第1章

THEFACTSCONCERNINGTHERECENTCARNIVALOFCRIMEINCONNECTICUT

Iwasfeelingblithe，almostjocund。Iputamatchtomycigar，andjustthenthemorning’smailwashandedin。ThefirstsuperscriptionI

glancedatwasinahandwritingthatsentathrillofpleasurethroughandthroughme。ItwasAuntMary’s；andshewasthepersonIlovedandhonoredmostinalltheworld，outsideofmyownhousehold。Shehadbeenmyboyhood’sidol；maturity，whichisfataltosomanyenchantments，hadnotbeenabletodislodgeherfromherpedestal；no，ithadonlyjustifiedherrighttobethere，andplacedherdethronementpermanentlyamongtheimpossibilities。Toshowhowstrongherinfluenceovermewas，Iwillobservethatlongaftereverybodyelse’s"do—stop—smoking"hadceasedtoaffectmeintheslightestdegree，AuntMarycouldstillstirmytorpidconscienceintofaintsignsoflifewhenshetoucheduponthematter。Butallthingshavetheirlimitinthisworld。Ahappydaycameatlast，whenevenAuntMary’swordscouldnolongermoveme。Iwasnotmerelygladtoseethatdayarrive；Iwasmorethanglad——Iwasgrateful；

forwhenitssunhadset，theonealloythatwasabletomarmyenjoymentofmyaunt’ssocietywasgone。Theremainderofherstaywithusthatwinterwasineverywayadelight。Ofcourseshepleadedwithmejustasearnestlyasever，afterthatblessedday，toquitmypernicioushabit，buttonopurposewhatever；themomentsheopenedthesubjectIatoncebecamecalmly，peacefully，contentedlyindifferent——absolutely，adamantinelyindifferent。Consequentlytheclosingweeksofthatmemorablevisitmeltedawayaspleasantlyasadream，theyweresofreightedformewithtranquilsatisfaction。Icouldnothaveenjoyedmypetvicemoreifmygentletormentorhadbeenasmokerherself，andanadvocateofthepractice。Well，thesightofherhandwritingremindedmethatIwaygettingveryhungrytoseeheragain。IeasilyguessedwhatI

shouldfindinherletter。Iopenedit。Good！justasIexpected；shewascoming！Comingthisveryday，too，andbythemorningtrain；Imightexpectheranymoment。

Isaidtomyself，"Iamthoroughlyhappyandcontentnow。Ifmymostpitilessenemycouldappearbeforemeatthismoment，IwouldfreelyrightanywrongImayhavedonehim。"

Straightwaythedooropened，andashriveled，shabbydwarfentered。Hewasnotmorethantwofeethigh。Heseemedtobeaboutfortyyearsold。

Everyfeatureandeveryinchofhimwasatrifleoutofshape；andso，whileonecouldnotputhisfingeruponanyparticularpartandsay，"Thisisaconspicuousdeformity，"thespectatorperceivedthatthislittlepersonwasadeformityasawhole——avague，general，evenlyblended，nicelyadjusteddeformity。Therewasafox—likecunninginthefaceandthesharplittleeyes，andalsoalertnessandmalice。Andyet，thisvilebitofhumanrubbishseemedtobearasortofremoteandill—definedresemblancetome！Itwasdullyperceptibleinthemeanform，thecountenance，andeventheclothes，gestures，manner，andattitudesofthecreature。Hewasafarfetched，dimsuggestionofaburlesqueuponme，acaricatureofmeinlittle。Onethingabouthimstruckmeforciblyandmostunpleasantly：hewascoveredalloverwithafuzzy，greenishmold，suchasonesometimesseesuponmildewedbread。

Thesightofitwasnauseating。

Hesteppedalongwithachipperair，andflunghimselfintoadoll’schairinaveryfree—and—easyway，withoutwaitingtobeasked。Hetossedhishatintothewaste—basket。Hepickedupmyoldchalkpipefromthefloor，gavethestemawipeortwoonhisknee，filledthebowlfromthetobacco—boxathisside，andsaidtomeinatoneofpertcommand：

"Gimmeamatch！"

Iblushedtotherootsofmyhair；partlywithindignation，butmainlybecauseitsomehowseemedtomethatthiswholeperformancewasverylikeanexaggerationofconductwhichImyselfhadsometimesbeenguiltyofinmyintercoursewithfamiliarfriends——butnever，neverwithstrangers，I

observedtomyself。Iwantedtokickthepygmyintothefire，butsomeincomprehensiblesenseofbeinglegallyandlegitimatelyunderhisauthorityforcedmetoobeyhisorder。Heappliedthematchtothepipe，tookacontemplativewhiffortwo，andremarked，inanirritatinglyfamiliarway：

"Seemstomeit’sdevilishoddweatherforthistimeofyear。"

Iflushedagain，andinangerandhumiliationasbefore；forthelanguagewashardlyanexaggerationofsomethatIhaveutteredinmyday，andmoreoverwasdeliveredinatoneofvoiceandwithanexasperatingdrawlthathadtheseemingofadeliberatetravestyofmystyle。NowthereisnothingIamquitesosensitiveaboutasamockingimitationofmydrawlinginfirmityofspeech。Ispokeupsharplyandsaid：

"Lookhere，youmiserableash—cat！youwillhavetogivealittlemoreattentiontoyourmanners，orIwillthrowyououtofthewindow！"

Themanikinsmiledasmileofmaliciouscontentandsecurity，puffedawhiffofsmokecontemptuouslytowardme，andsaid，withastillmoreelaboratedrawl：

"Come——gogentlynow；don’tputontoomanyairswithyourbetters。"

Thiscoolsnubraspedmeallover，butitseemedtosubjugateme，too，foramoment。Thepygmycontemplatedmeawhilewithhisweaseleyes，andthensaid，inapeculiarlysneeringway：

"Youturnedatrampawayfromyourdoorthismorning。"

Isaidcrustily：

"PerhapsIdid，perhapsIdidn’t。Howdoyouknow？"

"Well，Iknow。Itisn’tanymatterhowIknow。"

"Verywell。SupposeIdidturnatrampawayfromthedoor——whatofit？"

"Oh，nothing；nothinginparticular。Onlyyouliedtohim。"

"Ididn’t！Thatis，I——"

"Yes，butyoudid；youliedtohim。"

Ifeltaguiltypang——intruth，Ihadfeltitfortytimesbeforethattramphadtraveledablockfrommydoor——butstillIresolvedtomakeashowoffeelingslandered；soIsaid：

"Thisisabaselessimpertinence。Isaidtothetramp——"

"There——wait。Youwereabouttolieagain。Iknowwhatyousaidtohim。

Yousaidthecookwasgonedown—townandtherewasnothingleftfrombreakfast。Twolies。Youknewthecookwasbehindthedoor，andplentyofprovisionsbehindher。"

Thisastonishingaccuracysilencedme；anditfilledmewithwonderingspeculations，too，astohowthiscubcouldhavegothisinformation。

Ofcoursehecouldhaveculledtheconversationfromthetramp，butbywhatsortofmagichadhecontrivedtofindoutabouttheconcealedcook？

Nowthedwarfspokeagain：

"Itwasratherpitiful，rathersmall，inyoutorefusetoreadthatpooryoungwoman’smanuscripttheotherday，andgiveheranopinionastoitsliteraryvalue；andshehadcomesofar，too，andsohopefully。Nowwasn’tit？"

Ifeltlikeacur！AndIhadfeltsoeverytimethethinghadrecurredtomymind，Imayaswellconfess。Iflushedhotlyandsaid：

"Lookhere，haveyounothingbettertodothanprowlaroundpryingintootherpeople’sbusiness？Didthatgirltellyouthat？"

"Nevermindwhethershedidornot。Themainthingis，youdidthatcontemptiblething。Andyoufeltashamedofitafterward。Aha！youfeelashamedofitnow！"

Thiswasasortofdevilishglee。WithfieryearnestnessIresponded：

"Itoldthatgirl，inthekindest，gentlestway，thatIcouldnotconsenttodeliverjudgmentuponanyone’smanuscript，becauseanindividual’sverdictwasworthless。Itmightunderrateaworkofhighmeritandloseittotheworld，oritmightoverrateatrashyproductionandsoopenthewayforitsinflictionupontheworld：Isaidthatthegreatpublicwastheonlytribunalcompetenttositinjudgmentuponaliteraryeffort，andthereforeitmustbebesttolayitbeforethattribunalintheoutset，sinceintheenditmuststandorfallbythatmightycourt’sdecisionanyway。"

"Yes，yousaidallthat。Soyoudid，youjuggling，small—souledshuffler！Andyetwhenthehappyhopefulnessfadedoutofthatpoorgirl’sface，whenyousawherfurtivelyslipbeneathhershawlthescrollshehadsopatientlyandhonestlyscribbledat——soashamedofherdarlingnow，soproudofitbefore——whenyousawthegladnessgooutofhereyesandthetearscomethere，whenshecreptawaysohumblywhohadcomeso——"

"Oh，peace！peace！peace！Blisteryourmercilesstongue，haven’tallthesethoughtstorturedmeenoughwithoutyourcomingheretofetchthembackagain！"

Remorse！remorse！Itseemedtomethatitwouldeattheveryheartoutofme！Andyetthatsmallfiendonlysatthereleeringatmewithjoyandcontempt，andplacidlychuckling。Presentlyhebegantospeakagain。

Everysentencewasanaccusation，andeveryaccusationatruth。Everyclausewasfreightedwithsarcasmandderision，everyslow—droppingwordburnedlikevitriol。ThedwarfremindedmeoftimeswhenIhadflownatmychildreninangerandpunishedthemforfaultswhichalittleinquirywouldhavetaughtmethatothers，andnotthey，hadcommitted。

HeremindedmeofhowIhaddisloyallyallowedoldfriendstobetraducedinmyhearing，andbeentoocraventoutterawordintheirdefense。

HeremindedmeofmanydishonestthingswhichIhaddone；ofmanywhichI

hadprocuredtobedonebychildrenandotherirresponsiblepersons；ofsomewhichIhadplanned，thoughtupon，andlongedtodo，andbeenkeptfromtheperformancebyfearofconsequencesonly。Withexquisitecrueltyherecalledtomymind，itembyitem，wrongsandunkindnessesI

hadinflictedandhumiliationsIhadputuponfriendssincedead，"whodiedthinkingofthoseinjuries，maybe，andgrievingoverthem，"headded，bywayofpoisontothestab。

"Forinstance，"saidhe，"takethecaseofyouryoungerbrother，whenyoutwowereboystogether，manyalongyearago。Healwayslovinglytrustedinyouwithafidelitythatyourmanifoldtreacherieswerenotabletoshake。Hefollowedyouaboutlikeadog，contenttosufferwrongandabuseifhemightonlybewithyou；patientundertheseinjuriessolongasitwasyourhandthatinflictedthem。Thelatestpictureyouhaveofhiminhealthandstrengthmustbesuchacomforttoyou！Youpledgedyourhonorthatifhewouldletyoublindfoldhimnoharmshouldcometohim；andthen，gigglingandchokingovertherarefunofthejoke，youledhimtoabrookthinlyglazedwithice，andpushedhimin；andhowyoudidlaugh！Man，youwillneverforgetthegentle，reproachfullookhegaveyouashestruggledshiveringout，ifyouliveathousandyears！

Oh！youseeitnow，youseeitnow！"

"Beast，Ihaveseenitamilliontimes，andshallseeitamillionmore！

andmayyourotawaypiecemeal，andsuffertilldoomsdaywhatIsuffernow，forbringingitbacktomeagain！"

Thedwarfchuckledcontentedly，andwentonwithhisaccusinghistoryofmycareer。Idroppedintoamoody，vengefulstate，andsufferedinsilenceunderthemercilesslash。Atlastthisremarkofhisgavemeasuddenrouse：

"Twomonthsago，onaTuesday，youwokeup，awayinthenight，andfelltothinking，withshame，aboutapeculiarlymeanandpitifulactofyourstowardapoorignorantIndianinthewildsoftheRockyMountainsinthewinterofeighteenhundredand——"

"Stopamoment，devil！Stop！Doyoumeantotellmethatevenmyverythoughtsarenothiddenfromyou？"

"Itseemstolooklikethat。Didn’tyouthinkthethoughtsIhavejustmentioned？"

"IfIdidn’t，IwishImayneverbreatheagain！Lookhere，friend——lookmeintheeye。Whoareyou？"

"Well，whodoyouthink？"

"IthinkyouareSatanhimself。Ithinkyouarethedevil。"

"No。"

"No？Thenwhocanyoube？"

"Wouldyoureallyliketoknow？"

"IndeedIwould。"

"Well，IamyourConscience！"

InaninstantIwasinablazeofjoyandexultation。Isprangatthecreature，roaring：

"Curseyou，Ihavewishedahundredmilliontimesthatyouweretangible，andthatIcouldgetmyhandsonyourthroatonce！Oh，butIwillwreakadeadlyvengeanceon——"

Folly！LightningdoesnotmovemorequicklythanmyConsciencedid！

Hedartedaloftsosuddenlythatinthemomentmyfingersclutchedtheemptyairhewasalreadyperchedonthetopofthehighbookcase，withhisthumbathisnoseintokenofderision。Iflungthepokerathim，andmissed。Ifiredthebootjack。InablindrageIflewfromplacetoplace，andsnatchedandhurledanymissilethatcamehandy；thestormofbooks，inkstands，andchunksofcoalgloomedtheairandbeataboutthemanikin’sperchrelentlessly，butalltonopurpose；thenimblefiguredodgedeveryshot；andnotonlythat，butburstintoacackleofsarcasticandtriumphantlaughterasIsatdownexhausted。WhileI

puffedandgaspedwithfatigueandexcitement，myConsciencetalkedtothiseffect：

"Mygoodslave，youarecuriouslywitless——no，Imeancharacteristicallyso。Intruth，youarealwaysconsistent，alwaysyourself，alwaysanass。

Otherwiseitmusthaveoccurredtoyouthatifyouattemptedthismurderwithasadheartandaheavyconscience，Iwoulddroopundertheburdeningininfluenceinstantly。Fool，Ishouldhaveweighedaton，andcouldnothavebudgedfromthefloor；butinstead，youaresocheerfullyanxioustokillmethatyourconscienceisaslightasafeather；henceI

amawayuphereoutofyourreach。Icanalmostrespectamereordinarysortoffool；butyoupah！"

Iwouldhavegivenanything，then，tobeheavyhearted，sothatIcouldgetthispersondownfromthereandtakehislife，butIcouldnomorebeheavy—heartedoversuchadesirethanIcouldhavesorrowedoveritsaccomplishment。SoIcouldonlylooklonginglyupatmymaster，andraveattheillluckthatdeniedmeaheavyconsciencetheoneonlytimethatIhadeverwantedsuchathinginmylife。ByandbyIgottomusingoverthehour’sstrangeadventure，andofcoursemyhumancuriositybegantowork。Isetmyselftoframinginmymindsomequestionsforthisfiendtoanswer。Justthenoneofmyboysentered，leavingthedooropenbehindhim，andexclaimed：

"My！whathasbeengoingonhere？Thebookcaseisalloneriddleof——"

Isprangupinconsternation，andshouted：

"Outofthis！Hurry！jump！Fly！Shutthedoor！Quick，ormyConsciencewillgetaway！"

Thedoorslammedto，andIlockedit。Iglancedupandwasgrateful，tothebottomofmyheart，toseethatmyownerwasstillmyprisoner。I

said：

"Hangyou，Imighthavelostyou！Childrenaretheheedlessestcreatures。Butlookhere，friend，theboydidnotseemtonoticeyouatall；howisthat？"

"Foraverygoodreason。Iaminvisibletoallbutyou。"

Imadeamentalnoteofthatpieceofinformationwithagooddealofsatisfaction。Icouldkillthismiscreantnow，ifIgotachance，andnoonewouldknowit。ButthisveryreflectionmademesolightheartedthatmyConsciencecouldhardlykeephisseat，butwasliketofloatalofttowardtheceilinglikeatoyballoon。Isaid，presently：

"Come，myConscience，letusbefriendly。Letusflyaflagoftruceforawhile。Iamsufferingtoaskyousomequestions。"

"Verywell。Begin。"

"Well，then，inthefirstplace，whywereyounevervisibletomebefore？"

"Becauseyouneveraskedtoseemebefore；thatis，youneveraskedintherightspiritandtheproperformbefore。Youwerejustintherightspiritthistime，andwhenyoucalledforyourmostpitilessenemyIwasthatpersonbyaverylargemajority，thoughyoudidnotsuspectit。"

"Well，didthatremarkofmineturnyouintofleshandblood？"

"No。Itonlymademevisibletoyou。Iamunsubstantial，justasotherspiritsare。"

Thisremarkproddedmewithasharpmisgiving。

Ifhewasunsubstantial，howwasIgoingtokillhim？ButIdissembled，andsaidpersuasively：

"Conscience，itisn’tsociableofyoutokeepatsuchadistance。Comedownandtakeanothersmoke。"

Thiswasansweredwithalookthatwasfullofderision，andwiththisobservationadded：

"Comewhereyoucangetatmeandkillme？Theinvitationisdeclinedwiththanks。"

"Allright，"saidItomyself；"soitseemsaspiritcanbekilled，afterall；therewillbeonespiritlackinginthisworld，presently，orIlosemyguess。"ThenIsaidaloud：

"Friend——"

"There；waitabit。Iamnotyourfriend。Iamyourenemy；Iamnotyourequal，Iamyourmaster，Callme’mylord，’ifyouplease。Youaretoofamiliar。"

"Idon’tlikesuchtitles。Iamwillingtocallyou，sir。Thatisasfaras——"

"Wewillhavenoargumentaboutthis。Justobey，thatisall。Goonwithyourchatter。"

"Verywell，mylord——sincenothingbutmylordwillsuityou——Iwasgoingtoaskyouhowlongyouwillbevisibletome？"

"Always！"

Ibrokeoutwithstrongindignation："Thisissimplyanoutrage。ThatiswhatIthinkofit！Youhavedogged，anddogged，anddoggedme，allthedaysofmylife，invisible。Thatwasmiseryenough，nowtohavesuchalookingthingasyoutaggingaftermelikeanothershadowalltherestofmydayisanintolerableprospect。Youhavemyopinionmylord，makethemostofit。"

"Mylad，therewasneversopleasedaconscienceinthisworldasIwaswhenyoumademevisible。Itgivesmeaninconceivableadvantage。NowI

canlookyoustraightintheeye，andcallyounames，andleeratyou，jeeratyou，sneeratyou；andyouknowwhateloquencethereisinvisiblegestureandexpression，moreespeciallywhentheeffectisheightenedbyaudiblespeech。Ishallalwaysaddressyouhenceforthinyouro—w—ns—n—i—v—e—l—i—n—gd—r—a—w—l——baby！"

Iletflywiththecoal—hod。Noresult。Mylordsaid：

"Come，come！Remembertheflagoftruce！"

"Ah，Iforgotthat。Iwilltrytobecivil；andyoutryit，too，foranovelty。Theideaofacivilconscience！Itisagoodjoke；anexcellentjoke。AlltheconsciencesIhaveeverheardofwerenagging，badgering，fault—finding，execrablesavages！Yes；andalwaysinasweataboutsomepoorlittleinsignificanttrifleorother——destructioncatchthelotofthem，Isay！Iwouldtrademineforthesmallpoxandsevenkindsofconsumption，andbegladofthechance。Nowtellme，whyisitthataconsciencecan’thaulamanoverthecoalsonce，foranoffense，andthenlethimalone？Whyisitthatitwantstokeeponpeggingathim，dayandnightandnightandday，weekinandweekout，foreverandever，aboutthesameoldthing？Thereisnosenseinthat，andnoreasoninit。Ithinkaconsciencethatwillactlikethatismeanerthantheverydirtitself。"

"Well，WElikeit；thatsuffices。"

"Doyoudoitwiththehonestintenttoimproveaman？"

Thatquestionproducedasarcasticsmile，andthisreply：

"No，sir。Excuseme。Wedoitsimplybecauseitis’business。’Itisourtrade。Thepurposeofitistoimprovetheman，butwearemerelydisinterestedagents。Weareappointedbyauthority，andhaven’tanythingtosayinthematter。Weobeyordersandleavetheconsequenceswheretheybelong。ButIamwillingtoadmitthismuch：wedocrowdtheordersatriflewhenwegetachance，whichismostofthetime。

Weenjoyit。Weareinstructedtoremindamanafewtimesofanerror；

andIdon’tmindacknowledgingthatwetrytogiveprettygoodmeasure。

Andwhenwegetholdofamanofapeculiarlysensitivenature，oh，butwedohazehim！IhaveconsciencestocomeallthewayfromChinaandRussiatoseeapersonofthatkindputthroughhispaces，onaspecialoccasion。Why，Iknewamanofthatsortwhohadaccidentallycrippledamulattobaby；thenewswentabroad，andIwishyoumaynevercommitanothersiniftheconsciencesdidn’tflockfromallovertheearthtoenjoythefunandhelphismasterexorcisehim。Thatmanwalkedthefloorintortureforforty—eighthours，withouteatingorsleeping，andthenblewhisbrainsout。Thechildwasperfectlywellagaininthreeweeks。"

"Well，youareapreciouscrew，nottoputittoostrong。IthinkI

begintoseenowwhyyouhavealwaysbeenatrifleinconsistentwithme。

Inyouranxietytogetallthejuiceyoucanoutofasin，youmakeamanrepentofitinthreeorfourdifferentways。Forinstance，youfoundfaultwithmeforlyingtothattramp，andIsufferedoverthat。ButitwasonlyyesterdaythatItoldatrampthesquaretruth，towit，that，itbeingregardedasbadcitizenshiptoencouragevagrancy，Iwouldgivehimnothing。Whatdidyoudothen：Why，youmademesaytomyself，’Ah，itwouldhavebeensomuchkinderandmoreblamelesstoeasehimoffwithalittlewhitelie，andsendhimawayfeelingthatifhecouldnothavebread，thegentletreatmentwasatleastsomethingtobegratefulfor！’

Well，Isufferedalldayaboutthat。ThreedaysbeforeIhadfedatramp，andfedhimfreely，supposingitavirtuousact。Straightoffyousaid，’Oh，falsecitizen，tohavefedatramp！’andIsufferedasusual。

Igaveatrampwork；youobjectedtoit——afterthecontractwasmade，ofcourse；youneverspeakupbeforehand。Next，Irefusedatrampwork；

youobjectedtothat。Next，Iproposedtokillatramp；youkeptmeawakeallnight，oozingremorseateverypore。SureIwasgoingtoberightthistime，Isentthenexttrampawaywithmybenediction；andI

wishyoumayliveaslongasIdo，ifyoudidn’tmakemesmartallnightagainbecauseIdidn’tkillhim。Isthereanywayofsatisfyingthatmalignantinventionwhichiscalledaconscience？"

"Ha，ha！thisisluxury！Goon！"

"Butcome，now，answermethatquestion。Isthereanyway？"

"Well，nonethatIproposetotellyou，myson。Ass！Idon’tcarewhatactyoumayturnyourhandto，Icanstraightwaywhisperawordinyourearandmakeyouthinkyouhavecommittedadreadfulmeanness。Itismybusiness——andmyjoy——tomakeyourepentofeverythingyoudo。IfIhavefooledawayanyopportunitiesitwasnotintentional；Ibegtoassureyouitwasnotintentional！"

"Don’tworry；youhaven’tmissedatrickthatIknowof。Ineverdidathinginallmylife，virtuousorotherwise，thatIdidn’trepentofintwenty—fourhours。InchurchlastSundayIlistenedtoacharitysermon。

Myfirstimpulsewastogivethreehundredandfiftydollars；Irepentedofthatandreduceditahundred；repentedofthatandreduceditanotherhundred；repentedofthatandreduceditanotherhundred；repentedofthatandreducedtheremainingfiftytotwenty—five；repentedofthatandcamedowntofifteen；repentedofthatanddroppedtotwodollarsandahalf；whentheplatecamearoundatlast，Irepentedoncemoreandcontributedtencents。Well，whenIgothome，IdidwishtogoodnessI

hadthattencentsbackagain！Youneverdidletmegetthroughacharitysermonwithouthavingsomethingtosweatabout。"

"Oh，andInevershall，Inevershall。Youcanalwaysdependonme。"

"Ithinkso。Manyandmany’stherestlessnightI’vewantedtotakeyoubytheneck。IfIcouldonlygetholdofyounow！"

"Yes，nodoubt。ButIamnotanass；Iamonlythesaddleofanass。

Butgoon，goon。YouentertainmemorethanIliketoconfess。"

Iamgladofthat。(Youwillnotmindmylyingalittle，tokeepinpractice。)Lookhere；nottobetoopersonal，Ithinkyouareabouttheshabbiestandmostcontemptiblelittleshriveled—upreptilethatcanbeimagined。Iamgratefulenoughthatyouareinvisibletootherpeople，forIshoulddiewithshametobeseenwithsuchamildewedmonkeyofaconscienceasyouare。Nowifyouwerefiveorsixfeethigh，and——"

"Oh，come！whoistoblame？"

"Idon’tknow。"

"Why，youare；nobodyelse。"

"Confoundyou，Iwasn’tconsultedaboutyourpersonalappearance。"

"Idon’tcare，youhadagooddealtodowithit，nevertheless。Whenyouwereeightornineyearsold，Iwassevenfeethigh，andasprettyasapicture。"

"Iwishyouhaddiedyoung！Soyouhavegrownthewrongway，haveyou？"

"Someofusgrowonewayandsometheother。Youhadalargeconscienceonce；ifyou’veasmallconsciencenowIreckontherearereasonsforit。

However，bothofusaretoblame，youandI。Yousee，youusedtobeconscientiousaboutagreatmanythings；morbidlyso，Imaysay。Itwasagreatmanyyearsago。Youprobablydonotrememberitnow。Well，Itookagreatinterestinmywork，andIsoenjoyedtheanguishwhichcertainpetsinsofyoursafflictedyouwiththatIkeptpeltingatyouuntilIratheroverdidthematter。Youbegantorebel。OfcourseI

begantoloseground，then，andshrivelalittle——diminishinstature，getmoldy，andgrowdeformed。ThemoreIweakened，themorestubbornlyyoufastenedontothoseparticularsins；tillatlasttheplacesonmypersonthatrepresentthosevicesbecameascallousasshark—skin。Takesmoking，forinstance。Iplayedthatcardalittletoolong，andIlost。

Whenpeoplepleadwithyouatthislatedaytoquitthatvice，thatoldcallousplaceseemstoenlargeandcovermealloverlikeashirtofmail。Itexertsamysterious，smotheringeffect；andpresentlyI，yourfaithfulhater，yourdevotedConscience，gosoundasleep！Sound？Itisnonameforit。Icouldn’thearitthunderatsuchatime。Youhavesomefewothervices——perhapseighty，ormaybeninety——thataffectmeinmuchthesameway。"

"Thisisflattering；youmustbeasleepagoodpartofyourtime。"

"Yes，oflateyears。IshouldbeasleepallthetimebutforthehelpI

get。"

"Whohelpsyou？"

"Otherconsciences。WheneverapersonwhoseconscienceIamacquaintedwithtriestopleadwithyouaboutthevicesyouarecallousto，Igetmyfriendtogivehisclientapangconcerningsomevillainyofhisown，andthatshutsoffhismeddlingandstartshimofftohuntpersonalconsolation。Myfieldofusefulnessisabouttrimmeddowntotramps，buddingauthoresses，andthatlineofgoodsnow；butdon’tyouworry——I’llharryyouontheirswhiletheylast！Justyouputyourtrustinme。"

"IthinkIcan。Butifyouhadonlybeengoodenoughtomentionthesefactssomethirtyyearsago，Ishouldhaveturnedmyparticularattentiontosin，andIthinkthatbythistimeIshouldnotonlyhavehadyouprettypermanentlyasleepontheentirelistofhumanvices，butreducedtothesizeofahomeopathicpill，atthat。ThatisaboutthestyleofconscienceIampiningfor。IfIonlyhadyoushrunkyoudowntoahomeopathicpill，andcouldgetmyhandsonyou，wouldIputyouinaglasscaseforakeepsake？No，sir。Iwouldgiveyoutoayellowdog！

Thatiswhereyououghttobe——youandallyourtribe。Youarenotfittobeinsociety，inmyopinion。Nowanotherquestion。Doyouknowagoodmanyconsciencesinthissection？"

"Plentyofthem。"

"Iwouldgiveanythingtoseesomeofthem！Couldyoubringthemhere？

Andwouldtheybevisibletome？"

"Certainlynot。"

"IsupposeIoughttohaveknownthatwithoutasking。Butnomatter，youcandescribethem。TellmeaboutmyneighborThompson’sconscience，please。"

"Verywell。Iknowhimintimately；haveknownhimmanyyears。Iknewhimwhenhewaselevenfeethighandofafaultlessfigure。Butheisverypastyandtoughandmisshapennow，andhardlyeverinterestshimselfaboutanything。Astohispresentsize——well，hesleepsinacigar—box。"

"Likelyenough。Therearefewsmaller，meanermeninthisregionthanHughThompson。DoyouknowRobinson’sconscience？"

"Yes。Heisashadeunderfourandahalffeethigh；usedtobeablond；

isabrunettenow，butstillshapelyandcomely。"

"Well，Robinsonisagoodfellow。DoyouknowTomSmith’sconscience？"

"Ihaveknownhimfromchildhood。Hewasthirteenincheshigh，andrathersluggish，whenhewastwoyearsold——asnearlyallofusareatthatage。Heisthirty—sevenfeethighnow，andthestateliestfigureinAmerica。Hislegsarestillrackedwithgrowing—pains，buthehasagoodtime，nevertheless。Neversleeps。HeisthemostactiveandenergeticmemberoftheNewEnglandConscienceClub；ispresidentofit。NightanddayyoucanfindhimpeggingawayatSmith，pantingwithhislabor，sleevesrolledup，countenanceallalivewithenjoyment。Hehasgothisvictimsplendidlydragoonednow。HecanmakepoorSmithimaginethatthemostinnocentlittlethinghedoesisanodioussin；andthenhesetstoworkandalmosttorturesthesouloutofhimaboutit。"

"Smithisthenoblestmaninallthissection，andthepurest；andyetisalwaysbreakinghisheartbecausehecannotbegood！Onlyaconsciencecouldfindpleasureinheapingagonyuponaspiritlikethat。DoyouknowmyauntMary’sconscience？"

"Ihaveseenheratadistance，butamnotacquaintedwithher。Shelivesintheopenairaltogether，becausenodoorislargeenoughtoadmither。"

"Icanbelievethat。Letmesee。Doyouknowtheconscienceofthatpublisherwhooncestolesomesketchesofminefora’series’ofhis，andthenleftmetopaythelawexpensesIhadtoincurinordertochokehimoff？"

"Yes。Hehasawidefame。Hewasexhibited，amonthago，withsomeotherantiquities，forthebenefitofarecentMemberoftheCabinet’sconsciencethatwasstarvinginexile。Ticketsandfareswerehigh，butItraveledfornothingbypretendingtobetheconscienceofaneditor，andgotinforhalf—pricebyrepresentingmyselftobetheconscienceofaclergyman。However，thepublisher’sconscience，whichwastohavebeenthemainfeatureoftheentertainment，wasafailure——asanexhibition。

Hewasthere，butwhatofthat？Themanagementhadprovidedamicroscopewithamagnifyingpowerofonlythirtythousanddiameters，andsonobodygottoseehim，afterall。Therewasgreatandgeneraldissatisfaction，ofcourse，but——"

Justheretherewasaneagerfootsteponthestair；Iopenedthedoor，andmyauntMaryburstintotheroom。Itwasajoyfulmeetingandacheerybombardmentofquestionsandanswersconcerningfamilymattersensued。Byandbymyauntsaid：

"ButIamgoingtoabuseyoualittlenow。Youpromisedme，thedayI

sawyoulast，thatyouwouldlookaftertheneedsofthepoorfamilyaroundthecornerasfaithfullyasIhaddoneitmyself。Well，Ifoundoutbyaccidentthatyoufailedofyourpromise。Wasthatright？"

Insimpletruth，Ineverhadthoughtofthatfamilyasecondtime！Andnowsuchasplinteringpangofguiltshotthroughme！IglancedupatmyConscience。Plainly，myheavyheartwasaffectinghim。Hisbodywasdroopingforward；heseemedabouttofallfromthebookcase。Myauntcontinued：

"Andthinkhowyouhaveneglectedmypoorprotegeatthealmshouse，youdear，hard—heartedpromise—breaker！"Iblushedscarlet，andmytonguewastied。Asthesenseofmyguiltynegligencewaxedsharperandstronger，myConsciencebegantoswayheavilybackandforth；andwhenmyaunt，afteralittlepause，saidinagrievedtone，"Sinceyouneveroncewenttoseeher，maybeitwillnotdistressyounowtoknowthatthatpoorchilddied，monthsago，utterlyfriendlessandforsaken！"

MyConsciencecouldnolongerbearupundertheweightofmysufferings，buttumbledheadlongfromhishighperchandstruckthefloorwithadull，leadenthump。Helaytherewrithingwithpainandquakingwithapprehension，butstrainingeverymuscleinfranticeffortstogetup。

InafeverofexpectancyIsprangtothedoor，lockedit，placedmybackagainstit，andbentawatchfulgazeuponmystrugglingmaster。Alreadymyfingerswereitchingtobegintheirmurderouswork。

"Oh，whatcanbethematter！"exclaimedbyaunt，shrinkingfromme，andfollowingwithherfrightenedeyesthedirectionofmine。Mybreathwascominginshort，quickgaspsnow，andmyexcitementwasalmostuncontrollable。Myauntcriedout：

"Oh，donotlookso！Youappalme！Oh，whatcanthematterbe？Whatisityousee？Whydoyoustareso？Whydoyouworkyourfingerslikethat？"

"Peace，woman！"Isaid，inahoarsewhisper。"Lookelsewhere；paynoattentiontome；itisnothing——nothing。Iamoftenthisway。Itwillpassinamoment。Itcomesfromsmokingtoomuch。"

Myinjuredlordwasup，wild—eyedwithterror，andtryingtohobbletowardthedoor。Icouldhardlybreathe，Iwassowroughtup。Myauntwrungherhands，andsaid：

"Oh，Iknewhowitwouldbe；Iknewitwouldcometothisatlast！

Oh，Iimploreyoutocrushoutthatfatalhabitwhileitmayyetbetime！

Youmustnot，youshallnotbedeaftomysupplicationslonger！"

MystrugglingConscienceshowedsuddensignsofweariness！"Oh，promisemeyouwillthrowoffthishatefulslaveryoftobacco！"MyConsciencebegantoreeldrowsily，andgropewithhishands——enchantingspectacle！

"Ibegyou，Ibeseechyou，Iimploreyou！Yourreasonisdesertingyou！

Thereismadnessinyoureye！Itflameswithfrenzy！Oh，hearme，hearme，andbesaved！See，Ipleadwithyouonmyveryknees！"AsshesankbeforememyConsciencereeledagain，andthendroopedlanguidlytothefloor，blinkingtowardmealastsupplicationformercy，withheavyeyes。

"Oh，promise，oryouarelost！Promise，andberedeemed！Promise！

Promiseandlive！"Withalong—drawnsighmyconqueredConscienceclosedhiseyesandfellfastasleep！

WithanexultantshoutIsprangpastmyaunt，andinaninstantIhadmylifelongfoebythethroat。Aftersomanyyearsofwaitingandlonging，hewasmineatlast。Itorehimtoshredsandfragments。Irentthefragmentstobits。Icastthebleedingrubbishintothefire，anddrewintomynostrilsthegratefulincenseofmyburnt—offering。Atlast，andforever，myConsciencewasdead！

Iwasafreeman！Iturneduponmypooraunt，whowasalmostpetrifiedwithterror，andshouted：

"Outofthiswithyourpaupers，yourcharities，yourreforms，yourpestilentmorals！Youbeholdbeforeyouamanwhoselife—conflictisdone，whosesoulisatpeace；amanwhoseheartisdeadtosorrow，deadtosuffering，deadtoremorse；amanWITHOUTACONSCIENCE！InmyjoyI

spareyou，thoughIcouldthrottleyouandneverfeelapang！Fly！"

Shefled。Sincethatdaymylifeisallbliss。Bliss，unalloyedbliss。

Nothinginalltheworldcouldpersuademetohaveaconscienceagain。

Isettledallmyoldoutstandingscores，andbegantheworldanew。

Ikilledthirty—eightpersonsduringthefirsttwoweeks——allofthemonaccountofancientgrudges。Iburnedadwellingthatinterruptedmyview。Iswindledawidowandsomeorphansoutoftheirlastcow，whichisaverygoodone，thoughnotthoroughbred，Ibelieve。Ihavealsocommittedscoresofcrimes，ofvariouskinds，andhaveenjoyedmyworkexceedingly，whereasitwouldformerlyhavebrokenmyheartandturnedmyhairgray，Ihavenodoubt。

Inconclusion，Iwishtostate，bywayofadvertisement，thatmedicalcollegesdesiringassortedtrampsforscientificpurposes，eitherbythegross，bycordmeasurement，orperton，willdowelltoexaminethelotinmycellarbeforepurchasingelsewhere，asthesewereallselectedandpreparedbymyself，andcanbehadatalowrate，becauseIwishtoclear，outmystockandgetreadyforthespringtrade。