下载辰思小说免费APP
Ihurrieddownthehill:mypilgrimagewasbegun！InwhatdirectiontoturnmystepsIknewnot,butImustgoandgotillIfoundmylivingdead！Atorrentranswiftandwideatthefootoftherange:
Irushedin,itlaidnoholduponme;Iwadedthroughit。ThenextIsprangacross;thethirdIswam;thenextIwadedagain。
Istoppedtogazeonthewondrouslovelinessoftheceaselessflashandflow,andtohearkentothemultitudinousbrokenmusic。Everynowandthensomeincipientairwouldseemabouttodrawitselfclearofthedulcetconfusion,onlytomergeagainintheconsortedroar。
Atmomentstheworldofwaterswouldinvadeasiftooverwhelmme——notwiththeforceofitsseawardrush,ortheshoutingofitsliberatedthrong,butwiththegreatnessofthesilencewanderingintosound。
AsIstoodlostindelight,ahandwaslaidonmyshoulder。I
turned,andsawamanintheprimeofstrength,beautifulasiffreshfromtheheartofthegladcreator,younglikehimwhocannotgrowold。Ilooked:itwasAdam。Hestoodlargeandgrand,clothedinawhiterobe,withthemooninhishair。
"Father,"Icried,"whereisshe？Wherearethedead？Isthegreatresurrectioncomeandgone？Theterrorofmylonelinesswasuponme;
Icouldnotsleepwithoutmydead;Iranfromthedesolatechamber。
——WhithershallIgotofindthem？"
"Youmistake,myson,"heanswered,inavoicewhoseverybreathwasconsolation。"Youarestillinthechamberofdeath,stilluponyourcouch,asleepanddreaming,withthedeadaroundyou。"
"Alas！whenIbutdreamhowamItoknowit？Thedreambestdreamedisthelikesttothewakingtruth！"
"Whenyouarequitedead,youwilldreamnofalsedream。Thesoulthatistruecangeneratenothingthatisnottrue,neithercanthefalseenterit。"
"But,sir,"Ifaltered,"howamItodistinguishbetwixtthetrueandthefalsewherebothalikeseemreal？"
"Doyounotunderstand？"hereturned,withasmilethatmighthaveslainallthesorrowsofallhischildren。"YouCANNOTperfectlydistinguishbetweenthetrueandthefalsewhileyouarenotyetquitedead;neitherindeedwillyouwhenyouarequitedead——thatis,quitealive,forthenthefalsewillneverpresentitself。Atthismoment,believeme,youareonyourbedinthehouseofdeath。"
"Iamtryinghardtobelieveyou,father。Idoindeedbelieveyou,althoughIcanneitherseenorfeelthetruthofwhatyousay。"
"Youarenottoblamethatyoucannot。Andbecauseeveninadreamyoubelieveme,Iwillhelpyou。——Putforthyourlefthandopen,andcloseitgently:itwillclaspthehandofyourLona,wholiesasleepwhereyouliedreamingyouareawake。"
Iputforthmyhand:itclosedonthehandofLona,firmandsoftanddeathless。
"But,father,"Icried,"sheiswarm！"
"Yourhandisaswarmtohers。Coldisathingunknowninourcountry。Neithershenoryouareyetinthefieldsofhome,buteachtoeachisaliveandwarmandhealthful。"
Thenmyheartwasglad。Butimmediatelysupervenedasharp—stingingdoubt。
"Father,"Isaid,"forgiveme,buthowamItoknowsurelythatthisalsoisnotapartofthelovelydreaminwhichIamnowwalkingwiththyself？"
"Thoudoubtestbecausethoulovestthetruth。Somewouldwillinglybelievelifebutaphantasm,ifonlyitmightforeveraffordthemaworldofpleasantdreams:thouartnotofsuch！Becontentforawhilenottoknowsurely。Thehourwillcome,andthaterelong,when,beingtrue,thoushaltbeholdtheverytruth,anddoubtwillbeforeverdead。Scarce,then,wiltthoubeabletorecallthefeaturesofthephantom。Thouwiltthenknowthatwhichthoucanstnotnowdream。ThouhastnotyetlookedtheTruthintheface,hastasyetatbestbutseenhimthroughacloud。Thatwhichthouseestnot,andneverdidstseesaveinaglassdarkly——thatwhich,indeed,nevercanbeknownsavebyitsinnatesplendourshiningstraightintopureeyes——thatthoucanstnotbutdoubt,andartblamelessindoubtinguntilthouseestitfacetoface,whenthouwiltnolongerbeabletodoubtit。Buttohimwhohasonceseenevenashadowonlyofthetruth,and,evenbuthopinghehasseenitwhenitispresentnolonger,triestoobeyit——tohimtherealvision,theTruthhimself,willcome,anddepartnomore,butabidewithhimforever。"
"IthinkIsee,father,"Isaid;"IthinkIunderstand。"
"Thenremember,andrecall。Trialsyetawaitthee,heavy,ofanaturethouknowestnotnow。Rememberthethingsthouhastseen。
Trulythouknowestnotthosethings,butthouknowestwhattheyhaveseemed,whattheyhavemeanttothee！Rememberalsothethingsthoushaltyetsee。Truthisallinall;andthetruthofthingslies,atoncehidandrevealed,intheirseeming。"
"Howcanthatbe,father？"Isaid,andraisedmyeyeswiththequestion;forIhadbeenlisteningwithdownbenthead,awareofnothingbutthevoiceofAdam。
Hewasgone;inmyearswasnoughtbutthesoundingsilenceoftheswift—flowingwaters。Istretchedforthmyhandstofindhim,butnoansweringtouchmettheirseeking。Iwasalone——aloneinthelandofdreams！TomyselfIseemedwideawake,butIbelievedIwasinadream,becausehehadtoldmeso。
Eveninadream,however,thedreamermustdosomething！hecannotsitdownandrefusetostiruntilthedreamgrowwearyofhimanddepart:Itookupmywandering,andwenton。
ManychannelsIcrossed,andcametoawiderspaceofrock;there,dreamingIwasweary,Ilaidmyselfdown,andlongedtobeawake。
Iwasabouttoriseandresumemyjourney,whenIdiscoveredthatI
laybesideapitintherock,whosemouthwaslikethatofagrave。
Itwasdeepanddark;Icouldseenobottom。
NowinthedreamsofmychildhoodIhadfoundthatafallinvariablywokeme,andwould,therefore,whendesiringtodiscontinueadream,seeksomeeminencewhencetocastmyselfdownthatImightwake:
withoneglanceatthepeacefulheavens,andoneattherushingwaters,Irolledmyselfovertheedgeofthepit。
Foramomentconsciousnessleftme。Whenitreturned,Istoodinthegarretofmyownhouse,inthelittlewoodenchamberofthecowlandthemirror。
Unspeakabledespair,hopelessnessblankanddreary,invadedmewiththeknowledge:betweenmeandmyLonalayanabyssimpassable！
stretchedadistancenochaincouldmeasure！SpaceandTimeandModeofBeing,aswithwallsofadamantunscalable,impenetrable,shutmeinfromthatgulf！True,itmightyetbeinmypowertopassagainthroughthedooroflight,andjourneybacktothechamberofthedead;andifso,Iwaspartedfromthatchamberonlybyawideheath,andbythepale,starrynightbetwixtmeandthesun,whichalonecouldopenformethemirror—door,andwasnowfarawayontheothersideoftheworld！butanimmeasurablywidergulfsankbetweenusinthis——thatshewasasleepandIwasawake！thatIwasnolongerworthytosharewithherthatsleep,andcouldnolongerhopetoawakefromitwithher！FortrulyIwasmuchtoblame:I
hadfledfrommydream！Thedreamwasnotofmymaking,anymorethanwasmylife:Ioughttohaveseenittotheend！andinfleeingfromit,Ihadlefttheholysleepitselfbehindme！——IwouldgobacktoAdam,tellhimthetruth,andbowtohisdecree！
Icrepttomychamber,threwmyselfonmybed,andpassedadreamlessnight。
Irose,andlistlesslysoughtthelibrary。OnthewayImetnoone;
thehouseseemeddead。Isatdownwithabooktoawaitthenoontide:
notasentencecouldIunderstand！Themutilatedmanuscriptoffereditselffromthemaskeddoor:thesightofitsickenedme;whattomewastheprincesswithherdevilry！
Iroseandlookedoutofawindow。Itwasabrilliantmorning。Withagreatrushthefountainshothigh,andfellroaringback。Thesunsatinitsfeatherytop。Notabirdsang,notacreaturewastobeseen。Ravennorlibrariancamenearme。Theworldwasdeadaboutme。Itookanotherbook,satdownagain,andwentonwaiting。
Noonwasnear。Iwentupthestairstothedumb,shadowyroof。I
closedbehindmethedoorintothewoodenchamber,andturnedtoopenthedooroutofadrearyworld。
Ileftthechamberwithaheartofstone。DowhatImight,allwasfruitless。Ipulledthechains;adjustedandre—adjustedthehood;
arrangedandre—arrangedthemirrors;noresultfollowed。Iwaitedandwaitedtogivethevisiontime;itwouldnotcome;themirrorstoodblank;nothinglayinitsdimolddepthbutthemirroroppositeandmyhaggardface。
Iwentbacktothelibrary。Therethebookswerehatefultome——forIhadoncelovedthem。
ThatnightIlayawakefromdown—lyingtouprising,andthenextdayrenewedmyendeavourswiththemysticdoor。Butallwasyetinvain。HowthehourswentIcannotthink。Noonecamenighme;notasoundfromthehousebelowenteredmyears。NotoncedidIfeelweary——onlydesolate,drearilydesolate。
Ipassedasecondsleeplessnight。InthemorningIwentforthelasttimetothechamberintheroof,andforthelasttimesoughtanopendoor:therewasnone。Myheartdiedwithinme。IhadlostmyLona！
Wassheanywhere？hadsheeverbeen,saveinthemoulderingcellsofmybrain？"Imustdieoneday,"Ithought,"andthen,straightfrommydeath—bed,Iwillsetouttofindher！Ifsheisnot,I
willgototheFatherandsay——`Eventhoucanstnothelpme:letmecease,Ipraythee！\'"
CHAPTERXLIV
THEWAKING
ThefourthnightIseemedtofallasleep,andthatnightwokeindeed。
Iopenedmyeyesandknew,althoughallwasdarkaroundme,thatI
layinthehouseofdeath,andthateverymomentsincethereIfellasleepIhadbeendreaming,andnowfirstwasawake。"Atlast！"I
saidtomyheart,anditleapedforjoy。Iturnedmyeyes;Lonastoodbymycouch,waitingforme！Ihadneverlosther！——onlyforalittletimelostthesightofher！TrulyIneedednothavelamentedhersosorely！
Itwasdark,asIsay,butIsawher:SHEwasnotdark！HereyesshonewiththeradianceoftheMother\'s,andthesamelightissuedfromherface——norfromherfaceonly,forherdeath—dress,filledwiththelightofherbodynowtenfoldawakeinthepowerofitsresurrection,waswhiteassnowandglistering。Shefellasleepagirl;sheawokeawoman,ripewiththelovelinessofthelifeessential。Ifoldedherinmyarms,andknewthatIlivedindeed。
"Iwokefirst！"shesaid,withawonderingsmile。
"Youdid,mylove,andwokeme！"
"Ionlylookedatyouandwaited,"sheanswered。
Thecandlecamefloatingtowardusthroughthedark,andinafewmomentsAdamandEveandMarawerewithus。Theygreeteduswithaquietgood—morningandasmile:theywereusedtosuchwakings！
"Ihopeyouhavehadapleasantdarkness！"saidtheMother。
"Notvery,"Ianswered,"butthewakingfromitisheavenly。"
"Itisbutbegun,"sherejoined;"youarehardlyyetawake！"
"Heisatleastclothed—uponwithDeath,whichistheradiantgarmentofLife,"saidAdam。
HeembracedLonahischild,putanarmaroundme,lookedamomentortwoinquiringlyattheprincess,andpattedtheheadoftheleopardess。
"Ithinkweshallmeetyoutwoagainbeforelong,"hesaid,lookingfirstatLona,thenatme。
"Havewetodieagain？"Iasked。
"No,"heanswered,withasmileliketheMother\'s;"youhavediedintolife,andwilldienomore;youhaveonlytokeepdead。Oncedyingaswediehere,allthedyingisover。Nowyouhaveonlytolive,andthatyoumust,withallyourblessedmight。Themoreyoulive,thestrongeryoubecometolive。"
"ButshallInotgrowwearywithlivingsostrong？"Isaid。"WhatifIceasetolivewithallmymight？"
"Itneedsbutthewill,andthestrengthisthere！"saidtheMother。
"Purelifehasnoweaknesstogrowwearywithal。THELifekeepsgeneratingours。——Thosewhowillnotdie,diemanytimes,dieconstantly,keepdyingdeeper,neverhavedonedying;hereallisupwardnessandloveandgladness。"
Sheceasedwithasmileandalookthatseemedtosay,"Wearemotherandson;weunderstandeachother！Betweenusnofarewellispossible。"
Marakissedmeontheforehead,andsaid,gayly,"Itoldyou,brother,allwouldbewell！——Whennextyouwouldcomfort,say,`Whatwillbewell,isevennowwell。\'"
Shegavealittlesigh,andIthoughtitmeant,"Buttheywillnotbelieveyou！"
"——Youknowmenow！"sheended,withasmilelikehermother\'s。
"Iknowyou！"Ianswered:"youarethevoicethatcriedinthewildernessbeforeevertheBaptistcame！youaretheshepherdwhosewolveshuntthewanderingsheephomeeretheshadowriseandthenightgrowdark！"
"Myworkwillonedaybeover,"shesaid,"andthenIshallbegladwiththegladnessofthegreatshepherdwhosentme。"
"Allthenightlongthemorningisathand,"saidAdam。
"WhatisthatflappingofwingsIhear？"Iasked。
"TheShadowishovering,"repliedAdam:"thereisoneherewhomhecountshisown！Butoursonce,nevermorecanshebehis！"
Iturnedtolookonthefacesofmyfatherandmother,andkissthemerewewent:theircoucheswereemptysaveoftheLittleOneswhohadwithlove\'sboldnessappropriatedtheirhospitality！Foraninstantthatawfuldreamofdesolationovershadowedme,andIturnedaside。
"Whatisit,myheart？"saidLona。
"Theiremptyplacesfrightenedme,"Ianswered。
"Theyareupandawaylongago,"saidAdam。"Theykissedyoueretheywent,andwhispered,`Comesoon。\'"
"AndIneithertofeelnorhearthem！"Imurmured。
"Howcouldyou——farawayinyourdrearyoldhouse！Youthoughtthedreadfulplacehadyouoncemore！Nowgoandfindthem。——Yourparents,mychild,"headded,turningtoLona,"mustcomeandfindyou！"
Thehourofourdeparturewasathand。Lonawenttothecouchofthemotherwhohadslainher,andkissedhertenderly——thenlaidherselfinherfather\'sarms。
"Thatkisswilldrawherhomeward,myLona！"saidAdam。
"Whowereherparents？"askedLona。
"Myfather,"answeredAdam,"isherfatheralso。"
Sheturnedandlaidherhandinmine。
Ikneeledandhumblythankedthethreeforhelpingmetodie。Lonakneltbesideme,andtheyallbreatheduponus。
"Hark！Ihearthesun,"saidAdam。
Ilistened:hewascomingwiththerushasofathousandtimestenthousandfar—offwings,withtheroarofamoltenandflamingworldmillionsuponmillionsofmilesaway。Hisapproachwasacrescendochordofahundredharmonies。
Thethreelookedateachotherandsmiled,andthatsmilewentfloatingheavenwardathree—petaledflower,thefamily\'smorningthanksgiving。Fromtheirmouthsandtheirfacesitspreadovertheirbodiesandshonethroughtheirgarments。EreIcouldsay,"Lo,theychange！"AdamandEvestoodbeforemetheangelsoftheresurrection,andMarawastheMagdalenewiththematthesepulchre。
ThecountenanceofAdamwaslikelightning,andEveheldanapkinthatflungflakesofsplendourabouttheplace。
Awindbegantomoaninpulsinggusts。
"Youhearhiswingsnow！"saidAdam;andIknewhedidnotmeanthewingsofthemorning。
"ItisthegreatShadowstirringtodepart,"hewenton。"Wretchedcreature,hehashimselfwithinhim,andcannotrest！"
"Butistherenotinhimsomethingdeeperyet？"Iasked。
"Withoutasubstance,"heanswered,"ashadowcannotbe——yea,orwithoutalightbehindthesubstance！"
Helistenedforamoment,thencalledout,withagladsmile,"Harktothegoldencock！Silentandmotionlessformillionsofyearshashestoodontheclockoftheuniverse;nowatlastheisflappinghiswings！nowwillhebegintocrow！andatintervalswillmenhearhimuntilthedawnofthedayeternal。"
Ilistened。Faraway——asintheheartofan鎜niansilence,Iheardtheclearjubilantoutcryofthegoldenthroat。Ithurleddefianceatdeathandthedark;sanginfinitehope,andcomingcalm。Itwasthe"expectationofthecreature"findingatlastavoice;thecryofachaosthatwouldbeakingdom！
ThenIheardagreatflapping。
"Theblackbatisflown！"saidMara。
"Amen,goldencock,birdofGod！"criedAdam,andthewordsrangthroughthehouseofsilence,andwentupintotheairyregions。
AthisAMEN——likedovesarisingonwingsofsilverfromamongthepotsherds,upsprangtheLittleOnestotheirkneesontheirbeds,callingaloud,"Crow！crowagain,goldencock！"——asiftheyhadbothseenandheardhimintheirdreams。
Theneachturnedandlookedatthesleepingbedfellow,gazedamomentwithlovingeyes,kissedthesilentcompanionofthenight,andsprangfromthecouch。TheLittleOneswhohadlaindownbesidemyfatherandmothergazedblankandsadforamomentattheiremptyplaces,thenslidslowlytothefloor。Theretheyfelleachintotheother\'sarms,asifthenfirst,eachbytheother\'seyes,assuredtheywerealiveandawake。SuddenlyspyingLona,theycamerunning,radiantwithbliss,toembraceher。Odu,catchingsightoftheleopardessonthefeetoftheprincess,boundedtohernext,andthrowinganarmoverthegreatsleepinghead,fondledandkissedit。
"Wakeup,wakeup,darling！"hecried;"itistimetowake！"
Theleopardessdidnotmove。
"Shehassleptherselfcold！"hesaidtoMara,withanupcastlookofappealingconsternation。
"Sheiswaitingfortheprincesstowake,mychild,"saidMara。
Odulookedattheprincess,andsawbesideher,stillasleep,twoofhiscompanions。Heflewatthem。
"Wakeup！wakeup！"hecried,andpushedandpulled,nowthisone,nowthat。
Butsoonhebegantolooktroubled,andturnedtomewithmistyeyes。
"Theywillnotwake！"hesaid。"Andwhyaretheysocold？"
"Theytooarewaitingfortheprincess,"Ianswered。
Hestretchedacross,andlaidhishandonherface。
"Sheiscoldtoo！Whatisit？"hecried——andlookedroundinwonderingdismay。
Adamwenttohim。
"Herwakeisnotripeyet,"hesaid:"sheisbusyforgetting。Whenshehasforgottenenoughtorememberenough,thenshewillsoonberipe,andwake。"
"Andremember？"
"Yes——butnottoomuchatoncethough。"
"Butthegoldencockhascrown！"arguedthechild,andfellagainuponhiscompanions。
"Peter！Peter！Crispy！"hecried。"Wakeup,Peter！wakeup,Crispy！
Weareallawakebutyoutwo！ThegoldcockhascrownSOloud！Thesunisawakeandcoming！Oh,whyWON\'Tyouwake？"
ButPeterwouldnotwake,neitherwouldCrispy,andOduweptoutrightatlast。
"Letthemsleep,darling！"saidAdam。"Youwouldnotliketheprincesstowakeandfindnobody？Theyarequitehappy。Soistheleopardess。"
Hewascomforted,andwipedhiseyesasifhehadbeenallhislifeusedtoweepingandwiping,thoughnowfirsthehadtearswherewithtoweep——soontobewipedaltogetheraway。
WefollowedEvetothecottage。Theresheofferedusneitherbreadnorwine,butstoodradiantlydesiringourdeparture。So,withneverawordoffarewell,wewentout。Thehorseandtheelephantswereatthedoor,waitingforus。Weweretoohappytomountthem,andtheyfollowedus。
CHAPTERXLV
THEJOURNEYHOME
Ithadceasedtobedark;wewalkedinadimtwilight,breathingthroughthedimnessthebreathofthespring。Awondrouschangehadpassedupontheworld——orwasitnotratherthatachangemoremarvelloushadtakenplaceinus？Withoutlightenoughintheskyortheairtorevealanything,everyheather—bush,everysmallshrub,everybladeofgrasswasperfectlyvisible——eitherbylightthatwentoutfromit,asfirefromthebushMosessawinthedesert,orbylightthatwentoutofoureyes。Nothingcastashadow;allthingsinterchangedalittlelight。Everygrowingthingshowedme,byitsshapeandcolour,itsindwellingidea——theinformingthought,thatis,whichwasitsbeing,andsentitout。Mybarefeetseemedtoloveeveryplanttheytrodupon。Theworldandmybeing,itslifeandmine,wereone。Themicrocosmandmacrocosmwereatlengthatoned,atlengthinharmony！Ilivedineverything;everythingenteredandlivedinme。Tobeawareofathing,wastoknowitslifeatonceandmine,toknowwhencewecame,andwherewewereathome——wastoknowthatweareallwhatweare,becauseAnotheriswhatheis！Senseaftersense,hithertoasleep,awokeinme——senseaftersenseindescribable,becausenocorrespondentwords,nolikenessesorimaginationsexist,wherewithaltodescribethem。
Fullindeed——yeteverexpanding,evermakingroomtoreceive——wastheconsciousbeingwherethingskeptenteringbysomanyopendoors！Whenalittlebreezebrushingabushofheathersetitspurplebellsaringing,Iwasmyselfinthejoyofthebells,myselfinthejoyofthebreezetowhichrespondedtheirsweetTIN—TINNING**,myselfinthejoyofthesense,andofthesoulthatreceivedallthejoystogether。ToeverythinggladIlentthehallofmybeingwhereintorevel。Iwasapeacefuloceanuponwhichtheground—swellofalivingjoywascontinuallyliftingnewwaves;yetwasthejoyeverthesamejoy,theeternaljoy,withtensofthousandsofchangingforms。Lifewasacosmicholiday。
NowIknewthatlifeandtruthwereone;thatlifemereandpureisinitselfbliss;thatwherebeingisnotbliss,itisnotlife,butlife—in—death。Everyinspirationofthedarkwindthatblewwhereitlisted,wentoutasighofthanksgiving。AtlastIwas！
Ilived,andnothingcouldtouchmylife！Mydarlingwalkedbesideme,andwewereonourwayhometotheFather！
Somuchwasoursereeverthefirstsunroseuponourfreedom:whatmustnottheeternaldaybringwithit！
