becauseitstandstoreasonthatwhenyouhaveaanimositytowardsaIndian，whichmakesyougrindyourteethathimtohisface，andwhichcanhardlyholdyoufromGoosinghimaudiblewhenhe’sgoingthroughhisWar—Dance——itstandstoreasonyouwouldn’tunderthemcircumstancesdepriveyourself，tosupportthatIndianinthelapofluxury。

Mostunexpected，themysterycomeoutonedayatEghamRaces。ThePublicwasshyofbeinpulledin，andChopswasringinhislittlebelloutofhisdrawing—roomwinder，andwassnarlintomeoverhisshoulderashekneeleddownwithhislegsoutattheback—door——forhecouldn’tbeshovedintohishousewithoutkneelingdown，andthepremiseswouldn’taccommodatehislegs——wassnarlin，"Here’sapreciousPublicforyou;whytheDevildon’ttheytumbleup？"whenamaninthecrowdholdsupacarrier—pigeon，andcriesout，"Ifthere’sanypersonhereashasgotaticket，theLottery’sjustdrawed，andthenumberashascomeupforthegreatprizeisthree，seven，forty—two！Three，seven，forty—two！"IwasgivinthemantotheFuriesmyself，forcallingoffthePublic’sattention——forthePublicwillturnaway，atanytime，tolookatanythinginpreferencetothethingshowed’em;andifyoudoubtit，get’emtogetherforanyindiwidualpurposeonthefaceoftheearth，andsendonlytwopeopleinlate，andseeifthewholecompanyan’tfarmoreinterestedintakinparticularnoticeofthemtwothanofyou——

Isay，Iwasn’tbestpleasedwiththemanforcallinout，andwasn’tblessinhiminmyownmind，whenIseeChops’slittlebellflyoutofwinderataoldlady，andhegetsupandkickshisboxover，exposinthewholesecret，andhecatchesholdofthecalvesofmylegsandhesaystome，"Carrymeintothewan，Toby，andthrowapailofwaterovermeorI’madeadman，forI’vecomeintomyproperty！"

Twelvethousandoddhundredpound，wasChops’swinnins。Hehadboughtahalf—ticketforthetwenty—fivethousandprize，andithadcomeup。Thefirstusehemadeofhisproperty，was，tooffertofighttheWildIndianforfivehundredpoundaside，himwithapoisoneddarnin—needleandtheIndianwithaclub;buttheIndianbeinginwantofbackerstothatamount，itwentnofurther。

Arterhehadbeenmadforaweek——inastateofmind，inshort，inwhich，ifIhadlethimsitontheorganforonlytwominutes，I

believehewouldhavebust——butwekeptheorganfromhim——Mr。Chopscomeround，andbehavedliberalandbeautifultoall。Hethensentforayoungmanheknowed，ashadawerygenteelappearanceandwasaBonnetatagaming—booth（mostrespectablebroughtup，fatherhavinbeenimminentintheliverystablelinebutunfort’nateinacommercialcrisis，throughpaintinaoldgray，ginger—bay，andsellinhimwithaPedigree），andMr。ChopssaidtothisBonnet，whosaidhisnamewasNormandy，whichitwasn’t:

"Normandy，I’magoinintoSociety。Willyougowithme？"

SaysNormandy:"DoIunderstandyou，Mr。Chops，tohintimatethatthe’oleoftheexpensesofthatmovewillbebornebyyourself？"

"Correct，"saysMr。Chops。"AndyoushallhaveaPrincelyallowancetoo。"

TheBonnetliftedMr。Chopsuponachair，toshakehandswithhim，andrepliedinpoetry，withhiseyesseeminglyfulloftears:

"Myboatisontheshore，Andmybarkisonthesea，AndIdonotaskformore，ButI’llGo:—alongwiththee。"

TheywentintoSociety，inachayandfourgrayswithsilkjackets。

TheytooklodgingsinPallMall，London，andtheyblazedaway。

InconsequenceofanotethatwasbroughttoBartlemyFairintheautumnofnextyearbyaservant，mostwonderfulgotupinmilk—

whitecordsandtops，IcleanedmyselfandwenttoPallMall，oneeveningappinted。Thegentlemenwasattheirwinearterdinner，andMr。Chops’seyeswasmorefixedinthatEdofhisthanIthoughtgoodforhim。Therewasthreeof’em（incompany，Imean），andI

knowedthethirdwell。Whenlastmet，hehadonawhiteRomanshirt，andabishop’smitrecoveredwithleopard—skin，andplayedtheclarionetallwrong，inabandataWildBeastShow。

Thisgenttookonnottoknowme，andMr。Chopssaid:"Gentlemen，thisisaoldfriendofformerdays:"andNormandylookedatmethroughaeye—glass，andsaid，"Magsman，gladtoseeyou！"——whichI’lltakemyoathhewasn’t。Mr。Chops，togithimconvenienttothetable，hadhischaironathrone（muchoftheformofGeorgetheFourth’sinthecanvass），buthehardlyappearedtometobeKingthereinanyotherpintofview，forhistwogentlemenorderedaboutlikeEmperors。TheywasalldressedlikeMay—Day——gorgeous！——AndastoWine，theyswaminallsorts。

Imadetheroundofthebottles，firstseparate（tosayIhaddoneit），andthenmixed’emalltogether（tosayIhaddoneit），andthentriedtwoof’emashalf—and—half，andthent’othertwo。

Altogether，Ipassedapleasinevenin，butwithatendencytofeelmuddled，untilIconsidereditgoodmannerstogetupandsay，"Mr。

Chops，thebestoffriendsmustpart，Ithankyouforthewarietyofforeigndrainsyouhavestoodso’ansome，Ilookstowardsyouinredwine，andItakesmyleave。"Mr。Chopsreplied，"Ifyou’lljusthitchmeoutofthisoveryourrightarm，Magsman，andcarrymedown—stairs，I’llseeyouout。"IsaidIcouldn’tthinkofsuchathing，buthewouldhaveit，soIliftedhimoffhisthrone。HesmeltstrongofMaideary，andIcouldn’thelpthinkingasIcarriedhimdownthatitwaslikecarryingalargebottlefullofwine，witharaytheruglystopper，agooddealoutofproportion。

WhenIsethimonthedoor—matinthehall，hekepmeclosetohimbyholdingontomycoat—collar，andhewhispers:

"Iain’t’appy，Magsman。"