第4章

Ouradvicetostagewickedpeoplewouldundoubtedlybe，"Neverrepent。

Ifyouvalueyourlife，don’trepent。Italwaysmeanssuddendeath！"

Toreturntoouradventuress。Sheisbynomeansabadwoman。Thereismuchgoodinher。Thisismorethanprovedbythefactthatshelearnstolovetheherobeforeshedies;fornoonebutareallygoodwomancapableofextraordinarypatienceandgentlenesscouldever，weareconvinced，growtofeelanyothersentimentforthatirritatingass，thanadesiretothrowbricksathim。

Thestageadventuresswouldbeamuchbetterwoman，too，ifitwerenotfortheheroine。Theadventuressmakesthemostcompletearrangementsforbeingnobleandself—sacrificing——thatis，forgoingawayandnevercomingback，andisjustabouttocarrythemout，whentheheroine，whohasaperfectgeniusforbeinginthewrongplaceattherighttime，comesinandspoilsitall。Nostageadventuresscanbegoodwhiletheheroineisabout。Thesightoftheheroinerouseseverybadfeelinginherbreast。

Wecansympathizewithherinthisrespect。Theheroineoftenaffectsourselvesinpreciselythesameway。

Thereisagooddealtobesaidinfavoroftheadventuress。True，shepossessesrathertoomuchsarcasmandreparteetomakethingsquiteagreeableroundthedomestichearth，andwhenshehasgotallherclothesonthereisnotmuchroomleftintheplaceforanybodyelse;buttakenonthewholesheisdecidedlyattractive。Shehasgritandgoinher。Sheisalive。Shecandosomethingtohelpherselfbesidescallingfor"George。"

Shehasnotgotastagechild——ifsheeverhadone，shehasleftitonsomebodyelse’sdoorstepwhich，presumingtherewasnowaterhandytodrownitin，seemstobeaboutthemostsensiblethingshecouldhavedonewithit。Sheisnotoppressivelygood。

Sheneverwantstobe"unhanded"or"lettopass。"

Sheisnotalwaysbeingshockedorinsultedbypeopletellingherthattheyloveher;shedoesnotseemtominditiftheydo。Sheisnotalwaysfainting，andcrying，andsobbing，andwailing，andmoaning，likethegoodpeopleintheplayare。

Oh，theydohaveanunhappytimeofit——thegoodpeopleinplays！

Thensheistheonlypersoninthepiecewhocansitonthecomicman。

Wesometimesthinkitwouldbeafortunatething——forhim——iftheyallowedhertomarryandsettledownquietlywiththehero。Shemightmakeamanofhimintime。

THESERVANT—GIRL。

Therearetwotypesofservant—girltobemetwithonthestage。Thisisanunusualallowanceforoneprofession。

Thereisthelodging—houseslavey。Shehasagoodheartandasmuttyfaceandisalwaysdressedaccordingtothelatestfashioninscarecrows。Herleadingoccupationisthecleaningofboots。Shecleansbootsalloverthehouse，atallhoursoftheday。Shecomesandsitsdownonthehero’sbreakfast—tableandcleansthemoverthepoorfellow’sfood。Shecomesintothedrawing—roomcleaningboots。

Shehasherownmethodofcleaningthem，too。Sherubsoffthemud，putsontheblacking，andpolishesupallwiththesamebrush。Theytakeanenormousamountofpolishing。Sheseemstodonothingelsealldaylongbutwalkaboutshiningoneboot，andshebreathesonitandrubsittillyouwonderthereisanyleatherleft，yetitneverseemstogetanybrighter，nor，indeed，canyouexpectitto，forwhenyoulookcloseyouseeitisapatent—leatherbootthatshehasbeenthrowingherselfawayuponallthistime。

Somebodyhasbeenhavingalarkwiththepoorgirl。

Thelodging—houseslaveybrushesherhairwiththebootbrushandblackstheendofhernosewithit。

Wewereacquaintedwithalodging—houseslaveyonce——arealone，wemean。ShewasthehandmaidenatahouseinBloomsburywhereweoncehungout。Shewasuntidyinherdress，itistrue，butshehadnotquitethatcastawayandgone—to—sleep—in—a—dust—binappearancethatwe，anearneststudentofthedrama，feltsheoughttopresent，andwequestionedheronedayonthesubject。

"Howisit，Sophronia，"wesaid，"thatyoudistantlyresembleahumanbeinginsteadofgivingonetheideaofananimatedrag—shop？Don’tyoueverpolishyournosewiththeblacking—brush，orrubcoalintoyourhead，orwashyourfaceintreacle，orputskewersintoyourhair，oranythingofthatsort，liketheydoonthestage？"

Shesaid:"Lordloveyou，whatshouldIwanttogoandbeaballyidiotlikethatfor？"

Andwehavenotlikedtoputthequestionelsewheresincethen。

Theothertypeofservant—girlonthestage——thevillaservant—girl——isaverydifferentpersonage。Sheisafetchinglittlething，dressesbewitchingly，andisalwaysclean。Herdutiesaretodustthelegsofthechairsinthedrawing—room。Thatistheonlyworksheeverhastodo，butitmustbeconfessedshedoesthatthoroughly。Shenevercomesintotheroomwithoutdustingthelegsofthesechairs，andsheduststhemagainbeforeshegoesout。

Ifanythingoughttobefreefromdustinastagehouse，itshouldbethelegsofthedrawing—roomchairs。

Sheisgoingtomarrytheman—servant，isthestageservant—girl，assoonastheyhavesavedupsufficientoutoftheirwagestobuyahotel。Theythinktheywillliketokeepahotel。Theydon’tunderstandabitaboutthebusiness，whichwebelieveisacomplicatedone，butthisdoesnottroublethemintheleast。

Theyquarrelagooddealovertheirlove—making，dothestageservant—girlandheryoungman，andtheyalwayscomeintothedrawing—roomtodoit。Theyhavegotthekitchen，andthereisthegarden（withafountainandmountainsinthebackground——youcanseeitthroughthewindow），butno！noplaceinoraboutthehouseisgoodenoughforthemtoquarrelinexceptthedrawing—room。Theyquarreltheresovigorouslythatiteveninterfereswiththedustingofthechair—legs。

Sheoughtnottobelonginsavingupsufficienttomarryon，forthegenerosityofpeopleonthestagetotheservantstheremakesoneseriouslyconsidertheadvisabilityofignoringtheunremunerativeprofessionsofordinarylifeandstartinganewandmorepromisingcareerasastageservant。

Nooneeverdreamsoftippingthestageservantwithlessthanasovereignwhentheyaskherifhermistressisathomeorgiveheralettertopost，andthereisquitearushattheendofthepiecetostufffive—poundnotesintoherhand。Thegoodoldmangivesherten。

Thestageservantisveryimpudenttohermistress，andthemaster——hefallsinlovewithheranditdoesupsetthehouseso。

Sometimestheservant—girlisgoodandfaithful，andthensheisIrish。Allgoodservant—girlsonthestageareIrish。

Allthemalevisitorsareexpectedtokissthestageservant—girlwhentheycomeintothehouse，andtodigherintheribsandtosay:"Doyouknow，Jane，Ithinkyou’reanuncommonlynicegirl——click。"Theyalwayssaythis，andshelikesit。

Manyyearsago，whenwewereyoung，wethoughtwewouldseeifthingswerethesameoffthestage，andthenexttimewecalledatacertainfriend’shousewetriedthisbusinesson。

Shewasn’tquitesodazzlinglybeautifulastheyareonthestage，butwepassedthat。Sheshowedusupintothedrawing—room，andthensaidshewouldgoandtellhermistresswewerethere。

Wefeltthiswasthetimetobegin。Weskippedbetweenherandthedoor。Weheldourhatinfrontofus，cockedourheadononeside，andsaid:"Don’tgo！don’tgo！"

Thegirlseemedalarmed。Webegantogetalittlenervousourselves，butwehadbegunitandwemeanttogothroughwithit。

Wesaid，"Doyouknow，Jane"（hernamewasn’tJane，butthatwasn’tourfault），"doyouknow，Jane，Ithinkyou’reanuncommonlynicegirl，"andwesaid"click，"anddugherintheribswithourelbow，andthenchuckedherunderthechin。Thewholethingseemedtofallflat。Therewasnobodytheretolaughorapplaud。Wewishedwehadn’tdoneit。Itseemedstupidwhenyoucametothinkofit。Webegantofeelfrightened。Thebusinesswasn’tgoingasweexpected;

butwescrewedupourcourageandwenton。

Weputonthecustomaryexpressionofcomicimbecilityandbeckonedthegirltous。Wehaveneverseenthisfailonthestage。

Butthisgirlseemedmadewrong。Shegotbehindthesofaandscreamed"Help！"

Wehaveneverknownthemtodothisonthestage，anditthrewusoutinourplans。Wedidnotknowexactlywhattodo。Weregrettedthatwehadeverbegunthisjobandheartilywishedourselvesoutofit。

Butitappearedfoolishtopausethen，whenweweremorethanhalf—waythrough，andwemadearushtogetitover。

Wechivviedthegirlroundthesofaandcaughthernearthedoorandkissedher。Shescratchedourface，yelledpolice，murder，andfire，andfledfromtheroom。

Ourfriendcameinalmostimmediately。Hesaid:

"Isay，J。，oldman，areyoudrunk？"

Wetoldhimno，thatwewereonlyastudentofthedrama。Hiswifethenenteredinatoweringpassion。Shedidn’taskusifweweredrunk。Shesaid:

"Howdareyoucomehereinthisstate！"

Weendeavoredunsuccessfullytoinducehertobelievethatweweresober，andweexplainedthatourcourseofconductwaswhatwasalwayspursuedonthestage。

Shesaidshedidn’tcarewhatwasdoneonthestage，itwasn’tgoingtobepursuedinherhouse;andthatifherhusband’sfriendscouldn’tbehaveasgentlementheyhadbetterstopaway。

ThefollowingmorningwereceivedaletterfromafirmofsolicitorsinLincoln’sInnwithreference，sotheyputit，tothebrutalandunprovokedassaultcommittedbyusonthepreviousafternoonuponthepersonoftheirclient，MissMatildaHemmings。TheletterstatedthatwehadpunchedMissHemmingsintheside，struckherunderthechin，andafterward，seizingherasshewasleavingtheroom，proceededtocommitagrossassault，intotheparticularsofwhichitwasneedlessforthemtoenteratgreaterlength。

Itaddedthatifwewerepreparedtorenderanamplewrittenapologyandtopay50poundscompensation，theywouldadvisetheirclient，MissMatildaHemmings，toallowthemattertodrop;otherwisecriminalproceedingswouldatoncebecommencedagainstus。

Wetookthelettertoourownsolicitorsandexplainedthecircumstancestothem。Theysaiditseemedtobeaverysadcase，butadvisedustopaythe50pounds，andweborrowedthemoneyanddidso。

Sincethenwehavelostfaith，somehow，intheBritishdramaasaguidetotheconductoflife。

THECHILD。

Itisniceandquietandittalksprettily。

Wehavecomeacrossrealinfantsnowandtheninthecourseofvisitstomarriedfriends;theyhavebeenbroughttousfromoutlyingpartsofthehouseandintroducedtousforouredification;andwehavefoundthemgrittyandsticky。Theirbootshaveusuallybeenmuddy，andtheyhavewipedthemupagainstournewtrousers。Andtheirhairhassuggestedtheideathattheyhavebeenstandingontheirheadsinthedust—bin。

Andtheyhavetalkedtous——butnotprettily，notatall——ratherrudeweshouldcallit。

Butthestagechildisverydifferent。Itiscleanandtidy。Youcantouchitanywhereandnothingcomesoff。Itsfaceglowswithsoapandwater。Fromtheappearanceofitshandsitisevidentthatmud—piesandtararejoysunknowntoit。Asforitshair，thereissomethinguncannyaboutitssmoothnessandrespectability。Evenitsboot—lacesaredoneup。

Wehaveneverseenanythinglikethestagechildoutsideatheaterexceptingone——thatwasonthepavementinfrontofatailor’sshopinTottenhamCourtRoad。Hestoodonabitofroundwood，anditwasfifteenandnine，hisstyle。

Wethoughtinourignorancepriortothisthattherecouldnotbeanythingintheworldlikethestagechild，butyouseeweweremistaken。

ThestagechildisaffectionatetoitsparentsanditsnurseandisrespectfulinitsdemeanortowardthosewhomProvidencehasplacedinauthorityoverit;andsofaritiscertainlymuchtobepreferredtotherealarticle。Itspeaksofitsmaleandfemaleprogenitorsas"dear，dearpapa"and"dear，dearmamma，"anditreferstoitsnurseas"darlingnursey。"Weareconnectedwithayouthfulchildourselves——arealone——anephew。Healludestohisfather（whenhisfatherisnotpresent）as"theoldman，"andalwayscallsthenurse"oldnut—crackers。"Whycannottheymakerealchildrenwhosay"dear，dearmamma"and"dear，dearpapa？"

Thestagechildismuchsuperiortotheliveinfantineveryway。Thestagechilddoesnotgorampagingaboutahouseandscreechingandyellingtillnobodyknowswhethertheyareontheirheadsortheirheels。

Astagechilddoesnotgetupatfiveo’clockinthemorningtopracticeplayingonapennywhistle。Astagechildneverwantsabicycleanddrivesyoumadaboutit。Astagechilddoesnotasktwentycomplicatedquestionsaminuteaboutthingsthatyoudon’tunderstand，andthenwindupbyaskingwhyyoudon’tseemtoknowanything，andwhywouldn’tanybodyteachyouanythingwhenyouwerealittleboy。

Thestagechilddoesnotwearaholeintheseatofitsknickerbockersandhavetohaveapatchletin。Thestagechildcomesdownstairsonitsfeet。

Thestagechildneverbringshomesixotherchildrentoplayathorsesinthefrontgarden，andthenwantstoknowiftheycanallcomeintotea。Thestagechildneverhasthewooping—cough，andthemeasles，andeveryotherdiseasethatitcanlayitshandson，andbelaidupwiththemoneaftertheotherandturnthehouseupsidedown。

Thestagechild’sdepartmentintheschemeoflifeistoharrowupitsmother’sfeelingsbyill—timedanduncalled—forquestionsaboutitsfather。Italwayswantstoknow，beforearoomfulofpeople，where"dearpapa"is，andwhyhehasleftdearmamma;when，asalltheguestsknow，thepoormanisdoinghistwoyears’hardorwaitingtobehanged。Itmakeseverybodysouncomfortable。

Itisalwaysharrowingupsomebody——thestagechild;itreallyoughtnottobeleftaboutasitis。Whenithasdoneupsettingitsmotheritfishesoutsomebroken—heartedmaid，whohasjustbeencruellyseveredforeverfromherlover，andasksherinahighfalsettovoicewhyshedoesn’tgetmarried，andprattlestoheraboutlove，anddomesticbliss，andyoungmen，andanyothersubjectitcanthinkofparticularlycalculatedtolaceratethepoorgirl’sheartuntilherbrainnearlygivesway。

Afterthatitrunsamuckupanddownthewholeplayandmakeseverybodysitupallround。Itaskseminentlyrespectableoldmaidsiftheywouldn’tliketohaveababy;anditwantstoknowwhybald—headedoldmenhaveleftoffwearinghair，andwhyotheroldgentlemenhaverednosesandiftheywerealwaysthatcolor。

Insomeplaysitsohappensthatthelesssaidabouttheoriginandsourceofthestagechildthebetter;andinsuchcasesnothingwillappearsoimportanttothatcontrarybratastoknow，inthemiddleofanevening—party，whoitsfatherwas！

Everybodylovesthestagechild。Theycatchitupintheirbosomseveryotherminuteandweepoverit。Theytakeitinturnstodothis。

Nobody——onthestage，wemean——everhasenoughofthestagechild。

Nobodyevertellsthestagechildto"shutup"orto"getoutofthis。"Nobodyeverclumpsthestagechildoverthehead。

Whentherealchildgoestothetheateritmustnoticethesethingsandwishitwereastagechild。

Thestagechildismuchadmiredbytheaudience。Itspathosmakesthemweep;itstragedythrillsthem;itsdeclamation——asforinstancewhenittakesthecenterofthestageandsaysitwillkillthewickedman，andthepolice，andeverybodywhohurtsitsmar——stirsthemlikeatrumpetnote;anditslightcomedyisgenerallyheldtobethemosttrulyhumorousthinginthewholerangeofdramaticart。

Buttherearesomepeoplesostrangelyconstitutedthattheydonotappreciatethestagechild;theydonotcomprehenditsuses;theydonotunderstanditsbeauties。Weshouldnotbeangrywiththem。Weshouldtheratherpitythem。

Weourselveshadafriendoncewhosufferedfromthismisfortune。Hewasamarriedman，andProvidencehadbeenverygracious，verygoodtohim:hehadbeenblessedwithelevenchildren，andtheywereallgrowingupwellandstrong。