第3章

”That’sMonsieurDutocq，”saidAntoine。”Iknowhimbythatpickpocketstepofhis。Heisalwaysmovingroundonthesly，thatman。Heisonyourbackbeforeyouknowit。Yesterday，contrarytohisusualways，heoutstayedthelastmanintheoffice；suchathinghasn’thappenedthreetimessincehehasbeenattheministry。”HerefollowstheportraitofMonsieurDutocq，order-clerkintheRabourdinbureau:Thirty-eightyearsold，oblongfaceandbiliousskin，grizzledhairalwayscutclose，lowforehead，heavyeyebrowsmeetingtogether，acrookednoseandpinchedlips；tall，therightshoulderslightlyhigherthantheleft；browncoat，blackwaistcoat，silkcravat，yellowishtrousers，blackwoollenstockings，andshoeswithflappingbows；thusyoubeholdhim。Idleandincapable，hehatedRabourdin，——naturallyenough，forRabourdinhadnovicetoflatter，andnobadorweaksideonwhichDutocqcouldmakehimselfuseful。Fartoonobletoinjureaclerk，thechiefwasalsotooclear-sightedtobedeceivedbyanymake-believe。DutocqkepthisplacethereforesolelythroughRabourdin’sgenerosity，andwasverycertainthathecouldneverbepromotedifthelattersucceededLaBillardiere。Thoughheknewhimselfincapableofimportantwork，Dutocqwaswellawarethatinagovernmentofficeincapacitywasnohindrancetoadvancement；LaBillardiere’sownappointmentovertheheadofsocapableamanasRabourdinhadbeenastrikingandfatalexampleofthis。Wickednesscombinedwithself-interestworkswithapowerequivalenttothatofintellect；evillydisposedandwhollyself-

interested，Dutocqhadendeavouredtostrengthenhispositionbybecomingaspyinalltheoffices。After1816heassumedamarkedreligioustone，foreseeingthefavorwhichthefoolsofthosedayswouldbestowonthosetheyindiscriminatelycalledJesuits。Belongingtothatfraternityinspirit，thoughnotadmittedtoitsrites，Dutocqwentfrombureautobureau，soundedconsciencesbyrecountingimmoraljests，andthenreportedandparaphrasedresultstodesLupeaulx；thelatterthuslearnedallthetrivialeventsoftheministry，andoftensurprisedtheministerbyhisconsummateknowledgeofwhatwasgoingon。HetoleratedDutocqundertheideathatcircumstancesmightsomedaymakehimuseful，wereitonlytogethimorsomedistinguishedfriendofhisoutofascrapebyadisgracefulmarriage。Thetwounderstoodeachotherwell。DutocqhadsucceededMonsieurPoirettheelder，whohadretiredin1814，andnowlivedinthepensionVanquerintheLatinquarter。DutocqhimselflivedinapensionintheruedeBeaune，andspenthiseveningsinthePalais-Royal，sometimesgoingtothetheatre，thankstoduBruel，whogavehimanauthor’sticketaboutonceaweek。Andnow，awordonduBruel。

ThoughSebastiendidhisworkattheofficeforthesmallcompensationwehavementioned，duBruelwasinthehabitofcomingtheretoadvertisethefactthathewastheunder-head-clerkandtodrawhissalary。Hisrealworkwasthatofdramaticcritictoaleadingministerialjournal，inwhichhealsowrotearticlesinspiredbytheministers，——averywellunderstood，clearlydefined，andquiteunassailableposition。DuBruelwasnotlackinginthosediplomaticlittletrickswhichgosofartoconciliategeneralgood-will。HesentMadameRabourdinanopera-boxforafirstrepresentation，tookherthereinacarriageandbroughtherback，——anattentionwhichevidentlypleasedher。Rabourdin，whowasneverexactingwithhissubordinatesallowedduBrueltogoofftorehearsals，cometotheofficeathisownhours，andworkathisvaudevilleswhenthere。

MonsieurleDucdeChaulieu，theminister，knewthatduBruelwaswritinganovelwhichwastobededicatedtohimself。Dressedwiththecarelesseaseofatheatreman，duBruelwore，inthemorning，trousersstrappedunderhisfeet，shoeswithgaiters，awaistcoatevidentlyvampedover，anolivesurtout，andablackcravat。Atnightheplayedthegentlemaninelegantclothes。Helived，forgoodreasons，inthesamehouseasFlorine，anactressforwhomhewroteplays。DuBruel，ortogivehimhispenname，Cursy，wasworkingjustnowatapieceinfiveactsfortheFrancais。Sebastienwasdevotedtotheauthor，——whooccasionallygavehimticketstothepit，——andapplaudedhispiecesatthepartswhichduBrueltoldhimwereofdoubtfulinterest，withallthefaithandenthusiasmofhisyears。Infact，theyouthlookedupontheplaywrightasagreatauthor，anditwastoSebastienthatduBruelsaid，thedayafterafirstrepresentationofavaudevilleproduced，likeallvaudevilles，bythreecollaborators，”Theaudiencepreferredthesceneswrittenbytwo。””Whydon’tyouwritealone？”askedSebastiennaively。

ThereweregoodreasonswhyduBrueldidnotwritealone。Hewasthethirdofanauthor。Adramaticwriter，asfewpeopleknow，ismadeupofthreeindividuals；first，themanwithbrainswhoinventsthesubjectandmapsoutthestructure，orscenario，ofthevaudeville；

second，theplodder，whoworksthepieceintoshape；andthird，thetoucher-up，whosetsthesongstomusic，arrangesthechorusandconcertedpiecesandfitsthemintotheirrightplace，andfinallywritesthepuffsandadvertisements。DuBruelwasaplodder；attheofficehereadthenewestbooks，extractedtheirwit，andlaiditbyforuseinhisdialogues。Hewaslikedbyhiscollaboratorsonaccountofhiscarefulness；themanwithbrains，sureofbeingunderstood，couldcrosshisarmsandfeelthathisideaswouldbewellrendered。

Theclerksintheofficelikedtheircompanionwellenoughtoattendafirstperformanceofhisplaysinabodyandapplaudthem，forhereallydeservedthetitleofagoodfellow。Hishandwentreadilytohispocket；icesandpunchwerebestowedwithoutprodding，andheloanedfiftyfrancswithoutaskingthemback。Heownedacountry-houseatAulnay，laidbyhismoney，andhad，besidesthefourthousandfivehundredfrancsofhissalaryundergovernment，twelvehundredfrancspensionfromthecivillist，andeighthundredfromthethreehundredthousandfrancsfundvotedbytheChambersforencouragementoftheArts。Addtothesediverseemolumentsninethousandfrancsearnedbyhisquarters，thirds，andhalvesofplaysinthreedifferenttheatres，andyouwillreadilyunderstandthatsuchamanmustbephysicallyround，fat，andcomfortable，withthefaceofaworthycapitalist。Astomorals，hewastheloverandthebelovedofTulliaandfelthimselfpreferredinhearttothebrilliantDucdeRhetore，theloverinchief。

DutocqhadseenwithgreatuneasinesswhathecalledtheliaisonofdesLupeaulxwithMadameRabourdin，andhissilentwrathonthesubjectwasaccumulating。HehadtoopryinganeyenottohaveguessedthatRabourdinwasengagedinsomegreatworkoutsideofhisofficiallabors，andhewasprovokedtofeelthatheknewnothingaboutit，whereasthatlittleSebastienwas，whollyorinpart，inthesecret。

DutocqwasintimatewithGodard，under-head-clerktoBaudoyer，andthehighesteeminwhichDutocqheldBaudoyerwastheoriginalcauseofhisacquaintancewithGodard；notthatDutocqwassincereeveninthis；butbypraisingBaudoyerandsayingnothingofRabourdinhesatisfiedhishatredafterthefashionoflittleminds。

JosephGodard，acousinofMitralonthemother’sside，madepretensiontothehandofMademoiselleBaudoyer，notperceivingthathermotherwaslayingsiegetoFalliexasason-in-law。Hebroughtlittlegiftstotheyounglady，artificialflowers，bonbonsonNew-

Year’sdayandprettyboxesforherbirthday。Twenty-sixyearsofage，aworkerworkingwithoutpurpose，steadyasagirl，monotonousandapathetic，holdingcafes，cigars，andhorsemanshipindetestation，goingtobedregularlyatteno’clockandrisingatseven，giftedwithsomesocialtalents，suchasplayingquadrillemusicontheflute，whichfirstbroughthimintofavorwiththeSaillardsandtheBaudoyers。HewasmoreoverafiferintheNationalGuard，——toescapehisturnofsittingupallnightinabarrack-room。Godardwasdevotedmoreespeciallytonaturalhistory。Hemadecollectionsofshellsandminerals，knewhowtostuffbirds，keptamassofcuriositiesboughtfornothinginhisbedroom；tookpossessionofphialsandemptyperfumebottlesforhisspecimens；pinnedbutterfliesandbeetlesunderglass，hungChineseparasolsonthewalls，togetherwithdriedfishskins。Helivedwithhissister，anartificial-flowermaker，intheduedeRichelieu。Thoughmuchadmiredbymammasthismodelyoungmanwaslookeddownuponbyhissister’sshop-girls，whohadtriedtoinveiglehim。Slimandlean，ofmediumheight，withdarkcirclesroundhiseyes，JosephGodardtooklittlecareofhisperson；hisclotheswereill-cut，histrousersbagged，heworewhitestockingsatallseasonsoftheyear，ahatwithanarrowbrimandlacedshoes。Hewasalwayscomplainingofhisdigestion。Hisprincipalvicewasamaniaforproposingruralpartiesduringthesummerseason，excursionstoMontmorency，picnicsonthegrass，andvisitstocreameriesontheboulevardduMont-Parnasse。ForthelastsixmonthsDutocqhadtakentovisitingMademoiselleGodardfromtimetotime，withcertainviewsofhisown，hopingtodiscoverinherestablishmentsomefemaletreasure。

ThusBaudoyerhadapairofhenchmeninDutocqandGodard。MonsieurSaillard，tooinnocenttojudgerightlyofDutocq，wasinthehabitofpayinghimfrequentlittlevisitsattheoffice。YoungLaBillardiere，thedirector’sson，placedassupernumerarywithBaudoyer，madeanothermemberoftheclique。Thecleverheadsintheofficeslaughedmuchatthisallianceofincapables。BixiounamedBaudoyer，Godard，andDutocqa”TrinitywithouttheSpirit，”andlittleLaBillardierethe”PascalLamb。””Youareearlythismorning，”saidAntoinetoDutocq，laughing。”Soareyou，Antoine，”answeredDutocq；”yousee，thenewspapersdocomeearlierthanyouletushavethemattheoffice。””Theydidto-day，bychance，”repliedAntoine，notdisconcerted；”theynevercometwodaystogetheratthesamehour。”

Thetwonephewslookedateachotherasiftosay，inadmirationoftheiruncle，”Whatcheekhehas！””ThoughImaketwosousbyallhisbreakfasts，”mutteredAntoine，asheheardMonsieurDutocqclosetheofficedoor，”I’dgivethemuptogetthatmanoutofourdivision。””Ah，MonsieurSebastien，youarenotthefirsthereto-day，”saidAntoine，aquarterofanhourlater，tothesupernumerary。”Whoishere？”askedthepoorlad，turningpale。”MonsieurDutocq，”answeredLaurent。

Virginnatureshave，beyondallothers，theinexplicablegiftofsecond-sight，thereasonofwhichliesperhapsinthepurityoftheirnervoussystems，whichare，asitwere，brand-new。SebastienhadlongguessedDutocq’shatredtohisreveredRabourdin。SothatwhenLaurentutteredhisnameadreadfulpresentimenttookpossessionofthelad’smind，andcryingout，”Ifearedit！”heflewlikeanarrowintothecorridor。”Thereisgoingtobearowinthedivision，”saidAntoine，shakinghiswhiteheadasheputonhislivery。”ItisverycertainthatMonsieurlebaronisofftohisaccount。Yes，MadameGruget，thenurse，toldmehecouldn’tlivethroughtheday。Whatastirthere’llbe！oh！won’tthere！Goalong，youfellows，andseeifthestovesaredrawingproperly。Heavensandearth！ourworldiscomingdownaboutourears。””Thatpooryoungone，”saidLaurent，”hadasortofsunstrokewhenheheardthatJesuitofaDutocqhadgotherebeforehim。””Ihavetoldhimadozentimes，——forafteralloneoughttotellthetruthtoanhonestclerk，andwhatIcallanhonestclerkisonelikethatlittlefellowwhogivesus”recta”histenfrancsonNew-Year’sday，——Ihavesaidtohimagainandagain:Themoreyouworkthemorethey’llmakeyouwork，andtheywon’tpromoteyou。Hedoesn’tlistentome；hetireshimselfoutstayingheretillfiveo’clock，anhourafteralltheothershavegone。Folly！he’llnevergetonthatway！

Theproofisthatnotawordhasbeensaidaboutgivinghimanappointment，thoughhehasbeenheretwoyears。It’sashame！itmakesmybloodboil。””MonsieurRabourdinisveryfondofMonsieurSebastien，”saidLaurent。”ButMonsieurRabourdinisn’taminister，”retortedAntoine；”itwillbeahotdaywhenthathappens，andthehenswillhaveteeth；heistoo——butmum！WhenIthinkthatIcarrysalariestothosehumbugswhostayawayanddoastheyplease，whilethatpoorlittleLaRocheworkshimselftodeath，IaskmyselfifGodeverthinksofthecivilservice。Andwhatdotheygiveyou，thesepetsofMonsieurlemarechalandMonsieurleduc？’Thankyou，mydearAntoine，thankyou，’withagraciousnod！Packofsluggards！gotowork，oryou’llbringanotherrevolutionaboutyourears。Didn’tseesuchgoings-onunderMonsieurRobertLindet。Iknow，forIservedmyapprenticeshipunderRobertLindet。Theclerkshadtoworkinhisday！Yououghttohaveseenhowtheyscratchedpaperheretillmidnight；why，thestoveswentoutandnobodynoticedit。Itwasallbecausetheguillotinewasthere！now-a-

daystheyonlymark’emwhentheycomeinlate！””UncleAntoine，”saidGabriel，”asyouaresotalkativethismorning，justtelluswhatyouthinkaclerkreallyoughttobe。””Agovernmentclerk，”repliedAntoine，gravely，”isamanwhositsinagovernmentofficeandwrites。Butthere，there，whatamItalkingabout？Withouttheclerks，whereshouldwebe，I’dliketoknow？Goalongandlookafteryourstovesandmindyouneversayharmofagovernmentclerk，youfellows。Gabriel，thestoveinthelargeofficedrawslikethedevil；youmustturnthedamper。”

Antoinestationedhimselfatacornerofthelandingwhencehecouldseealltheofficialsastheyenteredtheporte-cochere；hekneweveryoneattheministry，andwatchedtheirbehavior，observingnarrowlythecontrastsintheirdressandappearance。

ThefirsttoarriveafterSebastienwasaclerkofdeedsinRabourdin’sofficenamedPhellion，arespectablefamily-man。Totheinfluenceofhischiefheowedahalf-scholarshipforeachofhistwosonsintheCollegeHenriIV。；whilehisdaughterwasbeingeducatedgratisataboardingschoolwherehiswifegavemusiclessonsandhehimselfacourseofhistoryandoneofgeographyintheevenings。Hewasaboutforty-fiveyearsofage，sergeant-majorofhiscompanyintheNationalGuard，verycompassionateinfeelingandwords，butwhollyunabletogiveawayapenny。Proudofhispost，however，andsatisfiedwithhislot，heappliedhimselffaithfullytoservethegovernment，believedhewasusefultohiscountry，andboastedofhisindifferencetopolitics，knowingnonebutthoseofthemeninpower。

MonsieurRabourdinpleasedhimhighlywheneverheaskedhimtostayhalfanhourlongertofinishapieceofwork。Onsuchoccasionshewouldsay，whenhereachedhome，”Publicaffairsdetainedme；whenamanbelongstothegovernmentheisnolongermasterofhimself。”Hecompiledbooksofquestionsandanswersonvariousstudiesfortheuseofyoungladiesinboarding-schools。Theselittle”solidtreatises，”

ashecalledthem，weresoldattheUniversitylibraryunderthenameof”HistoricalandGeographicCatechisms。”Feelinghimselfindutyboundtoofferacopyofeachvolume，boundinredmorocco，toMonsieurRabourdin，healwayscameinfulldresstopresentthem，——

breechesandsilkstockings，andshoeswithgoldbuckles。MonsieurPhellionreceivedhisfriendsonThursdayevenings，onwhichoccasionsthecompanyplayedbouillote，atfivesousagame，andwereregaledwithcakesandbeer。HehadneveryetdaredtoinviteMonsieurRabourdintohonorhimwithhispresence，thoughhewouldhaveregardedsuchaneventasthemostdistinguishedofhislife。HesaidifhecouldleaveoneofhissonsfollowinginthestepsofMonsieurRabourdinheshoulddiethehappiestfatherintheworld。

OneofhisgreatestpleasureswastoexploretheenvironsofParis，whichhedidwithamap。HekneweveryinchofArcueil，Bievre，Fontenay-aux-Roses，andAulnay，sofamousastheresortofgreatwriters，andhopedintimetoknowthewholewesternsideofthecountryaroundParis。HeintendedtoputhiseldestsonintoagovernmentofficeandhissecondintotheEcolePolytechnique。Heoftensaidtotheelder，”Whenyouhavethehonortobeagovernmentclerk”；thoughhesuspectedhimofapreferencefortheexactsciencesanddidhisbesttorepressit，mentallyresolvedtoabandontheladtohisowndevicesifhepersisted。WhenRabourdinsentforhimtocomedownandreceiveinstructionsaboutsomeparticularpieceofwork，Phelliongaveallhismindtoit，——listeningtoeverywordthechiefsaid，asadilettantelistenstoanairattheOpera。Silentintheoffice，withhisfeetintheairrestingonawoodendesk，andnevermovingthem，hestudiedhistaskconscientiously。Hisofficialletterswerewrittenwiththeutmostgravity，andtransmittedthecommandsoftheministerinsolemnphrases。MonsieurPhellion’sfacewasthatofapensiveram，withlittlecolorandpittedbythesmall-

pox；thelipswerethickandtheloweronependent；theeyeslight-

blue，andhisfigureabovethecommonheight。Neatandcleanasamasterofhistoryandgeographyinayoungladies’schooloughttobe，heworefinelinen，apleatedshirt-frill，ablackcashmerewaistcoat，leftopenandshowingapairofbracesembroideredbyhisdaughter，adiamondinthebosomofhisshirt，ablackcoat，andbluetrousers。Inwinterheaddedanut-coloredbox-coatwiththreecapes，andcarriedaloadedstick，necessitated，hesaid，bytheprofoundsolitudeofthequarterinwhichhelived。Hehadgivenuptakingsnuff，andreferredtothisreformasastrikingexampleoftheempireamancouldexerciseoverhimself。MonsieurPhellioncameslowlyupthestairs，forhewasafraidofasthma，havingwhathecalledan”adiposechest。”

HesalutedAntoinewithdignity。

Thenexttofollowwasacopying-clerk，whopresentedastrangecontrasttothevirtuousPhellion。Vimeuxwasayoungmanoftwenty-

five，withasalaryoffifteenhundredfrancs，well-madeandgraceful，witharomanticface，andeyes，hair，beard，andeyebrowsasblackasjet，fineteeth，charminghands，andwearingamoustachesocarefullytrimmedthatheseemedtohavemadeitthebusinessandoccupationofhislife。Vimeuxhadsuchaptitudeforworkthathedespatcheditmuchquickerthananyoftheotherclerks。”Hehasagift，thatyoungman！”

Phellionsaidofhimwhenhesawhimcrosshislegsandhavenothingtodofortherestoftheday，havinggotthroughhisappointedtask；”andseewhatalittledandyheis！”Vimeuxbreakfastedonarollandaglassofwater，dinedfortwentysousatKatcomb’s，andlodgedinafurnishedroom，forwhichhepaidtwelvefrancsamonth。Hishappiness，hissolepleasureinlife，wasdress。Heruinedhimselfinmiraculouswaistcoats，introusersthatweretight，half-tight，pleated，orembroidered；insuperfineboots，well-madecoatswhichoutlinedhiselegantfigure；inbewitchingcollars，spotlessgloves，andimmaculatehats。Aringwithacoatofarmsadornedhishand，outsidehisglove，fromwhichdangledahandsomecane；withtheseaccessoriesheendeavouredtoassumetheairandmannerofawealthyyoungman。AftertheofficeclosedheappearedinthegreatwalkoftheTuileries，withatooth-pickinhismouth，asthoughhewereamillionairewhohadjustdined。Alwaysonthelookoutforawoman，——anEnglishwoman，aforeignerofsomekind，orawidow，——whomightfallinlovewithhim，hepractisedtheartoftwirlinghiscaneandofflingingthesortofglancewhichBixioutoldhimwasAmerican。Hesmiledtoshowhisfineteeth；heworenosocksunderhisboots，buthehadhishaircurledeveryday。Vimeuxwasprepared，inaccordancewithfixedprinciples，tomarryahunch-backwithsixthousandayear，orawomanofforty-fiveateightthousand，oranEnglishwomanforhalfthatsum。Phellion，whodelightedinhisneathand-writing，andwasfullofcompassionforthefellow，readhimlecturesonthedutyofgivinglessonsinpenmanship，——anhonorablecareer，hesaid，whichwouldameliorateexistenceandevenrenderitagreeable；hepromisedhimasituationinayoungladies’boarding-school。ButVimeux’sheadwassofullofhisownideathatnohumanbeingcouldpreventhimfromhavingfaithinhisstar。Hecontinuedtolayhimselfout，likeasalmonatafishmonger’s，inspiteofhisemptystomachandthefactthathehadfruitlesslyexhibitedhisenormousmoustacheandhisfineclothesforoverthreeyears。AsheowedAntoinemorethanthirtyfrancsforhisbreakfasts，heloweredhiseyeseverytimehepassedhim；andyetheneverfailedatmiddaytoaskthemantobuyhimaroll。

Aftertryingtogetafewreasonableideasintothisfoolishhead，Rabourdinhadfinallygivenuptheattemptashopeless。Adolphe(hisfamilynamewasAdolphe)hadlatelyeconomizedondinnersandlivedentirelyonbreadandwater，tobuyapairofspursandariding-whip。

JokesattheexpenseofthisstarvingAmadisweremadeonlyinthespiritofmischievousfunwhichcreatesvaudevilles，forhewasreallyakind-heartedfellowandagoodcomrade，whoharmednoonebuthimself。Astandingjokeinthetwobureauswasthequestionwhetherheworecorsets，andbetsdependedonit。VimeuxwasoriginallyappointedtoBaudoyer’sbureau，buthemanoeuvredtogethimselftransferredtoRabourdin’s，onaccountofBaudoyer’sextremeseverityinrelationtowhatwerecalled”theEnglish，”——anamegivenbythegovernmentclerkstotheircreditors。”Englishday”meansthedayonwhichthegovernmentofficesarethrownopentothepublic。Certainthenoffindingtheirdelinquentdebtors，thecreditorsswarminandtormentthem，askingwhentheyintendtopay，andthreateningtoattachtheirsalaries。TheimplacableBaudoyercompelledtheclerkstoremainattheirdesksandendurethistorture。”Itwastheirplacenottomakedebts，”hesaid；andheconsideredhisseverityasadutywhichheowedtothepublicweal。Rabourdin，onthecontrary，protectedtheclerksagainsttheircreditors，andturnedthelatteraway，sayingthatthegovernmentbureauswereopenforpublicbusiness，notprivate。MuchridiculepursuedVimeuxinbothbureauswhentheclankofhisspursresoundedinthecorridorsandonthestaircases。Thewagoftheministry，Bixiou，sentroundapaper，headedbyacaricatureofhisvictimonapasteboardhorse，askingforsubscriptionstobuyhimalivecharger。MonsieurBaudoyerwasdownforabaleofhaytakenfromhisownforageallowance，andeachoftheclerkswrotehislittleepigram；Vimeuxhimself，good-naturedfellowthathewas，subscribedunderthenameof”MissFairfax。”

HandsomeclerksoftheVimeuxstylehavetheirsalariesonwhichtolive，andtheirgoodlooksbywhichtomaketheirfortune。Devotedtomaskedballsduringthecarnival，theyseektheirluckthere，thoughitoftenescapesthem。Manyendthewearyroundbymarryingmilliners，oroldwomen，——sometimes，however，youngoneswhoarecharmedwiththeirhandsomepersons，andwithwhomtheysetuparomanceillustratedwithstupidloveletters，which，nevertheless，seemtoanswertheirpurpose。

Bixiou(pronounceitBisiou)wasadraughtsman，whoridiculedDutocqasreadilyashedidRabourdin，whomhenicknamed”thevirtuouswoman。”Withoutdoubtthecleverestmaninthedivisionorevenintheministry(butcleverafterthefashionofamonkey，withoutaimorsequence)，BixiouwassoessentiallyusefultoBaudoyerandGodardthattheyupheldandprotectedhiminspiteofhismisconduct；forhedidtheirworkwhentheywereincapableofdoingitforthemselves。

BixiouwantedeitherGodard’sorduBruel’splaceasunder-head-clerk，buthisconductinterferedwithhispromotion。Sometimeshesneeredatthepublicservice；thiswasusuallyafterhehadmadesomehappyhit，suchasthepublicationofportraitsinthefamousFualdescase(forwhichhedrewfaceshap-hazard)，orhissketchofthedebateontheCastaingaffair。Atothertimes，whenpossessedwithadesiretogeton，hereallyappliedhimselftowork，thoughhewouldsoonleaveofftowriteavaudeville，whichwasneverfinished。Athoroughegoist，aspendthriftandamiserinone，——thatistosay，spendinghismoneysolelyonhimself，——sharp，aggressive，andindiscreet，hedidmischiefformischief’ssake；aboveall，heattackedtheweak，respectednothingandbelievedinnothing，neitherinFrance，norinGod，norinart，norintheGreeks，norintheTurks，norinthemonarchy，——

insultinganddisparagingeverythingthathecouldnotcomprehend。HewasthefirsttopaintablackcaponCharlesX。’sheadonthefive-

franccoins。HemimickedDr。Gallwhenlecturing，tillhemadethemoststarchedofdiplomatistsbursttheirbuttons。Famousforhispracticaljokes，hevariedthemwithsuchelaboratecarethathealwaysobtainedavictim。Hisgreatsecretinthiswasthepowerofguessingtheinmostwishesofothers；heknewthewaytomanyacastleintheair，tothedreamsaboutwhichamanmaybefooledbecausehewantstobe；andhemadesuchmensittohimforhours。

Thusithappenedthatthiscloseobserver，whocoulddisplayunrivalledtactindevelopingajokeordrivinghomeasarcasm，wasunabletousethesamepowertomakemenfurtherhisfortunesandpromotehim。ThepersonhemostlikedtoannoywasyoungLaBillardiere，hisnightmare，hisdetestation，whomhewasneverthelessconstantlywheedlingsoasthebettertotormenthimonhisweakestside。Hewrotehimloveletterssigned”ComtessedeM——”or”MarquisedeB——”；tookhimtotheOperaongaladaysandpresentedhimtosomegrisetteundertheclock，aftercallingeverybody’sattentiontotheyoungfool。HealliedhimselfwithDutocq(whomheregardedasasolemnjuggler)inhishatredtoRabourdinandhispraiseofBaudoyer，anddidhisbesttosupporthim。Jean-JaquesBixiouwasthegrandsonofaParisiangrocer。Hisfather，whodiedacolonel，lefthimtothecareofhisgrandmother，whomarriedherhead-clerk，namedDescoings，afterthedeathofherfirsthusband，anddiedin1822。Findinghimselfwithoutprospectsonleavingcollege，heattemptedpainting，butinspiteofhisintimacywithJosephBridau，hislife-longfriend，heabandonedarttotakeupcaricature，vignettedesigning，anddrawingforbooks，whichtwentyyearslaterwentbythenameof”illustration。”TheinfluenceoftheDucsdeMaufrigneuseanddeRhetore，whomheknewinthesocietyofactresses，procuredhimhisemploymentundergovernmentin1819。OngoodtermswithdesLupeaulx，withwhominsocietyhestoodonanequality，andintimatewithduBruel，hewasalivingproofofRabourdin’stheoryastothesteadydeteriorationoftheadministrativehierarchyinParisthroughthepersonalimportancewhichagovernmentofficialmayacquireoutsideofagovernmentoffice。Shortinstaturebutwell-formed，withadelicatefaceremarkableforitsvaguelikenesstoNapoleon’s，thinlips，astraightchin，chestnutwhiskers，twenty-sevenyearsold，fair-

skinned，withapiercingvoiceandsparklingeye，——suchwasBixiou；aman，allsenseandallwit，whoabandonedhimselftoamadpursuitofpleasureofeverydescription，whichthrewhimintoaconstantroundofdissipation。Hunterofgrisettes，smoker，jester，diner-outandfrequenterofsupper-parties，alwaystunedtothehighestpitch，shiningequallyinthegreenroomandattheballsgivenamongthegrisettesoftheAlleedesVeuves，hewasjustassurprisinglyentertainingattableasatapicnic，asgayandlivelyatmidnightonthestreetsasinthemorningwhenhejumpedoutofbed，andyetatheartgloomyandmelancholy，likemostofthegreatcomicplayers。

Launchedintotheworldofactorsandactresses，writers，artists，andcertainwomenofuncertainmeans，helivedwell，wenttothetheatrewithoutpaying，gambledatFrascati，andoftenwon。Artistbynatureandreallyprofound，thoughbyflashesonly，heswayedtoandfroinlifelikeaswing，withoutthinkingorcaringofatimewhenthecordwouldbreak。Thelivelinessofhiswitandtheprodigalflowofhisideasmadehimacceptabletoallpersonswhotookpleasureinthelightsofintellect；butnoneofhisfriendslikedhim。Incapableofcheckingawittysaying，hewouldscarifyhistwoneighborsbeforeadinnerwashalfover。Inspiteofhisskin-deepgayety，asecretdissatisfactionwithhissocialpositioncouldbedetectedinhisspeech；heaspiredtosomethingbetter，butthefataldemonhidinginhiswithinderedhimfromacquiringthegravitywhichimposesonfools。HelivedonthesecondfloorofahouseintheruedePonthieu，wherehehadthreeroomsdeliveredovertotheuntidinessofabachelor’sestablishment，infact，aregularbivouac。HeoftentalkedofleavingFranceandseekinghisfortuneinAmerica。Nowizardcouldforetellthefutureofthisyoungmaninwhomalltalentswereincomplete；whowasincapableofperseverance，intoxicatedwithpleasure，andwhoactedonthebeliefthattheworldendedonthemorrow。

InthematterofdressBixiouhadthemeritofneverbeingridiculous；

hewasperhapstheonlyofficialoftheministrywhosedressdidnotleadoutsiderstosay，”Thatmanisagovernmentclerk！”Heworeelegantbootswithblacktrousersstrappedunderthem，afancywaistcoat，abecomingbluecoat，collarsthatwerethenever-endinggiftofgrisettes，oneofBandoni’shats，andapairofdark-coloredkidgloves。Hiswalkandbearing，cavalierandsimpleboth，werenotwithoutgrace。Heknewallthis，andwhendesLupeaulxsummonedhimforapieceofimpertinencesaidanddoneaboutMonsieurdelaBillardiereandthreatenedhimwithdismissal，Bixioureplied，”Youwilltakemebackbecausemyclothesdocredittotheministry”；anddesLupeaulx，unabletokeepfromlaughing，letthematterpass。ThemostharmlessofBixiou’sjokesperpetratedamongtheclerkswastheoneheplayedoffuponGodard，presentinghimwithabutterflyjustbroughtfromChina，whichtheworthymankeepsinhiscollectionandexhibitstothisday，blissfullyunconsciousthatitisonlypaintedpaper。Bixiouhadthepatiencetoworkupthelittlemasterpieceforthesolepurposeofhoaxinghissuperior。

ThedevilalwaysputsamartyrnearaBixiou。Baudoyer’sbureauheldthemartyr，apoorcopying-clerktwenty-twoyearsofage，withasalaryoffifteenhundredfrancs，namedAuguste-Jean-FrancoisMinard。

Minardhadmarriedforlovethedaughterofaporter，anartificial-

flowermakeremployedbyMademoiselleGodard。ZelieLorrain，apupil，inthefirstplace，oftheConservatoire，thenbyturnsadanseuse，asinger，andanactress，hadthoughtofdoingassomanyoftheworking-womendo；butthefearofconsequenceskeptherfromvice。Shewasfloatingundecidedlyalong，whenMinardappeareduponthescenewithadefiniteproposalofmarriage。Zelieearnedfivehundredfrancsayear，Minardhadfifteenhundred。Believingthattheycouldliveontwothousand，theymarriedwithoutsettlements，andstartedwiththeutmosteconomy。Theywenttolive，likedove-turtles，nearthebarrieredeCourcelles，inalittleapartmentatthreehundredfrancsayear，withwhitecottoncurtainstothewindows，aScotchpapercostingfifteensousarollonthewalls，brickfloorswellpolished，walnutfurnitureintheparlor，andatinykitchenthatwasveryclean。Zelienursedherchildrenherselfwhentheycame，cooked，madeherflowers，andkeptthehouse。Therewassomethingverytouchinginthishappyandlaboriousmediocrity。FeelingthatMinardtrulylovedher，Zelielovedhim。Lovebegetslove，——itistheabyssusabyssumoftheBible。Thepoormanlefthisbedinthemorningbeforehiswifewasup，thathemightfetchprovisions。Hecarriedtheflowersshehadfinished，onhiswaytothebureau，andboughthermaterialsonhiswayback；then，whilewaitingfordinner，hestampedoutherleaves，trimmedthetwigs，orrubbedhercolors。Small，slim，andwiry，withcrispredhair，eyesofalightyellow，askinofdazzlingfairness，thoughblotchedwithred，themanhadasturdycouragethatmadenoshow。HeknewthescienceofwritingquiteaswellasVimeux。Attheofficehekeptinthebackground，doinghisallottedtaskwiththecollectedairofamanwhothinksandsuffers。HiswhiteeyelashesandlackofeyebrowsinducedtherelentlessBixioutonamehim”thewhiterabbit。”Minard——theRabourdinofalowersphere——wasfilledwiththedesireofplacinghisZelieinbettercircumstances，andhismindsearchedtheoceanofthewantsofluxuryinhopesoffindinganidea，ofmakingsomediscoveryorsomeimprovementwhichwouldbringhimarapidfortune。Hisapparentdulnesswasreallycausedbythecontinualtensionofhismind；hewentoverthehistoryofCephalicOilsandthePasteofSultans，lucifermatchesandportablegas，jointedsocketsforhydrostaticlamps，——inshort，alltheinfinitelylittleinventionsofmaterialcivilizationwhichpaysowell。HeboreBixiou’sjestsasabusymanbearsthebuzzingofaninsect；hewasnotevenannoyedbythem。Inspiteofhiscleverness，BixiouneverperceivedtheprofoundcontemptwhichMinardfeltforhim。Minardneverdreamedofquarrelling，however，——regardingitasalossoftime。Afterawhilehiscomposuretiredouthistormentor。Healwaysbreakfastedwithhiswife，andatenothingattheoffice。OnceamonthhetookZelietothetheatre，withticketsbestowedbyduBruelorBixiou；forBixiouwascapableofanything，evenofdoingakindness。MonsieurandMadameMinardpaidtheirvisitsinpersononNew-Year’sday。Thosewhosawthemoftenaskedhowitwasthatawomancouldkeepherhusbandingoodclothes，wearaLeghornbonnetwithflowers，embroideredmuslindresses，silkmantles，prunellaboots，handsomefichus，aChineseparasol，anddrivehomeinahackney-coach，andyetbevirtuous；whileMadameCollevilleandother”ladies”ofherkindcouldscarcelymakeendsmeet，thoughtheyhaddoubleMadameMinard’smeans。

Inthetwobureausweretwoclerkssodevotedtoeachotherthattheirfriendshipbecamethebuttofalltherest。HeofthebureauBaudoyer，namedColleville，waschief-clerk，andwouldhavebeenheadofthebureaulongbeforeiftheRestorationhadneverhappened。HiswifewasascleverinherwayasMadameRabourdininhers。Colleville，whowassonofafirstviolinattheopera，fellinlovewiththedaughterofacelebrateddanseuse。FlavieMinoret，oneofthosecapableandcharmingParisianwomenwhoknowhowtomaketheirhusbandshappyandyetpreservetheirownliberty，madetheCollevillehomearendezvousforallourbestartistsandorators。Colleville’shumblepositionundergovernmentwasforgottenthere。Flavie’sconductgavesuchfoodforgossip，however，thatMadameRabourdinhaddeclinedallherinvitations。ThefriendinRabourdin’sbureautowhomCollevillewassoattachedwasnamedThuillier。Allwhoknewoneknewtheother。

Thuillier，called”thehandsomeThuillier，”anex-Lothario，ledasidlealifeasCollevilleledabusyone。Colleville，governmentofficialinthemorningsandfirstclarionetattheOpera-Comiqueatnight，workedhardtomaintainhisfamily，thoughhewasnotwithoutinfluentialfriends。Hewaslookeduponasaveryshrewdman，——allthemore，perhaps，becausehehidhisambitionsunderashowofindifference。Apparentlycontentwithhislotandlikingwork，hefoundeveryone，eventhechiefs，readytoprotecthisbravecareer。

DuringthelastfewweeksMadameCollevillehadmadeanevidentchangeinthehousehold，andseemedtobetakingtopiety。ThisgaverisetoavaguereportinthebureausthatshethoughtofsecuringsomemorepowerfulinfluencethanthatofFrancoisKeller，thefamousorator，whohadbeenoneofherchiefadorers，butwho，sofar，hadfailedtoobtainabetterplaceforherhusband。Flaviehad，aboutthistime——

anditwasoneofhermistakes——turnedforhelptodesLupeaulx。

Collevillehadapassionforreadingthehoroscopesoffamousmenintheanagramoftheirnames。Hepassedwholemonthsindecomposingandrecomposingwordsandfittingthemtonewmeanings。”UnCorselafinira，”foundwithinthewords，”RevolutionFrancaise”；”Eh，c’estlargenez，”in”CharlesGenest，”anabbeatthecourtofLouisXIV。，whosehugenoseisrecordedbySaint-SimonasthedelightoftheDucdeBourgogne(theexigenciesofthislastanagramrequiredthesubstitutionofazforans)，——wereanever-endingmarveltoColleville。Raisingtheanagramtotheheightofascience，hedeclaredthatthedestinyofeverymanwaswritteninthewordsorphrasegivenbythetranspositionofthelettersofhisnamesandtitles；andhispatriotismstruggledhardtosuppressthefact——signalevidenceforhistheory——thatinHoratioNelson，”honorestaNilo。”

EversincetheaccessionofCharlesX。，hehadbestowedmuchthoughtontheking’sanagram。Thuillier，whowasfondofmakingpuns，declaredthatananagramwasnothingmorethanapunonletters。ThesightofColleville，amanofrealfeeling，boundalmostindissolublytoThuillier，themodelofanegoist，presentedadifficultproblemtothemindofanobserver。Theclerksintheofficesexplaineditbysaying，”Thuillierisrich，andtheCollevillehouseholdcostly。”Thisfriendship，however，consolidatedbytime，wasbasedonfeelingsandonfactswhichnaturallyexplainedit；anaccountofwhichmaybefoundelsewhere(see”LesPetitsBourgeois”)。WemayremarkinpassingthatthoughMadameCollevillewaswellknowninthebureaus，theexistenceofMadameThuillierwasalmostunknownthere。Colleville，anactiveman，burdenedwithafamilyofchildren，wasfat，round，andjolly，whereasThuillier，”thebeauoftheEmpire”withoutapparentanxietiesandalwaysatleisure，wasslenderandthin，withalividfaceandamelancholyair。”Weneverknow，”saidRabourdin，speakingofthetwomen，”whetherourfriendshipsarebornoflikenessorofcontrast。”

UnliketheseSiamesetwins，twootherclerks，ChazelleandPaulmier，wereforeversquabbling。Onesmoked，theothertooksnuff，andthemeritsoftheirrespectiveuseoftobaccoweretheoriginofceaselessdisputes。Chazelle’shome，whichwastyrannizedoverbyawife，furnishedasubjectofendlessridiculetoPaulmier；whereasPaulmier，abachelor，oftenhalf-starvedlikeVimeux，withraggedclothesandhalf-concealedpenurywasafruitfulsourceofridiculetoChazelle。

Bothwerebeginningtoshowaprotuberantstomach；Chazelle’s，whichwasroundandprojecting，hadtheimpertinence，soBixiousaid，toentertheroomfirst；Paulmier’scorporationspreadtorightandleft。

AfavoriteamusementwithBixiouwastomeasurethemquarterly。Thetwoclerks，bydintofquarrellingoverthedetailsoftheirlives，andwashingmuchoftheirdirtylinenattheoffice，hadobtainedthedisreputewhichtheymerited。”DoyoutakemeforaChazelle？”wasafrequentsayingthatservedtoendmanyanannoyingdiscussion。

MonsieurPoiretjunior，called”junior”todistinguishhimfromhisbrotherMonsieurPoiretsenior(nowlivingintheMaisonVanquer，wherePoiretjuniorsometimesdined，intendingtoendhisdaysinthesameretreat)，hadspentthirtyyearsintheCivilService。NatureherselfisnotsofixedandunvaryinginherevolutionsaswasPoiretjuniorinalltheactsofhisdailylife；healwayslaidhisthingsinpreciselythesameplace，puthispeninthesamerack，satdowninhisseatatthesamehour，warmedhimselfatthestoveatthesamemomentoftheday。Hissolevanityconsistedinwearinganinfalliblewatch，timeddailyattheHoteldeVilleashepasseditonhiswaytotheoffice。Fromsixtoeighto’clockinthemorninghekeptthebooksofalargeshopintherueSaint-Antoine，andfromsixtoeighto’clockintheeveningthoseoftheMaisonCamusot，intheruedesBourdonnais。Hethusearnedthreethousandfrancsayear，countinghissalaryfromthegovernment。Inafewmonthshistermofservicewouldbeup，whenhewouldretireonapension；hethereforeshowedtheutmostindifferencetothepoliticalintriguesofthebureaus。Likehiselderbrother，towhomretirementfromactiveservicehadprovedafatalblow，hewouldprobablygrowanoldmanwhenhecouldnolongercomefromhishometotheministry，sitinthesamechairandcopyacertainnumberofpages。Poiret’seyesweredim，hisglanceweakandlifeless，hisskindiscoloredandwrinkled，grayintoneandspeckledwithbluishdots；hisnoseflat，hislipsdrawninwardtothemouth，whereafewdefectiveteethstilllingered。Hisgrayhair，flattenedtotheheadbythepressureofhishat，gavehimthelookofanecclesiastic，——aresemblancehewouldscarcelyhaveliked，forhehatedpriestsandclergy，thoughhecouldgivenoreasonsforhisanti-religiousviews。Thisantipathy，however，didnotpreventhimfrombeingextremelyattachedtowhateveradministrationhappenedtobeinpower。Heneverbuttonedhisoldgreencoat，evenonthecoldestdays，andhealwaysworeshoeswithties，andblacktrousers。

Nohumanlifewaseverlivedsothoroughlybyrule。Poiretkeptallhisreceiptedbills，eventhemosttrifling，andallhisaccount-

books，wrappedinoldshirtsandputawayaccordingtotheirrespectiveyearsfromthetimeofhisentranceattheministry。Roughcopiesofhislettersweredatedandputawayinabox，ticketed”MyCorrespondence。”Hedinedatthesamerestaurant(theSuckingCalfintheplaceduChatelet)，andsatinthesameplace，whichthewaiterskeptforhim。HenevergavefiveminutesmoretimetotheshopintherueSaintAntoinethanjustlybelongedtoit，andathalf-pasteightpreciselyhereachedtheCafeDavid，wherehebreakfastedandremainedtilleleven。Therehelistenedtopoliticaldiscussions，hisarmscrossedonhiscane，hischininhisrighthand，neversayingaword。

Thedameducomptoir，theonlywomantowhomheeverspokewithpleasure，wasthesoleconfidantofthelittleeventsofhislife，forhisseatwasclosetohercounter。Heplayeddominoes，theonlygamehewascapableofunderstanding。Whenhispartnersdidnothappentobepresent，heusuallywenttosleepwithhisbackagainstthewainscot，holdinganewspaperinhishand，thewoodenfilerestingonthemarbleofhistable。HewasinterestedinthebuildingsgoingupinParis，andspenthisSundaysinwalkingabouttoexaminethem。Hewasoftenheardtosay，”IsawtheLouvreemergefromitsrubbish；I

sawthebirthoftheplaceduChatelet，thequaiauxFleursandtheMarkets。”Heandhisbrother，bothbornatTroyes，weresentinyouthtoservetheirapprenticeshipinagovernmentoffice。Theirmothermadeherselfnotoriousbymisconduct，andthetwobrothershadthegriefofhearingofherdeathinthehospitalatTroyes，althoughtheyhadfrequentlysentmoneyforhersupport。Thiseventledthembothnotonlytoabjuremarriage，buttofeelahorrorofchildren；illateasewiththem，theyfearedthemasothersfearmadmen，andwatchedthemwithhaggardeyes。

SincethedaywhenhefirstcametoParisPoiretjuniorhadnevergoneoutsidethecity。Hebeganatthattimetokeepajournalofhislife，inwhichhenoteddownallthestrikingeventsofhisday。DuBrueltoldhimthatLordByrondidthesamething。ThislikenessfilledPoiretjuniorwithdelight，andledhimtobuytheworksofLordByron，translatedbyChastopalli，ofwhichhedidnotunderstandaword。Attheofficehewasoftenseeninamelancholyattitude，asthoughabsorbedinthought，wheninfacthewasthinkingofnothingatall。Hedidnotknowasinglepersoninthehousewherehelived，andalwayscarriedthekeysofhisapartmentaboutwithhim。OnNew-Year’sdayhewentroundandlefthisowncardsonalltheclerksofthedivision。Bixioutookitintohisheadononeofthehottestofdog-

daystoputalayeroflardundertheliningofacertainoldhatwhichPoiretjunior(hewas，bythebye，fifty-twoyearsold)hadwornforthelastnineyears。Bixiou，whohadneverseenanyotherhatonPoiret’shead，dreamedofitanddeclaredhetasteditinhisfood；hethereforeresolved，intheinterestsofhisdigestion，torelievethebureauofthesightofthatamorphousoldhat。Poiretjuniorlefttheofficeregularlyatfouro’clock。Ashewalkedalong，thesun’sraysreflectedfromthepavementsandwallsproducedatropicalheat；hefeltthathisheadwasinundated，——he，whoneverperspired！Feelingthathewasill，oronthepointofbeingso，insteadofgoingasusualtotheSuckingCalfhewenthome，drewoutfromhisdeskthejournalofhislife，andrecordedthefactinthefollowingmanner:——”To-day，July3，1823，overtakenbyextraordinaryperspiration，asign，perhaps，ofthesweating-sickness，amaladywhichprevailsinChampagne。IamabouttoconsultDoctorHaudry。ThediseasefirstappearedasIreachedthehighestpartofthequaidesEcoles。”

Suddenly，havingtakenoffhishat，hebecameawarethatthemysterioussweathadsomecauseindependentofhisownperson。Hewipedhisface，examinedthehat，andcouldfindnothing，forhedidnotventuretotakeoutthelining。Allthishenotedinhisjournal:——”CarriedmyhattotheSieurTournan，hat-makerintherueSaint-

Martin，forthereasonthatIsuspectsomeunknowncauseforthisperspiration，which，inthatcase，mightnotbeperspiration，but，possibly，theeffectofsomethinglatelyadded，orformerlydone，tomyhat。”

MonsieurTournanatonceinformedhiscustomerofthepresenceofagreasysubstance，obtainedbythetrying-outofthefatofapigorsow。ThenextdayPoiretappearedattheofficewithanotherhat，lentbyMonsieurTournanwhileanewonewasmaking；buthedidnotsleepthatnightuntilhehadaddedthefollowingsentencetotheprecedingentriesinhisjournal:”Itisassertedthatmyhatcontainedlard，thefatofapig。”

ThisinexplicablefactoccupiedtheintellectofPoiretjuniorforthespaceoftwoweeks；andheneverknewhowthephenomenonwasproduced。

Theclerkstoldhimtalesofshowersoffrogs，andotherdog-daywonders，alsothestartlingfactthatanimprintoftheheadofNapoleonhadbeenfoundintherootofayoungelm，withothereccentricitiesofnaturalhistory。Vimeuxinformedhimthatonedayhishat——his，Vimeux’s——hadstainedhisforeheadblack，andthathat-

makerswereinthehabitofusingdrugs。AfterthatPoiretpaidmanyvisitstoMonsieurTournantoinquireintohismethodsofmanufacture。

IntheRabourdinbureauwasaclerkwhoplayedthemanofcourageandaudacity，professedtheopinionsoftheLeftcentre，andrebelledagainstthetyranniesofBaudoyerasexerciseduponwhathecalledtheunhappyslavesofthatoffice。HisnamewasFleury。Heboldlysubscribedtoanoppositionnewspaper，woreagrayhatwithabroadbrim，redbandsonhisbluetrousers，abluewaistcoatwithgiltbuttons，andasurtoutcoatcrossedoverthebreastlikethatofaquartermasterofgendarmerie。Thoughunyieldinginhisopinions，hecontinuedtobeemployedintheservice，allthewhilepredictingafatalendtoagovernmentwhichpersistedinupholdingreligion。HeopenlyavowedhissympathyforNapoleon，nowthatthedeathofthatgreatmanputanendtothelawsenactedagainst”thepartisansoftheusurper。”Fleury，ex-captainofaregimentofthelineundertheEmperor，atall，dark，handsomefellow，wasnow，inadditiontohiscivil-servicepost，box-keeperattheCirque-Olympique。BixiouneverventuredontormentingFleury，fortheroughtrooper，whowasagoodshotandcleveratfencing，seemedquitecapableofextremebrutalityifprovoked。Anardentsubscriberto”VictoiresetConquetes，”Fleuryneverthelessrefusedtopayhissubscription，thoughhekeptandreadthecopies，allegingthattheyexceededthenumberproposedintheprospectus。HeadoredMonsieurRabourdin，whohadsavedhimfromdismissal，andwasevenheardtosaythatifanymisfortunehappenedtothechiefthroughanybody’sfaulthewouldkillthatperson。DutocqmeanlycourtedFleurybecausehefearedhim。Fleury，crippledwithdebt，playedmanyatrickonhiscreditors。Expertinlegalmatters，heneversignedapromissorynote；andhadprudentlyattachedhisownsalaryunderthenamesoffictitiouscreditors，sothathewasabletodrawnearlythewholeofithimself。Heplayedecarte，wasthelifeofeveningparties，tossedoffglassesofchampagnewithoutwettinghislips，andknewallthesongsofBerangerbyheart。Hewasproudofhisfull，sonorousvoice。HisthreegreatadmirationswereNapoleon，Bolivar，andBeranger。Foy，Lafitte，andCasimirDelavigneheonlyesteemed。Fleury，asyouwillhaveguessedalready，wasaSoutherner，destined，nodoubt，tobecometheresponsibleeditorofaliberaljournal。

Desroys，themysteriousclerkofthedivision，consortedwithnoone，talkedlittle，andhidhisprivatelifesocarefullythatnooneknewwherehelived，norwhowerehisprotectors，norwhatwerehismeansofsubsistence。Lookingaboutthemforthecausesofthisreserve，someofhiscolleaguesthoughthima”carbonaro，”othersanOrleanist；

therewereothersagainwhodoubtedwhethertocallhimaspyoramanofsolidmerit。Desroyswas，however，simpleandsolelythesonofa”Conventionel，”whodidnotvotetheking’sdeath。Coldandprudentbytemperament，hehadjudgedtheworldandendedbyrelyingonnoonebuthimself。Republicaninsecret，anadmirerofPaul-LouisCourierandafriendofMichaelChrestien，helookedtotimeandpublicintelligencetobringaboutthetriumphofhisopinionsfromendtoendofEurope。HedreamedofanewGermanyandanewItaly。Hisheartswelledwiththatdull，collectivelovewhichwemustcallhumanitarianism，theeldestsonofdeceasedphilanthropy，andwhichistothedivinecatholiccharitywhatsystemistoart，orreasoningtodeed。Thisconscientiouspuritanoffreedom，thisapostleofanimpossibleequality，regrettedkeenlythathispovertyforcedhimtoservethegovernment，andhemadevariouseffortstofindaplaceelsewhere。Tall，lean，lanky，andsolemninappearance，likeamanwhoexpectstobecalledsomedaytolaydownhislifeforacause，helivedonapageofVolney，studiedSaint-Just，andemployedhimselfonavindicationofRobespierre，whomheregardedasthesuccessorofJesusChrist。

ThelastoftheindividualsbelongingtothesebureauswhomeritsasketchhereisthelittleLaBillardiere。Having，tohisgreatmisfortune，losthismother，andbeingundertheprotectionoftheminister，safethereforefromthetyranniesofBaudoyer，andreceivedinalltheministerialsalons，hewasneverthelessdetestedbyeveryonebecauseofhisimpertinenceandconceit。Thetwochiefswerepolitetohim，buttheclerksheldhimatarm’slengthandpreventedallcompanionshipbymeansoftheextremeandgrotesquepolitenesswhichtheybestoweduponhim。Aprettyyouthoftwenty-two，tallandslender，withthemannersofanEnglishman，adandyindress，curledandperfumed，glovedandbootedinthelatestfashion，andtwirlinganeyeglass，BenjamindelaBillardierethoughthimselfacharmingfellowandpossessedallthevicesoftheworldwithnoneofitsgraces。Hewasnowlookingforwardimpatientlytothedeathofhisfather，thathemightsucceedtothetitleofbaron。Hiscardswereprinted”leChevalierdelaBillardiere”andonthewallofhisofficehung，inaframe，hiscoatofarms(sable，twoswordsinsaltire，onachiefazurethreemulletsargent；withthemotto；”Toujoursfidele”)。

Possessedwithamaniafortalkingheraldry，heonceaskedtheyoungVicomtedePortenduerewhyhisarmswerechargedinacertainway，anddrewdownuponhimselfthehappyanswer，”Ididnotmakethem。”HetalkedofhisdevotiontothemonarchyandtheattentionstheDauphinepaidhim。HestoodverywellwithdesLupeaulx，whomhethoughthisfriend，andtheyoftenbreakfastedtogether。Bixiouposedashismentor，andhopedtoridthedivisionandFranceoftheyoungfoolbytemptinghimtoexcesses，andopenlyavowedthatintention。

SuchweretheprincipalfiguresofLaBillardiere’sdivisionoftheministry，wherealsowereotherclerksoflessaccount，whoresembledmoreorlessthosethatarerepresentedhere。Itisdifficultevenforanobservertodecidefromtheaspectofthesestrangepersonalitieswhetherthegoose-quilltribewerebecomingidiotsfromtheeffectsoftheiremploymentorwhethertheyenteredtheservicebecausetheywerenaturalbornfools。PossiblythemakingofthemliesatthedoorofNatureandofthegovernmentboth。Nature，toacivil-serviceclerkis，infact，thesphereoftheoffice；hishorizonisboundedonallsidesbygreenboxes；tohim，atmosphericchangesaretheairofthecorridors，themasculineexhalationscontainedinroomswithoutventilators，theodorofpaper，pens，andink；thesoilhetreadsisatiledpavementorawoodenfloor，strewnwithacuriouslitterandmoistenedbytheattendant’swatering-pot；hisskyistheceilingtowardwhichheyawns；hiselementisdust。Severaldistinguisheddoctorshaveremonstratedagainsttheinfluenceofthissecondnature，bothsavageandcivilized，onthemoralbeingvegetatinginthosedreadfulpenscalledbureaus，wherethesunseldompenetrates，wherethoughtsaretieddowntooccupationslikethatofhorseswhoturnacrankandwho，poorbeasts，yawndistressinglyanddiequickly。

Rabourdinwas，therefore，fullyjustifiedinseekingtoreformtheirpresentcondition，bylesseningtheirnumbersandgivingtoeachalargersalaryandfarheavierwork。Menareneitherweariednorboredwhendoinggreatthings。Underthepresentsystemgovernmentlosesfullyfourhoursoutoftheninewhichtheclerksowetotheservice，——hourswasted，asweshallsee，inconversations，ingossip，indisputes，and，aboveall，inunderhandintriguing。Thereadermusthavehauntedthebureausoftheministerialdepartmentsbeforehecanrealizehowmuchtheirpettyandbelittlingliferesemblesthatofseminaries。Wherevermenlivecollectivelythislikenessisobvious；

inregiments，inlaw-courts，youwillfindtheelementsoftheschoolonasmallerorlargerscale。Thegovernmentclerks，forcedtobetogetherforninehoursoftheday，lookedupontheirofficeasasortofclass-roomwheretheyhadtaskstoperform，wheretheheadofthebureauwasnootherthanaschoolmaster，andwherethegratuitiesbestowedtooktheplaceofprizesgivenouttoproteges，——aplace，moreover，wheretheyteasedandhatedeachother，andyetfeltacertaincomradeship，colderthanthatofaregiment，whichitselfislessheartythanthatofseminaries。Asamanadvancesinlifehegrowsmoreselfish；egoismdevelops，andrelaxesallthesecondarybondsofaffection。Agovernmentofficeis，inshort，amicrocosmofsociety，withitsodditiesandhatreds，itsenvyanditscupidity，itsdeterminationtopushon，nomatterwhogoesunder，itsfrivolousgossipwhichgivessomanywounds，anditsperpetualspying。

CHAPTERV

THEMACHINEINMOTION

AtthismomentthedivisionofMonsieurdelaBillardierewasinastateofunusualexcitement，resultingverynaturallyfromtheeventwhichwasabouttohappen；forheadsofdivisionsdonotdieeveryday，andthereisnoinsuranceofficewherethechancesoflifeanddeatharecalculatedwithmoresagacitythaninagovernmentbureau。

Self-intereststiflesallcompassion，asitdoesinchildren，butthegovernmentserviceaddshypocrisytoboot。

TheclerksofthebureauBaudoyerarrivedateighto’clockinthemorning，whereasthoseofthebureauRabourdinseldomappearedtillnine，——acircumstancewhichdidnotpreventtheworkinthelatterofficefrombeingmorerapidlydispatchedthanthatoftheformer。

Dutocqhadimportantreasonsforcomingearlyonthisparticularmorning。ThepreviouseveninghehadfurtivelyenteredthestudywhereSebastienwasatwork，andhadseenhimcopyingsomepapersforRabourdin；heconcealedhimselfuntilhesawSebastienleavethepremiseswithouttakinganypapersawaywithhim。Certain，therefore，offindingtherathervoluminousmemorandumwhichhehadseen，togetherwithitscopy，insomecornerofthestudy，hesearchedthroughtheboxesoneafteranotheruntilhefinallycameuponthefatallist。Hecarrieditinhothastetoanautograph-printinghouse，whereheobtainedtwopressedcopiesofthememorandum，showing，ofcourse，Rabourdin’sownwriting。Anxiousnottoarousesuspicion，hehadgoneveryearlytotheofficeandreplacedboththememorandumandSebastien’scopyintheboxfromwhichhehadtakenthem。Sebastien，whowaskeptuptillaftermidnightatMadameRabourdin’sparty，was，inspiteofhisdesiretogettotheofficeearly，precededbythespiritofhatred。HatredlivedintherueSaint-Louis-Saint-Honore，whereasloveanddevotionlivedfar-offintherueduRoi-DoreintheMarais。ThisslightdelaywasdestinedtoaffectRabourdin’swholecareer。

Sebastienopenedhisboxeagerly，foundthememorandumandhisownunfinishedcopyallinorder，andlockedthematonceintothedeskasRabourdinhaddirected。ThemorningsaredarkintheseofficestowardstheendofDecember，sometimesindeedthelampsarelittillafterteno’clock；consequentlySebastiendidnothappentonoticethepressureofthecopying-machineuponthepaper。Butwhen，abouthalf-pastnineo’clock，Rabourdinlookedathismemorandumhesawatoncetheeffectsofthecopyingprocess，andallthemorereadilybecausehewasthenconsideringwhethertheseautographicpressescouldnotbemadetodotheworkofcopyingclerks。”Didanyonegettotheofficebeforeyou？”heasked。”Yes，”repliedSebastien，——”MonsieurDutocq。””Ah！well，hewaspunctual。SendAntoinetome。”

ToonobletodistressSebastienuselesslybyblaminghimforamisfortunenowbeyondremedy，Rabourdinsaidnomore。Antoinecame。

Rabourdinaskedifanyclerkhadremainedattheofficeafterfouro’clockthepreviousevening。ThemanrepliedthatMonsieurDutocqhadworkedtherelaterthanMonsieurdelaRoche，whowasusuallythelasttoleave。Rabourdindismissedhimwithanod，andresumedthethreadofhisreflections。”TwiceIhavepreventedhisdismissal，”hesaidtohimself，”andthisismyreward。”

ThismorningwastoRabourdinlikethesolemnhourinwhichgreatcommandersdecideuponabattleandweighallchances。Knowingthespiritofofficiallifebetterthananyone，hewellknewthatitwouldneverpardon，anymorethanaschoolorthegalleysorthearmypardon，whatlookedlikeespionageortale-bearing。Amancapableofinformingagainsthiscomradesisdisgraced，dishonored，despised；theministersinsuchacasewoulddisavowtheirownagents。NothingwaslefttoanofficialsoplacedbuttosendinhisresignationandleaveParis；hishonorispermanentlystained；explanationsareofnoavail；

noonewilleitheraskforthemorlistentothem。Aministermaywelldothesamethingandbethoughtagreatman，abletochoosetherightinstruments；butameresubordinatewillbejudgedasaspy，nomatterwhatmaybehismotives。Whilejustlymeasuringthefollyofsuchjudgment，Rabourdinknewthatitwasall-powerful；andheknew，too，thathewascrushed。Moresurprisedthanoverwhelmed，henowsoughtforthebestcoursetofollowunderthecircumstances；andwithsuchthoughtsinhismindhewasnecessarilyalooffromtheexcitementcausedinthedivisionbythedeathofMonsieurdelaBillardiere；infacthedidnothearofituntilyoungLaBriere，whowasabletoappreciatehissterlingvalue，cametotellhim。Aboutteno’clock，inthebureauBaudoyer，BixiouwasrelatingthelastmomentsofthelifeofthedirectortoMinard，Desroys，MonsieurGodard，whomhehadcalledfromhisprivateoffice，andDutocq，whohadrushedinwithprivatemotivesofhisown。CollevilleandChazellewereabsent。

Bixiou[standingwithhisbacktothestoveandholdingupthesoleofeachbootalternatelytodryattheopendoor]。”Thismorning，athalf-

pastseven，Iwenttoinquireafterourmostworthyandrespectabledirector，knightoftheorderofChrist，etcaetera，etcaetera。Yes，gentlemen，lastnighthewasabeingwithtwentyetcaeteras，to-dayheisnothing，notevenagovernmentclerk。Iaskedallparticularsofhisnurse。Shetoldmethatthismorningatfiveo’clockhebecameuneasyabouttheroyalfamily。Heaskedforthenamesofalltheclerkswhohadcalledtoinquireafterhim；andthenhesaid:’Fillmysnuff-box，givemethenewspaper，bringmyspectacles，andchangemyribbonoftheLegionofhonor，——itisverydirty。’Isupposeyouknowhealwaysworehisordersinbed。Hewasfullyconscious，retainedhissensesandallhisusualideas。But，presto！tenminuteslaterthewaterrose，rose，roseandfloodedhischest；heknewhewasdyingforhefeltthecystsbreak。Atthatfatalmomenthegaveevidentproofofhispowerfulmindandvastintellect。Ah，weneverrightlyappreciatedhim！Weusedtolaughathimandcallhimabooby——didn’tyou，MonsieurGodard？”

Godard。”I？IalwaysratedMonsieurdelaBillardiere’stalentshigherthantherestofyou。”

Bixiou。”Youandhecouldunderstandeachother！”

Godard。”Hewasn’tabadman；heneverharmedanyone。”

Bixiou。”Todoharmyoumustdosomething，andheneverdidanything。

Ifitwasn’tyouwhosaidhewasadolt，itmusthavebeenMinard。”

Minard[shrugginghisshoulders]。”I！”

Bixiou。”Well，thenitwasyou，Dutocq！”[Dutocqmadeavehementgestureofdenial。]”Oh！verygood，thenitwasnobody。Everyoneinthisofficeknewhisintellectwasherculean。Well，youwereright。Heended，asIhavesaid，likethegreatmanthathewas。”

Desroys[impatiently]。”Praywhatdidhedothatwassogreat？hehadtheweaknesstoconfesshimself。”

Bixiou。”Yes，monsieur，hereceivedtheholysacraments。Butdoyouknowwhathedidinordertoreceivethem？Heputonhisuniformasgentleman-in-ordinaryoftheBedchamber，withallhisorders，andhadhimselfpowdered；theytiedhisqueue(thatpoorqueue！)withafreshribbon。NowIsaythatnonebutamanofremarkablecharacterwouldhavehisqueuetiedwithafreshribbonjustashewasdying。Thereareeightofushere，andIdon’tbelieveoneamongusiscapableofsuchanact。Butthat’snotall；hesaid，——foryouknowallcelebratedmenmakeadyingspeech；hesaid，——stopnow，whatdidhesay？Ah！hesaid，’ImustattiremyselftomeettheKingofHeaven，——I，whohavesooftendressedinmybestforaudiencewiththekingsofearth。’

That’showMonsieurdelaBillardieredepartedthislife。HetookuponhimselftojustifythesayingofPythagoras，’Nomanisknownuntilhedies。’”

Colleville[rushingin]。”Gentlemen，greatnews！”

All。”Weknowit。”

Colleville。”Idefyyoutoknowit！IhavebeenhuntingforiteversincetheaccessionofHisMajestytothethronesofFranceandofNavarre。LastnightIsucceeded！butwithwhatlabor！MadameCollevilleaskedmewhatwasthematter。”

Dutocq。”DoyouthinkwehavetimetobotherourselveswithyourintolerableanagramswhentheworthyMonsieurdelaBillardierehasjustexpired？”

Colleville。”That’sBixiou’snonsense！IhavejustcomefromMonsieurdelaBillardiere’s；heisstillliving，thoughtheyexpecthimtodiesoon。”[Godard，indignantatthehoax，goesoffgrumbling。]”Gentlemen！youwouldneverguesswhatextraordinaryeventsarerevealedbytheanagramofthissacramentalsentence”[hepullsoutapieceofpaperandreads]，”Charlesdix，parlagracedeDieu，roideFranceetdeNavarre。”

Godard[re-entering]。”Tellwhatitisatonce，anddon’tkeeppeoplewaiting。”

Colleville[triumphantlyunfoldingtherestofthepaper]。”Listen！”AH。V。ilcedera；

DeS。C。l。d。partira；

Ehnauferrera，DecideaGorix。”Everyletteristhere！”[Herepeatsit。]”AHenrycinqcedera(hiscrownofcourse)；deSaint-Cloudpartira；ennauf(that’sanoldFrenchwordforskiff，vessel，felucca，corvette，anythingyoulike)

errera——”

Dutocq。”Whatatissueofabsurdities！HowcantheKingcedehiscrowntoHenryV。，who，accordingtoyournonsense，mustbehisgrandson，whenMonseigneurleDauphinisliving。AreyouprophesyingtheDauphin’sdeath？”

Bixiou。”What’sGorix，pray？——thenameofacat？”

Colleville[provoked]。”Itisthearchaeologicalandlapidarialabbreviationofthenameofatown，mygoodfriend；IlookeditoutinMalte-Brun:Goritz，inLatinGorixia，situatedinBohemiaorHungary，oritmaybeAustria——”

Bixiou。”Tyrol，theBasqueprovinces，orSouthAmerica。Whydon’tyousetitalltomusicandplayitontheclarionet？”

Godard[shrugginghisshouldersanddeparting]。”Whatutternonsense！”

Colleville。”Nonsense！nonsenseindeed！Itisapityyoudon’ttakethetroubletostudyfatalism，thereligionoftheEmperorNapoleon。”

Godard[irritatedatColleville’stone]。”MonsieurColleville，letmetellyouthatBonapartemayperhapsbestyledEmperorbyhistorians，butitisextremelyoutofplacetorefertohimassuchinagovernmentoffice。”

Bixiou[laughing]。”Getananagramoutofthat，mydearfellow。”

Colleville[angrily]。”LetmetellyouthatifNapoleonBonapartehadstudiedthelettersofhisnameonthe14thofApril，1814，hemightperhapsbeEmperorstill。”

Bixiou。”Howdoyoumakethatout？”

Colleville[solemnly]。”NapoleonBonaparte——No，appearnotatElba！”

Dutocq。”You’llloseyourplacefortalkingsuchnonsense。”

Colleville。”Ifmyplaceistakenfromme，FrancoisKellerwillmakeithotforyourminister。”[Deadsilence。]”I’dhaveyoutoknow，MasterDutocq，thatallknownanagramshaveactuallycometopass。

Lookhere，——you，yourself，——don’tyoumarry，forthere’s’coqu’inyourname。”

Bixiou[interrupting]。”Andd，t，forde-testable。”

Dutocq[withoutseemingangry]。”Idon’tcare，aslongasitisonlyinmyname。Whydon’tyouanagrammatize，orwhateveryoucallit，’XavierRabourdin，chefdubureau’？”

Colleville。”Blessyou，soIhave！”

Bixiou[mendinghispen]。”Andwhatdidyoumakeofit？”

Colleville。”Itcomesoutasfollows:D’abordrevabureaux，E-u，——(youcatchthemeaning？eteut——andhad)E-ufinriche；whichsignifiesthatafterfirstbelongingtotheadministration，hegaveitupandgotrichelsewhere。”[Repeats。]”D’abordrevabureaux，E-ufinriche。”

Dutocq。”ThatISqueer！”

Bixiou。”TryIsidoreBaudoyer。”

Colleville[mysteriously]。”Isha’n’ttelltheotheranagramstoanyonebutThuillier。”

Bixiou。”I’llbetyouabreakfastthatIcantellthatonemyself。”

Colleville。”AndI’llpayifyoufinditout。”

Bixiou。”ThenIshallbreakfastatyourexpense；butyouwon’tbeangry，willyou？TwosuchgeniusesasyouandIneedneverconflict。

’IsidoreBaudoyer’anagramsinto’Risd’aboyeurd’oie。’”

Colleville[petrifiedwithamazement]。”Youstoleitfromme！”

Bixiou[withdignity]。”MonsieurColleville，domethehonortobelievethatIamrichenoughinabsurditynottostealmyneighbor’snonsense。”

Baudoyer[enteringwithabundleofpapersinhishand]。”Gentlemen，I

requestyoutoshoutalittlelouder；youbringthisofficeintosuchhighreputewiththeadministration。Myworthycoadjutor，MonsieurClergeot，didmethehonorjustnowtocomeandaskaquestion，andheheardthenoiseyouaremaking”[passesintoMonsieurGodard’sroom]。

Bixiou[inalowvoice]。”Thewatch-dogisverytamethismorning；

there’llbeachangeofweatherbeforenight。”

Dutocq[whisperingtoBixiou]。”IhavesomethingIwanttosaytoyou。”

Bixiou[fingeringDutocq’swaistcoat]。”You’veaprettywaistcoat，thatcostyounothing；isthatwhatyouwanttosay？”

Dutocq。”Nothing，indeed！Ineverpaidsodearforanythinginmylife。ThatstuffcostsixfrancsayardinthebestshopintheruedelaPaix，——afinedeadstuff，theverythingfordeepmourning。”

Bixiou。”Youknowaboutengravingsandsuchthings，mydearfellow，butyouaretotallyignorantofthelawsofetiquette。Well，nomancanbeauniversalgenius！Silkispositivelynotadmissibleindeepmourning。Don’tyouseeIamwearingwoollen？MonsieurRabourdin，MonsieurBaudoyer，andtheministerareallinwoollen；soisthefaubourgSaint-Germain。There’snooneherebutMinardwhodoesn’twearwoollen；he’safraidofbeingtakenforasheep。That’sthereasonwhyhedidn’tputonmourningforLouisXVIII。”

[DuringthisconversationBaudoyerissittingbythefireinGodard’sroom，andthetwoareconversinginalowvoice。]

Baudoyer。”Yes，theworthymanisdying。Thetwoministersarebothwithhim。Myfather-in-lawhasbeennotifiedoftheevent。IfyouwanttodomeasignalserviceyouwilltakeacabandgoandletMadameBaudoyerknowwhatishappening；forMonsieurSaillardcan’tleavehisdesk，norImyoffice。Putyourselfatmywife’sorders；dowhatevershewishes。Shehas，Ibelieve，someideasofherown，andwantstotakecertainstepssimultaneously。”[Thetwofunctionariesgoouttogether。]

Godard。”MonsieurBixiou，Iamobligedtoleavetheofficefortherestoftheday。Youwilltakemyplace。”

Baudoyer[toBixiou，benignly]。”Consultme，ifthereisanynecessity。”

Bixiou。”Thistime，LaBillardiereisreallydead。”

Dutocq[inBixiou’sear]。”Comeoutsideaminute。”[Thetwogointothecorridorandgazeateachotherlikebirdsofill-omen。]

Dutocq[whispering]。”Listen。Nowisthetimeforustounderstandeachotherandpushourway。Whatwouldyousaytoyourbeingmadeheadofthebureau，andIunderyou？”

Bixiou[shrugginghisshoulders]。”Come，come，don’ttalknonsense！”

Dutocq。”IfBaudoyergetsLaBillardiere’splaceRabourdinwon’tstayonwhereheis。Betweenourselves，BaudoyerissoincapablethatifduBruelandyoudon’thelphimhewillcertainlybedismissedinacoupleofmonths。IfIknowarithmeticthatwillgivethreeemptyplacesforustofill——”

Bixiou。”Threeplacesrightunderournoses，whichwillcertainlybegiventosomebloatedfavorite，somespy，somepiousfraud，——toCollevilleperhaps，whosewifehasendedwhereallprettywomenend——

inpiety。”

Dutocq。”No，toYOU，mydearfellow，ifyouwillonly，foronceinyourlife，useyourwitslogically。”[HestoppedasiftostudytheeffectofhisadverbinBixiou’sface。]”Come，letusplayfair。”

Bixiou[stolidly]。”Letmeseeyourgame。”

Dutocq。”Idon’twishtobeanythingmorethanunder-head-clerk。I

knowmyselfperfectlywell，andIknowIhaven’ttheability，likeyou，tobeheadofabureau。DuBruelcanbedirector，andyoutheheadofthisbureau；hewillleaveyouhisplaceassoonashehasmadehispile；andasforme，Ishallswimwiththetidecomfortably，underyourprotection，tillIcanretireonapension。”

Bixiou。”Slydog！buthowtoyouexpecttocarryoutaplanwhichmeansforcingtheminister’shandandejectingamanoftalent？

Betweenourselves，Rabourdinistheonlymancapableoftakingchargeofthedivision，andImightsayoftheministry。Doyouknowthattheytalkofputtinginoverhisheadthatsolidlumpoffoolishness，thatcubeofidiocy，Baudoyer？”

Dutocq[consequentially]。”Mydearfellow，IaminapositiontorousethewholedivisionagainstRabourdin。YouknowhowdevotedFleuryistohim？Well，IcanmakeFleurydespisehim。”

Bixiou。”DespisedbyFleury！”

Dutocq。”NotasoulwillstandbyRabourdin；theclerkswillgoinabodyandcomplainofhimtotheminister，——notonlyinourdivision，butinallthedivisions——”

Bixiou。”Forward，march！infantry，cavalry，artillery，andmarinesoftheguard！Yourave，mygoodfellow！AndI，whatpartamItotakeinthebusiness？”

Dutocq。”Youaretomakeacuttingcaricature，——sharpenoughtokillaman。”

Bixiou。”Howmuchwillyoupayforit？”

Dutocq。”Ahundredfrancs。”

Bixiou[tohimself]。”Thenthereissomethinginit。”

Dutocq[continuing]。”YoumustrepresentRabourdindressedasabutcher(makeitagoodlikeness)，findanalogiesbetweenakitchenandabureau，putaskewerinhishand，drawportraitsoftheprincipalclerksandsticktheirheadsonfowls，puttheminamonstrouscooplabelled’CivilServiceexecutions’；makehimcuttingthethroatofone，andsupposedtotaketheothersinturn。Youcanhavegeeseandduckswithheadslikeours，——youunderstand！Baudoyer，forinstance，he’llmakeanexcellentturkey-buzzard。”

Bixiou。”Risd’aboyeurd’oie！”[HehaswatchedDutocqcarefullyforsometime。]”Didyouthinkofthatyourself？”

Dutocq。”Yes，Imyself。”

Bixiou[tohimself]。”Doevilfeelingsbringmentothesameresultastalents？”[Aloud]”Well，I’lldoit”[Dutocqmakesamotionofdelight]”——when”[fullstop]”——IknowwhereIamandwhatIcanrelyon。Ifyoudon’tsucceedIshalllosemyplace，andImustmakealiving。Youareacuriouskindofinnocentstill，mydearcolleague。”

Dutocq。”Well，youneedn’tmakethelithographtillsuccessisproved。”

Bixiou。”Whydon’tyoucomeoutandtellmethewholetruth？”

Dutocq。”Imustfirstseehowthelandlaysinthebureau；wewilltalkaboutitlater”[goesoff]。

Bixiou[aloneinthecorridor]。”Thatfish，forhe’smoreafishthanabird，thatDutocqhasagoodideainhishead——I’msureIdon’tknowwherehestoleit。IfBaudoyershouldsucceedLaBillardiereitwouldbefun，morethanfun——profit！”[Returnstotheoffice。]”Gentlemen，I

announcegloriouschanges；papaLaBillardiereisdead，reallydead，——

nononsense，wordofhonor！GodardisoffonbusinessforourexcellentchiefBaudoyer，successorpresumptivetothedeceased。”

[Minard，Desroys，andCollevilleraisetheirheadsinamazement；theyalllaydowntheirpens，andCollevilleblowshisnose。]”Everyoneofusistobepromoted！Collevillewillbeunder-head-clerkattheveryleast。Minardmayhavemyplaceaschiefclerk——whynot？heisquiteasdullasIam。Hey，Minard，ifyoushouldgettwenty-fivehundredfrancsa-yearyourlittlewifewouldbeuncommonlypleased，andyoucouldbuyyourselfapairofbootsnowandthen。”

Colleville。”Butyoudon’tgettwenty-fivehundredfrancs。”

Bixiou。”MonsieurDutocqgetsthatinRabourdin’soffice；whyshouldn’tIgetitthisyear？MonsieurBaudoyergetsit。”

Colleville。”OnlythroughtheinfluenceofMonsieurSaillard。Nootherchiefclerkgetsthatinanyofthedivisions。”

Paulmier。”Bah！Hasn’tMonsieurCochinthreethousand？HesucceededMonsieurVavasseur，whoservedtenyearsundertheEmpireatfourthousand。HissalarywasdroppedtothreewhentheKingfirstreturned；thentotwothousandfivehundredbeforeVavasseurdied。ButMonsieurCochin，whosucceededhim，hadinfluenceenoughtogetthesalaryputbacktothreethousand。”