第4章

TANNER。I！Ihaveneverbeenoutofit。Why，IaminloveevenwithAnn。ButIamneithertheslaveoflovenoritsdupe。Gotothebee，thoupoet：considerherwaysandbewise。ByHeaven，Tavy，ifwomencoulddowithoutourwork，andweatetheirchildren’sbreadinsteadofmakingit，theywouldkillusasthespiderkillshermateorasthebeeskillthedrone。Andtheywouldberightifweweregoodfornothingbutlove。

OCTAVIUS。Ah，ifwewereonlygoodenoughforLove！ThereisnothinglikeLove：thereisnothingelsebutLove：withoutittheworldwouldbeadreamofsordidhorror。

TANNER。Andthis——thisisthemanwhoasksmetogivehimthehandofmyward！Tavy：Ibelievewewerechangedinourcradles，andthatyouaretherealdescendantofDonJuan。

OCTAVIUS。IbegyounottosayanythinglikethattoAnn。

TANNER。Don’tbeafraid。Shehasmarkedyouforherown；andnothingwillstophernow。Youaredoomed。[Strakercomesbackwithanewspaper]。HerecomestheNewMan，demoralizinghimselfwithahalfpennypaperasusual。

STRAKER。Now，wouldyoubelieveit：MrRobinson，whenwe’reoutmotoringwetakeintwopapers，theTimesforhim，theLeaderortheEchoforme。AnddoyouthinkIeverseemypaper？Notmuch。HegrabstheLeaderandleavesmetostodgemyselfwithhisTimes。

OCTAVIUS。AretherenowinnersintheTimes？

TANNER。Enrydon’toldwithbettin，Tavy。Motorrecordsarehisweakness。What’sthelatest？

STRAKER。ParistoBiskraatfortymileanhouraverage，notcountintheMediterranean。

TANNER。Howmanykilled？

STRAKER。Twosillysheep。Whatdoesitmatter？Sheepdon’tcostsuchalot：theyweregladtoavethepricewithoutthetroubleosellinemtothebutcher。Allthesame，d’y’see，there’llbeaclamoraginitpresently；andthentheFrenchGovernment’llstopit；anourchancewillbegonesee？Thatwhatmakesmefairlymad：MrTannerwon’tdoagoodrunwhilehecan。

TANNER。Tavy：doyouremembermyuncleJames？

OCTAVIUS。Yes。Why？

TANNER。UncleJameshadafirstratecook：hecouldn’tdigestanythingexceptwhatshecooked。Well，thepoormanwasshyandhatedsociety。Buthiscookwasproudofherskill，andwantedtoserveupdinnerstoprincesandambassadors。Topreventherfromleavinghim，thatpooroldmanhadtogiveabigdinnertwiceamonth，andsufferagoniesofawkwardness。NowhereamI；andhereisthischapEnryStraker，theNewMan。Iloathetravelling；butIratherlikeEnry。Hecaresfornothingbuttearingalonginaleathercoatandgoggles，withtwoinchesofdustalloverhim，atsixtymilesanhourandtheriskofhislifeandmine。Except，ofcourse，whenheislyingonhisbackinthemudunderthemachinetryingtofindoutwhereithasgivenway。Well，ifI

don’tgivehimathousandmilerunatleastonceafortnightI

shalllosehim。HewillgivemethesackandgotosomeAmericanmillionaire；andIshallhavetoputupwithanicerespectfulgroom—gardener—amateur，whowilltouchhishatandknowhisplace。IamEnry’sslave，justasUncleJameswashiscook’sslave。

STRAKER。[exasperated]Garn！IwishIhadacarthatwouldgoasfastasyoucantalk，MrTanner。WhatIsayisthatyoulosemoneybyamotorcarunlessyoukeepitworkin。Mightaswellaveapramandanussmaidtowheelyouinitasthatcarandmeifyoudon’tgitthelastinchoutofusboth。

TANNER。[soothingly]Allright，Henry，allright。We’llgooutforhalfanhourpresently。

STRAKER。[indisgust]Arfanahr！[Hereturnstohismachine；

seatshimselfinit；andturnsupafreshpageofhispaperinsearchofmorenews]。

OCTAVIUS。Oh，thatremindsme。IhaveanoteforyoufromRhoda。[HegivesTanneranote]。

TANNER。[openingit]IratherthinkRhodaisheadingforarowwithAnn。AsarulethereisonlyonepersonanEnglishgirlhatesmorethanshehateshermother；andthat’shereldestsister。ButRhodapositivelyprefershermothertoAnn。She——

[indignantly]Oh，Isay！

OCTAVIUS。What’sthematter？

TANNER。Rhodawastohavecomewithmeforarideinthemotorcar。ShesaysAnnhasforbiddenhertogooutwithme。

Strakersuddenlybeginswhistlinghisfavoriteairwithremarkabledeliberation。Surprisedbythisburstoflarklikemelody，andjarredbyasardonicnoteinitscheerfulness，theyturnandlookinquiringlyathim。Butheisbusywithhispaper；

andnothingcomesoftheirmovement。

OCTAVIUS。[recoveringhimself]Doesshegiveanyreason？

TANNER。Reason！Aninsultisnotareason。Annforbidshertobealonewithmeonanyoccasion。SaysIamnotafitpersonforayounggirltobewith。Whatdoyouthinkofyourparagonnow？

OCTAVIUS。Youmustrememberthatshehasaveryheavyresponsibilitynowthatherfatherisdead。MrsWhitefieldistooweaktocontrolRhoda。

TANNER。[staringathim]Inshort，youagreewithAnn。

OCTAVIUS。No；butIthinkIunderstandher。Youmustadmitthatyourviewsarehardlysuitedfortheformationofayounggirl’smindandcharacter。

TANNER。Iadmitnothingofthesort。Iadmitthattheformationofayounglady’smindandcharacterusuallyconsistsintellingherlies；butIobjecttotheparticularliethatIaminthehabitofabusingtheconfidenceofgirls。

OCTAVIUS。Anndoesn’tsaythat，Jack。

TANNER。Whatelsedoesshemean？

STRAKER。[catchingsightofAnncomingfromthehouse]MissWhitefield，gentlemen。[Hedismountsandstrollsawaydowntheavenuewiththeairofamanwhoknowsheisnolongerwanted]。

ANN。[comingbetweenOctaviusandTanner]。Goodmorning，Jack。I

havecometotellyouthatpoorRhodahasgotoneofherheadachesandcannotgooutwithyouto—dayinthecar。Itisacrueldisappointmenttoher，poorchild！

TANNER。Whatdoyousaynow，Tavy，OCTAVIUS。Surelyyoucannotmisunderstand，Jack。Annisshowingyouthekindestconsideration，evenatthecostofdeceivingyou。

ANN。Whatdoyoumean？

TANNER。WouldyouliketocureRhoda’sheadache，Ann？

ANN。Ofcourse。

TANNER。Thentellherwhatyousaidjustnow；andaddthatyouarrivedabouttwominutesafterIhadreceivedherletterandreadit。

ANN。Rhodahaswrittentoyou！

TANNER。Withfullparticulars。

OCTAVIUS。Nevermindhim，Ann。Youwereright，quiteright。Annwasonlydoingherduty，Jack；andyouknowit。Doingitinthekindestway，too。

ANN。[goingtoOctavius]Howkindyouare，Tavy！Howhelpful！

Howwellyouunderstand！

Octaviusbeams。

TANNER。Ay：tightenthecoils。Youloveher，Tavy，don’tyou？

OCTAVIUS。SheknowsIdo。

ANN。Hush。Forshame，Tavy！

TANNER。Oh，Igiveyouleave。Iamyourguardian；andIcommityoutoTavy’scareforthenexthour。

ANN。No，Jack。ImustspeaktoyouaboutRhoda。Ricky：willyougobacktothehouseandentertainyourAmericanfriend？He’sratheronMamma’shandssoearlyinthemorning。Shewantstofinishherhousekeeping。

OCTAVIUS。Ifly，dearestAnn[hekissesherhand]。

ANN。[tenderly]RickyTickyTavy！

Helooksatherwithaneloquentblush，andrunsoff。

TANNER。[bluntly]Nowlookhere，Ann。Thistimeyou’velandedyourself；andifTavywerenotinlovewithyoupastallsalvationhe’dhavefoundoutwhatanincorrigibleliaryouare。

ANN。Youmisunderstand，Jack。Ididn’tdaretellTavythetruth。

TANNER。No：yourdaringisgenerallyintheoppositedirection。

WhatthedevildoyoumeanbytellingRhodathatIamtoovicioustoassociatewithher？HowcanIeverhaveanyhumanordecentrelationswithheragain，nowthatyouhavepoisonedhermindinthatabominableway？

ANN。Iknowyouareincapableofbehavingbadly。

TANNER。Thenwhydidyoulietoher？

ANN。Ihadto。

TANNER。Hadto！

ANN。Mothermademe。

TANNER。[hiseyeflashing]Ha！Imighthaveknownit。Themother！

Alwaysthemother！

ANN。Itwasthatdreadfulbookofyours。Youknowhowtimidmotheris。Alltimidwomenareconventional：wemustbeconventional，Jack，orwearesocruelly，sovilelymisunderstood。

Evenyou，whoareaman，cannotsaywhatyouthinkwithoutbeingmisunderstoodandvilified——yes：Iadmitit：Ihavehadtovilifyyou。DoyouwanttohavepoorRhodamisunderstoodandvilifiedtothesameway？Woulditberightformothertoletherexposeherselftosuchtreatmentbeforesheisoldenoughtojudgeforherself？

TANNER。Inshort，thewaytoavoidmisunderstandingisforeverybodytolieandslanderandinsinuateandpretendashardastheycan。Thatiswhatobeyingyourmothercomesto。

ANN。Ilovemymother，Jack。

TANNER。[workinghimselfupintoasociologicalrage]Isthatanyreasonwhyyouarenottocallyoursoulyourown？Oh，Iprotestagainstthisvileabjectionofyouthtoage！lookatfashionablesocietyasyouknowit。Whatdoesitpretendtobe？Anexquisitedanceofnymphs。Whatisit？Ahorribleprocessionofwretchedgirls，eachintheclawsofacynical，cunning，avaricious，disillusioned，ignorantlyexperienced，foul—mindedoldwomanwhomshecallsmother，andwhosedutyitistocorrupthermindandsellhertothehighestbidder。Whydotheseunhappyslavesmarryanybody，howeveroldandvile，soonerthannotmarryatall？

Becausemarriageistheironlymeansofescapefromthesedecrepitfiendswhohidetheirselfishambitions，theirjealoushatredsoftheyoungrivalswhohavesupplantedthem，underthemaskofmaternaldutyandfamilyaffection。Suchthingsareabominable：thevoiceofnatureproclaimsforthedaughterafather’scareandforthesonamother’s。Thelawforfatherandsonandmotheranddaughterisnotthelawoflove：itisthelawofrevolution，ofemancipation，offinalsupersessionoftheoldandworn—outbytheyoungandcapable。Itellyou，thefirstdutyofmanhoodandwomanhoodisaDeclarationofIndependence：

themanwhopleadshisfather’sauthorityisnoman：thewomanwhopleadshermother’sauthorityisunfittobearcitizenstoafreepeople。

ANN。[watchinghimwithquietcuriosity]Isupposeyouwillgoinseriouslyforpoliticssomeday，Jack。

TANNER。[heavilyletdown]Eh？What？Wh——？[Collectinghisscatteredwits]WhathasthatgottodowithwhatIhavebeensaying？

ANN。Youtalksowell。

TANNER。Talk！Talk！Itmeansnothingtoyoubuttalk。Well，gobacktoyourmother，andhelphertopoisonRhoda’simaginationasshehaspoisonedyours。Itisthetameelephantswhoenjoycapturingthewildones。

ANN。Iamgettingon。YesterdayIwasaboaconstrictor：to—dayI

amanelephant。

TANNER。Yes。Sopackyourtrunkandbegone；Ihavenomoretosaytoyou。

ANN。Youaresoutterlyunreasonableandimpracticable。WhatcanIdo？

TANNER。Do！Breakyourchains。Goyourwayaccordingtoyourownconscienceandnotaccordingtoyourmother’s。Getyourmindcleanandvigorous；andlearntoenjoyafastrideinamotorcarinsteadofseeingnothinginitbutanexcuseforadetestableintrigue。ComewithmetoMarseillesandacrosstoAlgiersandtoBiskra，atsixtymilesanhour。ComerightdowntotheCapeifyoulike。ThatwillbeaDeclarationofIndependencewithavengeance。Youcanwriteabookaboutitafterwards。Thatwillfinishyourmotherandmakeawomanofyou。

ANN。[thoughtfully]Idon’tthinktherewouldbeanyharminthat，Jack。Youaremyguardian：youstandinmyfather’splace，byhisownwish。Nobodycouldsayawordagainstourtravellingtogether。Itwouldbedelightful：thankyouathousandtimes，Jack。I’llcome。

TANNER。[aghast]You’llcome！！！

ANN。Ofcourse。

TANNER。But——[hestops，utterlyappalled；thenresumesfeebly]

No：lookhere，Ann：ifthere’snoharminitthere’snopointindoingit。

ANN。Howabsurdyouare！Youdon’twanttocompromiseme，doyou？

TANNER。Yes：that’sthewholesenseofmyproposal。

ANN。Youaretalkingthegreatestnonsense；andyouknowit。Youwouldneverdoanythingtohurtme。

TANNER。Well，ifyoudon’twanttobecompromised，don’tcome。

ANN。[withsimpleearnestness]Yes，Iwillcome，Jack，sinceyouwishit。Youaremyguardian；andthinkweoughttoseemoreofoneanotherandcometoknowoneanotherbetter。[Gratefully]

It’sverythoughtfulandverykindofyou，Jack，tooffermethislovelyholiday，especiallyafterwhatIsaidaboutRhoda。Youreallyaregood——muchbetterthanyouthink。Whendowestart？

TANNER。But——

TheconversationisinterruptedbythearrivalofMrsWhitefieldfromthehouse。SheisaccompaniedbytheAmericangentleman，andfollowedbyRamsdenandOctavius。

HectorMaloneisanEasternAmerican；butheisnotatallashamedofhisnationality。ThismakesEnglishpeopleoffashionthinkwellofhim，asofayoungfellowwhoismanlyenoughtoconfesstoanobviousdisadvantagewithoutanyattempttoconcealorextenuateit。Theyfeelthatheoughtnottobemadetosufferforwhatisclearlynothisfault，andmakeapointofbeingspeciallykindtohim。Hischivalrousmannerstowomen，andhiselevatedmoralsentiments，beingbothgratuitousandunusual，strikethemasbeingalittleunfortunate；andthoughtheyfindhisveinofeasyhumorratheramusingwhenithasceasedtopuzzlethem（asitdoesatfirst），theyhavehadtomakehimunderstandthathereallymustnottellanecdotesunlesstheyarestrictlypersonalandscandalous，andalsothatoratoryisanaccomplishmentwhichbelongstoacruderstageofcivilizationthanthatinwhichhismigrationhaslandedhim。OnthesepointsHectorisnotquiteconvinced：hestillthinksthattheBritishareapttomakemeritsoftheirstupidities，andtorepresenttheirvariousincapacitiesaspointsofgoodbreeding。Englishlifeseemstohimtosufferfromalackofedifyingrhetoric（whichhecallsmoraltone）；Englishbehaviortoshowawantofrespectforwomanhood；Englishpronunciationtofailveryvulgarlyintacklingsuchwordsasworld，girl，bird，etc。；

Englishsocietytobeplainspokentoanextentwhichstretchesoccasionallytointolerablecoarseness；andEnglishintercoursetoneedenliveningbygamesandstoriesandotherpastimes；sohedoesnotfeelcalledupontoacquirethesedefectsaftertakinggreatpathstocultivatehimselfinafirstratemannerbeforeventuringacrosstheAtlantic。TothisculturehefindsEnglishpeopleeithertotallyindifferentastheyverycommonlyaretoallculture，orelsepolitelyevasive，thetruthbeingthatHector’scultureisnothingbutastateofsaturationwithourliteraryexportsofthirtyyearsago，reimportedbyhimtobeunpackedatamoment’snoticeandhurledattheheadofEnglishliterature，scienceandart，ateveryconversationalopportunity。

ThedismaysetupbythesesalliesencourageshiminhisbeliefthatheishelpingtoeducateEngland。WhenhefindspeoplechatteringharmlesslyaboutAnatoleFranceandNietzsche，hedevastatesthemwithMatthewArnold，theAutocratoftheBreakfastTable，andevenMacaulay；andasheisdevoutlyreligiousatbottom，hefirstleadstheunwary，byhumorousirreverences，towavepopulartheologyoutofaccountindiscussingmoralquestionswithhim，andthenscatterstheminconfusionbydemandingwhetherthecarryingoutofhisidealsofconductwasnotthemanifestobjectofGodAlmightyincreatinghonestmenandpurewomen。Theengagingfreshnessofhispersonalityandthedumbfounderingstalenessofhisculturemakeitextremelydifficulttodecidewhetherheisworthknowing；forwhilsthiscompanyisundeniablypleasantandenlivening，thereisintellectuallynothingnewtobegotoutofhim，especiallyashedespisespolitics，andiscarefulnottotalkcommercialshop，inwhichdepartmentheisprobablymuchinadvanceofhisEnglishcapitalistfriends。HegetsonbestwithromanticChristiansoftheamoristicsect：hencethefriendshipwhichhassprungupbetweenhimandOctavius。

InappearanceHectorisaneatlybuiltyoungmanoftwenty—four，withashort，smartlytrimmedblackbeard，clear，wellshapedeyes，andaningratiatingvivacityofexpression。Heis，fromthefashionablepointofview，faultlesslydressed。AshecomesalongthedrivefromthehousewithMrsWhitefieldheissedulouslymakinghimselfagreeableandentertaining，andtherebyplacingonherslenderwitaburdenitisunabletobear。AnEnglishmanwouldletheralone，acceptingboredomandindifferenceoftheircommonlot；andthepoorladywantstobeeitherletaloneorletprattleaboutthethingsthatinteresther。

Ramsdenstrollsovertoinspectthemotorcar。OctaviusjoinsHector。

ANN。[pouncingonhermotherjoyously]Oh，mamma，whatdoyouthink！JackisgoingtotakemetoNiceinhismotorcar。Isn’titlovely？IamthehappiestpersoninLondon。

TANNER。[desperately]MrsWhitefieldobjects。Iamsuresheobjects。Doesn’tshe，Ramsden？

RAMSDEN。Ishouldthinkitverylikelyindeed。

ANN。Youdon’tobject，doyou，mother？

MRSWHITEFIELD。Iobject！WhyshouldI？Ithinkitwilldoyougood，Ann。[TrottingovertoTanner]ImeanttoaskyoutotakeRhodaoutforarunoccasionally：sheistoomuchinthehouse；

butitwilldowhenyoucomeback。

TANNER。Abyssbeneathabyssofperfidy！

ANN。[hastily，todistractattentionfromthisoutburst]Oh，I

forgot：youhavenotmetMrMalone。MrTanner，myguardian：MrHectorMalone。

HECTOR。Pleasedtomeetyou，MrTanner。IshouldliketosuggestanextensionofthetravellingpartytoNice，ifImay。

ANN。Oh，we’reallcoming。That’sunderstood，isn’tit？

HECTOR。Ialsoamthemodestpossessorofamotorcar。IfMissRobinsonwillallowmetheprivilegeoftakingher，mycarisatherservice。

OCTAVIUS。Violet！

Generalconstraint。

ANN。[subduedly]Come，mother：wemustleavethemtotalkoverthearrangements。Imustseetomytravellingkit。

MrsWhitefieldlooksbewildered；butAnndrawsherdiscreetlyaway；andtheydisappearroundthecornertowardsthehouse。

HECTOR。IthinkImaygosofarastosaythatIcandependonMissRobinson’sconsent。

Continuedembarrassment。

OCTAVIUS。I’mafraidwemustleaveVioletbehind，Therearecircumstanceswhichmakeitimpossibleforhertocomeonsuchanexpedition。

HECTOR。[amusedandnotatallconvinced]TooAmerican，eh？Musttheyoungladyhaveachaperone？

OCTAVIUS。It’snotthat，Malone——atleastnotaltogether。

HECTOR。Indeed！MayIaskwhatotherobjectionapplies？

TANNER。[impatiently]Oh，tellhim，tellhim。Weshallneverbeabletokeepthesecretunlesseverybodyknowswhatitis。MrMalone：ifyougotoNicewithViolet，yougowithanotherman’swife。Sheismarried。

HECTOR。（thunderstruck]Youdon’ttellmeso！

TANNER。Wedo。Inconfidence。

RAMSDEN。[withanairofimportance，lestMaloneshouldsuspectamisalliance]Hermarriagehasnotyetbeenmadeknown：shedesiresthatitshallnotbementionedforthepresent。

HECTOR。Ishallrespectthelady’swishes。Woulditbeindiscreettoaskwhoherhusbandis，incaseIshouldhaveanopportunityofconsultinghimaboutthistrip？

TANNER。Wedon’tknowwhoheis。

HECTOR。[retiringintohisshellinaverymarkedmanner]Inthatcase，Ihavenomoretosay。

Theybecomemoreembarrassedthanever。

OCTAVIUS。Youmustthinkthisverystrange。

HECTOR。Alittlesingular。Pardonmeforsavingso。

RAMSDEN。[halfapologetic，halfhuffy]Theyoungladywasmarriedsecretly；andherhusbandhasforbiddenher，itseems，todeclarehisname。Itisonlyrighttotellyou，sinceyouareinterestedinMiss——er——inViolet。

OCTAVIUS。[sympathetically]Ihopethisisnotadisappointmenttoyou。

HECTOR。[softened，comingoutofhisshellagain]Wellitisablow。Icanhardlyunderstandhowamancanleaveawifeinsuchaposition。Surelyit’snotcustomary。It’snotmanly。It’snotconsiderate。

OCTAVIUS。Wefeelthat，asyoumayimagine，prettydeeply。

RAMSDEN。[testily]Itissomeyoungfoolwhohasnotenoughexperiencetoknowwhatmystificationsofthiskindleadto。

HECTOR。[withstrongsymptomsofmoralrepugnance]Ihopeso。A

manneedbeveryyoungandprettyfoolishtootobeexcusedforsuchconduct。Youtakeaverylenientview，MrRamsden。Toolenienttomymind。Surelymarriageshouldennobleaman。

TANNER。[sardonically]Ha！

HECTOR。AmItogatherfromthatcacchinationthatyoudon’tagreewithme，MrTanner？

TANNER。[drily]Getmarriedandtry。Youmayfinditdelightfulforawhile：youcertainlywon’tfinditennobling。Thegreatestcommonmeasureofamanandawomanisnotnecessarilygreaterthantheman’ssinglemeasure。

HECTOR。Well，wethinkinAmericathatawoman’smoralnumberishigherthanaman’s，andthatthepurernatureofawomanliftsamanrightoutofhimself，andmakeshimbetterthanhewas。

OCTAVIUS。[withconviction]Soitdoes。

TANNER。NowonderAmericanwomenprefertoliveinEurope！It’smorecomfortablethanstandingalltheirlivesonanaltartobeworshipped。Anyhow，Violet’shusbandhasnotbeenennobled。Sowhat’stobedone？

HECTOR。[shakinghishead]Ican’tdismissthatman’sconductaslightlyasyoudo，MrTanner。However，I’llsaynomore。Whoeverheis，he’sMissRobinson’shusband；andIshouldbegladforhersaketothinkbetterofhim。

OCTAVIUS。[touched；forhedivinesasecretsorrow]I’mverysorry，Malone。Verysorry。

HECTOR。[gratefully]You’reagoodfellow，Robinson，Thankyou。

TANNER。Talkaboutsomethingelse。Violet’scomingfromthehouse。

HECTOR。Ishouldesteemitaverygreatfavor，men，ifyouwouldtaketheopportunitytoletmehaveafewwordswiththeladyalone。Ishallhavetocryoffthistrip；andit’sratheradelicate——

RAMSDEN。[gladtoescape]Saynomore。ComeTanner，Come，Tavy。

[HestrollsawayintotheparkwithOctaviusandTanner，pastthemotorcar]。

VioletcomesdowntheavenuetoHector。

VIOLET。Aretheylooking？

HECTOR。No。

Shekisseshim。

VIOLET。Haveyoubeentellingliesformysake？

HECTOR。Lying！Lyinghardlydescribesit。Ioverdoit。Igetcarriedawayinanecstasyofmendacity。Violet：Iwishyou’dletmeownup。

VIOLET。[instantlybecomingseriousandresolute]No，no。Hector：

youpromisedmenotto。

HECTOR。I’llkeepmypromiseuntilyoureleasemefromit。ButI

feelmean，lyingtothosemen，anddenyingmywife。Justdastardly。

VIOLET。Iwishyourfatherwerenotsounreasonable。

HECTOR。He’snotunreasonable。He’srightfromhispointofview。

HehasaprejudiceagainsttheEnglishmiddleclass。

VIOLET。It’stooridiculous。YouknowhowIdislikesayingsuchthingstoyou，Hector；butifIwereto——oh，well，nomatter。

HECTOR。Iknow。IfyouweretomarrythesonofanEnglishmanufacturerofofficefurniture，yourfriendswouldconsideritamisalliance。Andhere’smysillyolddad，whoisthebiggestofficefurnituremanintheworld，wouldshowmethedoorformarryingthemostperfectladyinEnglandmerelybecauseshehasnohandletohername。Ofcourseit’sjustabsurd。ButItellyou，Violet，Idon’tlikedeceivinghim。IfeelasifIwasstealinghismoney。Whywon’tyouletmeownup？

VIOLET。Wecan’taffordit。Youcanbeasromanticasyoupleaseaboutlove，Hector；butyoumustn’tberomanticaboutmoney。

HECTOR。[dividedbetweenhisuxoriousnessandhishabitualelevationofmoralsentiment]That’sveryEnglish。[Appealingtoherimpulsively]Violet：Dad’sboundtofindusoutsomeday。

VIOLET。Ohyes，lateronofcourse。Butdon’tlet’sgooverthiseverytimewemeet，dear。Youpromised——

HECTOR。Allright，allright，I——

VIOLET。[nottobesilenced]ItisIandnotyouwhosufferbythisconcealment；andastofacingastruggleandpovertyandallthatsortofthingIsimplywillnotdoit。It’stoosilly。

HECTOR。Youshallnot。I’llsortofborrowthemoneyfrommydaduntilIgetonmyownfeet；andthenIcanownupandpayupatthesametime。

VIOLET。[alarmedandindignant]Doyoumeantowork？Doyouwanttospoilourmarriage？

HECTOR。Well，Idon’tmeantoletmarriagespoilmycharacter。

YourfriendMrTannerhasgotthelaughonmeabitalreadyaboutthat；and——

VIOLET。Thebeast！IhateJackTanner。

HECTOR。[magnanimously]Oh，he’sallright：heonlyneedstheloveofagoodwomantoennoblehim。Besides，he’sproposedamotoringtriptoNice；andI’mgoingtotakeyou。

VIOLET。Howjolly！

HECTOR。Yes；buthowarewegoingtomanage？Yousee，they’vewarnedmeoffgoingwithyou，sotospeak。They’vetoldmeinconfidencethatyou’remarried。That’sjustthemostoverwhelmingconfidenceI’veeverbeenhonoredwith。

TannerreturnswithStraker，whogoestohiscar。

TANNER。Yourcarisagreatsuccess，MrMalone。YourengineerisshowingitofftoMrRamsden。

HECTOR。[eagerly——forgettinghimself]Let’scome，Vi。

VIOLET。[coldly，warninghimwithhereyes]Ibegyourpardon，MrMalone，Ididnotquitecatch——

HECTOR。[recollectinghimself]IasktobeallowedthepleasureofshowingyoumylittleAmericansteamcar，MissRobinson。

VIOLET。Ishallbeverypleased。[Theygoofftogetherdowntheavenue]。

TANNER。Aboutthistrip，Straker。

STRAKER。[preoccupiedwiththecar]Yes？

TANNER。MissWhitefieldissupposedtobecomingwithme。

STRAKER。SoIgather。

TANNER。MrRobinsonistobeoneoftheparty。

STRAKER。Yes。

TANNER。Well，ifyoucanmanagesoastobeagooddealoccupiedwithme，andleaveMrRobinsonagooddealoccupiedwithMissWhitefield，hewillbedeeplygratefultoyou。

STRAKER。[lookingroundathim]Evidently。

TANNER。"Evidently"！Yourgrandfatherwouldhavesimplywinked。

STRAKER。Mygrandfatherwouldhavetouchedhisat。

TANNER。AndIshouldhavegivenyourgoodnicerespectfulgrandfatherasovereign。

STRAKER。Fiveshillins，morelikely。[HeleavesthecarandapproachesTanner]。Whataboutthelady’sviews？

TANNER。SheisjustaswillingtobelefttoMrRobinsonasMrRobinsonistobelefttoher。[Strakerlooksathisprincipalwithcoolscepticism；thenturnstothecarwhistlinghisfavoriteair]。Stopthataggravatingnoise。Whatdoyoumeanbyit？[Strakercalmlyresumesthemelodyandfinishesit。TannerpolitelyhearsitoutbeforeheagainaddressesStraker，thistimewithelaborateseriousness]。Enry：Ihaveeverbeenawarmadvocateofthespreadofmusicamongthemasses；butIobjecttoyourobligingthecompanywheneverMissWhitefield’snameismentioned。Youdiditthismorning，too。

STRAKER。[obstinately]It’snotabitouse。MrRobinsonmayaswellgiveitupfirstaslast。

TANNER。Why？

STRAKER。Garn！Youknowwhy。Courseit’snotmybusiness；butyouneedn’tstartkiddinmeaboutit。

TANNER。Iamnotkidding。Idon’tknowwhy。

STRAKER。[Cheerfullysulky]Oh，verywell。Allright。Itain’tmybusiness。

TANNER。[impressively]Itrust，Enry，that，asbetweenemployerandengineer，Ishallalwaysknowhowtokeepmyproperdistance，andnotintrudemyprivateaffairsonyou。EvenourbusinessarrangementsaresubjecttotheapprovalofyourTradeUnion。Butdon’tabuseyouradvantages。LetmeremindyouthatVoltairesaidthatwhatwastoosillytobesaidcouldbesung。

STRAKER。Itwasn’tVoltaire：itwasBowMarShay。

TANNER。Istandcorrected：Beaumarchaisofcourse。Nowyouseemtothinkthatwhatistoodelicatetobesaidcanbewhistled。

Unfortunatelyyourwhistling，thoughmelodious，isunintelligible。

Come！there’snobodylistening：neithermygenteelrelativesnorthesecretaryofyourconfoundedUnion。Asmantoman，Enry，whydoyouthinkthatmyfriendhasnochancewithMissWhitefield？

STRAKER。Causeshe’sartersummunelse。

TANNER。Bosh！whoelse？

STRAKER。You。

TANNER。Me！！！

STRAKER。Meantotellmeyoudidn’tknow？Oh，come，MrTanner！

TANNER。[infierceearnest]Areyouplayingthefool，ordoyoumeanit？

STRAKER。[withaflashoftemper]I’mnotplayinnofool。[Morecoolly]Why，it’sasplainasthenoseonyourface。Ifyouain’tspottedthat，youdon’tknowmuchaboutthesesortofthings。

[Sereneagain]Ex—cuseme，youknow，MrTanner；butyouaskedmeasmantoman；andItoldyouasmantoman。

TANNER。[wildlyappealingtotheheavens]ThenI——Iamthebee，thespider，themarkeddownvictim，thedestinedprey。

STRAKER。Idunnoaboutthebeeandthespider。Butthemarkeddownvictim，that’swhatyouareandnomistake；andajollygoodjobforyou，too，Ishouldsay。

TANNER。[momentously]HenryStraker：themomentofyourlifehasarrived。

STRAKER。Whatd’y’mean？

TANNER。ThatrecordtoBiskra。

STRAKER。[eagerly]Yes？

TANNER。Breakit。

STRAKER。[risingtotheheightofhisdestiny]D’y’meanit？

TANNER。Ido。

STRAKER。When？

TANNER。Now。Isthatmachinereadytostart？

STRAKER。[quailing]Butyoucan’t——

TANNER。[cuttinghimshortbygettingintothecar]Offwego。

Firsttothebankformoney；thentomyroomsformykit；thentoyourroomsforyourkit；thenbreaktherecordfromLondontoDoverorFolkestone；thenacrossthechannelandawaylikemadtoMarseilles，Gibraltar，Genoa，anyportfromwhichwecansailtoaMahometancountrywheremenareprotectedfromwomen。

STRAKER。Garn！you’rekiddin。

TANNER。[resolutely]Staybehindthen。Ifyouwon’tcomeI’lldoitalone。[Hestartsthemotor]。

STRAKER。[runningafterhim]Here！Mister！arfamo！steadyon！

[hescramblesinasthecarplungesforward]。

ACTIII

EveningintheSierraNevada。Rollingslopesofbrown，witholivetreesinsteadofappletreesinthecultivatedpatches，andoccasionalpricklypearsinsteadofgorseandbrackeninthewilds。Higherup，tallstonepeaksandprecipices，allhandsomeanddistinguished。Nowildnaturehere：ratheramostaristocraticmountainlandscapemadebyafastidiousartist—creator。Novulgarprofusionofvegetation：evenatouchofaridityinthefrequentpatchesofstones：SpanishmagnificenceandSpanisheconomyeverywhere。

NotveryfarnorthofaspotatwhichthehighroadoveroneofthepassescrossesatunnelontherailwayfromMalagatoGranada，isoneofthemountainamphitheatresoftheSierra。

Lookingatitfromthewideendofthehorse—shoe，onesees，alittletotheright，inthefaceofthecliff，aromanticcavewhichisreallyanabandonedquarry，andtowardstheleftalittlehill，commandingaviewoftheroad，whichskirtstheamphitheatreontheleft，maintainingitshigherlevelonembankmentsandonanoccasionalstonearch。Onthehill，watchingtheroad，isamanwhoiseitheraSpaniardoraScotchman。ProbablyaSpaniard，sincehewearsthedressofaSpanishgoatherdandseemsathomeintheSierraNevada，butverylikeaScotchmanforallthat。Inthehollow，ontheslopeleadingtothequarry—cave，areaboutadozenmenwho，astheyreclineattheircaveroundaheapofsmoulderingwhiteashesofdeadleafandbrushwood，haveanairofbeingconsciousofthemselvesaspicturesquescoundrelshonoringtheSierrabyusingitasaneffectivepictorialbackground。Asamatterofartisticfacttheyarenotpicturesque；andthemountainstoleratethemaslionstoleratelice。AnEnglishpolicemanorPoorLawGuardianwouldrecognizethemasaselectedbandoftrampsandablebodiedpaupers。

Thisdescriptionofthemisnotwhollycontemptuous。Whoeverhasintelligentlyobservedthetramp，orvisitedtheablebodiedwardofaworkhouse，willadmitthatoursocialfailuresarenotalldrunkardsandweaklings。Someofthemaremenwhodonotfittheclasstheywereborninto。Preciselythesamequalitiesthatmaketheeducatedgentlemananartistmaymakeanuneducatedmanuallaboreranablebodiedpauper。Therearemenwhofallhelplesslyintotheworkhousebecausetheyaregoodfarnothing；buttherearealsomenwhoaretherebecausetheyarestrongmindedenoughtodisregardthesocialconvention（obviouslynotadisinterestedoneonthepartoftheratepayer）whichbidsamanlivebyheavyandbadlypaiddrudgerywhenhehasthealternativeofwalkingintotheworkhouse，announcinghimselfasadestituteperson，andlegallycompellingtheGuardianstofeed，clotheandhousehimbetterthanhecouldfeed，clotheandhousehimselfwithoutgreatexertion。Whenamanwhoisbornapoetrefusesastoolinastockbroker’soffice，andstarvesinagarret，spungingonapoorlandladyoronhisfriendsandrelativesratherthanworkagainsthisgrain；orwhenalady，becausesheisalady，willfaceanyextremityofparasiticdependenceratherthantakeasituationascookorparlormaid，wemakelargeallowancesforthem。Tosuchallowancestheablebodiedpauperandhisnomadicvariantthetrampareequallyentitled。

Further，theimaginativeman，ifhislifeistobetolerabletohim，musthaveleisuretotellhimselfstories，andapositionwhichlendsitselftoimaginativedecoration。Theranksofunskilledlaboroffernosuchpositions。Wemisuseourlaborershorribly；andwhenamanrefusestobemisused，wehavenorighttosaythatheisrefusinghonestwork。Letusbefrankinthismatterbeforewegoonwithourplay；sothatwemayenjoyitwithouthypocrisy。Ifwewerereasoning，farsightedpeople，fourfifthsofuswouldgostraighttotheGuardiansforrelief，andknockthewholesocialsystemtopieceswithmostbeneficialreconstructiveresults。Thereasonwedogotdothisisbecauseweworklikebeesorants，byinstinctorhabit，notreasoningaboutthematteratall。Thereforewhenamancomesalongwhocananddoesreason，andwho，applyingtheKantiantesttohisconduct，cantrulysaytous，IfeverybodydidasIdo，theworldwouldbecompelledtoreformitselfindustrially，andabolishslaveryandsqualor，whichexistonlybecauseeverybodydoesasyoudo，letushonorthatmanandseriouslyconsidertheadvisabilityoffollowinghisexample。Suchamanistheable—bodied，able—mindedpauper。Wereheagentlemandoinghisbesttogetapensionorasinecureinsteadofsweepingacrossing，nobodywouldblamehim；fordecidingthatsolongasthealternativeliesbetweenlivingmainlyattheexpenseofthecommunityandallowingthecommunitytolivemainlyathis，itwouldbefollytoacceptwhatistohimpersonallythegreaterofthetwoevils。

WemaythereforecontemplatethetrampsoftheSierrawithoutprejudice，admittingcheerfullythatourobjects——briefly，tobegentlemenoffortune——aremuchthesameastheirs，andthedifferenceinourpositionandmethodsmerelyaccidental。Oneortwoofthem，perhaps，itwouldbewisertokillwithoutmaliceinafriendlyandfrankmanner；fortherearebipeds，justastherearequadrupeds，whoaretoodangeroustobeleftunchainedandunmuzzled；andthesecannotfairlyexpecttohaveothermen’sliveswastedintheworkofwatchingthem。Butassocietyhasnotthecouragetokillthem，and，whenitcatchesthem，simplywreaksonthemsomesuperstitiousexpiatoryritesoftortureanddegradation，andthanletsthemloosewithheightenedqualificationsformischief；itisjustaswellthattheyareatlargeintheSierra，andinthehandsofachiefwholooksasifhemightpossibly，onprovocation，orderthemtobeshot。

Thischief，seatedinthecentreofthegrouponasquaredblockofstonefromthequarry，isatallstrongman，withastrikingcockatoonose，glossyblackhair，pointedbeard，upturnedmoustache，andaMephistopheleanaffectationwhichisfairlyimposing，perhapsbecausethesceneryadmitsofalargerswaggerthanPiccadilly，perhapsbecauseofacertainsentimentalityinthemanwhichgiveshimthattouchofgracewhichalonecanexcusedeliberatepicturesqueness。Hiseyesandmoutharebynomeansrascally；hehasafinevoiceandareadywit；andwhetherheisreallythestrongestmanintheparty，ornot，helooksit。

Heiscertainly，thebestfed，thebestdressed，andthebesttrained。ThefactthathespeaksEnglishisnotunexpectedinspiteoftheSpanishlandscape；forwiththeexceptionofonemanwhomightbeguessedasabullfighterruinedbydrinkandoneunmistakableFrenchman，theyareallcockneyorAmerican；

therefore，inalandofcloaksandsombreros，theymostlywearseedyovercoats，woollenmufflers，hardhemisphericalhats，anddirtybrowngloves。Onlyaveryfewdressaftertheirleader，whosebroadsombrerowithacock’sfeatherintheband，andvoluminouscloakdescendingtohishighboots，areasun—Englishaspossible。Noneofthemarearmed；andtheunglovedoneskeeptheirhandsintheirpocketsbecauseitistheirnationalbeliefthatitmustbedangerouslycoldintheopenairwiththenightcomingon。（Itisaswarmaneveningasanyreasonablemancoulddesire）。

Exceptthebullfightinginebriatethereisonlyonepersoninthecompanywholooksmorethan，say，thirty—three。Heisasmallmanwithreddishwhiskers，weakeyes，andtheanxiouslookofasmalltradesmanindifficulties。Hewearstheonlytallhatvisible：itshinesinthesunsetwiththestickyglowofsomesixpennypatenthatreviver，oftenappliedandconstantlytendingtoproduceaworsestateoftheoriginalsurfacethantheruinitwasappliedtoremedy。Hehasacollarandcuffofcelluloid；andhisbrownChesterfieldovercoat，withvelvetcollar，isstillpresentable。Heispre—eminentlytherespectablemanoftheparty，andiscertainlyoverforty，possiblyoverfifty。Heisthecornermanontheleader’sright，oppositethreemeninscarlettiesonhisleft。OneofthesethreeistheFrenchman。Oftheremainingtwo，whoarebothEnglish，oneisargumentative，solemn，andobstinate；theotherrowdyandmischievious。

Thechief，withamagnificentflingoftheendofhiscloakacrosshisleftshoulder，risestoaddressthem。Theapplausewhichgreetshimshowsthatheisafavoriteorator。

THECHIEF。Friendsandfellowbrigands。Ihaveaproposaltomaketothismeeting。WehavenowspentthreeeveningsindiscussingthequestionHaveAnarchistsorSocial—Democratsthemostpersonalcourage？WehavegoneintotheprinciplesofAnarchismandSocial—Democracyatgreatlength。ThecauseofAnarchyhasbeenablyrepresentedbyouroneAnarchist，whodoesn’tknowwhatAnarchismmeans[laughter]——

THEANARCHIST。[rising]Apointoforder，Mendoza——

MENDOZA。[forcibly]No，bythunder：yourlastpointofordertookhalfanhour。Besides，Anarchistsdon’tbelieveinorder。

THEANARCHIST。[mild，politebutpersistent：heis，infact，therespectablelookingelderlymaninthecelluloidcollarandcuffs]Thatisavulgarerror。Icanprove——

MENDOZA。Order，order。

THEOTHERS[shouting]Order，order。Sitdown。Chair！Shutup。

TheAnarchistissuppressed。

MENDOZA。OntheotherhandwehavethreeSocial—Democratsamongus。Theyarenotonspeakingterms；andtheyhaveputbeforeusthreedistinctandincompatibleviewsofSocial—Democracy。

THEMAJORITY。[shoutingassent]Hear，hear！Soweare。Right。

THEROWDYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[smartingunderoppression]Youain’tnoChristian。You’reaSheeny，youare。

MENDOZA。[withcrushingmagnanimity]Myfriend；Iamanexceptiontoallrules。ItistruethatIhavethehonortobeaJew；and，whentheZionistsneedaleadertoreassembleourraceonitshistoricsoilofPalestine，Mendozawillnotbethelasttovolunteer[sympatheticapplause——hear，hear，etc。]。ButIamnotaslavetoanysuperstition。Ihaveswallowedalltheformulas，eventhatofSocialism；though，inasense，onceaSocialist，alwaysaSocialist。

THESOCIAL—DEMOCRATS。Hear，hear！

MENDOZA。ButIamwellawarethattheordinaryman——eventheordinarybrigand，whocanscarcelybecalledanordinaryman[Hear，hear！]——isnotaphilosopher。Commonsenseisgoodenoughforhim；andinourbusinessaffairscommonsenseisgoodenoughforme。Well，whatisourbusinesshereintheSierraNevada，chosenbytheMoorsasthefairestspotinSpain？Isittodiscussabstrusequestionsofpoliticaleconomy？No：itistoholdupmotorcarsandsecureamoreequitabledistributionofwealth。

THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。Allmadebylabor，mindyou。

MENDOZA。[urbanely]Undoubtedly。Allmadebylabor，andonitswaytobesquanderedbywealthyvagabondsinthedensofvicethatdisfigurethesunnyshoresoftheMediterranean。Weinterceptthatwealth。Werestoreittocirculationamongtheclassthatproduceditandthatchieflyneedsit——theworkingclass。Wedothisattheriskofourlivesandliberties，bytheexerciseofthevirtuesofcourage，endurance，foresight，andabstinence——especiallyabstinence。Imyselfhaveeatennothingbutpricklypearsandbroiledrabbitforthreedays。

THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。（Stubbornly]Nomoreain’twe。

MENDOZA。[indignantly]HaveItakenmorethanmyshare？

THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[unmoved]Whyshouldyou？

THEANARCHIST。Whyshouldhenot？Toeachaccordingtohisneeds：

fromeachaccordingtohismeans。

THEFRENCHMAN。[shakinghisfistattheanarchist]Fumiste！

MENDOZA。[diplomatically]Iagreewithbothofyou。

THEGENUINELYENGLISHBRIGANDS。Hear，hear！Bravo，Mendoza！

MENDOZA。WhatIsayis，letustreatoneanotherasgentlemen，andstrivetoexcelinpersonalcourageonlywhenwetakethefield。

THEROWDYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[derisively]Shikespear。

Awhistlecomesfromthegoatherdonthehill。Hespringsupandpointsexcitedlyforwardalongtheroadtothenorth。

THEGOATHERD。Automobile！Automobile！[Herushesdownthehillandjoinstherest，whoallscrambletotheirfeet]。

MENDOZA。[inringingtones]Toarms！Whohasthegun？

THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[handingarifletoMendoza]Here。

MENDOZA。Havethenailsbeenstrewnintheroad？

THEROWDYSOCIAL—DEM0CRAT。Twoahncesofem。

MENDOZA。Good！[TotheFrenchman]Withme，Duval。Ifthenailsfail，puncturetheirtireswithabullet。[HegivestherifletoDuval，whofollowshimupthehill。Mendozaproducesanoperaglass。Theothershurryacrosstotheroadanddisappeartothenorth]。

MENDOZA。[onthehill，usinghisglass]Twoonly，acapitalistandhischauffeur。TheylookEnglish。

DUVAL。Angliche！Aohyess。Cochons！[Handlingtherifle]Fauttire，n’est—ce—pas？

MENDOZA。No：thenailshavegonehome。Theirtireisdown：theystop。

DUVAL。[shoutingtotheothers]Fondezsureux，nomdeDieu！

MENDOZA。[rebukinghisexcitement]Ducalme，Duval：keepyourhairon。Theytakeitquietly。Letusdescendandreceivethem。

Mendozadescends，passingbehindthefireandcomingforward，whilstTannerandStraker，intheirmotoringgoggles，leathercoats，andcaps，areledinfromtheroadbybrigands。

TANNER。Isthisthegentlemanyoudescribeasyourboss？DoeshespeakEnglish？

THEROWDYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。Coursehedoes。Y’don’tsuppowzweHinglishmenletsahrselvesbebossedbyabloominSpenniard，doyou？

MENDOZA。[withdignity]Allowmetointroducemyself：Mendoza，PresidentoftheLeagueoftheSierra！[Posingloftily]Iamabrigand：Ilivebyrobbingtherich。

TANNER。[promptly]Iamagentleman：Ilivebyrobbingthepoor。

Shakehands。

THEENGLISHSOCIAL—DEMOCRATS。Hear，hear！

Generallaughterandgoodhumor。TannerandMendozashakehands。

TheBrigandsdropintotheirformerplacesSTRAKER。Ere！wheredoIcomein？

TANNER。[introducing]Myfriendandchauffeur。

THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[suspiciously]Well，whichishe？

friendorshow—foor？Itmakesallthedifferenceyouknow。

MENDOZA。[explaining]Weshouldexpectransomforafriend。A

professionalchauffeurisfreeofthemountains。Heeventakesatriflingpercentageofhisprincpal’sransomifhewillhonorusbyacceptingit。

STRAKER。Isee。Justtoencouragemetocomethiswayagain。

Well，I’llthinkaboutit。

DUVAL。[impulsivelyrushingacrosstoStraker]Monfrere！[Heembraceshimrapturouslyandkisseshimonbothcheeks]。

STRAKER。[disguested]Ere，gitout：don’tbesilly。Whoareyou，pray？

DUVAL。Duval：Social—Democrat。

STRAKER。Oh，you’reaSocial—Democrat，areyou？

THEANARCHIST。Hemeansthathehassoldouttotheparliamentaryhumbugsandthebourgeoisie。Compromise！thatishisfaith。

DUVAL。[furiously]Iunderstandwhathesay。HesayBourgeois。HesayCompromise。Jamaisdelavie！Miserablementeur——

STRAKER。Seehere，CaptainMendoza，owmuchothissortothingdoyouputupwithhere？Areweavinapleasuretripinthemountains，orareweataSocialistmeetin？

THEMAJORITY。Hear，hear！Shutup。Chuckit。Sitdown，etc。etc。

[TheSocial—DemocratsandtheAnarchistarehurtledintothebackground。Straker，aftersuperintendingthisproceedingwithsatisfaction，placeshimselfonMendoza’sleft，Tannerbeingonhisright]。

MENDOZA。Canweofferyouanything？Broiledrabbitandpricklypears——

TANNER。Thankyou：wehavedined。

MENDOZA。[tohisfollowers]Gentlemen：businessisoverfortheday。Goasyoupleaseuntilmorning。

TheBrigandsdisperseintogroupslazily。Somegointothecave。

Otherssitdownorliedowntosleepintheopen。Afewproduceapackofcardsandmoveofftowardstheroad；foritisnowstarlight；andtheyknowthatmotorcarshavelampswhichcanbeturnedtoaccountforlightingacardparty。

STRAKER。[callingafterthem]Don’tnoneofyougofoolingwiththatcar，d’yehear？

MENDOZA。Nofear，MonsieurleChauffeur。Thefirstonewecapturedcuredusofthat。

STRAKER。[interested]Whatdiditdo？

MENDOZA。Itcarriedthreebravecomradesofours，whodidnotknowhowtostopit，intoGranada，andcapsizedthemoppositethepolicestation。Sincethenwenevertouchonewithoutsendingforthechauffeur。Shallwechatatourease？

TANNER。Byallmeans。

Tanner，Mendoza，andStrakersitdownontheturfbythefire。

Mendozadelicatelywaiveshispresidentialdignity，ofwhichtherighttositonthesquaredstoneblockistheappanage，bysittingonthegroundlikehisguests，andusingthestoneonlyasasupportforhisback。

MENDOZA。ItisthecustominSpainalwaystoputoffbusinessuntilto—morrow。Infact，youhavearrivedoutofofficehours。

However，ifyouwouldprefertosettlethequestionofransomatonce，Iamatyourservice。

TANNER。To—morrowwilldoforme。Iamrichenoughtopayanythinginreason。

MENDOZA。[respectfully，muchstruckbythisadmission]Youarearemarkableman，sir。Ourguestsusuallydescribethemselvesasmiserablypoor。

TANNER。Pooh！Miserablypoorpeopledon’townmotorcars。

MENDOZA。Preciselywhatwesaytothem。

TANNER。Treatuswell：weshallnotproveungrateful。

STRAKER。Nopricklypearsandbroiledrabbits，youknow。Don’ttellmeyoucan’tdousabitbetterthanthatifyoulike。

MENDOZA。Wine，kids，milk，cheeseandbreadcanbeprocuredforreadymoney。

STRAKER。[graciously]Nowyou’retalking。

TANNER。AreyouallSocialistshere，mayIask？

MENDOZA。[repudiatingthishumiliatingmisconception]Ohno，no，no：nothingofthekind，Iassureyou。Wenaturallyhavemodernviewsastothejusticeoftheexistingdistributionofwealth：

otherwiseweshouldloseourself—respect。Butnothingthatyoucouldtakeexceptionto，excepttwoorthreefaddists。

TANNER。Ihadnointentionofsuggestinganythingdiscreditable。

Infact，IamabitofaSocialistmyself。

STRAKER。[drily]Mostrichmenare，Inotice。

MENDOZA。Quiteso。Ithasreachedus，Iadmit。Itisintheairofthecentury。

STRAKER。Socialismmustbelookingupabitifyourchapsaretakingtoit。

MENDOZA。Thatistrue，sir。Amovementwhichisconfinedtophilosophersandhonestmencanneverexerciseanyrealpoliticalinfluence：therearetoofewofthem。Untilamovementshowsitselfcapableofspreadingamongbrigands，itcanneverhopeforapoliticalmajority。

TANNER。Butareyourbrigandsanylesshonestthanordinarycitizens？

MENDOZA。Sir：Iwillbefrankwithyou。Brigandageisabnormal。

Abnormalprofessionsattracttwoclasses：thosewhoarenotgoodenoughforordinarybourgeoislifeandthosewhoaretoogoodforit。Wearedregsandscum，sir：thedregsveryfilthy，thescumverysuperior。

STRAKER。Takecare！someothedregs’llhearyou。

MENDOZA。Itdoesnotmatter：eachbrigandthinkshimselfscum，andlikestoheartheotherscalleddregs。

TANNER。Come！youareawit。[Mendozainclineshishead，flattered]。Mayoneaskyouabluntquestion？

MENDOZA。Asbluntasyouplease。

TANNER。Howdoesitpayamanofyourtalenttoshepherdsuchaflockasthisonbroiledrabbitandpricklypears？Ihaveseenmenlessgifted，andI’llswearlesshonest，suppingattheSavoyonfoiegrasandchampagne。

MENDOZA。Pooh！theyhaveallhadtheirturnatthebroiledrabbit，justasIshallhavemyturnattheSavoy。Indeed，Ihavehadaturntherealready——aswaiter。

TANNER。Awaiter！Youastonishme！

MENDOZA。[reflectively]Yes：I，MendozaoftheSierra，wasawaiter。Hence，perhaps，mycosmopolitanism。[Withsuddenintensity]ShallItellyouthestoryofmylife？

STRAKER。[apprehensively]Ifitain’ttoolong，oldchap——

TANNER。[interruptinghim]Tsh—sh：youareaPhilistine，Henry：

youhavenoromanceinyou。[ToMendoza]Youinterestmeextremely，President。NevermindHenry：hecangotosleep。

MENDOZA。ThewomanIloved——

STRAKER。Oh，thisisalovestory，isit？Rightyouare。Goon：I

wasonlyafraidyouweregoingtotalkaboutyourself。

MENDOZA。Myself！Ihavethrownmyselfawayforhersake：thatiswhyIamhere。Nomatter：Icounttheworldwelllostforher。

Shehad，Ipledgeyoumyword，themostmagnificentheadofhairIeversaw。Shehadhumor；shehadintellect；shecouldcooktoperfection；andherhighlystrungtemperamentmadeheruncertain，incalculable，variable，capricious，cruel，inaword，enchanting。

STRAKER。Asixshillinnovelsortowoman，allbutthecookin。ErnamewasLadyGladysPlantagenet，wasn’tit？

MENDOZA。No，sir：shewasnotanearl’sdaughter。Photography，reproducedbythehalf—toneprocess，hasmademefamiliarwiththeappearanceofthedaughtersoftheEnglishpeerage；andIcanhonestlysaythatIwouldhavesoldthelot，faces，dowries，clothes，titles，andall，forasmilefromthiswoman。Yetshewasawomanofthepeople，aworker：otherwise——letmereciprocateyourbluntness——Ishouldhavescornedher。

TANNER。Veryproperly。Anddidsherespondtoyourlove？

MENDOZA。ShouldIbehereifshedid？SheobjectedtomarryaJew。

TANNER。Onreligiousgrounds？

MENDOZA。No：shewasafreethinker。ShesaidthateveryJewconsidersinhisheartthatEnglishpeoplearedirtyintheirhabits。

TANNER。[surprised]Dirty！

MENDOZA。Itshowedherextraordinaryknowledgeoftheworld；foritisundoubtedlytrue。OurelaboratesanitarycodemakesusundulycontemptuousoftheGentile。

TANNER。Didyoueverhearthat，Henry？

STRAKER。I’veheardmysistersayso。ShewascookinaJewishfamilyonce。

MENDOZA。Icouldnotdenyit；neithercouldIeradicatetheimpressionitmadeonhermind。Icouldhavegotroundanyotherobjection；butnowomancanstandasuspicionofindelicacyastoherperson。Myentreatieswereinvain：shealwaysretortedthatshewasn’tgoodenoughforme，andrecommendedmetomarryanaccursedbarmaidnamedRebeccaLazarus，whomIloathed。Italkedofsuicide：sheofferedmeapacketofbeetlepoisontodoitwith。Ihintedatmurder：shewentintohysterics；andasIamalivingmanIwenttoAmericasothatshemightsleepwithoutdreamingthatIwasstealingupstairstocutherthroat。InAmericaIwentoutwestandfellinwithamanwhowaswantedbythepoliceforholdinguptrains。Itwashewhohadtheideaofholdingupmotorscars——intheSouthofEurope：awelcomeideatoadesperateanddisappointedman。Hegavemesomevaluableintroductionstocapitalistsoftherightsort。Iformedasyndicate；andthepresententerpriseistheresult。Ibecameleader，astheJewalwaysbecomesleader，byhisbrainsandimagination。ButwithallmyprideofraceIwouldgiveeverythingIpossesstobeanEnglishman。Iamlikeaboy：Icuthernameonthetreesandherinitialsonthesod。WhenIamaloneIliedownandtearmywretchedhairandcryLouisa——

STRAKER。[startled]Louisa！

MENDOZA。Itishername——Louisa——LouisaStraker——

TANNER。Straker！

STRAKER。[scramblinguponhiskneesmostindignantly]Lookhere：

LouisaStrakerismysister，see？Wotdoyoumeanbygassinaboutherlikethis？Wotshegottodowithyou？

MENDOZA。Adramaticcoincidence！YouareEnry，herfavoritebrother！

STRAKER。OoareyoucallinEnry？Whatcallhaveyoutotakealibertywithmynameorwithhers？FortwopinsI’dpunchyourfated，soIwould。

MENDOZA。[withgrandiosecalm]IfIletyoudoit，willyoupromisetobragofitafterwardstoher？ShewillberemindedofherMendoza：thatisallIdesire。

TANNER。Thisisgenuinedevotion，Henry。Youshouldrespectit。

STRAKER。[fiercely]Funk，morelikely。

MENDOZA。[springingtohisfeet]Funk！Youngman：Icomeofafamousfamilyoffighters；andasyoursisterwellknows，youwouldhaveasmuchchanceagainstmeasaperambulatoragainstyourmotorcar。

STRAKER。[secretlydaunted，butrisingfromhiskneeswithanairofrecklesspugnacity]Iain’tafraidofyou。WithyourLouisa！

Louisa！MissStrakerisgoodenoughforyou，Ishouldthink。

MENDOZA。Iwishyoucouldpersuadehertothinkso。

STRAKER。[exasperated]Here——

TANNER。[risingquicklyandinterposing]Ohcome，Henry：evenifyoucouldfightthePresidentyoucan’tfightthewholeLeagueoftheSierra。Sitdownagainandbefriendly。Acatmaylookataking；andevenaPresidentofbrigandsmaylookatyoursister。

Allthisfamilyprideisreallyveryoldfashioned。

STRAKER。[subdued，butgrumbling]Lethimlookather。Butwotdoeshemeanbymakinoutthatsheeverlookedatim？

[Reluctantlyresuminghiscouchontheturf]Earhimtalk，oneudthinkshewaskeepincompanywithhim。[Heturnshisbackonthemandcomposeshimselftosleep]。