第4章

"Nowdon’tlet’sgetfeverish，"Fattysaid，droppinghisownweapon。"Wearen’tscum。We’regentlemen。Let’sdrinklikegentlemen。"

"Letitbearealdrinking，"Whiskersapproved。

"Let’sgetpetrified，"Slimagreed。"Manyadistillery’sflowedunderthebridgesinceweweregentlemen;butlet’sforgetthelongroadwe’vetravelledsince，andhitourdossinthegoodoldfashioninwhicheverygentlemanwenttobedwhenwewereyoung。"

"Myfatherdoneit-didit，"Fattyconcurredandcorrected，asoldrecollectionsexplodedlong-sealedbrain-cellsofconnotationandcorrectusage。

Theothertwonoddedadescentfromsimilarfathers，andelevatedtheirtincansofalcohol。

Bythetimeeachhadfinishedhisownbottleandfromhisragsfishedforthasecondone，theirbrainswerewell-mellowedanda-

glow，althoughtheyhadnotgotaroundtotellingtheirrealnames。

ButtheirEnglishhadimproved。Theyspokeitcorrectly，whiletheargooftramp-landceasedfromtheirlips。

"It’smyconstitution，"Whiskerswasexplaining。"VeryfewmencouldgothroughwhatIhaveandlivetotellthetale。AndI

nevertookanycareofmyself。Ifwhatthemoralistsandthephysiologistssayweretrue，I’dhavebeendeadlongago。Andit’sthesamewithyoutwo。Lookatus，atouradvancedyears，carousingastheyoungonesdon’tdare，sleepingoutintheopenontheground，nevershelteredfromfrostnorrainnorstorm，neverafraidofpneumoniaorrheumatismthatwouldputhalftheyoungonesontheirbacksinhospital。"

Hebrokeofftomixanotherdrink，andFattytookupthetale。

"Andwe’vehadourfun，"heboasted，"andspeakingofsweetheartsandall，"hecribbedfromKipling，"’We’veroguedandwe’veranged-’"

"’Inourtime，’"Slimcompletedthecribforhim。

"Ishouldsayso，Ishouldsayso，"Fattyconfirmed。"Andbeenlovedbyprincesses-atleastIhave。"

"Goonandtellusaboutit，"Whiskersurged。"Thenight’syoung，andwhyshouldn’twerememberbacktotheroofsofkings？"

Nothingloth，Fattyclearedhisthroatfortherecitalandcastaboutinhismindforthebestwaytobegin。

"ItmustbeknownthatIcameofgoodfamily。PercivalDelaney，letussay，yes，letussayPercivalDelaney，wasnotunknownatOxfordonceuponatime-notforscholarship，Iamfranktoadmit;

butthegayyoungdogsofthatday，ifanybeyetalive，wouldrememberhim-"

"MypeoplecameoverwiththeConqueror，"Whiskersinterrupted，extendinghishandtoFatty’sinacknowledgmentoftheintroduction。

"Whatname？"Fattyqueried。"Ididnotseemquitetocatchit。"

"Delarouse，ChaunceyDelarouse。Thenamewillserveaswellasany。"

BothcompletedthehandshakeandglancedtoSlim。

"Oh，well，whilewe’reaboutit……"Fattyurged。

"BruceCadoganCavendish，"Slimgrowledmorosely。"Goon，Percival，withyourprincessesandtheroofsofkings。"

"Oh，Iwasarareyoungdevil，"Percivalobliged，"afterIplayedducksanddrakesathomeandsportedoutovertheworld。AndIwassomefigureofamanbeforeIlostmyshape-polo，steeple-

chasing，boxing。IwonmedalsatbuckjumpinginAustralia，andI

heldmorethanseveralswimmingrecordsfromthequarterofamileup。WomenturnedtheirheadstolookwhenIwentby。Thewomen！

Godblessthem！"

AndFatty，aliasPercivalDelaney，agrotesqueofmanhood，puthisbulgyhandtohispuffedlipsandkissedaudiblyintothestarryvaultofthesky。

"AndthePrincess！"heresumed，withanotherkisstothestars。

"ShewasasfineafigureofawomanasIwasaman，ashigh-

spiritedandcourageous，asrecklessanddare-devilish。Lord，Lord，inthewatershewasamermaid，asea-goddess。Andwhenitcametoblood，besideherIwasparvenu。Herroyallinetracedbackintothemistsofantiquity。

"Shewasnotadaughterofafair-skinnedfolk。Tawnygoldenwasshe，withgolden-browneyes，andherhairthatfelltoherkneeswasblue-blackandstraight，withjustthecurlytendrillytendencythatgivestowoman’shairitscharm。Oh，therewerenokinksinit，anymorethanweretherekinksinthehairofherentiregenealogy。ForshewasPolynesian，glowing，golden，lovelyandlovable，royalPolynesian。"

Againhepausedtokisshishandtothememoryofher，andSlim，aliasBruceCadoganCavendish，tookadvantagetointerject：

"Huh！Maybeyoudidn’tshineinscholarship，butatleastyougleanedavocabularyoutofOxford。"

"AndintheSouthSeasgarneredabettervocabularyfromthelexiconofLove，"Percivalwasquickontheuptake。

"ItwastheislandofTalofa，"hewenton，"meaninglove，theIsleofLove，anditwasherisland。Herfather，theking，anoldman，satonhismatswithparalysedkneesanddranksquarefaceginalldayandmostofthenight，outofgrief，sheergrief。She，myprincess，wastheonlyissue，herbrotherhavingbeenlostintheirdoublecanoeinahurricanewhilecomingupfromavoyagetoSamoa。

AndamongthePolynesianstheroyalwomenhaveequalrightwiththementorule。Infact，theytracetheirgenealogiesalwaysbythefemaleline。"

TothisbothChaunceyDelarouseandBruceCadoganCavendishnoddedpromptaffirmation。

"Ah，"saidPercival，"IperceiveyoubothknowtheSouthSeas，wherefore，withoutundueexpenditureofverbiageonmypart，Iamassuredthatyouwillappreciatethecharmofmyprincess，thePrincessTui-nuiofTalofa，thePrincessoftheIsleofLove。"

Hekissedhishandtoher，sippedfromhiscondensedmilkcanaman-sizedrinkofdruggist’salcohol，andtoheragainkissedherhand。

"Butshewascoy，andeversheflutteredneartomebutnevernearenough。Whenmyarmwentouttohertogirdleher，presto，shewasnotthere。Iknew，asneverbefore，norsince，thethousanddearanddelightfulanguishesoflovefrustratedbuteverresilientandbeckonedonbytheverygoddessoflove。"

"Somevocabulary，"BruceCadoganCavendishmutteredinasidetoChaunceyDelarouse。ButPercivalDelaneywasnottobedeterred。

Hekissedhispudgyhandaloftintothenightandheldwarmlyon。

"NofondagoniesofrapturedeferredthatwerenotlavisheduponmebymydearPrincess，herselfeveraluringdelightofpromiseflittingjustbeyondmyreach。Everysweetlover’sinfernounguessedofbyDantesheledmethrough。Ah！Thoseswooningtropicnights，underourpalmtrees，thedistantsurfalangourousmurmurasfromsomevastseashellofmystery，whenshe，myPrincess，allbutmeltedtomyyearning，andwithherlaughter，thatwasassilverstringsbybudsandblossomssmitten，allbutmadelunacyofmylover’sardency。

"ItwasbymywrestlingwiththechampionsofTalofathatIfirstinterestedher。ItwasbymyprowessatswimmingthatIawokeher。

AnditwasbyacertainswimmingdeedthatIwonfromhermorethancoquettishsmilesandshytimiditiesoffeignedretreat。

"Weweresquiddingthatday，outonthereef-youknowhow，undoubtedly，divingdownthefaceofthewallofthereef，fivefathoms，tenfathoms，anydepthwithinreason，andshovingoursquid-sticksintothelikelyholesandcranniesofthecoralwheresquidmightbelairing。Withthesquid-stick，bluntlysharpatbothends，perhapsafootlong，andheldcrosswiseinthehand，thetrickwastogougeanylazyingsquiduntilheclosedhistentaclesaroundfist，stickandarm-Thenyouhadhim，andcametothesurfacewithhim，andhithimintheheadwhichisinthecentreofhim，andpeeledhimoffintothewaitingcanoe……AndtothinkIusedtodothat！"

PercivalDelaneypausedamoment，aglimmerofaweonhisrotundface，ashecontemplatedthemightypictureofhisyouth。

"Why，I’vepulledoutasquidwithtentacleseightfeetlong，anddoneitunderfiftyfeetofwater。Icouldstaydownfourminutes。

I’vegonedown，withacoral-rocktosinkme，inahundredandtenfeettoclearafouledanchor。AndIcouldback-divewithaonce-

overandgoinfeet-firstfromeightyfeetabovethesurface-"

"Quitit，deleteit，ceaseit，"ChaunceyDelarouseadmonishedtestily。"TellofthePrincess。That’swhatmakesoldbloodleapagain。AlmostcanIseeher。Wasshewonderful？"

PercivalDelaneykissedunutterableaffirmation。

"Ihavesaidshewasamermaid。Shewas。Iknowsheswamthirty-

sixhoursbeforebeingrescued，afterherschoonerwascapsizedinadouble-squall。Ihaveseenherdoninetyfeetandbringuppearlshellineachhand。Shewaswonderful。Asawomanshewasravishing，sublime。Ihavesaidshewasasea-goddess。Shewas。

Oh，foraPhidiasoraPraxitelestohavemadethewonderofherbodyimmortal！

"Andthatday，outforsquidonthereef，Iwasalmostsickforher。Mad-IknowIwasmadforher。Wewouldstepoverthesidefromthebigcanoe，andswimdown，sidebyside，intothedeliciousdepthsofcoolandcolour，andshewouldlookatme，asweswam，andwithhereyestantalizemetofurthermadness。Andatlast，down，fardown，Ilostmyselfandreachedforher。Sheeludedmelikethemermaidshewas，andIsawthelaughteronherfaceasshefled。Shefleddeeper，andIknewIhadherforIwasbetweenherandthesurface;butinthemuckcoralsandofthebottomshemadeachurningwithhersquidstick。Itwastheoldtricktoescapeashark。Andsheworkeditonme，rollingthewatersothatIcouldnotseeher。AndwhenIcameup，shewasthereaheadofme，clingingtothesideofthecanoeandlaughing。

"AlmostIwouldnotbedenied。Butnotfornothingwassheaprincess。Sherestedherhandonmyarmandcompelledmetolisten。Weshouldplayagame，shesaid，enterintoacompetitionforwhichshouldgetthemoresquid，thebiggestsquid，andthesmallestsquid。Sincethewagerswerekisses，youcanwellimagineIwentdownonthefirstnextdivewithsoulaflame。

"Igotnosquid。NeveragaininallmylifehaveIdivedforsquid。Perhapswewerefivefathomsdownandexploringthefaceofthereefwallforlurkingplacesofourprey，whenithappened。I

hadfoundalikelylairandjustproveditempty，whenIfeltorsensedthenearnessofsomethinginimical。Iturned。Thereitwas，alongsideofme，andnomerefish-shark。Fullyadozenfeetinlength，withtheunmistakablephosphorescentcat’seyegleaminglikeadrowningstar，Iknewitforwhatitwas，atigershark。

"Nottenfeettotheright，probingacoralfissurewithhersquidstick，wasthePrincess，andthetigersharkwasheadingdirectlyforher。Mytotalityofthoughtwasprecipitatedtoconsciousnessinasingleall-embracingflash。Theman-eatermustbedeflectedfromher，andwhatwasI，exceptamadloverwhowouldgladlyfightanddie，ormoregladlyfightandlive，forhisbeloved？Remember，shewasthewomanwonderful，andIwasaflameforher。

"Knowingfullytheperilofmyact，Ithrusttheblunt-sharpendofmysquid-stickintothesideoftheshark，muchasonewouldattractapassingacquaintancewithathumb-nudgeintheribs。Andtheman-eaterturnedonme。YouknowtheSouthSeas，andyouknowthatthetigershark，likethebald-facegrizzlyofAlaska，nevergivestrail。Thecombat，fathomsdeepunderthesea，wason-ifbycombatmaybenamedsuchaone-sidedstruggle。

"ThePrincessunaware，caughthersquidandrosetothesurface。

Theman-eaterrushedme。Ifendedhimoffwithbothhandsonhisnoseabovehisthousand-toothedopenmouth，sothathebackedmeagainstthesharpcoral。Thescarsaretheretothisday。

WheneverItriedtorise，herushedme，andIcouldnotremaindownthereindefinitelywithoutair。Wheneverherushedme，Ifendedhimoffwithmyhandsonhisnose。AndIwouldhaveescapedunharmed，exceptfortheslipofmyrighthand。Intohismouthitwenttotheelbow。Hisjawsclosed，justbelowtheelbow。Youknowhowashark’steethare。Onceintheycannotbereleased。

Theymustgothroughtocompletethebite，buttheycannotgothroughheavybone。So，fromjustbelowtheelbowhestrippedthebonecleantothearticulationofthewrist-joint，wherehisteethmetandmygoodrighthandbecamehisforanappetizer。

"Butwhilehewasdoingthis，Idrovethethumbofmylefthand，tothehiltintohiseye-orificeandpoppedouthiseye。Thisdidnotstophim。Themeathadmaddenedhim。Hepursuedthegushingstumpofmywrist。HalfadozentimesIfendedwithmyintactarm。Thenhegotthepoormangledarmagain，closeddown，andstrippedthemeatoffthebonefromtheshoulderdowntotheelbow-joint，wherehisteethmetandhewasfreeofhissecondmouthfulofme。But，atthesametime，withmygoodarm，Ithumbedouthisremainingeye。"

PercivalDelaneyshruggedhisshoulders，ereheresumed。

"Fromabove，thoseinthecanoehadbeheldtheentirehappeningandwereloudinpraiseofmydeed。Tothisdaytheystillsingthesongofme，andtellthetaleofme。AndthePrincess。"Hispausewasbriefbutsignificant。"ThePrincessmarriedme……Oh，well-a-dayandlack-a-day，thewhirligigoftimeandfortune，thetopsyturvinessofluck，thewoodenshoegoingupandthepolishedheeldescendingaFrenchgunboat，aconqueredislandkingdomofOceania，to-dayruledoverbyapeasant-born，unlettered，colonialgendarme，and……"

Hecompletedthesentenceandthetalebyburyinghisfaceinthedown-tiltedmouthofthecondensedmilkcanandbygurglingthecorrosivedrinkdownhisthroatinthirstygulps。

Afteranappropriatepause，ChaunceyDelarouse，otherwiseWhiskers，tookupthetale。

"FarbeitfrommetoboastofnomatterwhatplaceofbirthIhavedescendedfromtositherebythisfirewithsuchas……aschancealong。Imaysay，however，thatI，too，wasonceaconsiderablefigureofaman。Imayaddthatitwashorses，plusparentstooindulgent，thatexiledmeoutovertheworld。Imaystillwondertoquery：’AreDover’scliffsstillwhite？’"

"Huh！"BruceCadoganCavendishsneered。"Nextyou’llbeasking：

’HowfarestheoldLordWarden？’"

"AndItookeveryliberty，andvainly，withaconstitutionthatwasiron，"Whiskershurriedon。"HereIamwithmythreescoreandtenbehindme，andbackonthatlongroadhaveIburiedmanyayoungsterthatwasasrareanddevilishasI，butwhocouldnotstandthepace。Iknewtheworsttooyoung。AndnowIknowtheworsttooold。Buttherewasatime，alasalltooshort，whenI

knew，thebest。

"I，too，kissmyhandtothePrincessofmyheart。Shewastrulyaprincess，Polynesian，athousandmilesandmoreawaytotheeastwardandthesouthfromDelaney’sIsleofLove。ThenativesofallaroundthatpartoftheSouthSeascalledittheJollyIsland。

Theirownname，thenameofthepeoplewhodweltthereon，translatesdelicatelyandjustlyinto’TheIslandofTranquilLaughter。’OnthechartyouwillfindtheerroneousnamegiventoitbytheoldnavigatorstobeManatomana。TheseafaringgentrytheroundoceanaroundcalledittheAdamlessEden。AndthemissionariesforatimecalleditGod’sWitness-sogreathadbeentheirsuccessatconvertingtheinhabitants。Asforme，itwas，andevershallbe，Paradise。

"ItwasMYParadise，foritwastheremyPrincesslived。JohnAsibeliTungiwasking。Hewasfull-bloodednative，descendedoutoftheoldestandhighestchief-stockthattracedbacktoManuawhichwastheprimevalseahomeoftherace。AlsowasheknownasJohntheApostate。Helivedalonglifeandapostasizedfrequently。FirstconvertedbytheCatholics，hethrewdowntheidols，brokethetabus，cleanedoutthenativepriests，executedafewoftherecalcitrantones，andsentallhissubjectstochurch。

"Nexthefellforthetraders，whodevelopedinhimachampagnethirst，andheshippedofftheCatholicprieststoNewZealand。

Thegreatmajorityofhissubjectsalwaysfollowedhislead，and，havingnoreligionatall，ensuedthetimeoftheGreatLicentiousness，whenbyallSouthSeasmissionarieshisisland，insermons，wasspokenofasBabylon。

"Butthetradersruinedhisdigestionwithtoomuchchampagne，andafterseveralyearshefellfortheGospelaccordingtotheMethodists，senthispeopletochurch，andcleanedupthebeachandthetradingcrowdsospickandspanthathewouldnotpermitthemtosmokeapipeoutofdoorsonSunday，and，finedoneofthechieftradersonehundredgoldsovereignsforwashinghisschooner’sdecksontheSabbathmorn。

"ThatwasthetimeoftheBlueLaws，butperhapsitwastoorigorousforKingJohn。OffhepackedtheMethodists，onefineday，exiledseveralhundredofhispeopletoSamoaforstickingtoMethodism，and，ofallthings，inventedareligionofhisown，withhimselfthefigure-headofworship。InthishewasaidedandabettedbyarenegadeFijian。Thislastedfiveyears。MaybehegrewtiredofbeingGod，ormaybeitwasbecausetheFijiandecampedwiththesixthousandpoundsintheroyaltreasury;butatanyratetheSecondReformedWesleyansgothim，andhisentirekingdomwentWesleyan。ThepioneerWesleyanmissionaryheactuallymadeprimeminister，andwhathedidtothetradingcrowdwasacaution。Why，intheend，KingJohn’skingdomwasblacklistedandboycottedbythetraderstilltherevenuesdiminishedtozero，thepeoplewentbankrupt，andKingJohncouldn’tborrowashillingfromhismostpowerfulchief。

"Bythistimehewasgettingold，andphilosophic，andtolerant，andspirituallyatavistic。HefiredouttheSecondReformedWesleyans，calledbacktheexilesfromSamoa，invitedinthetraders，heldagenerallove-feast，tookthelidoff，proclaimedreligiouslibertyandhightariff，andasforhimselfwentbacktotheworshipofhisancestors，duguptheidols，reinstatedafewoctogenarianpriests，andobservedthetabus。Allofwhichwaslovelyforthetraders，andprosperityreigned。Ofcourse，mostofhissubjectsfollowedhimbackintoheathenworship。YetquiteasprinklingofCatholics，MethodistsandWesleyansremainedtruetotheirbeliefsandmanagedtomaintainafewsqualid，one-horsechurches。ButKingJohndidn’tmind，anymorethandidhethehightimesofthetradersalongthebeach。Everythingwent，solongasthetaxeswerepaid。Evenwhenhiswife，QueenMamare，electedtobecomeaBaptist，andinvitedinalittle，weazened，sweet-

spirited，club-footedBaptistmissionary，KingJohndidnotobject。

Allheinsistedonwasthatthesewanderingreligionsshouldbeself-supportingandnotfeedapennyworth’soutoftheroyalcoffers。

"Andnowthethreadsofmyrecitaldrawtogetherintheparagonoffemaleexquisiteness-myPrincess。"

Whiskerspaused，placedcarefullyonthegroundhishalf-fullcondensedmilkcanwithwhichhehadbeenabsentlytoying，andkissedthefingersofhisonehandaudiblyaloft。

"ShewasthedaughterofQueenMamare。Shewasthewomanwonderful。UnliketheDianatypeofPolynesian，shewasalmostethereal。SheWASethereal，sublimatedbypurity，asshyandmodestasaviolet，asfragile-slenderasalily，andhereyes，luminousandshrinkingtender，wereasasphodelsontheswardofheaven。Shewasallflower，andfire，anddew。Herswasthesweetnessofthemountainrose，thegentlenessofthedove。Andshewasallofgoodaswellasallofbeauty，devoutinherbeliefinhermother’sworship，whichwastheworshipintroducedbyEbenezerNaismith，theBaptistmissionary。Butmakenomistake。

ShewasnomeresweetspiritripeforthebosomofAbraham。Allofexquisitedeliciousnessofwomanwasshe。Shewaswoman，allwoman，tothelastsensitivequiveringatomofher-

"AndI？Iwasawastrelofthebeach。ThewildestwasnotsowildasI，thekeenestnotsokeen，ofallthatwild，keentradingcrowd。ItwasesteemedIplayedthestiffesthandofpoker。Iwastheonlylivingman，white，brown，orblack，whodaredruntheKuni-kuniPassageinthedark。AndonablacknightIhavedoneitunderreefsinagaleofwind。Well，anyway，Ihadabadreputationonabeachwheretherewerenogoodreputations。Iwasreckless，dangerous，stoppedatnothinginfightorfrolic;andthetradingcaptainsusedtobringboiler-sheetedprodigiesfromthevilestholesoftheSouthPacifictotryanddrinkmeunderthetable。Irememberone，acalcinedScotchmanfromtheNewHebrides。

Itwasagreatdrinking。Hediedofit，andweladedhimaboardship，pickledinacaskoftraderum，andsenthimbacktohisownplace。Asample，afairsample，oftheantictrickswecutuponthebeachofManatomana。

"Andofallunthinkablethings，whatdidIupanddo，oneday，butlookuponthePrincesstofindhergoodandtofallinlovewithher。Itwastherealthing。IwasasmadasaMarchhare，andafterthatIgotonlymadder。Ireformed。Thinkofthat！Thinkofwhataslipofawomancandotoabusy，rovingman！-BytheLordHarry，it’strue。Ireformed。Iwenttochurch。Hearme！I

becameconverted。IclearedmysoulbeforeGodandkeptmyhands-

Ihadtwothen-offtheribaldcrewofthebeachwhenitlaughedatthis，mylatestantic，andwantedtoknowwhatwasmygame。

"ItellyouIreformed，andgavemyselfinpassionandsinceritytoareligiousexperiencethathasmademetolerantofallreligioneversince。Idischargedmybestcaptainforimmorality。SodidI

mycook，andabetterneverboiledwaterinManatomana。ForthesamereasonIdischargedmychiefclerk。AndforthefirsttimeinthehistoryoftradingmyschoonerstothewestwardcarriedBiblesintheirstock。Ibuiltalittleanchoritebungalowuptownonamango-linedstreetsquarelyalongsidethelittlehouseoccupiedbyEbenezerNaismith。AndImadehimmypalandcomrade，andfoundhimaveritablehoneypotofsweetnessesandgoodnesses。Andhewasaman，throughandthroughaman。Andhediedlongafterlikeaman，whichIwouldliketotellyouabout，werethetaleofitnotsodeservedlylong。

"ItwasthePrincess，morethanthemissionary，whowasresponsibleformyexpressingmyfaithinworks，andespeciallyinthatcrowningwork，theNewChurch，OurChurch，theQueen-mother’schurch。

"’Ourpoorchurch，’shesaidtome，onenightafterprayer-meeting。

Ihadbeenconvertedonlyafortnight。’Itissosmallitscongregationcannevergrow。Andtheroofleaks。AndKingJohn，myhard-heartedfather，willnotcontributeapenny。Yethehasabigbalanceinthetreasury。AndManatomanaisnotpoor。Muchmoneyismadeandsquandered，Iknow。Ihearthegossipofthewildwaysofthebeach。Lessthanamonthagoyoulostmoreinonenight，gamblingatcards，thanthecostoftheupkeepofourpoorchurchforayear。’

"AndItoldheritwastrue，butthatitwasbeforeIhadseenthelight。（I’dhadaninfernalrunofbadluck。）ItoldherIhadnottastedliquorsince，norturnedacard。Itoldherthattheroofwouldberepairedatonce，byChristiancarpentersselectedbyherfromthecongregation。ButshewasfilledwiththethoughtofagreatrevivalthatEbenezerNaismithcouldpreach-shewasadearsaint-andshespokeofagreatchurch，saying：

"’Youarerich。Youhavemanyschooners，andtradersinfarislands，andIhaveheardofagreatcontractyouhavesignedtorecruitlabourfortheGermanplantationsofUpolu。Theysay，nexttoSweitzer，youaretherichesttraderhere。IshouldlovetoseesomeuseofallthismoneyplacedtothegloryofGod。Itwouldbeanoblethingtodo，andIshouldbeproudtoknowthemanwhowoulddoit。’

"ItoldherthatEbenezerNaismithwouldpreachtherevival，andthatIwouldbuildachurchgreatenoughinwhichtohouseit。

"’AsbigastheCatholicchurch？’sheasked。

"Thiswastheruinedcathedral，builtatthetimewhentheentirepopulationwasconverted，anditwasalargeorder;butIwasafirewithlove，andItoldherthatthechurchIwouldbuildwouldbeevenbigger。

"’Butitwilltakemoney，’Iexplained。’Andittakestimetomakemoney。’

"’Youhavemuch，’shesaid。’Somesayyouhavemoremoneythanmyfather，theKing。

"’Ihavemorecredit，’Iexplained。’Butyoudonotunderstandmoney。Ittakesmoneytohavecredit。So，withthemoneyIhave，andthecreditIhave，Iwillworktomakemoremoneyandcredit，andthechurchshallbebuilt。’

"Work！Iwasasurprisetomyself。Itisanamazement，theamountoftimeamanfindsonhishandsafterhe’sgivenupcarousing，andgambling，andallthetime-eatingdiversionsofthebeach。AndI

didn’twasteasecondofallmynew-foundtime。InsteadIworkeditovertime。Ididtheworkofhalfadozenmen。Ibecameadriver。Mycaptainsmadefasterrunsthaneverandearnedbiggerbonuses，asdidmysupercargoes，whosawtoitthatmyschoonersdidnotloafanddawdlealongtheway。AndIsawtoitthatmysupercargoesdidseetoit。

"Andgood！BytheLordHarryIwassogoodithurt。Myconsciencegotsoexpansiveandfine-strungitlamedmeacrosstheshoulderstocarryitaroundwithme。Why，IevenwentbackovermyaccountsandpaidSweitzerfiftyquidI’djiggeredhimoutofinadealinFijithreeyearsbefore。AndIcompoundedtheinterestaswell。

"Work！Iplantedsugarcane-thefirstcommercialplantingonManatomana。Iranincargoesofkinky-headsfromMalaita，whichisintheSolomons，tillIhadtwelvehundredoftheblackbirdsputtingincane。AndIsentaschoonercleartoHawaiitobringbackadismantledsugarmillandaGermanwhosaidheknewthefield-endofcane。Andhedid，andhechargedmethreehundreddollarsscrewamonth，andItookholdofthemill-end。I

installedthemillmyself，withthehelpofseveralmechanicsI

broughtupfromQueensland。

"Ofcoursetherewasarival。HisnamewasMotomoe。HewastheveryhighestchiefbloodnexttoKingJohn’s。Hewasfullnative，astrapping，handsomeman，withagloweringwayofshowinghisdislikes。HecertainlygloweredatmewhenIbeganhangingaroundthepalace。Hewentbackinmyhistoryandcirculatedtheblackesttalesaboutme。Theworstofitwasthatmostofthemweretrue。

HeevenmadeavoyagetoApiatofindthingsout-asifhecouldn’tfindaplentyrightthereonthebeachofManatomana！Andhesneeredatmyfailingforreligion，andatmygoingtoprayer-

meeting，and，mostofall，atmysugar-planting。Hechallengedmetofight，andIkeptoffofhim。Hethreatenedme，andIlearnedinthenickoftimeofhisplantohavemeknockedonthehead。

Yousee，hewantedthePrincessjustasmuchasIdid，andIwantedhermore。

"Sheusedtoplaythepiano。SodidI，once。ButIneverletherknowafterI’dheardherplaythefirsttime。Andshethoughtherplayingwaswonderful，thedear，fondgirl！Youknowthesort，themechanicalone-two-threetum-tum-tumschool-girlstuff。AndnowI’lltellyousomethingfunnier。HerplayingWASwonderfultome。

Thegatesofheavenopenedtomewhensheplayed。Icanseemyselfnow，wornoutanddog-tiredafterthelongday，lyingonthematsofthepalaceverandaandgazinguponheratthepiano，myselfinaperfectidiocyofbliss。Why，thisideashehadofherfineplayingwastheoneflawinherdeliciousnessofperfection，andI

lovedherforit。Itkindofbroughtherwithinmyhumanreach。

Why，whensheplayedherone-two-three，tum-tum-tum，Iwasintheseventhheavenofbliss。Mywearinessfellfromme。Ilovedher，andmyloveforherwascleanasflame，cleanasmyloveforGod。

Anddoyouknow，intomyfondlover’sfancycontinuallyintrudedthethoughtthatGodinmostwaysmustlooklikeher。

"-That’sright，BruceCadoganCavendish，sneerasyoulike。ButItellyouthat’slovethatI’vebeendescribing。That’sall。

It’slove。It’stherealest，purest，finestthingthatcanhappentoaman。AndIknowwhatI’mtalkingabout。Ithappenedtome。"

Whiskers，hisbeadysquirrel’seyeglitteringfromouthisruinedeyebrowlikealivecoalinajungleambush，brokeofflongenoughtodownasedativedraughtfromhiscondensedmilkcanandtomixanother。

"Thecane，"heresumed，wipinghisprodigiousmatoffacehairwiththebackofhishand。"Itmaturedinsixteenmonthsinthatclimate，andIwasready，justreadyandnomore，withthemillforthegrinding。Naturally，itdidnotallmatureatonce，butIhadplantedinsuchsuccessionthatIcouldgrindforninemonthssteadily，whilemorewasbeingplantedandtheratoonswerespringingup。

"Ihadmytroublesthefirstseveraldays。Ifitwasn’tonethingthematterwiththemill，itwasanother。Onthefourthday，Ferguson，myengineer，hadtoshutdownseveralhoursinordertoremedyhisowntroubles。Iwasbotheredbythefeeder。Afterhavingtheniggers（whohadbeenfeedingthecane）pourcreamoflimeontherollerstokeepeverythingsweet，Isentthemouttojointhecane-cuttingsquads。SoIwasallaloneatthatend，justasFergusonstartedupthemill，justasIdiscoveredwhatwasthematterwiththefeed-rollers，andjustasMotomoestrolledup。

"Hestoodthere，inNorfolkjacket，pigskinputtees，andalltherestofthefashionableget-upoutofabandbox，sneeringatmecoveredwithfilthandgreasetotheeyebrowsandlookinglikeanavvy。And，therollersnowwhitefromthelime，I’djustseenwhatwaswrong。Therollerswerenotinplumb。Onesidecrushedthecanewell，buttheothersidewastooopen。Ishovedmyfingersinonthatside。Thebig，toothedcogsontherollersdidnottouchmyfingers。Andyet，suddenly，theydid。Withthegripoftenthousanddevils，myfinger-tipswerecaught，drawnin，andpulpedto-well，justpulp。And，likeaslickofcane，Ihadstartedonmyway。Therewasnostoppingme。Tenthousandhorsescouldnothavepulledmeback。Therewasnothingtostopme。

Hand，arm，shoulder，head，andchest，downtothetoesofme，Iwasdoomedtofeedthrough。

"Itdidhurt。Ithurtsomuchitdidnothurtmeatall。Quitedetached，almostmayIsay，Ilookedonmyhandbeinggroundup，knucklebyknuckle，jointbyjoint，thebackofthehand，thewrist，theforearm，allinorderslowlyandinevitablyfeedingin。

Oengineerhoistbythineownpetard！Osugar-makercrushedbythineowncane-crusher！

"Motomoesprangforwardinvoluntarily，andthesneerwaschasedfromhisfacebyanexpressionofsolicitude。Thenthebeautyofthesituationdawnedonhim，andhechuckledandgrinned。No，I

didn’texpectanythingofhim。Hadn’thetriedtoknockmeonthehead？Whatcouldhedoanyway？Hedidn’tknowanythingaboutengines。

"IyelledatthetopofmylungstoFergusontoshutofftheengine，buttheroarofthemachinerydrownedmyvoice。AndthereIstood，uptotheelbowandfeedingrightonin。Yes，itdidhurt。Thereweresomeastonishingtwingeswhenspecialnerveswereshreddedanddraggedoutbytheroots。ButIrememberthatIwassurprisedatthetimethatitdidnothurtworse。

"Motomoemadeamovementthatattractedmyattention。Atthesametimehegrowledoutloud，asifhehatedhimself，’I’mafool。’

Whathehaddonewastopickupacane-knife-youknowthekind，asbigasamacheteandasheavy。AndIwasgratefultohiminadvanceforputtingmeoutofmymisery。Therewasn’tanysenseinslowlyfeedingintillmyheadwascrushed，andalreadymyarmwaspulpedhalfwayfromelbowtoshoulder，andthepulpingwasgoingrighton。SoIwasgrateful，asIbentmyheadtotheblow。

"’Getyourheadoutoftheway，youidiot！’hebarkedatme。

"AndthenIunderstoodandobeyed。Iwasabigman，andhetooktwohackstodoit;buthehackedmyarmoffjustoutsidetheshoulderanddraggedmebackandlaidmedownonthecane。

"Yes，thesugarpaid-enormously;andIbuiltforthePrincessthechurchofhersaintlydream，and……shemarriedme。"

Hepartlyassuagedhisthirst，andutteredhisfinalword。

"Alackaday！Shuttlecockandbattle-dore。Andthisat，theendofitall，linedwithboilerplatethatevenalcoholwillnotcorrodeandthatonlyalcoholwilltickle。YethaveIlived，andIkissmyhandtothedeardustofmyPrincesslongasleepinthegreatmausoleumofKingJohnthatlooksacrosstheValeofManonatothealienflagthatfloatsoverthebungalowoftheBritishGovernmentHouse……"

Fattypledgedhimsympathetically，andsympatheticallydrankoutofhisownsmallcan。BruceCadoganCavendishglaredintothefirewithimplacablebitterness。Hewasamanwhopreferredtodrinkbyhimself。AcrossthethinlipsthatcomposedthecruelslashofhismouthplayedtwitchesofmockerythatcaughtFatty’seye。AndFatty，makingsurefirstthathisrock-chunkwaswithinreach，challenged。

"Well，howaboutyourself，BruceCadoganCavendish？It’syourturn。"

TheotherliftedbleakeyesthatboredintoFatty’suntilhephysicallybetrayeduncomfortableness。

"I’velivedahardlife，"Slimgratedharshly。"WhatdoIknowaboutlovepassages？"

"Nomanofyourbuildandmake-upcouldhaveescapedthem，"Fattywheedled。

"Andwhatofit？"Slimsnarled。"It’snoreasonforagentlemantoboastofamoroustriumphs。"

"Oh，goon，beagoodfellow，"Fattyurged。"Thenight’sstillyoung。We’vestillsomedrinkleft。DelarouseandIhavecontributedourshare。Itisn’toftenthatthreerealoneslikeusgettogetherforatelling。Surelyyou’vegotatleastoneadventureinloveyouaren’tashamedtotellabout-"

BruceCadoganCavendishpulledforthhisironquoitandseemedtodebatewhetherornotheshouldbraintheother。Hesighed，andputbackthequoit。

"Verywell，ifyouwillhaveit，"hesurrenderedwithmanifestreluctance。"Likeyoutwo，Ihavehadaremarkableconstitution。

Andrightnow，speakingofarmour-platelining，Icoulddrinkthebothofyoudownwhenyouwereatyourprime。Likeyoutwo，mybeginningswerefardistantanddifferent。ThatIammarkedwiththehall-markofgentlehoodthereisnodiscussion……unlesseitherofyoucaretodiscussthematternow……"

Hisonehandslippedintohispocketandclutchedthequoit。

Neitherofhisauditorsspokenorbetrayedanyawarenessofhismenace。

"ItoccurredathousandmilestothewestwardofManatomana，ontheislandofTagalag，"hecontinuedabruptly，withanairofsaturninedisappointmentinthattherehadbeennodiscussion。"ButfirstI

musttellyouofhowIgottoTagalag。ForreasonsIshallnotmention，bypathsofdescentIshallnotdescribe，inthecrownofmymanhoodandtheprimeofmydevilishnessinwhichOxfordrenegadesandracingyoungersonshadnothingonme，Ifoundmyselfmasterandownerofaschoonersowellknownthatsheshallremainhistoricallynameless。IwasrunningblackbirdlabourfromthewestSouthPacificandtheCoralSeatotheplantationsofHawaiiandthenitrateminesofChili-"

"Itwasyouwhocleanedouttheentirepopulationof-"Fattyexploded，erehecouldcheckhisspeech。

TheonehandofBruceCadoganCavendishflashedpocketwardandflashedbackwiththequoitbalancedripeforbusiness。

"Proceed，"Fattysighed。"I……IhavequiteforgottenwhatI

wasgoingtosay。"

"Beastlyfunnycountryoverthatway，"thenarratordrawledwithperfectcasualness。"You’vereadthisSeaWolfstuff-"

"Youweren’ttheSeaWolf，"Whiskersbrokeinwithinvoluntarypositiveness。

"No，sir，"wasthesnarlinganswer。"TheSeaWolf’sdead，isn’the？AndI’mstillalive，aren’tI？"

"Ofcourse，ofcourse，"Whiskersconceded。"Hesuffocatedhead-

firstinthemudoffawharfinVictoriaacoupleofyearsback。"

"AsIwassaying-andIdon’tlikeinterruptions，"BruceCadoganCavendishproceeded，"it’sabeastlyfunnycountryoverthatway。

IwasatTaki-Tiki，alowislandthatpoliticallybelongstotheSolomons，butthatgeologicallydoesn’tatall，fortheSolomonsarehighislands。EthnographicallyitbelongstoPolynesia，Melanesia，andMicronesia，becauseallthebreedsoftheSouthPacifichavegravitatedtoitbycanoe-driftandintricately，degeneratively，andamazinglyinterbred。Thescumofthescrapingsofthebottomofthehumanpit，biologicallyspeaking，residesinTaka-Tiki。AndIknowthebottomandwhereofIspeak。

"ItwasabeastlyfunnytimeofitIhad，divingoutshell，fishingbeche-de-mer，tradinghoop-ironandhatchetsforcopraandivory-

nuts，runningniggersandalltherestofit。Why，eveninFijitheLotuwashavingahardtimeofitandthechiefsstilleatinglong-pig。Tothewestwarditwasfierce-funnylittleblackkinky-heads，man-eatersthelastJackofthem，andthejackpotfatandspillingoverwithwealth-"

"Jack-pots？"Fattyqueried。Atsightofanirritablemovement，headded："Yousee，InevergotovertotheWestlikeDelarouseandyou。"

"They’reallhead-hunters。Headsarevaluable，especiallyawhiteman’shead。Theydecoratethecanoe-housesanddevil-devilhouseswiththem。Eachvillagerunsajack-pot，andeverybodyantes。

Whoeverbringsinawhiteman’sheadtakesthepot。Iftherearen’topenersforalongtime，thepotgrowstotremendousproportions。Beastlyfunny，isn’tit？

"Iknow。Didn’taHollandmatedieonmeofblackwater？Anddidn’tIwinapotmyself？Itwasthisway。WewerelyingatLango-luiatthetime。Ineverleton，andarrangedtheaffairwithJohnny，myboat-steerer。Hewasakinky-headhimselffromPortMoresby。Hecutthedeadmate’sheadoffandsneakedashoreinthemight，whileIwhangedawaywithmyrifleasifIweretryingtogethim。Heopenedthepotwiththemate’shead，andgotit，too。Ofcourse，nextdayIsentinalandingboat，withtwocoveringboats，andfetchedhimoffwiththeloot。"

"Howbigwasthepot？"Whiskersasked。"IheardofapotatOrlawortheightyquid。"

"Tocommencewith，"Slimanswered，"therewerefortyfatpigs，eachworthafathomofprimeshell-money，andshell-moneyworthaquidafathom。Thatwastwohundreddollarsrightthere。Therewereninety-eightfathomsofshell-money，whichisprettyclosetofivehundredinitself。Andthereweretwenty-twogoldsovereigns。I

splititfourways：one-fourthtoJohnny，one-fourthtotheship，one-fourthtomeasowner，andone-fourthtomeasskipper。Johnnynevercomplained。He’dneverhadsomuchwealthallatonetimeinhislife。Besides，Igavehimacoupleofthemate’soldshirts。

AndIfancythemate’sheadisstilltheredecoratingthecanoe-

house。"

"NotexactlyChristianburialofaChristian，"Whiskersobserved。

"Butalucrativeburial，"Slimretorted。"Ihadtofeedtherestofthemateover-sidetothesharksfornothing。Thinkoffeedinganeight-hundred-dollarheadalongwithit。Itwouldhavebeencriminalwasteandstarklunacy。

"Well，anyway，itwasallbeastlyfunny，overtheretothewestward。And，withouttellingyouthescrapeIgotintoatTaki-

Tiki，exceptthatIsailedawaywithtwohundredkinky-headsforQueenslandlabour，andformymannerofcollectingthemhadtwoBritishshipsofwarcombingthePacificforme，IchangedmycourseandrantothewestwardthinkingtodisposeofthelottotheSpanishplantationsonBangar。

"Typhoonseason。Wecaughtit。TheMERRYMISTwasmyschooner’sname，andIhadthoughtshewasstoutlybuiltuntilshehitthattyphoon。Ineversawsuchseas。Theypoundedthatstoutcrafttopieces，literallyso。Thestickswerejerkedoutofher，deckhousessplinteredtomatch-wood，railsrippedoff，and，aftertheworsthadpassed，thecoveringboardsbegantogo。Wejustmanagedtorepairwhatwasleftofoneboatandkeeptheschoonerafloatonlytilltheseawentdownbarelyenoughtogetaway。Andweoutfittedthatboatinahurry。ThecarpenterandIwerethelast，andwehadtojumpforitashewentdown。Therewereonlyfourofus-"

"Lostalltheniggers？"Whiskersinquired。

"Someofthemswamforsometime，"Slimreplied。"ButIdon’tfancytheymadetheland。Weweretendays’indoingit。Andwehadaspankingbreezemostoftheway。Andwhatdoyouthinkwehadintheboatwithus？Casesofsquare-faceginandcasesofdynamite。Funny，wasn’tit？Well，itgotfunnierlateron。Oh，therewasasmallbeakerofwater，alittlesalthorse，andsomesalt-water-soakedseabiscuit-enoughtokeepusalivetoTagalag。

"NowTagalagisthedisappointingestislandI’veeverbeheld。Itshowsupoutoftheseasoasyoucanmakeitsfalltwentymilesoff。Itisavolcanoconethrustupoutofdeepsea，withasegmentofthecraterwallbrokenout。Thisgivesseaentrancetothecrateritself，andmakesafineshelteredharbour。Andthat’sall。Nothinglivesthere。Theoutsideandtheinsideofthecrateraretoosteep。Atoneplace，inside，isapatchofaboutathousandcoconutpalms。Andthat’sall，asIsaid，savingafewinsects。Nofour-leggedthing，evenarat，inhabitstheplace。

Andit’sfunny，mostawfulfunny，withallthosecoconuts，notevenacoconutcrab。Theonlymeat-foodlivingwasschoolsofmulletintheharbour-fattest，finest，biggestmulletIeverlaideyeson。

"Andthefourofuslandedonthelittlebeachandsetuphousekeepingamongthecoconutswithalarderfullofdynamiteandsquare-face。Whydon’tyoulaugh？It’sfunny，Itellyou。Tryitsometime-Hollandginandstraightcoconutdiet。I’veneverbeenabletolookaconfectioner’swindowinthefacesince。NowI’mnotstrongonreligionlikeChaunceyDelarousethere，butI

havesomeprimitiveideas;andmyconceptofhellisanillimitablecoconutplantation，stockedwithcasesofsquare-faceandpopulatedbyship-wreckedmariners。Funny？Itmustmakethedevilscream。

"Youknow，straightcoconutiswhattheagriculturistscallanunbalancedration。Itcertainlyunbalancedourdigestions。Wegotsothatwheneverhungertookanextrabiteatus，wetookanotherdrinkofgin。Afteracoupleofweeksofit，Olaf，asquareheadsailor，gotanidea。Itcamewhenhewasfullofgin，andwe，beinginthesamefix，justwatchedhimshoveacapandshortfuseintoastickofdynamiteandstrolldowntowardtheboat。

"Itdawnedonmethathewasgoingtoshootfishiftherewereanyabout;butthesunwasbeastlyhot，andIjustreclinedthereandhopedhe’dhaveluck。

"Abouthalfanhourafterhedisappearedweheardtheexplosion。

Buthedidn’tcomeback。Wewaitedtillthecoolofsunset，anddownonthebeachfoundwhathadbecomeofhim。Theboatwasthereallright，groundedbytheprevailingbreeze，buttherewasnoOlaf。Hewouldneverhavetoeatcoconutagain。Wewentback，shakierthanever，andcrackedanothersquare-face。

"Thenextdaythecookannouncedthathewouldrathertakehischancewithdynamitethancontinuetryingtoexistoncoconut，andthat，thoughhedidn’tknowanythingaboutdynamite，heknewasighttoomuchaboutcoconut。Sowebitthedetonatordownforhim，shovedinafuse，andpickedhimagoodfire-stick，whilehejoltedupwithacouplemorestiffonesofgin。

"Itwasthesameprogrammeasthedaybefore。Afterawhileweheardtheexplosionandattwilightwentdowntotheboat，fromwhichwescrapedenoughofthecookforafuneral。

"ThecarpenterandIstuckitouttwodaysmore，thenwedrewstrawsforitanditwashisturn。Wepartedwithharshwords;forhewantedtotakeasquare-facealongtorefreshhimselfbytheway，whileIwassetagainstrunninganychanceofwastingthegin。

Besides，hehadmorethanhecouldcarrythen，andhewobbledandstaggeredashewalked。

"Samething，onlytherewasawholelotofhimleftformetobury，becausehe’dpreparedonlyhalfastick。Imanagedtolastitouttillnextday，when，afterdulyfortifyingmyself，Igotsufficientcouragetotacklethedynamite。Iusedonlyathirdofastick-

youknow，shortfuse，withtheendsplitsoastoholdtheheadofasafetymatch。That’swhereImendedmypredecessors’methods。

Notusingthematch-head，they’dtoo-longfuses。Therefore，whentheyspottedaschoolofmullet;andlightedthefuse，theyhadtoholdthedynamitetillthefuseburnedshortbeforetheythrewit。

Iftheythrewittoosoon，itwouldn’tgoofftheinstantithitthewater，whilethesplashofitwouldfrightenthemulletaway。

Funnystuffdynamite。Atanyrate，Istillmaintainminewasthesafermethod。

"IpickedupaschoolofmulletbeforeI’dbeenrowingfiveminutes。Finebigfatonestheywere，andIcouldsmellthemoverthefire。WhenIstoodup，fire-stickinonehand，dynamitestickintheother，mykneeswereknockingtogether。Maybeitwasthegin，ortheanxiousness，ortheweaknessandthehunger，andmaybeitwastheresultofallofthem，butatanyrateIwasallofashake。TwiceIfailedtotouchthefire-sticktothedynamite。

ThenIdid，heardthematch-headsplutter，andlethergo。

"NowIdon’tknowwhathappenedtotheothers，butIknowwhatI

did。Igotturnedabout。Didyoueverstemastrawberryandthrowthestrawberryawayandpopthestemintoyourmouth？That’swhatIdid。Ithrewthefire-stickintothewaterafterthemulletandheldontothedynamite。Andmyarmwentoffwiththestickwhenitwentoff……"

Sliminvestigatedthetomato-canforwatertomixhimselfadrink，butfounditempty。Hestoodup。

"Heighho，"heyawned，andstarteddownthepathtotheriver。

Inseveralminuteshewasback。Hemixedtheduequantityofriverslushwiththealcohol，tookalong，solitarydrink，andstaredwithbittermoodinessintothefire。

"Yes，but……"Fattysuggested。"Whathappenedthen？"

"Oh，"sadSlim。"Thentheprincessmarriedme，ofcourse。"

"Butyouweretheonlypersonleft，andtherewasn’tanyprincess……"Whiskerscriedoutabruptly，andthenlethisvoicetrailawaytoembarrassedsilence。

Slimstaredunblinkinglyintothefire。

PercivalDelaneyandChaunceyDelarouselookedateachother。

Quietly，insolemnsilence，eachwithhisonearmaidedtheonearmoftheotherinrollingandtyinghisbundle。Andinsilence，bundlesslungonshoulders，theywentawayoutofthecircleoffirelight。Notuntiltheyreachedthetopoftherailroadembankmentdidtheyspeak。

"Nogentlemanwouldhavedoneit，"saidWhiskers。

"Nogentlemanwouldhavedoneit，"Fattyagreed。

GlenEllen，California，SEPTEMBER26，1916。